Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8

J
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 250
  • Gender: Male
My Story Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#110: January 12, 2022, 08:25:04 AM
Just today, I saw they opened the original Key West bridge and I have been to Key West several times. Walking that bridge was always something I wanted to do.

I know you have to shovel snow so you don't live there, but I assume you mean Key West, Florida? (That's the only one I know, but there could be others...)

  • Logged

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5103
  • Gender: Female
Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#111: January 12, 2022, 12:08:19 PM
LOL - Yes, Johnny Bravo, I meant Key West, Florida.

I get snow where I am, although contrary to what most people think, where I am is pretty tolerable for snow most times. I was kidding my friend in Maryland when she sent me a picture and she had way more snow than I had last week. I have a total of an inch and a half on the ground currently. I shoveled the driveway yesterday in snow boots though - not stilettos - for the record.

They delivered my dryer - sort of.  ::)

I knew the minute I spoke to the young man on the phone that he had an attitude. I have been around enough college aged kids to know that tone. But, I didn't let that get to me. Simply made note of it and when they arrived, realized my instincts were right on. I was clearly a stupid female homeowner. Never mind that I gave him the measurements of the kitchen island and said the only way that it would fit through the front of the house and through the kitchen is to lift it over the bar in the kitchen - that is nearly 4 ft in the air. But, he had to come see for himself, because well, there is snow on the ground and he had really nice new sneakers on. Okay - I am a shoe fanatic, I get it, but even I understand that you don't wear your good shoes to do that type of work.

So, he as already annoyed and when his coworker came in, who was considerably more pleasant, but not in charge, I mentioned that because of the way the stairs are to the laundry room, the guys that brought the washer discovered that it won't go down the stairs if you go with the back of the dryer first because of the control panels. I wasn't try to be controlling, I honestly know that walking that dryer downstairs is tough enough. But I could have easily been flipped off with the "got it" remark as he instructed his coworker to go down with the back first. I said nothing. I figured okay - have fun with that. I sat at my kitchen counter and listened to him struggle and mutter under his breath as the machine became stuck and they nearly dropped it down the stairs. Now, I don't want anyone getting hurt, but I must admit, I was quite liking the instant karma in that moment.

I went downstairs after hearing the swearing going on in another language. I know the words that were coming out of his mouth and he wasn't happy. So, I go downstairs to find them bickering. They stop and I get the biggest BS story about how it was broken in transit and the leader goes to show me how the electric circuits are snapped. Now, I am an observant person. When they were unpacking the box, there were not dents in the cardboard or tears. Exhibit A. Exhibit B. There were not dents or say marks from a forklift that miscued on the outside of the dryer. Exhibit C - the area in question is where they grabbed when the dryer slid and their hand went through and based on the break in the electronics area that was punched in.

Now, I could have really gone off on them. I tend to be a very calm and nice customer. I find it serves me well and it isn't in my nature typically. But, I was pretty frazzled. However, I realized that this battle was about getting a replacement dryer as quickly as possible for one. So, I played along and accepted their answer simply by asking what the next step was and how soon. The one kid, I could tell felt bad and called the manager. He asked for a rush order and to put me on the schedule because of the damage. I was nice and as I sat back down waiting for them to come back up, I thought to myself that carrying that back up the stairs was punishment enough and I am betting when their boss sees it, they are going to be getting reamed out pretty good. As it stands, I have been very understanding with this particular store. They messed up the screen order on my window and I have been in there enough that the workers have come to know me pretty well. The one kid told me that he remembers me because I always tell him to have a nice day and am always very patient.

I will fight when I need to, but most of the time the fiercest battles I have ever fought are out of a need to protect someone I care about or to speak up if I think something is really wrong. But, there is that reactive side and I was grateful I didn't just go that route. I am annoyed. Not going to say I am not because now, it means trying to figure out who can be here for that 4 hour window for delivery the next time.

