[jmnab]

Why are there so few reconciliation stories. Or stories where the MLCer wanted to come back but LBS had moved on?

Our belief is that vast the majority of MLCers don’t find happiness and hit some sort of rock bottom and want their old life back. But some don’t do the work and never return, but at least wanted their old life back.  Some keep running for the rest of their lives and never hit rock bottom.  Some hit rock bottom but never find the courage to rebuild. 

And then of course there’s the LBS.  who may have moved on.  Or not willing to reconcile. 

That said, how come there aren’t more ”attempted return” stories.  Or LBS stories where the MLCer wanted to come back but LBS said no. 

Is the truth that most of the MLCers never try to find their way back home?

I'm trying to image myself reconciling with my spouse after all I've shared thus far.
My guess is that for some, if they do reconcile they are so focused on making it work, they don't think about posting anything for fear ruining it. Or maybe they don't post because they want to try AND want to forget all of the garbage they've put up with? (no judgements from me - that is where I am 70% of the time) 

Fact of the matter is, if data doesn't exist, there's nothing to glean from it. We don't really have sample or population statistics to get an accurate feel for what actually happens. It's all very anecdotal.

[Nas]

In conjunction with the current discussion thread on detachment:

https://richwoman.co/the-power-of-non-attachment-unlocking-the-neuroscience-of-detachment/

[Nas]

https://psyche.co/ideas/i-rebuilt-my-self-esteem-by-changing-the-story-of-who-i-am

This article made me think about how what I say to myself about the end of my marriage has changed. How at first it was all about how I was unworthy and unlovable and abandoned and rejected, and then it was about how I ended up in the marriage in the first place, and how I lost myself in it. And now it’s about who I am. The first story was all about him, and as I took my story back, faced all the hard truth and made the story about me, I actually felt better about it. Not because I prevailed, but because I realized that the “MLC” story, or even the entirety of my marriage to a narcissist doesn’t get to be the defining story of my life. It’s one vignette, albeit the longest and most significant one so far, in my life story that includes a whole bunch of other stories that make up who I am - and some of those stories are pretty damn cool.

(I think deeply facing the ugly reality of my story for me is the function that time plays/has played. “Time heals all” imo is the most complacent of all platitudes. Time has never healed anything for me. It creates a distance from the pain so that the emotional response to the memory is dulled. It can create an illusion of being healed, or even “forgetting”… Until something related or unrelated triggers that old pain and it comes back even stronger. Simply getting on with life and pretending to be fine is not healing. It is pretending.)

As traumatic as this is, it is one part that makes up each of our stories. It doesn’t have to be the entire story.

🎶 https://youtu.be/xgFHo-Fhi28

[Nas]

Some really interesting stuff in here in terms of GAL and dealing with the unexpected pivot of life after BD:

https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-stop-living-on-auto-pilot-by-picking-goals-that-matter

Unlike MLCers, we know that we probably can’t have the exact life we want but we can make changes for ourselves. It’s not about living the absolute dream life. I will never travel the world living in various hotels, I’ll never get to Iceland or New Zealand. Hell, I’ll be lucky to ever get to a where I can spring for the good coffee, lol. But good coffee is SO important, so that’s a goal.
I like the idea of picking things you can do right now, not years from now, so it’s about finding small things, things that will make today good, or at least more tolerable. A lot of things seem impossible, but small things can help…

🎶 https://youtu.be/JzZ-Mgi1My4

[Treasur]

Just had an example of that - went with a friend to see a film called ‘the Taste of Things’ with Juliette Binoche. Remarkable film, really extraordinary and lovely in ways I can’t quite describe. And feel blessed to have seen it. A real joy. (Perfect if you like food, traditional French sensibilities, or a little later in life romantic feeling. Would recommend eating before you go though or you’ll feel very hungry after about 10 minutes lol)

[Nas]

That sounds wonderful, I love Juliet Binoche. I’m a big fan of the boldness of French cinema. As an undergraduate, I was working on a creative project about artists and their cars and became very immersed in the films of Jacques Demy, who is amazing.
Interestingly, a French film from the ‘80s that left a deep impression on me is one about a woman in midlife crisis. It’s called “Kung Fu Master!” (don’t be put off by the title, it is not a movie about martial arts lol) It stars Jane Birkin, for whom the original Hermes Birkin bag was named, and it really is an interesting portrayal of a woman in crisis.

