[MadLuv]

Here's where it's amazing..... she isn't mad. She's laughing on the way down, laughing on the ground, laughing as I help her up. Take any moment from the last 10 years and she'd have been furious. I'm in shock. How can this be?

I bet that is something to see them just enjoy a normal moment and find the joy in it vs the negativity.

[Finding Joy]

You are doing so well Standing!  It sounds like you are in a really great place and she has really slowed down!  Praying for you guys!

[Standing Strong]

Hey FJ, ML, and OR 
[April 18th]
Has a month gone by? Almost!! 

I went on vacation (awesome). So good to get away. This time I wasn't really done when the week was over, I could have gone a couple more days (HA!!!), that's a 1st.
W wasn't ready to watch the little dog, so he went and stayed with my folks in the country (and loved it). W for her part actually reached out a couple times, we even talked for a couple hours one night. That's nice. It's always interesting to see her personality flare back to life once in a while.
She has been nice, and considerate....... one night she cracked a few jokes and made me laugh...... and then her humor went *POOF*  haven't seen it since.  [sigh]

My pinball machine arrived.... woohooo!!! It went a day and then broke  Well, that was part of the deal: learning how to fix them..... I just didn't expect to be fixing so soon.
The day after it showed up, W left on her next trip to visit her mom in South America. It's been four months, I guess she's overdue. As usual, little contact once she gets there (and that's ok).
She's renewed her lease on the apartment..... hahahahahahahahah. I figure that action will also bring some sort of renewed desire to use it. We'll see.
In just over a week will be the four year anniversary of BD. It's hard to believe that much time has passed by. Plenty of rough time, and plenty of rough time before BD...... but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I can stand on my own two feet just fine, more than that...... I can do it with ease.... and I'm not attached, dependent, or intertwined with anyone now. In some ways it is profoundly sad, and in some ways incredibly wonderful.

I just bought a Peloton and am on the hunt for 6-pack by end of summer.... LOL!!!! The hunt never ends!!! At the beginning, I'd have done it for her..... now it's all for me. HA!!!! 

So where is W now? The improvement is dramatic. She is still standing off, and so am I. There's isn't any A's going on, at least I can't sense it. Close enough.... I knew during all that time the 1st couple years, and now is different. I think she hit bottom a year ago (maybe a little longer) and has been crawling away from the impact zone. Doesn't mean she's been crawling toward me, just away from her wreckage. It seems as if she is getting to know who she is, and has made progress there. Her values are reforming and getting stronger. I think she looks at me and can't decide (at least not now), only that I'm safe, and useful. I think that the time for running away because of MLC has passed: that's not going to happen..... but what comes next is actually what I really feared at the beginning (oh I journaled that so much back at the beginning.... ha!!)..... and my fear was to get thru everything and then to not be chosen. I'm not afraid of that anymore, but I do remember it. Of course I have choosing to do also. She is different, and I'm (sorta) different, and life has drastically changed. Part of me wouldn't be surprised if she got a ways further and said "nope, not what I want". Of course that would hurt like crazy, but I'm at a spot where... that's ok. I'll hurt, I'll heal, and life will go on. Life isn't fair, but I also don't want someone to hang around unless they're thrilled to be there. So, once she's healed some more, it will be interesting to see what the new, healed and "real" her actually wants. Whatever it turns out to be, it won't be done in anger, confusion, or limerence..... just honesty and truth. Can't ask for more than that.

Oh.... and I'm so glad tax day is over...... 

One day at a time,

-SS

P.S. @ Offroad: No, no, no..... not a matter of separate disappearing into a "we" again.... I don't think the pieces can fit together like that anymore. Don't see how that could even be possible. No... I just miss the company of having a someone, it is quite a special thing, but I am totally fine by myself. 

[April 27th]
Oh wow, today is my fourth anniversary of BD. How time flies.
W is off in South America, and so I'm here to enjoy the occasion alone.      
Hmmmmm, what do I feel? Not much, it's just another day..... but it's a good day...... it's my day (like every day now).
I look back on the last four years and if I had told myself in those first weeks and months that it'd be this long, I'd have despaired probably more than I could handle..... which is why it's always "one day at a time", but at this point..... phhhhh...... a good life is assured, no matter what. I'm long past having any reliance on anyone else.... it's just me. What a charmed existence.

