[Helpnewc]

The reality is we were never going to get through Christmas without a blow up. Sadly, New Year’s Eve was it. I feel sad that we could not have one last New Year’s Eve together.

But she has agreed to go to her parents on 12 January. Apparently we never had a marriage or a partnership. I must have missed something.

It will be hard without the girls but it is progress. I have done my best. I am sorry I did tell her get f&@ked but that is the worst I have done.

[Reinventing]

H, it is tough. It will get better, but it is so painful until it's better. Hang in there.

[Helpnewc]

Thanks Reinventing,

It has been the longest 19 months of my life. I am hopeful things will improve when she goes although it will be hard with my daughters for a while.

You do start to believe the story they tell when they are here. The level of anger is hard to take.

[Reinventing]

Helpnewc, you might find it helpful to have things you say in your mind each time, repeating it when she rewrites history, blames you, or projects on to you. Just some simple ones that you say as mantras to yourself.

That's not my reality.
I don't own that.
I know that isn't true.

Or if you find the flip side of saying the same things more helpful:

My reality is different.
I am a good, decent person.
My truth is different.

[Helpnewc]

Thanks Reinventing, I do do that.

You just wish that somehow some truth would be seen by the MLCer.

It is such a difficult way to live.

[Reinventing]

One of the most important lessons I learned through this is that you can only control yourself. Second most important lesson is that thoughts and emotions are linked. So talk to yourself in ways that help your emotions, just like you're doing reps in the gym. I was actually relieved to learn this second lesson because I could DO something to lessen the pain, the feelings of worthlessness, etc.  It was my Thor hammer against the garbage I was mistakenly ingesting.

[Helpnewc]

Thanks Reinventing,
Positive self talk is key.
I get it.

[Reinventing]

Yes, and positive includes deflecting with a shield (best), and/or not ingesting garbage. Or, if garbage has been ingested, processing and digesting and passing it where it belongs (trash or sewer). Lol.

[Helpnewc]

It is just very odd. I have done my self work. I have fixed my fixing yet she has this compulsion to run from me at all costs.

It is quite amazing.

[Reinventing]

Even if you turned from a person with purple and pink dots to one that is green with yellow triangles, they will run. And compulsion is a good word.

They are attempting to run from their former selves, in their minds. Their former selves include you, so it's a package deal. To run/change themselves, they are rejecting who they were and that includes you. An innocent bystander. Doesn't make it any easier to live through, but it is actually not about you. It would have happened no matter who they married.