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Author Topic: My Story Sometimes your heart needs more time

J
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My Story Sometimes your heart needs more time
#20: December 01, 2021, 08:22:36 PM
Good grief! Can you contact Sirius and tell them you've been spoofed?
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T
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Sometimes your heart needs more time
#21: December 01, 2021, 08:51:47 PM
Right? I am calling them tomorrow. He opted out of emails, so got that notification just a bit ago. I emailed him back and told him he needed to remove my email just not opt out and that I would be calling them tomorrow.

The man is working 7 days a week from 5 am to 8pm and buying her clothes and cars to keep her happy. I think next will be a puppy, then a house and marriage. I think he is on the fast track to destruction while spending no time with her.

I have to say I called my sister tonight and we both laughed so hard at all this. I mean you can not make it up. How he can’t see she is using him for his money and how she can’t see a very depressed man barely hanging on. They are really just two damaged souls. I can’t even imagine where this ends, but I don’t think it will be pretty. At least not for them.

He cancelled his NFL game this weekend. So, I am going with a girlfriend now. So, very excited I am going to my six game this season. Little expensive flying back and forth, hotels and rental cars, but I don't care. I deserve it and it brings me so much happiness. He can enjoy cruising in his new Mercedes. I will be tailgating and enjoying multiple friends this weekend. Including the ones he was to go with and still gave his tickets to.

 This couple was a couple we hung out with early in our marriage and worked with. We have known them for decades. I think he backed put for that reason. To much reality with me not there and trying to fake happiness. I will enjoy seeing them. Im sure he will be on edge wondering if a few beers in divulge anything he doesn’t want me to, but that won’t happen. I’m not on any mission to destroy him. It’s not about him anymore. Except to him. I am all about ME!!
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« Last Edit: December 01, 2021, 08:56:33 PM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Sometimes your heart needs more time
#22: December 02, 2021, 12:45:02 AM
1) You are assuming that, because you got an e-mail that says your new Mercedes was signed up that he bought the OW a new Mercedes and signed it up... ASS-U-ME nothing.

You'd be better served to ASS-U-ME your account has been compromised and that someone somewhere is using it and taking the appropriate actions (Maybe changing your password would be a good start?).

2) You ASS-U-ME he's backed out of the NFL game because of the other couple. Again, ASS-U-ME nothing. It serves no purpose other than to give him and OW rent-free space in your head.... He is simply not going. Who gives a flying farfinagle WHY he is not going? Not your circus, not your monkeys.

As long as you continue to speculate and monkey brain as to why and who and how instead of simply dealing with the fact that SOMEONE unauthorized is using your Sirius account and the fact that he isn't going to the game, you can not really detach and get on with your own work and your own growth and your own life...
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Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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T
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Sometimes your heart needs more time
#23: December 02, 2021, 03:35:34 AM
I think it is to soon in my journey to still not ask questions at times or speculate, but I am not affected in a negative way. I’m not lingering in it. I am not shedding a tear. If we all here were free and clear of the situation NOT one of us would be on this forum. So, anyone that is still here posting and commenting is because the situation is using some head space.

That is a healthy way to work through and carry on in my opinion. Acknowledge your thoughts, but don't let them consume you. So, are things still making me go????????  Absolutely, I spent 30 years with him. If he doesn't create a new account and continues to use mine, so I get notifications of his car purchases ( he did buy it) then, yes it hard not to have it be a irritant. Like I said this is the second car addition to the account he has done in the last 3 months. I already asked him to change his cars to a new account or take my email off the account ( no one compromised the account) , so I could start a new account.

I’m really good. I am in therapy and I am moving forward and enjoying myself and my friends. Huge changes are happening in me and my ability to move on and not carry the heavy burden of trying to fix this family single handed. ASS U ME is not me any longer. He does not consume my every thoughts, but things like this do jar the mindf@#kery of the situation at time. I’m sure those moments will still come, but the difference is I am not instigating them myself. They are coming at me and although it may affect me for a moment or make my mind wander for a moment it is moments and not hours or days. That is huge progress in my mind!!

So for me…. I think I will old school Helen Reddy this and be like
I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!!!



