[Treasur]

Sometimes I ask myself why I post here still and when/if it is time to stop.
I respond to posts I think mostly bc if something I post helps someone else avoid slipping into PTSD or digging themselves out of it, that’s good. And sometimes bc I know how important it is to feel heard and seen. And not crazy lol.

I think I post on my own threads at those times when I need to put words to something and feel that this is the only tribe that will get it. Both what i’m saying and why, even now years on, I need to say it out loud. So thank you in advance to anyone reading.....that’s a gift in itself 

Good stuff first. Am digging in my new-ish garden making a vegetable area....something I could have done just about when I first got here 10 months ago but just couldn’t quite. All kinds of reasons, you know that feeling I know, but I felt bad that I hadn’t. So I feel good that I am now. Gracie is just fine - no seizures at all and back to her normal opinionated self. Christmas was low key for me but some nice bits were very nice indeed. And I bounced into January full of va-voom.....

Then I took a big fall backwards in my mental wellbeing, almost out of nowhere, so it caught me out a bit. There are contributing reasons for it tbh.....my Uncle is going through some scans and diagnoses and it might be not so good news, my mother’s functioning has disappeared off a cliff rather suddenly and I might need to make some difficult choices in the next few weeks, a friend said something implying that she believes I am not ‘over it’ or where I should be and shared her own rather negative POV about how the world works (which she has a right to feel but it really isn’t how my bones are built, but it had me full of self-doubt and a bit of shame for a few weeks),  i’m not good in the cold and it got very cold here for a while although it has warmed up now, and a lot of things going on in the UK and the world make me feel rather despairing. But that wasn't It really......the best I can come up with is that I suddenly felt normal enough to realise just how much of my confidence had been shredded over the last few years. I felt so small and feeble all over again and I didn’t like it all.

So I had to step backwards quite a way to move forwards again. Very sludgy feeling. Which made me feel very cross with myself and the universe indeed  I started digging and pruning, hoping to find some confidence and purpose in the effort. Or at least be able to burn my despair in my little garden incinerator lol. And I think it’s working. Slowly but it’s working.

This morning I decided to burn my journals. Written from the end of 2015 when weird things started happening through BD in 2016 and until idk about 2019 or so when I stopped.  I’d never read them. I’m not sure how many there were, maybe a dozen. But I think I kept them bc I was afraid that they were my only accurate memory source....large chunks of those years I can’t remember at all, it’s like PTSD ate my memories  But I knew too that I would never read them which was weird. So I just kept them in a box in a cupboard. And this morning I am burning them bc I don’t need them anymore. Which feels like a very big deal to me. Ha ha, only here would people get that, I suspect. And I am telling myself that the fire will burn off the bad stuff in them and the good stuff - the love, the effort, the hope - will be dug into the soul of my veggie beds to produce marvellous tasty green things that will make me feel good.

Weird experience though to have felt/feel this way after so many years. As I was burning them, flickers of memories popped up - not so much of events, more of how desperate I was, how lost and alone I felt. Tbh for a few minutes I felt rather ashamed of all the emotional backflips and carefully constructed words that I tried to use in the hope that my h would be kinder and more honest with me, that he would care about me and our life together....i was pretty pathetic for quite a long time. But I also thought how extraordinary it is to be on the receiving end of someone who won’t or can’t treat you with some small acts of kindness when you are that vulnerable. Who not only doesn’t make it better, but seems to choose to act in ways that make it harder and more insane. So I gave that me a retrospective hug, poor soul. And i’ll look forward to happy beans and courgettes in that bed 

But my, those WTF times and PTSD years were horrific. I am slightly surprised that I am still here to tell the tale. But grateful that I am.

Thank you for listening xxxx

[Trustandlove]

Hi, treasur,

I, for one, am truly grateful that you continue to post here, even though I am among the oldest of old-timers here I still learn so much from you.  Thank you!

I also burned my journals a few years ago; I think it says something good that I'm not exactly sure how many years ago it now was, but much for the same reasons you mention.  I had written loads, it was my way of getting it all out in so many ways.  Burning them was a very good thing.  I felt much lighter afterwards, and haven't missed them one jot.

