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Our Community / Love and insanity
« Latest by Tornup on Today at 10:41:35 AM »
Marvin-  I feel detached and without pain until I talk to him. His utter despair than pulls me back in.  Also, no I do not feel disrespectful since we are divorced. He is the one that has said he couldn't live without me. I have said over and over that if he wants to let me go I am ready and he always says he can not make it more than 2 weeks. It wasn’t a divorce of I don't want to be with you, but a divorce of I cant look at you and live with myself. With that I have reassured him of the man I know him to be and have tried to help him to get back there. If that has changed I have told him to tell me so I can fully move on.

I think that was my reason to force the issue. Which one? You can’t have both. If he chooses her than she should be enough. I am definitely not over the shock of the abandonment and divorce that has been only 8 months. However, I am much further than I thought I would be. I know I can live each day without despair. Even though alone I dont feel alone like I did in the first 7 months.

I now know he is worse than he was when he left. He is beginning to face the destruction and loss of his family, but he has no where to go with it. He has disconnected from all his family and the OW is the only person in his life. That relationship is an escape. I have been his life line. I DO realize that I can no be that.

When he calls I will tell him that I have to move on and he must live his life as he chose. Letting go of a person breaking down in tears that you have never witnessed in 30 years is much more difficult than I thought.  He is a diagnosed  major depressive and all you see and are told is DON’T abandon them. The fear of suicide I think is what has always kept me from totally disconnecting and even though I can go NO CONTACT on my end  I feel I could never not answer his call.  The fear if I don't it could be life ending for him. That I think has been my biggest mind battle.
Our Community / Re: Love and insanity
« Latest by marvin4242 on Today at 09:51:27 AM »
I’m again so torn between the love and sanity after coming so far. I really don't know if total detachment from someone so clearly  broken and only has one person in his life that is allowing him to stay in his detached escape while she uses him for his money is the right thing to do .  He still says he loves me, but  he can not handle the baggage basically of what he created still.

My opinion only. Brief version: absolutely right thing to do.

Longer version. From following your store you are not detached, you do not seem like you are living your life comfortable separately from him. Detachment is not no contact or not interacting with your H. It is about getting to a place where you have no demands, needs, wants, and your life (emotional and otherwise) is in no way entangled with his. I believe IF you can get there, and there is NO HARM in you interacting with him you can then sit on the sidelines.

But this still means accepting that you CAN NOT help him, you CAN NOT rescue him, you CAN NOT tell him what to do or force him into “healing.” To me everything you wrote above is the opposite of detachments, and its still all about you trying to make things ok for him (and by extension for you). And its about you maybe not accepting at all that you have no power, and its really not your place nor your job to “tell him” anything.

Also on a more practical level you are divorced, no? So isn’t it a bit disrespectful and infantalizing to make demands of someone who has said they want to leave, has left and who’s life is now separate from yours?

I would suggest until and unless you really get to detachment all the other questions you raised are kind of moot.
Our Community / Love and insanity
« Latest by Imokay on Today at 09:26:19 AM »
I’m confused because NOW he is stating he thinks about. Me, loves me, has thoughts of could we get back together. These are things that were not being said before. but yet he picked her. So, do I let him live his journey no matter how detrimental it is to him and our family? Do I leave the door open for him to contact me? Do I say the door is closed and you made you choice?
 I don’t think NO MATTER WHAT if I close the door and he has a revelation that he would ever tell me or contact me. Is that the door that should be closed?  I am back to clearly this is a man in TOTAL crisis. That I have loved for 3 decades. Do I just walk away.? 
He is calling me next week with a clearer head for us to make a decision on what our relationship will be going forward. Friendship or No friendship. I think it is all my decision. I honestly don’t know what to do. I can’t imagine not having him in my life at all, but I don’t know what I should ask for to remain in contact. Do I roll the dice and tell him as long as he is in a relationship in any way with OW there is no place for me?
That may seem to be the only option and I will have to let him  make it or break it.  I need insight as I  am clearly torn between love and insanity at this moment.

I’m so sorry. This is such a tough place to be. I’m reading your story, and while I’m earlier on the timeline into this crazy ride, I feel similar.  I have found writing out my feeling in letters has helped. I probably won’t actually send any of them, but at least I was honest with myself through writing it down. For me, as long as the OW are even a thought, I’m out. I need to distance myself from my Hs life and hope he can see things for himself.  I wish you the best!!!!
Our Community / Steady as she goes...
« Latest by Curiosity on Today at 09:16:56 AM »
FW, good to hear from you, and thank you!

