[mcm64d]

Thanks to JB for pointing out the need for another thread.

Treasur- you sure are making things difficult.....
KD- never heard of Boaty Mcface.


Christmas eve............

I had one small cry about an hour ago but otherwise it's been a pretty relaxing day. Listening to some jazz on youtube and reading up on my now favorite all-time topic MLC.

There has been a tradition for about the last 12 years where my sister in law would text us a silly video I found on youtube that makes us laugh each year. Last night I decided to send it to my sister in law this year as I wasn't expecting to hear from her. I haven't heard from her since my wife left in August. She actually gave me a nice, warm response almost immediately. I then apologized for everything and told her I love her. I got no response from that but that was always the case. Not a very openly emotional type of woman.

I just thought it so nice that people continue to like me after all of this. TBH- everyone I ever open up to gets to love me. Now unfortunately, I don't let many people in and that is something I need to work on. But I would be so bored if I were perfect....know what I mean?

I am sure I will be on here a little later and probably tomorrow but wanted to wish each and every one of you a Happy Christmas.

If you're spending the holidays alone, I am sorry. But please know I too will be spending it alone so you're not alone. And you know what they say? Being alone is one of the best things to share with others

Peace be with you all.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=12127.msg800747#msg800747

[mcm64d]

Just a little journalling for the future to look back on.

So my Christmas with the cat has come and basically gone. I have heard nothing from my stbxw. I had been getting texts on holidays and birthday to the effect of "i know things are the best for us right now, but I just wanted to wish you a....."

Not sure how I feel about that. On one hand, it is the natural end of things. Leaves me kind of wondering about the friendship she wanted to keep. And there is a thought in the back of my head that this is "retaliation" for not replying to her latest message.On the other hand, it could be the beginning of the vanisher, and I don't know what I feel about that either. Some friends I have spoken with today insist she will regret all of this and will come back to me someday. I truly believe she will come to regret this, but not letting myself get convinced of any possible return.

I know I shouldn't dwell on these things but I will. Not much choice at the moment but tomorrow will represent a return to "normalcy" so that is something to look forward to.

Overall today has not been bad. Received a very nice text from my ex grandmother in law. She insists things will get better and that she knows how I feel. The holidays have not been the same for her since her daughter passed. A truly nice gesture and support.

She then said something a little strange but nothing worth me getting upset over. She thanked me for telling her not to be mad at my stbxw for this "mess" and that she appreciates me taking the blame for it and that she hopes I am seeking help for issues. A strange thing to say in a Christmas greeting but whatever. I just told her that I am not mad or resentful or anything and that I told my stbxw my door will always be open and she can call anytime.

Hoping everyone's holidays have been as happy as possible under the conditions in which we now currently live.

[mcm64d]

So I did something stupid Christmas night....I texted my stbxw a picture of the cat, the day he had and Happy Christmas.

I received two replies....the first Very Good and the second my family wishes tou a Merry Christmas.

The first reply- not sure what to make of it. Guessing she just didn't know what to say. I have noticed during this period of my life that she capitalizes words in the middle of texts that ordinarily wouldn't be capitalized. I realize that grammatic correct is not a hallmark of texting, but it takes effort to capitalize a little in mid text. Just finding it strange and again my mind working overtime on all this.

The second reply- Assuming she was with her father's side of the family when I texted, there is no chance she told everyone...hey look my h texted me a picture and they happily replied tell him Merry Christmas (most all of them have my number, so they could have made the effort had they wanted). I cannot imagine her decision is looked upon favorably to divorce (and from recent events the mask is cracking- wondering if they see it also.)

Couldn't she just have said merry Christmas and be done with it instead of saying it for her family (and not from her BTW)?

Either way, I let the emotion get to me and replied that we are all focusing on your happiness 100% but I also can imagine how your mom felt after her dad divorced her. Please be aware of your choices and how they affect you.

Not my proudest moment and I am ashamed at myself, but I will have to let that go as well.

Lucky to have an IC appointment this afternoon. One of the topics will be why my mind churns like it does......

[Reinventing]

It's okay. Christmas is hard, and going through this is hard, so give yourself a break. We pick ourselves up and move forward.

If you keep thinking about what you sent, tell yourself that you're human and use some of your strategies to redirect your mind to something else.

If you keep feeling pain with her responses, you'll end up limiting how much you reach out. Because likely the response is not going to be what you want.

It is so hard, and takes so long to internalize that what was before is gone (ashes from bomb drop) and no matter how she responded to your text, the future is what you build.

[xyzcf]

We are “ allowed”………sometimes the urge to connect is so great, especially on special dates, that it relieves the extreme distress that we feel for just a moment by reaching out. Their response will probably not be what we want, indeed we can pick apart every word and nuance and our monkey brains will find all kinds of thoughts about that they said and what they did not say…..gradually that will shift.

Yesterday is finished and your life goes on. It is still very raw, very lonely and very unfair that they seem to be having a lovely time and we are a puddle on the floor.

There is no quick way through to detachment, acceptance and ultimately a life where joy is felt once more….you will get there it is just hard to see how the future will be at this point.

Get lots of rest, go outside and talk a walk somewhere beautiful, perhaps escape to the movies and just be totally kind to yourself. The feelings and emotions of being abandoned take a long time to process.

[mcm64d]

Thank you R and X.

I just need to learn how to let completely go. Last night, I thought my intentions were to give her some pleasure. Looks like I was wrong.

[Biscuit]

I noticed after BD that my W stopped capitalizing the first letter of anyone other than her own name…. This has comitinued. She never did this before!
Of course OM’s name was capitalized too when he was still lurking about.

They are odd versions of themselves in the crisis!

[Biscuit]

Her grammar, punctuation and spelling also reverted to that of a juvenile. Whereas before she was quite pedantic about these things. Sone messages, even now, need to be reread in order for me to understand them fully.

[mcm64d]

Thank you for the reassurances. I thought it was me being a little too analytical about things. And yes I too have to re read things sometimes. The language she uses is sometimes just bizarre.

[mcm64d]

So here I am a couple days away from getting rid of the worst year of my adult life and I have mixed emotions.

Firstly, I feel good about where I am generally speaking and trying to leave my worries and fears about the future to God. My apologies if I am not to speak of Him and will not do so should the admins advise. I mean not to offend. Last I will speak of here for today.

Anyway.... still mixed on leaving my stbxw alone. The pain is subsiding, thankfully. But the fear that her love (and yes I know its not there now...) and mine will fade. And if you'd ask me if I would take her back today as she was before this mess, I wouldn't know. It is really strange.

Then there is the fear of the unknown... I know what I said above, but it is still a concern from time-to-time. And I do know I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life and I am certainly not getting any younger

But then there is a promise of a new year. The holidays and my birthday are in the past, well for now obviously. Those were the days I most dreaded since August when this calamity started in earnest. I sit here wondering what I will do, how I will feel, if my stbxw be a vanisher, will I care, how it will feel if i don't care, if I can get past her, if I want to meet someone else.......

So while the hurricane has seemingly past by, a new foggy storm has rolled in.... 

[xyzcf]

Glad that you are feeling a bit more settled. The holidays and special days like your birthday and anniversary are "more" difficult.

Speaking about God, sharing your faith is certainly allowed. Our faith beliefs are an important  part of who we are, how we live our lives.

My faith has grown throughout this time, and there are many here who say that has happened. Faith in God has helped me to let go..because God's plans are not my plans but He knows everything about what is happening.

One HS members is a very close friend of mine, we live 5 minutes from one another and we share the same Christian beliefs. She has been an important prayer partner in my life for several years and I am very grateful that I met her on HS and then discovered she is my neighbor.

Fear is a part of the LBS journey. There are so many unknowns, so much insecurity. Gradually the fear is replaced with an understanding that we can't do anything to fix this, and as we build new interests and discover new friends, the fear subsides.

A new year, a fresh slate is also very hopeful. Thanks for sharing your thoughts today.

[mcm64d]

Thanks for reading X.

You are the second person to indicate that they have a neighbor on this site. Wishing I did....

If anyone is from Pennsylvania, please reach out to see if our cities match or come close!!!

There my begging is done for today 

[mcm64d]

Been trying to take a few "days off" from MLC but I now find myself in a low place.

