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Author Topic: Discussion General MLC Questions ?

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Discussion Re: General MLC Questions ?
#100: February 28, 2022, 07:17:49 PM
Lol.  Spot on and always a fun, if slightly triggering, read.
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M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

b
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General MLC Questions ?
#101: March 03, 2022, 01:13:44 PM
Not really a MLC question but a link for those who come to this forum wondering if their spouse is indeed in a MLC.

Moderators feel free to move it to whatever thread you see fit.

https://nashlinks.com/midlife-crisis-for-dummies/


Lol.....that's exactly what this article made me do.  If it wasn't so pathetic and sad for the MLC'er and the ruins they are still trapped within, it would be truly comical.
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General MLC Questions ?
#102: March 04, 2023, 09:35:27 PM
Brand new to this. BD 2 weeks ago. H was sneaking around and found a house to move out. I say sneaking because he lied and said he was helping a friend find a place. Moved out last night. Still wants physical intimacy, and my help?? with decisions for his new house, like towels and coffee maker, and hair products to buy. Hie came over today, talked briefly about his depression last night alone in his new place, and wanted to cuddle. As he put it he “needed comfort”. He came back a second time and is now kissing me on the lips (he hasn’t done this in months even though we were still having relations). I am assuming this means he is most likely a clinging boomerang although he just left, and this is all new? The intimacy isn’t upsetting me. I thought it would, but it isn’t. I’m just enjoying having a bit of fun without expectations. I’m relatively calm because I have been reading these forums for awhile now, over a year, because H’s behavior has been erratic and risky since a combo punch of deaths hit over the past 4 years, with the death of his Dad that abandoned him being the most recent. And that information was hidden from him by his sister for over a year and a half. Then came the Testosterone shots, the clubbing, drug experimentation, the loss of interest in spending time with me or our son, etc. Oh and quitting his job, new job, then very recent new fancy car, now new place to live. I just didn’t expect this level of desire to be around me to be honest. And although he is out clubbing again tonight, he wants to come by tomorrow to do his laundry……so it looks like I will be seeing him much more frequently than I had anticipated once he said he was leaving. Anyone have an experience like this? I
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WHY

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General MLC Questions ?
#103: March 04, 2023, 09:51:13 PM
Brand new to this. BD 2 weeks ago. H was sneaking around and found a house to move out. I say sneaking because he lied and said he was helping a friend find a place. Moved out last night. Still wants physical intimacy, and my help?? with decisions for his new house, like towels and coffee maker, and hair products to buy. Hie came over today, talked briefly about his depression last night alone in his new place, and wanted to cuddle. As he put it he “needed comfort”. He came back a second time and is now kissing me on the lips (he hasn’t done this in months even though we were still having relations). I am assuming this means he is most likely a clinging boomerang although he just left, and this is all new? The intimacy isn’t upsetting me. I thought it would, but it isn’t. I’m just enjoying having a bit of fun without expectations. I’m relatively calm because I have been reading these forums for awhile now, over a year, because H’s behavior has been erratic and risky since a combo punch of deaths hit over the past 4 years, with the death of his Dad that abandoned him being the most recent. And that information was hidden from him by his sister for over a year and a half. Then came the Testosterone shots, the clubbing, drug experimentation, the loss of interest in spending time with me or our son, etc. Oh and quitting his job, new job, then very recent new fancy car, now new place to live. I just didn’t expect this level of desire to be around me to be honest. And although he is out clubbing again tonight, he wants to come by tomorrow to do his laundry……so it looks like I will be seeing him much more frequently than I had anticipated once he said he was leaving. Anyone have an experience like this? I

Sounds like classic MLC and I’m sorry.  It’s one helluva thing to go through. You sound resilient though.   Any tips for us with thinner skins?  Some days I feel like I’m hanging by a thread.

As for your intimacy questions.  As long as there is no 3rd party alienator, then RCR actually recommends intimacy as it releases bonding hormones. 

But if there is an AP, then your MLCer is cake eating and it’s time to set boundaries for your own protection.

You should start your own thread.  You’ve done to the right place.  You’ll find the support you need. 
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#104: March 04, 2023, 10:11:12 PM
TY for your reply, WHY. It has been reading others posts on forums like this one that helped prepare me to be calm. Had I just gone with a gut reaction, I think things between H and I would be a lot messier and too dramatic for my liking. H says he can’t live the last few years he has left (yeah he thinks he’s going to die soon because his Dad died)  the way he has lived the last 25 with me. He says I don’t love him, or he says I don’t love him the way he loves me. He says both frequently. He thinks I’m lying about my feelings for him, or that I’m lying to myself. It flip flops. I do think he was expecting or maybe wanting some big dramatic, crying, blubbering show of emotion from me. I did cry, and I have refused to just “tell him I don’t love him)  He keeps telling me to do so, but obviously I do love him, so I’m not going to say something I don’t mean just to help let him off the hook. Maybe I will start my own thread tomorrow. After laundry time with H.
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#105: March 05, 2023, 12:39:27 AM
I agree with Why about starting your own thread.....
And that it is worth your asking yourself why you are providing laundry services or emotional intimacy for someone who has chosen, for whatever reason, to take such a big step as physically moving out.
None of us want to think there are ow/om involved but tbh it is rare that this is not the case. And the last four years of clubbing, fancy cars, drugs and time spent elsewhere are unlikely to be only done solo, aren’t they? So physical intimacy carries a real health risk and perhaps a yuk factor....

