[Nas]

And I started to think about what I might WANT, and the pros and cons of different possibilities...
 Tbh I am also thinking about just going to visit a few towns/places to see how they feel to me before even making appointments to look at specific houses, if only to test my own gut feel on what’s next. So, we will see....

I did this, in the year after BD. I "auditioned" different places to live before I moved, and funny enough these are some of my best memories now, formed from a time when I was feeling so lost and heartbroken and devastated. I hope you find a place that feels wide open: safe and stable and full of possibilities.

. And I have no words for the staggering insanity of what Mr Putin might be planning for Ukraine or how it might feel to live in Kiev right now.

I remind myself of this when I do things like take the stress survey xyzcf just posted, where I scored off the charts: people living in Ukraine and elsewhere are not sitting comfortably right now taking stress surveys. So I guess even with my high score, I need to keep perspective and hope for a next chapter.

[Curiosity]

Treasur,

Much turmoil has been thrown in your direction recently, it seems. I wish you strength, peace, and just the right amount of luck as you navigate these changes. What I will say, though, is that - whatever trauma was activated within you, and however much is still lingering - the sense I get from reading your update is of strength and peace, like on a fundamental level you know that you will be not just okay with whatever changes are coming, but you will use those changes as an opportunity for growth and learning. I wasn’t here when you were starting your healing process, so I can’t speak to how far you’ve come - but I can say that this quiet, sure strength and confidence in your ability to navigate all of this… well, you are truly an example of what it means to succeed in the whole LBS journey - and really, what it means more broadly to succeed in life. The details look different for each of us, but the underlying self awareness and courage are among the greatest things we can learn. Wishing you good things as you move forward with the decisions to come.

[Trustandlove]

Thinking of you, treasur.  I learn so much from you, and admire your strength.  I am so glad that many people local to you are stepping up.

x

[MadLuv]

Treasur- your strength has seemed to alway guide you in the right direction. I will continue to follow and see where life brings you, but I have a feeling it will be to a new place of more growth

[forthetrees]

Fingers crossed that you have a neighbor in your area that cannot stand the thought of you and Gracie moving away. Am envisioning a cottage on someone´s property that cries out for a person like you.

[Treasur]

Useful PTSD article which might be helpful to someone here https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/feb/27/i-dont-know-who-i-am-any-more-working-through-trauma-is-about-reconnecting

I must admit that for me that sense of not being able to find myself was by far the worst bit of  PTSD for me, way worse than the flashbacks, or memory problems or physical shaking or even the vomiting lol. Bc I couldn’t see how I was ever going to find something when I had no idea of what I was looking for but couldn’t see how I could be the old me either. Which led to a feeling of deep despair, a feeling of being adrift I suppose, and a belief that recovery was impossible and literally inconceivable. (Spoiler alert - I was wrong)

[Treasur]

Lord, fixers are exhausting! Even when you know their intentions are good....I feel suitably remorseful for any time i’ve  been one tbh

A local chum yesterday simply refused to believe that I have money in the bank but won’t be able to get a mortgage for 2-3 years if then bc of the damage that MLC/PTSD did to my credit score and income. She asked, then refused to take my ‘no’ for a ‘no’ and launched into a ‘well, I can’t believe that, you need to do x and y’. Unusually for me, I became a bit testy 
And my neighbour just stopped me and did much the same but with a scheme of how I could qualify for social housing bc I am no eligible for that bc too much money lol. If I tell you that his scheme involved getting on a train to France, opening a bank account and fraudulently hiding money there.....well, I got a bit testy again. 

My house hunt is not going well. Not many houses to rent in this county. My car is broken. My mother is ill again. My landlord has just accepted an offer so the clock  is ticking. Well, it feels more like one of those Bond style guillotines lol. And it’s raining so Gracie is grumpy. And i’m  not sleeping well. Everything in my life is now infected by uncertainty. And I want to find the right kind of spot, not just a beggars can’t be choosers spot. It’s not easy.  Fortunately my good LBS skills and natural optimism can be intentionally powered up every day but my word, it’s exhausting.

