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Author Topic: MLC Monster The biggest thing that made you think this was 'MLC'?

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As I am a bit passionate about Reality right now  ;)....it reminded me of a time when coming to HS was a kind of sanity check. That something really not normal was going on and it wasn't something I was imagining....I don't need that now but oh my word, HS definitely saved my sanity for a good while.

Thought it might be helpful to have a quick reality/sanity check thread lol.

Looking back, other than the ILYB/sudden BD announcement/ow or om stuff....painful but could be 'just' an affair  ::)

What was one of the biggest things you saw your spouse do that told you clearly that they were in some kind of significant crisis that looked like an MLC?


Mine was early on when he did not recognise himself in a photograph. I thought he was being metaphorical..talking about how he felt...but he not only didn't know it was him, he actually thought it was a photo of me with some other man. Beyond weird.

That kind of thing plus the fact that he became less rational, more self centred and harder to communicate with as time went by rather than calming down and becoming more 'normal'. It was quite useful (to me) actually when I could trust my own instinct that trying to talk to him like a normal adult was pretty much futile bc I could feel that he wasn't. Not normal for him but tbh not normal for normal folks. It did take me about 6 months or so before I got that though, probably bc he was under psychiatric care and I thought that would start to have an effect. Hmm, nope.
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« Last Edit: August 14, 2019, 04:17:36 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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For me, the biggest clue was the radical change in clothing style, particularly for the office... STBX was, for the entire time I knew her up until Bat-Snot-Crazy hit, ALWAYS dressed very elegantly, probably what many would consider conservatively, professionally, and tastefully. She held a VERY high-visibility position and was involved in Europe-wide discussions and crisis-management meetings (like when the volcano in Iceland blew up and there were emergency meetings to decide whether or not to shut down Air traffic over Europe due to the corrosive/abrasive nature of the ash/dust)

Once the Crisis hit, her clothing style went to barely appropriate, just covering her butt cheeks short skirts and dresses, thigh-high boots, and such....

It is NOT that she could not carry it off as she did have the figure for it but, up until she dived into the tunnel, her mantra was that she wanted to be known for her knowledge, not her figure.... Afterwards, it became "If you've got it, flaunt it."

Likewise, since then, her position at work has been downgraded.....
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Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

H
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Mine was the sweetest woman in the world going to the most hateful, selfish,  woman like overnight.
The working out and changing her clothing didn't click with me then. I just saw it as 40 and she didnt want to feel old.
Now looking back the clothing change and the full blown obsession with working out does to me.
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H
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UM
My nickname for those boots is HOOKER BOOTS!
Her favorite movie is Pretty Woman. I said many times, she must really want to dress like her on the movie.
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My biggest signs were how he stopped acting rationally, despite being up to then supremely proud of being an excellent rational thinker.  And his shame at what he was doing but inability to stop it. And his questioning of everything he ever held to be true (including his faith).  And his super-hypochondriasis. And spending hours in the bathroom making himself look good (even before OW came on the scene).  Is that enough?
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January 2018 - 1st BD - "I'm not happy"
June 2019 - I discover existence of OW since November  2017. Lives on another continent
July 2019 - OW moves to live in my city.
August 2019 - H on holiday with OW, despite ultimatum
September 2019 - H commits to leaving OW
November 2019 - OW moves back to her country (temporarily). Reconnection with me begins but contact with OW continues.
January 2020 - H informs me he has broken up with OW. Continues seeing her anyway.
April-June 2020 - H moves home. While "rebuilding", H continues contact and some PA with OW (BD2).
July 2020 - H leaves home, fence-sits.
Aug 2020 - H plays heavy pingpong, then announces he will rent a place with OW "at least temporarily"
Aug 2020 - I decided enough is enough. Filing for D.

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Biggest signs
1) Working ALL the time and very long hours on a packet of ham and a few crackers
2) Staring at his 'puny' body (his words) in the mirror and being amazed at how he looked because of the weight loss
3) Telling me life was 'unfair' and I was stopping him having 'fun'
4) manic behaviour when at home, starting jobs and then dropping them and going to do something else and not finishing that
5) Telling me he didn't want to come home and he didn't know why
6) Saying his head felt foggy and he couldn't think straight and he knew he loved me but he couldn't feel it
7) saying eating was pointless infact everything was pointless, the TV, music he just did feel anything about anything

I could go on ..
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"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

you NEVER know how strong you are, until being strong is the ONLY choice you have"

N

Nas

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My first sign was when he told me he felt "detached from life and didn't know why."

The signs I missed/blindly ignored before that were:
1. Taking tons and tons of expensive supplements and spending 2-3 hours in the gym every day, including going straight to the gym after his grandfather's funeral.
2. Getting deeply involved with his shady "business partner" on what was essentially a pyramid scheme that normally he would have smelled a mile away (several years earlier, he had seen a friend of mine from high school getting involved an MLM business and he called her an idiot and said MLMs were scams.  Then somehow before I even knew it, he'd lost all of our money on one).
3. Going from someone who only drank every so often on weekends or when we were on vacation to stopping at a different bar every night on his way home from work and sneaking six-packs down to the basement in his laundry basket.
4. Immediately after BD, I could see his mood change dramatically 3 times within an hour or so. 
5. Saying he felt absolutely nothing and there was nothing or anyone he cared about.
6. A month after BD, I was putting on the ankle brace I'd had to wear every single day for 3 years and that he had had to help me put on many, many times, and he looked at me as I was putting it on and asked what it was and "Do you wear that every day?" Literally as if he'd never seen it before.  So weird.
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“The desire to be loved is the last illusion. Give it up and you will be free.” ~Margaret Atwood

K
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Following script to a tee.  Even the things he said that rcr and Hb said they say    The black eyes knowing it was not him. Very scary
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Gosh yes, I'd forgotten the shark eyes....
My h went from dead empty eyes, pretty standard for severe depression, to those dark shark eyes just before he announced that 'divorce was the only option'. I have seen the dead eyes in myself and others who are depressed but had never seen the shark eyes until I saw them in my then h. Oh, and the small smirk that goes with them that tells you a bit of them gets a kick from hurting you.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

