[forthetrees]

When those hurtful comments start bouncing around in your mind, try repeating the phrase, "Consider the source." until you have convinced yourself that ow and stbx´s comments are not worthy of holding weight against you.

[Treasur]

I am so sick of his rejection bothering me to the extent that it does. 

I'm going to start EMDR in a couple weeks and am hoping that it helps add another layer of relief to the normal talk therapy and meds that I am on.  I long to feel healthy and happy and like I am back to myself and not always wading through the muck and mud to get anywhere.

It might not feel like it but imho that longing is actually a very positive thing. It is what creates our own shifts in mindset and behaviour.....a deep kind of ‘no more’ feeling that can give us the courage we need to explore an unknown what next. I recall being absolutely terrified on my way to my first EMDR session, to the point of throwing up at the side of the road.....but I also knew that I could not and did not want to stay where i was at that time either. I was sort of desperate in a useful way if that makes sense lol. I would have tried standing on my head and whistling show tunes if someone had said it would get me unstuck from where I was 

I’m not a parent, so my advice comes with a million caveats but I hope others will swing by with their experience, MoS. I think you might have to put down the idea of ‘co-parentng’ and replace it with ‘parallel parenting’. At least for a while. And it might be worth you musing on how you see the difference between those things practically speaking. Why? Bc it’s pretty difficult to co-anything with people who behave like entitled angry f**kwits. Bc it isn’t necessary or healthy to expose oneself to abuse in order to co-anything. So, as an example, at thebpoint in the phone call when your h got to calling you a leech (which has nothing at all to do with the matter at hand of course), you end the call. You simply refuse to talk if he is going to be abusive, insulting or anything but calm and factual. You don’t ask, you just say no and put the phone down. He is entitled to his opinion but you are not obliged to listen to it. And he is an adult who is perfectly capable of controlling his behaviour. Or not. But that’s his responsibility, not yours. If he wants to communicate with you directly about your kids - and ONLY about your kids - then he needs to do so calmly and civilly. Imho part of healing, a really important part, is teaching ourselves to say No to things that harm us. And it’s ok to do that....don’t let his manipulation or yourbown fear tell you otherwise. There are plenty of people who manage the logistics of parallel parenting without much direct communication....there are even apps designed for it!

But it often requires getting a bit tough and honest with oneself about why you are doing what you are currently doing. It is not uncommon for we LBS for a while to keep communication doors open in the hope of something. And parallel parenting works both ways too, of course, so you are forced to accept that (unless they are at demonstrable risk) what happens when your kids are with him (and ow) is not in your control and not your job to be involved in. Well, other than saying some version of ‘cool, bummer, wow’ when they get home. So, if they get punished for something you woukdn’t Punish them for or get to eat ice cream for breakfast, not your business....you are only in charge of what happens in your home and on your watch. And I imagine that in itself would be quite hard to swallow as a parent. But imho we suffer most when we are fighting a reality we can’t control.....your h, for whatever reason, is behaving like an abusive a$$hat towards you under the guise of co-parenting as permission to do so. So, one way to take your ball away is to stop trying to do co-parenting. I’m not sure what stage you are at in any legal process with regard to custody/visitation terms etc, but you might find it useful to talk to your own lawyer about how to set things up in a way that looks more like parallel parenting and minimises direct contact. Be honest with them about your h’s verbal abuse....I can guarantee you that it will not be the first time your lawyer has seen this.

I found EMDR life-changing. It took a little while, it wasn’t an overnight fix more like a washing machine churn, but I still remember the feeling of my head breaking water if that makes sense. I hope that it gives you the same. And if/when it does, you will find that a whole bunch of things become different and easier to manage..

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Let's look at this statement first.

It was fine until I got a phone call wanting me to punish my son, who wasn't with me when he got home for being disrespectful and not doing as he was told.

No, you can't be held accountable for your child's actions when he is with his father. He fired you and decided someone else could do the job better, In fact, he has told you on several occasions that thing one is better than you as a parent. If they are so good, why are they even bothering you.

I was called back and told how I am a leech and that's all I will ever be, that I wouldn't have had a career even if I hadn't quit my training because the real me was just lazy and my only goal in life was to live off of him.

He's opinions and thoughts about you are no longer acceptable. The moment the phone call turns negative, simply state, "I am sorry that you feel that way, but I am not going to listen to it. Have a great day." Hang up. Don't listen, don't argue, and don't engage. His views of you are no longer valid. This is part of you reclaiming your power and your esteem. What you need to validate is that he can't handle the kids on a getaway for the weekend? And he has her as support and you are on your own. Yes, I am repeating what Treasur wrote, but it's worth repeating.

Co-parenting  or and I really like parallel parenting (shout out to Treasur, again.) requires the discussion to be a focus on supporting the children not using you as his emotional punching bag.

Keep believing in your value and worth and disregard him because he doesn't understand the word commitment and what it entails.

Best to you and your children,

(((Ready)))

[MomOfSteel]

For the trees, Treasur, and ready, thank you for your responses.  Considering the source is needed.  For whatever reason he hates me now and he isn’t the type of person I should care if I please or not.  He is undeserving of my kindness or love or anything else. 