I wonder why we humans jump into fixing with a list of ‘you should do’ so quickly? Why we don’t go instead to ‘what could I do that would be helpful’? Another chum here did just that.....plus reminding me that I have a track record of being a very good problem solver and that I have made lemonade from far worse lemons lol....she is acting as my chauffeur to go look at a house tomorrow plus buying us a pub lunch. Much more helpful 

Fixing is kind of inherently disrespectful, isn't It? Or so it seems to me. It carries an underpinning of ‘you’re too x to have thought of y and I am wiser’. I am conscious of my shame atm, well fear too, but shame is sloshing around. I owned my first property at 21.....I ran an international business I owned for over 25 years....I have fallen a long way financially from where I was. And I feel shame about where I am now, that I am as vulnerable and constrained as I am. Ha ha, and I have learned that shame makes me testy lol. My wise local chum and I were talking about this yesterday....I needed to talk in a warm safe place with a friend and a sympathetic schnauzer it turns out  .....and she challenged me a bit by asking if shame means I feel it’s my fault, that i’m to blame for what happened to me. That regret makes sense, but shame implies either competition against some expected standard  in some way or that I am blaming myself. She’s right of course....and it was useful that she poked me to think about it bc shame is rather debilitating when you are trying to launch into the unknown 

A lot of thing happened to me. Like weather. My only reasonable criticism of myself is perhaps that I didn’t know I needed an umbrella or that I stayed in the rain too long so got really, really wet. But it is also true that I do feel responsible for not safeguarding myself better, not for having PTSD but maybe for exposing myself to the point when I was vulnerable to it, maybe for not getting treatment earlier. I was not responsible for a lot of what brought me to this spot in life, so feel no shame about it, but I think I feel shame that I did not cope with it better. It’s perhaps a kind of arrogance. Which is weird bc, even if I didn’t do so well, I did the best I was able to do at the time.....even if it wasn’t much cop lol....and yet the shame is still there. Odd. And it’s an unfamiliar acquaintance bc I never experienced shame for the first fifty or so years of my life....odd and humbling tbh.

Today is a fresh day. I am having coffee. Grumpy Gracie is asleep on the bed. I will call my walking chum and go out for a wet walk and then start making house calls and working through my moving to do list. Bc I am packing even though I have no idea where I will be going  which in a strange way is a rather nice return of pre-ptsd efficiency and multi-tasking  I have a couple of months yet. I’ll figure a good next place out. I always have done so far and I will again. But my Babe-ishness is a bit under pressure so prayers and good thoughts gratefully received from afar  (and no fixer resoinses please lol bc I am not so nice when I am testy  )

[forthetrees]

Was hoping that your landlord would not get an offer so quickly. Even moving when it´s your own choice is stressful so moving when it´s not adds a heap more. You are a person with grit so even though you are being uprooted, you may go through transplant shock but will put down new roots.

[MomOfSteel]

Moving is unsettling at baseline.  I hope you can find the perfect place and soon.  Fixers I think while trying to help it seems like they are uncomfortable with the way other people are feeling and instead of offering empathy try to insist they have the answers. Well, at least that’s how I view it.  It sounds like you have a great friend though who truly is being helpful and supportive.  I feel like those people are rare gems in life. 

[xyzcf]

Treasur,

Might I say that you are being a bit hard on yourself. Having to move is yet another situation that was not in your control. You didn't decide that a move would be a good thing and now you are left with finding a place that is the right one for you and all the other hassles of moving. And, as you explained, you seem like you will have to rent....in your past you owned a home, in the past you could get a mortgage...any one of these is "draining" for lack of a better word.

My home, which I fortunately own, is my "safe" place. People "tell" me all the time...why are you living in such a big house by yourself....like somehow this is a ridiculous thing to think that a lone women could possibly take care of "all this" herself. As though I have not carefully weighed the financial implications, and the "work" involved.....

People just want everything to be better, the way they see it would be better.

Even Mr. xyzcf, when we were dividing up assets suggested to me that I could move to this apartment complex that backs on to a parking lot of a Home Depot. I guess he thought he was being "helpful".

Anyway Treasur just wanted to send you a hug and please continue to let us know how the house hunting is going. And do not apologize for being "testy"...there is a lot going on in our lives both personally and globally.