Not as bad or as low as it was in the past, but I have broke out in tears a couple of times this weekend. New Year's Eve had never been an event for us as we always agreed to stay home and find something to watch on television with some good food, so I don't think that is the trigger here.

I am alone but not lonely. I have friends I text regularly and speak to occasionally. Been opening up a little more to those at work lately too. (I am largely an introvert who is not always keen on social interaction).

I am enjoying cooking again....nothing amazingly special but for a while there I hated it because cooking for one takes some getting used to. I ALWAYS did my fair share of cooking and cleaning and laundry...things my wife would say her female co-workers were jealous of and therefore another reason for what a great man I am. I do not think I am great but do think I am pretty special...with a few screws loose  .

The more I think about things, the better I feel about myself. Instincts tell me that this is her issue and that she knows it. My IC says I am very empathetic and although I do not think she subscribes to MLC per se, in the end she knows that I am correct in my assessment that none of this makes sense and that a lot of my stbxw words and actions indicate a deep feeling of guilt over all this, which would result in more hurtful behavior from her toward me.

I truly believe she will come back someday even though the odds are against it. I am certainly not depending on her to do so. I have made up my mind that in due time, I will start dating again. If I find the person I'd like to spend life with is unknown, as is what I would do if my stbxw comes back to some type of relationship.

Not really sure what the cause of my malaise is. And I do not expect anyone here to have the answer. Just venting and journalling I suppose.

Happy New Year everyone!!!!

[Reinventing]

It took me awhile to cook again too. Sometimes we can't put our finger on why we feel out of sorts. It's good to wonder why because we can consider reducing what causes us feeling out of sorts and doing more of what helps us feel stable.

The good thing is it's not as bad as the worst times and it's going to pass and you'll feel better.

[mcm64d]

Journaling……

So my real estate agent just texted me that the buyers of my house received and accepted an offer on their home, so the sale of my home looks to be coming sooner than later. Not sure how I feel.

Mostly thankful, even though I never really wanted to sell it, because it seems like a perfect end to a lousy year. Even though closing won’t happen until 2024, I am hoping to see it as a huge infusion into my falling behind retirement account. So it’s one step closer to “closure”. Only the paperwork from the court remains.

I think the last time I spoke to my wife on the phone was when I said something about not believing all of this happened and that she was selling her dream home. She started crying and hung up. Wonder what she’s thinking about this. Wondering whether I will have to hear about it….

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I am so sorry you are in your situation as your MLCer is high on octane to be done and move on. In my situation, my ex spent almost three years wallowing in our home, but once she filed, the divorce was completed in less than two months and she was out the door. The one thing I can advise as you go through the divorce process is that this is all now strictly business and you need to have a business mind set as you sort things out. She may say she is your friend, but divorce is not a friendly event and you want to avoid the mindset that if you are nice to her that she see what a great guy you are. I don't know if you have an attorney or not, but legal advice that pertains to the laws of your area always is preferred. 

I have read through your threads and a couple things stuck out to me.

The tendency to have the need to be right instead of accepting another's incorrect or correct opinion and moving on.

You, I, and almost every man in the world need to work on this issue. There is no problem about becoming a better listener, or on this forum, a better reader. One thing I have taken from my many years is to listen and ponder another person's perspective. Losing the weight and going to counseling are all positive means to become a better person. I just don't want you to revisit your entire marriage and ponder the times you were not at your best. I did it and managed to only make myself feel more miserable.

One thing that I have observed is that for the most part, the LBSers on the site are fixers. I don't know what brought you to the site, but while trying to figure out what was going on with my ex, I did research and came to this place. Fixers want to examine and figure out what went wrong so they can then taker corrective action. There is nothing wrong with that except, hold your breath, you have to move forward with the assumption that something is wrong with you and the marriage.

What if all the issues and problems were all within her and none of this pertains to you or your marriage- you and the marriage are just collateral damage?

I often try to put myself in the mind of the MLCer and what is driving them. One thing I often feel is that the MLCer operates from emotion based decisions as opposed to rational based decisions. Now we all do both and often combine a little of each. The difference is that the MLCer tends to be of the mindset, "I do this because it makes me feel better."  It is very self centered, "This is my time." "I want to think about me." Your wife seems to feel as if she had done things differently, her life would have magically been better. All of this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her.

I don't say this lightly. I have met several LBSers over the years and they are just regular people just like me. Very nice and friendly and just as bewildered as I was. Nothing wrong with them at all. They didn't have three eyes or while we were eating throw food at the waiter. Because the reality is that the crisis really had nothing to do about them.

My father in law cheater on my mother in law with one of her best friends when my wife was 6. He ended up marrying her. The step mom ended up abusing my wife. Both my wife and her sister have been chasing my father in law for validation all of their lives while belittling my mother in law until her death.

I am not a therapist, but I see a lot of childhood issues stemming from the father cheating, abuse by the step mom, and her mom passing. I read that it was her father that introduced you to her. A lot of issues to unpack and her crisis may be more tied to the guilt she feels on how she treated her mother to gain the affection of her father. Once again, this is all about her and nothing to do with you.

If anyone is from Pennsylvania, please reach out to see if our cities match or come close!!!

Unfortunately, I am in California. I did spend a Christmas in Bethlehem, PA while I was in college with a friend. It was really beautiful and I had a lot of fun.

Have a great day and enjoy the new year,

(((Ready)))

[mcm64d]

Ready,

You are very perceptive and 100% on base with your observations. I have no doubt her crisis is involving the dad triangle for brevity.....

After she left but before she started the monstering, she needed her father's help moving out her belongings. He's a bird watcher. He received a call while helping his daughter move that a rare bird was in the area. He left her to see the bird. That should tell you what she has had to deal with.

And while I agree about having empathy, and trust me I do think what she is going through has been due to a lifetime of this type of nonsense, the selfish part of me thinks "I am the only one she had that truly cared. And I do. Almost every major decision in life was to her benefit even if it hurt me a little, every path I took in life had her best interests at heart, and she leaves ME???" Guessing she cannot leave what she never had including her father and possibly her sister.

Anyway 100% correct my friend. Thank you for the extremely thoughtful post.Happy New Year. And just because you are almost perfect in your post, I live less than 15 minutes away from Bethlehem.....

My malaise I spoke of before has to be the irregular schedule that comes with the holidays. And tbh, this has effected me in previous years as well. Just have the added layer of this added the year and wasn't seeing it properly. All will be well today and moving forward as I like to have time off but I also like some structure daily. My apologies for not seeing this and adding it to this post unnecessarily.

Speaking of which....totally irrelevant to anything but two things for any of my British friends here:

1- Plymouth v Watford is an absolutely entertaining match currently.
2- Watched some of the London New Year's Day parade. Why are all of the talent seemingly from high schools in the U.S.?

[mcm64d]

So my wife asked me a little while ago if I wanted to keep the dental appointment in the office she works this month. I ignored it. I figured the answer should be relatively easy to predict.

Well I just got a text from her coworker asking the same thing. Nevermind they have a text reminder thing that comes through verifying the appointment . I politely asked to cancel it.

But what I really wanted to say is why would you want a psycho time bomb in your place of business?

Guessing I wount be hearing from my wife anymore.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

You handled that very well. In the situation, you are in a lose/lose. If you don't go, she tells everyone you are spiteful. If you go, she tells everyone you are clinging and won't accept the fact that it is over between the two of you. Can't win in either case. So, do what makes you feel sound and whole.

Trust me, my ex was a master in placing me in those lose/lose situations. It all just serves to justify their choices and actions.

Continue to move forward and make choices that benefit you and how you can achieve balance in your life again. To be honest, you are doing very well considering the time frame. In fact a lot of the newbies are further along the path to detachment than I ever was. I was a complete basket case and totally miserable. Be proud of how you are doing and as I said before, be really good to yourself. Part of detachment is healing and that takes time as well.

Have a great day,

(((Ready)))

[mcm64d]

I wouldn't be surprised if my xw told her coworker to call because I was being difficult but I really don't care.

She actually texted me the week of Christmas about it. Thought that was especially cold since she knew I would be spending the holidays alone. But I won;'t show her that kind of hurt any longer.

Thank you for your kind words. It is because of people like you that we can recover faster imho.

