[Helpnewc]

My daughters are seven and 10. My exwife is insisting on a child inclusive mediation despite their young age and how hard they are doing it. She knows they will say they want more time with her and has been chipping away at them.

And then she insists I pay for the whole mediation when it is obviously 50/50. But I am trying to see the positive.

Her ridiculous demands mean that I can simply file in court and get on with it. Given the prospects of settlement at mediation were low given her attitude I am just seeing this as positive.


An incomplent solicitor and a mad client is a bad mix.

[UrsaMajor]

An incompetent solicitor and a mad client is a bad mix.

At least for her.....

As for the custody - 50/50 or no deal.... Same as mediation. She wants the D, she has to pony up her part of it... It's called "consequences."

[FrenchHusband]

My daughters are seven and 10. My exwife is insisting on a child inclusive mediation despite their young age and how hard they are doing it. She knows they will say they want more time with her and has been chipping away at them.

Is she already your XW ? Did I miss something ? Regarding the children, it is funny how our spouses withdraw from their life, fly from them or are not emotionnaly present during the "scheduled common time" AND at the same time they claim they WANT them.
When W is at home with the children, she is almost always phoning or in the room with door closed. Even in the kitchen she closes the door. At the public park after S6's school, she is withdrawn from what other moms tell me. And she wants full custody of S6, she says !

Last week, the girls said to their mom that she is never talking to them and to anybody. She said it is true, and she will make efforts. But after 2 weeks, she continues to do the same !
I am glad I kept my mouth closed.

You know what, Helpnewc ? The best thing you can do at this time (aside from legal topics) is focus on yourself, be healthy and be a stable and balanced parent for your daughters. I am sure your daughters understand more this situation than you imagine. Their words during mediation might be different from what your W (or XW) expects ?

[Helpnewc]

Hi French and Ursa,

We are still married but mentally I have accepted she is no longer my wife. Thinking of her as my ex wife helps with that.

The girls are an anchor for her. She is still a great mum but just considers me the source of all unhappiness. It is classic MLC. Even when I have been deleted from her life, I am still the cause of unhappiness.


I have been having a great week with my girls. My eldest opened up to me and it is plain she blames me. She simply said you are why she left. I can only say to her that she left because she chose to and I am sorry your mum cannot see I have changed as you do.

But I only make good decisions for myself and the girls.

It is plain my ex is crazy. I know men through that around but it is all odd.

[Helpnewc]

I had my daughters for nine days and we had a holiday together. It was great but my eldest had a bad cold and spent a bit of time in bed.

She also started to open up to me and told me how hard it has been on her as she is older and she remembers being a family. She was also angry and told me “she left because of you.” It was hard to hear but I am glad she could tell me. I told her that I loved her and her mum but her mum had chosen to leave. I said it would be ok and that it was not her fault. I said I was glad she could tell me how she was feeling.


The girls ask me if I am ok. They know I am sad but I just tell them I am ok. I am glad I can feel emotions but it is dreadful when the go. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being the bulldozer that I was but it is richer to feel things. I have done the work. One of my staff came back from maternity leave and said you are you but you are different.

I am not who I was. I am a better man and father. I would be a better husband if I was allowed to be but my wife remains determined to see me as an evil controlling monster. I was never that but I was fallible like all humans.

I saw her for the first time in 6 weeks when I returned the girls. She waved at me with her dead eyes. She does not look great. But all I can do is care for myself and my girls.

And how I wish I did not love her.

[Treasur]

What does child inclusive mediation mean? That the kids are in the room with you? Or the mediator meets with them separately and speaks on their behalf like a guardian ad litem?

Your girls are very young and I could see why you might feel concerned about it. On the one hand I suppose it gives them some agency; on the other hand it could leave them with a sense of responsibility for things that they really can’t control or exposed to discussions (and emotions) about things that are well beyond their pay grade as kids.

If your instinct is that it might be a bad thing for your kids, particularly your eldest, can you say no? Or insist on them being evaluated independently by a child therapist beforehand to see if it would be a good idea or not? Bc, as we all know here, MLC folks tend to want what they want bc they want it, but getting divorced means that this is no longer a good enough reason for you to do certain things just bc of that. What does your lawyer say about it?

[Helpnewc]

Hi Treasure,

The girls meet with the practitioner in a neutral location like a park and provide a report at the beginning of the mediation. The reality is my ex has already put them in the middle so I have to trust the practitioner who I am told is very good and fair.

It will be interesting whether it happens. My wife wanted me to pay for the whole thing but it is meant to be split 50/50. I suspect when she realise it will be a $7,000 day with her lawyer included she may chance her mind.

I am well aware that she has been poisoning the well with the girls and that is why she has pushed it. But I am well advised and I just have to trust those who advise me.


It really is just a case if I want this so you do it and her legal case is weak. There is no history of violence or drugs. I work part time and less hours than her. There is no risk factor that should mean it is less than equal time.

But she wants what she wants. She misapprehends that I am happy to go the distance to have time with my girls. And it not about anger, I just love my children.

[Treasur]

Ah, I see, thank you for clarifying that. Yes, I can see why you have decided to trust the practitioner. Ha ha, at least she is going to be more informed, focused on your kids’ feelings and rational than your stbxw. Like you, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if she changes her mind bc of the cost when she realises that you are holding your legal ground on what you are obliged to pay for and what you are not. It’s rather surreal how self-centred these folks become, isn’t it? Even to the point of foolishness.

[forthetrees]

Might be worth looking into "parental alienation."

[Helpnewc]

Hi forthetrees,

I am across that but there is little you can do.