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Author Topic: My Story Becoming myself through tears

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My Story Re: Becoming myself through tears
#40: August 08, 2022, 03:14:35 AM
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Each deals with it in their own way but in each way it is heartbreaking.  Unfortunately for our oldest two, I think the damage will not be able to be mended fully ever. 

Know this scenario too well. Even 9+yrs on my S (15 at BD) hates H with a passion for everything that he did to our family and to him personally.  My two Ds (23 and 25 at BD) are on good terms with H because they had a lot longer with the good part of him.

I doubt S will ever want to connect with H in any meaningful way.  It breaks my heart because I know how much H adored S when he was younger and how much he says  now that he still loves S. But H won't acknowledge his role in the hurt so it's stalemate. It's something that none of us as parents ever want to see in the people we love and want to protect the most.
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« Last Edit: August 15, 2022, 01:59:44 AM by Songanddance »
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

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Becoming myself through tears
#41: August 14, 2022, 03:34:00 PM
SD, I don't think my H will ever acknowledge his part either in the hurt of my children.  It makes me sad and mad.  I tried to explain it to him that our kids are really hurting.  He of course told me I was trying to guilt trip him.

It's been a rough few days over here.  My D has been crying uncontrollably every night.  One son has also been in tears.  Oldest is picking fights with everyone.  I am so worn out and worn down.  Add to that, H calls asking about insurance and then asks about him moving around the corner.  I had to tell him I didn't want to see him around or his cOW.  He thinks it will be better for the kids.  (doubtful) He thinks they can go to his house after school (he typically isn't off work sometimes for hours later) or come have dinner (which he doesn't even cook) with him.  He also told me he and cOW are planning on cohabitating in said house around the corner until they eventually get married.  I asked when he was going to introduce cOW.  He doesn't know.  I told him that he needs to show care in how that happens as I don't think it will go very well.  He seemed shocked and then wanted to know why and what did I tell the kids.  I haven't said anything other than to my oldest and told him he needed to be respectful.  It's like he has his head so far up his.... fantasy land that he can't possibly understand why our kids wouldn't like her.  I asked if he realized that eventually they will know exactly who she is and what roll she played in our divorce and he said yes.  He had the guts to tell me he cares about me.  He did it again this morning which of course just upset me all day.  Of course he doesn't care about me in the way a husband should care about a wife, but why say it at all?  I've been a crying mess.  He doesn't care.  How could he care.  This world, this mess, this fake reality feels like it will become his only reality and he will permanently erase mine.  I know it's not about us, but it sure does feel like it.  Sometimes he still seems like he cares, he tries to reassure me, or listens or tries to help.  It almost makes it all the more unbearable.  I also hate that I still want comfort from him, I still want my marriage but he isn't healthy for me and doesn't want me.  I read about people whose spouses realize the mistake they have made but don't feel any hope for myself and my marriage.  This morning he made an interesting comment about how he is trying to figure out who he is and he doesn't know.  Why is blowing up your whole life necessary to discovering yourself?  I will never truly understand this whole MLC and how someone can so callously destroy so many other people. 
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Becoming myself through tears
#42: August 14, 2022, 06:44:02 PM
LaB- How difficult it must be to have to deal with your kids, the home and your H wanting to move so close to you with the ow.  I hear what the MLCers are saying, and they are truly living in some weird fantasy world.  My H (when he thought he had a chance with the 20-year-old "woman", legitimately thought we could all be best friends.  He said as much. I thought he must have been smoking crack it is so outrageous.

 I think that he says these things to you (about caring about you etc...) just shows you his confusion and ambivalence he has about his feelings. You know if he does move in with the ow (I'm not sure if he is currently living with her or if he is planning to only move in with her in this new house) that may be a huge dose of reality.  I think moving in with someone will speed up limerence removal (this is just my opinion).  In fact, while I'm glad that my H never did get the girl...I also feel that it makes the limerence last longer.  You know double edge sword. 