My coordinator at the college contacted me. She is looking out for me. She has some remote workshops she would like me to develop. It is a little something and I know her well enough to know that she will be someone I can talk to about this. Maybe there is a balance there I haven't considered. Teaching in a different manner, etc. We will see.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11458
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#112: January 13, 2022, 01:53:39 AM
Quote from: Mourning Dove
I went downstairs after hearing the swearing going on in another language. I know the words that were coming out of his mouth and he wasn't happy. So, I go downstairs to find them bickering. They stop and I get the biggest BS story about how it was broken in transit and the leader goes to show me how the electric circuits are snapped. Now, I am an observant person. When they were unpacking the box, there were not dents in the cardboard or tears. Exhibit A. Exhibit B. There were not dents or say marks from a forklift that miscued on the outside of the dryer. Exhibit C - the area in question is where they grabbed when the dryer slid and their hand went through and based on the break in the electronics area that was punched in.

Now, I could have really gone off on them. I tend to be a very calm and nice customer. I find it serves me well and it isn't in my nature typically. But, I was pretty frazzled. However, I realized that this battle was about getting a replacement dryer as quickly as possible for one. So, I played along and accepted their answer simply by asking what the next step was and how soon. The one kid, I could tell felt bad and called the manager. He asked for a rush order and to put me on the schedule because of the damage. I was nice and as I sat back down waiting for them to come back up, I thought to myself that carrying that back up the stairs was punishment enough and I am betting when their boss sees it, they are going to be getting reamed out pretty good.



One would think that such information from the home owner or resident would normally prove to be somewhat helpful... I guess in this case though, Mr. College FratRat wanted to be the big man on campus.... Gave them the chance to exercise their muscles I guess...


  • Logged
« Last Edit: January 13, 2022, 02:01:47 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5103
  • Gender: Female
Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#113: January 13, 2022, 07:19:26 PM
Oh, UrsaMajor - I called the store. I was put through to 4 different service reps that were scratching their heads. All wanted to help, but were very confused as to what went on.

I was getting rather irritated and assured them I was not upset with them in any way. I was actually laughing which made the one service rep actually incredibly helpful. She said that if I could laugh about how this all unfolded and then find out that the paperwork she did find said "customer demanded a new dryer" we both laughed. Yah, that is how it happened.  ::) But, again - the objective, as I told each rep was for me to find out where the new dryer was, and when it is going to be delivered because I have to actually plan who can be here to wait for it. Finally, they found someone who has some authority and he was clearly frustrated by what he found. They ordered the new dryer and it is in stock. They failed to put in an order for delivery. The delivery supervisor was gone for the day, but this gentleman assured me that he is working for the next few days and he will chase this down.

In the meantime, a corporate survey came in my email about my experience. I am not answering that right away. I am going to mention the whole experience, after my new dryer actually makes it here.  ::)

I had a follow up with the specialist who performed my hysterectomy. We are coming up on nearly a year ago and it was just a sit down and check in. Not a full on exam. When he entered the room, he joked "hello trouble". I asked him if he had been talking to my contractor because that is what he says to me. He laughed. He asked how I was doing. I said remarkably well. On my drive there, I realized how much better I truly physically feel. And most days, I am pretty happy in general. He said he has seen a lot of patients in his years but even when I came to him in pain I had this twinkle in my eye and a healthy sense of humor about me, but today, he said it was more than a twinkle. He joked some more. It is why I liked him from day one. He was funny, but forthright with me.

When I left, I had originally planned to drive home along the lake after getting coffee. After that, I would go home and change into work clothes and tackle something. Then my phone rang. It was D. She had a couple of hours free and did I want to meet her for lunch.

I sighed and knew D needed me today. Sometimes I do say no, but I changed my plans to sit with her.

As I sat in traffic, I thought about my kids. When they were born I made a commitment to love them and nurture them along the way. I never had some dreams of them becoming some huge success, that is, that was not my focus. I wanted them to be good people, first and foremost. I wanted them to find their passion and to pursue it and I would help them achieve those goals by being in their corner.

When MLC hit the household, I had moments where I didn't have it in me to be a mom. I know that my kids are a blessing.  But, sometimes, I have had to hold my tongue and keep from being reactive. D pushing my buttons to the point when she is having a moment - I have stopped short of saying out of sheer exasperation "OMG - call your F and rant to him about whatever is going on in your life and stressing you out". Oh, I know that would be cruel and I would never say it, but I can't say I haven't felt that way at times. Or when I really don't want to be M at all.

