Thank you all for the hugs and love.
At times, it almost seems pointless to update. Obviously with a Vanisher, theres not often anything to say. And with my city being in full lockdown since November 23rd, I LITERALLY cannot GAL. I guess there are some updates though.
BD was on the 16th. I was speaking to someone on that day, and the topic of my ex W came up. I had distanced myself from this person as my Ex made a point of telling me that L supports her, and wants the best for her, and "nananana boo boo". This was before MLC script, so I of course was taken back that someone that I looked up to as a parental unit, someone who was my "family" for almost 20 years, would support the choices my W had made. And so I figured I would step back and let her actions show if shes supportive of me or W or both. Needless to say, we didn't remain in contact much throughout the past year. This woman is my best friends mother, and she took me in when my mother wouldn't let me move back home after I dropped out of university.
So we spoke and I brought up that I took a step back because of what ex W had said. Well she was taken aback because that was absolutely not how the conversation went, at all. She sent me a screen shot and it read "Not sure what's happened between the two of you, and I am absolutely sorry to hear about things. As you know, LBS_Les is like a daughter to me, so I will always support her and be there for her. Im so sorry things ended up this way between you".
Then, I forget how it came up as I was drinking beers on BD night, but she apparently was recently in touch with my Ex W, for reasons I am unsure of. She sent me the screenshots of those and it basically read, "We all end up on a journey at some point in our lives. Im glad you have found happiness with your new partner. LBS_Les has been on a journey this year herself, and she has a strong following behind her, and huge support system. Im glad you have found happiness, I truly am" (Not sure why she wanted to say that, but I digress). So my Ex W responds to the lines of "What we had was genuine, and I know you know that. But the truth is, I tried for a really long time to make it work, and it just didn't. Im glad she has a support system behind her, shes lucky to have you all in her life"
EFF YOU. This obviously sent me in a rage that night, and still makes me angry to this day. You tried? You tried nothing. You couldn't even let me know you were working late because it was too much work to tell me that you would be working late, or not home for dinner. I didn't ask for much, I asked for the bare minimum, and she couldn't give it to me, so to see her STILL spinning such a $h!te narrative, hurts and angers me. But it mostly disappoints me since shes still balls deep (literally now that theres OM) in the fog.
So I call my mom to unleash my fury and we end up on the phone for a few hours. I get off the phone and notice my group chat is popping off the charts. Well, our friends had their baby, the night of BD. That was enough to break the emotional levy that I had been trying so hard to keep propped on that day.
The next day, I awoke and had a couple of revelations. Amazing how clear the mind is once you put the Michelob Ultra down LOL. I realized that the universe brought this beautiful baby in the world so that I could reclaim the day. So that I can remember the 16th not as BD, but as the day this sweet boy was born. I realized that my emotional reaction to the conversation I had with my parental figure friend, was just showing me that I still have wounds that need healing. That I'm not as detached if I am hurt and worked up by her continued rewrite of history, lies and fake happiness. And so I made a vow to myself to address those issues. To get back into my routine of looking after me, finding joy in things I like. Its been hard being locked in an apartment all day and all night, only getting out for groceries, or to walk my dog twice a day.
I used to heavily trade stocks. I made a lot of rookie moves and blew up my account, and have been making some safe investments in an untouchable fund, to try to regrow my savings. I decided that I had a bit of disposable income this month, so I threw some into my day trading account, and made a point of planning what I want to trade, and strategies on how I will do it in a way that encourages slow growth. And that paid off when I decided to buy into Gamestop. If you dont follow the markets, you won't know, but basically, the short squeeze of the century is brewing, and Im finally on the right side of a trade. (Friday it closed at $65/share and at one point today, it hit $159 a share). No, Im not a millionaire. I had a plan and I stuck with it. So I sold off my initial investment, and am still holding remaining shares that I topped up on when there were some wild dips in price). I also got into another successful share, stuck with my strategy and closed my position for a 30% profit. Rome wasn't built in a day, and I dont want to hit the jackpot because of Divorce, but small growth is in the plan and on my radar. I enjoy the technical analysis of how a stock moves, or implied moves, so its been a good distraction.
I've also shifted into trying to be a lot more positive in my energy. I've been positive with my thinking, but I do ruminate on things with my ex W, and that attracts negative vibrations. So now, when I play scenarios in my mind, find myself having imaginary conversations, I stop myself, close my eyes, go to my chasm, and say affirmations that are related to my positive space, growth, healing, energy. Basically, I choose to channel my energy to myself and all the positive things I deserve and will receive, as a means to stop thinking of her. Naturally, I still think of her, but Im getting better at discipline in how LONG I ruminate on our situation.
Not much else on the other fronts. Things with S are meh......Im starting to detach from her too - not because of my fear of abandonment, but because as I work on myself and build my value (like stocks, she's highly undervalued right now, and her opportunities are endless - she is me), I realize I am not going to settle for less than her "hey how are you?" texts when shes bored.
I was talking to another friend the other day, and she told me that someone I met back in the fall at her party, had asked my friend if I was single because (in her words) "She's soooooo good looking, and I would totally be down for that". Naturally, shes a straight woman - WHY ARE THE STRAIGHTS ALWAYS ATTRACTED TO ME ?!?!?!?! LOL. Im in no position to be involved with anyone (she's also not my type), but it felt nice to hear that. But it just confirms that one day, when I am ready, the opportunities will be endless.
And lastly, I have had a lot of connections with acquaintances (verbally due to lockdown), and they have all said kind words to me about my journey and my growth. Most of them didn't want to "broach" the subject with me but I guess after my W went public, they decided it was time to let me know that I am a badass b!tc#.
So, I have lots to be thankful for, and for that, I am. I express gratitude daily, for a multitude of reasons.
The road to healing is windy as firetrucking hell, and at times, I wish for the waves and pain that comes in those waves, to end. But I am grateful that I am experiencing them, because each wave has an underlying lesson for me to learn.