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Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting When Tragedy Ushers in a Blessing Pt 1 & 2 Merged

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My Story Reconnecting When Tragedy Ushers in a Blessing Pt 1 & 2 Merged
OP: April 27, 2018, 10:32:08 AM
Hi all,

The readers digest version of my story is this;

H has been in replay since summer of 2016.  Heavy running from December 2016-January 2018.  He has pretty much stopped most replay behaviors-

*Drinking is no more
*Unaccounted for time missing is no more
*Monstering/anger/hatred/blaming towards me is completely gone
*OW is gone (although I do believe she initiates contact every once in a while- but the dynamic of the R changed months ago, as it was dwindling out- but not naive to not think it can't begin again or whatever)
*Harley is still a big thing in his life, but not AS big as it used to be- still pretty big, though.
*Spending money is still somewhat there

He has turned kind towards me, thanks me for EVERYTHING.

He the last 2 months has withdrawn completely from me, distancing himself and saying:
1. that he just can't forgive me for something I did 16 years ago
2. that he isn't happy, and hasn't been the past 3 years, and that he only stayed for the kids (total hogwash)
3. that he knows no-one will ever love him as much as I love him
4. that he wishes he loved me like that
5. that he wishes that there WAS someone else in his life, so that I could "blame him for all of this" and not take all the blame.  But he doesn't want me to take all the blame, yet will not own up to anything HE has done to get us where we are right now.  haha.
6. That he doesn't want to be here, or sleep in the same bed because it "hurts HIM" to see me and know he is hurting me.

Then, he turns around and says:
1. I'm the best person that he knows
2. That he loves me
3. That my weaknesses and shortcomings and past grievances against him have nothing to do with what he is going through right now
4. That his head is so unclear
5. Other MLC script quotes...

He has tried to have R talks, I haven't been good about setting that boundary and walking away, instead I listen, validate and sometimes lose my cool.  After this last time (3 weeks ago), I have learned my lesson. 

After I threw some truth BOMBS- like NUCLEAR- at him, he of course got ticked, and said he was "done" and moving out.  He has taken only a weeks worth of clothes, and is staying at his office.  He comes home whenever he can, he finds reasons to text me nearly every day, and he is constantly checking to see if I am still open to him. 

He is always soft towards me, hugs me tightly, still wants me physically, and this past weekend as he was leaving after dinner, S17 & I got a "I love you guys" as he was walking out the door.

I have done a lot of mirror work, and changed my outlook on life, grace, mercy & forgiveness.  I have learned patience- an art I never possessed before this.  I believe he entered the tunnel of MLC back in 2015.  Now at nearly 19-20 months of Replay, he is not moving much in terms of running.  He is semi-depressed, but he is FIGHTING it, and still looking towards outside targets to blame (Me). 

He admits he has no joy. 

He has no peace, no comfort.  I can literally see the turmoil going on within him.  The hopelessness and helplessness.  The depression and the self hatred.  I do believe he is making baby steps in progressing toward liminality, but he is fighting it for the most part. 

He is trying to do things with our S17.  He has pulled away from our D18, I'm assuming it's because he knows she suspects the A, and has said who she is, and he knows she is correct.  He tries to still keep a line of communication with her, but I can see he is nervous. 

Anyway, glad to be here.



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« Last Edit: September 10, 2021, 12:56:01 AM by UrsaMajor »
M: 47
H: 46
Married: 25 yrs
D23 & S22
Discovered ow in 2017.  Craziness lasted until end of 2019.  2021, reconciled. 2023, we have healed, moved on from the madness, and are doing well.
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Re: When Tragedy Ushers in a Blessing
#1: April 27, 2018, 10:47:16 AM
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

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Re: When Tragedy Ushers in a Blessing
#2: April 27, 2018, 12:28:50 PM
And I need to add the the cycling, or the touch and go's are intense. 

If he "touches", it's intense, hardcore, all-in (as much as an MLC'er can do), and fast.

When he "goes"- it's just as dramatic of fashion. 

Lately I feel as if he is always "touching & going"...

There was one week about 3 months ago, where his "touching" was super fast & super intense.  For an entire week. 

He then withdrew just as fast as he came in, and it lasted two months with a couple R talks about how basically it was me to blame for his unhappiness.  Even though he admits that no-one can bring him joy but the Lord & that it's a choice only HE can make to be, he still won't take ownership, and realize it's not ME.  It's not our MARRIAGE. 

Our marriage was great before this.  We were really happy, and our foundation was solid.  We were best friends, lovers, confidants, etc.  I never saw this coming.
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M: 47
H: 46
Married: 25 yrs
D23 & S22
Discovered ow in 2017.  Craziness lasted until end of 2019.  2021, reconciled. 2023, we have healed, moved on from the madness, and are doing well.
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Re: When Tragedy Ushers in a Blessing
#3: April 27, 2018, 01:06:45 PM
Just let him ease along Shopgirl. My W is about the same.
I have been on a good cycle if you want too call it since Valentine's Day.
Maybe it was the card I gave her, maybe it was what I wrote in it, who knows.  But the card is still sitting by her jewelry bowl. She has moved it yet.
Just try and let the R talks go thru him. Let him talk. It's all lies about how miserable thwy have ALWAYS been.
Hang in there.
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Re: When Tragedy Ushers in a Blessing
#4: April 27, 2018, 04:09:05 PM
Hi shopgirl,

I'm sorry you find yourself here but you will get very good support from people who understand what you are going through.