N
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It wasn't my H directly that made me think it. It was a quote in an article in one of the respectable British newspapers (not one of those tabloid papers with silly relationship articles that you can't take seriously). Someone said "Most men who do xyz are just having an MLC." Hmm, so I googled it. Found the most famous articles by HB, Conway etc. and could clearly see my H had gone through the denial and anger phases over the previous 1.5 years since a family funeral and that he was clearly heading into the replay stage next.
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j
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1) The speech - I love you but I'm not in love with you
2) Spending money and maxing out all credit cards
3) Personality change. Outgoing guy sinks into a deep depression. Dead look in his eyes. Always tired, no motivation.
4) "I don't feel anything"
5) Seeking validation from social media
6) Emotional Affair
7) Working long hours and took no time for himself. Lost interest in hobbies.
8) Has no actual friends that he reaches out to. Maybe online,  but does nothing with them in person.
9) Came home and did nothing. Sat on his chair and scrolled through his phone for hours. Watched TV for hours.
10) Said very few words to me on a daily basis., Blamed me for problems in the marriage. Never took responsibility for his own actions.
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XH 38
Me 39
T 13 years
M 7 years
BD 1: 7/17
BD 2: 3/19.
Moved out: 4/19
Confirmed ow on social media. They’ve been talking since 1/19 at least. He still keeps her secret. She has posted selfies of them together.
D 11/19

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You are describing a Low Energy Wallower.

They don't usually have the energy to do much more than Wallow.   ::)
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

N

Nas

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Gosh yes, I'd forgotten the shark eyes....
My h went from dead empty eyes, pretty standard for severe depression, to those dark shark eyes just before he announced that 'divorce was the only option'. I have seen the dead eyes in myself and others who are depressed but had never seen the shark eyes until I saw them in my then h. Oh, and the small smirk that goes with them that tells you a bit of them gets a kick from hurting you.

OMG, that smirk.
My brother referred to him as "smug" all of a sudden.  Because everyone saw the smirk.
The shark eyes...there was a whole thread about it once.  They are startling, and to think that some people just don't even notice it, it's like how can you not see that this person's eyes are like ALL PUPIL? 
I once posted an article about how depression shows through the eyes.  I'll see if I can dig it up again, it was really interesting.
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“The desire to be loved is the last illusion. Give it up and you will be free.” ~Margaret Atwood

F
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1. Obsessed with the mirror and shaving his whole body.
2. Feels nothing for anyone/is unsure if he is capable of being in a relationship.
3. Monster/blames me for everything
4. Very distant from the whole family
5.  EA and then PA
6.  Listening to love songs constantly
7.  How he dresses/even a beaded bracelet.

It goes on and on.  I think he has practically done it all.  Except so far, as far as I know he has not gone into debt and has left me to handle all finances.
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Married 23 years
Husband is 46
Me-42
4 kids 9-18 years old
BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, 2 OW at different times.
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but superficial.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.
Oct 2020-He wants to get back together.  I am unsure. 
August 2021-.  He has shown very gradual, but consistent progress.  He moved back home.
December 2022-He has been home for 1 1/2 years reconnecting, in the room with me for several months. I now consider us reconciled.
October 2023-After two years home and being the man he should be, I finally fully let him back into my heart.

M
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 - Distancing himself even from our S whom he used to spend every weekend with.
 - Walked around the house with dark sunglasses and headphones so we couldn't even find him when it was time for dinner. He couldn't hear us calling him, or so he claimed.
 - Going out drinking with the guys all weekend every weekend for a couple of years up to BD.
 - Working out obsessively and publicly, even when we went to the US to help with his sister who was very sick, he stood in the garden in full view of everyone, in tight shorts and T-shirt lifting weights.
- The shark eyes. His eyes are blue, so really strange when they're black.
 - Saying stupid stuff like: First let's get a divorce, then we can talk about getting back together again.
 - The (what he thought was) a much younger OW. She told him she was 33 when they met.
 - The sport's car.
 - Massive debt and growing.
 - Used to dress very casually: jeans, T-shirt, gym shoes. After BD, dressed up like an Armani poster even to go to the supermarket. Specifically odd: very tight T-shirts, very small tight leather jacket, shoes teenagers wear, always a scarf knotted around his neck (inserted into a loop, not tied as that apparently is a sign of having no taste), the man bag.
 - Using only abbreviations and emojis instead of 'talking' in texts.
 - No punctuation at all when writing. Sentences start mid way, no capitals, no full stop, no greeting at the beginning or the end.
 - The one time he went to my IC about our S, he spoke only about himself and said he had this incredible urge to escape/run away.

I am certain my H is having a MLC.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

N

Nas

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1. Obsessed with the mirror and shaving his whole body.
2. Feels nothing for anyone/is unsure if he is capable of being in a relationship.
3. Monster/blames me for everything
4. Very distant from the whole family
5.  EA and then PA
6.  Listening to love songs constantly
7.  How he dresses/even a beaded bracelet.

It goes on and on.  I think he has practically done it all.  Except so far, as far as I know he has not gone into debt and has left me to handle all finances.

Isn't it funny how it seems common for them to have said they feel nothing for anyone and yet at the time they say that, they've usually already started an affair?
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“The desire to be loved is the last illusion. Give it up and you will be free.” ~Margaret Atwood

nah

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  • His mlc...too bad for him
1. Obsessed with the mirror and shaving his whole body.
2. Feels nothing for anyone/is unsure if he is capable of being in a relationship.
3. Monster/blames me for everything
4. Very distant from the whole family
5.  EA and then PA
6.  Listening to love songs constantly
7.  How he dresses/even a beaded bracelet.

It goes on and on.  I think he has practically done it all.  Except so far, as far as I know he has not gone into debt and has left me to handle all finances.

Isn't it funny how it seems common for them to have said they feel nothing for anyone and yet at the time they say that, they've usually already started an affair?

Not really. I have found over the years, without realizing it, they often sprinkle some truth into their lies.

Their affair partner is someone they use, that’s it.
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H-55
me-53
ow-31
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

D
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STBXW ticked all the boxes.  Heck, I even showed her an MLC check list with all the boxes filled out.  LOL  I had done something similar a year before with an affair checklist.  She'd scored nearly 100% on there, but she deflected and gaslit me.  Well, we all know how that story ends...

