Dear Confused, Sands, and all,
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I am in limbo at the moment. I did not think that I would find myself in this place. Not wanting to Stand anymore. As of late, since no contact with H, I've felt anger of what he has done. I can't get it off my mind that he chose THAT over me, our children, our family, our future. THAT thing that was able to persuade him to an illicit affair. How dare he do this to me!!!!! Now that I have had the time to think, reassess my marriage. It was never good. NEVER. Why would I want that back? He is incapable of being the man I want, the man I need. What has helped me through this from the beginning is the thought that we could have it better than ever. This is just fantasy now.
I relate to all that you have said. I am 20 months post BD. My H and I were together 25 years and now he has chosen alcohol, porn, cybersex, adultery with two women I believed to be "dear friends" and at least one other woman. He is still with my former friend whose divorce is now final and he is pressing to move forward legally. So, in a nutshell, I have surrendered. I am not helping the separation or divorce along except to respond appropriately as needed, but it is also no use to beg, cajole, or otherwise drag my feet. My H is a total vanisher from me and from D15. It is as if he has died, but without the service, the casseroles and the fellow mourners to help me through. Add to that the fact that all involved parties have the same mutual friends, as do our children, and well... it's a pretty ugly, dire sitch.
My H has never been a strong man and I cannot imagine him having the commitment, the humility or the strength or desire to even try to fix this. D and I are merely collateral damage. It's gutting, and devastating and cruel on so many fronts. BUT I now understand that the standing has been as much for me and D as it has been for H and my marriage. Not rushing the process has given me the "gift of time" as OP says. It has allowed me to begin to get my brain around this (still a work in progress), give my D two more years in our family home and two more years of her beloved homeschooling. It has given me two more years of medical and dental coverage, etc., of counseling and coming to terms, and getting stronger and making some new friends...
It has not been ideal and I would not wish this on anyone, but I am glad that I did not respond in a knee-jerk fashion in the beginning. This time provided an odd sort of stability within which I could begin to get used to the changes and the truth of my life and marriage as it now is. It gave me the time to stop romanticizing my H and my marriage and see them in their true light, and it gave my D the time to go from age 13 to age 15 so she may have more say if there is a custody or visitation agreement issue as we proceed.
This is not to say that I have not stood for my marriage or that I don't hold out hope, but I am also saying that standing can have a more broad basis as well. And sometimes I think it is only
after we get to the place of knowing we can survive either way, that we can really choose to stand for the right reasons. In the early days, as much as I would say that I was standing for my marriage, I was also standing out of desperation, fear, shame, financial security and dependence, "only for the children," etc. I felt compelled to stand rather than completely choosing it from a place of calm and genuine freedom. I also had not yet come to the acceptance that the OW (as much as it hurts to have been also betrayed by a friend) could not have persuaded H into anything he did not want to do. I know it is tempting to put the blame there, but in terms of our marriages, our spouses betrayed us and if it was not this OW/OM, it would most likely have been another. To give OW/OM the power to determine the course of our marriage, doesn't help us. The reality is that our partner chose something and/or someone over his/her family and we must look at that honestly and do the individual work around that truth whether we reconcile or not. If our spouse is not strong enough, well enough, or committed enough to be faithful to our marriage and our family, that is something we have to face and make honest decisions about.
As grief stricken as I am about my H, MLC, and this legal process, I also have to face the truth that he is not the man I need or deserve. He has a long way to go. He has never demonstrated the kind of strength that is needed to get through and beyond this. I have no idea how he, I or our D would/could ever move past this. AND he has opted to end the marriage. So, while I have not made a formal decision not to stand, it does seem rather futile in my sitch, so I am choosing to ride the waves. I am not paddling the boat or trying to go faster, but I am also not fighting the current. I am releasing, deferring to a higher wisdom and letting the decision to stand or not stand be fluid at this point.
It is not easy, but I know that much of the lesson that this experience is meant to teach me is that I cannot control everything, that I may not always know what is best or what is around the next corner, and that sometimes there is nothing left but hope/faith, grace, dignity, and letting go...
I wish you deep peace and healing.
XO~
Phoenix
Hope, Expectations & Probability
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