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« Last Edit: December 02, 2021, 04:15:59 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Nas

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Sometimes your heart needs more time
#24: December 02, 2021, 05:46:45 AM
Torn, I’m glad to hear you feel okay about things.
UM does make a very useful point though, for you, for others reading along with your thread who are at different points of their individual journey.
The only fact you know is you got an email from SiriusXM and it referenced a Mercedes. Everything else you mentioned was pure speculation: he’s buying her an expensive car to keep her happy, he’s working 7 days a week to keep her satisfied but he doesn’t even care about her, he’s fast tracking to marriage with her even though he doesn’t care about her…

You’ve mentioned you go back and read your threads to see where you’ve grown, so I say this for documentation purposes, as well as for others who are reading. Even if he tells you every single day “I don’t care about her, I’m working 24/7. I don’t feel anything…” you still don’t know what’s going on in his head. Filling in the blanks keeps focus on him and on things that cannot be controlled.

Lastly, I know it’s a hassle but you might consider getting a new email address to avoid things like this.
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Sometimes your heart needs more time
#25: December 02, 2021, 06:06:37 AM
Quote
That is a healthy way to work through and carry on in my opinion. Acknowledge your thoughts, but don't let them consume you. So, are things still making me go????????  Absolutely, I spent 30 years with him.

It is. Accepting the reality of where you are imho is part of healing, as is seeing your progress as your perspective evolves. Your divorce was quick, Tornup, but in other ways you are still a relative newbie.

So what UM said was not I think meant as a criticism requiring any explanation, or Helen Reddy declaration lol, but a data point from an observer in case that is useful to you. And of course it is much easier to see the magic mindreading hat when we have long since binned our own  :) I found it genuinely constructive in my own recovery to be very precise with myself about what were observable facts and what I thought but did not actually know for sure. It’s a bit of brain retraining but it gets easier. I started saying to myself ‘I don’t know’ a lot and seeing that this was more truthful....and that in recovering from the WTF chaos, getting as close to the truth as I could mattered.....and my word, there were a lot of things I didn’t/don’t know, And it is all part of detaching our head as well as our hearts from someone else’s existence.....just takes time and practice  :) have no doubt you will get there but it might just take a bit longer than you wish  :)

Another vote here for perhaps changing some of your emails and other old connections, pain as it is, I know.  :)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Sometimes your heart needs more time
#26: December 02, 2021, 07:53:37 AM
It is hard to block out all thoughts of them, especially when things pop up.

I still receive junk mail in his name, I have tried to get that stopped without success.

What UM is saying has a great deal of wisdom though. We really do not "know" what is going on in their lives.

Recently, I got a phone call out of the blue that lead me down the road of all kinds of things about what he was doing (which still affect me many years later...not everyone can turn off their feelings completely as some here seem to be able to do).

This week, we had dinner together and I discovered that things were not as I had imagined. The energy that I had spent "fretting" was completely unfounded and I have found that too often be the case.

I don't go "looking" for information but like you, you get a piece of mail or someone mentions something to you and our minds go crazy.

Each of us process things differently.

Continue to build a life for yourself. You are dong well with therapy, activities, getting through the holidays and recognizing how you think about things.

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Sometimes your heart needs more time
#27: December 02, 2021, 08:05:12 AM
There is nothing wrong with my email. I’m not sure why I have to lose my email? Anyways he messaged and said he changed to his own email today. He said he was in a bad place but it was ‘t my problem. He is right and I did mot engage in it. I just told him I gave him a spreadsheet of all the accounts and sign ons and he needs to change emails as I do not need insight into his life as I am trying to build my own.

I do want to point out that it is constantly stated that the OW/OM is nothing. If it wasn’t them it would be someone else. They can’t love them, they don't love themselves. So, is that then speculation?? Is it only observable facts if it isnt defined by an actual thought that isnt defined?? What is the difference between me saying he doesn’t love her, his actions are MLC driven as escape and avoid . Is it my tying actual definitive thoughts to it vs what I see as comments daily that are non descriptive?

And my Helen Reddy reference was a bit of humor. Humor is everything right now. I am seeing humor in everything. I know me better than anyone knows me. I am getting to such a better place. I still appreciate everyones insights and observations. I have said it many times. Even if I don’t always agree it does make me reflect and take a look and re-look at myself and my actions, but this time???nahhhhh I don’t fully agree.