1.  Shark eyes
2.  Blamed (blames) me for everything wrong in the marriage
3.  EA at work with MOM (She says EA.  Not convinced.)
4.  Bought a red car after only owning silver or shades of blue over the last 20 years
5.  Going out with single, younger people from work
6.  Constant working out
7.  Horrible monstering with some really abusive comments
8.  Totally new wardrobe for new job.  A lot of skin tight clothing.  She's 47.
9.  Moved into spare room
10.  Took off wedding ring.
11.  Contradictory comments as well as breadcrumbing
12.  Joked about having an MLC in counseling
13.  I got a twist on ILYBNILWY - "If I could say ILYBNILWY, that might mean something..."
14.  The smirk

Plenty of other items on these lists that she does/did.  I'm getting a little flooded just thinking about it and writing it!   :P
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M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

F
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Disillusioned-I hate the smirk.
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Married 23 years
Husband is 46
Me-42
4 kids 9-18 years old
BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, 2 OW at different times.
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but superficial.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.
Oct 2020-He wants to get back together.  I am unsure. 
August 2021-.  He has shown very gradual, but consistent progress.  He moved back home.
December 2022-He has been home for 1 1/2 years reconnecting, in the room with me for several months. I now consider us reconciled.
October 2023-After two years home and being the man he should be, I finally fully let him back into my heart.

D
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FJ - the time that is emblazoned in my mind is when she sat down in mediation and dropped an appraisal on our house in front of me that was somewhere $80,000.00 south of the current value.  All done up professionally by a local real estate agent.  She smirked when she put it down, like she was pulling a fast one.  Problem is: I called her out on it for not providing it before hand.  She'd had it done nearly a month prior.  I told her it was ridiculously low, but had she provided it before the session, I might have had a counter offer ready for her.  I told her I was providing her with all documentation ahead of session.  The mediator agreed and had us verbally agree to not withholding information moving forward, despite the fact that I wasn't and had no intention of doing so.
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M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

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  • I HAVE 2 CHOICES-BE HAPPY OR BE HAPPY
Rewriting history, I haven't been happy for  12 years than later changing it to 20 years.  I hated the smug, arrogant and prideful look.
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Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S27; D23; D20
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating; Unsure if I'm still standing
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“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

W
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Boob Job, tummy tuck and teeth whitening..........yep, and the daily selfies!
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K
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 - Distancing himself even from our S whom he used to spend every weekend with. Check
 - Walked around the house with dark sunglasses and headphones so we couldn't even find him when it was time for dinner. He couldn't hear us calling him, or so he claimed.
 - Going out drinking with the guys all weekend every weekend for a couple of years up to BD. Check
 - Working out obsessively and publicly, even when we went to the US to help with his sister who was very sick, he stood in the garden in full view of everyone, in tight shorts and T-shirt lifting weights.
- The shark eyes. His eyes are blue, so really strange when they're black. SAME!!!
 - Saying stupid stuff like: First let's get a divorce, then we can talk about getting back together again.
 - The (what he thought was) a much younger OW. She told him she was 33 when they met.
 - The sport's car.
 - Massive debt and growing. Check
 - Used to dress very casually: jeans, T-shirt, gym shoes. After BD, dressed up like an Armani poster even to go to the supermarket. Specifically odd: very tight T-shirts, very small tight leather jacket, shoes teenagers wear, always a scarf knotted around his neck (inserted into a loop, not tied as that apparently is a sign of having no taste), the man bag.
 - Using only abbreviations and emojis instead of 'talking' in texts. Check
 - No punctuation at all when writing. Sentences start mid way, no capitals, no full stop, no greeting at the beginning or the end. Check
 - The one time he went to my IC about our S, he spoke only about himself and said he had this incredible urge to escape/run away. Check

I am certain my H is having a MLC.


So many similarities.  Also...

-Began running 5k, 10k and half marathons when he always proclaimed how stupid they were since he ran cross country  at the college level and looked down upon them. He an OW ran these races together. (She must have chased her races with a few cakes though b/c she's still quite large--had to get that in there b/c I'm spiteful. ;)

-Dropped ALL of his old friends. Doesn't see them or even respond to their texts/phone calls

-Dropped his entire family--brother, sisters, mother and father.  Ignores their calls.  Will speak to them if in the same room, but no plans to visit or see, even on holidays.

-Flat out ignored me all throughout chemo treatments--never even asked how I felt after having them. And never accompanied me or visited me during them when they were literally a mile form his office.

--All new clothes. There are a pair of white loafers in the mix.

-Left all of his belongings at the house. All of them.

-Constantly telling me how unhappy he is. And of course the "I drink every day hoping to die soon" comment

I never question MLC. I question if he will be able to ever come out of it.
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Me 50
H 49
S15
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Would a photograph of a 19 year old girl in pigtails holding a Hello Kitty backpack and sucking on a lollipop while looking up at my 45+ year old H adoringly calling him her Hero in a school newspaper be a good enough clue that it might be MLC?  How about if he frames the article and starts packing his briefcase with "emergency lollipops"?  Then asks me what he can read to find out all about who Hello Kitty is? 

Lp
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if people won’t listen to you, there’s no point in talking to people. If they won’t listen, you’re just banging your head against a wall.

Sadly Ive used up all the time I had allotted to spend banging my head on the wall

D
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Rewriting history, I haven't been happy for  12 years than later changing it to 20 years.  I hated the smug, arrogant and prideful look.

Yellow - that's another one I got.  It went from unhappy for a couple of years, to "I checked out in 2014" to "I broke 15 years ago." 
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M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

D
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Would a photograph of a 19 year old girl in pigtails holding a Hello Kitty backpack and sucking on a lollipop while looking up at my 45+ year old H adoringly calling him her Hero in a school newspaper be a good enough clue that it might be MLC?  How about if he frames the article and starts packing his briefcase with "emergency lollipops"?  Then asks me what he can read to find out all about who Hello Kitty is? 