I have said it before and I thought about it again today, as I made the turn to head towards where D and I were meeting. I have someone very specific to thank and the depth in which their words drilled into my head. It kept me on my path for my original goal. I trusted them and respected them, and perhaps it always meant that much more because I knew that I had an opportunity not given to them. Xh didn't want the kids. He only wanted to manipulate them and use them. He left them with me. I know that this person didn't have that type of situation at all, which just makes me sick, still. But, those reminders to protect my kids and myself stuck with me and kept me going more than anyone will ever know. It is why I sometimes sacrificed so much of myself to try and keep things "normal" for the kids. Their relationship with one another, etc. It meant I had to sometimes give up my own desires and dreams. It is not necessarily something I think everyone should do. In my case, I just knew Xh well enough and knew the games his parents had played to have a sense of how it could play out.

Now, I am facing this strange time when the control has ended with Xh to that extent. He can still play games with the kids, but they have figured a lot out. They are adults and I can't throw myself down on the tracks to stop the train for them. I have done all I can do for the most part.

Still, D and S do need me at times. I know that.

What struck me today very clearly was that I can look back and see some of the things I so wanted for myself. I found myself falling in love with someone and I worried about pressuring them, but I also was so aware of how I personally couldn't just spring things on the kids. S was more open to it and still is, but D was going to have a harder time. Just this evening she had a moment of abandonment issues that bubbled up briefly, when she called and asked where I was because I was in the car, clearly. Not where I was planning on being. She caught herself and we worked through it. It is much better, but I am aware of it still. The idea of being one of those women who could have men coming and going was never an option for me in any way shape or form. Even my coworker, neither kid has spent much time with him. This other person, I let into my life differently. And, I realized not long ago I had wanted to be able to have the freedom now that the kids are spreading their wings to focus more on seeing where things went.

This weekend I had talked about seeing someone. It was a few weeks ago and nothing was formalized. I had an idea in my head though about what I wanted to do. One was to prepare a dinner and actually not have to somehow leave the house to keep my life somehow compartmentalized. But, that didn't materialize. Today, I decided I am going to do some of the things I had planned, just because I need to break free from always being in that M role. The kids don't need the same type of "protection" anymore. Now I need to think about "protecting" myself a bit. And that means something different now for me - that is I need to protect who I am and continue to nurture that part of me some more. I have protected myself in that there is some stability and I did keep the boat from tipping over.

I don't know about a lot of things right now. I know that I embraced today and had the sunroof open as the sun was out. The guy who pulled up next to me at the gas station was laughing at me. He asked if I realized it was just over 40ºF out. I smiled and said that you haven't lived until you have cranked the heat up in the car and let the sunny winter air into the car. He didn't believe me, but he said it clearly agreed with me. I will admit - it is cold sometimes, but it is a mind game that I will play with myself to look to the positives. The sun was out. The roads were clear and it was a perfect day to drive with little traffic on the highway. Sunshine and music were all I honestly needed today.  ;)
  • Logged
« Last Edit: January 13, 2022, 07:22:13 PM by MourningDove »

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11458
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#114: January 14, 2022, 12:35:08 AM
Sunshine.... what is THAT? I think I saw some of that a couple of days ago but the last 2 days have been grey soup and it is supposed to stay that way for a week now...   I did have the chance a couple of weeks ago to get in some wind therapy as it was warm enough, dry and sunny... It was also an opportunity to a) fill the tank and recharge the battery on my motorcycle so I took it... and it was GREAT! Coupled it with a bit of food shopping and a couple of other errands so it wouldn't seem like I was just out frolicking in the sunshine alone... ;-)

Seriously though, having the ability/opportunity to engage in a little self-care is a good thing and, now that the chance is there to NOT be the rock in the middle of the storm for everyone else, the time seems right.

You GO!

