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Author Topic: My Story Built To Last

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My Story Built To Last
#90: January 03, 2022, 10:58:40 AM
FW- I have always loved having a word each year as well. I have always picked very deep meaning words or quotes for the year. This year funny enough I decided to go to the basics of where my focus needs to be and decided in a self serving and maybe a bit selfish word which is far from my norm. My word this year is simply “ME”
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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#91: January 04, 2022, 07:01:25 PM
Well i love the "my word".  Mine will be "live"!!! I find i am learning to live for myself more and more.

5hil
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#92: January 05, 2022, 12:04:28 AM
FW- I have always loved having a word each year as well. I have always picked very deep meaning words or quotes for the year. This year funny enough I decided to go to the basics of where my focus needs to be and decided in a self serving and maybe a bit selfish word which is far from my norm. My word this year is simply “ME”

Wonderful!

Well i love the "my word".  Mine will be "live"!!! I find i am learning to live for myself more and more.

5hil

I love it 5hil, that sounds perfect!

Each year since BD, I have chosen a word that resonates with me.  It started in February of '16 when I was 2 months out from BD and 2 months out from the D date on the other side.  I attended a conference called IF:Gathering.  While there, I was given a domino and a sharpie marker and asked to pray that I would be given a word that resonated.  I prayed and felt in my spirit that my Word should be Courage.  It served me very well that first year, and the word continued to come swirling at me throughout the year, coming to me again, from an unlikely source from someone the day before the D, and ending with a huge culmination at the end of 2016, during my first Christmas after BD and D.  My xMIL gave me a gift for Christmas.  She had no idea what my word was and yet, the gift she gave me was a beautiful tea/coffee mug with the word Courage on it and a scripture verse on the other side.  I cried when I opened it.  I was flabbergasted.

At the time, I felt that it must mean that we would be restored.  Why else would the Lord use my MIL to confirm my word?  Well, I don't know because the Lord works in mysterious ways.  However, what I do know is that it served it's purpose in what was being done in me through this beautiful journey, this process of refinement.

Last year, my word was Surrender.  It just kept coming at me the first of the year, and then solidified when I was reading a book later, like around March called The Surrender Experiment.  I've found when I've surrendered, that things have worked out for me, and I have much more peace about things.  For me, it's more about being the co-pilot and letting the Good Lord do the steering.  Like, "Ok God, what's next?"

The last few days, I had it narrowed down to 3 words and the more I mull over the 3, they are all very good, but one just keeps surfacing, and it's the word "Purpose" - it just continues to stir something in me as I sit with it.  Sometimes I have to sit with my word a bit to decide if that's to be the ultimate word that I go with for the year.

My threads go back a long, long ways, but I definitely do talk about my words with a little bit of depth each year I think.

But I'll sum it up nicely here, just in case anyone is interested and doesn't want to dig back through.

2016 - Courage (and boy did I need it in a big way and then realize later on that I probably had it all along, just needed to draw from it)
2017 - Intention (This was the full year after BD and D and I really found myself needing to be intentional with things.  Relationships, rebuilding a life, sometimes kind of faking it until it was no longer faking.
2018 - Passion (and not necessarily the romantic kind, but I started to remember who "I" was and to draw on some of that passion for life that had come from before.  Back to when I was a child, before I was "jaded" by the world.
2019 - Preparation (the action or process of making ready or being made ready for use or consideration - something done to get ready for an event or undertaking) - there was a lot for me this year about Hope, but I ultimately went with Preparation.  It just resonated.  I felt like I was getting ready for something, but wasn't sure what.  Looking back in my notes (I screenshot a lot) I saved it with this poem

"Still upward to thine onward course;
For this I pray today;
Still upward as the years go by,
And seasons pass away.
Still upward in this coming year,
Thy path is all untried;
Still upward may'st thou journey on,
Close by thy Saviors side.
Still upward e'en though sorrow come,
And trials crush thine heart;
Still upward may they draw thy soul,
With Christ to walk apart.
Still upward till the day shall break,
And shadows all have flown;
Still upward till in Heaven you wake,
And stand before the throne."
2019 - this year was a big year of changes.  I left the comfort of my work family, people who had been there for me through BD and the rocky months after divorce, into a new job utilizing a different skillset from before, and ultimately it was the best move post pandemic, without even knowing that 2020 was happening.

Fast forward to 2020 and it really just seemed perfect that the word should be Vision.  Who doesn't want 20/20 Vision.  Of course 2020 was an interesting year, with a lot of craziness and uncertainty.  But with it, came the marriage of my former H and the loss of a "vision" and I had to begin looking toward a new vision.  Lots of soul searching, and asking God "why" and wrestling with it, and revisiting the stages of grief once again, and with that came acceptance and being able to move forward once again.

And that's where Surrender came in for 2021.  After the wrestling.

Dark night of the soul after Bomb Drop, where I almost didn't survive, but found the COURAGE.

And at the end of each year, I don't just DROP that word for the year.  I BUILD on it.  Courage is still there, and I reach for it whenever needed, which is still very often.  I still revisit intention, and sometimes have to get back on track with that one.  Sometimes it's putting my phone down and being in the moment with my children.  Being intentional takes cultivation.  I pursue passion and draw on it from deep within.  "Passion is what motivates us to do the things we love. It is that strong desire that allows you to create something extraordinary—the fuel that keeps the fire burning. Being passionate about something gives you a sense of purpose." - I couldn't have come to purpose without passion.  But I also needed preparation, even when I wasn't sure what I was preparing for.  And yet, because preparation led me to that new job, I was in a pretty good place once 2020 hit, and I was able to continue to get paid and work from home without missing a paycheck.  Things were bleak sometimes, don't get me wrong, but once the middle of the year hit, Vision is what propelled me forward into 2021.  And with that, came a sense of peace, a surrendering.  Realizing that my desire for control was sometimes at war with what needed to come.  With the sense of surrender came a sense of rightness.  If I hadn't surrendered to the restructuring of my job, even though it took some risk, I wouldn't have gotten the promotion I got.  I surrendered to the loss of my vehicle, that came to rest broken down in front of my home.  And gained a new car in the process.  I've surrendered the dating piece, and the thought of getting on dating apps or doing anything pursuit wise in dating right now sounds absolutely exhausting, so, if there is to be dating later, it will be from a place of peace, where God brings that person into my life.

