[freefall2flight]

Hi All,

So, as the subject suggests, life has gotten pretty tough recently…..

Together: 16 years (Married 11 years)
Children x 2: D6 D3
BD: 7th Jan 23 (During a petty argument about cleaning our bookshelf my wife exclaimed “I am done!”)
BD part 2: Moved into our converted garage 24th Feb 23

I tend to waffle so I will ‘try’ my best to be concise….


Early History

Got together W:16 M:21
I suffered from anxiety & depression
Wife came from a broken home of divorce (Wife aged 7) and step parents (my upbringing was stable)
Both families disapproved of our relationship however I received verbal abuse and threats from her Dad
Wife moved in with me after 10 months
My wife did not speak to her Dad for 7 years and he did not attend our wedding.  My wife maintains she would have reconciled with her Dad sooner however her Mum and Stepdad ‘poisoned her’ against her Dad.
My wife, Dad and I have an amazing relationship now for the last 9 years.  He was very apologetic to me which I told him not to be as I would likely have acted with the same level of disapproval.


Mental Health

Over the years we have both suffered anxiety & depression at different times
Last time I was medicated was 2013
In 2015, due to past recreational drug use I was denied life insurance.  This triggered depression and anxiety as I felt I had failed my wife and my future family.  I had more counselling and felt better as I was given alternatives (self insurance). We went on a big holiday (our last together abroad) in December and we decided to try for a baby.
My wife was first medicated in Jan 2022 (she claims that I stopped her from getting medicated in the past.  However this is not really true, having been medicated myself in the past I encouraged her to try exercise and socialising first to help her as I had experienced difficult side effects from the SSRIs.  I had been trying to encourage her on these fronts for years.  I told her I was proud of her since she went to the Doctors off her own back.  Since BD I had (wrong I understand now) insisted she was depressed and although she is still medicated she denies it.  I said I was happy that she was enjoying socialising (basically partying every other week with her work colleagues) and going to the gym (a gym I helped her sign up for and partly fund due to her not being able to afford it - I did and do this as I thought it was helping her).  She said she didn’t want to do it in the past because I suggested it but she is doing it now because it’s her choice!?!
In Oct 2022 my wife also told me she thought she has ADHD which I initially reacted poorly to and said we could fix things.  Once she told me how angry this made her. I threw myself into helping her and reading everything I could and I came to agree with her.  She has since seen a Psychologist who after consultation, prior to the final diagnosis has stated that in her clinical opinion it is likely my wife has ADHD.


Relationship issues

Our difficulties got worse after our first child in 2017.  It was a very stressful pregnancy and my wife had many complications with a risk of fatality due to bleeding out.  I was lucky enough to attend every appointment as I was so worried.
My wife began to withdraw from that point, albeit slowly.
We appear to have a very codependent relationship which I believe I have enabled over the years with me being the main cook, cleaner, organiser, planner and the one responsible for finances.  Although I have expressed burnout over the years and tried to encourage her getting involved she never did.  This led to me feeling overburdened and at times fostered resentment in me.  However since the revelation of ADHD, this fits and I feel bad and guilty about the way I handled things.  Although I have read in ADHD forums, undiagnosed ADHD can play havoc in a marriage and a parent-child dynamic is common.
I became hyper-organised and frugal to counter the situation, in my mind preparing for a future.  My idea being we could pay off the house and within 5 years and save for our children’s and our future.  My wife disagreed with this as she said she never had anything growing up and so our children would be OK. 
I am an affectionate person and so my wife withdrawing was difficult and I was always open and honest that it made me feel lonely and unloved and I asked her how I could make sure she felt loved.
The common theme around this is our communication lines were never open.  I was always happy to talk about alternatives but my wife only expressed disagreement but when asked what she would like instead always replied with “I don’t know.”
My wife basically completely gave up in October 2022 however there was no bomb drop then so I just picked up the slack for Christmas and our D birthday in Jan