It took a few more years for me to get rid of all the e-mails; I must have had 10 years' worth between my H and myself, including all the horribly hurtful ones.  I started wondering why I was keeping them, but even then it took quite a while for me to press delete.  I think it may have been also to document things and not rely on my memory; perhaps it was wishing that I would later have ones that showed "progress", or something like that.

I finally decided that it didn't matter, that if there were ever "progress" that I could deal with it without all that baggage, and the whole folder went into the bin.  Being electronic things kept popping up for a while, and who knows, perhaps they are all in there somewhere, but definitely not where I might see them again.  And that was an extremely good thing for me. 

Since then there have been one or two other things that I've found that I was holding on to for reasons that were no longer clear or applicable, and I've been able to get rid of those as well.  It is very healing and life affirming, I've found, and I also believe that should something change that would allow some kind of connection that having got rid of all that might even make it easier.  At any rate that isn't an option on the table so it's nothing I need to worry about, but it feels good to know that I'm me, and that I'm good. 

I, too, am grateful that you are here! 

x

[Treasur]

Thanks, Trust - strangely reassuring and encouraging to know it’s not just me 

[xyzcf]

Good morning Treasur.

But my, those WTF times and PTSD years were horrific. I am slightly surprised that I am still here to tell the tale. But grateful that I am.

You wondered :

Sometimes I ask myself why I post here still and when/if it is time to stop.

As you know, I have been posting for a very long time. I didn't identify that I was suffering from trauma for many years, nobody suggested that and I tried to hide behind false smiles and saying "I'm fine" because people (including myself) would have thought I was not very "healthy" to be in such despair because my husband left me. These things happen all the time and people "recover", find a new love, even a part of me would question myself....he's only a man, and not a very good man at that.

Yet still I was stuck, frozen inside a chunk of ice, unable to feel joy.

One of the many reasons for writing here and responding to others is because we found a "diagnosis" and treatment that allowed us to feel alive again. My first therapist certainly didn't suggest PTSD but we talk quite a bit to other members about this being a possibility.

Our whole world as we knew it was blown apart to smithereens.....it makes such sense to me now but it didn't back then.

And so, we write to perhaps help others identify sooner what is causing them so much pain, and ways to get through it.

I thank you and all members who take the time to write to others...I know how very much it means to people to have a response to their posts....this internet family who shows some kindness and caring...ah yes....as you know...that to me is so very important..I am not in favour of the "tough love" approach to LBSers.....we are so very wounded and other than some words on a page, we do not really know how badly wounded the writer of the post may be....that is probably part of being a nurse, but I digress.

I shredded all the journals. Like you, I never reread any of them and I didn't want my daughter finding them after I am gone or reading them....they served a purpose....sometimes I had to write and write and those pages were very dark, very black, very disturbing so they are gone.

I am trying to clean up my emails and came across a file I forgot I had from people I had communicated with after BD....they need to go. But I am trying to get financial and identity stuff cleared off at the moment....those handy files that I keep all my receipts etc are not so helpful if your email gets hacked and the information is used for the hacker's purposes....didn't think about that when I first started "saving" everything electronically.

His emails I still have. I think the reason that I kept each one, was "proof" to me that he he had not forgotten me. There are not any words of his feelings or reasons for leaving in any of them and earlier ones contained information that was needed legally, trustandlove reminded me about them...I guess it just became a habit to file them in "folders" ( I like things organized!)

You know the whole concept about pass it on...I think that is what we try to do, share experiences, share knowledge and support one another with the reality "you will not always feel this way". I benefitted so much from those who showed how much they cared about me, I value the friendships I made and the instant recognition when I actually met several members in person .....even still I communicate with others.

I have been reading about what maintains our health and one of the important determinants is community. We need others in our lives. During COVID, the social isolation, lack of touch and activities that were closed really has hurt many people. HS is a community and one we need not be afraid to show our true selves to.

I share you love of gardening and in my head am looking out at the yard thinking about the flowers and gardens I shall have and how to improve things. I am grateful for this space and the neighbourhood I live in which is like living in a park.....I remember when I made the decision to stay here, I thought Colorado might be a good healing place and it has been...nature does that.

