Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: Watcher on July 10, 2021, 04:38:13 AM

Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on July 10, 2021, 04:38:13 AM
Hi UrsaMajor,

Well she is also gaslighting S18 regarding the dermatology treatment I learned the other morning at breakfast. She is trying to convince him that there never was a problem and she has shown him old photos of himself as proof of evidence.

So I know its gaslighting and I just listen as S18 does seem to be figuring things out on his own. S18 says he has had the issue since he was 12 yrs old so I accept his truth. He did tell her the photos she presented are heavily filtered.

She has that winners and losers mentality. She always has to win even when it comes to our kids and their dermatology treatment. So do you see how screwed up she really is in her head. She sees something like acne, in this example, as a failure as a mother and she cannot accept it. Just one more failure on top of all her other imaginary failures in her head.

Plus I'm sure it doesn't help matters that I am the one organizing the dermatology treatment since I'm supposed to be on team losers. Afterall that is why she got rid of me, lol.

I worked late last night and S18 texted me at 7pm wanting to know when I was getting him, lol. So maybe I will have to go back to working a half day on the Friday pickup. I arrived at his house at 930 pm just in time for a thunderstorm so he had to wait inside until 10pm.

Our weather patterns have been 100 degrees during the day followed by a hurricane each night this week. He was hungry ,of course, so we stopped for pizza, which he never eats, but it was late and he was hungry. So my parent guilt says to take a half day at work next time.  ::)

Today is 3 meals Saturday. OMG. The pressure. Overall its part of the grander 6 meals weekend with a sprinkling of activities. He used his new travel bag and I swear he must have packed bricks.

The weather looks good today so I will wake him up at some point as this looks like a road trip day with meals of course. And, yes, I will have to wake him up since I do not like to leave at noon. Do you know the pressure of having breakfast and lunch within 1 hour, lol. Breakfast at noon followed by lunch at 1pm, lol.

Enjoy your day everyone

Thanks UrsaMajor

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11774.0
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Seahorse on July 10, 2021, 06:19:13 PM
Watcher -
Regardless of what your wife thinks, you are taking (great) care of your son.  And that is all that truly matters.  I'm sure your son is beginning to figure that out by this point.
The weekend sounds great, and yes, 2 meals an hour apart sounds challenging.

If you can swing half day on Friday - that would probably be great.  I'm sure S18 would appreciate it.

Enjoy your weekend with him.

Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on July 10, 2021, 07:29:23 PM
Hi Seahorse,

This morning S18 was up early. He said he has no control over his sleep patterns.  ::) So we had an early start for hiking.

We went to High Point State Park where we went on a moderate 4 mile hike. I have to say, though, this place is more impressive in the Fall when the leaves are changing colors.

I did see the black 🐻 warning sign so I did tell him we could drive to the summit, however he insisted we hike. We found many similarities with Wharton State Forest where we kayak which is probably a 3 hour drive away.

He wanted to know if this was part of the Pine Barrens. We did see many pine trees but I have found them to be indicative of northwest NJ. We also did find a creek that had the same tea colored water that is native to the Pinelands in South Jersey.

Apparently this is one of the rare instances where the American White Cedar is found on a mountain and hence the distinct tea coloring of the water. This cedar bog is the remnant of a glacier that became trapped in the mountains.

The view from the summit is beautiful as this is the highest point in NJ and it sits right on the Pennsylvania and New York borders. Temps were in the 70's with humidity on an overcast day so I would say the weather conditions were ideal.

The redtail hawks put on a nice show once one arrives at the summit as they just effortlessly glide within view. The trail was also covered in blueberry and blackberry plants which is also indicative of most hiking areas in NJ.

He slept for the most part on the drive home. We did stop for lunch. He did surprise me when he nonchalantly told me that the prodigal S21 would be returning home soon as he has had enough of Florida. ;D

So tomorrow I will wait and see what time he wakes up. Sunday is usually a practice driving day as we stay closer to home.

Have a good night.

Thank you Seahorse
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Dumbfounded on July 10, 2021, 08:33:19 PM
Sounds like a fun hike today.
MLCers are such a hoot with thier win/lose mentality. Oh you must be wrong about how you felt. Here are doctored pictures to prove you didn’t feel that way.  :P  What a joke.
Good thing you are getting it sorted for him now.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Seahorse on July 10, 2021, 08:33:44 PM
Sounds absolutely beautiful Watcher.
Glad that you had some time together with S18.
Enjoy driving practice tomorrow, and perhaps you'll get to see S21 soon.

Sea
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Treasur on July 10, 2021, 09:26:34 PM
Gosh, you describe your hikes so beautifully, I can almost see it.
And the Berlin trip sounds like it is going to be fab too. Oh yeah, and a marathon  :) plus a beer with the Big Bear, from the sound of it which is worth the trip on its own!

Your xw has normalised a lot of crazy s$it for a long time imho, hence your son being so nonchalant about telling you that S21 is returning....he has no idea of how you feel or what is normal for father’s and sons, I suspect....and that this isn’t it. Aargh, guess it is just another example of OPs Time being the thing  ::)

I hope that means you will get to see your other son too, Watcher. Being of a more jaded MLC bent now, I am also supposing that this might mean that xw’s Florida plans have changed and that she/they think the house is going to be available for them all to live in for a while longer.....any update on it being sold? Bc, of course, in many ways it is the last thing preventing you from getting a home of your own and rebuilding a more stable new life for yourself I assume? But idk....maybe you no longer care about the house issue as you once did or your plan has changed?
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: UrsaMajor on July 12, 2021, 12:31:22 AM
OK, I had to laugh about the packing bricks comment because D30 actually did something like that when she was D12.... She came to visit (she must have been.... 12?) and I ended up having to pay excess weight fees for her suitcase.... When she got to Colorado where I was at the time, I picked up her suitcase from the belt and it was freaking HEAVY!

I looked at her and asked, "What did you pack in here? Rocks?" and she laughed and said it was presents for me and her grandparents...

Later, when we got home, she unpacked and gave us the presents... Yep, you guessed it... ROCKS!  She had painted ROCKS (BIG rocks) and brought them from the East Coast.... It was really quite sweet but it gave a whole new meaning to the rhetorical question about packing rocks in a suitcase...

On the subject of the gaslighting, Mid-Lifers seem to have this innate need for competition too in order to make themselves look good (at least in their own eyes) and they are not afraid to rewrite history to do it. I suspect that they have so much innate guilt over the stuff they have pulled, despite all denial of responsibility or accountability, that they find other ways to make themselves look good, including faking photos and so on in order to provide "proof" that they were still the "good" one - you know, the "Winner."  ::)
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on July 12, 2021, 06:24:37 PM
Hi UrsaMajor, Treasur, Seahorse, Dumbfounded.

Yesterday S18 woke up at noon so we got off to a late start. I really didn't push him to get up early since we were only going to practice driving. The driving school car is much smaller than mine says S18 so he prefers that one now as he can maneuver it easier.

So S18 drove for an hour and he probably is getting bored of it since he knows how to drive now. He needs to practice parallel parking but he says he will do so with the instructor and the smaller car.

Afterwards we went for lunch and then I took him clothes shopping as he continues to wear the same clothes. I asked him if he needed more shirts and he said yes. I think he just doesn't have enough Summer clothes.

He stayed late last night and I dropped him back home around 10pm. He announced at dinner that his mom was picking up S21 at the airport so there was no rush to go home. So his mom appears to just feed S18 piecemeal information.

On Saturday S21 was set to return "soon" and on Sunday she was going to the airport to pick up S21. She was home when I dropped S18 off but I have no clue if S21 is really back home.

I knew S21 would grow tired of Florida. Neither boy wants to live there. S21 was gone for 3 months.

I don't think she brought S21 back because of the house situation. She does see me spending money on S18 so maybe she wants me to do the same with S21. We will see what happens.

Well the home sale appears to be dead in the water at the moment because she doesn't want to sell it. So its going to cost me another 5-10K to force her out of the home through the court.

She has been difficult since she was served so I know this is going to drag on for a bit longer. Tonight I was able to attend Kickboxing and tomorrow night I will have dinner with S18. Yes at some point this will have to progress forward as we do need to sell the home now in order to sever our ties.

So we will see.

Have a good night

Thank you
Title: Re: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Thunder on July 12, 2021, 08:14:58 PM
Watcher please do not think the sale of the house is dead in the water.

You had a court order for her to sell the house if she could not buy you out, by March of this year that she agreed to.
I seriously don't see this costing you a lot of money.

All you would need to do is..file a contempt of court for her failing to perform per the agreement, failing to agree to perform per the terms of the settlement.   If she is refusing to place the house on the market.  She is in contempt of court.

All your attorney needs to do is file a motion with the court alleging that your ex is refusing to comply with the terms of the agreement.

From what I understand Contempt is an inexpensive action as far as litigations go.

I truly think she just thinks you will forget about selling the house so she can continue living there rent free.

It will be interesting to see how things go with S21 returning and what all she will expect from you.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: UrsaMajor on July 12, 2021, 11:52:36 PM
Seriously.  xW had a deadline that she agreed to in court. She has failed to abide by the agreement and failed to even attempt to provide an alternative. She is simply now in contempt.

I agree with both you and Thunder that xW is using S21 as a sympathy card at the moment and that she is probably expecting that you "forgot" about the agreement. However, what xW "expects" from you is totally irrelevant. What matters is your R with S18 (and S21 if he so chooses) and the interactions with them. xW can go take a long walk off a short pier.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Treasur on July 13, 2021, 01:25:21 AM
My concern is more for you, Watcher, Re the house...fwiw I would suck it up and do what you have to do or you will be financing the home of three dependent adults ad Infinitum with the odd hand grenade drama.
You deserve to put the last connecting strands of this terrible time behind you.
You deserve to have a home of your own where your sons can come of they wish.
You deserve to live well and even more fully without having to deal with anybody else’s crazy.
You deserve your freedom from it all, Watcher, truly you do.
Jmo.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Dumbfounded on July 13, 2021, 10:16:19 AM
Watcher you need to file a motion with the Court to enforce the sale of the house.  You need to ask the Court to have xW pay your attorneys fees as it is her breach of the original agreement that has led you back to the Courthouse door.  This needs to end for everyone's sake.  There are three grown adults living in the house for goodness sake and your life is in a never ending holding pattern.  Enough.   
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on July 13, 2021, 10:28:43 AM
Hello,

Quote
Watcher you need to file a motion with the Court to enforce the sale of the house.  You need to ask the Court to have xW pay your attorneys fees as it is her breach of the original agreement that has led you back to the Courthouse door.

Exactly, the legal fees all should come out from her proceeds of the sale. Now she pays for your attorney.

Have a good day and so glad that you are having a positive impact on s18

((((Ready)))
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: UrsaMajor on July 14, 2021, 01:53:44 AM
(https://media.giphy.com/media/26FmQhhLuzpIJm2re/giphy.gif)

Replace "Sonny" with xW and there you go ...

Or, as Auntie Entity in Mad Max - Beyond Thunderdome put it "Bust a Deal - Face the Wheel"
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Dumbfounded on July 14, 2021, 10:36:06 AM
Exactly. Nothing personal. It is just business darlin'.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on July 14, 2021, 08:12:45 PM
Hi Dumbfounded, UrsaMajor, Treasur, Readytofixmyselffirst, Thunder.

So yesterday I went to pickup S18 for dinner and he did not reply to my text therefore I went home kind of annoyed because I could have went to kickboxing if he would have told me we weren't going out.

He texted me an hour after I was home and apologized. He said he forgot and his phone was downstairs. Meanwhile his brother was also coming home. So maybe he was at the airport with his mom, idk. Maybe his mom wanted me to take S21 out to dinner.

He seemed a bit panicked and immediately asked if we could go out tonight instead. I did say yes but I pushed the dinner time back as I already had plans to goto kickboxing. Yea I have people always looking for me over there and its been difficult scheduling.

S18 has this thing where he wants to try a new place to eat out now on dinner night. He wanted Chinese food and we ended up finding a really nice sit down restaurant that served hot tea with the meal.

S21 still does not talk. He is polite and says hello and goodbye. He also answered some questions about his meal. I asked him nothing about Florida. He is in his own world. He did seem to enjoy the tea which was served in a nice teapot.

I think S18 looks forward to going out to eat as he was already planning the next 2 weeks.

Its almost like she is presenting our 2 son's to me. Here they are. They need your help now. Meanwhile she is the problem who caused their problems.

Have a good night

Thank you
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: UrsaMajor on July 15, 2021, 01:25:11 AM
Its almost like she is presenting our 2 son's to me. Here they are. They need your help now. Meanwhile she is the problem who caused their problems.

Exactly right.... "I broke 'em, it's up to you to fix 'em."  Luckily, S18 seems to have a bit more internal drive to do his own work and get out form under her than S21... S21 also just got back from 3 months of Super High Intensity Training or Cult Programming a la Bat Snot Crazy Sr aka xMIL so he's probably going to have to be "unindoctrinated" for a while....
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on July 16, 2021, 05:47:30 AM
Hi UrsaMajor,

Yes her latest Florida plan failed again and I'm sure she was the impetus behind S21 coming out for dinner on Wednesday night and getting S18 to act aloof on Tuesday night with his "forgetfulness".

My initial thoughts at dinner were, don't put too much on me xW because I will just withdraw. I have no clue what we are going to do with S21 but I know I'm not fixing her mess.

The dermatologist emails/texts me twice a week about S18's bill. IDK why I would pay it since they haven't even filed the insurance claim yet. Meanwhile I just remembered to schedule his next lab test. The whole dermatologist scenario is enough on my parental plate right now.

S21 is going to have to do more than just come out with S18 and I for an occasional dinner. He is going to have to come out with us on the weekends if I am going to have any impact on him IMO.

His hair is long and he wore sandals and he had his earbuds in the entire time. He is just floating through life right now. He absolutely has no direction.

They both forgot something in my car the other night so I returned it yesterday. I texted S18 on Wednesday night and he responded 4 hours later at 1:59am finally. He must have turned off his computer at that time and went to bed.

So there is no quick fix and I know their mom wants that quick fix. I cannot undue the damage that she has caused and I will not overwhelm myself in trying to do so.

Yesterday I sat in 2 hours of traffic after work and went to kickboxing. Afterwards I stopped by their house to return the boys items. She was not home and S18 did answer my text. Then I went home and finished out the night with a migraine.

The heat has just been oppressive. There are always storms at night. Traffic has just been a nightmare and I chalk it up to everyone just breaking out from their covid isolation. Meanwhile it seems like I'm always at work.

So I just learned that Brooks Ghost 14 launched. Now I jumped on the Brooks bandwagon late as I'm a Brooks Ghost 12 and 13 member. And now 14.  ::)

So hopefully I will be able to run this weekend in between the 100 degrees and the ⛈. I have to be running by 8am and I will see how long I can go.

Enjoy your day

Thanks
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Dumbfounded on July 16, 2021, 09:18:49 AM
This heat is terrible. You are getting the storms up North. Down here in the South we get nothing - just dead grass and flowers because there is not enough water in the world for this hot. I had to hose the doggie down before our evening walk last night.

I totally agree. Do not overwhelm yourself trying to pick up after the mess she made.

Stay hydrated out there!!   
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on July 17, 2021, 12:23:08 PM
Hi Dumbfounded,

Oh our grass is sooooo green.  :) S18 does not walk the dog in this heat. However, he has done a great job with her and he reports that she now walks carefree without any need to stop. She also grabs her leash when she is ready to go and she gives him a hard time when he is leaving the house without her.

I was interrupted as the heavens have opened up and I had to save my car from the flood, lol.

This morning I went to run along the canal and started at 730am. Many other people had that same idea apparently. The humidity was around 76% and I read afterwards that anything over 40% is really not ideal.

About 1.5 miles into my run I ran into a group of angry Canadians blocking the tow path. Yes, they may have been geese but they were Canadian nonetheless.  ;) Apparently they had not heard that the borders have reopened and they can now go back home.

The woman in front of me turned around as she said she was scared. There were about 12 adults and they formed a wall while hissing. So I did the manly thing and turned around myself and ran in the opposite direction.

I did watch some YouTube videos when I returned home focusing on when Canadian Geese attack. Yes I made a good decision as those things can be relentless in their attack.

I ran in my new Brooks Ghost 14 as today was day one of long running. My target was 10 miles this morning and my clothes were dripping wet by the time I finished. My legs were sore as I haven't run long in awhile.

So my next long run will be on Friday as I try to reach 12 miles. I will have a brief 3 mile run probably on Tuesday. Yea I was finishing no marathon today as my clothes grew heavy in drenchness. I will also mix in 3 kickboxing classes for cardio as I am trying to cut down on the running since the long runs require more endurance.

When I got home there was a program on TV and they were standing at the Brandenburg Gate. Ooh. LOL.... If the rains finally stop falling I will either bike or hike tomorrow as bicycling is a good alternative to running.

S18 cryptically texted me yesterday asking for the driving instructor's number for "just in case he calls". LOL, I know S18 was supposed to arrange his next 2 appointments and he probably doesn't want to tell me that he lost the guy's number.

Enjoy your day everyone

Thanks Dumbfounded
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: OffRoad on July 17, 2021, 01:33:19 PM
Bwa-ha-ha. Good call on the Canadians.....those geese can be very dangerous.

How did you like your Brooks Ghost 14s? Better, worse, the same? I used to run in ASICS (a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away), and then one year they changed my favorite model (cumulous) and put more padding in. I could never wear that model after that because it caused my foot to sit higher and with narrow heels, I'd just step right out. I think I had to switch to Nike, but broke my ankle shortly after so don't really recall. That ended my running career (ankle was set incorrectly and my only choice was to have  the break cut apart and recast. The Dr recommended against it due to the proximity of the break to the joint). Do the 14s feel any different?
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on July 18, 2021, 04:26:20 PM
Hi OffRoad,

I still prefer the Ghost 12's because it feels like your foot is locked and secured in the shoe. The Ghost 14 does have a lot more noticeable cushion. They do discontinue each series after the new one launches. So right now the Ghost 13 is on sale and once they are gone then they are gone.

Oh one could still find the odd Ghost leftovers/ ugly colors on Misfit Island but I don't buy those. Usually they no longer offer my size anyway as everyone buys them up before they land on Misfit Island.

I love the Ghost series but they also have to have some cool color schemes to get my attention. This pair is all gray with blue and red outlining so it caught my eye. I jumped on it because once my size sells out then I am out of luck.

However, Brooks Ghost 13 (lime green) will be going to Berlin this year, as long as, they still have the marathon.  ::)

Today I finally went cycling, that is the professional term, lol, with the GT mountain bike that I brought a few months ago but hadn't had the opportunity to use. So I discovered this bike came with a Presta Valve which is quite annoying because I had to go buy an adapter valve so I could use an air pump.