[mcm64d]

Just a bit of journaling today.

Had a couple of sad moments this week. New Year's Eve in the afternoon for about 15 minutes and yesterday on my ride home from work.

It is truly getting better. And I have gone dark. No contact whatsoever. We received a group text from the realtor and only xw replied. Oh and I am starting to refer to her purposely on here and prayers as xw. It's not official yet, but trying to take the next steps.

This is strange only because it feels like I am cutting off my nose despite my face, but under the circumstances, its really the only option. I would love to tell her I miss her or that I love her, but she already knows, and despises, both I am sure.

But at least I am not uncontrollably tearing up and running to the bathroom to cry at work anymore. And my sad spells are so more infrequent and shorter.

[Helpnewc]

You are doing well.

It is awful but we adapt and get used to our new reality.

You are right about not telling her those things. She knows and she is angry that there are consequences to her running.

[Reinventing]

But at least I am not uncontrollably tearing up and running to the bathroom to cry at work anymore. And my sad spells are so more infrequent and shorter.

This is good to hear. I did the same running to the bathroom or sitting under my desk in my office so people couldn't see me and try and cry as softly as I could. That was before a lot of self-care steps that I took. I was very worried about not functioning well enough in my job. A job that I needed more than ever, given the circumstances.

Keep doing what helps you stabilize and heal and less of what destabilized you.

[mcm64d]

Thank you H and R.

It's the first snow of the year today and I find myself peacefully watching it out of my window. My xw loved the snow. And a month or two ago I would have gotten really sad over it, but today its peaceful. I love her. I miss her.

I am in a strange new place. Peaceful. Alone but not lonely. Knowing that I am working on my issues and feeling good. Knowing that she isn't and feeling badly for her. I am not worried about the future, no matter the numbers of years or number of hours.

I still have my moments. The other night I had a dream that my wife left me. And as usual, whenever I have a disturbing dream as I awake I tell myself its just a dream. This time I said to myself my wife didn't leave me, and then instantly I remembered " oh that's right, she did leave."

Got a chuckle out of that one somehow.

[Reinventing]

Mcm64d, you sound good, focusing on yourself and healing. That was an amusing story about the nightmare--many here will smile in recognition of that scenario.

[mcm64d]

.....well overall I do believe I am doing well. Thanks in large part from the support I receive here.

There are strange dreams I am having, most of them I forget now but remember as strange when they woke me, which indicates to me that I am not healed. And that's ok.

In fact I am mentioning more for those who feel like they are not doing "as well" as me. It's still there and I expect it will be still there for years to come. Just less I guess than before.

[mcm64d]

...and now a little complaining.

My realtor is trying to wrap things up on the sale of this house. She sends an email to both me and my xw concerning last minute things my xw has to clear up.

Don't you know she leaves me off the email reply. Also I need a copy of the property settlement agreement for the title company and my lawyer doesn't know where it is in the proceedings. We assume her attorney filed it with the courts. Crickets.

Why? Why the stupid games? Is she trying to illicit a response from me? Because it won't work. Unless it is life or death I plan never to respond to anything she does. But just why? I am so tired of this process.

[mcm64d]

and now back into depression.

I really thought I was getting there especially after the holidays. I have to get to a place where this does not effect me any longer. Until then I am stuck in this shallowish bowl scraping up the sides just to slip back to the bottom and on my back like a turtle.

There, that made me smirk.

Have a good day everyone!

[xyzcf]

I am sorry that you are feeling depressed mcm64d. I went back to your first post and checked, you started noticing changes in your marriage last summer , 2023. Many losses since then so it is pretty normal to be depressed.

There is no magic bullet, no way to quickly take away the pain...time will ease it.

I posted an article I read today, a therapist talking about grief and loss.

https://www.cnn.com/2023/12/29/health/grief-how-to-cope-wellness/index.html

Even with all her knowledge and expertise, it was a long road for her to heal.

In my own story, I never thought that this would hit me so hard and for so long. I am a very resilient woman, vey independent and "glass half full" type of person.  I knew that it would hurt, to have my marriage end but had no idea .. Thinking back on breakups with boyfriends, I expected to be "over" him in a shorter period of time.

As you read the stories here, looking at the timeframes you are responding as we all did.

It is good that you identify that you have depression. I cannot remember, are you working with a therapist?

Some people need antidepressants for a time.

I do like you sense of humor regarding the turtle!

[MadLuv]

There is so much cycling early on and those get father apart with time, but this is trauma. Deep painful trauma that affects your thoughts on your past, present and future. Questioning reality. It takes a while to untangle it all and accept the nee life you are living, but you do and then there are still dips in the road. Tell yourself better days will come and feel what you need to. I truly believe feeling the pain and grieving it all is how you get to a better place

[FaithWalker]

Hang in there mcm.  Maybe our support can be like water into that basin that lifts that little turtle to the top and out of his depression bowl.

For now, with the little bit of water pouring into the bowl, "just keep swimming, just keep swimming!"

[mcm64d]

5 month anniversary of this mess. The house supposedly sells next Friday. Then all there is to do is wait for the divorce decree.

Someone has to be telling my cell this is not right. Somebody has to have some sense in this world. I know she can’t be feeling good about this. There just is now way she could.

The house and the belongings were never important to me- the relationship was. But it’s now another stage of this stupidity- bye bye house. Haven’t been there for two months and will not go back, but still another piece of me that will be officially gone. I worked so hard to get there. Working full time and going to college basically full time to make a better life for us.

I worked so hard so she didn’t have to. I worked too hard to let it go because of this. It’s not fair but fair doesn’t exist. And yet for as bad as a psycho time bomb she says I am, I haven’t gotten mad. I haven’t shown up at her apartment looking to get her back or raging at her. I do not reach out (since Christmas and before that very rarely).

Someone close to her has to know that this is wrong. It won’t accomplish much, but someone…..

[Reinventing]

Mcm64d, each step of change, separating, is hard, hard, hard. The house us particularly hard.

Know that most people having affairs call their partner a psycho, or something to that affect. It's hard not to internalize and have to defend yourself with their name calling. Just know that it is very typical of people having affairs (and therefore MLCers).

There isn't a thread of truth to it.

[Treasur]

WE know, if it helps.
For everyone else, including her, let it go. Some people won’t know, some will believe things that aren’t true, most won’t care that much bc they are busy worrying about their own lives. But your own real tribe, your kind of people, people who really know who you are, will know and be cheering you on as you move forward and rebuild.

None of this is fair. And we lose a lot in the process. That’s true. I am very sorry that the losses probably feel like they are coming thick and fast right now. Keep going - it will get easier and there is a different life worth having on the other side.

[mcm64d]

I never really thought she was having an affair, but it really doesn't matter. In fact, it may make this all more palatable if she were having an affair.

But very interesting that people having affairs lash out like that. Never really would have thought that.

And thank you everyone for your kind words. It will and has been in fact, getting better.

The notary came to my apartment this morning to get most of the paperwork signed for the sale of the house Friday. A bizarre experience, They rang the intercom and said "your notary team are here". Didn't know I had a team, did you? Neither did I. And would have never thought it would take a team.

Tow of them came in, with masks on, sat down and got to business. One never spoke, just kept making copies/ scanning things. The other a nice lady with a thick accent. Took everything I had to understand her for the accent and mask combined were formidable. She shoved papers at me, I read them, signed them, returned them. Then she shoved a folder my way with copies of everything I signed. And off they went.

Less than 5 minutes. That's all it takes I guess. 5 months and 5 minutes. (There's more to go before sale of the house thru docusign, but I am being dramatic for the effect of how I feel).

In a way, I surprised divorce is taking this long. In another, it seems like senseless destruction is so much quicker than the hard work it took to build a sensible life.

[mcm64d]

and I meant to ask....

Does anyone have good websites outlining both first hand experience of an MLCer? I know there is a post on here under the newbies section, but was looking for additional sources. It may help me understand all of this a little better. Thanks!!

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I am not aware of any deep resources regarding the MLCer except that while in the midst of everything going so wrong, it felt so right. I often post that most of the MLCers actions are based upon feeling, it feels right. Anyone that attempts to dissuade or keep them from feeling "good" is discarded as quickly as the LBSer. Kids, family, and friends are all easy sacrifices for this new life. The new life that makes them feel alive.