People do leave HS but in my experience of talking to others who don't post anymore, they never forget the lessons they learn here and the help that they received.

I am glad that Gracie is well.

Then I took a big fall backwards in my mental wellbeing, almost out of nowhere, so it caught me out a bit.
 

You listed several good reasons for a setback, family health issues, the state of the world, the cold and dark of winter.....in my lifetime, I do not remember ever living through such troubling times...everyday there is something else to "fear"...during my late teens, I was aware of the cold war and that was concerning, but in between then and now, things seemed more settled. Not so now. 

I don't have many people I can discuss my concerns with. Politically, I have to be so careful what I say unless I know that someone shares common beliefs. Living alone, that person who I would talk to throughout the day when the news reported on current events is not here to work through the things that trouble me....so many reasons why at times we fall backwards. It's ok, as long as we can get ourselves back up again.

I too thank you for all the time you take to respond to people on HS.

[MadLuv]

Treasur- quite courageous to burn your journals and I can see that would be freeing. I have a box of “proof” and “calendars of things that were happening” I have found going back to them once in a while when something else surfaces has helped clear my head of unknowns.  I know that those checks have almost ceased, but I think I will keep them and leave them for my kids. Maybe they will be able to answer more questions.

This happened to my Dad and he left me a box after he died and it was eye opening for me and at a mature age to handle it all.  I felt I understood better what happened and it did in fact help me heal from my parents divorce. You have to have a reason to keep or a reason to  get rid of. Everyone that has the courage to share their journey and insight on this page is a blessing to those in the early days. None of forget those desperate months and for some years.

[Dragonfly33]

Dear Treasur

I‘m so sorry that you had those $h!tety moments. It’s nice to hear your updates in your own thread. It gives us hope that we will all be ok like you. Like you I also journaled a lot and the things that I‘d written there were mostly me trying to beg for love from my exh or me being so miserable. In the past I would read them and they just made me so sad and cry, feeling pity for myself. I have been thinking as well of burning them and like you, a part of me didn’t want to because it‘s the only memory I have that’s being documented of what really happened. I recorded everything that happened because at that time my xh was gaslighting me. I wanted to assure myself that what happened was real and not imagined. How crazy is that. I‘m going to burn mine one of these days too when I am ready. Hugs to you Treasur. Thank you for sharing.

[Biscuit]

Treasur,

I know I’m not alone in being very grateful that you, and other long time HS posters return to journal and document your lives, whether it’s concerning H’s W’s XH’s XW’s, just getting in with your lives or even new loved ones.  It’s so reassuring to hear your stories. Each of you has a unique take on what you have been through and still are going through. So thank you and as long as you still write on here you will be appreciated!

[Reinventing]

I recorded everything that happened because at that time my xh was gaslighting me. I wanted to assure myself that what happened was real and not imagined. How crazy is that.

I think that this gaslighting, which happens leading up to BD, BD, and after BD (especially right after BD when we are so very vulnerable), is so damaging. Especially when we are hanging on to every interaction, conversation, as having meaning.

We haven't even had the chance to grasp the situation--OW/OM, their fantasy land minds, financial connivings--to realize how very vulnerable we are.

It's a wonder that we do heal and build our lives from the ashes as well as we do. Kudos to the LBS.

[KayDee]

Very glad you are here Treasur. Here's to a kind of baptism of fire and all those beautiful things that will grow and give you pleasure as you sit in your garden.

[Evermore]

I'm another that is always glad you are still around Treasur.

I saved a post on FB the other day about dealing with chronic grief, because I am one of those people that needs to be reminded of these things over and over. It's all stuff you know but hearing it again and again I have found helpful for getting my little lizard-brain to really BELIEVE it (so thank you for all your reminders!). The post discussed how you speak to yourself about your grief, and I won't bother posting it all here (because it's all basic stuff). But the title was worth posting: Your grief is not being graded. It's a good reminder to me that we all heal/deal at different rates and that we shouldn't have expectations for how long that SHOULD take.

I'm so glad also that your Gracie is doing so well. xx