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Author Topic: My Story Anyone else have a vanisher 23?

nah

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My Story Anyone else have a vanisher 23?
OP: January 13, 2022, 05:28:46 AM
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« Last Edit: January 13, 2022, 05:29:56 AM by nah »
H-55
me-53
ow-31
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

nah

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Anyone else have a vanisher 23?
#1: January 13, 2022, 05:59:52 AM
Nas,
I completely understand what you were talking about n the previous thread.
I was having breakfast at a friend’s diner yesterday (we went to high school together, as did my current husband, so we all have many mutual friends). She was talking about another hs friend, how she was constantly posting on Facebook about her breakup.
I still have the need to defend the betrayed. Several people joined the discussion. Facebook is not the place to air your grievances. I agree with that point. BUT… it doesn’t always “take two”. Sometimes one does not know. Why do so many want to blame the victim? Not much different than pointing out what a rape victim was wearing, or why was she in that place!
I guess with all the time that has passed, I no longer need to vent for myself but I will always defend the betrayed.
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H-55
me-53
ow-31
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

H
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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 23?
#2: January 13, 2022, 06:14:55 AM
My STBXW is definitely a vanisher.  Haven’t been in her physical presence since thanksgiving 2020.  I have seen her at church from a distance or driving down the road as she only lives about 3 miles away.  Don’t understand why she didn’t move farther away.  I used to have my sons invite her over to the house for holidays to “eat cake” with us but stopped doing that once she started her PA with college boy (former HS classmate of S22).  Found out recently that she had 2 secret fantasy obsessions with former HS classmates of S20 prior to the PA.

Don’t know much about what she has been up to the past year.  She has also almost completely vanished from S22 and S20 lives as well.  She dropped off Christmas gifts on the front porch on 1/7 after both boys had left for the holidays.  Just gift bags full of candy and a card.  Been tempted to snoop at the card but haven’t.  Have eaten some of the candy though.

Wonder if she will ever have the courage to speak with me directly again?  I never confronted her with any of the things I know as I didn’t want it to cause any friction in the divorce proceedings.  Sometimes I wonder if I could use what I know to get a more favorable settlement but I don’t want to be that type of person.  Knowing what I know is my burden to bear.  I haven’t told anyone besides my priest and therapist and plan on keeping it this way for now and perhaps forever.

HD
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W53
M55
Together 29 Married 24 (22 @ BD)
S22 S20
BD 9/29/19 (Moved out while I was away for weekend with no prior warning.  I was shocked)
Served D on 10/19/20

nah

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Anyone else have a vanisher 23?
#3: January 13, 2022, 04:21:03 PM
Geez.
No wonder she’s a vanisher. I would hide from my family too if I was banging a child.  :o

HD, I can tell you from experience. That young boy has nothing on you. He’s just feeding her ego. All my “Stella got her groove back” supporters cheered when I boasted that I had a 22 yr old.
The sex was “meh”. It was all about “look how sexy I am, I can get a young one”.
 Big surprise. Men don’t care. They just want sex.

I know you heard this a million times. There is no way in Hell that this relationship will last. No 30 year old guy will want to stay with grandma, she has a serious crash coming in her future.
But luckily your happiness does not depend on her. 
You are now free, do something amazing!
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H-55
me-53
ow-31
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

b
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Anyone else have a vanisher 23?
#4: January 14, 2022, 08:58:33 AM
Nah, I think the old "takes 2" adage stems from a place of comfort and complacency.   Of course, both people add to the relationship, but that doesn't mean the relationship is balanced or equitable.  None of us knows what happens in another's relationship,  and only if or until it happens to us, we don't ever give a thought to or partner completely abandoning us and running  away like a coward.  In these cases, I think the bystanding people try to "protect" themselves from the reality that this same fate could very well befall them, too, so it's easier for them to create the scenario of the broken relationship being caused by the failures of both parties.  The truth is, you may well have all the faith in the world that your spouse is faithful and devoted to keeping the vows he/she pledged,  but you can never really know for certain what lies below the surface.

Sure, I probably did many things over the course of 18 years that rubbed my xh the wrong way, so yes,  I did contribute, but, my xh chose not to address those irritating actions with me.  Instead, he chose to share them with another woman who was all too willing to comfort him and agreeably convince him that I was the devil he'd made me to be.  That is how every single affair starts...with the demonization of the unwitting spouse because the response it gets from the AP further validates the despicable behavior.  So, all that being said, it does take 2 people working together to make a marriage work, but it only takes one to selfishly and cowardly destroy it.  And, while I agree that social media probably isn't the ideal place to air such grievances,  I do understand the temptation of letting it all hang out there for the world to see.  I know I certainly let some things be known on FB around the time of my betrayal.  At that time, the shock and pain were so strong that I needed a voice and outlet,  and FB filled that need.
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