In a way, I surprised divorce is taking this long. In another, it seems like senseless destruction is so much quicker than the hard work it took to build a sensible life.

I had the same feeling when I signed the decree and scanned it over. All the work we did in getting married and going and getting the license and planning our wedding. Building our home and having babies and watching them grow up. All over with a quick signature. Just really sad. However, this is not about you, the marriage, or the color of the car she owns. Something triggered some mechanism in her identity to have this desire for complete change. I wish I had the magic formula, a spell to cast, or a playbook to follow, but there isn't one. We have guidelines to follow, but just like every LBSer is different, so is each MLCer and that complicates things a lot.

So don't focus on the MLCer because it doesn't do anything and she doesn't want your help anyway. Focus on you and your recovery. That is under your control and enables you to regain your own sense of self. Four or five months in seems long and trust me, I was in complete panic and desperation during this time, but it does get better. The tears are good and will help you heal.

Have a great day and be good to yourself,

(((Ready)))

[WHY]

I often post that most of the MLCers actions are based upon feeling, it feels right.

I don’t know about this.  I’ve read some of the fog stories and the MLCers say they knew the difference between right and wrong.   And they went down the wrong path anyway.   And wasn’t it Acorn or someone posted in the last two weeks about a recon story where her H said that he knew he was making a big mistake but did it anyway??

It seems like they know it’s wrong and probably a mistake.  But they’re so compelled to pursue their new life and escape and avoid, that they feel they have no choice, or they’ll die. 

[Helpnewc]

I agree.

There is just the urge to run and nothing rational going on.
So many describe feeling they are in a movie.

But there is just nothing you can do.

[FrenchHusband]

I often post that most of the MLCers actions are based upon feeling, it feels right.

I don’t know about this.  I’ve read some of the fog stories and the MLCers say they knew the difference between right and wrong.   And they went down the wrong path anyway.   And wasn’t it Acorn or someone posted in the last two weeks about a recon story where her H said that he knew he was making a big mistake but did it anyway??

It seems like they know it’s wrong and probably a mistake.  But they’re so compelled to pursue their new life and escape and avoid, that they feel they have no choice, or they’ll die.

I agree with what you write. Songandance wrote something similar here

Regarding Acorn's post, maybe you are thinking about these wise words ?

[mcm64d]

This is fascinating.

What she told me early on was that her feeling was that she could not open her heart strings to be able to be my spouse again and that these feelings were facts.

I know feelings are not facts, but at this rate what is the difference. But it is the feelings piece that I see with ready's view on this. Not saying anyone is right or wrong, but merely fascinated with how that resounds with me....

And if someone on here can explain what a heart string is and how one goes about opening and closing, I'd be most interested.

[FaithWalker]

I believe that back in the day tendons were thought to be heart strings and that the heart strings are where the deepest feelings of love and compassion come from.  So then this became an idiom "Tugging on the heart strings" or "pulling on the heart strings"

[mcm64d]

Thank you FW.

Any thoughts on how one opens and closes them?

[FaithWalker]

I would say that emotional detachment is a big factor in opening/closing or not getting your heart strings pulled. 

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

[JohnnyBravo]

And if someone on here can explain what a heart string is and how one goes about opening and closing, I'd be most interested.

Under the cockles? Sub-cockular, if you will?

[UrsaMajor]

And if someone on here can explain what a heart string is and how one goes about opening and closing, I'd be most interested.

Under the cockles? Sub-cockular, if you will?

[mcm64d]

I agree with X, JB and FW......

As pathetic as I am about to sound, it was the first snow day that I actually had to get to work and it made me really sad. Usually, my xw would go overly concerned that I would even attempt to go to work and be concerned about how I made it. And now, of course, nothing. No care whatsoever.

I know it will be fine, and it is. It was just nice to know someone always cared, no matter what.

[JohnnyBravo]

As pathetic as I am about to sound, it was the first snow day that I actually had to get to work and it made me really sad. Usually, my xw would go overly concerned that I would even attempt to go to work and be concerned about how I made it. And now, of course, nothing. No care whatsoever.

I know it will be fine, and it is. It was just nice to know someone always cared, no matter what.

You're definitely not alone there... Although I can't say my ex-wife was THAT concerned, it was still nice to know someone cared. Heck, I'm wondering who's going to drive me home from my next colonsocopy! I don't really have any co-workers close enough to say that they're my relative... Strange little details like that just keep coming up.

[UrsaMajor]

You're definitely not alone there... Although I can't say my ex-wife was THAT concerned, it was still nice to know someone cared. Heck, I'm wondering who's going to drive me home from my next colonsocopy! I don't really have any co-workers close enough to say that they're my relative... Strange little details like that just keep coming up.

I took a taxi home....

[JohnnyBravo]

They specifically say “no taxis” here, presumably so you don’t get taken advantage of while drugged up. (And better ambulance-chasing lawyers in the US?) Although I don’t know how they control you once you’re out the door…

[xyzcf]

It is hard in situations like this. I have found though that friends are more than willing to help.

The after effects of the anesthetic is why they want you to have someone take you home and preferably stay with you after. After a dental surgery, I was happily chatting away saying all the things I was going to do when I got home. The dentist and my friend  were like "no, not going to happen". I fell asleep when I got home and didn't wake up until 11 PM. I have no idea if I had fed my dog or let her out, I fed her again anyway and as a Lab, she didn't mind.

The same dentist told me a story of a lady who went home and ordered $5000 worth of stuff from the shopping channel. She had no recollection of doing this until the stuff started to be delivered to her door.

Everyone responds differently to these drugs.

I find it difficult to ask people for help. Someone once said to me, how do you feel when you are able to help someone? I responded, I feel good. They said, then why would you deny someone the chance to feel good?

I hope you find someone Johnny. If you lived close by, I'd be happy to take you.

[mcm64d]

I will be having the same issue later this year JB. I would do Cologuard or whatever it is, but sending a box like that just seems so wrong.

i used to work at UPS in a previous life and I saw what those conveyor belts can do to packages when they jam. And then there's the poor driver. I cvan only imagine what he thinks when he sees the package......sorry I will have to stop here though I am smiling a bit....always good for the soul that!!

[mcm64d]

In a little more than 5 months.......5 months and one week. The house sold yesterday. Money wired in the bank. A purely empty feeling. I actually felt bad for the house being alone and empty. I know I am projecting a bit, but I did. A great house!!! I was very poor growing up. When I met my xw, I knew she was the one pretty early in the relationship. Put myself through the grind of college and CPA exams to build a better life for us.

It was where she felt like "a princess" and she told me so many times. I was so damn proud of what I accomplished, especially since I was able to provide that kind of feeling in someone else.

I told her I would find an employer that would help pay for college and I did. I told her I would kill it and I graduated first in my class while working full-time. She thought these things were amazing. I told her we'd have a great house and that we were in it together. And we were. And when she quit her job to go back to school only to later drop out, I was the ultimate of supportive. And now she looks back at our life together and says she can't find much good in it. And that its all my fault. The things she mentioned were mostly before all that life-changing "amazing" things I had done.

And then I feel bad for the buyers. We had a closing in person right before COVID. Something to really look forward to. Yesterday, it was an email. House sold. Kind of sad for them. But they are getting a great house!!!

I live right around the corner from that house. Thankfully, I do not have to go past it to get anywhere. I don't think I will ever be able to see it again. That pride has turned to sorrow. I will miss snow shoveling, lawn mowing, DIY projects that I was never all that good at . I will miss Lowe's.

And as I type my eyes are welling up. I think about that woman everyday, often for long periods of time. Thankfully, its my busy time of year at work, so I can get away from it for a while now. I refuse to be resentful. I forgive. Life is better for me that way. Easier that way.

I have no doubt that she will return. None. And I haven't heard from her since around Christmas time.I pray for strength and guidance and I am leaving all that in his hands. My therapist asks why/ how am I so certain and I don't have the answer. She then asks what will I do when she does return and I don't have that answer either.

A few others I have spoken to think I'd be crazy to even think about taking her back if that chance presented itself. After all the damage she has done.

And I don't have that answer. But I do know love doesn't just end. Marriage means something to me. Unless adultery (which is forgivable) or physical abuse I don't believe there is a reason for divorce. Richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part. I meant every single word.