  • Logged
Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5103
  • Gender: Female
Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#115: January 14, 2022, 09:23:11 PM
UrsaMajor - Yes, well we had a gloomy start to our day and the temps absolutely plummeted. It was a bit harder to find enthusiasm today. LOL

I think I try harder now than I ever did before this whole experience to find a tiny bit of good in every day. It doesn't always work and I find on certain days, like yesterday that I seek to fill the tank a bit to get through those days that feel impossible.

I let the puppy sleep with me last night. She has been sleeping with S consistently, but he hurt his back at work yesterday, so I said I would let her curl up at my feet. At night, she is actually very well behaved and calms right down. However, by morning, she is ready to just attack the day. The kids sent me a post on Facebook tonight that made me go "OMG" and it is so very true. It shows three pictures of a Heeler's life stages. Puppy at 0-4 months, all sweet low key and from 4-36 months it shows a velociraptor, followed by active, but more refined adult dog. I laughed. I have let another velociraptor into my life. What was I thinking? It is actually incredibly accurate. LOL

I woke up and felt the potential for some melancholy to settle in. So, when I got to work, I kept very busy. I attacked a couple of big projects that could have waited in regards to inventory, but I resolved those before lunch. It was then S called me to ask if I had seen the weather report. I hadn't looked at it. The storm they thought was going to miss us, is on the way. It is not so much the amount of snow, it is how rapidly it is going to fall in the next few days.

S had his interviews. One job came back with an offer and he is waiting on the other. They are both places where he had done internships and the latter said no matter what he selects, they would love to have him as a subcontractor per diem even if he takes the other job. They are desperate for help in all areas. They happened to know that S can drive a variety of vehicles. It has nothing to do with the job they want to hire him for, but they happen to deal in large equipment and have a subsidiary that deals with commercial snow removal. S, informs me that he has been put on a call list to go out drive a huge pay-loader. He was given a choice between a hospital and a casino to keep clear. I knew I didn't have to ask which he chose, but he offered that in a snow emergency, he figured he would feel better about making sure people could get to a hospital.

I am nervous about my kid going out into a storm. I won't lie. I put on a good front and I know he is very careful, but it is probably one of the few things that makes me worry. But, I know him well enough to know, he will check in and let me know where he is and when he leaves, etc. We have had that deal in place for years and I think ever since Xh left, he gets a sense of comfort out of it as much as I do - knowing someone is thinking about you.

With the storm potentially rolling in, I looked at the upcoming work for the gallery and my coworker and I have a huge show to take down and then put up the second biggest show we have every year. It is a headache in terms of coordinating and it is a lot of physical work. When I realized that the forecast is showing the weather pattern potentially hitting right when the show is coming down and then going up with very little room in between the reception, I called my coworker. We came up with a modified plan and decided to strip the walls bare a couple of days ahead of schedule. It is not how we like to do it, but neither of us liked the idea of being in early the day of the reception and still hanging work. I told my coworker I would start taking things down a couple of hours before the end of the day and instead of our normal process, I would create a "triage" type scenario and put all of the artwork that came down in one of our other smaller galleries, which if we can't clear back out before the reception can temporarily be closed down. We also figured out a system to make that takedown go smoother in terms of inventory control by doing it in this manner.

I was honestly trying to keep myself from thinking today about anything other than work. I was struggling with my own expectations for this weekend and trying not to think about any of it. So, I do what I do best and throw myself into my work.  ::)

As I started working away, my phone rang. It was one of my colleagues at the college. It is why I so love this group I work with. We have always been a tight knit group. The other departments often wonder how we all work so well together when other departments often have internal fighting. We just respect one another and sometimes disagree, but we stick together. I am not a full time staff member, and yet, they value my abilities, etc. My colleague asked me if I was interested in taking on a subcontract for a bit. It isn't something that is going to solve my problem long term, but it does give me a bit of a breather. What struck me wasn't that it is money to help me, it is that I realize why I am so devastated about the classes. I don't just miss my students and teaching, but I loved that I worked with people who give a $h!te about one another. We were a team.