Most bikes usually come with the standard Schrader valve. So I had to buy the Schrader valve adapter. Yea, IDK why they made this inconvenient. Oh you know there is a MLCer exec working at Presta Valve that came up with this nonsense.

So I went back to the canal for day #2 and cycled for 11.5 miles. Thats about my limit as I find it to be very taxing on the thighs. My thighs are worn out. Thats the equivalent of running 4 miles roughly and its amazing how running and cycling affect the legs differently.

Today the Monarch Butterfly was everywhere, as was, my favorite parasitic plant, the dodder.  This plant is really bad news, however it looks cool. It looks like an orange spiderweb that just happens to kill everything in sight, but its orange and I like color.  ;)

Its probably just a bit misunderstood I'm thinking. I also saw the spotted latternfly which also has a cool color scheme of red, white and black. However, you have to kill that sucker because it destroys trees. That one got away so NJ is about to go through deforestation now along the canal.

So in conclusion, a lot of death out there along the canal today, but a nice day overall, lol.

Enjoy your day

Thanks
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on July 20, 2021, 09:24:04 PM
On Monday I took a day off from exercise as I had to do laundry before I went to work. I also needed a rest day anyway.

On Tuesday morning I started at kickboxing at 7am. I don't like going that early only because my ankle is not always awake at that time and I felt the arthritis creeping in a bit but it cleared up during class. If you throw a round kick it straightens out the ankle. I'm up at 6am anyway so its not a burden to drag myself to class sometimes.

I'm working my late shift this week so Tuesday was supposed to be a lunch with S18. My schedule changed and it has me working 2 shifts back to back so it opened up my Wednesday evening. I texted S18 on Monday and gave him the lunch or dinner options and he chose to go out for dinner on Wednesday instead of lunch on Tuesday.

I'm off on Friday and the weather actually looks decent for a run at 82 degrees with 50% humidity in the morning. I have to try 12 miles for that one. I would have liked to run a quick tempo 5K midweek but I can't find the time so I will settle on 2-3 kickboxing sessions going into Friday's run.

I'm supposed to see S18 this weekend but we haven't discussed it yet. If he does come out this weekend then it will be the usual hiking or kayaking which are low tempo activities and are rest days for me.  ;)

The heat is still oppressing me. I went to kickboxing then showered. Then I mowed the lawn and had to shower again. No I could not mow the lawn in sweaty gym clothes. That would be just nasty. So I formed new sweat.

I have to finish out this now Wednesday shift, go to sleep in a few hours and then we will have dinner and see what S18 has been up to since last week.

Have a good night
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on July 21, 2021, 08:03:11 PM
Tonight I picked up the boys after kickboxing. S18 entered the car and I said ,wow, when I saw his face, and he replied excitedly, I know. So there is noticeable improvement after 2 weeks of treatment with the dermatologist. S21 also joined us for dinner.

S18 chose a steakhouse for dinner. Last week at the Chinese restaurant the menu was extensive and I caught myself with trying to help them order their food. I was going to point out where they could find their usual dish choice but backed off. They eventually both surprised me and went with something different.

S18 has been to a steakhouse before with me so he knows his cut preference and the way he likes it prepared. Meanwhile, S21 seemed lost with the menu tonight as he chose a chicken sandwich. I explained to him that he had to try again. ::)

He didn't understand the cuts and asked me to point out a few things on his menu. He eventually settled on baby back ribs.

S21 announced that he received his first vaccination shot and I was happy for him as I know he has been concerned about covid. However, my skeptical side feels his lying, cheating, scandalous mother is up to something most likely by having him vaccinated while not bothering to vaccinate S18.

Now S18 is not interested in the vaccine in all fairness. However, his mother is still scandalous regardless and she is always up to no good in my book. I can't really ask S21 any questions as we don't have that type of relationship so I just congratulated him.

S21 had his earbuds in again but he looked comfortable and S18 is just beyond comfortable at this point.

S18 is coming out for this weekend and I invited S21. He says he has plans this weekend and maybe he does. I really wouldn't know. He does wear the earbuds however he does answer my questions when I ask. I just asked about his dinner and the vaccine.

Neither one of them is really a dessert fan.

Now I started thinking during last week's dinner how this going out to eat is really not financially sustainable in the long run. Once I have my own place to live I think it will be impossible to continue since divorce is designed to cripple one of the parties. In this case I am the party the system tried to financially cripple.

Now there really is no more family. I have son's but there is no family. I am now a single entity who would like a relationship with his son's whom happen to live with their mother.

S21 is emancipated so I have no financial obligation to him, however I understand he is still my son. Meanwhile I have a financial obligation to S18 and I really hope he is emancipated soon because I can't stand his mother who has conned the system to work in her favor. Then again, maybe she didn't con any system. It just automatically worked in her favor is more accurate.

I really will not be financially free until that child support ends and hopefully it will soon.

On the flip side there really is no financial heavy lifting as I am just enjoying my time with them as I do recognize I waited a long time to break them out from captivity.

I'm satisfied with the dermatologist endeavor ,as well, with the driving school, eventhough S18 and I have to find out about his next appointment.

I just don't know what happens come September when they should be in school or maybe have a job. Do we still go out for dinner once a week and do I stay on this every other weekend schedule with S18.

Currently its the Summer so my answer is its the Summer. Its normal to go out and do things. I think September is going to feel different if we are still acting Iike its the Summer ,though, and they are not moving forward in their lives and they are at home playing video games.

I do see the positive growth with S18, and I've only been divorced for 7 months now, so I guess I just continue to navigate things as we are in this father/son's rebuilding phase.

Anyway they are just thoughts floating in my head.

Have a good night
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: OffRoad on July 21, 2021, 11:19:39 PM
Well, some dinner's out are more expensive than other dinner's out.  You might have to limit the expensive ones.  ;)  Or start stretching the dinners to once a month. It's great that S18 is having good luck with his skin. It's nice when effort is rewarded.

Each state has it's own suckage factor when it comes to divorce. If we hadn't tried to save our marriages, some of us would have come out of this better off financially. We do the best we can with what we've got. It sure stinks though when the kids live with the person who blew up everything and the one who tried to save it all has to pay for it.

I hope you get to keep enjoying your time for now.  Sounds like the boys are getting comfortable.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Dumbfounded on July 22, 2021, 09:49:53 AM
The kids and I allot for one expensive meal per month aside from birthday and special occasion meals. Otherwise, we stay cheaper with pizza or a fast food option. California Tortilla is my new favorite place.  But the summer gets kid of crazy with the food and the sun and the fun.     

"Now there really is no more family."  I disagree - you and the boys are family together with your Mom.  You don't need some woman to make it a family. You are there with your boys making memories and addressing their needs - that is what family does. 

Congrats on the dermo success and driving school and cheers to S18 being beyond comfortable with you.  That is a big deal.   

   

 
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: UrsaMajor on July 23, 2021, 02:00:07 AM
"Now there really is no more family."  I disagree - you and the boys are family together with your Mom.  You don't need some woman to make it a family. You are there with your boys making memories and addressing their needs - that is what family does. 

Congrats on the dermo success and driving school and cheers to S18 being beyond comfortable with you.  That is a big deal.     
EXACTLY! It may not be the traditional "family" but it is still a family with you and your sons... No need for another Sour Pineapple Queen to spoil the fun...

Family are those that stick together to get things dermatologist appointments done and driving school completed... THAT is family... What xW does is not really "family." At best, one might call it a bit of caretaking but nothing more than that...
(https://media.giphy.com/media/249HnqKvOomiHHbacr/giphy.gif)
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Dumbfounded on July 23, 2021, 07:44:41 AM
Oh Lordy, don’t let a Sour Pineapple Queen ruin all your fun times!! Lol!  ;)
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on July 24, 2021, 06:35:59 AM
Hi OffRoad, Dumbfounded, UrsaMajor.

The other night I was at dinner and I thought it was just so strange how S21 could go away for 3 months and now he just tags along to dinner. When I say he doesn't speak that means he really doesn't speak.

I almost couldn't believe he shared that he received the first vaccination shot. He said "oh I will be safe soon" and then I followed up with a question. Naturally I asked him which vaccine and he didn't know so I could tell he was flustered because he didn't know, therefore, thats why I don't pester him with questions.

I picked up S18 last night and the dog was out on the front lawn so S21 came to retrieve her. He didn't say a word which is typical. I don't take it personally as I really believe he is just lacking in knowing how to be social in any sense.

Sometimes I'm out walking in this bubble since I primarily am by myself and I can be stumped when someone approaches me because you get used to being alone. With S21 I just think he has it 1,000 times worse. He was retrieving the dog and he really is not aware of his surroundings.

Its like when I asked him that question at dinner. It was ,as if, he wasn't expecting to be addressed.

Neither one of the boys really has friends and its only going to get worse now because they are out of high school and increasingly becoming more isolated living with their mom. This is where I get mad at her. What on earth is she doing with them ?

These 2 boys are so socially backwards and I even think I was myself while living with her. Unfortunately S18 talks about his mom in a normal way. So ,I know, he is not going to get away from her. He talks too normal about her like someone would about their mom.

I took S18 away for a weekend of hiking, kayaking and exploring. I figured I should be taking advantage of our time together and offering him something a little more than he has had in the past 6 years.

I hit my 12 mile run mark yesterday and now will increase it to 14 miles next weekend.

Enjoy your day everyone

Thank you
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on July 27, 2021, 02:01:23 AM
So the weekend went fine as we hiked on Saturday, kayaked on Sunday and went to a wildlife refuge on Monday. S18 was up each day at 8am on his own and we pretty much were on our way by 9am.

I could tell he was growing tired on Saturday as we went hiking, then lunch, and then explored 2 waterfalls afterwards which did not require much walking since they were pretty much by the roadside. The earlier hike had been 3.5 miles roughly.

So we were back to the hotel between 4-5 pm which is standard for him. That's his going out limit. Now its not like I run him ragged. He needs his computer time badly I guess.

We had takeout for dinner as he wasn't leaving once he got back to the hotel and I did take a nap I noticed so maybe I was tired myself.

On Sunday we went kayaking and I noticed S18 texting away so I thought to myself that had to be his mom. We were on the water for 2 hours as I know that is his limit. We went out to lunch afterwards and then attempted some exploring but he started to be a teenager and it was starting to annoy me internally.

He mentioned how he had hoped his mom wouldn't be angry with him for staying an extra day, so I asked him why would she be angry. I asked him if he had let her know where he was going and when he would be home and he said he did.

I asked him how did she respond and he said she said it was ok. So I asked him what was the problem. He then told me, "you know she likes to change her mind". So I'm thinking he grew cranky because that was his mom texting him while we were kayaking and maybe she was bothering him.

It was also very humid out to go along with his crankiness so we went back to the hotel and that was fine. We would have takeout for dinner again and he was fine once he was back with his computer routine.

Now I did think maybe it was his gamer friends texting him, however he didn't play with anyone over the weekend that I noticed. I even commented to him why he hadn't been online with his friends.

On Monday we went to a wildlife refuge which was primarily designed to be 90% driving with 10% walking. He does take an interest in seeing animals. The dog greeted him upon his return home. So the weekend began with the dog barreling out the front door on Friday night and it concluded with the dog barreling out the front door on Monday night.

We will see each other for dinner on Wednesday night as I thought it best to place a day off in between. IDK, he keeps coming out with me so I haven't scared him off yet I guess.

He is really a pleasure to be around and I wish I could get his brother to join us. He said he will remind S21 about dinner on Wednesday.

S18 is by far way ahead of his brother in maturity and growth but he still does have a lot more he has to overcome.

Enjoy your day everyone
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on July 27, 2021, 06:36:16 PM
Today I called the driving school to find out when S18 is scheduled for his next appointment. Now I wanted him to handle his remaining 2 appointments, however he asked me if I could call and talk to the instructor.

Yesterday he made a mistake while ordering his lunch. The boys do speak for themselves while ordering their own food as I do not speak for them. I realized he made a mistake and for some reason he didn't want to correct it until we had left the store and he explained his order mistake to me in private outside.

I went back into the store to order him another sandwich as I knew he would need more to eat. So I am surprised by his hesitancy at times as I do view him as the more take charge son.

My family was asking me about what we did and they laugh because I always have him on the run. Yes and I will keep him on the run.  ;) My primary job is to get him out of his bedroom and expose him to the world.

He noticed earthworms while we were hiking. Now that's not something that I would necessarily get excited about but he did seem excited about them. Now I have gardened and seen your garden variety worm. These worms had legs and did look cool, lol.

S18 does take out his phone to take photos like I do. We found a snail 🐌 with a cool looking shell. He also found frogs. Yea his eyesight is better than mine for those ground creatures.

The Great Blue Herron was everywhere and that bird just looks majestic in flight with its large wingspan and its legs that sort of dangle. It looks like a teradactyl.

I know he has enough clothes now, so he must not pack properly. We did have 2 white Herron stop our car and stood in front of us ,as if, they were Bison in Yellowstone before they flew away. White Herron have the S neck while a Crane would have a straight neck I learned.

So I advised him that his next driving appointment will be on Sunday. I went to Kickboxing today and I'm hoping to get 3 more days in depending on my commute home. We are supposed to have dinner tomorrow night.

I have a 4 mile race on Saturday and I do have to attempt a 14 mile run this weekend so maybe I will just add 10 miles to that race or just knock it out on Sunday. This 4 miler is all hills so I will see how my legs feel.

This will only be my 2nd organized race this year. Jason Aldean is scheduled for next Friday as I try to beat the Covid resurgence. The media is really putting a damper on Germany and the Marathon with all these variant reporting.

Common sense said don't remove your face mask when the CDC said to. Now they are going back to the face mask. Well I knew not to listen to the CDC and kept wearing my mask because I didn't want to take any unnecessary chances.

Society is fully open so what did they think was going to happen. Stay away from people and you will be just fine.  ;)

So we will see how dinner goes tomorrow.

Have a good night
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: UrsaMajor on July 28, 2021, 05:02:29 AM
Actually Watcher, don't believe all of what you read in the US Press, especially ones like Faux News... They are making it sound like Plague Central over here and Germany has some of the lowest infection rates in Europe with 15 new cases per 100K people across the country. Some of the bigger cities are in the mid-30's per 100K people so it is a big deal here but, in the grand scheme not so much, especially if one is fully immunized.....

As long as you are either immunized, recovered or have a current (less than 48 hour old) negative test, it is all good...
Title: Re: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: marvin4242 on July 28, 2021, 09:26:29 AM
Actually Watcher, don't believe all of what you read in the US Press, especially ones like Faux News... They are making it sound like Plague Central over here and Germany has some of the lowest infection rates in Europe with 15 new cases per 100K people across the country. Some of the bigger cities are in the mid-30's per 100K people so it is a big deal here but, in the grand scheme not so much, especially if one is fully immunized.....

As long as you are either immunized, recovered or have a current (less than 48 hour old) negative test, it is all good...

Data is the one thing that is always very useful in these issues over "opinion," fear and misinformation. Germany has lower death/100K pop than US by a good amount.

COUNTRY        CONFIRMED       DEATHS  CASE-FATALITY DEATHS/100K POP.
                         
United Kingdom     5,771,732           129,591   2.2%   193.90
United States         34,603,919   611,414   1.8%   186.27
Germany                 3,766,501           91,592   2.4%   110.18

https://coronavirus.jhu.edu/data/mortality
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on July 28, 2021, 06:05:18 PM
Hi UrsaMajor, Marvin.

Well we are down to 60 days now until the Berlin Marathon. The Berlin Half Marathon will be held on August 22nd so that should be a good indicator for how things will go.

Apparently Berlin has been hosting smaller running events since July 8th and this running pilot program concludes with the marathon on September 26th. It looks like it will be run.

Now the marathon is part of my after marriage goal of completing all 6 World Majors so IDK if I would go to Germany if they didn't run it. Well I've continued to wear my mask indoors just for Germany because I didn't want to take any chances. So I will be more excited once we get through August.

Tonight S18 gave me the "I forgot it was Wednesday and already ate excuse" as I was in front of his house. He asked if we could go out tomorrow night. Initially I said yes, but I then changed my mind and said no as I do a lot of running around to make this happen.

This is the 2nd time now in recent weeks where he has "forgotten". So I told him we could try again sometime next week. He either forgot or his mother is playing games as she was home and she maybe looking to regain control and power.

Next week he actually has doctor appointments on Monday and Thursday so that maybe our contact as I work nights and there will be no dinner. So maybe a breakfast on either day instead.

Next Friday night I also have a concert so I will not be picking him up and if he has another driving lesson next weekend then I will just tell him to stay home as it wouldn't make sense just to get him for one day.

So I am actually tired today and I'm headed to bed.

Have a good night
Thank you
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: UrsaMajor on July 29, 2021, 05:44:52 AM
I'd lay my money on "fun and games" rather than "forget." 18 year olds can eat like horses and it isn't like you don't have regular days that you go out with him....

Fighting back against "Mommy Dearest" is probably pretty tiring and sometimes they just go the path of least resistance... At least the doctors appointments are covered so he knows you are still in his corner...
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on July 30, 2021, 03:44:15 PM
Hi UrsaMajor,

Well it probably is a combination of both S18 and his mother. I went to the gym instead so I was fine with missing dinner. I was able to get 4 Kickboxing classes in this week and tomorrow I have a 4 mile race that is all hills.

Sunday I have to extend my long run to 14 miles as the temps are going to be good this weekend. I'm running less to conserve my energy for the long runs and ,so far, it has worked with the 10 and 12 mile intervals. Next Friday I will move it to 16 miles. Usually my problem area is 18-22 miles.

Overall July was a pretty lackluster month with only 11 gym classes and 4 runs counting tomorrow.

I was reading tips on how to not stand out like an American in Europe. No baseball caps. Well how on earth am I supposed to keep the sun off my face. That may give me away. No white sneakers and no white socks. No problem for me as I have neither.

I also read no shorts, lol, well I'm going to fail that one for sure. Don't be boisterous. Well I will be by myself so I can keep my obnoxiousness level on mute.

Oh the sky is still falling in the United States. It's all doom and gloom this week. England seems to be rebounding from delta so hopefully we will also have that good fortune in a few weeks.

Well as I was driving home from the gym tonight she texted me. She said, this is my new phone number and then added her full married name.

Well I knew it was her obviously as not that many people have my work cell number. So IDK why she needed to include her married name, lol. Totally unnecessary. We do not talk to each other so I really don't need any of her numbers. That's not a good sign. She wants something. I instantaneously felt the disturbance in the universe. She would be Darth Sidious in my story. The Dark Side.

Cue the music of The Empire......