I also know what you mean about blowing up your life for them to find themselves.  I never did understand this either.  In fact, this whole MLC thing still sounds just crazy to me even after all of the research and learning I have done.  My H changed nothing else except me and where he  lives.  Didn't change his job, his car etc...  Hard to not take it personally.  Anyway, just want to send you hugs that you have to do it all b/c of your H.  I was feeling a boatload of anger today over the fact that I'm stuck with all of the responsibilities while H runs off and plays teenager. Sending you hugs to get through. xo
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« Last Edit: August 14, 2022, 06:48:41 PM by thissucks7788 »

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Becoming myself through tears
#43: August 14, 2022, 06:45:30 PM
If you could understand it you would also be in MLC.  :P

This, to me, is the worst part of all the mlc mess. The kids. The insane MLCers have the attitude that the kids "will be fine" or "are resilient" or will "get over it".  They should know better than anyone that people don't "get over"  really anything in their life. Everyone has to figure out how to deal with what happens, but it's always going to be there in the back of their minds.

Here's the bad news. You cannot control what your H does or where he lives or if he sees the kids or treats them well. That is out of your hands, him being delusional or not.

The GOOD  news is you do get to control yourself and your boundaries.  This is where you need to get to. Get away from what he thinks and if he cares. He cares about himself and his image most likely. Most MLCers do. It's best to look at what is good for you and good for the children. You need to be the sane parent. And that isn't easy when you are hurting yourself, you are rightfully exhausted because everything has fallen to you.

And so you must take care of you and your kids with no mind to what your H is doing. It doesn't matter if he says he "cares", his actions say different. Keep moving forward, one step at a time as if he is never going to return. If he doesn't you'll be in a good place, if he does you'll still be in a good place. Keep fighting for what you and your kids deserve and accept nothing less.

Hugs. Getting your sea legs takes a little while.



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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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Becoming myself through tears
#44: August 14, 2022, 09:19:45 PM
Thissucks and OffRoad, you both are right.  I think if they move in together the fantasy will crash sooner.  I shouldn’t worry about him or if he cares, it’s a hard thing to turn off.  I guess I have something to talk to my therapist about this week. Stupid monkey brain. 

While it’s been emotional and a hard day a friend saw me upset and invited us over to dinner.  Not having to cook and getting to relax and eat was exactly what I needed.  I also love her daughters and so it was fun getting to see them and catch up with their latest.  I also decided I needed to push myself forward a little so I reached out to my old advisor from grad school, told him what happened, and now have a zoom call this week with him to talk about the best way to restart my career.  Interestingly, he shared that both he and his wife of 20 years were both abandoned by their first spouses.  I never knew this, just that he had remarried and his wife had been divorced as well.  I’m a little nervous but excited to start working towards something again.  I had 4 years into a PhD program when I quit and ended up with a masters to support my H in his career/education.  Now I have to decide if I want to go back to school, take a few classes, maybe do some research or something to help me get back to being employable.  I also got a plea from one of my kids teachers who needs help in the classroom so I will be doing that this week.  I’ve always had a hard time making it in since we moved away from family and the last couple of years with covid volunteers weren’t allowed.  I’m looking forward to being there and focusing on that. 
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Becoming myself through tears
#45: August 14, 2022, 10:23:09 PM
Good for you, reaching out to your old advisor! That's the way to do good things for yourself!

Glad you got a bit of a break, too. Sometimes a small refill will fo wonders.
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Becoming myself through tears
#46: August 15, 2022, 12:25:12 AM
Well done, you!

My first reaction when I read your post was that you are talking to him too much, LaB. Or more accurately, listening to him too much. From the old cheap seats, it’s all textbook MLC nonsense.....remember they only have three channels in MLC....rage, self-pity and charm. You just got a mixed dollop of all three. ::) And that is why often limiting conversations at this stage is helpful and necessary bc the BS is a bit like black mould...a little can spread.  More grey rock will help....keep conversations to purely factual eg ‘pick kids up at 3’ or ‘get your L to talk to my L’. Anything else, walk away, put the phone down or even better, do it by email when you can use the Delete button  :)

And be clear-eyed about what he is trying to do - and your right to not play lol. His intent is essentially to frighten you, bully you or charm you into making his life easier or reduce the consequences of his own choices. He is using money and the kids to do that bc he knows these are your soft spots. Your kids are hurting and he is a self-centred f**kwit. Best to adapt your expectations accordingly. So, on a practical level for instance, I wouldn’t tell your kids his full cunning Magic Happy Plan yet....bc MLCers and ow break up and get back together like teenagers so many a slip twixt cup and lip....but I would give them the high level overview of the facts that you have so they are not caught on the hop. (You would not believe the number of times LBS have shared stories of that here...or even finding out that some of the kids have already met Daddy’s ‘friend’ unbeknownst to the LBS  ::) )  Imho - albeit as a non child owner so a million caveats lol - it’s important to not inadvertently gaslight your kids while trying to protect them. It’s understandable that you want to protect them, but in the longer term, it matters more that they can trust you to tell the truth as far as you know it bc MLC parents don’t magically stop lying and gaslighting once they are divorced. Jmo.