Maybe it was that call that pushed me, IDK. In two hours I did the impossible and my coworker at the gallery sent me a text a short time ago. She was laughing and said she had stopped to pick up something of hers that I had found earlier in the day. She asked if I had really done all that work by myself and still left on time. I laughed and told her that I stayed an extra 15 minutes, but yes, I had just made up my mind I was going to clear the entire gallery of over 200 pieces of artwork. Not only that, I categorized them and put protectors between each piece. They were broken out so that inventory will be really easy to deal with after we hang the show. She could not believe it because normally it takes 3 of us an entire afternoon. I reminded her that normally we deal with the inventory as we go, but we both now think that maybe this will be more efficient. I did tell her I don't think I want to attempt that again by myself, because I was exhausted tonight. But, it kept me focused on something other than my feelings or thoughts about anything other than the task at hand.

Tomorrow, I am hoping to find that same type of energy to get some things done around the house now. Monitor and adjust.
  • Logged

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5103
  • Gender: Female
Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#116: January 15, 2022, 11:31:17 AM
I have done very little today and that bothers me. I wore myself out a bit physically, that I know. I normally would feel a sense of accomplishment, but getting up and realizing I am facing stupid things like a now growing pile of laundry was a bit much. Yes, I can be understanding. How even if the young men broke the dryer in the first place. I understand delays that have been created due to other issues now. Pandemic. Lack of help. Supply chains. Impending storms… but I am not in an understanding mood today.

It was frankly discouraging this morning. Sort of a "gloomy day" feel taking over, especially when I called to chase after the dryer and the man who has been helping me felt very bad that it would seem they had to order a new one from the manufacturer. I wanted to just cry. I am not angry with him or even the guys who delivered it. Oh, sure the one was a colossal a$$ but I can even forgive their careless approach. All I want is a resolution to this so that I can try to move something forward in my life.

I don't want to sit around and be a victim either. I could be pissed at the universe and make a really good argument considering starting last year I have had to deal with more than some people in terms of the BS going wrong with MLC fixes that were biting me in the butt. Followed by a surgery that I really am now grateful for, but it certainly derailed things - and knowing now that all the years I had issues they were sort of dismissed. I was "getting older" was the standard line and a reason for my unexplained aches and pains. I could be upset that I have had to replace appliances and phones and on and on. It is a lot. Not going to lie. But it gets me nowhere and I have to laugh it off to keep my sanity. I remind myself that I have way more to be grateful for and life isn't always fair.

I have allowed myself to stew for a bit today and sat in pool of sunshine coming through the windows and landing in the kitchen nook, while I just drank coffee with the dog underneath my chair. She hasn't been herself today. Normally she is very active behaving like a hyperactive toddler who is hopped up on sugar. But, she is not a breed that is built for this type of cold. She likes the snow, but she is not like my lab, who I had to sometimes physically nudge her to get up when we would go out. My dog used to become so terribly stubborn, loving the cold and snow, and often burying herself in the snow banks. While we still haven't gotten any real snow accumulation, it is very cold today. So, the puppy went out started to run around and then decided that no, she was going to come in and join me in the warm kitchen. S's GF had gotten her a hoodie designed for a dog. The puppy refuses to take it off. I laughed when I saw her coming down the stairs this morning in her pink sweatshirt. IDK, maybe she doesn't want to get her new clothes dirty.  ::)

But, now that the day has sort of really taken hold, I feel a need to get something done. Anything. I am all for lazy days and I have to sometimes force myself to take them. Today is a weird day in terms of my motivation. I am feeling more like I am not even sure what to tackle. It almost feels like no matter what I do it isn't going to make any difference and I am going to get up and there is just more to tackle. I know it is much like how I sometimes feel creatively and have had it happen when I have had client work to do and don't have the enthusiasm for it in the moment. I know if I don't do anything then I will be mad I wasted my day and wasn't even big enough to just tell myself to blow the day off and relax completely. It will feel like I squandered a day if I don't go one direction or the other - either get a little something done or just accept today is a stay curled up with a book day.

When I have found myself in these moods creatively, I have sometimes just found little things to put me in my studio space and I might organize my materials or do something to be in the space without the pressure of working. The problem is right now, I am mildly overwhelmed with what is right in front of me. I know what it is that is holding me up and it is because other thoughts and emotions are popping up and there are no solutions to those thoughts, that is they are all out of my control. It is not some need to discuss them and work through them, it is more that in all honesty I keep getting hit with little reminders in different ways. Stupid things perhaps. I won't call them signs, but reminders that keep popping up in funny ways. Almost comical at times. Where I want to tell the universe it has a very perverse sense of humor.