(2023) This year and Bomb Drop

After an argument in January 2023 about where to put some items from a bookcase during spring cleaning my wife told me she was done. 
At this point I gave her some space and took our girls away for the day to a play park.  I bumped into my wife’s best friend and told her what had happened.  I said she thought she had ADHD and I thought she was depressed.
She said she felt my wife and her had drifted as my wife had withdrawn from her but she would try and reach out. 
I started to arrange couples therapy and my wife arranged individual therapy. 
I shared my ADHD research with my wife and tried to help her. 
We changed couples therapists on my suggestion as I felt an ADHD specialist may help. 
My wife said to the therapist she felt nothing would change and she didn’t feel the same about me any more and that it was a hard decision to come to leave.
My wife also went out again and was so ill I had to get a friend to come over at 3am to look after our children so I could pick her up.
We took our children away for the night and went to a water park and hotel on Thursday 23rd Feb.  My wife was withdrawn and said she had to go work on our holiday which made me angry (not at her but for her) and our kids were sad.
I confronted her and said I thought we should talk on her return.  It was that night she calmly reiterated that she was done.  She could not give me a reason.  When pushed she said I was over organised and obsessive (on reflect this is true and a consequence of my letting my anxiety take over my life). 
That night she moved into our garage conversion (basically a studio apartment) in our backyard.


Post Bomb Drop
The next few days I spiralled and acted out of fear and panic. I cried in front of our children (although they believed I had chilli in my eyes).
My eldest daughter (6yo) did notice her Mummy was gone and got emotional.  She told me she was hearing voices and kept crying for her Mummy. 
I am ashamed to say I contacted my Wife’s best friend (the sensible one) and told her thought my wife was depressed and sent a video of our daughter crying.
 I also replied to her brother as my wife stayed with him.  He was kind and offered support and I again told her I thought she was depressed.  I regret both of these things as I understand this was me trying to control the situation unfairly although I felt I was acting to help her.
This obviously made my wife angry and I acknowledged to her and our therapist that I felt I was wrong and acted out of panic since my wife was also stonewalling me.
In therapy we agreed to keep our usual routine for the girls sake and my wife would remain sleeping in the garage.  This has worked to some extent however my wife is still withdrawn.
In our last two couples therapy sessions I took ownership for my contribution to our issues as working with a therapist at work I have identified how I have not processed my depression and anxiety, especially around life insurance which has caused me to not listen properly to my wife and become obsessed about saving in case I die. 
I have already made steps to resolve this by applying for life insurance and beginning to work on my appearance (I have not bought clothes for 8 years), opening up our money to us both and conversations about how we spend our money for the future (releasing the reins so to speak).  This has been liberating.
Unfortunately my wife in the last session refuses to talk about any reasons even though I have acknowledged that I know I have hurt her and would like her to open up about the ways I have done this so I may understand where I can improve in the future. 
She has told me she ‘thinks’ she may no longer feel the same for me, she ‘thinks’ she no longer wants to sex with me (we last has sex on 18th February 2023, I made an effort to make it all about her after giving her a long massage) and she thinks that feelings can never change. 
She wanted to talk about the practical steps of separating so when I agreed to discuss what her vision of the future was she said she didn’t know and explained to the therapist that since I do all the bills and manage all the major decisions in life she doesn't not know where to start. 
This is frustrating as part of my issue in the relationship was that I was overwhelmed with taking on so much on and felt unloved through us becoming distant and not receiving help when I asked for it. 
We are no longer in couples therapy however I remained in IC.  She did not.


Why I believe my wife is in MLC

Spending much more time at work
Going out much more and coming home drunk and vomiting
Dyed her hair
Packages and packages of new clothes
Withdrawing from the children
Turning her back on any responsibility to the house and family
Her ‘room’ in our garage conversation is like a 17 year olds room
Lying about her whereabouts
Lying about things she has done or going to do (or not done)
Withdrawing from her ‘good’ friends and family, exchanging them for a lonely woman 10 years older than her whose husband works away and kids have flown the nest.  This is her drinking partner who has lied for my wife a number of times (e.g my wife stayed in a hotel when she told me she was at her friends - her friend backed this up until I confronted the friend who then cried)
Posting in a manner on social media that she hates (she always hated her Mum doing that)
Acting in a manner which her Mum did she she was separated before divorce, again which my wife hated
Complete personality change and venom towards me as well as snapping and being cold with our children (not to mention a complete loss of manners!  No please or thank yous for any of us most of the time, something which my wife used to value in high regard)
Saying she wants to leave but can give no reason or plan for the future
Cycling between high energy party girl to low energy locking herself in her ‘room’ for days on end
As far as I am aware she has only told 4 people, her friend (who is also her employee) above, another colleague who is having marital issues and an affair and then her brother who is himself in a depression.  She begrudgingly told her original best friend but resisted as apparently she is ‘too sensible’