Sorry I went well off the path of talking about selling my house there. Guess it needed to come out.

Thanjs for listening.

[Helpnewc]

It is good to let things out.

I had that certainty for so long. Sometimes I still do but I am at peace either way.

I love my wife. She does not love me. It is very hard. And it is ok to cry.

The not remembering anything good is part of the narrative required to exit. It does not make it true but it is very hard for the LBS.

Keep busy. Exercise. Sleep and eat. You are early in the marathon.

[UrsaMajor]

The thing is that, if they DO come back, have they actually done the work needed to get healthy from what caused the MLC in the first place? If yes, wonderful! If not, then the LBS is setting themselves up for a 2nd round of pain...

We (the LBS's) are worth more than being a back-up plan if the new MLC Life doesn't work out for them....

[Reinventing]

mcm64d, the tenacity and practical planning skills you showed--finding an employer who paid for college, working and finishing your degree, getting your hours in, passing the CPA exam,, getting a good paying job, buying the house--will serve you well now.

Selling the house is a hard part of this. Use those same skills to focus on you and your healing. It will help you feel better, step by step.

[FaithWalker]

mcm64d, the tenacity and practical planning skills you showed--finding an employer who paid for college, working and finishing your degree, getting your hours in, passing the CPA exam,, getting a good paying job, buying the house--will serve you well now.

Selling the house is a hard part of this. Use those same skills to focus on you and your healing. It will help you feel better, step by step.

I second this!

[mcm64d]

Thank you for the kind words.

Been swamped at work which is a good thing....

Called my county office yesterday to see where this divorce is in process. Apparently there needs to be an additional filing before divorce is final. Not sure what they are waiting on. Just want to move on already.

Been in contact with a friend I hadn't spoken to in a little while. Told her my xw has now disappeared and that it was a blessing. Her response- what did you expect, her to divorce you and keep in contact? And then she went on saying how unlike my xw this is as she is so usually level-headed. I am honestly dumb-founded.

Why is it people find the need to attack during all of this? Haven't I been through enough?

But it also stirred up how my xw claimed she still wanted to be friends because we have been for 15 years, why throw that away? Yeah well......

[JohnnyBravo]

Hey, mcm

How've you been doing?

[mcm64d]

Thanks for checking JB.

I am ok. Really busy at work with year-end financial statements for both US and International and our audit. I have been putting in extra hours, so by the time I am done work I have no interest in looking at another computer screen.

At the 6 month mark Monday. I did hear from my stbxw Monday. A relatively pleasant text asking me about the cat, of course with no salutation whatsoever for me,  where to send the check for the sale of our assets (I am shocked!!) that within the same text became the sewer company contacted her about payment of the sewer bill and is there anything else she should know about?.....

Why I responded I will never know but I did and told her that they were to mail me the final bill and that since she ask, I called the county the week before asking for a copy of the divorce decree and they informed me that the process needed some kind of final filing, so if she and her lawyer did not already do so to please do this.

Her response was a picture of the email from the sewer company. (As if I did not believe her) and saying that $202 was owed. I simply replied pay it and move on. I figure she will call and have them send it to me.

She then went on about how her and her lawyer had all of this process completed since October 9 (not true, but why argue?) and that she is confused why this is not done. I guess since the sale of the house almost a month ago, she got her money and that was for her the end. I responded not my problem.

To which she said apparently this is your problem since this is not final. I guess she wants me to do the work to get this final. My final response was you wanted divorce and that I was happy (reasonably after the way she had been acting coming up to BD) being married. Haven't heard a response.

When will I learn to not respond? Probably never

I have my sad moments. Last night after therapy, I was a mess. She supposes my wife simply fell out of love. Which I guess happens, but why all the nasty, cold, mean, often immature, actions, thoughts, words and texts? Why the flip-flopping on feelings? Or any of the other antics?

And I would almost prefer it to be MLC- the result is basically the same but at least I am loveable

And Jurgen Klopp announced he is leaving Liverpool Football Club at the end of this season. Liverpool has brought me so much joy, especially this season with all that has been going on. I just feel like its losing a good friend as silly as this sounds.


Otherwise, I have missed all of you and promise to be back soon. In fact, I am trying to promise myself not to work this weekend as it is supposed to be nice and I am getting tired.

Hoping everyone is as good as they can be through all of this.

Thank you JB!! Hoping all is as well as it can be!!

[KayDee]

I have my sad moments. Last night after therapy, I was a mess. She supposes my wife simply fell out of love. Which I guess happens, but why all the nasty, cold, mean, often immature, actions, thoughts, words and texts? Why the flip-flopping on feelings? Or any of the other antics?

And I would almost prefer it to be MLC- the result is basically the same but at least I am loveable

No disrespect your therapist, but on basis does she make her suppositions? Isn't she better placed to support you and your feelings. Is she listening hard enough? I am often tired after therapy, but rarely a mess. My therapist works hard to keep the focus on me (despite my best efforts to derail this  ) And it was really useful for me to hear her say 'what is true, is that you are suffering from the actions of a traumatised man' - she doesn't let him off the hook or allow me to make any excuses for him (which I haven't done for a long ol while now), but she does listen to what has happened and sees the crisis.

Well, I know you were fishing and maybe UM will throw in an appropriate gif, but of course you are loveable. You were loved by your W for all those years, and I expect by many around you. You are the one showing up with compassion and a desire to understand. If you love, you are loveable.

Keep soldiering on (Liverpool has enough cash for another great player  )

[mcm64d]

Hi KayDee....

He is not a player but a very charismatic, intelligent coach. But yes you are correct either way!!

I cannot blame my mess all on her, but yes she wasn't on her game last night. She is a little forgetful and I do nudge her on occasion. She truly hopes I never hear from my wife again and has been appalled by my descriptions of her past behaviour and reasons for divorce.

Thank you for your care. I'd like to think someone out there, IRL, would find me a nice person. I do try. And yes, I have flaws.

[mcm64d]

To journal....

Onto a new high today. Woke up and had a nice lay-in this morning. The first Saturday I have not gone to work in a while, so I decided to treat myself to extra bed time with the now world's most famous cat.

From there I did some heavy cleaning and laundry. I have forgone my meetup in Learning French to devote time Saturdays to cleaning. (Geist- take note- this from Treasur (paraphrase)- cleaning and scrubbing are terrific releases of negative energy.)

I love the feeling of my clean apartment and the pain of losing my house is slowly dissipating. Sets up my favorite thing about Sundays- having a day of rest at home with maybe some wine and definitely something in the oven or on the stove for hours creating such a beautiful warm feeling inside. Used to love this with my wife and again, that pain is slowly dissipating.

I love her. I miss her. But today I am not letting that hurt. Instead I am trying to focus on how great of a person I feel knowing that after all the pain and destruction she has caused that I can and do love her. That's the true difference. She has decided to focus on those negative things about me- some very real and others perceived or from so long ago it doesn't make any sense anymore, while I focus on her beautiful qualities.

One such- last year at this time my Eagles were in the Super Bowl and lost. (I am disliking American football more by the day- too many commercials and not enough actual playing). Anyway, she was more upset for me that they lost than I was. She bought me a few things to cheer me up in the weeks following. Very strange for a person who now claims she was wanting divorce for a while now.....

Trying on the positives today to see how they fit. So far, so good. Highly recommend this for everyone.

But then those here that know me best know the downs are on the way.....but I choose not to see them today. Maybe later this week or next.....

Hoping you all are as well as can be during all of this.......

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

She supposes my wife simply fell out of love.

There is a truth to the statement. However, she didn't fall out of love with you, she fell out of love with herself.

You never know what is going through another person's mind or feelings at any given moment. Having been on this planet for many years, I have begun to realize we all are close to the edge and all it takes are a few chemical imbalances and traumatic events to trigger our own crisis.

Think how all of this has impacted you and your world. Feeling as if you are not worthy of love. Been there too and the feeling is really awful. Just remind yourself that this is not about you. Your job is to recover and move forward. Trust me, there are lot of people out there and you will find another, but don't rush. Take this time to heal and as you clean, focus on your positives.

One such- last year at this time my Eagles were in the Super Bowl and lost.