And throughout that, there have been some other words, that maybe were secondary words for the year that have woven themselves into the threads of my journey, the beautiful tapestry that is being woven of my life.  Hope, Joy, Perseverance, Stillness, Grace, Beautifully Broken, to name a few.  And then there is FAITH.  FAITH is probably my word of the DECADE or Century lol

Wow, 5hil, your question might have opened up for more than you bargained for, but it was very good for me to get my thoughts out here.  So thank you!

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#93: January 05, 2022, 10:12:49 AM
FW,
thank you so much for taking the time to put your words into such an eloquent description. Not gonna lie it took me a while to read the first-time.  But then i went back and read it a second time.  It's funny i am queen of questions and with every question i learn and grow so much.  You truly inspired me to put so much more meaning into my word.  I went back and looked at my word "live" and tried other words but "live" kept jumping back in like a magnet.  Now i have an internal goal to keep me moving forward.

Thank you,
5hil
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#94: January 05, 2022, 09:43:06 PM
5hil, sorry to read that you guys are still fighting through this nasty Covid.  I hope that you all recover quickly.

I think the fact that this word for you is sticking like a magnet does indeed mean that it's your word for 2022. 

I'm excited to see what your future holds.
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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#95: January 06, 2022, 08:35:37 AM
I loved reading all your words since BD and why you picked them.....Surrender certainly is a big one and one I still struggle with. As a survivor of child hood trauma surrendering is the most terrifying step and almost puts me in a state of panic.
Thank you for sharing your wonderful words with us Faith.
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Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

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#96: January 07, 2022, 09:36:38 PM
You're welcome.  I'm glad that I posted about them again.

Journaling: 
The other night I re-watched the Apology link in my tagline.  Every once in a while I do that, just to gauge how it makes me feel.  I still can't get through it without crying.  I don't know if I'll ever get through it without crying.

Logged on to Instagram today for the first time in a little while.  I am not sure if Insta works the same as FB, but xH came up as a follower suggestion.  On FB, a lot of times when people show up as a friend suggestion, particularly with not that many mutual friends, it can mean that they were peeping your page.  But not sure if it's that way on insta or if he showed up because he is still a contact in my phone.  Anyway, I clicked the little x to take him off my friend suggestions and that was that.  Didn't even have the impulse to click on his account and have a look.

D19 and I had a really nice night last night hanging out together.  We've gotten together a little bit since she's moved out, but not as often as I would like.  Anyway, she reached out to me, and called me to see what I was up to.  It was really nice to have her back here, even just for a little while.

I ended up with a little overtime this week at work.  I was hoping to leave early today to balance it out a little bit, but that just didn't end up happening.  So, I'll take the overtime.  Every little bit helps.  I'm glad it's the weekend now though.  After the Holidays, this week seemed like 2 weeks rolled into one or at least a week and a half long.
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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#97: January 14, 2022, 09:38:15 PM
The ship seems to be sinking.  This week we had 3 of the 12 people in my unit test positive for Covid.  Several others are awaiting tests and a few have chosen to work from home to hopefully stay healthy.  This afternoon it was down to 3 of the 12 of us working in office.  Whew.

Throughout many of our schools cases are on the rise.  We have a Holiday upcoming and then a teacher in-service day which will be mainly remote trainings so hopefully the 4 days will give us a little chance to reset again but I'm not sure it's enough.

If any school reaches 2% positivity, everyone in that school has to mask for 10 days, or until they drop below 1% positivity again.  The schools intend to remain open and not go virtual unless schools cannot hold the weight due to shortage of staff and subs.

In other news, my Mom is supposed to be coming over tomorrow for the remainder of her stay, but it's looking like if she does return to the State where her H is living with his D, it would be for about 3 days to collect her things.  If she can handle my stairs, she would then remain with me, at least until she were to move up the list to get the low income apartment.

Tonight I got my booster and S16 and D19 both received their first vaccine.  My arm is pretty dang sore but other than that, so far so good.  I am hoping that I don't wake up feeling utterly miserable tomorrow.  My B and his friend are going to come finish up the repairs we need to make the place more livable for my M as there are a few things that S and I have put up with that my M doesn't need to deal with. 

I hope everyone is staying well in these trying times.
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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#98: January 14, 2022, 11:41:06 PM
Hi FW,
this new Covid Variant is a beast. I was reading in my area the schools are starting to close due to lack of staff.  I am glad you got your booster and your children have started their vaccine process.  I know the vaccine is a personal choice and can be controversial. Since i have recovered i am masking everywhere i go. I hope you will not be miserable from your booster.

5hil
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#99: Today at 07:37:21 AM
The new variant seems to be spreading superfast. Glad you got your booster. I got mine and was a bit worried about the side effect as I was so sick after my second shot but other than the sore arm I felt nothing. My daughters school cannot even get any subs when teachers are out sick or in quarantine and yet our state is trying to remove the mask mandate for kids in schools.....crazy, but politics I reckon ....

Was your mom able to deal with the stairs ? It's so hard these days to find affordable rentals...bless her heart ....

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Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

 

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