Thank you all for joining my thread. It's been nearly 2 weeks now since my divorce so I thought I would come and journal the events of the buildup, the day and the aftermath..
The build up to D-Day was awful. I don't think I realized how much it was affecting me until I got to the other side. My friends and family were all trying to be supportive but their questions and desire to talk about what was happening was making me feel worse. It was all well intentioned but not what I needed at that particular point. I felt I wanted to isolate myself with my thoughts and feelings.. Nobody in work knew what was going on. I started this job 2 and a half years ago, I worked remotely from day 1 and while I get on really well with everyone, I have not shared anything about the painful end of my marriage. I work mainly with men so they don't ask many questions
But I'd say people sensed I was not really myself, my job is stressful and I can normally deal with it but I was finding everything too overwhelming and I think it showed.
The hardest part was probably B. His marriage ended in a very different way, he has never fully understood how the end of my marriage affected me. I was coming back from IC sessions with my eyes red from crying and he couldn't understand why I was so upset. I think that really triggered his own insecurities, he felt our relationship was threatened so the couple of weeks leading up to D-Day were extremely hard to say the least. I got to a point where I couldn't deal with his emotions on top of my mine so I apologized, I told him I knew he was upset but I needed to look after my own emotions and feelings. We spent a few days in the same house but apart, sleeping in separate rooms. I really didn't know if our relationship was going to survive this test but at that particular time, I could only focus in not falling apart and getting to Dec 7th strong.
My IC explained that all I was feeling was normal. No matter how much I had moved on with my life and how much my head knew that the divorce was necessary, I was re-living the pain of the end of the marriage. It wasn't what I wanted, it was forced on me, I had no voice, my opinion or feelings didn't matter and here I was, facing the divorce that it was not part of life plan.
On the day, I had a lot of offers from people to drive me, go with me, meet me after, etc which was very nice but I didn't want. I went by myself, I find it hard to cope with other people's emotions and opinions when my emotions are running high. I was afraid I could run into the ex in-laws or OWife but I still preferred to deal with that alone and in my own terms. I got to the courthouse and my lawyer brought me into a meeting room. I saw in the sign-in sheet that exH was already there. I was overall calm but apprehensive. After about half an hour we got called in, as I was approaching the room we were due in, from the corner of my eye I saw him sitting down. I thought of Dragonfly at that moment and decided not to look at him. Again, from the corner of my eye, I got the impression he was looking at me as to say hi but I simply didn't see the point of it. He wanted me out of his life so we are not (and we will never be) friends.
We sat in the room, opposite sides and both facing the judge. As the applicant, he had to go to the witness box and testify. That was the first time that I looked at him, he looked unwell, he had a beard again. He didn't have a beard normally, he let it grow in the months between BD1 and BD2 and I saw it as a sign of depression. He shaved it off once he broke free and hasn't had it in any pictures I've seen of him in the last 4 years.. I found it curious he had it again, maybe the reminder of his old life made him grow it again.. He was nervous, he struggled to get the words out but since all the paperwork and financial agreement had been signed, the statement was short and he got back to his seat. All in all, I'd say we were in and out in 20 minutes. When we were done, I stood up and followed my lawyer to a room, never looked back and I didn't see him again. As hard as it was to get there, the words from my lawyer "You are now divorced" brought peace.. Peace that it's over, peace that I'm no longer at his mercy, peace that he can no longer blame me for anything that goes wrong in his life.
I left the courthouse, walked for a while, sat down for coffee and told everyone who was waiting for news that it was done. I literally felt a weight off my shoulders. I also see him as the looser in this, he thought he was walking into a great new life and it really hasn't worked out well for him. I, on the other hand, have built a great life from the ashes that I'm really proud of. It's not perfect but I couldn't even have dreamt of everything I have accomplished by myself.
Nearly 2 weeks on, B and I have rebonded and have had a great few days together. We have talked a lot and I think we have communicated a lot better in the last few days than in the rest of our relationship.. The ghost of exH that has been between us all this time seems to be fading. Life is good
Curious fact: The pictures of my wedding are STILL on the wall at the ex-in laws' house as of yesterday.
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A clean slate