Yes, they lost, but they played a great game. I am a diehard Broncos fan since I was twelve and learned all about football listening to the radio as the Broncos went to their first Super Bowl in 1978. They played terrible and proceeded to play three more Super Bowls losing each one in even more horrible fashion. It wasn't until 1998 that they finally delivered a Super Bowl win. Now the team is in complete disfunction and can't even make it to the playoffs let alone a Super Bowl. However, I am still a fan and will be looking forward to another year of misery.

But then those here that know me best know the downs are on the way.....but I choose not to see them today. Maybe later this week or next.....

We all will have our downs. It's one thing to feel as if you will be down forever, or you can work to create a win for you to pull yourself out of a down period.

Have an awesome day,

(((Ready)))

[UrsaMajor]

Yes, they lost, but they played a great game. I am a diehard Broncos fan since I was twelve and learned all about football listening to the radio as the Broncos went to their first Super Bowl in 1978. They played terrible and proceeded to play three more Super Bowls losing each one in even more horrible fashion. It wasn't until 1998 that they finally delivered a Super Bowl win. Now the team is in complete disfunction and can't even make it to the playoffs let alone a Super Bowl. However, I am still a fan and will be looking forward to another year of misery.

(((Ready)))

I knew there was something I liked about you!



I was in the High School Marching Band that played at the half-time show in Mile High for the AFC Playoff game between the Broncos and the Raiders in 1980.......

[mcm64d]

Six month anniversary of bomb drop today. What a ride this has been. Its finally, seemingly calming down externally....internally it comes and goes.

I really have the urge to be childish and rip into her today, congratulating her on her swift obliteration, udder destruction of everything I held dear. But I know it will only come back to hurt me worse. Very unfair.

[UrsaMajor]

I really have the urge to be childish and rip into her today, congratulating her on her swift obliteration, udder destruction of everything I held dear.

But I know it will only come back to hurt me worse. Very unfair.

Just like this guy.....


Don't poke the Monster....

[JohnnyBravo]

Having been on this planet for many years, I have begun to realize we all are close to the edge...

Grandmaster Flash is now inspiring my Monday, so thanks for that.

JB

[mcm64d]

So a new update from how this world turns....

I have been receiving a tom of calls on my cell the last two days from unknown numbers and a text addressed to my ex wife. Apparently she is trying to buy real estate (presumable with the proceeds from my house). I finally had enough, created a new bank account and transferred my savings into it and texted her that my social security number had better not be involved with whatever she is doing.

She replied it better not be....whatever.

Then went on to ask if she can meet me at my work to give me the check for the sale of our assets and to exchange back up keys to our cars. I said in no uncertain terms do I want her at my work and to mail the stupid thing. Also told her that she needs to get my number off of her business dealings.

I went further to tell her that its bad enough she yelled at me plenty of times for setting everything aside so I could work and go back to college to provide a better future and cited that as a reason for divorce and now she is reaping the benefits of it so get me off these dealings.

I also told her I did not deserve divorce but she already knew that. I know I shouldn't have contacted her and spewed but I could not resist it. I think I did things respectfully.

I will have to call the county next week to see where she is with whatever final filing she has to do to make sure this divorce gores thru. Sorry world... now back to your regularly scheduled programming!!

[mcm64d]

and a little more to be sorry about....guess it is just been built up so long....

she cannot understand why she has to mail the check, so I explained that her grandmother will not help me out, so I have no other choice. I told her (which is what she said to me after she MONSTERED big time on me) that I can be around her unless there is someone around to help me if she goes psycho. She is the psycho timebomb that is proud to have built a legacy on death and divorce.

After all that, she still says she cannot understand why she has to mail the check and will it get to me (I asked her to mail it to our old address as I will not give my new address)

Not sure why the constant question over and over but whatever. I am sorry to each of you for this. Not really the example I would like to be.

[KayDee]

In my most annoying child moments, my mum used to say, with great exasperation 'you'd try the patience of a saint' - sound familiar

Happy Valentines Day to you mcm and to the rest of us kind compassionate souls.

[mcm64d]

Thank you KayDee. Happy Valentine’s Day!!

Wish I had my therapist this week but she put me on every other. Need to vent this garbage to her.

And my ex told me that her father would be glad to meet me to get me this stuff. He didn’t want to help me in the beginning of this because he didn’t want to be in the middle. And now… he wants to be directly in the middle… I’m being petulant I know but it was good to vent and give her a piece of my mind. Will it do much else? Nope☺️

[mcm64d]

Made a big mistake and asked for my past 7 years' tax information which she took. She wants to give that to her father to give to me also. I told her last night that I do not want my financial information shared with anyone and to please send this stuff to her lawyer to send to me. My new address, financial information, and any other information should never be disclosed without my consent.

Know what she does today? Texts me that she is still trying to get me what I "need" (its the law and the checks are part of HER Property Settlement Agreement, but of course it is me being needy) and that her father would like to know a date and time to meet. Told her one final time that none of this information should be shared with anyone. Then I told her she is now blocked for a period of time because she is not respecting my boundaries.

She needs to go away for good......

[mcm64d]

So I have been feeling pretty good about venting stuff to her but now it’s eating at me that she is buying it appears to be a house with the money I worked so hard for. Just unfair. Wish I could get away from my roller coaster of emotions for a while

[JohnnyBravo]

So I have been feeling pretty good about venting stuff to her but now it’s eating at me that she is buying it appears to be a house with the money I worked so hard for. Just unfair.

Sometimes I hope my ex-wife quickly wastes her settlement on clothes and trips, and then realizes she'll be dependent on her sister for the rest of her life. Then I think, "But I worked HARD for that money, I don't want it to go to waste!"

(My ex was always pretty frugal... I have no idea how she's doing now, but there seemed to be some significant things she just didn't understand.)

Hang in there!

[mcm64d]

JB- Mine was frugal as well. She was free to spend as she wished as long as the utilities were paid.

Besides how hard I worked for it, I worry a little that she is immediately buying what I assume is a house. I know this whole process has gone by in a flash, from separated to basically divorced in 6 months, but buying a house immediately after selling one seems really warp speed to me. Maybe I am wrong?

Any and all opinions are welcomed and thank you all!!

[Hoosier Daddy]

My EW was frugal also.  I made 3X what she did and paid all the major bills. She used her earnings on misc stuff and to help her mom and sister.  Looking back I wonder if I made it too easy on her.  Since the D last year she bought a 350k home, spent 40k on renovations and has 2 new 40k vehicles while me and our sons all drive vehicles with over 200k miles on them.  She is trying to buy happiness.  Wonder if she realizes she has to pay gains taxes on all the mutual fund shares she sold?  Soon the cash will all be gone and she will need to access retirement funds to maintain her current lifestyle.

I get why you’re  angry.  You worked hard for this and she’s treating it like lottery winnings.

When I start to feel this way I just step back and think: I gave her the gift of financial stability while we were together and after she left.  I can’t control that she chose to squander it.

HD

[WHY]

It’s sad reading this.  My STBXW was also extremely frugal.  And she’s spending now like there’s no tomorrow. 

It’s sad to see. It really is.  She’s a different human being.   I hope she takes care of her lotto winnings from our settlement but I don’t have much faith. 

[mcm64d]

Buying happiness may well explain it.

That would definitely explain the speed at which she is doing things. Seemingly everyday I am hearing or reading that after x amount of years separated, divorce has now begun.

And here I am a little over six months since bomb drop and its separation, sale of house, divorce, and buying a house. I applaud her, I could never made all of those changes in such a short period of time.

I am sorry you are going thru this or have gone thru this WHY and HD

[WHY]

I actually view this as progress on your W's part because it's movement through her tunnel.  She's basically running through the tunnel at the moment.  I think RCR said something like the brightest flames burns out the fastest. 

Let her go.  The more check boxes she checks off that do not provide her with happiness, the closer she gets to her awakening.  New house, still unhappy.  New car, still unhappy.  New boyfriend, still unhappy.  The MLCer will keep going and going until they cant anymore.   Some tragically never stop.  This is their path.  Not your circus. 

[mcm64d]

Hi WHY,
Yes she’s gone. I still have not unblocked her number from last week and have no intention to do so. As far as I know she has no idea where I am. She could still email or use her family to get a hold of me but that’s it. I have no intention of reaching out.