[Nas]

“Because we can reconstitute memories and this affects neural pathways by reinforcing or abandoning them, we can change our identity by changing our stories of ourselves.”

For anyone interested in the subject of identity, this is an interesting read and provides multiple great jumping off points for some exploration and discussion:

https://3quarksdaily.com/3quarksdaily/2024/03/on-identity-erikson-freud-and-sartre.html

🎸https://youtu.be/scif2vfg1ug?si=VduVKXzrUqokwtLD

[marvin4242]

“Because we can reconstitute memories and this affects neural pathways by reinforcing or abandoning them, we can change our identity by changing our stories of ourselves.”

Thanks Nas, one of my favorite directors created this incredible movie that captures exactly this idea amazingly. It is not about MLC, but it is about the reinforcing narrative of identity and storytelling, specially within a family or a person. Who better than a story teller to tell this story? I do not recommend it if you are in a delicate place mainly because it is very emotional in a lot of ways. But if you want to watch this read nothing about it beforehand, trust me.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stories_We_Tell

[Nas]

I really admire Sarah Polley also. It's a funny thing to think about "truth" in storytelling. It's impossible to arrive at an exact truth for everyone. Even when we tell our own stories, it's our truth. Universal truth really doesn't exist.
I try to think about interactions that really impact me in a way where I wonder what it would look like if someone presented this back to me broken up into narrative sections shown from the perspective of each person involved. So after a hard conversation or an interaction where I feel hurt or angry or disappointed, I imagine being presented the story where one section is told through my perspective, then the entire story is retold from the other person's (or persons' if there's multiple people involved) perspective(s). This is of course flawed for multiple reasons, the most obvious being that I don't know the other person's truth, but at least for me, it helps me to see over my own walls, as it were. It's been an interesting exercise at times, asking how would seeing/hearing/knowing their story change my story, if it does? Sometimes considering what I don't know about another helps me learn more about myself, if that makes sense...

🎹  https://youtu.be/SsKyxkfj8ak?si=x3ivHc0Q6W5P-MC4

[Nas]

I meant to mention this yesterday in regards to “truth”, but The Affair is a show that really was cathartic for me to watch after BD. It’s a show about a man going through a midlife crisis that covers more than a decade of his journey. It’s not a masterpiece by any means, but it’s super interesting to see so, so much of what we have all encountered in our own experiences with MLC. It employees the narrative style I mentioned of telling the same story from each person’s point of view (it’s called Rashomon). I think I’ve probably talked about it here before but I also just mentioned it to someone IRL and it made me want to come back and post.
Rashomon effect is so interesting because you see each person’s perspective that differs because of their individual biases, background, psychological states, etc. So sometimes when we ask “why can’t they see x, y, or z, it seems so obvious” it can be hard to remove ourselves from our version of the story. Watching The Affair at the time I did was actually comforting because I employed the same technique to my real life - by stepping out of the confines of my own perspective and considering how the same story played out for my former H, the OW, it became less about me, less personal. It didn’t make it any less destructive. And in fact, trying to consider the situation from the point of view of the two people who did what they did without any consideration of me was at times deeply painful, but also healing. And I’ve continued to find that helpful in other difficult situations.
Anyway, just wanted to pop back here and mention that show. As I said, it’s not a masterpiece by any means and the last season falls apart because one of the main actresses quit unexpectedly and they had to alter the storyline. But especially the early seasons, a lot of things will ring so true for those of us who have lived through this experience, and I found it particularly interesting to watch it through the lens of the man having the crisis.