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Author Topic: My Story Sometimes your heart needs more time

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My Story Sometimes your heart needs more time
#10: November 26, 2021, 02:53:44 PM
Just to add another thought to this . Imagine actually being the OW ( sick I know) , but I imagine that everytime her new man is silent, or thinking or watching TV ...I would be wonderring what he is thinking. Did he actually erase 20, 30 or 40 years worth of memories of other Thanksgivings ?? . If he wanted to share a memory ...would he ?  With the OW? . I have thought of this many times as my H often says " remember when we did this, or that etc...".  How could he do that with the OW?.  I was with my H for 30 years when he imploded . Where do all the memories go? . Or do they just not happen? . I cannot imagine being the OW and wonderring all the time what he is thinking about.  Does that make sense ?
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

T
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Sometimes your heart needs more time
#11: November 26, 2021, 03:15:54 PM
So, have had that convo many times In small increments as well. He said she talks, but he only answers what he has to and offers no more. Meaning do you have brothers or sisters? Yes. What do you have? 2 brothers. He never expands. Also, one thing I told my XH and have journaled it is how will memories go? How do you think you will feel at Thanksgiving and you are sitting around a table and noone is your family? And if they are talking about stories from the past you aren't in them and have no idea who they are talking about? The food may look the same, but it will taste different. How does that make you feel? He said,Sad.

Honestly, I hope that convo ran threw his mind yesterday!! One of those truth darts…. You cant just start over and not miss your family? Not if your a good person and he is. He has a soul. A lost one, but it is there somewhere.
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Sometimes your heart needs more time
#12: November 26, 2021, 05:06:43 PM
I had two thoughts reading this.

One is do you really believe what he is telling you about the OW or is he telling you what he thinks you want to hear? They are really good at fabricating and I wouldn't take everything he saying as being the truth.

The other was I was thinking about adolescence and how much seniors want to live away from home. when they finish high school..away from their parent's, any responsibilities...they want a new life and that new life seems to them to be a much better one. Certainly they party hard and explore other lifestyles that they dare not when living under their parent's roof. They may live in a crowded dorm or share an apartment with several other strangers but this is preferable to living under their parent's roof.

If you can understand why a teenager finds that appealing, perhaps it will help you ......


Tornup, you state often that he cannot possibly be happy with OW and not having the life that he had before and why would they leave?

They leave because as many of them have actually stated, they feel they will die if they stay.
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« Last Edit: November 26, 2021, 05:08:01 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

T
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Sometimes your heart needs more time
#13: November 26, 2021, 05:59:10 PM
Xyzcf- agreed. I was answering on Barbies insight/questions that I had some insight from earlier convos with him. Now, as to your insight. Spot on. My XH when leaving said he didn’t want to, but if he didn’t he would die. So, you are right. Now, is he happy now? Nooooo…. I do not believe he is. I think he is just existing. I honestly believe since she moved in the pressure is on. When he could visit every other weekend and exit that may have been the college student/teenager time. Now he is back in real life. Having to answer why is he never home. Question, questions, questions…. That’s what he ran from and he is right back in it.

 On do I believe him on his sharing with her? Yes. I was married to him for 30 years and when not depressed it was like pulling teeth to get him to talk about anything in depth.  He does not want to talk about family, friends or ex girlfriends. I’m sure they have many convos on non emotional things that he talks plenty. This is unique to him before MLC. He just is a hard egg to crack. He has no friends and just doesn’t talk.

Could I be wrong? Sure… I think he felt compelled to see what this was with OW and I think either way he will find out. I personally think he regrets it already, but I believe he is to weak if he does to leave the situation and I believed they will remain together.
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« Last Edit: November 26, 2021, 07:19:58 PM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Sometimes your heart needs more time
#14: November 26, 2021, 06:02:25 PM
It's that comment made by several MLCers..they have to leave or they would die. What does that feel like? How does that feel to live in a skin that screams leave everything you once loved behind?

No idea and I am sure it is different in each case. I would think it is terrible but so much of their normal responses are messed up that there is no way for us to really understand how they feel about anything.

That makes it very hard to deal with after so many years when you were so in sync.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

T
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Sometimes your heart needs more time
#15: November 26, 2021, 08:16:20 PM
I think I had some moments recently with S28 accident and D30 behavior that I thought… I wish I could just drive off and not have to worry about anyone but me. It was the first time I felt so overwhelmed that I finally could see a little of what he feels on escaping. I have no idea what it is like to not be able to talk anlut your issues and let them build so much that you basically crack and cant stand to be in the skin your in.

My XH says he cant stand to look in the mirror.  Cant live with the mistakes he has made. I think although you carry that with you…not how he see’s it. This person is not aware of his mistakes and wrong doings and it is his chance to start over and be seen with fresh eyes. The problem is. You cant escape yourself
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Sometimes your heart needs more time
#16: November 27, 2021, 01:04:00 AM
I always wonder what that truly means, "I have to leave or I will die." I met a woman once who tried to explain it to me. She said she felt like she was suffocating. When I asked what made her feel that way, was it maybe responsibilities, or something about her life, she could not answer. But I could tell by the look on her face that at least the recollection was terrifying. I know I have no frame of reference for it, nor do I believe I could ever understand it as it was explained at the time. Sure, I've had days when I want to run away. Days when I have crumpled into a heap on the floor in despair and found myself still there the next morning. But it never lasts and I pull myself up by my bootstraps (yet again) and motor on. I cannot imagine what could weigh on you so badly in what appeared a normal life that you feel crushed under the weight of it so much you would hurt people you once loved. I get concerned for my son since I have no idea how it comes about.

