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Author Topic: My Story “As much as you burn me, baby, I should be ashes by now.”

k
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The selfishness remains breathtaking.  I too always had a glimmer of hope that my MLCer would one day appear as his old lovely self, but 8.5years post BD, none of us are seeing any evidence of it either.
He too will pop up, grinning at me, when there is something that he thinks will benefit his life.  With absolutely no sign of any understanding or empathy regarding the appalling financial (and otherwise) situations that he happily put me and the boys in over the years.
The boys would love to have a meaningful relationship with their Dad once again, but sadly, they have all now experienced for themselves the chilling, self serving behaviours, with a total lack of understanding for their experience these past 8 or so years. They have all decided to keep him at an emotional arms length from their hearts in the future.
It's such a shame, but it too has been revealed the extensive mental health history in my MLCer's family, that was kept a secret from them/us all by their mother.  Living with that sort of denial, I too can't ever imagine my MLCer having the strength of character to apologise to any of us any more.
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I am sorry, HT.

FTT is right, now that he may be a little less well financially, it is a crisis, when you took a tremendous blow, it was a nothing.

MLCers are selfish beyond belief.
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

c
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My first thought at BD was 'how could he?"  Nothing they do or say surprises me and everything they do or say surprises me.  Oh well, and on it goes.
Good to hear from you even if it isn't the most cheerful news. :P
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Ah, the "cheerful" news is that HT stood up for herself and did not cave in hopes of a bread crumb. Hey, he has his degree and could earn $ with it- it will be less lucrative and more physically demanding but that is the hand he dealt HT. He expected HT to go back to work after years out of the field of work, now he can face what he expected her to do. Choices, consequences.

It´s like a party when the parents go away and the wayward teen is sooner or later left with the messy clean up.
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me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

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Good for you, HT. I really enjoy hearing the stories of people who know themselves enough to be able to listen to what their MLCer says and say "No." in a healthy, self aware way. I hope there will be no formal, taking you back to court type of thing with this. I can say I am no longer amazed by anything and MLCer does.

I'm glad you are doing well.
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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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Thanks for all of your replies. Like FTT, I am shocked, but not surprised. I am really kind of shocked that he hasn’t prepared better for this eventuality. But not surprised that his first response is to weasel out of our D settlement. FTT is right, he may never work as an anesthetist again, but he still has a nursing license as well & just as he expected me to return to nursing after many years away, he can seek jobs in many places.

I guess MLCers are not good at mentally preparing for career ends &/or retirement. And my particular MLCer was never good at money. He wouldn’t have the money he has now in retirement funds if I hadn’t insisted. He never wanted to hear about bills or budgets. He wasn’t extravagant, but he wanted to spend money without thinking about the cost. He earned the money; I managed it. It worked pretty well & now many miles down the road he still wants me to “fix” it at my expense.

LBS’s of Vanishers don’t have much opportunity to defend our boundaries, but when we do, it is so damn satisfying. MLCers with their selfishness & lack of empathy must be somewhat nonplussed when we do so.

And, Karma, along with being a b*tch, is hilarious. At BD, when I kept asking why, along with his other absurd replies was, “You support health care reform & HCR will hurt my job”. No, the ACA (Obamacare) probably kept his tiny hospital afloat for a few more years & the dismantling of ACA hastened the splintering of the hospital conglomerate that sold off his hospital.

Another of his explanations was that I had been away from nursing so long that I no longer understood nursing (no matter that the OW was a teacher & knew nothing about health care). Now, I’m the one 2 ½ years along doing well (after a long orientation) at a university hospital & he’s the one being told his experience is seriously out-dated.
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Detach and Survive: A Book of Self-Care for the Wives of Midlife Crisis Men
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, Susan Anderson
Healing the Shame that Binds You, John Bradshaw
The Addictive Personality, Craig Nakken
https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

M'ed 41 years
BD-Jan 2013
Legally separated Feb 2013
D'ed without my consent July 2015
H M'ed OW Sept 2015

L
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HT, very good to hear from you. I also applaud your resounding "NO" to your xH's idiotic request. No indeed. This is the bed he made, let him lie in it. Like FTT said, choices have consequences. How about asking the new MRS to get a second job? His plight, except that it could affect your settlement, is not your problem. Let them both get 2 jobs. Karma in action.
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trying2bok

T
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HT,

Good to see your thread. I don't come around much anymore but still check in from time to time to see if there are any fellow travelers from the old days still posting.

Your response to your ex was perfect. It was good for me to read because I'm expecting a similar request from my ex at any time. I know from my daughter, who's in touch with him, that he's suffering severe financial challenges and I expect he'll be in touch to try the same sort of "request" that you ex did with you.

It's amazing they think we're going to be receptive to such pleas. I'm doing better financially than my ex (who's OW wifey doesn't work due to her chronic illness) and I suspect that's surprised him. (He thought I was going to roll up in a ball and die after he left.) Although I do feel somewhat sorry for him, he's been the architect of his own financial disaster.

Today would have been my 45th wedding anniversary. I didn't remember it until late in the day and was a bit surprised that it seemed like just another day. I'm so grateful for the detachment and peace no contact--and time--have given me.

TMHP



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M 40 yrs.
BD 1/11
Began living with OW 1/11
Divorce final 8/13
Ex married OW 6/15

God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change; the courage to change the one I can; and the wisdom to know it's me.

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Hi HT,

Long time, no read....

Shocked, yes, surprised no....

Mean old Mr. Reality is really a buzzkiller isn't he....

Good to read that you are moving forward with your life and that you could provide an answer to xH... Short, sweet, simple, and direct... "No."

His actions, his consequences, his circus, his monkeys to deal with...
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Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Good to hear from you all. TMHP, our stories have always been so similar. We, along with CoffeeDrinker (may she rest in peace), were probably among the oldest & longest-M’ed LBS’s. I hope any upcoming contact with your H is not traumatic or financially detrimental to you.

Another piece of evidence today that H has badly managed his finances, despite knowing his job was in some jeopardy & that he was nearing retirement age. He emailed this morning saying that my alimony automatically withdrew from his account on the 25th this month instead of the 30th coming within hours of over-drawing his account. Now, even including my alimony, the MLCer makes at least 1 ½ -2 times what I do. That’s not including OW’s salary. Why doesn’t he have enough pad in his account to prevent over-drafts? Or why hasn’t he tied his savings account, if he even has one, to his checking to prevent over-drafts? Poor MLCer, he has to actually think about money management instead of just gliding along on fantasy.

He asks where he can once again send paper checks instead of using automatic bank withdrawals. His first payments post-D were sent from a joint account with OW with both names listed, even before they M’ed. I’ll not accept that again. And I won’t give him my physical address. I had a PO box for the first year & a half after I moved, but dropped it when it seemed “safe”, to cut the expense. My bank should be able to receive his paper checks directly for deposit in my account. I’ll check with them this week (today is a US holiday).

I love the empowered feeling that setting boundaries for my H gives me. His actions affected me & my life so traumatically for years. I know that I would barely be triggered by his joint checks anymore, but I don’t have to accept that. I don’t have to give him my address. No part of my life now “belongs” to him. That was his choice, not mine. But, now he must live with that choice & all its consequences.
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Detach and Survive: A Book of Self-Care for the Wives of Midlife Crisis Men
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, Susan Anderson
Healing the Shame that Binds You, John Bradshaw
The Addictive Personality, Craig Nakken
https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

M'ed 41 years
BD-Jan 2013
Legally separated Feb 2013
D'ed without my consent July 2015
H M'ed OW Sept 2015

 

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