If my money and tax records are not delivered in the near future I will reach out to my lawyer.

And I am ok. No major crying spells in recent memory. May start making some friends in the near future. Just trying to be the best version of me. The house, the money, the wife all gone….

[mcm64d]

So in the world of this seemingly never-ending saga I received a check from my mortgage company for an escrow refund. I had to write my xw a check to mail. Unbelievable.

And I guess I could have not sent it and kept the money. She never made a cent worth of payment on that house, but I did the right thing.

Still haven't received my taxes or the check I am do, and I am not letting that affect my morals.

Paraphrasing Mark Twain- always do the right thing; you'll gratify some and astonish the rest.

My word of advice for all those that suffer- don't let it stop you from doing good.... its a good feeling in the end.

[mcm64d]

Some journaling.....

So the last few months have been all about healing and trying to get a sense of normalcy. The xw's cell phone is still blocked and that's going well. A few odd dreams along the way. For instance, I dreamt the cat won The Amazing Race and won $17m. A few dreams of my wife trying to get back with me and me resisting it, which I actually find fascinating. Need to remember to discuss with my therapist. She has me down to every other or third week now, so I guess that is good. Working on things independent of divorce finally.

I have been keeping up with posts here and see a lot of new "faces". I apologize you're here but what a wonderful group this is!!

I have read a lot about whether MLC exists or is the cause of all our relationship issues and whether or not the odds are with us, against us, analyzing statistics and the such.

For whatever it is worth, just try to be you, the best you you can be. And get better in the areas you struggle. Be the best version of yourselves as you can. And if you do hope/ wish/ want/ or are trying to have some kind of a relationship with your spouse in the future, please believe in yourselves and your spouse. The odds are not in our favor but that's ok. As long as you believe and love and can accept that your best efforts may not produce the best results, then go for it!!

And conversely if you choose to cuts all ties and never speak or see them again, please be the best version of yourself and know that it's ok. Life does go on within us and without us- and that also applies to spouses. Again, believe in yourself and in love.

This is meant to be a non judgment zone and its difficult to be non judgmental sometimes when personal experiences are triggered. So please be you.

Enough of my sermon. Hoping everyone well and please feel free to reach out about anything you wish.

[mcm64d]

So I call the county to see where my divorce decree is and if I can get a copy. They tell me what they told me a month or two back- my wife has not completed the process. When I told her this the first time, she insisted that she and her lawyer had everything in place since October 2023. She also claimed to have called the county twice (I gave her the number I had called) and that all that was needed is for the divorce process to complete. She also was so kind to let me know that this was my problem.

I see no point in trying to tell her again that something in this process needs her attention, but I do not want to get my lawyer involved just because I don't want to spend any more money to finance her divorce.

Any suggestions or conjecture on why she's lying about this?

[FrenchHusband]

Any suggestions or conjecture on why she's lying about this?

Lying is common for our spouses during MLC (remember the UM statement about lips moving). And not doing the work on divorce is also very common. In the mind of our dear spouses, we are already "divorced" a long time ago. So why should they do something ?

[UrsaMajor]

Any suggestions or conjecture on why she's lying about this?

She is not necessarily "lying." She may truly think that it is all over and done. Her lawyer may have even told her that. My MLCxW was supposed to provide information on an employer for more than 15 months before the court wrote ME and asked ME to provide it. I wrote back to the court (copying MLCxW and her lawyer) that I never worked for said firm, MLCxW had worked there and that I had no information on them. Turns out MLCxW had expected the company to magically provide the information based on ..... who knows what because she never requested it or provided it but she just expected a miracle to occur by osmosis or something....

But she seriously thought it was all done and taken care of.... until my letter....

Your STBxMLCW may think it is all taken care of. Once the Court informs her they are dropping the action or she will be subject to sanctions, then you will likely see movement. You do not HAVE to do anything as it is not your divorce. You didn't file. You are the respondent.... She has the burden of action, not you. 

She is just too busy toddling off into La-La Land to be bothered to close the loop...

[mcm64d]

Thank you for your thoughts and I tend to agree except she told me she called the same place I have twice and they supposedly told her that the process just needs more time. Yet when I call, I get told that there is a step my wife has to complete and that I can visit the courthouse to find out what that is.

That's why I think she is lying. And her lying is not normal but then again.....

[WHY]

I cannot even begin to explain the way my W’s D process has been managed.  I won’t talk about it because my blood will boil.

A toddler could have done a better job managing things.  Honestly the behavior is beyond bizarre.  I’ve tried to make sense of it so many times.  I just can’t. 

What I know:

*I know she wants this D more than anything. 
*Yet she continues to take actions they don’t reflect that because the D process is being dragged out.  Some things would be so simple to agree upon.  Why argue over stupid things and stall?
*Then she lashes out at me when the D isn’t going anywhere.  And I keep saying it’s your D.  I’ll do whatever I’m legally required to do but I’m not gonna hold your hand and help you destroy our lives.
*Then I give up, say I can’t take it anymore, I will handle all the paperwork and push the D forward
*Then she makes the terms impossible to negotiate, so I can’t move forward, and I put pencils down, again
*Rinse and repeat. 

Been at it for over a year now and 2+ years into replay.

Why does a person behave like this?  There is no doubt in my mind she wants this D more than anything in the world.  She’s not conflicted.  Then why not just D. It’s makes no sense. 

The thing I keep coming back to is yes, she wants this D more than anything, but she wants it on HER terms, which are the alternative reality/fantasy land terms in her mind.  And there is no talking about it or rationalizing it.  They believe what they believe until a judge tells them otherwise.  And that’s why we are no where with this D.

I haven’t tested it yet.  But I suspect even if I agree to all the fantasyland terms she would STILL delay the process.  It would then be other terms that would pop up.  Just my gut feeling.

And if this is the case.  Then why does a person do this. Spend $60k in legal fees but not leave?  And continue on the war path with zero signs of slowing?

What explanation could there be, rational or irrational, to explain this. 

[mcm64d]

Wow that is quite the saga indeed.

[forthetrees]

You could email her lawyer directly to inform her/him of what the court said. That way you don´t get charged.

[UrsaMajor]

*I know she wants this D more than anything. 
*Yet she continues to take actions they don’t reflect that because the D process is being dragged out.  Some things would be so simple to agree upon.  Why argue over stupid things and stall?
*Then she lashes out at me when the D isn’t going anywhere.  And I keep saying it’s your D.  I’ll do whatever I’m legally required to do but I’m not gonna hold your hand and help you destroy our lives.

and HERE is where you should FULL STOP. Her D, HER responsibility. NOT your circus, NOT your monkeys.... If she wants it THAT bad, she has to accept the consequences that come along with it...

*Then I give up, say I can’t take it anymore, I will handle all the paperwork and push the D forward

So you touch the hot stove again?

*Then she makes the terms impossible to negotiate, so I can’t move forward, and I put pencils down, again

And, yep, it is still firetrucking hot.....

*Rinse and repeat. 

Then pull the power cord... Stop putting your hand on the stove burner...

Why does a person behave like this?  There is no doubt in my mind she wants this D more than anything in the world.  She’s not conflicted.  Then why not just D. It’s makes no sense. 

What does green taste like?

The thing I keep coming back to is yes, she wants this D more than anything, but she wants it on HER terms, which are the alternative reality/fantasy land terms in her mind.  And there is no talking about it or rationalizing it.  They believe what they believe until a judge tells them otherwise.  And that’s why we are no where with this D.

Of course... because the MLC'er is all about da Bass.... Me Me Me Me Me...

I haven’t tested it yet.  But I suspect even if I agree to all the fantasyland terms she would STILL delay the process.  It would then be other terms that would pop up.  Just my gut feeling.

Don't test by giving up things you are not willing to give up.... Because then, even if you don't reach an agreement, you are starting over again deeper in the hole than before....

Hey Doc, it REALLY hurts when I stab myself in the nose with this barbecue fork
Well then, why don't you STOP STABBING YOURSELF IN THE NOSE WITH THE BARBECUE FORK?

And if this is the case.  Then why does a person do this. Spend $60k in legal fees but not leave?  And continue on the war path with zero signs of slowing?
What explanation could there be, rational or irrational, to explain this.

