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Author Topic:  In home MLC’er

A
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In home MLC’er
OP: August 07, 2022, 04:15:34 AM
Hi all! This is my first post so let me tell a bit about my life.

All went well until my H lost his own business in a very nasty way (justice was involved and he even was in jail for three days). That was in October 2017. I think that triggered his MLC. He was very depressed at that time. He even accused me of having an affair with his friend. One year later we moved to another house. My H was unemployed till April 2019. It was very difficult for him to find a job. I think bc of his personality. People often misunderstand him (according to his sister who is a psychiatric nurse, he is a bit of an  autist). When he finally got a job life was good again. So I thought. Now I can see that he went through the anger stage. He was always very angry at our son (13 at that time).

He was hit by Covid in October 2020. He was lying in bed and he thought he would gonna die. At that time he started texting with a female coworker. Two months before they went for a drink, he brought her home and she kissed him. At the end of October he started behaving strange and distanced. Until 11/27/2020. A few days before my daughter, 11 at that time, saw that a female texted my H “I miss you.” Two days later I found out he was with her and that evening he called me to say he was in love with someone else. He stayed away for a couple of days and when he got home to get his clothes he told me that it was all my fault because I neglected him sexually since the birth of our daughter.  :o

A few days later he came home and he is still at home. In January 2021 I kicked him out but after a week he came back. He ended the affair but as we all know, it didn’t last long. He told me he wanted to keep on seeing her and if I didn’t agree he would divorce me.
Little did I know about MLC at that time, let alone limerence. My H said he needed time to sort things out. I believed him.
Oh boy, how wrong was I?  ;D

At first he saw the OW once a week on Friday. He left early in the morning to return at the end of the afternoon. A few months later he started to spend the night with her. He left Friday early in the morning and came home Saturday. Since November 2021 he goes to the OW on Thursday afternoon and returns Saturday.

Because of the affaire he lost his job in September 2021. Luckily I earn enough to support my family. Since May 2022 he has a job again. He works for the same government agency as I do. Same building, same floor. I kid you not…  ;D

A couple of months after BD I came across Kendra-Ruth’s website. Everything fell into place, my H was facing a MLC. Since then I learned a lot about MLC, depression, limerence. I also learned how to handle things. Step back and let it go. At first I was anxious, depressed and I didn’t understand what was going on. Our marriage was good, my H said so himself, I didn’t recognize my H. I’ve learned to let go of him, to distance myself and to focus on me and the kids.

But after almost two years I am done with acting like everything is fine. When my H comes home from OW we act like nothing is going on. My H is a clingy boomerang. He chitchats a lot, he keeps searching my attention. He doesn’t know want to leave. He told me yesterday he decided a while ago he wouldn’t leave. If I want him out of the house I am the one who has to leave. He says it’s his house as well. I live in the Netherlands. Legally he is right.

Yesterday we had a R conversation. He told me why he is having an affair and that is because I never put my arm around him while we were lying in bed. OMG! Is this MLC or not?  ;D For me it proves that he is still very much in escape and avoid. He asked me about reconciliation. He said he wanted to reconcile but I don’t give him a change. I told him flat out that we can’t reconcile as long as OW is around. And there is more, he has to find out why he did this. Why he started an affair.

Until now we do things together as a family. We have dinner together and we watch tv together. He sleeps on the couch for a year now. Actually, it’s all very comfortable for my H. He has his family, his nice house, and on the other hand he spends two days and nights with the OW and they do things together like shopping.

My question is: how do you live with an in home MLC’er?
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Female LBS born 1973
H, born 1969, was triggered into MLC around 2018
BD 11/2020
Married 09/2005
Together since 11/2002
2 kids S 2006 D 2009
Alien since 09/2020, former coworker
In home MLC clingy boomerang

s
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In home MLC’er
#1: August 07, 2022, 10:08:01 AM
I am very sorry you are going through this. Take time out for yourself and your children. Many hugs. You have been amazing and you are a beacon of light for your loved ones. Please take care of yourself.

My ex-H was cold and angry in the ten months he lived at home after BD, and both his behavior during that time and after he moved out affected our only daughter a lot. Luckily with all my love and attention I pulled her back from the brink, and she is thriving now.

(For a couple of years she was self-harming, drank hard and was sexually promiscuous without taking any pleasure in it, all the while spewing hate at boys. She talked about suicide several times, but during therapy never even so much talked about what was happening at home. )

I never was for a moment mean to my ex-H, and rarely showed my sadness around him. I was supportive and loving without asking him to reciprocate. He went from OW1 to OW2; partied hard and rarely had time for our child except in wintertime, when outings became difficult and he needed her company to ward off his depression.

I always picked up the slack with our child; I felt great joy and gratitude that I was good enough at my job and had the wherewithal to support both him and her during those difficult times. When I was in agony otherwise, those positive thoughts kept me going, and my modeling those feelings and actions in turn sustained my daughter.

I believed the way I conducted myself helped get us an amicable divorce with minimum cost and pain to our child. It also reduced his guilt at leaving and as such made him a more engaged father. However, in my case I could not love him back to our family. When Covid first broke out, a couple of months before our divorce was finalized, he had our daughter tell me that he could not honor the 50/50 custody agreement (not that he ever did!) because he had to spend time with his new girlfriend and her two children. It was staggering to me that he would at such a dark time forsake his own child in favor of people he could not have met more than a year or so ago. I immediately told my daughter I was sorry she had to be the messenger. I never said anything to him; I knew whatever I said would only stoke his sense of outraged rebellion, as if I was responsible for the pain and obstacles the world threw at him.

I never badmouthed my ex in front of my daughter. I always told her he was free to seek his happiness, that he was going through hard times, and that I loved him and wished him great happiness. "Love is giving our loved ones what they want even when we don't understand it."


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s
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In home MLC’er
#2: August 07, 2022, 10:13:35 AM
I am sorry I cannot be more precise in my answers to you, since I was unsuccessful in restoring our family. On the bright side, your husband appears to be more attached to your family than mine was. I wish you the best of luck and will keep you in my thoughts. Bless.
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s
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  • Gender: Female
In home MLC’er
#3: August 07, 2022, 06:09:09 PM
I think you are posting in the archives btw. I think you want to go and post under Our Community, which is where I see all of the active threads. Go here:

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?board=1.0

You'd get a lot more replies from veterans and other angelic folks! You will prevail.
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A
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In home MLC’er
#4: August 07, 2022, 09:52:18 PM
I think you are posting in the archives btw. I think you want to go and post under Our Community, which is where I see all of the active threads. Go here:

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?board=1.0

You'd get a lot more replies from veterans and other angelic folks! You will prevail.

Ty, I’ve posted it in our community!
  • Logged
Female LBS born 1973
H, born 1969, was triggered into MLC around 2018
BD 11/2020
Married 09/2005
Together since 11/2002
2 kids S 2006 D 2009
Alien since 09/2020, former coworker
In home MLC clingy boomerang

 

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