Parallel parenting is probably a better goal at this point.  I’m so sick of being ripped apart.  He seems to come unhinged really easily these days.  Anger towards me is never far from the surface.  Considering he’s getting what he wants, I don’t think he should get to be angry. 

In the last few weeks, he has decided to completely turn his back on his family and officially cut them out of his life as well.  Apparently their disapproval and continued support for me are unacceptable to him.  I really don’t understand this compulsion to essentially isolate from everyone but his OW.  It’s going to be lonely at some point. 

In the last month, I signed the divorce papers.  Even though I don’t even like him at this point, I am still so incredibly sad.  Those feelings of not being enough and mourning the life I thought I would have are hard.  Hopefully with the final nail in the coffin the grief can end at some point. 

[MadLuv]

MOS- the kids and co-parenting when you can’t have a reasonable discussion has to be unbelievably difficult. Sounds like your stbxh is still not being accountable for the fallout of his decisions.  Unfortunately the divorce does nothing to speed up the healing ( IMHO) Time and facing your own pain and frustrations is still the only thing that heals. Having adult kids and going through all this is very difficult, but having kids that you absolutely must coparent with has to be so much harder. My only advise would be to tell him when he wants to talk calmly you will do your best to co-parent with him but you won’t tolerate being disrespected.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Considering he’s getting what he wants, I don’t think he should get to be angry.

Correction, he is getting what he "thinks" he wants and is still not happy. Then he gets angry. He is empty and trying to find the one thing that will get him back on track.  Nothing is working. Also, for some strange and bizarre reason, you and the kids aren't getting along with the program that his happiness comes above all else.

Sounds like your stbxh is still not being accountable for the fallout of his decisions.

No ,he is not. accountability and MLC are like oil and water, they just don't mix. So, instead of trying to "work" with him, you take care of the kids when you have them and he takes care of the kids when he has them. No calls about behavior or how you can work together. Only deal with time, events, and logistics around the children. That's it. No more verbal abuse from him at all. He is using you as an emotional outlet and that is not fair or helpful to you at all. He wants to vent, let OW get an earful instead.

he has decided to completely turn his back on his family and officially cut them out of his life as well.  Apparently their disapproval and continued support for me are unacceptable to him.

Another choice and another set of consequences that he made. You can't take or assume any responsibility for his choices. Part of your feelings and sadness is that you are still trying to fix things as if his crisis has something to do with you. All of this is within him and you, your marriage, and your children are collateral damage. True detachment is the acceptance of this and don't feel bad, it took me a long time to realize this and accept it myself.

Those feelings of not being enough and mourning the life I thought I would have are hard.

Mourn the loss of the life you had, but stop the feelings of not being enough. be good to yourself and build your new life with your kids. Be strong and forged from steel. You can do this.

(((Ready)))

[Dragonfly33]

Mourn the loss of the life you had, but stop the feelings of not being enough. be good to yourself and build your new life with your kids. Be strong and forged from steel. You can do this.

This is touché, however, I am struggling a lot in convincing myself that this has nothing to do with whether I am enough or not. Up to this day, I still question myself what was missing in me or if I did something wrong in the way I behaved during our marriage to cause him to cheat and check out from our marriage.  I think this is the hardest part in moving on.

[UrsaMajor]

Mourn the loss of the life you had, but stop the feelings of not being enough. be good to yourself and build your new life with your kids. Be strong and forged from steel. You can do this.

This is touché, however, I am struggling a lot in convincing myself that this has nothing to do with whether I am enough or not. Up to this day, I still question myself what was missing in me or if I did something wrong in the way I behaved during our marriage to cause him to cheat and check out from our marriage.  I think this is the hardest part in moving on.

Dragonfly, did you hold a gun to his head and tell him that he HAD to go do the mattress mambo with OW? Probably not. Did you know he hated liver and onions but still cooked liver and onions EVERY SINGLE DAY for the entire time you were married? Again, probably not. Did you put itching powder in his running undies? Did you wash his tighty-whities with your new red bathrobe so everything was pink in the end and then force him to wear the stuff to the gym anyway?

xH would have gone off the rails regardless of who he was married to, whether it was you, OW, Claudia Schiffer, or anyone else in the world.

His crisis (and this is the same for MoS as well) is 100% HIS responsibility. He CHOSE to cheat. He CHOSE to check out of the marriage. He CHOSE to hook up with the AD....

NONE of this has diddly-squat to do with you. You could have turned yourself into a pretzel-shaped door mat for him and he would STILL have made the same choices at some point... Why? Because they are empty inside and they desperately search for anyone and anything to fill that void (because they have never learned how to do it themselves). For a while, we (the LBS) were able to keep that bucket filled but as the bucket grew older, more and more leaks started rusting into it and more and more holes started appearing. It is NOT humanly possible for a human to fulfill all the needs of another. It is simply neither possible nor is it healthy because that means that you then neglect your own needs. We each have to assume responsibility for our own happiness and that is something that the mid-lifer is incapable of doing (goes back to that accountability thing Ready talked about except he put it nicely in terms of oil and water. I see it more like Holy Water and Satan) - they NEED to be the victim, the poor put-upon abused whatever they are in order to put the blame on someone else - their spouse, their family, their job, the dog, the house, the car, the place they live, whatever... ANYTHING to keep from looking in the mirror and accepting that the person looking back at them is responsible for their choices, their actions, their lives and their happiness, no one else....