Possible Triggers

Her Mum moving away suddenly to the other side of the country with her ‘new family’ the week our first child was born (2017)
Her original best friend died suddenly in April 2022 - they grew apart following my wife getting together.  My wife had not spoken to her for about 13 years.
My vasectomy in Oct 2022.  I tried to discuss this topic for about 2 years but my wife refused to speak about it as he said it made her sad.
Her sister became a single Mum in Nov 2022 (her partner has never really been around or a good influence to her sister)

My actions

Aside from my crazy behaviour in the 7 days post BD, I have really tried to reflect.
I have acknowledged what I feel are my contributions to our marriage difficulties both in couples therapy and in an apology letter.  I tried really hard to give no explanations (such as me feeling overburdened and in the throes of anxiety) and instead aimed to validate her feelings. It is all very tricky as she does not open up at all
I have become more present for my children.  I have always been there physically but not always in mind and soul as I have been worried with task management and what I need to do next.  My phone is now in another room with notifications turned off.
I have been working on anxiety through therapy, books and podcasts
I have been working on my health and am running and going to the gym again
I am reconnecting with friends
I am basically GAL
I ask my W no questions but answer cordially when she engages me
I am trying to take a step back where possible to wean that dependence, for me emotionally and for my W practically
I am giving her all the space she asks for
I have started to explore spirituality, no something I am familiar with as it was not really part of my upbringing


My stance
At this moment in time I am standing.  I reflect on my vows and good days, bad days, rich and poor, sickness and health til death do us part, covers every eventuality.  By walking away now I would not be honouring these and then what was the point in getting married?
I feel I am a good husband (she actually said this in therapy!) and father (again, she said this in therapy!)  however I am not perfect and am under no illusion, I have contributed to our issues.  However I feel nothing at present is insurmountable, although this is difficult to assess without any real meaningful conversation.

What I have learnt from these boards is my W needs TIME.

Bracing myself as I feel the tide rushing in from the incoming storm.

Thank you for reading and apologies, it was not as concise as I had hoped!
-freefall

[Treasur]

Dear lost - please don’t worry about conciseness, that was a lot to summarise and some of us here (waves hand) are more wordy than others.

Well done on taking the first step in posting which can feel a bit daunting. There are some kind wise folks here, with a range of perspectives, who have walked in similar painful shoes. People will try to support you the best they can; you can decide, through trial and error, what works for you and what doesn’t.

Three things struck me from your post.

The first is that you are in a kind of uncertain limbo. Your wife has announced that she is ‘done’ and is talking about separation but, other than moving into the annex, is not presenting you with any kind of concrete plan or proposal. As you have a history of anxiety and depression, that uncertainty makes it even more important to dig deep on taking care of your own physical and mental wellbeing, so well done on getting an IC for yourself.

The second is that, from your POV, you have a pattern of over functioning in your marriage and your wife a history of underfunctioning with the adult stuff of life. Is that true as parents? Is that true in work life or life outside the home? That dynamic is not unusual here....and you are right that it can foster some inadvertently unhealthy patterns like control and codependency and avoidance of accountability. Your IC will doubtless help you reflect on what you get from being an overfunctioner lol. My best advice is that you start asking yourself some very practical questions about what belongs on your side of the street and what does not, what you can control directly and what you cannot. And to figure out how to set healthy boundaries about how you want to function that are not about trying to punish or control or fix anyone else. Imho changing those overfunction/under function patterns usually needs some work on boundaries and, bc patterns exist bc both folks get something from them, the other person tends not to react too well when you change your own behaviour. (Hint....other people’s thoughts, feelings, actions and POV is usually not in our hands....but we have choices for our own and how we respond to events.  )