Have a good night

Thanks
 
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on July 30, 2021, 04:47:35 PM
What a beeoch ! So she texted me a conversation between herself and S21 that they purportedly had yesterday. Apparently S21 had a Dr appointment yesterday. S21 asked his mom, "oh are we still going to the Dr". "Isn't dad picking us up today". She replied, no he is not.

Wow laying on the guilt trip Darth Sidious. I was turned down by S18 for dinner on Wednesday and I did not feel like making plans for Thursday night.

Meanwhile if S21 had a doctor appointment on Thursday then how could he go to dinner. So I have to conclude that Darth Sidious is not too happy with me.

I don't have S21 phone number or I would text him. He never responds to the number that I have listed for him. She is some piece of work that one.
Title: Re: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Thunder on July 30, 2021, 08:06:48 PM
Watcher just put it behind you.   Darth Sidious strikes again.
I would completely ignore her.

Next time, if you set up a dinner time, just let S18 convey the message to S21.
Doesn't need to involve her.

You were right though, she did have something to upset you about.  You read her like a book.   ::)

Have a good night!
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on July 31, 2021, 04:00:31 AM
Hi Thunder,

Well I don't miss getting up at 5am for a race.  ::) So she texted again this morning. S21 stayed over a girl's house last night with 2 other male friends. She named the people, as if, I would know them. I think he has known the girl since grade school. A little strange at this age I would say. Whatever.

So now she wants to improve S21's quality of life to help him with his self esteem. So she wants to have him get gastric bypass surgery. She wants my thoughts. Well my thoughts are get active and lose the weight naturally. She always wants the quick fix.

Also, S21 needs his driver's license. So it probably will be a few days before she settles down again I would think. I'm not sure why she can't get his driver's license since I took care of S18's. Oh maybe I should ask about the home sale. That might get her to retreat, lol.

Enjoy your day
Thanks
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Treasur on July 31, 2021, 04:24:20 AM
Quote
So now she wants to improve S21's quality of life to help him with his self esteem. So she wants to have him get gastric bypass surgery. She wants my thoughts. Well my thoughts are get active and lose the weight naturally.
And I hope you said just that, Watcher.

Quote
I'm not sure why she can't get his driver's license since I took care of S18's.
And that.

Quote
Oh maybe I should ask about the home sale. That might get her to retreat, lol.
Sure it would
But wondering what your goals are now. Well other than ignoring her attempts to bait you into more of the same nonsense.  :)
Do you want to force the house sale now? Do you have plans to buy a home of your own? Not sure where you’re at....but, admirable as it is, perhaps there is more to your next life chapter than running or the odd dinner with ‘forgetful’ son/s if you are ready for that now?
Title: Re: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Thunder on July 31, 2021, 06:27:45 AM
Watcher I personally would not engage with her.

Sounds like she is in one of her manic modes again and is just throwing things out there to get you to involve yourself again.

She has S21's health insurance and S21 is an adult...so basically they do not need your permission to do any surgery.  Your thoughts would mean nothing because she will do as she pleases like she always does, just like with sending S18 to that private school you were against.

As far as him getting his license. why tell you that?  She can just sign him up for driving instructions, or he can, just like you did for S18.
No need to involve you.

Let her mania run it's course and just ignore her.

Any reputable surgeon who would do bypass surgery, on a healthy 21 year old, with out asking him what life style changes he has made first (like diet and exercise) would be a pretty poor surgeon in my opinion.

But again it's all out of your hands.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on July 31, 2021, 04:46:17 PM
Hi Treasur, Thunder.

Well today my 4 mile race went well. The course was hilly as advertised through rolling countryside with about 250 participants. This would be my 2nd race this year and I did better than my July 4th run which was a flat course. No humidity today and the temps were actually nice so that made a huge difference.

Tomorrow rain is scheduled to start around 11am so I have to be up early to get my 14 mile long run in. IDK yet if I will have the legs after today so we shall see. It is much better running with other people as it pushes you to run faster.

I was thinking she was motivated to text me impulsively because S21 spent the night platonically at a girl's house. So she came up with the weight issue and surgery because she wants him to have a girlfriend IMO.

Its her typical reach for me to solve a problem. She wished me all the luck with helping S21 obtain his driver's license and lose weight. She dumped the boys in Florida in April and it didn't work so she continues to avoid all responsibility of them while asking me to carry it now.

S21 needs to find his own motivation just like S18 did. S21 needs to walk everyday and the weight will come off like it did for S18, their mom and myself. I will talk to him when or if I see him.

If his mom had really been concerned then S21 would have been out with us last weekend as she knew where we were going. Furthermore I'm pretty sure S18 tells her everything we do, like hiking.

So her contact with me was probably spurred by this female friend who he has known for years. She didn't ask me, hey are you free to take him today or this weekend to get outdoors. When can you see him. Nothing. She was just assigning me some responsibility.

So I think she maybe quiet now.

Have a good night
Thanks
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 01, 2021, 03:24:51 PM
So today was my 14 mile interval along the canal on a nice day with low temps and humidity. This was one of those runs where I questioned why I decided to go with running. There were so many more options, lol.

Well training is all kinds of boring. I enjoyed yesterday's 4 mile race much more. I used 3 gels for this one and I positioned my car at mile 10 for a water stop as I cannot carry water to save my life while running.

So now I will run my 16 mile interval on Friday morning as I have the Jason Aldean concert that night. He is playing with Hardy, who I have already seen, and I'm not that into him. He is ok. The 3rd act is Lainey Wilson and she sings "Things a Man Outta Know" and I like that song.

S18 was scheduled to have driving school today so it must have went well as I did not hear from him nor the school. Tomorrow he has lab work so I will ask him how things went when I see him.

This is a breakfast week as I work nights and S18 has another appointment on Thursday morning. So we will see if S21 joins us.

Enjoy your day
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: UrsaMajor on August 02, 2021, 05:59:38 AM
Thunder made an excellent point....

Gastric Bypass surgery is normally reserved for the morbidly obese who are unable to loose weight any other way. It is a MAJOR surgery that is NOT like having one's boobs lifted or something and it has life-long repercussions. It's not something one does for "self-esteem issues" because that is NOT going to "fix" the underlying issues. Getting the dead butt off the sofa and moving, becoming more active in real life instead of behind a computer screen, etc. THAT is what resolves the underlying issues, not having one's stomach made artificially smaller and filling it with crap food anyway...

I have a friend from High School who had it done due to the fact that her weight was causing other major health issues and, yes, it did work wonders for her. Her health has improved greatly, her mobility is greatly increased, she is no longer Type 2 diabetic, etc., etc., etc but it has also been a long, hard slog for her. She has to be very careful about her diet (still - years later) because not everything that can be eaten has a "beneficial" result.

By the way, just something to think about - it IS August so it really is about time for her yearly manic episodes to kick off.... She's tossing the spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks...
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 02, 2021, 08:29:32 AM
Hi UrsaMajor,

Well she contacted me on July 28, 2020 and I didn't notice that text until Dec 2020. So maybe it is that time of year since she contacted me on July 30th. I always attributed it to the approaching school year but she does seem to be seasonal, especially since there was no reason to give me her new phone number, as I never reach out to her. Hey look at me Watcher, I'm over here, lol, kind of thing.

Oh I agree S21 just needs to exercise. I picked up S18 this morning and he filled me in a bit. First, S21 was not upset about missing dinner. S18 said his mom likes to exaggerate. She woke S21 up this morning but he decided not to join us so idk why she is pushing him.

S21 had a foot procedure on Thursday so his toes are bandaged and he can only wear sandals so he is not prepared to do much walking yet anyway. Apparently she ran out of bandages already and that is why he remained home.

They discovered a mouse in the house yesterday so I'm just going to have to move back home. ::) I explained to S18 to make sure the basement door is closed as that is most likely how it entered. He said his mom was doing laundry yesterday and left the door open.

His appointment went fine however they had a difficult time finding his vein as it took 3 jabs to draw blood. His face is really clearing up nicely so the process seems to be working. We went to a diner afterwards for breakfast. He did mention that his driving lesson went well yesterday and he needs to make his final appointment with the instructor. Apparently the instructor had been calling him but S18 would not answer because he didn't recognize the number, lol.

Upon returning him home, his mom and the dog were outside, so he had to exit a moving vehicle as one just cannot be careful with these ex spouses nowadays.

So we will see each other on Thursday for his next appointment and breakfast.

Enjoy your day everyone

Thanks
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: OffRoad on August 02, 2021, 09:00:35 AM
You know, it's not just "get off your butt and move". If S21 is stressed, he can exercise till the cows come home and he may or may not loses weight. Each person reacts differently. IMO, make the goal activity and healthy eating rather than losing weight (just one more thing to fail at....).

I have this skinny friend who sits around reading  rather than exercising and eats two to three times what I do. The only time she gained weight was when her son was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Stressed to the max. It was removed, five years on had not grown back, the weight dropped off without her even thinking about it. She has a very non stressful life in general.

As a suggestion, help S21 get on course for his life, he can destress himself. It can't hurt.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 04, 2021, 07:11:08 PM
So the Berlin Marathon organizers contacted me today and they are requiring electronic proof of vaccination via this German app which is not available in the United States.

An event ticket will be mailed to my home 10 days prior to the race which is cutting it pretty close to departure. The event ticket, passport and electronic proof of vaccination is required for entry into the expo where one has to obtain a special covid wristband which grants clearance to run in the marathon.

They are also selling PCR tests at the venue for the unvaccinated. I looked online and this app is specifically available only in Germany so IDK how I would even transfer my CDC card to it. I was reading where I need to get a barcode for each shot from somewhere that I have to scan with my phone. IDK ...

Germany seems to be a bit more organized with this covid app. I know NYC is attempting to implement their own version soon however there is resistance ,of course, because we are the United States, lol.

Now I have the Moderna vaccine so I think I'm fine as it's just called by a different name in Germany. IDK, maybe I'm looking for an excuse to withdraw as I'm beginning to think a deferral until 2022 maybe for the best in this climate.

That CDC card is really nothing professional. It's a cheap looking paper card. So the German authorities are going to understand I got my shots at the NYPD, lol. This is soooooo stupid. What do you mean German authorities, this cheap looking paper card clearly says CDC, hahaha.

The weather has been nice the past 2 days. There was a beautiful pink and yellow sunset yesterday which I was unable to photograph as I was driving over the Brooklyn Bridge. I did fire off one shot eventually but the sky was all red by then and it almost made it look like the city scape was ablaze.

Oh I just thought to myself, maybe people refuse to get vaccinated because that CDC card is so cheap looking and embarrassing. That could be. It looks like I filled it out at home, lol.

So yesterday I took photos of this abandoned Red Hook Grain Terminal which was built in 1922. It was built to house grain from the Midwest via the Great Lakes, Erie Canal, Hudson River route. The terminal was actually never used as the railroad competitors would not allow it so it's basically been abandoned for 100 years.

My goodness, how embarrassing it was to see how Germany seems to have their covid act together and I have a cheap looking CDC paper card that is filled out in 2 different colored inks, lol.

I just received the new Google Pixel phone so I am very impressed with the quality of the photographs. Today I took some photos of this WW1 Memorial that I came across in Confederate Gray skies as we had clouds today.

S18 reached out to me just to make sure we weren't going out to dinner. I didn't have the heart to tell him that Germany has their own covid app's, yes they have 3 of them, while the United States has a CDC paper index card that looks so unofficial.

So I will see S18 tomorrow as he has the dermatologist and we will have breakfast. So we will see what happens.

Have a good night
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: UrsaMajor on August 05, 2021, 01:34:16 AM
Hi Watcher,

There are at least 2 different apps that you can pull from the Google Play Store (assuming that you have an Android Handy) - One is called Corona-Warn and the other is called CovPass, where you can scan in your vaccination certificate (or the code form it). In theory, you should be able to scan the bar code from the card into either one but here they are using QR Codes and not Bar Codes so I don't know if that will work or not. Moderna is also recognized here (we have the same "Big 3" - BionTech/Pfizer, J & J, Moderna) plus the Astra-Zeneca.

They just cancelled the Frankfurt Marathon yesterday (that was slated for Halloween) so it will be interesting to see what Berlin does...

Good luck with the breakfast!
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 05, 2021, 10:42:46 AM
Hi UrsaMajor,

Yes those are the apps I need and couldn't download as the message said not available in your country. I have to try it on my Android to see if it will work. I read that statement from the Frankfurt Marathon organizers this morning and it doesn't look good as they are anticipating a covid surge in the Fall.

That race was scheduled for October 30th. The Berlin half marathon is scheduled for August 22nd so it will be interesting to see if that one goes as scheduled.

I picked up S18 this morning and I could hear his mother yelling at S21 to wake up while I waited in the car curbside. S21 did not join us and S18 said, he stays up late and there is no way he is getting up early to go out for breakfast.

This morning was another Hungry Man Special which arrives on 3 plates as opposed to my 1 plate. I have the concert tomorrow night and S18 has his next driving appointment this weekend so we are not going to see each other. He takes his driving exam on Monday and we will see each other for dinner on Wednesday.

The dermatologist appointment went well and we are now scheduled again for September.

Enjoy your day
Thanks
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 05, 2021, 07:02:07 PM
Ok so a couple of people directed me to the NY State Covid App and I was able to download that one and I found my QR Code and vaccination history. So that was step one.

Meanwhile I was able to download the Luca App which is the 3rd one recognized by the Berlin Marathon organizers. However, there seems to be a problem with registration as it keeps telling me the Tan network has been exceeded and I have to try again later, lol.

So if I can get the Luca App to work then I can transfer my vaccination info from the NY State App. Corona Warn and Covpass are not available in the United States.

So this morning she was yelling at S21 to wake up but she wasn't angry. It was more just loud and obnoxious so I could hear her, lol. S18 had to feverishly text away as soon as he entered my car. My goodness she cannot leave either one of them alone.

Now S18 doesn't ask me any questions so I have no clue what instructions he is receiving from her. So it took him awhile to stop replying to her.

Well maybe she was making an excuse for S21 and having S18 relay it to me now that I think about it. He did have an excuse for S21 once he stopped receiving texts from presumably his mother.

I did ask S18 how the driving was going and he doesn't share much which has me questioning if he is actually practicing with this school. So I did tell him maybe we will be celebrating his driver's license on Wednesday night and his face lit up so maybe he really is driving, lol.

I did ask S18 if his mom is having a hard time with S21 and he said no. He said S21 does go out often and he doesn't give her a hard time.

Tomorrow night I'm going to the Jason Aldean concert and IDK how I feel about it yet. I'm definitely bringing my mask. So we will see.

Have a good night
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: UrsaMajor on August 06, 2021, 02:57:45 AM
The Luca App will send you a TAN to your registered e-mail address (2-factor authentication) to ensure it is really you... so if their TAN generator was busy or off-line, you would have gotten this error.

AND make SURE that, if your vaccination certificate has your middle name in it, that you put that in Luca as well... I opened my account with <first name> and <last name>  and LUC complained about not being able to validate the certificate until I updated my account with <firstname middlename> and <lastname>  like was on the certificate itself...
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 07, 2021, 06:54:21 AM
Hi UrsaMajor.

So last night was the Jason Aldean concert. I had to work yesterday so it took me 3 hours to get to the venue after sitting in traffic from NYC on a Friday. I was there in time to find parking but I couldn't stop to eat beforehand as I had planned. I think my commute was around 50 miles, lol.

I don't arrive for the start of the concert. I arrive for the gate opening, lol. Yes I probably had time to eat but I never take a chance with parking. It was very humid last night and the sun was out.

There were 4 acts last night. I couldn't tell you who opened. It reminded me of some Hero Spouse newbie. You know, oh I've heard this song before kind of thing. It sounds very familiar and one can only have empathy because that newbie has a long way to go in reaching Jason Aldean status.  ::) Thus another newbie journey began.

The 2nd act was Lainey Wilson. Now she sang only 4 songs because she is also a newbie. However, one of those songs became a hit, "Things a Man Outta Know" so her newbie status is elevated. You know, she is still feeling the blindside from BD but she is beginning to find her confidence and thus her way forward.

She can shoot a shotgun, hitch a trailer, fix a flat, and keep a rabbit from her driveway,  ;D That's the wow factor.

The 3rd act was Hardy. Now he represents the LBS who has been on Hero Spouse for a few years. He looks recovered and is just doing his own thing. I would say more moderator level status.

"Give Heaven Some Hell" is a good song. He wrote Blake Shelton's "God's Country" which he sings and he closed out his performance with "I'm More Rednecker Than You". He had energy so his show was good overall.

Then it was time for Aldean. Well he puts on an incredible show. Now in 2019 he sang a lot of country songs. I mean, I only knew 4 songs at that concert. So last night he must have scaled it back and sang less country songs because I knew all of them except one. So he only snuck one country song in.  ::)

He sang "Got What I Got" and that's the one I wanted to hear. It reminded me of hiking in 2020 because that song was always on the radio while I was driving to my hikes.

All his song's are good and he puts on an incredible show. My last concert was Brett Young in February 2020 and I made it a goal to see Jason Aldean, Luke Combs and Eric Church once the concerts came back after the lockdowns. Those are my 3 favorite artists.

So I have a wait now as Luke Combs is not until December and I have 2 nights for that one. Easy rest day today and tomorrow I have a 16 mile run.

Enjoy your day everyone

Thanks UrsaMajor
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Curiosity on August 07, 2021, 07:23:38 AM
Sounds like a great show, well worth the commute! Glad you enjoyed it. Looking forward to the description of your run - that’s about as close as I get to running, myself.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: FaithWalker on August 07, 2021, 01:26:23 PM
I think I told you this before, but I heard Jason Aldean when he opened for Tim McGraw.  He by far was my favorite show. 
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Dumbfounded on August 07, 2021, 02:09:08 PM
So exciting to be back to live music again. Sounds like it was a good show.
Keeping my finger crossed for you for Germany.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 07, 2021, 04:25:14 PM
Hi Curiosity, FaithWalker, Dumbfounded.

I had to check Jason Aldean's setlist from last night and he played 22 songs. I knew 20 songs and I have never heard of the songs "Johnny Cash" nor "Hicktown". The crowd loved "Hicktown".

He had amazing backdrops that changed during each song. The crowd sang along to "My Kinda Party" and "Dirt Road Anthem". I think the best song was "Lights Come On".

When I was walking for 6 hours a day back in 2017 I first discovered Dierks Bentley "Black" probably because I was still an LBS "in love" LOL.....Oh those foolish LBS "still in love" days. When is she coming out of the tunnel ? What stage is she in ? How many more hours do I have to walk ? Bla, bla, bla.

So with Aldean it was "Any Ol' Barstool" and I pretty much associated one song per artist as I was new to country music and I wasn't fully committed yet. I finally was hooked with "Burning Man" which might have come out during the Summer of 2018.