W is vibrating in her MLC. It's very interesting to observe.... observe but not watching. For whatever reason, I've been on the decline of anticipating her exit from the tunnel. Not a loss of hope, I've just become so completely self-reliant it doesn't really matter..... and that's ok.
W in some ways is opening up: she's actually texting while on the road. It comes and goes. Right now she's stuck/processing our early marriage. It's very interesting. She has been talking for months about what we did while still dating, how she wants to talk all night "about everything and nothing". Sounds good to me, I'm game..... the other night she texted at midnight and said she couldn't sleep and brought up talking again..... so I started talking (texting) without missing a beat...... she fell asleep almost instantly *POOF*.  I'm so glad to not be on the MLC'er side of this mess. I only hope she heals and is a complete and whole person.

Our 25th anniversary is in five weeks. I still have some trepidation about it. Always thought it would be a big thing, and now it won't. Silver anniversary. I would suspect (if she doesn't run away) and she will try to connect, but I suspect that I won't have any of that. HA!!! Is that horrible? I'm fine with dinner and such, but keep your distance lady.... we are not close like we once were. I need to see a LOT over a lot of time before I give another chance.
I've noticed this as a very weird development..... as I have zoomed ahead, and I can see (really see) who this person is, it is more difficult because of the mismatch. I know this is normal. I mean all thru the marriage there was so much I thought this person had: smarts, talent, beauty, kindness (potentially and sometimes), virtue...... and so much of it has been smashed and wrecked. Yeah you get to see someone as the are without any glamor's..... I guess that's who they were the whole time, just hidden away and a façade to fool everyone (even themselves). It is a difficulty I wasn't expecting. The great thing is learning your own value, growing and understanding who you are...... it can create it's own divide. Also unexpected.
I suspect the MLC'er comes to know and understand the value the LBS has, and it would make sense why those that "return" are thankful. It will take a lot of love to see thru the wreck and pick out the good parts which remain and (hopefully) get stronger following the process. I can also see why the revealed person the MLC'er actually is/becomes would find a failed return to be potentially the largest rejection of their life.... no wonder so many don't try.

That in itself is curious..... it seems to me she wants to (somewhat) close the distance.... and in some ways I find myself wanting to increase the distance. I wonder if that's the real reason she keeps the unused apartment: the escape path if she deems it impossible to reconnect. She had so much occur that is contrary to her (previous) values. She may be able to justify (or whatever) to herself but at the end of the day, to return to me, she will have to explain things which aren't explainable.... and injure someone she continues to claim she doesn't want to hurt. So how is that reconciled? It will be interesting to see. That day is coming. 

In other news, I got the exercise bike!!! Wooohoooo!!! I'm addicted. No more going to the gym for spin class, I just do it here..... MORE workouts for me!! Back to the diet, back to biking....... six-pack I've got your number, you're on my time now. Come late summer, I will have that bucket list item checked off  At the very latest, by the time I hit Orlando this year for Halloween. I can't wait!!

So today: a big day, a non-eventful day, and just another day. BD anniversary has no bite, no sadness, not even to much thought about it..... but it is interesting how it's a day I will remember forever, and is burned into my head...... but it's one my MLC'er will never remember, never mark, and be completely oblivious of. That something so monumental to one can be nothing to the other. Fascinating.

One day at a time,

-SS   

[xyzcf]

Your post made me think about a phrase that could be used to describe MLC:

"Slow as molasses going uphill on a cold winter's day". 

but it is interesting how it's a day I will remember forever, and is burned into my head.

Somehow I no longer remember the actual date, but I am very aware of approximately when this all went down. Memories, like when man first walked on the moon, or when I graduated from college, our wedding day., the birth of my daughter...our brains store these forever....and sometimes are pushed to the front. The good memories are comforting and warm, the bad ones, not so much...but they all make up the story of our lives...the good, the bad and the ugly.

You have found your life and are fine with or without her. You have found what I call "JOY"...it was something that I couldn't feel and was the main thing I asked my therapist to help me with..it is a healing balm.

" Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning"  Psalm 30:5

This is morning Standing!

I remember meeting Heartsblessing for lunch a very long time ago when I was hurting so badly. When she left, she put her hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eye and said "xyzcf, you will be fine"....I was hoping that she would have said...yes of course he is going to come back and wasn't as fond of her saying "you will be fine".....but indeed, what better to work for then being "fine" and finding our feet again, moving forward in our lives.
So many things we accomplish while they are off having their crisis. I have been a volunteer with an organization that works with children in the court system for 11 years. Yesterday I attended our annual fund raiser and there is always a speaker whose talk moves us to tears (and hopefully gets people to write larger checks!).