Lp

LP -
That's flat out crazy.
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M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

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Would a photograph of a 19 year old girl in pigtails holding a Hello Kitty backpack and sucking on a lollipop while looking up at my 45+ year old H adoringly calling him her Hero in a school newspaper be a good enough clue that it might be MLC?  How about if he frames the article and starts packing his briefcase with "emergency lollipops"?  Then asks me what he can read to find out all about who Hello Kitty is? 

Lp

LP -
That's flat out crazy.

And not even normal for a 19 year old...good grief
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

K
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Would a photograph of a 19 year old girl in pigtails holding a Hello Kitty backpack and sucking on a lollipop while looking up at my 45+ year old H adoringly calling him her Hero in a school newspaper be a good enough clue that it might be MLC?  How about if he frames the article and starts packing his briefcase with "emergency lollipops"?  Then asks me what he can read to find out all about who Hello Kitty is? 

Lp

Ew.

And not that there is any competition here. But seriously....this wins.
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Me 50
H 49
S15
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

N
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Would a photograph of a 19 year old girl in pigtails holding a Hello Kitty backpack and sucking on a lollipop while looking up at my 45+ year old H adoringly calling him her Hero in a school newspaper be a good enough clue that it might be MLC?  How about if he frames the article and starts packing his briefcase with "emergency lollipops"?  Then asks me what he can read to find out all about who Hello Kitty is? 

Lp


Ew.

And not that there is any competition here. But seriously....this wins.

I raise the bid.  Mine told his ow (in her thirties but immature that she looked sexy like a Disney Princess.  Now it was laziness, not perversion, but still...

And signing his emails (initial)PP for Perfect Prince?

And four visits to drink ayahuasca in Peru in 10 months?  And torso covered in a huge theme tatto?  And emailing me that I am his beloved friend from many lifetimes... and asking me to go tonPeru with him? And.... well can I win something too please?
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N

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Holy cow.  :o
After reading all of your posts, maybe my H isn't even in MLC.
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“The desire to be loved is the last illusion. Give it up and you will be free.” ~Margaret Atwood

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Sexy Disney Princess. No words.

Oh yeah, this one wins too.

Also, I had to Google ayahuasca. Wow.
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Me 50
H 49
S15
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Sexy Disney Princess. No words.

Oh yeah, this one wins too.

Also, I had to Google ayahuasca. Wow.

I know.  That’s my H.  And I’m coming to Tuscany.  Are you scared?  (I’m fairly normal, I promise)
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Sexy Disney Princess. No words.

Oh yeah, this one wins too.

Also, I had to Google ayahuasca. Wow.

I know.  That’s my H.  And I’m coming to Tuscany.  Are you scared?  (I’m fairly normal, I promise)

Quite excited to meet you! And hey, my H is an MLCer after all, though clearly not as creative as some....Still, not much scares me anymore.  ;)
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Me 50
H 49
S15
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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The black eyes.

That was, is, and always will be my final diagnosis/confirmation.
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« Last Edit: August 14, 2019, 03:56:31 PM by megogirl »

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"The biggest thing that made you think this was 'MLC'?"

None. I had no clue I was dealing with MLC. Not until a friend that have had one told what was happening.

Sigs something was very wrong with Mr J:

- Drinking
- Djing
- Not sleeping
- Depression
- Anger
- Affair
- Monster
- Extreme mood swings

After he left
- Physical violence
- Even more extreme mood swings
- Monster
- Taking all our money
- Open relationship with OW1
- Everything else he has been doing since
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

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Pre BD
- suddenly acting younger, saying new words and phrases and even explaining that’s what ‘young people say’
- younger friends
- obsessive gym use
- new tattoos (including my name a month or so before he left)
- bought a sports car
- obsessed with looks and started taking bizarre selfies
- Increased drinking and cocaine usage (didn’t find that out until later)

BD / post BD
- can’t feel anything for anyone including parents, feel numb, looks at photos and can’t feel how I did then, I know I should feel something but I don’t speech
- wants to be free, go recalling, snowboarding, on holidays, do what I want when I want answer to no one speech
- not attracted to anyone, don’t know if relationship is right for me speech
- referred to us as ‘not going out anymore’ (not married)
- recorded a video of himself rapping to ‘stormsy’ (uk rap artist) in his sports car with a designer watch in shot. Was as ridiculous as it sounds.
- had a melt down a few months after BD and confessed to my best friend he’d firetrucked his life up and referred to OW as ‘that girl’ for months
- on the few occasions I spoke with him, totally detached it was like dealing with an alien.
- shark eyes like you wouldn’t believe
-lies, lies and more lies
- pretty much a vanisher from day 1
- is now the colour of mahogany and a ‘lad’ that acts and lives a lifestyle that is very different to what he did previously
- continues a cocaine habit and is always out, drinking rarely at home (apparently I haven’t spoken to him in over 2 years directly)


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  • "You must do the thing you think you can not do."
recorded a video of himself rapping to ‘stormsy’ (uk rap artist) in his sports car with a designer watch in shot. Was as ridiculous as it sounds.

Thank you for that resounding LOL.

Because only a few of us LBS'ers can truly LOL @ that.
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« Last Edit: August 14, 2019, 05:59:55 PM by megogirl »

R
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1) When he started dressing like a throwback of the 80s
2).Wanting a tattoo
3) Alcohol/Drug Use
4) Paranoia/Depression
5) Screaming "he's tired of taking care of everyone!  It's his turn to be happy!"
6) The financial devastation he did to himself
7) The anger, hostility, mood swings
8)The blank stare
9) The threat of committing suicide and wanting to die
10) His anxiety that caused him to move to six different homes/apartments/cities all within two years
11) Restarted his teenage chewing tobacco habit
12)The lying over inconsequential things
13) Viagra prescription
13) The purchase of the classic car.  Then the new truck.  Then the hidden jeep he bought for, ya know...
14) The OW he got involved with who has a 14 page felony record along with the gaggle of children she has from different men.
15) Lastly, he changed absolutely everything in his new life (career, doctors, dentist, where he lives, vet, friends, etc.) that reflects nothing of his old life. 

Jeez...I  could go on but think I'll stop here.

