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Author Topic: My Story Sometimes your heart needs more time

J
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My Story Sometimes your heart needs more time
#90: January 14, 2022, 09:14:58 PM
Only $1.5k? Tell her to ask for two!

That sounds pretty tough. Maybe I'll have notes to compare some time after the divorce. My wife had a crazy idea for a settlement at BD; I don't know if her lawyer gave her a more realistic rundown based on my financials, but we ain't the Rockefellers. I have a good job, but things cost money, and even basic living is getting worse with inflation. She has lived in her own apartment in the past, but I don't know how good she was with money; when I met her, she didn't think cooking for herself was worth the effort, so she ate a lot of takeout (or just made sandwiches, but I don't even think she made salads). That can add up quickly.

On the plus side, my wife was never about name brands. She was happy to share my desire to stay in basic hotels, since "we're going there to experience the destination, not the inside of the hotel." I wonder if any of that will change. She certainly has grand ideas about the kind of place she wants to live after she moves. A downtown loft was one idea, and from what I've looked at that would have been difficult for the TWO of us to afford even in this town! I don't think she has a lot of understanding of prices. She even wanted me to buy a classic musclecar (which I would GLADLY do), but was a bit surprised when I told her that an old car in the kind of condition we would want costs the same now as my 2008 350Z did when I bought it new. They ain't frivolous purchases, and even though we could probably swing it, that would be most of our savings.
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T
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Sometimes your heart needs more time
#91: January 15, 2022, 04:29:02 AM
JB- Right? She said there is one for 5k I really like . I said , get it!  He said anything you want!!!  Hahah. I took care of all the finances when we were married. This is his first time having full access to do what he wants with no one questioning it. OW is like a teenager living with no concept of her parents financial situation. It’s perfect for him. She just things he has an endless flow. He makes a very very good salary. I think he feels he is living that salary and she is helping him feel it, but with no stress. He has never been a big spender. My daughter is wondering, who is this man???

He is living way beyond his paycheck and OW and her kids think they hit the jackpot. At some point he wont be able to keep this up without constantly pulling from his 401k for rescue. He has often said he won't live for 5 more years and he is living like that. He is on a mini vaca with OW and D’s for their bday and has charged $1.5 in 1 day. He comes to take my D30 out tonight for dinner and shopping . She says she doesn’t know what she will do. I said, if you want it and he wants you to have it??? Say,Thanks Dad !! She replied “LOL”

I have always heard and read on this forum to expect it to get worse before it gets better. That is FOR SURE…..at least their behavior. I feel nothing hits me like a ton of bricks anymore and what does surprises me doesn’t stick for long. It is an acceptance now that this is his life. He may think he is enjoying it. He may marry her soon. When they go to buy a nice big house??? Good luck. Even with a great salary. His spending will be a huge battle on buying the house she will want.

What a crazy crazy journey this is to live, watch from the cheap seats and survive!!! And by gosh I am surviving!!!
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« Last Edit: January 15, 2022, 04:30:14 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Re: Sometimes your heart needs more time
#92: January 15, 2022, 04:44:30 AM
How do you know how much he is charging? Does looking at that help you on the balance?
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me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

T
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Sometimes your heart needs more time
#93: January 15, 2022, 05:12:46 AM
Forthetrees- I handled all the finances. I also handled the divorce to get a settlement he agreed on with no attorney on his end. I sent him all his accounts with sign ons to change. He never has. He never took me off his accounts. I have sent and forwarded them for a year. He still wont change. So, I get notifications of all spending by email. I am now flagging them to go to spam. So,soon I should stop seeing them all.  Due to high charges notifications were set to be flagged for fraud. So, that is why the 1.5k notification in the last day was seen. I mean??? It is a lot???

It doesn’t bother me to see the spending anymore. It actually confirms the MLC and that I did the right thing filing and completing his divorce in 90 days from his leaving after 30 years.
I never wanted it and I dont think he would have been able to do it himself. His spending does confirm to me that I made the right decision to protect myself financially. He will be paying me alimony weekly for 13 years. I would have been lucky where we live to get what he is paying me a week now for a month for a year or three. We live in a non alimony state.

So, yes… I get where everyone says don't look. Move on. Live your life. For me I needed some confirmation that I made the right choice and seeing these charges in this past year has been a major confirmation that he is not ok, but my choices are making sure I will be. I am beyond proud of myself!!
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« Last Edit: January 15, 2022, 05:15:35 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

m
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Re: Sometimes your heart needs more time
#94: January 15, 2022, 06:21:38 AM
TornUp I am going to come at this from another angle. First you HANDLED the finances, as in in the past. In the present do you have any legal obligation or right to handle, or even know about his finances? You are getting notification about someone elses financial affairs who is no longer in any way related to you, nor do you have any legal right about their affairs (outside of anything dictated in the divorce).