I would sort laundry, but that seems rather a waste of time right now - LOL. I don't think seeing smaller piles of it sorted out is going to help me feel any better.  ::) But, I need to find that project that is along the lines of organizing my art space. Mindless and yet somehow productive.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: January 15, 2022, 11:57:37 AM by MourningDove »

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5103
  • Gender: Female
Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#117: January 15, 2022, 09:20:13 PM
I did something I haven't done in a very long time. I needed to let out the stress that has built up inside of me.

I started to do some work after not being able to motivate. I decided to put up a curtain on the back kitchen French doors that go out onto the deck. I really don't want any type of window coverings, and usually even in the winter, they are not an issue, but with this type of bitter cold, the draft from the wind blowing is really noticeable.

S thought it was rather funny at first, because he said coming in off from the garage now makes him feel like he is entering a speak easy with the bar and I had the overhead lights turned down low. But, it has helped today. Yet, I was frustrated because the brackets were going in too easily. I just knew that it was not going to be a simple 10 minute job. Sure enough, the last bracket wasn't on a stud, so that meant dealing with anchors which wouldn't be a problem except the ones they supplied were garbage and I didn't have any in my box of hardware that would work for this situation. I got them to work for now, but have to stop and resolve that issue. It was enough to start to make me tense up. It was a nothing thing, but with all that has gone on it felt like a bit too much.

There had been other things going on today that felt like people were asking me to juggle the balls they had in the air along with my own and I just couldn't do it today. It was one little joke that my sister made that just hit me at the wrong time.

It has nothing to do with her at all. I wasn't mad at her. She didn't say anything wrong at all. It was a comment that normally would have made me laugh and just say "yah, one of those days" but today - the words actually were a bit too accurate. It is how I was feeling in that moment and I hadn't even really been able to put my finger on it. She had said to me "ah, so today you are living the dream". I burst into tears. OMG she felt so bad, but knew that is not me. She told me to just let it out. I blurted out that is just it. I am beginning to really wonder about my own dreams.

I had dreams and goals when I was younger. I accepted that sometimes those things change and adapted along the way. But when Xh and I married we had goals and dreams together. When the kids moved out we had originally planned to enjoy our time together and travel, etc. That of course didn't happen. I accepted it at a certain point and made peace with that long ago. I continued to help S and D focus on their dreams and mine were there, but sort of in this state of limbo. And as my life changed some, I was honestly looking forward to new things or other things blossoming. They were new dreams.

But the past few weeks with all that has come along feels like my dreams all just crashing down on me. The pandemic put some dreams on hold. I accepted those realities and set them aside. I adapted. But in that moment today, when my sister made that joke, I felt myself feeling as if every thing I had dreamt or had hoped for is just not at all attainable anymore. That "now what" feeling was overwhelming and I was really mad once I voiced it.

I found myself needing to just let go of the anger that has been inside me about several things. For one, it happened yet again the other day when someone made some comment that was phrased that I was so lucky I won the house and the kids in the divorce. This has happened at least 3 times in the past couple of months that someone has said it to me. Nothing was won. I had to sacrifice at times and it has not been easy. I think the implication was that I somehow don't know how blessed I am. And, I should have just let it roll off my back because it was my toxic aunt who has been dropping this on me and her reasoning is to reel me in and dish on details about my divorce. I don't normally let it get to me, and completely avoid my aunt, but my uncle, who I adore has been sick and I have wanted to know how he is. So, I have to go into the dragon's lair and deal with the dragon to get that information. Normally I am good at putting on my anti aunt armor, but with the additional things going on, I haven't put it on, I guess.

I called my friend and cried. I told her I feel like a victim and I don't want to be victim. She laughed at me and assured me in all of the years she has known me, I have only had a short time period where I had a victim mentality and that was at the height of MLC. Aside from that I may have a pity party for myself, but I don't stay in that realm too long. She asked me what was preventing me from being angry. Hmmm- I had to think. She asked me why don't I allow myself to really let go and had that maybe been the issue before the holidays that I wasn't upset with that person, but have been holding in these emotions and holding it together and being steady for everyone that perhaps I needed to really let out more than just crying.