His main message was that his volunteer saved his life. He wasn't being melodramatic, his story was horrific...and each one of us who volunteer or supply donations have done this...one person can make a difference. So what I am trying to say, is yes, there IS life after MLC and you reminded me this morning of how rich and beautiful my life is.

Thank you so very much for sharing your observations about your wife and for showing your agape love for her and for yourself. Keep enjoying your trips, your pinball machine, the little dog (oh how I miss my girl!!!) your fitness plan...welcoming each day as it comes, knowing that we have no control over them and their crisis and being at peace.

[Standing Strong]

Thanks XYZ 

She called today.... it was one of those MLC frantic things..... she calls "did you get my text?" (I'm at work.... busy.... no). I take a look.... she texted two min prior.

She's inviting me for a weekend away once she gets back..... she wants us to go to a hot springs (we've done that a couple times in the past). Sure sounds good (and in the back of my mind I'm thinking..... wait a min..... 25th anniversary..... reaching out.... hmmmmm).....
I can't check places while at work.... so she does while on the phone.... "the 1st available is on such-and-such date" (which happens to be our anniversary). Riiiggghhhhtttttt.......
Yup, sure, sounds good.....

Then with the prospect of booking, she panics....... "um.... maybe we should take our niece and nephews....... or maybe my sister and her husband should come?". 
HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Isn't it the funniest thing?

Whatever the plan, that's fine. In the end, she didn't book it right then, just mentioning that it'll be hard to get a reservation (um, it was right there... available). I'm not worried about it. Something popped into her head, she had to clear it to be "the good guy" and now I'll see if it sticks or goes *POOF*.

Not that this hasn't happened before.... but each time it's such a hoot.

One day at a time,

-SS

[MadLuv]

That apartment!!!  It is like the get away place she never gets away to. So odd to me. When I got my H one for 10 mths he used it to clear his head. The little vaca sounds good. Hot springs arkansas? How funny she suggests it and then gets nervous and then wants to add people. To me sounds like something she really wants to do, but then trying to relieve some pressure on her self with the add on guests. If give any time in their heads everything is questioned. She is a funny one. Making progress and swirling at the same time. If it all pans out and you go I will be waiting for that journal   My sister often tells me when she calls that my story with my XH is a book she can’t put down. Always waiting for the next chapter. I see your story similar. The book you can’t put down 📕 😂🤣😂

[Standing Strong]

Hi ML 

Yes the apartment, HA!!! It gets even better......

Journaling:
Another week plus change goes by.....
Yesterday W wanted to go to lunch, and lunches always bring something she wants..... so off we go, and it was a great lunch.
She did want something, actually she wanted multiple somethings....

She had bought a TV and some furniture for the apartment, needed help to mount the TV on the wall. Yup, no problem. So we do that, pick up the TV and take it over there.
The big announcement was: she's buying a condo in South America close to her mom's. This was veiled as "what do you think?", but her mind was already set on it...... and if she wants to do that - then do it. After talking with her it is VERY obvious her mind is fixed on the future and ensuring she has a secure future. The apartment (at least for awhile) is to have income from rent. Not a bad idea. She wants assets to ensure she can live without having her career, and she wants a change. All good, all understandable, and opens up a path to escape later, a place to retire to (if needed), and whatever else she's thinking/feeling and not saying. It's not in my name, it's her decision, so I said "sounds like a good idea", and as a purely investment idea it is a good one.
Apartment and now Super Apartment. 

Anyway, doesn't bother me. Her need to secure her future is both natural and smart. I don't take offense, and I'm not concerned. She's going to do whatever she's going to do, and none of that impacts me. I hope she gets some peace and satisfaction from being a landlord, homeowner, or whatever. It is responsibility, and to see responsibility of some sort is a change in the right direction. I also like her building new anchors for herself. Of course that speaks to independence, and at this age it is completely normal and natural for a woman. If she does this couple times (as I could see her doing if the 1st one is successful) then she would become self sufficient without her current job - and I think that's what she really wants: to live simply without demands.   

I ran into my MLC'er friend at work last week...... wow...... big changes. She was dressed in this conservative, older woman dress that started at her neck and covered all the way down to her ankles. She has also gotten much heavier. Now you may read this and recoil in it not being a fair observation...... well it's the contrast - and so striking. Just a few years ago (beginning of her MLC 2.0) she had the tops of thong underwear showing ( ) low cut everything, very obvious "enhancement" surgeries, and just generally trying to be as flashy, young and attention getting as she could. Now she looks much older than she actually is and seems to be trying to prevent any attention. So interesting to see. She is an extremely attractive women, so to see her almost frumpy...... I haven't known her to be like that in 20 years.
Very interesting to me. Men are visual creatures, and woman communicate visually. What a different message she is broadcasting, and I wonder what is going on inside (beyond "leave me alone").  She is my friend, and I hope her life and internal difficulties are improving. I can tell she doesn't want to talk, so I leave her be. She will approach if she wants to.