So I probably listened to "Any Ol' Barstool a million times because I usually played the same song over and over for hours ,lol. I brought a ticket to his concert in May 2019 because I knew he was popular but I really had no knowledge of him. I recognized 4 songs that night.

I knew more about Kane Brown and Carly Pearce entering that night than I did Aldean.

During that May 2019 concert I just remained in my seat because it was new to me. Last night I stood up the entire time Aldean was on stage just like everyone else did. Last night everyone pretty much sat down during the first 3 acts. I think John Morgan maybe was the name of the first act.

So I enjoyed myself more this time around because I knew more about Jason Aldean and I knew how to behave at a concert, whereas, I was really out of my element at the 2019 venue since it was all new to me.

So that was my 3rd concert back in May 2019 and that's the one where xW drove me to and from the venue, and last night it was number 15. I may have gotten a little carried away in 2019 as I attended 13 concerts.

The one thing that hit me was lost time due to covid since I hadn't been at a venue since Feb 2020. I had that same feeling on July 4th when I ran my first organized race since March 2020. It was a bit odd being back out in public with other people.

Oh it must have reignited my concert desires because I was already looking at Cole Swindell and Dierks Bentley at Jones Beach which I have never been to and they have a beautiful outdoor ampitheatre. Last night was also outdoors.

So much of 2017 was predicated on "Standing" while I was walking everyday just listening to music. Then so much of 2019 was predicated on the divorce since I just filed that Summer.

I really didn't do much between BD in July 2015 through April 2017 until I went away to Virginia Beach with work and discovered walking and hiking.

So now I think I'm just like everyone else in 2021 and I'm ready to move on from this pandemic.

Thank you ladies
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 08, 2021, 12:39:08 PM
This morning we had a light rain and the temps were a cool 70 degrees with some humidity along the canal. The sounds along the canal were strong this morning for my early run.

Everything was going fine until I reached mile 8 when I was stung on the middle of my back and the back of my head simultaneously. Immediately I thought it was the Poison Dart Frog as my vision became blurry as I looked down the tow path.

However, I remembered I wear glasses for distance so it wasn't the Poison Dart Frog. My vision is just naturally blurry. Whew. I have been stung before but that two pronged attack really hurt.

Naturally mile 8-9 became my fastest mile after the attack and I settled back down around mile 10 as I wasn't being pursued.

I used 4 gels today at miles 3,6,9 and 12 so I probably needed one more at 15. My water break was at my car at mile 12.5 and that bottle tasted like a slice of cheesecake.

Gatorade would probably be better as it's needed to add calories as I burned 3200 today. My clothes were drenched as usual and the weight does become annoying after awhile. It's like wearing your clothes straight out of the washer machine with the water still in the machine.

So 16 miles went well and I probably could have done 18 today but I will wait until next week. I have a clear mark on my back from the sting so that insect went right through my shirt.

Enjoy your day everyone
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: FaithWalker on August 08, 2021, 01:25:57 PM
Ouch, that sounds painful!  I almost got stung yesterday by a wasp, but successfully dodged it just in time.

That feeling of wearing your clothes straight out of the washing machine is not a good feeling, but getting a workout in is a good feeling, so I guess we take the good with the bad.

My neighbor who put in my grass has a sinus infection, so I offered to mow my own lawn yesterday and whew it was a small patch, but I had that same feeling with the clothes.  My lawn mower is one of those old fashioned push mowers, so it's all man (or woman in this case) power.  I did guzzle a small gatorade afterwards.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: HeavenlyFocus on August 08, 2021, 03:08:42 PM
Hi Watcher!

Glad the run went well despite the stings.  Good luck as your continue your training.

HF
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 09, 2021, 07:55:12 PM
Hi FaithWalker, HeavenlyFocus.

S18 texted me around 11am to let me know that he failed his driving exam and I could tell he was upset because he texted me for about 5 hours. He asked me if I could help him reschedule as his permit has now expired.

There are no available appointments in the State of NJ for permits. One has to join a state wide queue where appointments are sporadically released throughout the entire state. I was online today for about 5-6 hours and saw about 30ish available appointments.

So when one appointment materializes the entire State of NJ jumps on it. One has to fill out their name, DOB, phone #, email, and type of test within 5 seconds or the slot is filled.

It took me awhile to figure out how it worked. I actually tested out S21 first ,since he also needs a permit, and I scored an appointment for him around 1pm. Of course it's nowhere near where we live and it's in September.

I was trying to get S18 something sooner since he is the priority at the moment. So the first time I found an appointment for S18, I quickly filled out the form and was informed that I had already used that particular email and phone number. Oh fudge. So I needed a new phone number and email.

I then found one for tomorrow but it was a 2-3 hour drive and S18 wanted nothing to do with that one. Like what else is he doing tomorrow. After kickboxing I looked one last time at 530pm and grabbed him an appointment. It's not until September but I told him that's as good as it's going to get.

So IDK if S18 has to take the written exam again ,or if, he will be allowed to retake the driving exam once he has a new permit. He seemed to accept his September appointment fate by the end of the night.

Honestly, we probably couldn't have gone tomorrow anyway because I have no clue if he has all his paperwork together yet for any appointment. I think he would have to ask the custodial mother for help on that one since she supposedly lives with him.

Have a good night
Thanks
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Dumbfounded on August 10, 2021, 10:03:43 AM
Yikes, my S is due for a drivers permit in October.  Maybe I should start looking for an appointment now.   

Poor kid.  He is probably so upset about bombing the test.  Glad he has you to help him sort it out.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 10, 2021, 04:28:10 PM
Hi Dumbfounded,

You maybe alright if you go through the high school for the permit. S21 and S18 both got theirs that way and they just happened to expire after 2 years.

Now S21 must have gotten his permit in 2016 but she had a lot of rage towards me back then and the boys were not allowed to leave the house nor accept any help from me. S18 must have gotten his permit in 2019 around when I filed for divorce.

She doesn't really contact me but the divorce being final kind of broke the ice for her I guess as she really hasn't impeded me from seeing the boys since we divorced.

These past 8 months have been vastly different from the previous 5.5 years. Someone new to the forum may think things appear to be normal now but it really would discount those 5.5 years where she did the damage to all of us.

S18 was looking for me today and he wanted clarification as to when we are going to dinner this week so I reminded him it will be tomorrow night. (Wednesday)

S18 told his mother about the test and she blamed the DMV and told him they would choose another one. Her rhetoric doesn't produce results though. While she was pumping the blame game into S18 I was securing his next appointment. 

So we will see what happens tomorrow night.

Have a good night
Thanks
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 11, 2021, 07:04:12 PM
So S18 texted me around 530pm asking if we were still on for dinner. My initial reaction was his mom is putting him up to these texts. She was outside when I pulled onto their block so I remained down the street out of sight until I saw the boys emerge from the house.

She has now been working 17 months at home  because of covid. That's why she is always home. Some people have benefitted from the pandemic and she is one of them for sure. I was thinking xW is really from the Jim Conway school of how to benefit and make the most of one's MLC.

So we went to dinner and S18 vented a lot about failing his driving test. I told him he has to start over. That's just the way it works. So if it takes another 6 months then it takes another 6 months.

At dinner S21 informed me that he received his 2nd covid shot yesterday and S18 may have slipped in adding that S21 may have a Florida DL. So I informed S21 that I setup an appointment in NJ for his permit and he can have his mother take him to it. He really is not interested in a DL and told me so.

S18 started talking about college and I just listened as I will not step on any custodial parental toes. I told him he had to talk to his mother about it as she is clearly no longer in crisis according to the gospel of Jim Conway.

I really wanted to tell S18 if he had any complaints then he should take it up with Jim Conway who said women are only in crisis 2-3 years. I mean some may say he wrote a book on MLC and I could argue he came up with the greatest excuse of all time.

Oh I was going to play 3 dinner guests with the boys and ask them if they could find the commonality between Jim Conway and these other 2 con artists but I decided not to, lol.

I have to work this weekend and we will have dinner on Monday as I am off. Yes I was a bit sarcastic. It could have been the manicured lawn.

Have a good night
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 13, 2021, 07:06:48 AM
I was thinking at dinner the other night how this was probably how it should have been during her crisis. At least that's the way I would have preferred it. So maybe she really did need that divorce to be final and for her parents to leave. Anyway I'm still saving a "go eff yourself" for her but I will be patient as it's all about the timing.

I noticed S21 was a bit more comfortable the other night. He still doesn't do well with direct questions. He immediately retreats and gets defensive while responding with one word answers.

If I ask him anything that has to do about himself then he usually retreats. So we had a funny exchange about his dinner since it wasn't about him I guess. He made a joke about his dinner which I found funny and I guess he has to be the one to offer up conversation. He did so again while driving back to his home and brought up mask wearing.

S18 was complaining at dinner about his failed driving exam like a "REAL" teenager. Not like the insulting way it it used to describe a MLCer. I've always found that terminology to be downright insulting when describing a MLCer.

It makes it seem like the MLCer is childish and acting goofy. I think criminal is the best word to describe a MLCer. Hello newbies, your spouse is about to act like a criminal. That would prepare them for what is about to happen much more better, than the safer/vanilla terminology of teenager. Many of us know that teenager doesn't even come close to describing these criminals. I know, I know, where's the agape, lol.

I mean, how insulting to say to my 2 son's that their mother acts them. Oh she is acting like a teenager boys. Deal with it.

So newbies your spouse is not acting like a teenager. Your MLC spouse is going to lie, steal, cheat, and harm you in every way possible. I'm pretty sure our kids would not do the same. At least I know my kids don't act that way.

Don't follow this cookie cutter approach to MLC too closely or you will most definitely find yourself in a world of trouble.

I mean I don't have to be armed going out to dinner with my teenage son. IDK if I would take that chance with a Hero Spouse "teenager".  ::)

Enjoy your day everyone
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: FaithWalker on August 14, 2021, 09:22:21 AM
You're funny Watcher.  That had me laughing.  But it also rings true.  I remember a while back telling my SIL that if a thief had come in and robbed my house, no one would expect me to sit down and have dinner with them, and yet, what MLCer stole from me is deeply personal.  And I am expected to behave like he wasn't a thief?  I was probably in an anger phase at that time, but I do find myself circling back to that thought once in a while.  He stole so many precious things from me that have impacted me far longer than what a thief might have taken.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 14, 2021, 03:02:12 PM
Hi FaithWalker,

Yes and they did so much damage to these kids. She had the nerve to ask me if I had S21"s number. This would be the same S21 she tried to relocate to Florida.

She hasn't texted me. These cluster texts all arrived together when she gave me her new phone number a few weeks ago. She also requested I take them on vacation in August. S21 is going to be such a project. I measure his progress with me by how many words he says. Two full sentences last week.

S18 is further ahead but they are both going to take years to recover from what she has done and is still doing.

Today I ended up in Pennsylvania with work. It was really hot but it was nice to walk across the bridge from New Jersey to Pennsylvania. We did George Washington's retreat from the British. We started in New York, crossed New Jersey and settled in Pennsylvania, lol.

So it's a work weekend and it's Saturday night so I traveled a bit further south after work as I learned "Aldean and the boys about to blow it up" in Philadelphia. So I figured why not since it's been a very long pandemic.

The venue is really in New Jersey and sits on a beautiful harbor. Philadelphia is across the Delaware River. I have to make sure I didn't miss any songs from last week.  ::) It's still hot tonight but it's a hot breeze with no humidity so the conditions are more favorable than last week"s concert.

Priscilla Block has a good song out. It's playing as the venue sits behind me with the harbor in front of me. Oh wow now Ryan Hurd just took the stage. This radio station has some anniversary party going on. LOL, I just noticed. I thought they were playing the radio, hahaha. Oh there are quite a few artists here apparently. They have only been playing for an hour now.

Enjoy your night

Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 16, 2021, 11:32:19 AM
Saturday night the concert turned out to be very good. The radio station had a smaller stage setup for their anniversary. Sort of like the kids table at Thanksgiving. I didn't know Callista Clark and Elvie Shane sings "My Boy". Ryan Hurd was the closing act and he has too many songs to name. Priscilla Block, "Just About Over You" could have been there or she was just being played on the radio, IDK, as I was sitting outside the venue clueless by the harbor at that point.

Jason Aldean, Hardy and Lainey Wilson were all good. He is going to Raleigh, Charlotte and Atlanta next if you live down that way.

This morning I was up early for my 18 mile interval run and it was horrendous along the canal. The temps were low 70's but there was humidity. I had gels at miles 4,8,12,16 and I had water at mile 14.5 where I had my car.

Well it was to late by then as I had already hit the wall. Thats where runners begin to question life and curse why they ever took up running of all things as a GAL activity. :o Really, your training for a firetrucking marathon, hahaha. Oh I was angry with myself and the canal looked so appealing to dive into. I don't care if the sign read pesticide treated water. Delusion was setting in quick.

So I complained a lot over the final 3.5 miles.

Afterwards I stopped for an iced green tea as I didn't want to get out of the car and that didn't agree with my stomach and eventually made its way back into the cup as I probably drank it too fast.

So I have to go back to the drawing board for next Monday's 20 mile interval. Yea I got over it by the time I took a shower. I can't stand doing laps but I'm going to have to do laps. The canal has a 4 mile oval so I'm going to stick with that oval and pass my car every 4 miles so I have better access to hydration.

At the concert the woman sitting in front of me hit me like 3,000 times while flicking her hair. I think she finally got the message that I'm clueless and found a scrunchy. In my head I was like you can hit me another 5,000 times with your hair lady and I just view it as your hitting me with your hair, lol.

Well maybe that's all she was doing. Her hair liked me knee I guess as she was leaning as far back as she could.

Now I reminded S18 about dinner tonight and he is all ready. They usually pick out where we are going to eat. Well I hold veto power tonight as I lost 4,000+ calories while running and I'm starving.

Dinner with my son's is the highlight of my week. I would easily give up the concerts and running, especially after my performance today. All running like an old 49 year old man. Well if they ever say they like Aldean then I would have to do the right thing and get them down to Carolina, lol. Unfortunately I don't think they are into Country Music.

So we will see how dinner goes tonight.

Enjoy your day everyone
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 17, 2021, 08:15:20 PM
So last night we went to dinner and there was Country music being played in the restaurant as the indoctrination campaign has begun, lol. S21 was probably at his best last night and was very talkative.

S18 left it to me to find a restaurant as we cannot have any repeats all of a sudden. It has to be a different place. He let me know that he and his mother signed up for 5 online courses yesterday and I really am not happy for him.

I asked him if he has received his high school diploma yet and he said no. So I said IDK if the school is going to release your transcripts. So I left it alone as this is between he and his mother and I'm not getting involved.

The CS keeps me anchored to this ball and chain and I know she likes it this way. As long as I am paying CS I'm still married IMO. The filing for divorce has really only protected her financially and maybe that's why I was encouraged to file. Protect the woman. She has been guaranteed alimony and child support. Meanwhile what did I get ? Oh the fake divorce. That's right. Along with fake freedom. Uh-oh that man is on to something.

I believe that divorce needs to be punitive for all parties involved. I should not be the only one. There's really no difference between the two in all honesty so just get a divorce newbies since it's just like marriage.

Now if you don't make support payments then I really don't think you can have an opinion. When you receive support payments I think you know you are divorced. Oh so there is hope for many of you because some of your ex's, who pay support, may still feel married, just like me.

They too probably use the Ol' ball and chain analogy, hahaha.

Sorry if ya got yourself a deadbeat ex who refuses to pay their support then you are really divorced most likely. No fake divorce like me.

It's funny, the alimony does not bother me a bit but the CS infuriates me because I know it keeps me handcuffed to her.

I also don't want to play divorced family and see her stupid texts once a month. To be clear, because I have seen some discussion, I am absolutely not scared of chasing her away. I am leaving no door open as I will discourage her from ever approaching me.

In my experience they were already scared away by us. It was called BD. These vultures always come back. They are never going to be afraid of how we will treat them upon their return. They see us as a guarantee. The LBS is USDA Prime Grade Sirloin.  Oh my greener grass adventure is over after 27 years. Let me go see where my sirloin went, lol.

So if S18 goes to college then she can remain in replay for another 4 years. Oh, you actually think she wants him in college for normal reasons. Yea keep believing it.

So I will see S18 this weekend.

Have a good night
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Treasur on August 18, 2021, 12:19:42 AM
Quote
It's funny, the alimony does not bother me a bit but the CS infuriates me because I know it keeps me handcuffed to her.
I understand your anger, Watcher. And tbh I am probably as cynical about your xw’s agenda as you are.
But, at the risk of angering you more, it seems to me that the only thing that can change now is your mindset and your actions.
What is getting in the way of selling the house so you can remove that link to her?
What is getting in the way of you looking for a home for yourself and/or your sons?
What is getting in the way of you agreeing to spend more/different time with your sons now that they are both legally adults?
What is getting in the way for you enacting a plan for your own xw-free Watcher life now?
And what are you going to do now to get what you say you want? What DO you want now? And what are you waiting for before you start to build it? What more do you want in your next chapter than running or concerts or dinners with your sons sometimes?

So, what’s your plan, Watcher? What CAN you do rather than what you can’t?

Bc, lots of men pay CS and have little or nothing to do with their xw’s when their children are young adults....and how we see a situation can change how we tackle it. Jmo. Possibly worth exactly what you paid for it lol. (Now taking cover behind a large rock  :) )
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: billyluke on August 18, 2021, 06:42:37 AM
 i don't think i know any guys that pay cs for 18+ yr old kids that live with their mom and have little to do with xw. But, there certainly may be some..

i get you, watcher. i told a friend of mine the other day that i just want my xw out of my life.. .especially the way she is now... But, i don't know how that will happen.. completely... until my son moves out...

wishing you peace.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: OffRoad on August 18, 2021, 03:09:02 PM
I'm sorry you live in New Jersey, the laws there stink for divorced people with kids. They are great for the kids because it gives them more of a chance to actually GET a college degree. Though if S18 were to live with you instead of with his mother, you would have grounds to change the CS. It doesn't sound like your attorney had your best interests at heart if they didn't explain that to you.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 19, 2021, 02:34:15 AM
Oh I know you mean well Treasur and S18 going to college is not the issue. Notice how she does not care about college nor employment for the emancipated S21. She is just attempting to secure her CS. I mean she even registered S18 to take 5 online courses. Why bother with in person learning ?

Well the law does not apply equally to both men and women. There are 2 pieces of advice I always laugh about and that would be men getting full custody and men asking a woman to leave a house because she is the one in crisis or having an affair, hahaha .. .as if that could happen.

It will only take one 911 call for COG wife to reclaim her house. Yep I hear that train coming down the tracks. A woman in crisis. Whaaaat ? Is that even such a thing ?