Crying is a good release for me. As is creativity, but she had a point. She told me it was okay for me to be really pissed off sometimes. And I know she wasn't talking about snapping or that bit of yelling that occurs. She was talking about letting go of all of the stress. She started off a list that made me laugh. D and S's GF both were incredibly moody today and S was smart enough to go in the garage. I was left with both of them in the house and heaven help me. My friend asked me how did I feel about the girls' moods today. Yah, it sucked. They were miserable and frankly, b!tc#y. Then she mentioned Xh and his latest, which is to try and push S to take a specific tact with the job offers and to sway S one way or the other. She joked Xh is being a d!ck. Yup. The dryer and that debacle is worth being more than aggravated about. The college courses, etc. Yup and the remaining list of things that have just been pushing down on me the past month. All of it. I didn't deal with it over the holidays properly.

So she had a suggestion. I took it. She was right. Release that negative energy. It is not going to solve anything, but let it out at least and be okay letting it out. D realized I was not going to deal with her today. She could stew in her own juices. GF was off pouting. S and his friends came in and had brought home some honey whiskey. I looked at all of them, poured a shot and downed it and told them I would be in the basement and to leave me be. S gave me a look and it wasn't concern, more he wondered what I had planned. I found my hammer and took aim. The bulk of the flooring was removed in the "Great Flood of '21", but a few tiles remained under where the dryer used to sit and around the permitter. They have been on my list to deal with but it hasn't been my focus. I could have taken them up in large slabs, but I so needed to smash something.

I came back upstairs a half an hour later and S's friends were a bit speechless. I don't think they have ever seen me this upset. C asked me if I was okay. S laughed and said he suspected I was much better. I was. I just needed to get it all out of me. The hurt. The anger. The frustration. The sadness.

I am no closer to solving problems or having answers. I was however of clearer mind and went to put up some of the cement board in the bathroom. It wasn't as far as I would have liked to have gotten, but it went much smoother than it would have had I not gone and let go of the other feelings.

Maybe it will help me reset my whole outlook and maybe the dreams will be clearer or at least the path will feel like it is the right one. IDK. But the stress is gone for now.
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11452
  • Gender: Female
Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#118: January 16, 2022, 03:32:46 AM
Quote
It is not going to solve anything, but let it out at least and be okay letting it out.
I am glad you had a wise friend and a hammer  :)

I think sometimes the reason why those of us years out post here is bc there are things that are difficult to name but we feel others here might recognise. I have found myself nodding in a ‘me too kind of’ way to some of your last posts. Experiencing thoughts and feelings which are hard to describe but important nonetheless.....even if I have not much in the way of either questions or answers for me or anyone else  ::)

I don’t know, but I suspect, that after almost two Covid years we are not the only ones feeling a weird collection of stuff we can’t quite name or pin down or know what to do with.

I suspect that the route map for many LBS - and others whose lives are upended in ways that are incomprehensible to them - is from shock to multiple versions of survival. Which is not to sniff at survival but it’s a particular kind of way to live, isn’t it? Smaller and yet more exhausting somehow. And then there’s what? A something else which is more than survival, more than actions to keep ones head above water. Something else which doesn’t feel like the old game of Snakes and Ladders. I remember how it felt to live a something else but it feels more like a game of Hoopla to me now  :)

I have thoughts and feelings which I can name. Sometimes I let them out to run off some energy; sometimes I just nod to them and let them sit quietly in the corner until they take themselves off. But sometimes tbh I am not able to name them. And not sure how to assess them or what the root cause of them is or what to do with them. I find it a rather tiring way to live sometimes albeit interspersed with joys that grab my attention.

So, just wanted to say Me too Sort of. And that I hear you.
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

R
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2025
Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
#119: January 16, 2022, 05:50:25 AM
I am glad you had a wise friend and a hammer  :)

I'm glad I didn't just take a sip of tea just before reading that line.
  • Logged

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.