He is not himself. He is a MLC’er by the book. If he wasn’t then the situation would be unbearable. I’m glad I can think and blame it all on MLC. If I couldn’t then he would just be a total jerk I was married to for 30 years. I don’t believe that for a second. I understand my thoughts are just that. Not factual, but maybe instead of turning them into scenerio’s that I cant prove that I just need to stop that and give into the “who know’s what, why or when!!! He is A messed up MLC who doesnt know himself.  So, that I can agree on with you all!

Thank you all again….I will re-read your comments and take them to heart and continue to move forward. I really am in such a better place. I just am brutally honest in my thoughts and journalling. Im brutally honest with myself. Always…. Can I be triggered? Yep Can then situations still affect me? Yep   Am I healed? Nope, but I am headed to that place. I can see it through the clouds. It is in my sight. That is really all we need for hope :)

Thank you all again and keep them coming. Truly…you are all golden!!

 
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« Last Edit: December 02, 2021, 08:26:46 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Sometimes your heart needs more time
#28: December 02, 2021, 08:18:35 AM
Between you and me, Tornup (and anyone else reading lol), I still get the odd what I call ‘Alice in Wonderland’ moments. Little flash memories that, no matter how hard I try, I can’t align with what my then h later became and did. The difference....and perhaps the gift of a few more years....is I don’t sort of need them as a reminder of how very WTF/MLCish it all was in the way I did, if that makes sense. And it doesn’t hurt like it once did. But there was a time when I did bc I was trying to make sense of what happened for myself. Just as you are, I’d guess.

There’s a period of time when most LBS need to ‘label’ the crazy s$it that these folks seem to do or need to believe that they know things about how the MLCers life is or isn’t. A kind of reassuring confirmation bias perhaps. And then there’s a time when it just starts to matter less either way bc it changes nothing in our own lives or spirits. That time seems to creep up a bit unnoticed often rather than being a thing one hunts down. It just starts to matter less bc other things matter more. (Not that it doesn’t matter at all, just matters less. Not sure many folks here even years on turn off all of their feelings completely after a long marriage and such a very strange life-altering experience)

We are where we are....until we find ourselves somewhere else. Normal. Our perspective evolves as we do, and of course different LBS have different vistas at different stages. And you’re doing fine for where you are from what I can read  :) but are probably also a work in progress which is why different perspectives can become more useful as you go perhaps.

But, perhaps for others reading along, it is worth flagging the difference between facts and beliefs imho bc some of our beliefs might not always be helpful or might add to our anxiety. A chum of mine here is near the end of a big renovation. She had asked her builder about where they were vis a vis the budget. He had said they were over budget but then took a week to say how much. She has had a sleepless week bc her assumption - in the absence of facts and bc she feels vulnerable - was big bucks. It turns out to be small manageable bucks. Training our eye to separate facts vs assumptions can be very useful in managing anxiety. And anxiety is a pretty common challenge for many LBS. Might not be so for you, which is great, but might be a useful learning point for someone else quietly reading along. Jmo.
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« Last Edit: December 02, 2021, 08:51:14 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Sometimes your heart needs more time
#29: December 02, 2021, 09:26:38 AM
Thought I would stop in here and chime in with what is happening in my case.  For the first 3 years  of my H’s MLC I was obsessed with needing to know things, how he felt about OW, how he felt in general what stage he could possible be in.  All of these questions I felt that I needed to know the answer to.  To make some sense out of the chaos surrounding him.  When I started to focus on myself anxiety went away, pain lessened and it was honestly like I had a crazy uncle living in my attic and I tried to not watch or understand him because it was a disaster for me. 

My H and I are reconnecting and talking a lot now.  I’m now going back and trying to make sense of things by talking it out with him.  He sometimes has answers sometimes he doesn’t.  He can’t even make sense of a lot of his behaviors but he is trying to with therapy.  I may never get the answers I was once looking for so intently.  Who? What? When? Where? Or Why?  Many things I thought had happened he confirmed did, it doesn’t make me feel any better.  I’m learning to stop questioning it because the old anxiety bus comes rolling towards me.  I don’t need the answers anymore.  My H continues to look for answers for himself with a therapist and that is all I need right now. 

I hope you can find peace.  I hope you find yourself not needing to know how he feels or what he is doing.  You seem strong and determined, which is needed at any stage for an LBS. 

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Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

 

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