The third is that I would encourage you to ease away from labels like depression or even MLC. You may well be right....but, if your wife is for instance depressed or has ADHD, the label won’t help you change that. Just as she can’t fix your own issues with anxiety. It is likely to be much more constructive to focus on your own labels and leave her to figure out her own for herself. Plus, at the moment, labelling her is much more likely to suck you into any existing pattern of codependency and lead you (and her) to avoid taking responsibility and accountability for her own actions and the effects of them.

So, practical stuff....
If I were you, I would take what you wife says at face value and respond accordingly. Which is not the same as believing BS or any of the blame she is throwing your way. You can accept that this is what she has said/done bc it is what she currently feels/has done without holding it to represent some universal truth.
Which means you may need to consider what is necessary and best for your own wellbeing and for the care of your children and your finances. How might things work best with a virtual wife in the annex situation? What needs to change in how big and small day to day life things work? Do you need to do anything about how your joint finances work to protect you and your kids if she goes MLC bonkers with money bc some do?
It’s not easy to train our brains to stop thinking of ourselves as part of a We, but practically speaking, once one person has put separation on the table, that’s what comes along with it....a way of seeing You and Her and the (sometimes) shared ground of parenting. What are your thoughts on this so far? How is it working currently given that your kids are quite small? And have you taken legal advice - even if you are not ready to act on it - about how you might safeguard your own and your kids needs if you separate more formally than the ‘wife in an annex’ situation?

We all know how very hard and painful this is.
We also know that, regardless of what happens with your marriage in future, it is scary and life altering and changes us as LBS.
We also know, if it is MLC, that things may well get harder and more confusing before they get better.
But above all, we know that it can and will get better, that there is a good life on the other side of this even if it is hard to see right now x

[xyzcf]

Hello, welcome to Heros Spouse.

This is a confusing time for you. When I first read about MLC I was struck with an understanding, of being able to make sense from what happened to our marriage of 32 years.

There are many similarities in our stories. Many of the things you listed why you think she is having a "crisis" fit...as well as her past history. Of everything you wrote (and thank you for it helps us to know you and your situation a bit better) this struck me:

It was that night she calmly reiterated that she was done.  She could not give me a reason.  When pushed she said I was over organised and obsessive (on reflect this is true and a consequence of my letting my anxiety take over my life).

If a couple is having difficulties  in their relationship, they can list several reasons why they want out. MLCer's do not give us a reason or they give us some absurd answer...my husband told me I was too intense and I talked too much.....which is somewhat true but didn't seem like a good enough reason to suddenly tell me he was "done". That is the one and only reason he ever gave me.

What took me a long time to accept is that MLC is not about you and not about your marriage. It seems strange since it definitely impacts our marriages.

Couples therapy does not seem to help, what has sent your spouse into a crisis, and there are many theories of what causes this including childhood issues, chemical imbalances, fear of getting older, loss of someone significant in their lives......once they reach the point of bomb drop they have already decided to leave the relationship. They might attend some sessions but are not interested in working on saving the marriage...they are on a different journey now.

As for your own personal therapy,  we have been traumatized by what has happened. Our whole world has been blown apart and the rejection, betrayal and abandonment creates severe distress in us. As you said, you were a good husband and are a good father. You do not have to try and find possible reasons in yourself for why she is in crisis. None of us were perfect and what worked so well for many years is proof to me that it isn't me. The best therapy that I had was working on how to bring my own anxiety, greatly increased by this...my fight/flight/freeze response back to homeostasis...easier said than done. Over time, you will find what works for you.

Read RCR's articles if you have not done so already. There is a wealth of information there to help you understand what is happening. They are worth reading many times throughout this journey you are on.

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

You have young children and the changes in their mom will also affect them. It will be hard to deal with your own pain and also that of your little ones.