I firmly believe now that an alledged female crisis is just a figment of our male imagination. She was unhappy.

Yes IDK know what to tell you. My ex wife hasn't given my attorney permission yet to file a motion to sell the house. What can I say ?

Oh you are not going to tell me an attorney works for a man. Oh please don't tell me that one, lol.

Well I was thinking at dinner the other night that our contact can't continue this way for another 4 years. They live with their mother and this is just the reality of divorce. Afterall Treasur I filed for divorce like a typical man does  ::)

I mean it's been wonderful that their mother gives me permission to see our son's and she has hired a landscaper now so there is no more 3 foot tall grass this year. How can I ask her to sell the house when the lawn finally looks good ?

The first indicator of the tunnel exit is the condition of the front lawn I've been told.

Well life has a way of doing what it wants as does my ex wife.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Acorn on August 19, 2021, 10:43:49 AM
Hey, Watcher, it sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place.  Sorry…. I sincerely hope you can soon move on from this limbo of house/CS situation.

Quote
I firmly believe now that an alledged female crisis is just a figment of our male imagination.

I can’t quite determine if you now believe that your XW never did have/does not have MLC, or it’s just a cheeky statement. 

If I take the statement at its face value:

I hazard a guess that, eventually, some female LBSs may also come to the view that an ‘alleged male crisis’ is just a pigment (the rose-colour variety :P) of female imagination.

Or, some male/female LBSs may come to view MLC as a part of whole and stop fixating on MLC as the master-explanation for everything that’s going on with their spouses and relationship. 

So, what you speak of is not male/female thing, but a possible trajectory for some LBSs, I suggest. 
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 19, 2021, 02:03:20 PM
Hi Treasur, Billyluke, Offroad, Acorn.

The current CS mandate is not scheduled to expire until our son turns 19 in March 2022 so that really was not the source of my anger.

He has no high school diploma nor transcripts so how is his mother getting him into college. She owes 12K to the high school for tuition. So I was immediately simmering at dinner because this tuition balance was supposed to force the sale of the home since she would need her equity to payoff the tuition debt.

It remains to be seen if she can con the college into accepting S18 without transcripts. She may also be conning S18 and just blame me for the high school tuition balance if he cannot get in.

Once he is 19 then he has to meet certain semester by semester criteria , if he is in college, to maintain his CS eligibility until graduation and it will end at age 23 regardless if he is finished with school or not.

Currently in NJ one cannot be evicted from their apartments, their utilities cannot be shutoff, nor can their cable be canceled for non payment. This moratorium is until January 2022. So IDK if a court is going to compel a home sale in this pandemic climate.

Yes I do make cheeky comments about MLC because I am poking fun at myself. That's how you can tell when I'm really annoyed. Reading other posts can also annoy me because I remember when I was that foolish and naive, lol.

Oh there is something definitely wrong with her but it helps me now just to view her as being normal. I had too much empathy and compassion for her when I viewed her as MLC.

I used to get mad at my attorney when he made a flippant comment about her being nuts because how was that helping me. The answer is it didn't. It's great that everyone knows there is something wrong with her but it didn't aid the outcome for my sons and I.

When S18 told me about college at dinner my first reaction was, oh great, I'm stuck with her for another 4 years. Look our son's are never leaving their mother. IDK why they like that stupid house but I know they will not leave her.

Now S18 will live with me if she tries to ship him off to Florida again. That I know. S21 may also balk about going to Florida if she tries again.

I don't necessarily like talking about MLC anymore because it really doesn't serve me to. Yes I think it's significant ,for her, that her parents left in 2019 and she finally lived alone with our 2 son's but I don't dwell on it. Yes the lawn is also no longer 3 feet tall. Meanwhile it's been 6.5 years since BD.

The NJ Marathon also canceled on Monday so that didn't help and Berlin looks like it will not happen. Cologne Marathon was canceled and airfare went from $650 to $2300 once Germany increased their restrictions last week.

Many runners feel the Berlin organizers are waiting for their half marathon on Aug 22nd to see how things go but, at this point, I really don't see that many foreigners running the marathon in September if they still have it. So hopefully Berlin will give me a deferral for 2022.

Enjoy your day
Thanks
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 20, 2021, 02:58:50 PM
Today I was waiting to pick up S18 and he texted me about an hour prior to our departure time and told me that his mom was waiting on his allergy medication and she asked if I could come back at 10pm according to S18.

I do realize that the medication is available at CVS and it doesn't take hours to get it. So it's not like I can say no as it will really just impact S18. I didn't have traveling plans for tonight anyway so it's not like she is fouling up our plans.

If the plans change again at 10pm then I may have to tell S18 we will have to try again next week.

My mom says I'm their only outlet out of the house and I do realize that myself. Again I know it's his mom and not S18 who is changing the pickup time.

So we will see.

Enjoy your day everyone
Title: Re: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Thunder on August 20, 2021, 04:00:22 PM
Watcher, of course you can say no.

Just let your S18 know his mom can pick it up at 10 and you'll pick him up in the morning.  Problem solved. 
What does she have plans where she can't pick it up for him or does she just want you to pay for it??   ::)




Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 20, 2021, 09:08:55 PM
Hi Thunder,

Yes I should have just picked him up in the morning. Apparently he has been without his allergy meds for a few days and his mom arrived home right before I picked him up S18 said.

She was out all day and he hadn't eaten so he was hungry and at least I was able to feed him. I really didn't have a chance to talk to him but my mom hit him with the 21 question gun salute.

She was the real source of my anger the other night. Right now college equates to rage for me. That's where I'm at. Mention college and I'm really angry. My mom supports college because she supports me being on the hook.

She was the huge reason why those boys went to that BS Catholic High School and now she thinks I'm going to fall in line over BS Online Scam University.

So if S18 does goto Scam University then my mother can make arrangements to see her grandsons through their mother from now on. Meanwhile my coworker just transferred to Tampa and I won't rule out doing the same now as a big FU to everyone. Yes I have a lot of anger over this issue.

S18 is happy I picked him up and ,of course, he is not the source of my anger. It's these two women.

Talk about battling cognitive dissonance all week long. The facts clearly tell me S18 can't get into Scam University but S18 keeps saying he is going to Scam University.

File now newbies. Don't wait. Get it done tonight. This sh!te is real, LOL....
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 21, 2021, 05:48:15 PM
This morning xW sent me a flurry of texts and she started off with a good morning.  :o She asked me if I could take S21 out with S18 and I today, especially if, we were going hiking, as he needs to start being active.

She said she tried to get S21 to join us last night but S18 shot the idea down as "he maybe a bit jealous" and doesn't want to share his dad.

She added a LOL at another point which I really found offensive. I know I'm weird I guess. I'm offended by an LOL. IDK what is so funny and I'm not interested in niceties. Now I'm not looking for a conflict either. I just prefer nothing from her.

This is the same woman who kept these 2 boys away from me for years and I needed a divorce to get them out of the house to see me. Yea, LOL back at you.

I asked S18 if he had a problem with his brother joining us and he said no. I texted her an "ok" and I informed S21 when we would pick him up. She was not home and S21 was pretty punctual when I arrived.

I stopped to get S21 breakfast on the go since we had already eaten. I had 4 points of interest picked out for S18 and I for today so I stayed with the iteniery.

Our first stop was a gorge where we hiked 1.5 miles along the water. S21 wore sandals so that was the extent of that hike as he would never be able to traverse boulders. It was relatively flat and he trailed behind us mostly.

There was an abandoned iron works along the water where coal was used to feed the furnaces. The water was moving good and there were many small waterfalls along it's route.

There was also an old abandoned train trestle, tracks, and a roundtable. We were unable to search that area because I didn't think S21 could handle a further hike.

It's definitely an area we will have to go back to explore. The 2nd stop was a hike to a glacial erratic. This is a 54 ton rock. Glacial erratics are not native to the area and they were carried to their present location via a glacier.

This hike was less than a mile but it was all uphill and it took it's toll on S21 who needed a break at the top. I walked with him back to the car because he was really feeling the climb and humidity on the way up.

We took a break to get lunch and S18 decided that would be a wrap. I did have a hike planned to a legit bat cave but we will have to do so another time. S21 slept the entire ride home as he was knocked out.

I cannot remember the last time S21 and I talked so much. He thoroughly looked like he enjoyed himself and was happy to be there with us. He said he needs to wear his hiking shoes next time.

Their mom was texting them as S21 was concerned he had no keys to get back in the house. They keep their communication with xW to themselves. It seems like S18 was her point of contact while we were out.

S18 was adamant his brother was going back to his house so that is where I dropped him off. He's been out 5 hours dad, lol.

At dinner S18 said his brother was tired and we will go back to hike that ourselves another time. Oh maybe he is being territorial with me. I did ask S18 if he thought we pushed S21 to hard today and he said nah. S18 said he used to get winded himself when he started hiking with me.

He said S21 needs to get in shape. I have no problem seeing our son's but I've been down this road many times with their mother.

If S21 wants to keep joining us then he is welcome to do so. IDK if I really want these texts from their mom. I think my "ok" reply was fine. It's going to rain all day tomorrow as we have a hurricane on route.

Have a good night
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 22, 2021, 07:01:13 AM
I'm thinking this morning how her request for me to take S21 out yesterday was reasonable. I jumped at the opportunity because he is the one who needs to be free now. My hesitancy lays in the fact that the message comes from an unreasonable person who I just view as a liar and manipulator. So my first reaction is always, "oh what does she want now".

Maybe she accepts the divorce and she sees the need for me to be involved in our son's lives. IDK...Maybe she sees how well S18 has responded to being with me and she is ready to trust me with our other one now. Again IDK....

S21's walls were down yesterday and I've never seen him so relaxed. I noticed S18 guiding him on our first hike and helping him with his footing. I didn't have to say anything.

On the 2nd hike S21 became light headed so he sat down and then laid back on this huge boulder. It could have been the climb up and humidity combination. I was reading last night where it also could have been his anxiety and he knew how to handle it himself.

If he comes out again then I may have to keep him at a history tour pace and not necessarily a hike just yet. He did have an interest in the abandoned coal furnaces.

Now I thought it would be strange dropping him off back home while I still had his brother but it went fine. S21 wanted to go home as he was tired but I was equally surprised that S18 didn't want to go home. I think S18 likes his routine.

I view her with such suspicion and I don't want her cooperation now. She says S21 needs to get active and that is true. Meanwhile she is the culprit who has kept him inactive. Meanwhile S18 and I have been hiking for 8 months already.

Hopefully S21 will continue to come out because I am concerned about his overall health. I think it would be good for him to join us on a regular basis. I have been inviting S21 out for 8 months since I started seeing S18 so this maybe all his mom's doing behind the scenes.

I do look at how both boys have progressed over the years. Neither one would ever leave the home with me until the divorce was final. I think I had them out twice in the span of 5 years.

S18 went from fearing to leave the home, to fearing to get caught with me at the bus stop after school, to being confident finally. S21 is a little slower because she did more of a smear campaign with him. Also, when I left in 2019 that was pretty much it for our contact for 2 years while I was still seeing S18 at the bus stop and band performances.

So S21 has gone from sporadic dinner outings in the beginning to never missing a dinner night now. So maybe he will do this dance now with going out on a weekend until he is ready to commit.

Yes this entire experience has been one giant pain in the a$$.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Curiosity on August 22, 2021, 08:01:22 AM
All three of you have suffered greatly through her crisis and her choices. You’ve rebuilt your own life as much as you can given the ties that still exist, and now you’re finally getting the chance to show your sons that there are better choices for them to make as well. It will take time, as you have seen, but as someone who reads your thread, I find it really heartening to see your S18’s progress, and now your S21 starting to see the beginnings of a path out of his current situation. I wish you all more of the same… your sons are so much better for being able to spend this time with you.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 22, 2021, 06:37:25 PM
Hi Curiosity,

We were laughing a lot yesterday. I kept reassuring S21 that we don't always hike. We do other things, as I said, I don't want to scare you away. Meanwhile it was very nice to see him laugh.

S18 chimed in with his tale about how I took him on a 9 mile hike his first time and it was Winter. We did see an Owl in flight yesterday so that was cool to witness.

S18 was telling me this tale today. I had mentioned how there was this no trespassing sign or do not enter sign near the glacial erratic. S18 replied, yea I saw that and I heard a siren in the distance, so I got out of there, lol.

I just started laughing because I did wonder why he left us. I explained to him we just walked the wrong way and I don't think we were going to get in trouble.

Apparently someone went around identifying glacial erratics and this is my 2nd one. Now I've seen Tripod Rock and I brought S18 another time with me but that was the hike where he was acting like a teenager and I had enough of him as we failed to find the correct path that day as he did nothing but complain.

The one from yesterday was called Mouse Cradle Balancing Rock. Yes I guess it looks like it sits in a small cradle. Tripod Rock was more impressive. IDK if the boys were impressed. At that point one was light headed and the other was fleeing from the authorities as I just learned today.

So on the drive home tonight I asked S18 if he thought we would be able to get S21 to join us again. Now S18 and I had been wondering all day if S21 had recovered yet, lol.

S18 said, oh mom will force him to go again. I said do you think she was behind it and he said yes. However, he added, he was surprised S21 left the house yesterday with us because she was not home to force him out.

She thinks I'm snubbing S21 and the emancipated status didn't sit well with her. Now it didn't help matters that she sent him to Florida for 3 months as he has missed out. S18 and I were on vacation in June while S21 was still in Florida.

S18 and I then went on a 4 day trip in July and I think that's the one that bothered her as S21 was back home. I invite him out all the time. She just has to tell him that he is free to go.

So our next night out will be on Wednesday.

Have a good night
Thank you
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 23, 2021, 12:45:38 PM
Yesterday they ran the Berlin half marathon and after canceling all my reservations, I think I'm going to run the marathon this year and not wait. My previous plans were not going to work out anyway.

So I'm thinking I will leave on a Wednesday with the expo opening on a Thursday. I have to get a covid wristband at the expo that shows I'm all clear to run so its better to get that out of the way first.

IDK yet if I'm just going to focus on Berlin or extend it into a vacation as the current restrictions are through September 30th. Who knows what restrictions will be in place on October 1st.

I had thought I needed one of the German Covid Apps but that is only for EU members. So my NY State Covid App is fine for me to use. There is no quarantine for vaccinated travelers so I should be good to go.

I go back and forth in my head about it because I really wanted to make a 2 week vacation out of it but maybe I should just focus on the mission.

So xW texted me earlier. She said S21 was very happy when he came home the other day after being out with me. She thanked me and gave me the prayer hands emoji which is the sign of the psychopath. That's when I really say, uh-oh.

So she says I need to be more of a father to S21. I wasn't lying. Those prayer 🙏 always give her away.

She said S21 needs his transcripts for college and I then turned off my phone. S21 went to college in 2019 unbeknownst to me and he acquired a debt that needs to be paid. That's what she is getting at as the college will not release his transcripts.

No mention of S18 and his need of transcripts just yet. Oh and if she gives me Blessings then I really know I'm in for it. So far no Blessings today.

At this point I think jumping on a plane and taking my chances with covid is probably the best way to go. Now I'm off to Kickboxing. My 20 mile run interval will be on Saturday

Enjoy your day everyone
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 24, 2021, 04:32:04 PM
Today No Shame texted to let me know that she acquired S21 transcripts and they were on their way to the college. She said she hopes S18 will be able to motivate S21 with staying in school.

She then mentioned both boys need part time jobs. Later she texted me S18 college balance. As a side bar, according to the law, S18 has to take out a student loan for any remaining balance, therefore its not my problem.

She then texted me again to lmk that there was indeed no balance.

Well I did not reply to her past 2 days of texts because I don't have to. When the boys are with her, they are her children and when they are with me, they are my children. There is no collaboration going on here. This is called divorce.

Oh so I guess they are both going to college. IDK...

Today I found a nice hotel along the Spree River. The covid numbers are really high in Berlin and almost non existent in Frankfurt and Munich so I will continue to monitor the situation as it looks like the marathon will be run.

The Abbott organization is looking to add a 7th World Major with the next one possibly being in Cape Town, South Africa. So if they are going to start increasing the number of races IDK if I'm going to complete them all now.

Have a good night
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Dumbfounded on August 25, 2021, 10:02:49 AM
"She thanked me and gave me the prayer hands emoji which is the sign of the psychopath."

You had me laughing so hard with this one.  I mean, I can see it being truth. 

It seems like your X is having a bit of trouble understanding that the boys are now adults and need to take responsibility for themselves.  She keeps trying to use them to guilt you and manipulate you like they are small children.  S is 21 - he needs to motivate himself to exercise and stay in school.  That is not S18's or your job.       
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 25, 2021, 07:40:01 PM
Hi Dumbfounded.

Well I thought I was going to escape her texts today and made it through Kickboxing before she surfaced. Apparently we have the power to help our son's become successes and prevent them from being failures.

She wants me to convince S21 about the value of a college education. She also thinks I should just take him to the college tomorrow morning ,as if, I don't have to work.

Apparently his financial aid will not be ready for another 2 weeks so she wants me to put up the money in the meantime. Yea, OK. I didn't read all of the texts as most of it made no sense to me. So technically I really don't know what she wanted me to do tomorrow.

I picked up my son's for dinner and we went to a cantina and ate outdoors as the weather was nice tonight. S18 mentioned his tuition is paid for through financial aid but I really don't know what that means. Is it aid or a loan ? IDK.

S21 mentioned school starts September 7th so I don't get her rush for tomorrow. Well I do get it. She is manic but she can wait. I did not ask either son about college. They volunteered their information. I don't plan on asking them any questions about college.

Oh S21 will listen to you Watcher. Yea she is about 6 years too late. I'm just reconnecting with S21 and I have no intention of overstepping any boundaries.

She figured it out for her child support son so she can figure it out for her emancipated son.

Neither boy asked me for any help at dinner so I have to assume their custodial mother has everything  under control. I don't make learned MLC excuses for her any longer. She is a fully capable functioning adult who has chosen her path in life of free will.

Yes the LBS was not born with making MLC excuses. This is harmful learned behavior.

They both looked good again tonight and I told them I have to check my schedule next week to see what night I am available. Now I don't have S18 this weekend and next weekend I work so we will have 2 weekends off.

I turned my phone off after I dropped them back home as I anticipated more texts about tomorrow.

Berlin must be the Florida of Germany. Yesterday they reported 16,000+ new covid cases so it's not looking good over there for a visit at the moment.

Have a good night
Thank you
Title: Re: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Thunder on August 25, 2021, 09:01:37 PM
Oh Watcher, just do nothing.

She is really looney tunes at the moment, which she always is in her manic episodes.