The thing about the MLC textbook is that a lot of it is predictable. Easier to see when you’re not in the middle of it, of course.  :) expect more of the three channels whenever your stbxh encounters some of those reality buzzkill moments.....

Two things seem pretty obvious to me about your current situation.

The first is that you are going to need good sensible boundaries with him/ow bc he is going to gallop over them every chance he gets if he moves nearby. Better to think about what those will be and start doing them now rather than having to do so in the heat of the f**kwit moment. I would suggest that one is that you have no interest or opinion about where/how/with who he lives other than the facts of whether it is a 5 or 50 minute journey for any kids visitation that is defined by a legal agreement. (You May have your own thoughts and feelings, you just don’t share them with him or expect him to care about anyone else’s but his own)

The second is a reminder....a counter if you like everytime that little inner voice says ‘well, maybe he’s right, maybe our marriage was awful and he’s magically happy now and ow is perfect and I am being selfish/mean/unfair’.....his comment about not knowing who he is. Bc that’s a perfect frame of mind for buying a house with someone else and planning to get married (before you are actually even divorced and when you have kids), isn’t it? Just throwing spaghetti at a wall. Plus ow, as you’ve said, has her own track record and is ok with this plan too. At best, they are both phenomenally stupid, but it’s all very textbook spaghetti. Not caused by you self-evidently and i’d guess that you could no more imagine doing it if your mindset was the same than fly to the moon, so best to remove yourself as much as you can from this sandpit of the disordered imho. Let them learn, or not, from the predictable consequences of their own choices. I often think this is the reality of how the karma bus actually works tbh, when folks get what they say they want  ::) There will be a day when it really doesn’t matter to you as much as it might now.....when you observe the nonsense and just shrug....but having done everything you can to do it from a safe distance for you and the kids.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Becoming myself through tears
#47: August 15, 2022, 09:49:00 AM
Hi L & B,

My H told me that my son would be happier once he (my H) was happier::) ::), no consideration for how a separation might affect him (son). I think they're in complete denial because admitting to the damage they are doing is too painful.

Glad to read you got out and are refocusing on your own goals. You were 4 years into a PhD program, that's amazing! Is there a way to continue with it? I have a PhD myself (obtained right before second small BD) and take great pride in obtaining it. If you decide to, we'll be here on the forum cheering you on!

For now, hang in there, keep focusing on you and the kids, hugs!
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Becoming myself through tears
#48: August 15, 2022, 02:48:00 PM
Tsun,

My w said exactly those words. “If you leave the house the kids will be happier because I will be happier”, I’ve only just remembered that jewel of a line. I bought it of course as I knew nothing about mlc then.

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Becoming myself through tears
#49: August 22, 2022, 09:59:32 PM
Treasur, OffRoad, Tsun and Biscuit thanks for the encouragement. 

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they only have three channels in MLC....rage, self-pity and charm. You just got a mixed dollop of all three.
this really is true.  I guess him not being able to pick one is confusing my emotions.  Self-centered f***wit is right. 

After reaching out to my old advisor it sounds like I could get away with not redoing my qualifying exam or coursework which would really reduce the time required for my PhD.  Bad news is I no longer live in that area, the University that is within 45 minutes doesn’t have the same program of study and I am basically stuck here for now.  I think it’s probably more practical to take some classes and brush up my skills to make them more current. 

I decided today to take a chance of blowing the settlement to shreds and am hoping it wasn’t a dumb decision to push for something he threatened to end any kind of negotiations over.  I’m hoping his lawyer will point out how I’m going to court he could lose even more and that what I’m asking for but also conceding is reasonable.  I guess we will see, for now I’m ignoring his questions about if I met with my lawyer.   ::) My own habits of feeling bad or like I have to respond really do need to end.  I know in my head I have no reason to answer his questions or respond so why do I feel like I should?   

My daughter told me that when she’s at his house, sometimes she quietly cries at night.  She feels like she has to hide it around him.  She gets really sad and misses our family being whole. 
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