You may wish to read threads by Standing Strong. He has some really good insight into his wife's MLC. Here is a link to his first post:

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10879.msg727117#msg727117

At this moment in time I am standing.  I reflect on my vows and good days, bad days, rich and poor, sickness and health til death do us part, covers every eventuality.  By walking away now I would not be honouring these and then what was the point in getting married?

I am a Stander and agree with what you wrote. It's not a really something the world views as important but it is to me. It is a very personal decision and one that you will most likely contemplate a great deal. There are many definitions that are given to the idea of standing..one is that it allows you to figure out yourself and how to move forward....my definition aligns with yours.

If your beliefs about marriage are faith based, there is a very helpful site called Rejoice Ministries that has helped me. There is also a Men's Devotional each Saturday although I often find that I can relate just as easily to the men's stance. Just another resource if that fits your worldview.

Feel free to ask questions and use the answers if they fit you and your situation and disregard those that don't. The beauty about Heros' Spouse is that we have walked in similar shoes and can understand things that perhaps our families and friends are not able to.
 

[freefall2flight]

Hi Treasur,

Thank you for your detailed reply.  I have been mulling over posting for the last few days and finally bit the bullet.

Since I have suffered anxiety and depression on and off for 20 years I have built up a reasonable tool set, especially for my depression which has allowed me to go unmedicated for the last 10 years.  Although on reflection my anxiety before this was out of control.  I must admit BD week sent me a little loopy and I was a hot mess and acted impulsively and irrationally.  Luckily I had a good set of family friends (a husband and wife) who took me in on the Sunday, fed me and my kids and listened to me for 4 hours straight with no break.  They really are good friends.  They have been incredible in that they not only listened without judgement but also challenged me too which is what I want.  I feel this is what is needed as it is hard for friends and family not to show some kind of bias.  I thought they were exceptionally balanced, respectful and fair.

I have been reading a book called Feeling Great by Dr David Burns which has actually had a huge impact on my current mood with his TEAM-CBT methods.  In fact I wish I had read his first book Feeling Good 20 years ago, I feel it may have been better then 10 years of medication.  Exercise is really helping too.

Regarding the over and underfunctioning this has been acknowledged in our previous couples counselling sessions and is apparently a hallmark of neurodiverve relationships.  However through my own mirror work I have realised that this impacts me in every facet of my life.  On the Enneagram scale I am a type one (The Reformer) which describes me to a tee!


“Ones are conscientious and ethical, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are teachers, crusaders, and advocates for change: always striving to improve things, but afraid of making a mistake. Well-organized, orderly, and fastidious, they try to maintain high standards, but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic. They typically have problems with resentment and impatience. At their Best: wise, discerning, realistic, and noble. Can be morally heroic.

Basic Fear: Of being corrupt/evil, defective

Basic Desire: To be good, to have integrity, to be balanced”


I have been working to take a step back and relax a bit more.  I find it hard not to compulsively help people even if I do not actually want to, this includes my wife, family, friends and colleagues to the point I become overburdened.  Even though I feel this comes from a good place I am certain it has contributed to some of our issues.

I really like your point about “Hint....other people’s thoughts, feelings, actions and POV is usually not in our hands....but we have choices for our own and how we respond to events.”  I see that whilst my wife is making questionable choices at the moment, I canot stop her from making them.  At the same time I can lead the choices I make and lead by example (not for her benefit but for my own values that I want to influence my children).

I also agree with what you have said about labels.  Ironically this was what I originally said to my wife when she brought up her concern that she may have ADHD.  I said, it is only a label, we can work together on any challenges you face.  This went down like a lead balloon and was seen as uncaring.  My current view is we are who we and and we are all different, ideally we make the best of what we have and what we can do and not dwell on what we can’t do or what we don’t have.

In terms of blame I am trying to become thicker skinned and feel I have been doing a reasonable job of not responding in a negative way.  This week I was even blamed for my wife driving through a red light when she was driving.  I notice a lot of the blame seems to be a form of projection of her anger/disappointment in herself.  Strangely she will blame me for things which are completely false to the point where she has admitted in a message that she did it.  I have stopped pointing these out as it gets us nowhere.