I also ran into the MLC'er at the gym. She is also making progress in her journey. Gone are the sunglasses and miniskirt for spin class, and she is wearing normal workout pants, and doesn't have those crazy MLC eyes. While I don't know her, I'm very happy to see she is progressing. It's hard enough for these MLC'ers to get thru their trials, and you never know what kind of support (if any) that they have.

I'm doing great. Incredible actually. Got my eval at work, and it was glowing. My unit is the best in the country among it's peers, and my bosses really understand it (I manage a technical team). This gives me great pride for my team, and for me. It is a very special time in life, something that only happens once if you are really lucky. I'm trying to hold on to the moment and make it last as long as possible, not let it pass by unmarked..... and help others not take it for granted either (and they aren't - but they need me to help them recognize it, and appreciate it).

In other news, my mom has cancer and will be having radiation very soon to try and nuke a tumor which was discovered behind her eye.
She is terrified. At a minimum, she will have impaired (or completely lose) vision in that eye. The doctors are very concerned about it spreading thru her body and killing her. I'm in shock, and haven't processed this new information. I won't share this information with W as she is too fragile to handle such a thing (even if she thinks she could). I'm forced to look at the mortality of my parents (which I already had in my mind) but to see it in practical terms is different. I'm not prepared to lose them, but who is? Still too early, but something new to chew on. I don't think my dad will last long without mom. They just had their 49th anniversary a week ago. His health is in rather steep decline the last couple years: just a shadow of his formerly powerful self. Very sad and troubling to see (but something that happens). My mom's joy is to read, so to know she will be impaired in a way which will drastically change her life is awful. As long as I have known her, she's been a reader. Growing up, my life was packed with libraries and bookstores. Every week we'd be at one or the other. I can attribute my love of learning and reading to her. I will be present in her life, even more than I am now, and beyond that there's nothing else which can be done. Time is precious.

One day at a time,

-SS 

[JohnnyBravo]

Wow, SS.... So sorry to hear about your mom's diagnosis. (I know you've got the MLC stuff covered, but this is a biggie.)

You and your folks will be in my thoughts.

JB

[Standing Strong]

Hey JB 
I hope you're doing good 

Journaling:
Another week.... *POOF* 
Time is going so fast, Monday starts and then it's Friday again, at least that's what it seems like.

W has ran into the reality of "how do I sell this book?", she has no idea. The fantasy of what it means to have a book is sinking in. She assumed it meant instant success and the ability to quit her job. It's just like  really? There's tons of starving authors out there, why would you be any different?
So I asked questions, and watched her squirm. She started going into the black hole of "another failure, nothing works" and all that. At least she admitted that she doesn't what what she's doing (that's an improvement).
So I gave her some time and then she was trying a horrible way that assured failure. I offered my advise (if she wanted it), and she jumped at the chance ("that's what I was asking"....... [what, without directly asking?] ). So I helped her, and she became frustrated instantly "this is a lot of work"...... well yeah, everything done right is. 
At this stage, I got to see how frantic she still is. At least she's open with me, but at the same time it's a letdown. There must still be a lot of pain and wreckage in there. So impatient, so impulsive, so hurried...... and (to me) so emotional. She has all this energy, just blowing thru it without a clue of what to do or the willpower to steer it into something really productive. Well, she's trying as best she's able (at least that's what I'm telling myself).

Today she intends for us to play a board game at her apartment. That'll be nice. I have to admit, the apartment has no attraction to me, but to her it is something else. I'm not sure what this is...... I'll assume a quiet place, and a hiding place. She keeps talking about us running away to it, and doing things there. I don't like being there. It is a reminder of the chaos of the last four years, of which she seems completely oblivious...... she continues to evolve (which is interesting). For instance: For a period of time she was talking all about us working on us (talking, doing things, etc.). Now that has passed and it's almost like she doesn't have any real memory of the last four years. She's completely back to her previous behavior like nothing has happened..... this is very alarming to me. I'm going to assume it is a holding place while she cooks in whatever issues she is in now...... but I didn't like the pre-MLC years..... they were very, very bad to me. I will not be there again, or stay there again....... that was a terrible place. So I will continue moving forward, on my own. She keeps trying to get my attention. Why? Why now? Why try and pull me back into that place from before? Is she stuck there? Maybe if I am mostly not present in her recreation of that time it will help move her past there.