Hmmm....do you think it's a crisis or someone who just wanted out of the marriage and have a different life because sometimes I really wonder.
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« Last Edit: August 14, 2019, 04:52:51 PM by Ro828 »

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  • "You must do the thing you think you can not do."
When he started dressing like a throwback of the 80s

"Not there's anything wrong with that!"  (Sorry...I'm just kind of an 80's junkie) :))

The laundry list of reasons that you believe it's MLC are all script, script, script.
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« Last Edit: August 14, 2019, 05:00:25 PM by megogirl »

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As I am a bit passionate about Reality right now  ;)....it reminded me of a time when coming to HS was a kind of sanity check. That something really not normal was going on and it wasn't something I was imagining....I don't need that now but oh my word, HS definitely saved my sanity for a good while.

Thought it might be helpful to have a quick reality/sanity check thread lol.

Looking back, other than the ILYB/sudden BD announcement/ow or om stuff....painful but could be 'just' an affair  ::)

What was one of the biggest things you saw your spouse do that told you clearly that they were in some kind of significant crisis that looked like an MLC?


Mine was early on when he did not recognise himself in a photograph. I thought he was being metaphorical..talking about how he felt...but he not only didn't know it was him, he actually thought it was a photo of me with some other man. Beyond weird.

That kind of thing plus the fact that he became less rational, more self centred and harder to communicate with as time went by rather than calming down and becoming more 'normal'. It was quite useful (to me) actually when I could trust my own instinct that trying to talk to him like a normal adult was pretty much futile bc I could feel that he wasn't. Not normal for him but tbh not normal for normal folks. It did take me about 6 months or so before I got that though, probably bc he was under psychiatric care and I thought that would start to have an effect. Hmm, nope.

For me it was how he was sobbing and begging me to find a therapist for us and then just for him.  He gripped in to me for dear life sobbing for help and then he was just gone... cold, ghosting me, telling me he didn’t need help, etc.
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  • Lord, give me patience, but please hurry!
Mine do classical wallower MLCer script. There were all possible warning signs. I knew it that she is going to fall apart. Most painful was watching and you can't do nothing about.
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My h asked me to "wait."
He was asking me to let him carry on as he was, having an affair, with all that entailed, coming home only when he felt like it, living his alternative life while I sat home "waiting."  Not expecting anything from him, except financially, and not asking any questions. He would never in a MILLION years have come up with this falacy were he not in mlc.

I declined his offer.  2 days later he went to work & didn't come back.

A text he sent me 3 days after he abandoned me:

Quote
Please find it in your heart to forgive me.I have made a fool of myself and you do not deserve such foul treatment.My life is nothing without you.My time is short and it should be appreciated.I thank you for what you have done for me and keeping me grounded.I will text you tomorrow if God willing.I love you and the kids.
I will turn off my phone until tomorrow and think about what is important in life
The time is short and so near.

I thought this meant that either he was coming back or he was gonna commit suicide.
I later found out that earlier this same day he had leased an apartment for him & ow, a 1 year lease!




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Sada
Married 13 years, together 23
Apr 2014: PA discovered, ow 22 yrs younger
May 2014: "I love her & she loves me"
("But I'll always love you the most")
Jun 2014: Left home to live w OW
Aug 2014: Back home. "Sorry, made mistakes"
Late 2015: Ow2 (a couple of dates I think). Monster
  returned for several months 
Today: H progressing thru mlc positively. Has remained
  home and reconciled
Arguments & disagreements very infrequent
Enjoying our time together

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I'd forgotten the shark eyes.
Most chilling thing I've ever seen.
Made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
Didn't know what it was but I knew my h was no longer normal, let alone himself.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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My h asked me to "wait."

Mr J also asked me to "wait". That was almost 13 years ago.  ::)

Mr J did not had dead eyes for almost 3 years after BD. His eyes have been mostly dead since the second half of 2009, but more recently, now and then there is a tiny spark.

Not that I think it matters of makes much of a difference. His Replay started years before the dead eyes and most certainly will carry on after the eyes get back to normal or close to normal.
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

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Being as I had a wallower, I missed so many things until it all came together at BD.
Interest in exercise that lasted until he noticed the woman were better at it than he was
Desire to play basketball with work buddies until he jammed his finger
Took up surfing and insisted the whole family not only join him, but required to have "fun" doing it
No one was allowed to have an opinion
He took anyone else's side in a disagreement except the side of the kids or i. Even if the was no question of what the correct answer was.
Played "dozer" for hours on his cell phone.
Played Cookie something on his computer for hours. (You made money points for baking cookies)
Was suddenly afraid of everything, from heights to spiders when he had never been afraid before
Needed a "brightly colored" car
Left the door wide open after leaving for work. Not unlocked, open.
Shaved his head. Got upset because no one liked it.
Wrecked his car (maybe so he could get a brightly colored one)
"Lost" his wedding ring while surfing
Lost his job, blamed everyone else for it (he was being a jerk to everyone at this point)

When it ramped up:
He hadn't bent happy in several/5/10 insert years here.
I wasn't happy according to him, and was NEVER happy
Said we should never have had our son (the one he convinced to come live with him for college)
Took hardly anything when he moved out but kept sneaking in while I was at work and taking joint belongings, not his own
Spent over $20000 in one month, and he could not say on what.

It's not Hello Kitty and lollipops, that I think I would have noticed right off.
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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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This thread is fascinating!

I’ve never understood what was behind the shark eyes? What actually is the reason / cause for what we explain as shark/dead or black eyes!?
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I’ve never understood what was behind the shark eyes? What actually is the reason / cause for what we explain as shark/dead or black eyes!?

Depression.
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

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Disclaimer: I have doubted MLC many times, sometimes I still do although now I don't feel it's that important anymore. Yet there are things that made/make me go... Yep! MLC  ::)

My first big red flag was when H suddenly wanted to have kids after 15 years of saying he didn't.. At first I was very shocked but I actually believed it.. And then it came the constant "I'm not happy" speech, overreacting to things that were not a big deal, nearly panicking over nothing.  Constant working out and shaving his chest, saying he was old (40) Not enjoying life or anything he enjoyed before. Looked depressed, withdrawn and overall apathetic. This combo made me think MLC, I didn't understand what MLC was exactly but it was the only explanation I could find.. And H even agreed sometimes but that didn't really help in any way.