Having said that, it is entirely normal that, just a couple of weeks post BD, your focus is so much on what he says, does and wants. Most of us have been there.....but just bc it is normal for any bewildered LBS does not mean it is a healthy goal for you if that makes sense. There is a point, I think, when we need to unhook ourselves from their ship and treat them like an adult who creates consequences inevitably by their actions. Not punishment, just predictable consequences. Usually we LBS have to force ourselves to break old habits in new circumstances bit by bit, and it feels hard initially but gets easier. After all, your decades of laundry did not stop him doing what he’s done so it’s not going to win him back now is it? . I’d humbly suggest that finding a way to do your own laundry is a bare minimum practical effect of deciding to stop living with your wife and family....that’s how grown up real life works, isn’t it? He is not a child; he is an adult, albeit a troubled one, who is only going to learn and evolve as adults do by experiencing his own consequences from getting the life he has chosen to create for himself....and you will find that you need your energy increasingly for creating some safe stable ground for you and your kids after he blew up the old one. Jmo.
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« Last Edit: March 05, 2023, 12:47:53 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#106: March 05, 2023, 07:41:31 AM
TY, Treasur, for your reply. I agree whole heartedly with everything you have said. I will start a thread of my own, later today. For now, I am being accommodating and kind, not because I feel he needs it, but because that’s who I am as a person. There will be a time for boundaries coming soon, I just really need him to get his stuff out of my house. He has, so far, taken only the bare minimum, and I can’t even enjoy the fact that I will finally have enough closet space for both my winter and summer clothes. When I start my thread I’ll get into the details of my situation, including how much less I make, and why. Dreams I put on hold that I started pursuing again last fall that I am waiting to hear back on, etc. I have already been moving forward in many aspects, and now that our health insurance if finally re-established as of the 1st of this month, I can get the counseling I’ve been in need of for awhile. Lost health insurance last July when he abruptly quit his job, and of course I held down the fort with our finances because I always have. He has always been crap at it, and has no interest, but paying his own little water, trash, electricity etc. is a step in the right direction. In the meantime, I get the house we own, even though my income doesn’t cover the mortgage right now. Trade offs. Of course he has probably done the OW thing. He needs outside validation to feel ok. Always has. And I’m aware that all his accusations of me stepping out was just projection by him. He stopped taking me out a long time ago because “we always fight”. We always fight because he would be slapped in the face with the realization that men find me very attractive, and his jealousy always kicked in. I never flirted or did anything to draw male attention, and if I was approached, I always immediately started talking about my H, so I didn’t send the wrong message to any man. I should stop talking here, and start my own thread soon.
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General MLC Questions ?
#107: June 13, 2023, 10:18:01 PM
There's a few recent reconnection/reconciliation threads that aren't linked in the pinned reconnection/reconciliation thread. Is it possible to get them added by an admin? 
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M: 53 (48 @ BD), H: 55 (51 @ BD); Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 24 (19 @ BD), D: 22 (17 @ BD), 'Extra D': 22 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW - he (supposedly) met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her.
Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her (never happens).
May 22: Movement... (likely T&G? Time will tell I guess)
May 23: Yep, definitely a T&G last year. Still have contact but very minimal. He is a long way away from me these days. He doesn't seem particularly happy in his new life... but he's still there soooo....

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General MLC Questions ?
#108: June 14, 2023, 12:39:00 AM
There's a few recent reconnection/reconciliation threads that aren't linked in the pinned reconnection/reconciliation thread. Is it possible to get them added by an admin?

Done - I have linked all the current (with posts up to one year ago) pink and purple icon posts into the thread
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Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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General MLC Questions ?
#109: June 14, 2023, 02:15:54 AM
You legend, U(M)! Thank you. 😊
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M: 53 (48 @ BD), H: 55 (51 @ BD); Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 24 (19 @ BD), D: 22 (17 @ BD), 'Extra D': 22 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW - he (supposedly) met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her.
Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her (never happens).
May 22: Movement... (likely T&G? Time will tell I guess)
May 23: Yep, definitely a T&G last year. Still have contact but very minimal. He is a long way away from me these days. He doesn't seem particularly happy in his new life... but he's still there soooo....

 

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