Take S21 to college for what?  To hold his hand?
Nothing she says makes any sense.  It just sounds like she is setting them both up for a big disappointment.  I would not be any part of it.

I'm so sorry she is creating all this havoc for everyone.  Just try to ignore her.
She will eventually go away like she always does.

Give it time.   ::)

Yes with the Pandemic raging in some places, Germany does not sound promising.  Maybe next year things will be better once more people stop being stupid, or afraid, and get vaccinated.

I'm glad you had a nice outdoor dinner with the boys tonight.   :)
Our weather has been a lot nicer too.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 26, 2021, 04:48:30 AM
Hi Thunder,

I was looking at the check last night and I saw that S18 ordered jalepenos.  I asked S18 why he ordered jalepenos and he said it was one of the sides and I knew he must have read that wrong on the menu. So he said what's the big deal as we got into a discussion on jalepenos.

He was about to eat an entire one when I told him just to take a nibble. One picture of water later and his lips were still numb, lol. 

S21 usually ends up not finishing his meal and brings it home. I had to catch myself helping him last night transfer the food to his container. His mom was not home so he continues to come out on his own.

The Department of Health was walking door to door in their neighborhood and I tried to warn S18 not to answer the door as I waited but it was too late. He stood their talking to the lady while holding back a fiery 20lb ish dog that just wanted to escape, lol.

I told S18 he should of just said his mom was not home and closed the door. S18 wants to bring the dog on a hike, lol.

S21 doesn't want to be told what to do. That's what his mom does not understand. He moves at his own speed. I saw that with the food container example from last night and that's why I caught myself.

xW and xMIL have always treated him like there is something wrong with him. He doesn't want to talk about college or the DMV. IDK how you get an anxiety prone person to stop floating through life. I don't believe he is floating on purpose. Maybe he is just surviving his day.

So we were sitting on the outdoor patio and there was music playing while the temps were dropping with a light breeze. It was very nice.

The picture of water came back to bite S18 so we had to stop and find a latrine, lol.

Enjoy your day
Thank you
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 26, 2021, 09:21:58 AM
Well at least she was quiet on Sunday or this would be 6 days in a row, lol. Apparently the 2 boys are gaining confidence the more they see me according to their mother. Supposedly they have reported to their mother that they enjoy being with me and they like going out and doing things with me.

Oh maybe replying "ok" on Saturday opened this pandora's box. What, I'm supposed to be divorced guy with a conscious now.

She would like to give me the opportunity to take S18 to get his college ID. Maybe I should tell her I'm really not happy about paying child support, lol.

Can you just imagine how she is going to be if we ever have to sell the house. OMG....

13,000+ new covid cases yesterday in Berlin bringing the last 2 days to 30,000+. Currently New Jersey is averaging 2,000 daily cases.

I'm working in Brooklyn this morning so I located these 2 historical homes and one of them was situated on the battlefield during the Battle of Brooklyn while the other housed Hessian troops during the Great British Occupation of 1776-1783. I did some research and 26/27 August 1776 is the anniversary and that is so eerie that I went looking today.

Oh Kickboxing for sure today.

Now I do see the confidence stirring in S21. S18 has already found his confidence and it continues to grow. However, she is the reason why S21 has no confidence.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 26, 2021, 05:46:30 PM
Oh those covid numbers in Germany are for the entire country and not just Berlin. I kept inputting Berlin into the queue and it kept giving me covid numbers for the entire country. Whew. The numbers are still going up nevertheless so I will see how things look on September 1st.

I am really leaning towards postponing because IDK if I feel that comfortable flying yet.

I haven't been pushing the home sale and I have been seeing our 2 son's so one would think she would fly under the radar and just be quiet. xW claims the boys are full of motivation after being with me.

My mom says the boys are coming around and xW is a great manipulator. They are 2 independent statements.

Old MacDonald had a farm, e i, e i, o. And on that farm he had a liar, e i, e i, o. With a lie lie here, and a lie lie there, here I lie, there a lie, everywhere a lie lie.....Yes she has been laying it on thick lately.

So today's Battle of Brooklyn was the first major engagement after the Colonists declared their independence on July 4th. 20,000 troops under Howe versus 10,000 under George Washington.

The Colonists would abandon Brooklyn and retreat through Manhattan before crossing over to Fort Lee, NJ. The British occupied New York for the duration of the American Revolutionary War. There are a few locations in Brooklyn but urban development has consumed the battlefield. Present day locations would be Greenwood Cemetery, Prospect Park, Fort Greene Park, Gravesend Bay, Fulton Ferry Landing.

There is this building in lower Manhattan that kept it's original window frame from that era. It was a British prison so one actually sees the original iron bars on that window. I will have to find that another time. It's called the Sugar House Prison Window.

Tomorrow I am going to Battle Hill which now sits in a cemetery. It's the highest point in Brooklyn. Today I visited the Old Stone House of Brooklyn and the Wyckoff-Bennett Homestead.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 27, 2021, 12:47:48 PM
This morning S21 texted me and asked if I could take him to register at college. Well since he absolutely never texts me I know that was probably his mother.

I was only running around Revolutionary War sites anyway while I was supposed to be working so I was able to take him since I wasn't doing much work. I picked both boys up and I was apprehensive because I thought she was setting S21 with the tuition bill.

I quickly realized when I got there that college is really their financial problem and not mine. I really didn't even see any other parents. So S18 needed his ID and I told him where to ask for the information and S21 knew where to go for registration.

S18 finished first so I asked him what was going on. So the 2 boys are going to school for free because of the divorce as their mom doesn't make a lot of money. So it's all funded through financial aid.

He said registration was packed the other day and S21 forgot his ID # when it was his turn so he would have had to get back on a 3 hour line. She lets S21 give up too easily ,and always has, so they went home.

I told S18, oh please don't try to tell me your mom can't control you two and I highly doubt either one of you give her a hard time.

S21 took time to register and then he went to go take his photo ID.

Meanwhile, their mother texted me, "oh Watcher you are really a great father, thank you". I decided to save my go eff yourself response for another day.

We went to lunch afterwards and now I am waiting for Kickboxing. S18 has an appointment on Wednesday and then we will go out next Friday and I think S21 will be joining us for both.

I had a different work location today so I visited St. Paul's Church National Historic Site which quartered Hessian troops. I also visited the Chief Nimham Memorial which was dedicated to a group of Stockbridge Indian Militia who fought along with the Colonists and who we're ambushed by those Red Coats in an attack that came to be known as The Stockbridge Massacre.

Enjoy your day everyone
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 27, 2021, 04:11:23 PM
When we arrived at the college S18 was complaining that he didn't know where to go and he mentioned maybe he should call his mom to find out. I said, you will go to that information desk and ask over there. So the lady took care of him.

Meanwhile S21 and I actually sat and talked a bit as we waited for him to be called to registration. Then he departed and his brother returned so we just cracked jokes about what was taking S21 soooooo long to register.

S21 came out with a smile on his face and looking accomplished. He then made his way to the information desk to find out about his ID.

Yes they both had to show me their ID's. So while we were eating lunch I gave the boys next week's schedule. I informed S18 he has labwork on Wednesday and let S21 know that we go to breakfast afterwards. He asked me what time would we be leaving and I said 830am.

He replied he has to start getting up early anyway so he is a maybe. I let S18 know earlier that I am off next Friday and since I can't see him that weekend because of work, then we can spend that Friday together and he said ok.

S21 knows we are going out next Friday but I haven't told him yet it will probably be longer than just dinner. I will avoid a hike and do some walking with them if they want.

Now I'm off this weekend so their mom should leave me alone. Her words are nothing but a bunch of meaningless crap.

Well I think S21 is finally starting to emerge. I've been waiting for him so there was no way I could not take him to register after he asked me.

They are both very happy to be starting college.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Curiosity on August 27, 2021, 07:05:48 PM
Watcher, thanks for these updates. Seems to me like your sons are coming out of their shells and maturing faster and faster as time goes on. It certainly seems you’ve been a good influence on them, and I’m sure it’s been good for them to begin developing or redeveloping a sense of trust in your love for them. Starting school is also likely going to be really good for them, for maturity and socialization. It’s very nice to see them reaching out to you more and more - whatever the motivations and whether or not their mother is involved in having them reach out, they are better off for having this time with you.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Dumbfounded on August 28, 2021, 07:18:33 AM
Love it Watcher!! I agree with everything Curiosity has written. I look forward to watching your sons bloom in this new chapter of life.   
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 29, 2021, 12:02:35 PM
Hi Curiosity, Dumbfounded.

Today I had to get back to running since I've been off for 2 weeks already. I did go to 9 Kickboxing classes in the interim. Right out the gate there was bear scat on the tow path. Well I deduced the bear probably ate well yesterday based on the evidence so I should be safe.

If the bear did materialize then I would just jump into the canal to getaway from it. The tow path took a beating from the hurricane last week with sections just eroded.

I ran in my Hoka One One Challenger ATR 5 which are trail shoes and better suited for the tow path. I tested out these new compression socks for the 2nd time now and I don't know if I like them. I'm really good about not getting blisters so I may go back to my usual running socks.

The goal was 20 miles but I wasn't feeling it as running is quite boring. The temps were like 75 degrees and cloudy. Just beautiful. So I knew early on I would finish at 15 miles since I missed a week. Anyway there is only so much training. Running a marathon with people is just different.

Around mile 13.5 this woman was walking her dog and she left the tow path smelling like perfume so that was it for me. How is a man supposed to train for a marathon under such conditions ? LOL.... Fortunately I found the strength to finish the final 1.5 miles. Whew.

Then when I got home the lady next door was looking me up and down. She probably can tell I work out but she most likely was perplexed as to why I was covered in dirt. I call that look marathon hot, lol. Oh it comes off in the shower.

When you run on the tow path the gravel dust kicks up and it just sticks to your swet. Yes it is some sight to see. Also, those thorn bushes cut the skin so easily. So it's a bloody dirty mess look going on there.

The New Jersey Marathon canceled for the 3rd time and they transferred my registration to the Atlantic City Marathon so we will see if that one happens in October.

I have a 5 mile race next week and then a 10K the week after. Both races are from 2020 as I'm still looking to get a lot of 2020 runs cleaned up already.

In a couple of more weeks I will be able to start running again at the beach as the season is winding down. The tow path is in need of repair as there are just craters in sections from that storm. I should be at 500 miles for the year now. I'm taking it easy after last year's 1200.

Enjoy your day
Thank you
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 29, 2021, 06:32:30 PM
Well I almost escaped her texts this weekend. She wants to know if I have any plans for S21 with helping him lose weight. Someone (OM or OW) suggested to her that S21 get into boxing. She then said it would be a good activity for all three of us. Meaning me and the 2 boys.

She really is not grasping this concept of the custodial and non custodial parent roles. I cannot see my son's seven days a week since I do not live with them. I don't have the luxury that she has in living with them as custodial lottery winning parent.

I like to show my mom these texts so she sees the bear scat brain that I'm dealing with here.

I already run and goto kickboxing. S18 has his own exercise regimen. Why would I pay for the three of us to take boxing lessons ? How about you do whatever you want with your son's custodial parent whom has been home from work for 17 months. How come you had no time to walk with S21 during the past 17 months ?

Oh sorry, my bad, I forgot you dumped him in Florida for 3 months.

I would tell her off but it's not going to register. She is in for a rude awakening. I am absolutely never available to take them or pick them up at college. She will have to figure it out. I do not live near them and I will not see them anymore than I already do.

If she is unable to fulfill her role as custodial parent then she needs to give the both of them up and I will gladly be the custodial parent.

I don't need her to spend my money for me nor tell me how to spend time with my son's.

So she has the 2 boys in college as full time students. She wants them to work part time and now take boxing lessons. Yes that sounds like it will be successful.

Hopefully they succeed in college because their mom is a disaster and she will just continue to screw up any success they may actually achieve. I already know I'm not going to last 4 more years of her nonsense.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Treasur on August 29, 2021, 06:37:20 PM
Watcher, why do you not block her texts? Genuine question bc I am not seeing the benefit to you of receiving them. And as your sons are young adults, is it not part of their learning that they need to communicate with you, and indeed the rest of the world, directly without going via her?
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 30, 2021, 07:54:08 PM
Hi Treasur,

Currently I do not have her phone number since I always delete her texts. So I will need at least one more text from her in order to block her.

She is manic at the moment IMO and it will be a few more weeks before she settles down again.

Again if I want to see my son's then I have to be the proactive one. They were raised in a controlling environment. I don't think they have a choice as to whether their mom acts on their behalf or not. She is controlling.

She asked me to take S21 hiking and I think that was a win now that I think about it. The same goes for the college registration day. Yes the rest of her texts are ridiculous.

I didn't have a spouse who abandoned her kids nor the home. She may have emotionally but she didn't physically. So she didn't have to work her way back into their lives. She was always there physically whereas I wasn't.

So unfortunately I'm the one who is stuck doing all the reconnecting. Meanwhile she is still in the picture and controlling as ever.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Treasur on August 30, 2021, 11:50:02 PM
Well, i’m sure you’ll get another  ::)
Or you can simply set a ‘only communicate with me in case of a kid emergency’ and block her the first time she breaks that as she inevitably will. Or just consistently ignore them completely.

It’s up to you, of course, Watcher, but it seems to me from the cheap seats that a) the texts keep you subliminally attached bc you have an emotional reaction to them and/or act on them and b) it reinforces a narrative that her opinion is still relevant to you (which she can go on believing but you don’t have to join in lol). Not all attachment is about positive feelings is it? Same issue with sharing the texts with your mother tbh....it keeps your xw’s metaphorical voice in your current life and i’m not sure how that is healthy and useful for you, even if it is only to feed your suspicions and irritation  :)

More importantly perhaps, it at least passively perpetuates the triangle that your xw uses of father, sons, mother which tbh she has used for years with the Watcher Father card, hasn’t she?. I get how controlled and infantilised your sons are by your xw....and that they are carrying damage....but I found myself wondering whether the most helpful thing you can do for them is to not play the game and set up a new boundary that if they want to see you, you communicate directly with them and vice versa. And that you have some basic expectations of young adult behaviour from them. You can’t control what they allow, or what she does, but you can send a clear signal that this is how young adults behave and what you expect and will respond to. Are you afraid that they will not and that you might lose them again, Watcher? Bc it seems to me that this triangle game might continue for years unless you change the rules......and i’m not sure how it serves you or your sons in the longer term......

She is your xw after all. And your sons are legally adults. What seems normal and sensible as boundaries to you?

You have survived years of trauma and manipulation and emotional abuse from your xw....you deserve a life free of it now imho. But the key may be a steady unhooking of her ability to work via your sons by slowly setting up some new habits with them. And the timing of college etc seems like a good one. Jmo.

And at the risk of being a bore, what are your plans for GAL beyond exercise? For a home of your own say or living elsewhere or work or even a new relationship? And for selling the house if that needs to happen to enable any of this?

I’m sorry about the delays to the various races. That must be frustrating. Unfortunately here in Europe, as in some parts of the States, that Delta variant is creating a lot more cases and i’m not sure there is a common POV on how to deal with that.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on August 31, 2021, 02:59:08 AM
This current xW phone number was given to me on July 30th and she has been texting more steadily since August 23rd because she is most likely having a manic episode.

Prior to that she contacted me in late May about taking our son on vacation. Again that was a different number and she was probably manic because she was high on selling the house at the time while she envisioned a huge payday.

So she will grow silent eventually and then she will just get a new number in late October early November.

The divorce filing shut her up for 18 months and the finalization of the divorce coupled with visitation woke her back up.

She sees me helping S18 with his dermatologist along with driving school and she feels her other son is being slighted now. In that regard she is not being different than any other mother. S21 doesn't have a dermatologist issue. He has a weight issue so she wants me to "fix it" because that's how she views it.

She wanted S21 to receive the same DL treatment and IDK if he gave her a hard time about college and that is why she requested I take him. S18 wants to hike and he wants to drive and he wants to go to college. She wants the same for her other son now. She maybe abnormal but I don't believe she is being that unreasonable in wanting her son's to have the same treatment.

Yes she is the problem with our son's development but she doesn't have the self awareness to know that she is the problem. So if her feeling slighted for S21 gets him out of the house, then it gets him out of the house. ;)
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Treasur on August 31, 2021, 06:25:04 AM
Ah, I see. So blocking her number would have limited effect bc she just changes her number?  ::)
Ignoring is your option then, it seems.  :)....which I know you often do.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: UrsaMajor on August 31, 2021, 06:28:19 AM
Just make sure that you have your Vaccination Certificate with you because you'll need it to avoid being shoved into a Quarantine situation when you arrive because the US is considered a "High Risk" area....

Assuming that they actually go ahead....

Since the numbers have been going up here (although, the last couple of days they have decreased a bit), there are starting to be more restrictions put back into place but mostly for those who have refused to get the jab....

Ah, I see. So blocking her number would have limited effect bc she just changes her number?  ::)
Ignoring is your option then, it seems.  :)....which I know you often do.

Yes, the dreaded "File 13" or for those UNIX geeks out there... "/dev/null"
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Dumbfounded on August 31, 2021, 10:32:03 AM
Looks like there are new restrictions on US citizens in the EU now. That is probably going to a put a damper on things in the GAL area. 
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: UrsaMajor on September 01, 2021, 01:53:35 AM
Looks like there are new restrictions on US citizens in the EU now. That is probably going to a put a damper on things in the GAL area.

I saw something about that as well but now I can't find the details - basically the headline was that, since the US won't allow people form the EU into the US, there was going to be a retaliatory restriction put into place by the EU...
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: FaithWalker on September 01, 2021, 04:38:18 PM
Super interested in keeping an eye on information for Germany going forward as we are looking at May 2022.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: UrsaMajor on September 02, 2021, 01:39:00 AM
Super interested in keeping an eye on information for Germany going forward as we are looking at May 2022.

Up until recently, the only restriction was that one needed to be either vaccinated, recovered, or have a valid test (maximal 48 hours old for the Antigen test and 72 for a PCR test) to come into the country but...

Since the US wasn't reciprocating, the rules will be tightened to mirror the US rules...

By May, I expect things to open up again a little bit because we will have all been through the winter wave in the Northern Hemisphere....
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on September 02, 2021, 03:40:14 PM
Hi UrsaMajor, Dumbfounded, FaithWalker.

We had epic rain last night from the hurricane that hit Louisiana then jumped into the atmosphere and landed in New Jersey. It doesn't matter where the hurricane hits since they all end up in New Jersey anyway. I was driving home from work and had to abandon my car and walk. I was already wading through 4 feet of water by the time I arrived at my mom's house.

I didn't think any of our cars would survive and thankfully we had 2 pumps running in the basement to keep the water to a minimum.