What does green taste like?

[FrenchHusband]

What explanation could there be, rational or irrational, to explain this. 

Any suggestions or conjecture on why she's lying about this?

I have one irrational explanation to the irrational behavior. I don't claim to be a reference on this topic, so please take it with a big spoon full of salt.

We are dealing with 2 people in same body : the spouse whom is still married with us, and the inner child who is hurt and is in pain.
The inner child has been repressed during many years in the unconscious, she is now leading the body, the inner child wants to run because of the pain.
Our spouse wants to stay married, our spouse still loves the husband.

It is impossible to satisfy both personalities at the same time : if you give the divorce, the spouse will fight. If you stop the divorce, the inner child will fight.
Best solution is go out of this fight, the only person who can reconcile the inner child and the spouse is ... them.

So, with irrational explanation, I reach the same conclusion as Ursa Major.

[WHY]

What explanation could there be, rational or irrational, to explain this. 

Any suggestions or conjecture on why she's lying about this?

I have one irrational explanation to the irrational behavior. I don't claim to be a reference on this topic, so please take it with a big spoon full of salt.

We are dealing with 2 people in same body : the spouse whom is still married with us, and the inner child who is hurt and is in pain.
The inner child has been repressed during many years in the unconscious, she is now leading the body, the inner child wants to run because of the pain.
Our spouse wants to stay married, our spouse still loves the husband.

It is impossible to satisfy both personalities at the same time : if you give the divorce, the spouse will fight. If you stop the divorce, the inner child will fight.
Best solution is go out of this fight, the only person who can reconcile the inner child and the spouse is ... them.

So, with irrational explanation, I reach the same conclusion as Ursa Major.

I love this idea of the two personalities wrestling with each other to make decisions.   Which frames and explains their indecisiveness.  It’s perfect. 

[mcm64d]

All of this reminds me of something funny now, though at the time not so....

When she told me she wanted a divorce, she was concerned about the tax effects of selling the house. I told her to ask someone else because no matter what I say, I am always wrong. (I am a CPA, I  knew the answer but I didn't want to go thru the ridiculousness of her tearing into me if I told her that there is no tax effect...)

A WEEK after she told me she wanted a divorce, she asked me if I researched this. When I told her no, I was more focused on me and my self- care and that she was told to ask someone she would believe. She then accused me of stalling the divorce. (The divorce which wasn't even underway yet)

Now she won't take the steps to finalize it.....All this aggravation over something I never wanted.

Nice day out today. Hoping it is wherever you are in the world!!

[KellBell]

Honestly I think from the hours of therapy I've invested in for myself and husband, it's because deep down they are still conflicted. Their whole being is spiraling and they need a scapegoat- it's sure as heck not going to themselves. They are unhappy, unfulfilled, un-whatever and YOU are the reason why. But there is still a tiny voice, a minuscule slice of rational thought that says if you leave him/this marriage and you're still unhappy then who are you going to blame? That's fear and selfishness right there. It's easier to feel crappy and blame you than it is to leave, still be unhappy and then have to figure out why that is. Part of MLC is shedding responsibility and here she is doing just that. Taking action and dissolving a marriage is hard and it's adulting 100%...no MLCer wants to do that. I admire you for giving her the time and money to drag this on.

I get both sides- your divorce then you do it and then the other which is just give them the divorce. It's a gamble both ways and a not fun process regardless. Just know that people who 100% want a divorce- do it and don't waste time. Best of luck to you.

[mcm64d]

Thanks KB.

No gamble left. I paid a flat fee for my lawyer. Agreed to all terms of the Property Settlement Agreement she had drafted (including no alimony miraculously, which she herself said her lawyer thought was a "crazy move"), sold the house and split the proceeds. She owes me 50% of the house assets sold, which shouldn't amount to much, and I asked her to send me my taxes for the past 7 years.

She is fighting me on the last two. I asked her to mail it to our old address as I do not want her knowing where I live. She insisted I guarantee it gets to me, which I cannot do. I am not the US Postal Service. So I then told her to give it to her lawyer and let the lawyers work out the logistics. She refused to do that. The only way she will give me this is if she can give it to her father and have me meet him to pick up. Under no circumstance do I want anyone else having my financial information, so I declined. I have since blocked her number and have gone completely dark.

If/ when I decide if the benefit of getting my lawyer involved outweighs the costs, then I will put it in his hands. If not, then I will probably just call it a day and have my sanity in check.

[Happylight]

I have one irrational explanation to the irrational behavior. I don't claim to be a reference on this topic, so please take it with a big spoon full of salt.

We are dealing with 2 people in same body : the spouse whom is still married with us, and the inner child who is hurt and is in pain.
The inner child has been repressed during many years in the unconscious, she is now leading the body, the inner child wants to run because of the pain.
Our spouse wants to stay married, our spouse still loves the husband.

It is impossible to satisfy both personalities at the same time : if you give the divorce, the spouse will fight. If you stop the divorce, the inner child will fight.
Best solution is go out of this fight, the only person who can reconcile the inner child and the spouse is ... them.

So, with irrational explanation, I reach the same conclusion as Ursa Major.

Hearts Blessing writes about this concept--she calls it The Children of the Midlifer's Issues.  She basically has a similar concept.  I think it makes sense--maybe the concept of multiple personalities disorder was idea was orginally conceived from observing a MLC individual. :-P

[forthetrees]

I´m pretty sure you can ask the IRS for copies of your returns.

[Nas]

I´m pretty sure you can ask the IRS for copies of your returns.

You can. I had to gather copies of several years right after my former H vanished. As frustrating as it is to have to put in more legwork, this seems like the easiest option for you.

I also don't want to overstep, but I'm curious about your reason for blocking her phone number (it seems like maybe you've blocked and unblocked a few times? Apologies if I've read that wrong throughout your posts.) If you're blocking her until you're in a better place emotionally to avoid the rise of anticipatory anxiety that comes from not knowing if/when you'll get a text from her and what it might say, I totally get that. Otherwise, and again, I don't mean to overstep and I'm sorry if I'm wrong about the circumstances, but you might be hurting yourself more in regards to getting the stuff done that you need done.

Not telling you what to do, just a different perspective on the communication issues. Going dark doesn't necessarily require blocking, and blocking is sometimes what's needed for emotional wellbeing when an MLCer is being extremely combative or abusive, but is maybe less effective as a healing tool otherwise because, again, it's a direct action toward her ("I am blocking you") that keeps her as the focal point, as opposed to just going dark for yourself by not reaching out. At least until all the loose ends are tied up and you know you won't need to ask anything of her again.

[mcm64d]

Good to know since the only reason I want the last 7 years' returns is if I get audited by the IRS.....44

Nas- not overstepping whatsoever. As far as I remember, I have never blocked it before. I know I thought about it several times, but only now I have blocked it.

This was because I was at work and she kept texting me basically telling me the only way I would get these items was if her father could meet me somewhere. I dont' know how many times I  told her under no circumstances to have my financial information. After going around and around, I finally told her I was at work and couldn't continue this conversation since she was not respecting my privacy nor boundaries and so I am blocking your number.

Best move I made. I can get notifications on my phone and look at them knowing it cannot be her. And please do not misunderstand, she has my email addresses and has not tried to reach out.

The only thing I care about is getting the final steps of this divorce completed so I can move on. Finality and closure my therapist reckons. I really do not want to get involved since its not my divorce but I may if enough time passes. Otherwise, I really have nothing to say at this point. Hoping this answers your question. If not, you know where I am Thanks Nas. I appreciate you.

[mcm64d]

Just a bit of journaling.

This week I finally caved in and contacted my lawyer to help finish off the divorce process and get the money I am owed per HER Property Settlement Agreement. Just got really tired of hoping to see the divorce decree everyday in the mailbox and the having to call the county to see if she had done told her months ago needed to be done. Why she lied to me and told me that the county on numerous times told her it just needed to go through the proper channels is so frustrating but now its not a worry- unless she refuses to sign the affidavit.

All of this additional nonsense on top of a needless divorce over a freakin 2 page document........but thankfully I had the sense to move it on. Now up to her to sign.....finger crossed:)

Hoping everyone here is having as good of a day as possible.