My biggest fear is the impact on our girls.  Our 6yo is very perceptive and will notice if anything changes in routine.  To this end I have tweaked our routine in the morning since my wife doesn’t get out of bed until late to come into the house.  I get up extra early to make sure I am up before them and have built the morning routine around being upstairs a bit longer.  This was stressful at first but now they are currently buying that Mummy is doing laundry in the garage

In terms of parenting she has really taken a step back doing the bare minimum (yet posts on socials photos which appear to paint a different happy, involved picture - this is why I have always hated the likes of Facebook, it is not real).  I am creating new and enjoyable routines with the children which both I and they are getting a lot out of.  My wife is welcome to join, I only ask her once though.  Sometimes she does other times (like tonight she disappears).

All in all I am trying to keep busy enough that the limbo is at the back of my mind.  This works for me as an individual however it does present some anxieties for events/situations where we would usually be a family. E.g Holidays.  I have actually booked a 3 bedroom caravan for the summer and plan on asking my wife if she wants to join.  I am scared of this but I will need to act soon.  The children do not know of the situation yet and her decision will be pivotal in our current predicament.

My understanding regarding the limbo is just grin and bear it for now as asking about her plans is just pressure

-freefall2flight (I changed from -lost to be more positive :-D)

[freefall2flight]

Hi xyzcf, thank you for the welcome.  What a strange club to join albeit full of fantastic kind people!

Confusion is something I do feel every single day.  Perhaps because I am very logical (I am a scientist and analyst by trade).

I mean in terms of a reason, I can somewhat validate “over organised and obsessive” because it was true.  I have done a lot of work on these things both with my therapist and myself.  However I did ask my wife if she has ever benefited from those traits too.  This did stop her in her tracks. 

When she was talking about splitting our savings 50/50 to separate, I did remind her also how she really hated that I saved most of my disposable income left from my salary into accounts for the girl's future which as built up to a nice little nest egg already.  She disagreed with me doing this as she said “she never had anything growing up, no one saved her”.  My justification was always that it is my money and I rather save for the kids than waste it on marial items for me or the pub.  She has always been free to do whatever she likes with her money.  I just thought it interesting now that this ‘extra’ money she thought she would take a 50% cut from is actually a benefit from my ‘obsessive saving.’

Haha xyzcf, “talking to much,” I have that in common with you too.  I can’t talk first thing in the morning as it is too early.  I can’t talk before school as it is too busy.  I can’t talk during the day because that is for work.  I can’t talk after work as she needs a rest.  I can’t talk at dinner as we are eating.  I can't talk before the girls go to bed as it is too busy again.  I can’t talk after the girls go to bed as that is relaxing time.  Then I can't talk before bed as it is too late lol No we don;t really talk much at all so she got her wish.

You are right, couples therapy was not working.  My wife either did not talk or reiterated things like “feelings can’t change” or “the damage has been done” or other vague nondescript negativeness.  Yet when push by either me or the therapists she could not give any examples of damage or hurt.  It became just me reflecting on what I felt I had contributed to our problems, apologizing blindly and how I was working through my anxiety.  It just seemed to annoy my wife more so I cancelled a session with a work commitment as an excuse and she hasn’t even tried to start it back up.  As you said “they might attend some sessions but are not interested in working on saving the marriage...they are on a different journey now.”  This is completely true to life.

I heard something the other day comparing death to breakup, in death there is usually no choice however in a breakup someone is making a choice.  I feel totally rejected in my wife making this choice.  Peeling back my anger and frustration, I feel overwhelming hurt and very lonely in the evenings when the children are in bed and I am on my own.  Everything I have done (especially in the last 6 years since having kids) has been about my wife, my kids, family and friends.  I lost me. Although I feel selfish I am really trying to do a little more for me now.

In terms of spirituality, it is something I am exploring, I have spoken to people practicing and read material from different faiths.  The one common denominator between the different beliefs is the kindness of the followers.

Thank you again for your reply, I do really appreciate the advice and support.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Sorry that you are here.