[MadLuv]

I so agree. That was the hardest thing for me to get through my mind boggled head. Although I wasn’t perfect, either was he. Adults communicate and even if I made mistakes or annoyed him or whatever…..he did not say that!!!!  The are emotionally immature humans and that have to grow up the hard way or never. Still on them

[MomOfSteel]

Wow, I can't believe it's already been a month since I journaled (complained) about my life.  I hope some day I won't require the reminder that this wasn't my fault (thank you Ursa, and Ready) The co-parenting/parallel parenting is truly miserable.  He will likely never accept accountability for his actions and I really do need to find a way to just accept that somehow I will always be blamed and move on and not let it bother me any more.  Alas, I am a painfully slow learner apparently. 

I had to drop my kids off at his place earlier.  As I was dropping them off, he and his ow were pulling into the driveway from work.  (which apparently is my fault because I was there right on time). It's the first time I've actually seen her in person.  She's pretty and skinny.  It really triggered me and set me off in a major way seeing them together, knowing my kids will be left alone with her while he works this weekend, seeing him with what he wants.  Sigh.  I drove off as quickly as I could after my kids hopped out of the car.  He called me a minute later to tell me I forgot my son's sports equipment.  I told him I would just drop it off at his practice location and meet my son there in the morning as I didn't want to come back to the house because I didn't want to see his ow.  He then proceeded to tell me how I should just get over it as it's been a year and a half.  He condescendingly explained to me it's called shared parenting and I should share the responsibility of driving the kids.  Having just been majorly triggered, I told him I was sick of him trying to shove her down everyone's throats and expecting everyone to just accept her into their lives.  I tried to explain how traumatic dropping the kids off feels for me which of course he doesn't care and doesn't think is valid (I'm stupid for trying to reason with him).  I reminded him that I take the kids everywhere all the time.  As you can imagine the conversation just devolved further.  He told me it sounds like I have personal issues I need to work out because I am still traumatized by what he did.  At that point I just hung up.  He then sent some snarky text, there is so much gaslighting and taking what I say out of context and twisting to avoid even the simple acknowledgement of the pain he's caused.  If I try to call him on it, it just reinforces to him that I'm crazy.  I want to feel seen and heard and understood.  I would have better success with a pile of rocks than him.  I'm so frustrated with myself for not holding it in, for reacting and saying how I feel.  It never mattered to him before, I was always told how I was wrong or why my feeling were wrong.  Why I would ever expect a different result I don't know. 

I still feel like I am flapping in the breeze and don't know what the point of my life is.  My identity was ripped away when our family fell apart because it was so enmeshed in him, his career, him, him, him.  Even after all these months, I still don't feel much of a direction to head.  It feels hollow and pointless most days and I'm lost as to how I figure out a new passion for my life.  There are so many options, but nothing feels right to me.  I feel like a hamster on a wheel running and getting no where.  Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself, but I want something that feeds me and gives me a purpose other than my kids.  Returning to my degree field doesn't feel right as it would mean working full-time and with four small kids, I just don't think I could even manage it.  I need more flexibility.  I simply don't know what to do.  I've looked into multiple different options but feel stuck in limbo.  I guess I now know how high schoolers feel who don't know what they want to be when they grow up.  As someone who has always felt like they had a directions, it feels really unsettling to me. 

My kids have had a break from school and since we were fresh off of recovering from COVID followed by some other respiratory illness, we just stayed home instead of traveling.  Our week has been filled with crafts and gardening (well, weeding to try to get a garden in shortly) time with friends and just silly things around our house.  Not everyone wants to participate which frustrates me sometimes but I guess that is just kids getting older.  One night after dinner when we would usually be getting ready for bed on a school night we walked to a nearby park.  It was one of those times where you just look at your kids and there is a snapshot of a perfect moment in time.  They were happily interacting with one another, smiling, and looking back and running up the grassy hill to the playground.  It was just the pure joy of childhood in that moment.  Sometimes those moments feel like they are few and far between, the kids are fighting, we are too busy to make time for those simple things, or I am just too busy to really take the time to see what is going on right in front of my face.  It's moments like those I feel incredibly grateful but also sad for the loss of what was.  I feel pity both for my stbx and myself that we both now miss out on moments that would have been shared had this MLC not happened.  I wish I could have somehow frozen that moment, when they were just happy and having fun.  They are growing so quickly and I feel like I don't have that long with them.  The oldest will be graduating in 4 years.  He will then do, who knows what.  I worry about him and his future.  With this divorce, he has lost all sense of pride in himself, his work ethic, his future.  He no longer aspires to attend college and doesn't really have a plan past "being rich".  I see the pain, hurt and anger that is often seething beneath the surface for all of my kids.  While it often means they act out and make things really hard, I also just feel so bad that they have such a heavy load to try and carry that they don't know how to deal with.