Some things we just cannot truly understand, much as we would like to. We just have to accept that this is what it is right now and make our choices based on our situation and how we choose to live our lives. What the other person says or does, only they know for sure what they mean. And sometimes, that is only maybe.
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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

T
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Sometimes your heart needs more time
#17: November 27, 2021, 06:19:07 AM
OR- yes, another mystery as I believe each ones is different, but in MLC world all have some similarities as well. For my XH he did not have the coping mechanisms to handle the deaths of our D14 and his father within 3 months of each other and also a high pressure job. He already had low self esteem and I think being in a position which garnered attention from females was the start. His EA were all women who came to him with issues at work. He became the white knight and realized quickly that he was out of his head for those moments and the moments escalated.

Once he couldn’t manage and explain off to himself that “Im just helping” “it’s my job” etc he started to crack. Once it was all revealed he felt he couldn’t be the man to us ( his family) that he once was. He said” I cant fix this” “ you all will never see me the same way”  He then decided he is the worst person he knows. So, how can he fix it??? He starts with someone who knows nothing and he rebuilds himself to be the man he wants to be seen as. He picks a desperate woman who he can shower with things and ahe and her kids are in awe.

He picked a woman however that is using him. He isnt getting much in return. He is giving his wallet out for what’s missing in life. That will only work so long. At some point everyone has to deal with their lives and if they don't they will live a miserable life of escapism.

I still knowing all I know and him being able to give me so much information it is still hard to fathom. Talk it out, get help, leaving the ones you have built a life with is beyond comprehension. Not being able to address, deal or look at yourself to the point you feel you have to start over is literally insane. My XH if he has said it once he has said it a million times “I don’t wan’t to do this, but I have to or I wont survive”  What’s even crazier. His therapist asked him why he is still here? Why hasn’t he followed through with taking his life. He said “ my wife said that our family already lost a daughter/ sister I can’t do that to this family, so I don’t want to hurt my family”  His therapist told him if your W voice telling you that then let her be that voice. Of course He has revealed I am also the voice telling him to die? He said his thoughts but my voice. So, they really are just a mumbled mess.

So….make sense of that?? They truly are just getting through moments. XH says I try not to look back or forward. I just deal with every minute as it comes. What is crazy is at the beginning of this all this that is exactly the place they leave us. Just getting through moments, but we get stronger. We are able to look back and forward, but they are still stuck in surviving moments.
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« Last Edit: November 27, 2021, 07:26:38 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

T
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Sometimes your heart needs more time
#18: December 01, 2021, 09:05:52 AM
It has been a good week. Thanksgiving without my family allowed me put a lot in perspective. I really have put so much focus on everyone else. I realize I have been a good mother and wife. It’s not my fault my XH went into his crisis and that he had to go outside our relationship for validation. I cant dummy myself down to make him feel better. To make him feel validated. He has to be his own cheerleader in life as I am in mine.

I haven’t spoken to him almost 3 weeks. I for the first time have no desire. He has not accepted his game tickets for this weekends game and they transferred back to me. I not reaching out. If he is going I guess he will have to ask for them to be transferred back. I feel he is constantly playing a baiting game with me to keep me attached. I just do not want any part of it anymore.

Another funny or strange thing. S28 sent him his new ipod through a trailer at work 2 weeks ago. X said he would let me know when he got it.Never did. S28 reached out to him and asked if he got it. He told him no that the trailers are behind. S28 looked up and the trailer had been unloaded  long time ago, so S28 seemed confused why his F would lie. For some reason he doesn't want us to know he got it. I honestly feel he just knows I will ask and then he wont have to be the one to contact. What I do know is he continues to reveal his state of mind to his kids and that is heartbreaking.

I think thanksgiving without his family was probably rough for him, but maybe not. Maybe he is living the life. The next few months will be interesting to see if he will make a more concerted effort with his own children. I really hope so. I on the other hand quit my 2 week smoking and am busy wrapping xmas gifts and really enjoying myself again.

I am once again watching some TV , reading, working on the house. I feel very calm and sleeping much better. I think my letting go of what my future was going to be and facing it’s out of my control has really taken the pressure off me to just let it evolve. I no longer have to have the perfect family or life. I just need to be happy and honestly that’s enough. It has taken a year to get to the detachment faze. It has not come easy. It has been working through pain, reality and acceptance.

 Making many mistakes, but I think I am finally here. How do I know? I dont have anxiety anymore. I am not triggered by his baiting. I am not thinking about him 24/7 and I never think of OW at all. She really is nothing. I don’t think of them as having this unbelievable life. The fairytale in my head that originally gave me anxiety. When they say you will know you will. You just dont care in the same way. Not that you dont wish things to be different, but that you accept your reality and no longer want to stand still waiting for them to come around.

We only have this one life. I have no more time for mine to be on hold. I am going to be just fine 🙂
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« Last Edit: December 01, 2021, 09:09:47 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

T
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Sometimes your heart needs more time
#19: December 01, 2021, 05:54:42 PM
Ummmmm, so my XH bought his OW a mercedes tonight? How do I know? He got free sirius radio and my email was used? He hooked up his new jeep to it a few months ago and I got an email on it and asked him to please move them to his own account. Apparently that didn’t happen and he just added another. It seems intentional. That I would get an email Congratulating me on my new Mercedes.

I kindly forwarded the email to him and stated that if he is going to buy his girlfriend a Mercedes could he please use his own email. The old me would be devastated. The new me just is ehhhhhhh.
There is nothing that can surprise me anymore. He has truly lost his mind. He could not follow the MLC script any closer.


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« Last Edit: December 01, 2021, 07:26:28 PM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

 

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