MLCer's do not give us a reason or they give us some absurd answer...my husband told me I was too intense and I talked too much.....which is somewhat true but didn't seem like a good enough reason to suddenly tell me he was "done".

and

When pushed she said I was over organised and obsessive (on reflect this is true and a consequence of my letting my anxiety take over my life).

Xyzcf is right. They really can't give you a reason and the only reason why we ask for a reason is so our little "fixer: brain of ours can then fix the problem and restore the relationship.

We all have quirks and things that make us who we are. So when did Mr. Xyzcf determine that his wife talked too much....hmmm year three? twenty-three? Thirty?

She is also right that it is not about you or your marriage. It is all internal. Like a really beautiful car that doesn't have an engine. By all outward appearances, it looks perfect, until you try to start it. That's why marriage counseling doesn't work because it's not about the marriage-it's within them. I did counseling for over two years and it went nowhere. It even was her idea. it all goes back to looking for solutions and not understanding or breaking down the problem.

As stated before, your wife has decided to blow up her entire life. Time to become a new person. Now she has plenty of issues to resolve on her own. So, while she is on her journey, you can start yours. As others have stated, it is a time for you to heal. Bomb drop and everything else has a huge impact and you can't be at you best for your child or yourself until you give yourself the opportunity to heal from the huge blow you have been dealt.

Which means you may need to consider what is necessary and best for your own wellbeing and for the care of your children and your finances.

Say this to yourself everyday. You are on your own journey. It is going to take time, but detach from her and focus on you and your child. Instead of thinking of an ending, think of what you see yourself as becoming. Becoming a better father, becoming a better man. Don't do this for her, but do it for you.

This is a painful time and I am truly sorry, be good to yourself and keep posting your story,

(((Ready)))

[Treasur]

What very measured responses from you to others posts, free.
That says a lot about the kind of man you are, given this is such early days post BD. Worth remembering whenever you fear you might be the bonkers one lol.

I’m highlighting it too bc gaslighting - intentional or otherwise - is pretty common with folks who unravel this way. For a variety of psychological reasons that tbh are not worth unpicking as they are beyond your control and not on your side of the street....but living with extended gaslighting can do a real number on one’s mental health and imho if one has a predeliction to anxiety can trigger a kind of over-fixy reaction in one’s brain, so it is worth being aware of. You may find it helpful to have your own mantra or mental checklist for situations like the red light....if you weren’t there, didn’t know about it, and got no voice or vote on something, it’s pretty unlikely that it has anything to do with you or belongs on your side of the street imho 

How wonderful that your good friends were there to scoop you up in your hour of need. It takes a village sometimes, right? Although - as a dear friend once reminded me when I was expressing my gratitude for how friends had supported me - the friends we have also says something about the kind of friend we are, doesn’t It?

Your w’s current actions though are useful breadcrumbs to predict some of her future actions.....physically absent mummy vs Facebook mummy, her sense of entitlement about what 50/50 means, her ‘I had nothing so why should it be any different for the kids’ and the likelihood given her ‘disappearances’ that there is an OM or Omen in the mix (sorry) which is pretty common here. These things are probably pretty likely predictors of how she will handle future practicalities of separation or any legal/financial issues......and that might help you get your own ducks in a row and consider your options in advance of having to decide on them.

It is very early post BD and the in-home separation/wife in an annex situation is a tough one that others her have lived with, so I will leave it to others to suggest things that helped them. From the cheap seats, your example of the morning ritual with your kids and her absence is a useful one bc it highlights that you have choices about how/if you change your old normal day to day routines - if you live more or less as if you are now separated and a single parent for most of the time or not. Only you know what that spectrum might look like practically and emotionally but lots of other parents here have had to wrestle with that which I hope will be useful to you. I am not a parent (so a million caveats  ) but bc I have experienced PTSD I have learned a great deal of respect for the safety and stability of reality vs not reality.....it is very early days but there will come a time, even with young kids, when the ‘mommy’s doing laundry’ thing is not going to make sense to them. Imho age appropriate truth, without grown up editorial, is part of what makes children feel safe and secure in their own instincts. It avoids unintentionally or inadvertently gaslighting them or leaving them feeling responsible in some way for things that are not about them or bc of them.