I sent you a PM (private message) with some information for you.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."
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Re: When Tragedy Ushers in a Blessing
#5: April 28, 2018, 06:05:09 AM
I had this text interaction this morning with H:

H: Morning.  What do I need to do for prom?

ME: Good morning.  Nothing- there's nothing to do.

H: Do I have to take pics

ME: I mean, you don't have to if you don't want to.  I don't know what their plan is- they were still undecided as of midnight last night as to where and when.

H: Ok, well I won't worry about it if it's not a big deal


I didn't reply.  The first thing that jumped out at me were the words "need, have, won't"  It was as if he looked at this as a chore- something he didn't want to do, but felt like I would make him.

 I never thought I "made" him do anything with these sorts of things, I just always assumed that he wanted to go, so I would just tell him the schedule and when we needed to be somewhere... looking back, perhaps I did him a disservice.  I shouldn't have just assumed he wanted to be a part of this kind of thing with his kids.  Perhaps this was a controlling aspect that I just figured was my "job" of being a wife- to schedule it and tell him what the plan was. 

 I'm not going to tell him that it IS a big deal, he is a grown man, and knows that his D's senior prom IS a big deal.  And I'm not his mother, I don't need to tell him what to do and guilt or control him in to going if he doesn't have the desire to do so. 

So, I will go, take pics of her and her friends, get pics with her and try to make the best out of it.  I know I will get questions from other parents as to where H is.  I'm not looking forward to that, but oh well, it is what it is.

He has really pulled away from her.  I think it's because he knows she knows about the A.  He does everything with our S. 

I'm going to try to make sure she has a special day today.  Try to get her to forget about it- even for just a little while. 

***AM I WRONG TO NOT TELL HIM THAT HE NEEDS TO BE THERE FOR HER?***  I mean, we are supposed to "let them go", and let them cause whatever destruction with their choices they choose- but when is it necessary for me to step in and try to protect the relationship between D and him?  They were thick as thieves before MLC. 
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« Last Edit: April 28, 2018, 06:47:16 AM by shopgirl »
M: 47
H: 46
Married: 25 yrs
D23 & S22
Discovered ow in 2017.  Craziness lasted until end of 2019.  2021, reconciled. 2023, we have healed, moved on from the madness, and are doing well.
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Re: When Tragedy Ushers in a Blessing
#6: April 28, 2018, 06:50:48 AM
Is it not between D and her F? Does she want him to be involved? If so, I guess she could ask him directly? Or you could suggest he asks her if you think that would be ok with her? Time to break the old habits and stay out of the firing line of something you didn't break and can't fix IMHO?
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« Last Edit: April 28, 2018, 06:52:32 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg
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Re: When Tragedy Ushers in a Blessing
#7: April 28, 2018, 06:57:40 AM
Quote from: Treasur on April 28, 2018, 06:50:48 AM
Is it not between D and her F? Does she want him to be involved? If so, I guess she could ask him directly? Or you could suggest he asks her if you think that would be ok with her? Time to break the old habits and stay out of the firing line of something you didn't break and can't fix IMHO?

Yeah, I thought about that.

 Right now, she is so mad at him, she says she doesn't want him there.  The way she sees it, why would she ask him if he really doesn't want to go. 

You're right though, I will stay out of the firing line and mention that to her, that if she wants him there, she needs to tell him.  She needs to take a few moments to calm down though.  I'll discuss it with her when she gets back from picking up the boutonniere for her date. 
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M: 47
H: 46
Married: 25 yrs
D23 & S22
Discovered ow in 2017.  Craziness lasted until end of 2019.  2021, reconciled. 2023, we have healed, moved on from the madness, and are doing well.
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Re: When Tragedy Ushers in a Blessing
#8: April 28, 2018, 07:35:33 AM
I agree - let him make his own decisions.

Your job is to NOT interfere with his relationship with the kids.
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Re: When Tragedy Ushers in a Blessing
#9: April 28, 2018, 11:44:21 AM
I have a slightly different take. When he said "Do I have to take pictures?" I would have replied "If you want to take pictures of your daughter, I will let you know when she knows what the plan is."

We are so upset at their poor actions, we might misinterpret the ones where they are trying. He did ask " What do I need to do for Prom." He didn't ignore it.  By saying "you don't have to if you don't want to" you have minimized the importance of Prom,  and MLC brain responds accordingly. "If no one cares if I take pictures, then I won't "

It's just a different perspective,  but it may or may not matter one way or another.
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