It really didn't look good for awhile as the water was just pressing up against the basement windows. It must have rained for 4-5 hours. Surprisingly my work car survived unscathed after I retrieved it this morning.

My personal car did have one of its exhaust pipes submerged but it did start. No water got in the car so hopefully it will be fine as I didn't have a chance to drive it.

It looked like the Walking Dead with cars just strewn everywhere after the water receded. Many neighbors had 10 feet of water in their basements so everyone has spent the day placing everything on the curb.

One neighbor was quick to point out the effects of global warming while another said there was a worse flood in 1974. One neighbor remembered my dad and I found that so odd since he has been deceased 19 years now, and he offered his sympathies, meanwhile this person moved in as I was getting married and no longer here.

So he didn't know me but he knew my father as he described him to a tee and just associated me with him because of the house.

I had the boys out for breakfast yesterday morning and that already seems like a week ago. S18 continues to do well with the dermatologist and we have plans to go out tomorrow.

I was able to block their mom on Tuesday when she texted me. I'm just not interested in her co parenting. It's really odd just reading her texts. She is just jumping into us being parents all of a sudden .

My sister has been battling cancer for a year now and that is where my mom has her attention. So there is always more going on in the world other than my divorce and how it's proceeding or not proceeding. I haven't mentioned it before because it's really not my cancer to speak of.

She just came home on Tuesday from the hospital and now my mom will be off to take care of her starting tomorrow.

As for Germany, I went with the deferment until 2022 because there is just too much uncertainty with covid and even the race organizers. I wasn't going to be able to travel as I would have wanted and it would have only been a Berlin trip. So I will wait and hopefully the world will be in a better place next year.

I did learn on Tuesday that xw is still carrying me on her medical insurance plan as I went to the dentist. I maybe blocking her but I am still listening to our son's. I did let S18 know that I had flooding issues as I know the marital home is also susceptible in heavy rain.

So he just replied with an ok. IDK if he had any water issues at home. I don't think I was going to do anything if they did however I don't think I was going to leave them with 10 feet of water in their basement either if it had happened.

Enjoy your day everyone
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on September 02, 2021, 04:38:04 PM
So she just called me through S21 phone so maybe this blocking is stupid. IDK. She was nervous and kept apologizing for bothering me and thanking me for picking up the phone. She put a gas technician on the phone who told me he had to turn off their water heater and furnace because the basement had about a foot of water.

The water had dissipated. She has someone coming on Monday to check the water heater and furnace which the technician required before service can be turned back on. As a side bar, my mom also had to have her water heater and furnace turned off because of the water and her technician is coming tomorrow.

I asked her if that was the earliest appointment she could get and she was just a nervous wreck so I said you will be fine with your Monday appointment. She asked me if she had contacted the correct service contractor for Monday and I said yes.

She appears to be very rattled and asked if I could be there on Monday when the technician arrives but I was non-committal on that one. It is still Summer so they can survive a few days without heat and hot water.

As long as the gas is turned off then there is no danger according to the gas technician.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Dumbfounded on September 02, 2021, 07:00:18 PM
Oh my goodness Watcher!! I am glad you are all safe. What a mess!!  We missed all the rain and got all the tornadoes down here. D’s college is closed for damage. Gonna be a beautiful weekend.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: UrsaMajor on September 03, 2021, 02:22:27 AM
I think the deferral was a good decision due to the uncertainty of travel restrictions, etc.

As for xW and the house, I totally understand not wanting to leave the kids with problems if the basement was flooded. I, however, also got roped in to "fixing things" in xW's apartment after she fired me form the job until I finally lost my poop and told her that, while I would do whatever was needed to ensure that the kids were cared for, she needed to find ways to fix her own stuff, that I was no longer on call and that she fired me from that position. She replied that I was still insulted that she decided to stick her head up her .... fog ... (not exactly but that was the gist of it). I just said that, no, I was taking her at her word that she wanted to do it all alone and therefore she could no longer expect me to be at her beck and call. She was an adult, it was her choice to do what she did and she was going to have to deal with the consequences of her choices.

GOOD news about the cars and all but I really don't think that swimming is on your list of things that you REALLY want to do, right?
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Treasur on September 03, 2021, 03:35:06 AM
I’m so sorry to hear about your sister, Watcher. Yes, normal life goes on around us, doesn’t it, with its normal troubles and joys. Sorry too to hear about the Berlin deferral although it sounds like a wise choice.

Glad to hear that you and your family (and cars) survived the water. That sounds horrific. Stay safe.

As Ready says, understandable that you responded about the flooding in the house - after all, you still part own it - but I guess everyone figures out where their own line is about helping a spouse who chose a life without us along with the practical consequences of that. Just working out what is and is not appropriate anymore, and you are doing so too. The world won’t end either way, will it? And it’s understandable if you are reluctant bc your xw has a track record of trying to convert an inch of generosity from you into a mile of drama! 
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on September 03, 2021, 05:27:01 AM
Hi Dumbfounded, UrsaMajor, Treasur.

Yes I saw the damage from the tornadoes. My mom does not live near any rivers so it was surprising to see those floods. I was laughing because she actually thought someone was going to rescue her, lol. It really looked like a scene that one would see in Louisiana when a hurricane hits.

Well xW made the correct phone calls. She questioned why there was no hot water so she knew to call the gas company. She also made an appointment with the service contractor so there was no reason to involve me.

Placing the gas technician on the phone with me was her being the victim. He simply told me why the gas had to be turned off. She gets to play victim with me and also the male technician at the same time.

She later texted saying her appointment for service was really 2 weeks away and not on Monday. She was really selling how the boys were already concerned about having no hot showers. That was around 7pm.

Then around 1030pm she asked me about this other company and said how they wouldn't pick up the phone. So I told her to try in the morning and gave her a few more names. I'm not making any phone calls for her because she absolutely has no problem with men. She loves the attention after all.

So my mom looked at me and said I was going to have a hard time keeping a GF as no woman is going to put up with these texts. I asked her what would she like me to do since she is now using our son's phone to contact me.

So I turned my phone off since I gave her enough contact information.

This morning my mom woke up with a different tune as she said xW is probably scared since she is alone and women are usually taken advantage of by service technicians and she said she wouldn't have been able to handle the flooding in her basement had I not been here.

So I should put my feelings for her to the side for a bit. LOL. I really have no feelings for her either way. I'm just trying to live a NC life and see my son's. That's all.

Enjoy your day
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on September 03, 2021, 07:03:45 AM
She had an appointment scheduled for today with a contact I gave her this morning and now she has canceled it because they told her the water heater would have to be replaced without even looking at it. So she will wait for her service technician to arrive on the 13th.

She says people are going to be taken advantage of at the moment because contractors are going to use the storm to pry on their fears. So she will boil water in the meantime she says and keep me updated.

Our water heater is almost 20 years old. I know it will have to be replaced but she can do as she pleases. Then she went into about filing an insurance claim to get money, lol. So I will leave it alone as I did give her enough contacts.
Title: Re: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Thunder on September 03, 2021, 07:22:16 AM
Watcher is Fema on the ground?  I know it is in NY.  I believe they can help people with paperwork to submit to the government for relief, if needed.
Title: Re: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: forthetrees on September 03, 2021, 02:59:19 PM
Any water heater over 12 years old is living on borrowed time.


Got 12 and 5/8 inches of rain here- crazy.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on September 03, 2021, 06:42:15 PM
Hi Thunder, FTT.

Yes I think I got that same amount of rain. It was just insane. I agree. That water heater has lived well beyond it's lifespan, lol.

I picked up both boys today and S21 was wearing sneakers so he was ready to go. We took the dog for a car ride and to the park for a bit before returning her back home.

I avoided both north and west New Jersey because of the flooding so we headed south to Fort Mercer which was used during the American Revolutionary War and also witnessed the Battle of Red Bank.

Then we went to Fort Mott which was constructed in 1896 in preparation for the Spanish American War. I had no answer for S18 when he asked, why the Spanish American War ? Yea he had a point.

The weather was beautiful today. Fort Mott was part of a 3 fort system on the Delaware River, with Fort Delaware sitting on an island in the middle of the river and Fort Dupont sitting on the Delaware side. One can take a ferry to Fort Delaware, which looks magnificent, but they only run 2 sorties a day and we missed the launch times. So I will have to go back someday.

I didn't want to overwhelm S21 with so much hiking therefore today was really a flat walk. I think he really is enjoying himself. Now he doesn't ask questions and it may bore him to death but I think he likes the nature aspect of it.

They both had some financial aid left over therefore S21 has purchased all of his college books and S18 needs only one which cost $204.

I had them out for 9 hours today so that means I had to feed them twice. It had the added bonus of their mom not being able to contact me with their phones, lol. Yea S21 really looks good. His transformation is really too fast for me.

I think I was shocked on Dec 15th when I learned of the divorce and I texted S18 that I was coming for him that day and he said ok. So I'm in that same state of disbelief with S21 at the moment.

S18 informed S21 on the way home that the hot water was back on as she must have texted him. I kept her blocked because I wanted to enjoy my day with the boys and not deal with her back and forth ideas.

So she most likely did use my plumber. He went to my mom's house to install her water heater and he mentioned he had just come from a lady"s home in my hometown.

He gave my mom the option of re-igniting the pilot or replacing the unit. My mom chose to replace the unit and based on that bill I can surmise xW went with just re-igniting the pilot. So it's done either way therefore she really should leave me alone now as everything is settled with the boys in school and the hot water up and running.

Tomorrow I have a 5 mile race at the beach and then work this weekend.

Have a good night
Thanks
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on September 04, 2021, 10:04:54 AM
This morning I ran my 5 mile race. IDK if I like getting up at 5 am for a race anymore. This one was supposed to be run in July 2020. So I knocked another one off.

The weather was beautiful again with a field of 1600+ runners. I had to fight my way through the crowd for the first mile which was quite annoying. I remember seeing someone playing an electric guitar, then a trumpet and later on a full band on someone's front lawn.

The lead singer was pointing out how it was 100 degrees back in 2019 when we ran it. Some people had their garden hoses out but it was cool in the 70's with no humidity. I remember the 2019 run was brutal.

My pace is a lot slower than 2019 and it's probably because this was really only my 3rd competitive run since the pandemic started. I don't really push myself when I'm practicing.

Ah I just checked and I was 35 seconds slower overall with my chip time. Could be the old age setting in. I was a lot more agile at 47, lol. So I received a new running bag today and I desperately needed one as the two I have from 2019 are starting to look worn.

Freebies are one of the perks of running because I would never breakdown to spend $1.99 on a nylon sack, lol. I also received a t shirt.

This race has a cool medallion. It's a bottle opener and wine topper. Now I have two. Next week I am back at the beach to run a race from Mother's Day 2020 as I go back in time again.

I'm whittling them down as I believe I should have only 5 more. Three of the races won't be run until 2022.

So now I'm off to work.

Enjoy your day everyone
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on September 06, 2021, 04:20:08 PM
A muddy 7 miles on the tow path this morning along the canal as Hurricane Ida really beat it up. So that will be my last run along the canal as it is in need of major repair. I ran a 12 min mile and it was similar to running on ice therefore I threw in the towel since 15 miles was never happening today.

I did rescue a turtle and actually picked it up, lol. My mom asked if I was seeing the boys today and I was like  :o. I think I have them penciled in 5 days this week.

I was hoping S18 did not want to go to the DMV tomorrow but he still wants to go and he has the dermatologist on Wednesday. I think they are just going to be appointments only as he supposedly has school and I have to work.

I will see if they are interested in doing anything this upcoming weekend. I will be running a 10K on Sunday so they just have to get used to it as this is my last race in September and I have hopefully 2 more in October.

Now I will be able to transition to running back at the beach as a change in scenery will be nice.

Enjoy your day everyone
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: UrsaMajor on September 07, 2021, 02:49:36 AM
A muddy 7 miles on the tow path this morning along the canal as Hurricane Ida really beat it up. So that will be my last run along the canal as it is in need of major repair. I ran a 12 min mile and it was similar to running on ice therefore I threw in the towel since 15 miles was never happening today.

Was this you then?

(https://media.giphy.com/media/RLcDMv5wmsH38GyBYJ/giphy.gif?cid=ecf05e476l3lm1uq77su7blycp0ra7bir2mp2k41j09k3bjt&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g)
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on September 07, 2021, 08:57:49 PM
LOL UrsaMajor,

That looks like a MLCer running for their lives from some crazed LBS that won't stop pressuring them, hahaha....Run MLCer Run......The LBS might give up eventually. ;)

Well that's exactly how it looked on the canal and my ankles and hips were not feeling it. That's me running for my life now. I guess I didn't pressure her enough UrsaMajor ,if I follow Hero Spouse doctrine, because she keeps coming back, LMAO....

Today was the DMV and I dropped S18 off as he was only allowed in by himself and I went to work which happened to be 5 minutes away. I picked him up around noon and he had to wait about an hour for me to get him. We stopped for lunch on the way home.

His mom reminded him to remind me about paying for the college textbook. So I responded to him that his mom has to pay for half of it.

He was telling me today that all of his courses now appear to be online and 3 of them don't start until October. He must be attending MLC University where they just make sh!te up !

So we will see what happens tomorrow.

Good night
Thanks UrsaMajor
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: UrsaMajor on September 07, 2021, 11:57:50 PM
His mom reminded him to remind me about paying for the college textbook. So I responded to him that his mom has to pay for half of it.

He was telling me today that all of his courses now appear to be online and 3 of them don't start until October. He must be attending MLC University where they just make sh!te up !

So we will see what happens tomorrow.


Another one for the

(https://media.giphy.com/media/9NLYiOUxnKAJLIycEv/giphy.gif?cid=ecf05e47zqzey8c7u7xd29lxjxzcvtj6ebwfarov3gyhh6b8&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g)

file.....
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on September 08, 2021, 08:47:35 PM
Hi UrsaMajor,

Well S18 was a little lukewarm this morning. He was non committal about this weekend so I'm not going to address it further with him. As of now I really only have Saturday available as I am running on Sunday. IDK if we need to continue overnights anyway unless we are going away for the weekend moving forward.

I'm sure this has to do with his mother and this college textbook. I drew the line in the sand with this textbook as she will have to pay for it in it's entirety now.

The MSA is designed to punish the non custodial parent, to keep them in line, or in a debt of servitude to the other party. That's the MSA in a nutshell. I know, I know. The truth hurts. Just like when the truth comes out about Dr Fauci one day.

So S18 has failed to provide documentation  proving he is enrolled in a college which is required by the law. He needs to provide me with his class schedule if he wants to receive financial assistance from me for college.

Again, the law applies to both parties. I know some people feel the law only applies to the non custodial parent. BTW I just like exposing the hypocrisy at this point of divorce. Stay married, LOL.

I have to explain all this nonsense because someone will bring up the MSA ,as if, that works in my favor, LOL ...

By law S18 also has to grant me unimpeded access to his grades because he has to maintain a certain GPA and full-time status but we are not there yet since school just started.

I'm beginning to question if he is actually getting credit for these courses as he has been very vague. If these are not credited courses then she loses her CS. Again I have been provided no documentation but there is this suspicious college textbook that his mother keeps requesting that I pay for ,as if, the MSA is a mandate for HER to demand payment. I know, such a mouthy non compliant non custodial parent.

Meanwhile she is your typical spineless coward who is going through a 18 yr old to extort money.

The dermatologist has already cost me $475 in out of pocket expenses and the driving school was $360. Therefore xW can stick her $200 college textbook request up her a$$. Yes the dollar sign is the perfect symbol to describe her. Oh with much agape of course.

She is still blocked and if she starts using the boys phones to contact me then I will block those lines. S21 never contacts me nor responds to my texts so his number will not be a loss if it is blocked.

So if they want to do anything this weekend then I am only offering Saturday as an option. If not, I will just wait for S18 to contact me. Again there is a lot of unseen control being exerted behind the scenes as usual and a lot has to do with my spending of money on food, which is rich coming from a deadbeat ex wife, acting like her word matters.
Title: Re: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: forthetrees on September 09, 2021, 03:48:59 AM
Sometimes I would check the textbook out of the library at the start of a semester and then just renew. Worth a try.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Dumbfounded on September 09, 2021, 05:27:51 AM
We rent a lot of D’s textbooks from Amazon. It is a cheaper option that you could explore.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on September 09, 2021, 05:41:41 AM
Hi FTT, Dumbfounded.

That's a good idea. I was also going to ask S18 to look into a used copy if he can find one online. The cost of this one book is really not the issue.

She is acting ,as if, we are not divorced. I went along with the DMV because I know he needs to have an ID. Then I learned he has an ID from the DMV already and it's just not a driver's license.

I then went along with the dermatologist because he needs the treatment and his mom was doing nothing about it because it entailed spending money and it's expensive.

She is not even asking to split the cost as she just wants me to pay for the book because he is my son. This was our marriage in a nutshell. I paid the bills and it freed her up to enjoy her money.

IDK if I really was standing or I was just stuck all those years. That high school bill kept me stuck and it gave me the excuse to stand. How am I supposed to really move forward if I always have to think about these kids who live with their mother ?

He is over 18 now so it's just odd. I would like to plan my weekend since I'm off so that's why I asked him yesterday about his plans. "IDK" really doesn't help me to plan my day, lol.

She has taken S21 to college the past 2 days as he has in class sessions while our other son has all online courses. It makes no sense. We all ran into each other yesterday as I dropped S18 back off at home. I didn't even pull to the curbside as she was standing outside of her car, lol.

So I will wait to see if S18 reaches out to me as I'm sure his mom is applying enough pressure on him already.

Enjoy your day
Thanks
Title: Re: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Thunder on September 09, 2021, 06:15:05 AM
Watcher why not just tell S18 you need to know what his plans are for Saturday so you can make your own plans?  You know kids never think parents has lives too.  ::)

How about taking copies of the Dermatologist and the Drivers training bills you paid, give them to S18 to give to his mother and say you need her to reimburse you for half the payments?

Bet that would shut her up about the $200 book.   ;D

Sorry I didn't mean your son needs to know what it is, just put it in an envelope and ask him to please give this to his mother.
Better than texting her because that just opens the door again for her.
Title: Re: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: UrsaMajor on September 09, 2021, 06:30:29 AM
Watcher why not just tell S18 you need to know what his plans are for Saturday so you can make your own plans?  You know kids never think parents has lives too.  ::)
<snort!>  THAT is a fact.....