Well, enough about her. HA!!
I'm working out like CRAZY, and I love it!! Got an award at work (work is going sooooo good). It's so nice to be firing on a cylinders everywhere..... you know, everywhere that you control. That makes me feel great, and I try to focus on all the success...... but I have to admit, that I wish my W could feel good things for herself. The contrast between us is a little heartbreaking to me. I don't think she has any "wins" in her life at the moment, and hasn't in a really long time. You know how you only want good things for your spouse? Good things no matter what? Yeah, she has none..... and I have many. I wish she had some.... I guess (And hope) that it will happen in time. I have some reservation, some guilt or misgiving...... that I shine much brighter without her (I do). How does that make her feel, and how does that turn around? I already know she competes with me (very unhealthy) and she believes that everything I do succeeds and everything she does fails. As the LBS, when does this "Switch" around? I want only good things for her, and I think I remind her of her own failures. Certainly she is reminded regularly of what she has done on some level. How is this overcome?.... time will tell. 

The little hound is super happy it is spring. He is always asking for another walk, and mostly he gets what he wants. I wish there was more time in a day so he would get more, I'd also like some help with taking care of him..... but my requests are met with "too busy" or "I have something else which is more important". Yeah, MLC continues. Too bad for the little boy, but at least he has his daddy.... and his daddy loves him very much.

Com'on end of year..... I'm ready for a vacation 

Oh, and the 25th anniversary seems to have sorta resolved itself....... not a single word from W about us getting away since that phone call (no surprise) and our niece's graduation party is on that day...... so *POOF*, we're going to that. No pressure, no expectations, lots of people, and a huge distraction. Perfect (for her), and I'm relieved too. However, I'm sure that when the day comes, there will be a comment about what day it is, and somehow it will be a disappointment thrown in my direction. We'll see.

One day at a time,

-SS

[UrsaMajor]

I'm working out like CRAZY, and I love it!! Got an award at work (work is going sooooo good). It's so nice to be firing on a cylinders everywhere..... you know, everywhere that you control. That makes me feel great, and I try to focus on all the success...... but I have to admit, that I wish my W could feel good things for herself. The contrast between us is a little heartbreaking to me. I don't think she has any "wins" in her life at the moment, and hasn't in a really long time. You know how you only want good things for your spouse? Good things no matter what? Yeah, she has none..... and I have many. I wish she had some.... I guess (And hope) that it will happen in time. I have some reservation, some guilt or misgiving...... that I shine much brighter without her (I do). How does that make her feel, and how does that turn around? I already know she competes with me (very unhealthy) and she believes that everything I do succeeds and everything she does fails. As the LBS, when does this "Switch" around? I want only good things for her, and I think I remind her of her own failures. Certainly she is reminded regularly of what she has done on some level. How is this overcome?.... time will tell. 
<...snip...>

Oh, and the 25th anniversary seems to have sorta resolved itself....... not a single word from W about us getting away since that phone call (no surprise) and our niece's graduation party is on that day...... so *POOF*, we're going to that. No pressure, no expectations, lots of people, and a huge distraction. Perfect (for her), and I'm relieved too. However, I'm sure that when the day comes, there will be a comment about what day it is, and somehow it will be a disappointment thrown in my direction. We'll see.

To answer point 1 (in bold above - She has to do the work to make it happen, to redirect her thought processes from the "I am a failure at everything and SS succeeds" mentality. This is (like her book idea) hard work and the problem is that most MLC'ers are not willing to actually DO that much work. They want a solution to be spoon-fed to them or handed to them on a silver platter. Problem there is that real life don't work that way.... and there is NOTHING you can do to help her or guide her along that path. Likewise, dimming your own light so that she does not feel overshadowed is not a solution either, at least not for you to remain healthy.

Regarding the board game at her apartment thing - If you don't want to go there and don't like it, make her a counter-offer. It doesn't have to be an (a) or (b) issue. Present her with an option C. If she asks why, be honest with her - that the apartment has negative connotations for you due to the associations. Otherwise, all you are really doing is walking on eggshells and appeasing which, in the long run, won't be a success story in the end.

Finally, the anniversary issue - if she throws shade at you for not doing anything, simply remind her that you had both discussed it, she was going to take the lead and then the other party came up. You chose not to pressure her. If, on the other hand, you were simply expecting her to DO something without having explicitly communicating that and she was implicitly expecting the same from you, well then, no communication equals no result....