Have you notified all banks and other entities to no longer forward any e-mail or physical information to you in regards to your ex-H?
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No Kids, 23 years at BD1 (4 years), married 21
First signs of MLC Jan '15
BD 1 Jan '17, BD 2 Mar, Separated Apr, BD 3 May,BD 4 Jun '18
First Sign of Waking up-Dec '17, First Cycle out of MLC Mar '18-Jun ‘18, Second cycle Jul '18-??
Meets OM Jan '17 and acts "in love," admits "in love" Jun '18, asks for divorce Jul '18

T
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Sometimes your heart needs more time
#95: January 15, 2022, 06:37:38 AM
Marvin- I am a legal user on the accounts. He did not remove me. I dont need to be related to him. He has to removed me. Like I said. I have forwarded for a year. I have asked him. I am not his secretary and I feel very judged right now. I am going to remove myself from this forum. I am trying to heal and share my story and I feel the focus is on the wrong thing. I feel somehow he is being defended and I am being accused of something wrong?
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

m
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Re: Sometimes your heart needs more time
#96: January 15, 2022, 06:52:41 AM
I am not defending anyone, nor am I trying to accuse you of anything, I simply asked a question. It may be that as part of the divorce/financial settlement you are entitled to be on the account. I do not know. I am simply confused as to why if you handled the finances when you were married (as I did in my marriage) that would have any relevance to knowing about and/or getting notifications about your ex-H's finances now. There is no judgement, simply a question. You do not have to answer at all obviously. I t was not very clear why you were getting notifications, but if you are a legal user then that answers it. Is he supposed to remove you as part of divorce but has failed to do so? I ask this one because is there any obligation to debt on your part if he does not pay on the account?

I am still legally married. I asked my wife after she implied she wanted a divorce to get her own separate cards (which she did) not for financial reasons, but because I did not believe I had any right to know what she was doing from that point forward. In fact I turned off all notifications and any other access to joint accounts until they could be separated. For me it was an ethical issue, and also it would help me not be in any way engaged in what is going on with her. That was simply what I knew was best for me. Your mileage may vary as they say.
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No Kids, 23 years at BD1 (4 years), married 21
First signs of MLC Jan '15
BD 1 Jan '17, BD 2 Mar, Separated Apr, BD 3 May,BD 4 Jun '18
First Sign of Waking up-Dec '17, First Cycle out of MLC Mar '18-Jun ‘18, Second cycle Jul '18-??
Meets OM Jan '17 and acts "in love," admits "in love" Jun '18, asks for divorce Jul '18

T
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Sometimes your heart needs more time
#97: January 15, 2022, 06:59:29 AM
Marvin- my point is my post was on his spending and advise on that not on how i handle my accounts or expenses. Yet, you still are trying to question that?
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Sometimes your heart needs more time
#98: January 15, 2022, 07:04:30 AM
It is, of course, your right to step away from the forum if you wish.

As an uninvolved reader, your reaction to Marvin’s comment was quite a reactive one and seemed at odds with what he actually said.
We get that. A number of us, me included, have had times of being a bit thin-skinned and reading more into a comment than was intended.

It does seem to confirm your wisdom and courage in pushing through the divorce to protect yourself financially. One of the slightly unusual things it seems to me about your path as an LBS here is that your divorce was so quick but emotionally you are probably still playing catch-up and more similar to other relatively new LBS here who are still in limbo or going through MLC-style drawn out divorces.

And yes, big spending to feed a self-image and/or a demanding ow is not uncommon here.
However, I read the point Marvin was making as being two-fold....
As a sensible woman, I am sure you have checked that your notification on these accounts does not expose you legally or financially.
The second is the reminder that, if you genuinely wish to NOT be notified and your xh is doing nothing to remedy that, you may need to take alternative steps directly with the institutions involved if only to ensure your ongoing protection. And that, as Marvin reminds you, your legal involvement in his affairs was terminated by your divorce and it may not be emotionally constructive for you to spend any headspace at all on this ‘window’ into his new life. That it may in fact be more damaging to you than your words suggest, an example perhaps of where as LBS our words say one thing and our actions another. Again, we get that too bc most of us have spent a little time in that space, so we are acknowledging it more than judging it if that makes sense. But it is unlikely that any conversations with your daughter or email notifications about thousands of dollars spent are useful to you imho....and recovery often draws us towards shutting down avenues to things that do not serve us. You say you posted about his spending and advice on that? Well, surely as his xw, the simple answer is that it is not your business as long as he meets his legal alimony obligations? So, what advice do you need? Jmo.

As Marvin says too, your mileage and the specific arrangements of your divorce may vary.....
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« Last Edit: January 15, 2022, 07:13:48 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

N

Nas

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Sometimes your heart needs more time
#99: January 15, 2022, 07:11:32 AM
Torn, your last several posts have been very focused on him and what he’s spending on OW and how OW is reaping the benefits of her new relationship.
I may be wrong, but I haven’t seen you ask for any advice. I think what every response you’re getting is trying to tell you either directly or indirectly is that your focus is entirely on him and what he’s spending in his new relationship and how does that serve you at all? That’s good people who have been at this a long time are trying to tell you.
Yes, he is spending a lot of money on her. There’s nothing you can do about that and knowing about it is affecting you and taking up space in your head. Mlc or not,  he gets to do whatever he wants with his money, even if it appears to be spent foolishly. That’s all anyone is trying to say, if you change your way of thinking to see that his spending has nothing to do with you, it will save you a whole lot of endless loop thinking about what he’s buying and why he’s doing it.
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