How about taking copies of the Dermatologist and the Drivers training bills you paid, give them to S18 to give to his mother and say you need her to reimburse you for half the payments?
(https://media.giphy.com/media/hqXsVAHXaMaOY/giphy.gif?cid=ecf05e47ilbj1zeknzqrzf74l7cllcgsk3l7yf9b0muvoiiv&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g)

Bet that would shut her up about the $200 book.   ;D
(https://media.giphy.com/media/mks5DcSGjhQ1a/giphy.gif?cid=ecf05e47t7bdkugbgtu8yqcdq6o850ejtw6d2mdlx30hb2xf&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g)

Sorry I didn't mean your son needs to know what it is, just put it in an envelope and ask him to please give this to his mother.
Better than texting her because that just opens the door again for her.

Fact!

Thunder, I'll save you a seat on that bus to Hades with that suggestion regarding the bills....
Title: Re: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Thunder on September 09, 2021, 06:51:54 AM
 ;D  We're gonna have a full bus pretty soon.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on September 09, 2021, 08:52:19 AM
LOL UrsaMajor, Thunder.

Well S18 said she asked the school for more financial aid and it was granted so problem solved.

I was thinking yesterday how our lives are still so intertwined. She was on her way to take S21 to college while I was dropping off S18 from his dermatologist appointment and our paths crisscrossed. I hope this doesn't fall under the definition of co parenting because I'm an anti co parent.

She has asked him no questions about the dermatologist. However, I can tell they do have a relationship because he does talk about her. Meanwhile, his lips were all cracked yesterday and I forgot to buy chapstick. That's a side effect from the dermatology treatment.

How does she not notice his cracked lips ? Why can't he ask her to buy chapstick ? The other day at the DMV he was only allowed in by himself and that was good as he had to handle it himself. So yesterday I did the same thing at the dermatologist as I just remained in the waiting room and he made his next appointment when he was finished with the doctor.

The lab appointments are a different story as he has difficult veins apparently and they like to blame him for not drinking water as they prick him too many times for my liking so I have to stay on top of those technicians.

It's good that she got them into college and so I will give her credit, begrudgingly, for that one, for the moment, because who knows what crimes she really committed and where she buried the bodies, lol.
Title: Re: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: forthetrees on September 09, 2021, 03:51:03 PM
Yeah as in was it more financial aid or a bigger loan?
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on September 09, 2021, 05:05:24 PM
FTT,

S18 says he has not taken out any loans and this is all financial aid. When he first brought this to my attention last week my immediate response was to write him a check in the full amount. He said the school wouldn't accept a check so that was a red flag as that would be something she would say because she has had that no check policy with me in the past.

I'm thinking the books were never an issue and this most likely was an attempt to grab cash from me by her.

It's difficult to know for sure because no one is producing any paperwork. If it were a legitimate request then she easily could have produced an invoice or some type of documentation.

I went to school with the boys on August 27 to register S21 and S18 said all his books were paid for when I asked him since he had already registered. He then mentioned this book expense for the first time on September 1st. Then again on the 3rd and the 7th.

I believe financial aid or even a loan is issued just once and then it's dispersed from what I remember. I don't think you can go back on another day and ask for more. She took them on both days to get their financial aid dispersed. She probably took S21 on September 1st and S18 would have been around August 24th. So everything would have been handled on those 2 days.

Now I do realize they only know what she is feeding them. So if she is telling them it's financial aid then they are believing its financial aid. If she is telling S18 he needs a book then he is going to believe he needs a book.

She will take advantage of me if I allow it so I have to hold her in suspicion.

So she has them both in college but she won't share any information nor documentation. All she had to do was produce a book bill. We will see what happens.

Thanks
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: OffRoad on September 09, 2021, 05:57:27 PM
I am passing along my knowledge of my kids going to college. Your sons can give permission for you to have access to their school accounts. My kids schools wanted that because then they sent the bill for whatever to everyone on the list hoping someone would pay it. They hated me because I pinned them to the ground when they threw a spaghetti bill at my wall I I factually told them no one on our side was required to pay (D had a lot of grants that sometimes didn't come though until 2 months into the semester). But it did give me access to see everything that was being billed, what was owed, what had been paid. Then there is no question of what your "half" might be, what the classes are, what has been granted as financial aid, what the grades are. I know, it all makes so much logical sense, I'm sure no one will agree to allowing you to see it all.  ::)

Regarding chapstick and anything else your son needs. Again, speaking from my own experience. My son will not ask for anything. He is making his needs miniscule, just like I did with his father. When your kids live with the MLC parent, you cannot tell me they are not in constant fear that they will be "sent away" just like their other parent was. It takes slightly over two weeks from the time my son gets here for him to stop behaving like some freakazoid jerk and acting like: my asking him to do something isn't some kind of major burden, acting like he expects me to yell at him when he makes an honest mistake, not eating anything for fear of eating the wrong thing, beating himself up when he does something that causes something to get ruined or stained, acting in an angry manner just in general for no reason that D or I can figure out (and he will not say). When he finally levels out, I make sure to let him know to ask if he needs anything, and he usually does. But he makes do without, because that is how he lives with his father. Mattress on the floor because the bed frame wore out. One set of sheets. Moved from his original room to a smaller one in the basement. His choice to live like that, and he knows he is welcome here. But how does a kid reconcile having a parent who is entitled, selfish and maybe a little crazy? All I can do is be here, let him know I am here, and invite him into my life as he wishes.

If I were you, I'd be proud that S18 thinks enough of you to ask for what HE needs, not what his mother wants, but what HE needs. It's not always easy when he may have asked for help with the dermatologist from his mother, for example, and was told it wasn't important or important enough (translates to HE was not important in most kid's minds)

And I second Amazon for renting books. Worked a treat for us. I sent more books back for full price at the end of the semester because they had never been unwrapped. Turned out they weren't actually needed.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Reinventing on September 09, 2021, 10:45:06 PM
Watcher. Financial aid is a mixture of federal, state, and institutional grants and scholarships (your son doesn't pay back) and federal and personal loans (your son pays back). Then there is EFC, which is the expected family contribution, which would be based on her completing a FAFSA form that is based on her last year's taxes. That can be $0 or more than $0 and if it is more than $0, it can be paid on a payment plan. A person can ask for more aid that sometimes means more grants/scholarships, but can also mean more loans or the answer can be "no". Sometimes, for the loans, they ask for a parent to co-sign.

Your son would need to fill out a FERPA release for you to have access, directly from the institution he is attending, to his grades and such. That's the educational version of the medical HIPAA.

There are often lots of "outside" and "inside" scholarships available that students don't apply for (sadly). They are available from outside organizations or from the instution he is attending ("inside"). They can be, for example, if one of his grandparents was a veteran, or through someone's place of work, or have very specific criteria such as for someone who has purple and green hair and was in the chess club.

I know that your xw is not to be trusted and you don't want to get sucked in to her schemes and drama about this. I just wanted you to have some information and language at your fingertips.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Treasur on September 10, 2021, 01:17:21 AM
Sounds like some useful advice from others here who have been in similar situations, Watcher.

Here’s the additional thing that strikes me...
Quote
Now I do realize they only know what she is feeding them. So if she is telling them it's financial aid then they are believing its financial aid. If she is telling S18 he needs a book then he is going to believe he needs a book.

She will take advantage of me if I allow it so I have to hold her in suspicion.
I get why this is your POV. And I get that you have plenty of examples of it.
But I wonder if it is also maintaining a kind of residual pattern or triangle of xw/sons/Watcher that doesn’t serve you or your sons well. If it means you unconsciously see your sons as an extension of her, if it means you make assumptions or are suspicious of them bc of that, if it means unconsciously that your xw continues to play a bigger role in your life and head than you might now want.
This stuff is complicated as hell, too darn complicated for a forum of strangers that’s for sure  :) And please understand me, I am not saying that you don’t have plenty of good reason to think and feel how you do. I just see from the cheap seats a long way away that it might be a trauma residue that is getting in the way of beginning to treat your sons as the individual young adults they actually are or indeed holding them responsible for their own behaviour and choices as young adults rather than dependent children and forming a more independent relationship with them. I’m not downplaying the emotional effects of your xw’s behaviour on all of you, please don’t hear that in my words, but of course you can’t change her behaviour or POV as I know you know.

Forgive me bc I can’t recall....are you seeing a decent IC to help you navigate this stage of you and your sons life? To find a way to further reduce her metaphorical presence in your collective lives and heads. Bc I honestly think there’s a chance that doing so might help you deal with the residual patterns in a way that might be more like the direction you want life to take. Jmo.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Reinventing on September 10, 2021, 05:04:18 AM
Watcher, one more quick thing. This time of year is when companies begin advertising for internships for next summer. That would be a great way to build your sons' learning and experiences and help them become independent in the long run.

A lot of students need guidance to go through the application process and how to interview. Given your line of work, you would be particularly great at helping them through that process.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on September 10, 2021, 08:25:27 AM
Hi OffRoad, Reinventing, Treasur.

Those are good points OR. I never considered it from that perspective and the post was helpful to see from your point of view. I don't believe I view the boys as extensions of her Treasur. Now I do admit she is a pure negative reaction and it's immediate whether it's a text or she is standing outside the house.

I will never allow her and I to be friends, acquaintances, exchange pleasantries, exchange vulgarities, nor acknowledge each other. I will never be in her presence.

Yes I answered her phone call and gave her a plumbers referral. So I'm a contradiction, lol. I did that more for my son's since they live with her and they both complained all day last Friday about their cold shower.

Yes I have no control nor access to his college financials Reinventing. That S18 does not have to provide me. He has to provide his schedule proving that he is enrolled as a full time student which I have not asked for since I just learned about college 2 weeks ago.

That really would only come into play if I were to petition the court to end CS after he turns 19, which would be at the conclusion of his Freshman year.

Legally I wouldn't have to pay for books nor excess tuition costs if he failed to provide me his schedule and grades each semester. He would forfeit my financial college assistance.

So there are 2 separate issues at play. One is my college financial support which is to be split 50/50 with his mother and the 2nd is the CS issue which also requires a full time status and a certain GPA to maintain support.

I'm not pushing matters one way or the other unless he drops out of course. I'm glad they are both in college, meanwhile I'm not thrilled about continuing to pay CS, but I want them both to succeed, while I curse their mom under my breath for all eternity, lol.

Enjoy your day

Thank you
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on September 10, 2021, 06:50:28 PM
I realize that for 5.5 years I had to pursue our son's in order to maintain a relationship because we never would have seen each other if I hadn't. So now I don't know how to proceed in my non custodial/ kids are 18+ years old status. Let them come to me now I gather.

Yes I believe the custodials are having all the fun and I'm envious. ;D

Today I went to Kickboxing after work as that is my routine during the week. S18 texted me after I was finished and he asked what time were we going out today.

So I informed him that we had made no plans for today. Remember he was non committal on Wednesday when I asked him.

He didn't want to do overnights this weekend and I am fine with that as he said he had homework and other things to do. Again this overnights issue was bothering him on Wednesday. It's not a big deal to me and I told him so.

So I asked him if tomorrow would work for him and he said ok but only for dinner, lol. Well IDK if I want to go to dinner. That's fine during the week but I like to go out on the weekends. Yes I can go out by myself and meet him for dinner. It wouldn't be a problem.

IDK what's going on with him this week. I think part of me feels if I don't keep things going then we are going to have a relapse and there will be 8 months of NC because that has happened during the crisis.

Now I lived with my father but I didn't hang out with him when I was 18. Fathers have a presence in the house and sometimes that is all that is needed. Well I'm not in the house and I don't live with my sons so it's not that easy to navigate.

Have a good night
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Father5 on September 10, 2021, 08:53:25 PM
Hi Watcher,

   Your kids are at an age when they will ha e a lot of plans and not want to hang out with either parent. This is a (me) phase and it’s the sign of growing up and that’s a good thing. 

  I have step kids that are all in or have graduated college in the last few years. I ha e no idea what their mom has said about me to them. I reach out a few  times a year and when they are in town to meet up. I haven’t had any luck but I let them know I am thinking about them and I am here for them if needed. Unconditional love.

  When this first started I would offer to do something I know they enjoy. I usually involved a mani-pedi or something of that nature.  Life as we all know has many ups and downs. I want to make sure they know that no matter what I will always be there for them in a down times by letting them no subtialy that I am here in the good times.

 You  are doing the things that you need to do Watcher. Life will be harder for them at some point and it will be you they come too.
Title: Re: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Thunder on September 10, 2021, 09:16:58 PM
I agree with Father5, Watcher.

Dealing with teens can be frustrating some times.
Just give S18 your work schedule for the week and let him know the days and hours you are available and let him let you know what will work for you both.
Just  "Looking forward to seeing you."

That is the best way to deal with him.
Let him come to you by giving him the option.

It will be letting him know you want to see him but you are not pressuring him.

Just my 2 cents.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Reinventing on September 10, 2021, 11:25:01 PM
Quote
So there are 2 separate issues at play. One is my college financial support which is to be split 50/50 with his mother and the 2nd is the CS issue which also requires a full time status and a certain GPA to maintain support.

Yes, I see her interest in them going to college is the CS.

Since you are paying 50%, if you had him sign a FERPA release, then you can obtain his grades and financial aid information directly from the school, usually by logging in to their system. Then you can make any payments directly to the school instead of to him or through her and you know what the real numbers are.

The FERPA form and the instructions will be on their website or portal that your sons log on to when they access the University system.

Just a thought as you navigate all this. It is better that they are under her FAFSA since she makes less than you.

I am sorry for all you've been through all these years with such a conniving person.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on September 11, 2021, 06:46:09 PM
Hi Father5, Thunder, Reinventing.

Today I went to get my race materials for tomorrow and S18 was looking for me as he wanted to know what time we were going out. He is the one who set the time yesterday, lol.

His two issues are the video games and I drive long distances. I told him today I could have had his appointment for the written exam but he declined because it was a 2 hour drive. Well he doesn't want his license that bad I guess. There is no longer a local DMV in our state. One has to travel and everyone is fighting for the appointment scraps.

He was real talkative so I think he is fine. I did take him to 2 appointments this past week so maybe this contact is enough for him. S21 also joined us and I think they look forward to going out to eat.

Now I would have preferred to get S21 some exercise today and maybe I lean on S18 too much to influence his brother.

S21 has his DMV appointment this week and he may have to cancel due to school. He seems excited about school and he easily talked about the DMV with me so he continues to look comfortable with me.

Then he wished me a good night when I dropped them back home and I almost fell out the car, lol. I did let them know my schedule for the week. S21 has to let me know what his plans will be for the DMV by Friday.

Yes only her information appears on the FAFSA and her salary is about 20k less than what appears in the MSA. I only know the number because S18 mentioned it at the time as he wanted to know why he couldn't use my information.

Maybe one day there will be a direct line of communication with S21 and we won't have to use his brother as the point of contact.

So they both looked fine and ,again, maybe this is all the contact they need at the moment.

Have a good night

Thank you

Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on September 14, 2021, 08:28:30 AM
Well I know the "MLCer" has an order of reconnection however I never read the part where it said the "MLCer" forces the LBS to reconnect with the kids, lol.

Oh here I was just settling into my week and I made it all the way to Tuesday. I went to kickboxing this morning and it's already dark at 6am. S18 texted me around 1030am and his mother wanted to know if I could take him to school to pick up this never ending 3 week odyssey of a college textbook.

Now the gym is close to their town so I wasn't going back again today since I have to get ready for work. So I let him know that I could take him tomorrow morning if that worked for him. After all I will be at the gym anyway but they don't know that.

He replied, he will see if that's ok with her. LOL....

I ran my 10K on Sunday and the weather was beautiful. My pace was a bit slower again than it was in 2019 and I attribute that to running too much by myself. This was only my 4th competitive run since the pandemic started.

I have a half marathon in 2 weeks as I test out all the distances prior to the marathon.

Enjoy your day everyone
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: UrsaMajor on September 15, 2021, 02:41:56 AM
What does it matter if it is OK with MommyDearest? Is it OK with S18 is the question....

Poor kid is still being led around by a nose ring....
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on September 15, 2021, 03:51:49 AM
Hi UrsaMajor,

I don't believe S18 even wanted to text me about taking him to school to pick up his book. I think he is currently withdrawing because of her pressure. She has gone in the complete opposite direction where she wants him to always contact me.

So he had to ask me when S21 DMV appointment was scheduled, even though, I already discussed this with the boys, and he later texted me to let me know that S21 would have to cancel. I will not be rescheduling any appointment for S21 since he knows his schedule better than me and the drivers license is being forced on him by his mother.

They eventually decided that his mom would take him to school today to pick up the textbook. Stay tuned to see if that really happens.

S18 said we should be good for dinner this week so that is all he wants for contact at the moment. He wanted Friday but I can only do Saturday so we will see.

So if anyone is going to kill our relationship it will be her and her control issues.
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: UrsaMajor on September 15, 2021, 03:57:09 AM
Hi UrsaMajor,
<.....snip.....>
So if anyone is going to kill our relationship it will be her and her control issues.

(https://media.giphy.com/media/qiDb8McXyj6Eg/giphy.gif?cid=ecf05e474queuzk4e80vaw3vkomrpnh72onga7qf9n07bgfx&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g)
Title: BRAND NEW MAN 13
Post by: Watcher on September 18, 2021, 07:27:41 PM
Today I really hadn't planned on running so I got off to a late start and ran when the sun was at it's apex which wasn't a good idea. I thought the temps would be cooler at the beach however there was absolutely no ocean air today. Just a booming sun bringing the heat.

I usually run at 8am and anything after 11am is really not an ideal time to start running. I was able to log 8.5 miles but I had to slow myself down as it was just too hot and I really felt it.

I was questioning my conditioning for this upcoming marathon but I really think it was just the heat. It was 86 degrees today in full sun while ideal running temps probably hover around 50-60 degrees.

I texted S18 afterwards and he said we were still on for tonight, so I went home and showered, then picked the boys up for dinner.

We went to this Cantonese restaurant for our second time and it was not crowded. The food is really good and they have nice decor with music playing. IDK if my son's pay attention to the details.

S18 talked a little bit about college and his brother was quiet tonight. S18 also said he really wants his license before he turns 20 now. So he has kicked his driver license aspirations down the road it seems. He is still taking the written exam next Saturday but I will leave it to the both of them to pursue their license now.

After dinner we walked around a bit checking out some future dinner prospects as they have French, Italian, Greek and Vietnamese. So we made tentative plans for Thursday.

They wanted to go home so I took them home. S18 just wanted to make sure I was coming to get them on Thursday as he departed the car as he wants to try Italian.

I think he was feeling me out wondering if I'm like his mother. It was almost like he was saying, I really hope you are not going to get mad and stop seeing us. Now I know there has been a shift and she is the culprit behind it.

So what can I do. I made a few suggestions after dinner and they just wanted to go home. Their mom was home when I picked them up and S18 was receiving his text instructions as I drove.

At some point they are going to have to stop pretending that their mom is normal. So we will see what happens but I think they have taken a few steps back at the moment.

Have a good night