After H left and for a good few months I thought maybe I was wrong.. Maybe his unhappiness was down to me and that's why he wanted to leave... After months of wallowing, H left his job, left the country and moved to a place he hates and away from his family who he said he wanted to live close to. He bought the typical flashy car and his OW is someone who he wouldn't have looked at twice before. When I mention the last 2 sentences to anyone who knows him, their face goes a bit  :o  So I'm guessing they agree with the MLC diagnosis!
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H - 46 (40 @BD1)
M - 46 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose)
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW - Oct 2019
H "finally" asks for divorce - Aug 2020
H marries OW - March 2021.. We are not divorced!
Divorced - Dec 7th 2022

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

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H looked right though our kids as if they did not exist.  This from a guy who could hardly talk about them without getting a little teary because his heart overflowed with so much love for them.  Poor kids...   Their hearts were broken. 
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Feb 2015: BD. 
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

H never left home.

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... saying he was old (40)

Mr J was old at 36 and my cousin who had MLC at 37. They both thought they were running out of time, and, in Mr J's case, only had know to do "this" (this was never explained).  ::) Never mind it has been over a decade and "this" become his life.  ::)

When I mention the last 2 sentences to anyone who knows him, their face goes a bit  :o  So I'm guessing they agree with the MLC diagnosis!

I still get the  :o facial expression from people who know pre-MLC Mr J. Especially the ones who hear him djing since the music is very far from what his tastes used to be. If I tell them a bit more of all that has happened, they really look  :o :o :o

Pretty much all the guys who knews us since we become a couple, including several who knew Mr before we were a couple say he is having a life crisis/MLC.

In Mr J's case I think it got to a point where he become the MLC person. Maybe I'm wrong.
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

b
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I could "cut and paste" 99% of what you all have said. But I do have a slightly different twist . After the big BD ( no longer love you, not happy for 10, 20 or 30 years etc etc ) , he wanted to see a marriage counsellor. That was baffling because he clearly said he " wanted to learn to live alone". We did find a counsellor very quickly and she saw us together several times and then asked to see us individually. When I saw her alone , she flat out told me " he is having an identity crisis".  Say WHAT?. Never heard of it prior to that . I remember saying to her …"he really does not have an identity of his own, he copies everything I do ". She said …"No identity of his own? Is there any better reason for a crisis?".


She told me to expect ..Anger, Apathy, Abandonment, Affair and Arrogance.  And she was right.
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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* W gets a new tattoo, first one since she was 19.
* W asking me why I couldn't be like her gay High School friend. (Uhh, I'm not gay, I'm not in High School, and I'm your husband)
* W driving home intoxicated and treating me like a stern father figure when I complained
* W getting in an arguments with D18 in which D18 was far more mature than W
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27. Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA  |  BD #2: 2018 - FA

W moved out - June 2019 | OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019 | Divorce final - September 2019 | Moving on

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

New Here? Read this! http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0

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Interesting, Barbie.

I see an identity crisis as something different of not having an identity of our own, rather not knowing if the identity we had is still valid.

Mr J had is own identity. If anything, his MLC become alike many other people who lead the lifestyle he leads. He stop being different and turned into a copy of several other djs and clubbers.

Yes, anger, apathy, abandonment, affair and arrogance come with the territory.

* W driving home intoxicated and treating me like a stern father figure when I complained


Think several of us can relate to the MLCer treating us like a stern parental figure when we complain/point out/don't agree.
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

R
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1  Not happy for 15 years, then 10, then 3.
2. Says she crazy loves me for years, then ilybnilwy. Seemingly overnight.
3. Radical mood swings
4. Has sterilization reversed while with om.wants a baby at age 40. We have 5 grown children , 4 grandchildren. Never wanted more children over our 17 years together.
5. Everything she does totally opposite from before.
6. No emotion most of the time once the crisis hit.
7. Completely buried herself in work totally exhausted.
8 .affair.
9. lies lies lies. Even when its obvious and for No good reason.
10.  Multiple returns, confusion,unable to make decisions.
11. Rewriting history, projection, demonizing me to everyone to justify the affair.
12. Total lack of compassion for anyone.
13. Crazy spending.
14. New younger more revealing clothing, teeth whitening, braces, very concerned about appearance.
15. Grandiose plans with the affair partner.    Ex. Purchasing a 6 million dollar property together.
16. Shark eyes.   Very noticeable and scary.
.
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« Last Edit: August 21, 2019, 02:36:02 AM by Renegade »
Me-52   MLC W 39      5 adult kids     om 33

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Mine went from country rock and 70's music to very loud heavy metal.

Started wearing head phones around the house and singing at the top of his lungs, with a smirk on his face.

Shaved all his gray hair off.  Head, face, chest.

Went from wearing jeans, plain t-shirts and boots, to plaid short and comic t-shirts\or muscle shirts. or no shirt.

Couch potato, to rollerblading, snow shoeing, biking, running, weight lifting, canoeing..much more I'm forgetting.

Started staring at himself in the mirror for hours, using skin creams and lotions, acne creams (never had a pimple in his life) and skin lightening lotions (thought he had sun damage).

Black shark eyes...sometimes dead, no life eyes.

Tried contacts because glasses made him look old, but never could get the hang of them.

Rewriting history. Even made up things that never happened.   :o

Exhausted every day...slept a lot.

The list just goes on.

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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Impossible to say what was the biggest but:

Got interested in all kind of spiritual things after getting a massive fear of death
Paid a lot of money for questionable medical treatment  ::)
Got interested and tried alternative medicine
Got interested in horoscopes and especially "love horoscopes"
Exaggerated outbursts of rage
Looked sick and tired
Started to talk about being trapped in her life and escape thoughts
Changes in music taste, repeating same songs, listening to music whole time she was awake (like trying to distract her thoughts)
Blamed me, rewrote history big time
Rapid cycling, from ignorant and cold roommate to overwhelming loving wife
Drank more alcohol
Withdrawal, spent a time by herself more with her iPad and personal growth, spiritual awakening books
Cried more, sometimes laughed at same time
Contacted a man from her past which she met once in a train and had saved his phone number
FA

Oh my...all this in the beginning  :o

Feels like a nightmare now, I'm glad it's over.