It’s interesting… the more I feel like I am settling into this new/old version of myself, the more I feel like she is settling into our home and even in some ways back into our life. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not going back to what we were before BD. If and when she reaches a point where we can openly discuss a future together and what we both need and want in a healthy relationship, we will have that discussion. But I will not slide back into that place where I defined myself as primarily being the reliable support system from which she could pursue her dreams. I am a fully-formed person, with my own dreams and hopes and fears, with my own wants and needs and passions, and I am on my own journey to make sure my life has purpose and joy. There’s room for her to be a part of it, but my ability to find and pursue purpose and joy does not rely on her presence.

Settling into our routine post-MIL leaving. She went home a week ago; w and I each took a short trip and are now back at home. I’ve been doing some reading, listening to a lot of writing podcasts, getting involved in a bit of research on various topics that I enjoy. I love learning and it feels like my natural curiosity is fully reawakened. I am keeping in contact with friends and family, taking care of myself. There is some more caution creeping into our daily lives as Covid cases increase, but there is still room for us to engage with the world, albeit with a few more precautions than we needed to take a month or two ago.
Our Community / Love and insanity
« Latest by xyzcf on Today at 09:07:35 AM »
He is in crisis and his actions are very similar to many many others. The more you understand about MLC the easier it will be. This is not about you or how he feels about you. It is not about the OW.
So, do I let him live his journey no matter how detrimental it is to him and our family? Do I leave the door open for him to contact me? Do I say the door is closed and you made you choice?
Yes, you let him live his own journey.  Only he may be able to figure it out or not. You cannot do it for him.
Giving him an ultimatum of making him choose you or you close the door is only if that is what you truly want to do.  Even if he were to “choose” you he could leave again the next week. He does not sound like he is anywhere near through his crisis.
So as we always say, continue to live your own life “ as though he is never coming back”.
They are a mess and we cannot help them.

Our Community / Stronger Now In Broken Places
« Latest by FaithWalker on Today at 08:51:14 AM »
Thank you DF.  I'm headed over to my M's for the final Saturday before we leave.  We leave on Tuesday.  Tomorrow I will spend the day cleaning my own house and packing for the trip.  Monday is a work day.

Looks like I am at post 150 so I will lock this thread and start a new one when I get back.
Our Community / Cleaning Out the Garage
« Latest by FaithWalker on Today at 08:49:03 AM »
Oh man DF, that sucks.  I'm sure he was pretty uncomfortable.  Sometimes, third parties just tolerate the way things are as a means to keeping the peace.  I have had to see that too.  Mutual friends that have liked things on social media that my MLCEdgar or his Covidwifey have posted.  I try my best not to look these days.  And if I inadvertently see something I just repeat the phrase "water off a ducks back" until I no longer care.
Our Community / Deciding to stand and how to really detach?
« Latest by Imokay on Today at 08:42:32 AM »

But, practically speaking, anyone who is as self-absorbed and angry and indifferent to others as these crisis folks seem to be make poor quality friends for anyone. And their behaviour to us is not within spitting distance of any kind of friendship at all. Jmo.

This resonates with me, I keep forgetting my H is no longer my H. The respect and love are diminished, he doesn’t care about me like a friend does. It’s difficult to remember as  he continue to do odd chores for me when he picks up the kids or will send me a random text here and there-. Like the dinner the other night, he’s offered to do some family outings with us. It’s tempting, but I’ve mostly declined. It’s just enough contact to keep me hooked-I feel this is all just out of guilt.
 I’ve drafted a letter telling him that this contact needs to stop, but I haven’t had the strength to send it. I’ve told myself I have the summer to think about the type of contact I can handle, but I already know I do much better when I don’t see him.   We LBH spouses seemed to be damed if we do, and damed if we don’t!!?! Who knows, right!!!!?!?
Happy belated birthday.  The first one after BD for me was about a month and a half after the D was final.  It was a sad birthday, but it passed, and the next one was better, and the one after that even better.  Now, if no one is planning anything for my birthday, I make plans, and I have a fabulous day doing something I love.

Like OR and Ursa said, you can do this.  It will get easier.  There is a whole lot of suck, but you will get through it.  Things will start looking up.

To this day, I still think it would have been easier if my H had stayed and worked things out.  But the fact of the matter is that he chose his path and it is separate from my own.  Whether this is for now, or a permanent separation, what we LBS do remains the same. 
Our Community / Changed. Change. Changing!
« Latest by FaithWalker on Today at 08:11:04 AM »
Great updates Sam.  I'm sorry to hear about the health issues.  My hip gives me pain fits now and again, so I understand.  Keep on keeping on!

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