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"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

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Re: The biggest thing that made you think this was 'MLC'?
#56: September 22, 2019, 11:47:00 PM
My STBXW, on BD, on the day after her 46th Birthday on March 1st shouted,
'I'm not in love with you anymore',
'You abandoned me',
'I don't know who I am anymore'
'It's been your life not mine'
Shark eyes
and strangely she added 'I expected violence' there has never been any on my part but she would smash things up when intoxicated, her father was a violent man by all accounts and her beloved grandfather had affairs
Lost 4 stone in weight
Overspending like crazy
Complete personality change
New wardrobe
New friends, ostracizing of old friends apart from single men from 27 years ago from our past
New flat
Now a vanisher
Complete disregard for financial obligations
Godzilla levels of monster attacks
Rage and hatred of me
Alcohol and MJ abuse
Constant partying
I think she may also have a borderline personality disorder
Needs to win in divorce and ruin me in the process
Burning of so many bridges its hard to see a way back with friends and family
Wanted a quickie divorce but has now ignored all legal letters for months
My W's grandmother and her aunt died last year, and just before BD she talked about wanting to see her estranged father after 30 years.
She also got in contact with all of her old school friends that she had never expressed an interest in over the 27+ years we were together.
Giving away of my stuff including the fridge freezer last week, tried to undersell the house I'm currently living in
Lies, a lot of fabrications
Rewrote history
Worst of all seemingly no empathy for anyone at all.





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« Last Edit: September 23, 2019, 12:13:27 AM by Wilderheart »

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Re: The biggest thing that made you think this was 'MLC'?
#57: September 23, 2019, 01:49:51 AM
I was bowled over by the sudden change in character of my ex wife, we had been at each other’s side for 25 years and did everything together. She started dying her hair raven black twice a week and incessantly plucking her chin and facial hair like a maniac.

A week later she out of the blue told me she loved me to bits and this took me back as we were just watching tv at the time. 2 weeks later she came home from work and said she wanted a divorce, I was really confused and I thought she was joking but nope she meant it.

She started going out with her married brother and his wife on the weekend and coming home late. Her behaviour became  erratic and very critical towards me where previously I could do no wrong. There are many things that are etched in my mind that was said by her during this upsetting time.
The one that stands out the most was “this would never have happened if you made me a cup of tea in the mornings” the strange things was I Used to....
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Re: The biggest thing that made you think this was 'MLC'?
#58: September 23, 2019, 04:22:41 AM
I Remember too the rewriting of history by her, in particular the divorce petition in front of the judge. She brought up an incident that happened allegedly on the 15th of September 1989. I spoke to my female lawyer and she told the judge this cannot be true as the petitioner was in hospital at that time giving birth to her baby boy, yup it was a lucky call that her mixed up re-write made her completely forget our sons birthday.
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Re: The biggest thing that made you think this was 'MLC'?
#59: September 23, 2019, 06:13:58 PM
My ex asked me if I would ever consider living with him and OW* as a platonic friend. This was like just 2-3 weeks into it.

* I later learned OW was a sex worker.

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Re: The biggest thing that made you think this was 'MLC'?
#60: September 23, 2019, 06:16:45 PM
The one that stands out the most was “this would never have happened if you made me a cup of tea in the mornings” the strange things was I Used to....

I think there may be a thread on the trivial reasons someone with this condition gives for leaving, but this quote made me think of it. My ex told our young son that one of the reasons he left was that I did not cut up fruit for him.*

* Factually incorrect.

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Re: The biggest thing that made you think this was 'MLC'?
#61: September 23, 2019, 06:38:21 PM
There’s no depths they will not stoop to Velika to justify their betrayal of us, it shows their immature mentality in MLC. Also if that’s all they got on us we can’t be that bad.
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Re: The biggest thing that made you think this was 'MLC'?
#62: September 23, 2019, 06:44:18 PM
You really can’t make what they say at the time up Velika there should be a sticky thread at the front of the forum to warn newbies of the script they use during bomb drop. I know us old timers can laugh about things now but at the time it is soooo hurtful.
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Re: The biggest thing that made you think this was 'MLC'?
#63: September 23, 2019, 06:56:31 PM
You really can’t make what they say at the time up Velika there should be a sticky thread at the front of the forum to warn newbies of the script they use during bomb drop. I know us old timers can laugh about things now but at the time it is soooo hurtful.

Yes. I personally feel that MLC is a type of physical event of the brain and this is why we see such a striking behavior pattern. If a certain part of the brain is damaged or impaired, you see very very similar behavior to MLC.

I recently read an interview with a psychologist who said she was amazed by how every narcissism story sounded the same. There is a reason for this and that shows why therapists with no medical training should not be on the front lines with this. Neither should attorneys who also lack mental health training.

The people who have failed us are not our unwell spouses. They are the people we turn to for help when we see that they are not well, who don't listen.
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Re: The biggest thing that made you think this was 'MLC'?
#64: September 23, 2019, 07:17:14 PM
Yes. I personally feel that MLC is a type of physical event of the brain and this is why we see such a striking behavior pattern. If a certain part of the brain is damaged or impaired, you see very very similar behavior to MLC.

Yes. And not exactly.

For me MLC is a neurological/neurobiological/biological issue. I am not certain what you mean by a physical even of the brain. MLC involves depression. Of what type exactly we do not know. High Energy MLCers and Wallowers have very different behaviours. It is more likey the issue is chemical (including hormonal, cortisol is the hormone responsible for stress) that physical in the sense of a permanent brain change.

If the brain is damaged or impaired it is temporarially since MLCers come out of MLC. It is not permanent, irrecuperable brain damage.

I recently read an interview with a psychologist who said she was amazed by how every narcissism story sounded the same. There is a reason for this and that shows why therapists with no medical training should not be on the front lines with this. Neither should attorneys who also lack mental health training.

I don't know where you are, but here most therapists have no medical training. Laywers are lawyers. When a lawyer needs to have someone assesing mental/neurological illness (for me mental illness is neurological illness) they get a therapist and/or a psychiatrist  and/or a neurologist.

You know, even having medical training may not mean much, since most with medical training, psychiatrists included, know very little about the brain. Psychiatrists still tend to work as they did years ago. Which is not a good thing.
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Re: The biggest thing that made you think this was 'MLC'?
#65: September 24, 2019, 03:37:10 AM
Velika I believe the menopause/andropause causes them to flip a hormone driven neurological switch inside their head which contributes to full blown MLC, together with a desire for a simpler life and FOO issues ( poor coping mechanisms).
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Following along, Velika, and interested in the discussions on your thread. We really have discovered very little about MLC. We are familiar with the symptoms now, but still not much else.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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What made you think it was a MLC????

The night of BD, that's how...... W begging and pleading for help, sobbing like I've never seen...... and then *poof*..... in the span of a breath.... mid-sentence..... the woman I knew and loved was gone.
The face changed and went from panic to completely relaxed and yet also made of stone. The voice changed and went from a higher pitched stressed to a utterly calm lower tone. The words went from the person I knew to one of absolute malice. The eyes lost their sparkle and the light behind them went out.... the pupils changed and I met shark-eyes for the 1st time.

All in the span of a moment..... no warning..... no goodbye.... just here and then gone.

Her cries were replaced by my own that night. The most horrific night of my life.

-SS
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W - 43
M - 46
Together 28 years, M 25
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

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Wow SS,
That's a harrowing account.
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M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

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Wow SS, that really is mind boggling to witness the moment of metamorphosis, no wonder you cried it’s heart breaking knowing you can do nothing to help. Those shark eyes are really creepy to see I remember them well.
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I knew it was MLC when he BD'd me.  I told him I'd stand by him as it was going to be  a bumpy ride.  I had NO idea it was going to be this bumpy :o

If I'd been going to end any relationship, it would be with compassion and many tears I am sure.  How can you be with someone for 30 years and act like what you are telling them is you're going to the shop for milk?  XH calmly and with NO emotion told me:

"We have nothing in common,  I feel empty inside, trapped and bored.  Life means nothing, I'm a total failure".  I only have 10 years to live, "Divorce is good for kids because they get to visit two houses"  :o :o

That's not a speech from a man who wants to end a marriage, that's a man who has totally lost himself, telling his wife he had a terrible childhood.  Add to the mix that our son was finishing school, so xH felt old, his work colleague died and he got a promotion he couldn't handle and BAM!!!  MLC here I come!

He also stayed home for 18 months, someone who is that unhappily married would be gone in an instant.  He shook all the time, shark eyes, emotional wreck most days, projecting all his shortcomings onto me.  He started wearing skate shoes, manscaping :o and going to parties with 20 year old work colleagues.  He clung to the edge of the bed for a year, barely slept and couldn't remember much about our lives together.  XH looked at a picture of our daughter when she was thee and said "That isn't our girl"  When asked who it was he said he didn't know.

He became increasingly aggressive/violent as his need to get away vs the need to stay was tearing him apart.

How do I know it's MLC?  Does anyone have to ask  :o

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"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

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I think I sort of knew it was MLC when he said he has been unhappy for a long time and me moving in with him was a mistake (that was 7 years ago when we had the conversation). We were always everyone's favourite couple  ::) I went to google and found this forum... I think his dad's death kickstarted his MLC from gear 1 to 5

Pre-BD or leading up to BD
- Started going to the gym regularly and exercising, taking selfies, sending to younger female friends
- Fasting
- Beginning to get back into dancing, something he loved
- Very secretive about his phone, always ON it. Previously, he would barely touch his phone and I always have trouble getting to him
- Anger, hostility, lots of blaming me
- Talking about sex all the time, we should do this/that/swingers/etc, fear of missing out as hookup culture is huge with youngsters he hangs out with
- Younger friends (refer above)
- Lots of partying and going out
- Increase of social media use and chat apps

Then MLCer just wanted to be single again, live a single life and be happy, tired of taking care of me (i'm the sole breadwinner) and i'm boring.

Post BD / i have already moved out
- Started DJing
- Wants to be single and enjoy 'girls', don't want to 'miss out' on all the fun
- Travels a lot, burning his savings
- Shops for new clothes, a lot of them
- Bought a sports car  8)
- Got his lease cancelled by landlord :o
- Moved twice
- Alcohol and drug abuse
- Weight loss

Now (4 years post BD)
- Crashed and possibly burning now
- Ran out of money
- Both OW1 and OW2 married now, still in touch with OW1 which was a mutual friend before this circus. Deleted and blocked OW2
- Massive depression/PTSD/not sure what else, one massive manic episode which I had to call his mum to call the hospital (I am no longer a "family" to make that call)
- Gotten all spiritual

All these while he was a clinging boomerang. We were reconnecting for the most of this year until his depression hit him hard recently.

Never saw him cry for the past 10 years except when his dad died. He came over to return some of my stuff recently, and those are not even my stuff. Umbrella, not mine, wtf? Some random stuff, including his old passport, wtf? Scarf, it was his!! He cried that night. Also sent me a photo of a large framed picture of me in his living room, saying he would have the photo on his wall forever (yep he said this) and will never forget me in his life.. before coming over to return (not) my stuff as we should be going our separate ways for good.
 


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Together since 2009, 7.5 years
- PA with OW1 09/15 (BD1)
- EA with OW2 02/16 (BD2)
I moved out 07/16..

M
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Her Dad died and she turned into someone I didn't recognise.

She did things which, for 25yrs, she hated to see in others.....lying, cheating, dishonesty. The most important things in her life didn't matter to her anymore....me, the family, being together, being united, working through problems and issues. \

There was nothing I could do to fix it....the more I tried, the worse it got. She never looked internally.....everything was my fault.

Plus all of the above.....I saw the vast majority of the what others are saying in my wife.....

Very sad....
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Quote
Velika I believe the menopause/andropause causes them to flip a hormone driven neurological switch inside their head which contributes to full blown MLC, together with a desire for a simpler life and FOO issues ( poor coping mechanisms).

I would have to agree with this. It may not be that simple, but it describes my H. Younger OW, contact lenses, dieting, new clothes. All cliche, but he also wanted out of what was a difficult season of our lives at that time. It got hard, so he ran. Back to a time when life was simpler and he was a stud. (in his mind anyway). And FOO issues galore. Don't get me started.  ::)
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Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

 

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