Again, I can’t imagine how difficult that must feel as a parent who wants to protect your little one’s from life’s hurts....but it may be worthwhile for you to start considering these things now or talking them over with your IC. Same goes for the holiday booking.....or for thinking about reliable childcare support that might allow you to do some good GAL things instead of sitting solo in the evenings. Do you have local family or friends support that might help? It is pretty rare here (and by rare, I mean almost unheard of lol) that these kind of spouses balance their own wants/needs with being a consistent reliable parent....at best they seem to be able to do an occasional Disney Dad/Mum who pops up for public events or vacations. Most of the time tbh - for a variety of reasons - their Me Me filter is set staggeringly high....everything is about them and their feelings....and of course, to be fair, we LBS can have our own version of that post BD for a while, the We We marriage filter perhaps 

So, lots of things to muse on about how choices you might make - and that are legitimate and ok for you to make independently bc your w has chosen to unilaterally change the family landscape for whatever set of reasons -  will serve you and your children best in creating a stable, secure life. I’m sure it may not be what you want to do, but have you taken legal advice? Bc, as a father with young kids, not all legal systems are automatically in your favour and the devil can lie in the details.....understanding those issues now may help you to avoid short-term reactions that make longer-term choices more difficult?

[freefall2flight]

Thank you ready & treasur,

I am sitting here in my room reading this having got up early to sort the girls out.  They are excited as today we were having a family day....although Mummy has to work now (All rubbish as she had agreed to this day).  However not to be thwarted I have made different plans with the girls and I and booked some great activities for today.

@ready - thank you for your input, I really like your car analogy.  The description of blowing up life is certainly accurate.  As much as I read about MLC I often fall back into the trap of trying to understand even though I know I can't and won't.  The strangest notion is that my wife is 'chasing happiness' but seems so incredibly sad, worse than before BD.  I try an rationalize in my head what she is missing and if she moved on what would she gain but I can only come up with loss e.g all the things she "enjoys" doing at the moment she would no longer be able to afford on her own such as gym (it is very expensive) and partying, eating out etc.  I do not know if ODD (Oppositional defiant disorder) is a common trait with MLC however learning more about ADHD my therapist (who specialisms in ADHD) said is very common for those with ADHD to oppose opinions even if it flies in the face of what they want.  Very self destructive.


I was feeling pretty angry when I woke as we have no food in the house and my wife letting  the girls down again.  She is also out all weekend (lol she "reminded me" not to expect her to get up as she will be hungover!  Way to prioritize the children! She never gets up anyway.  In fact unless I am ill or exhausted I don't really lay in and so have always worked with the value if my wife needs sleep and I am awake, why would I make her get up.  I thought that was me being kind but perhaps I was enabling her) . I had planned food shopping earlier in the week however my wife was sheepishly wanting to make plans herself for that evening, so I was accommodating and changed my plans for another time (only the gym) but explained if she went out she would need to consider groceries.  Clearly did not register as we have nothing.

However, I am trying to think positive and the girls love to go food shopping so I will weave it into our days activities.  I may end up with random items in the trolley but all part of the fun.


@treasur They really are good friends.  The husband moved from India when he has 12 and I have known him for 25 years. The values of of his family are inspiring and I feel very loved by his entire family as are my children (and wife I may add!).

I am trying to not take certain things to heart when I know the accusations are either completely false or downright ludicrous.  I have taking to laughing and smile about them as sometimes it is so silly.  If I can't do it outwardly I do it in my head.

What is helping (I think as it is all very uncharted waters) is emotionally preparing myself for the crazy and potential OM.  She has previously been very self conscious about her body and I originally told myself she would never have an A.  However I am learning that this are no laws in crazy town and my science brain cannot hope to understand.  Now I am trying to be in the mindset of whatever happens I will deal with each challenge as it arrives.  No need to deal with things that have not happened, just lean to expect them.

I don't know much about PTSD so I will add that to my reading list.  I really do worry about my children's mental health in all of this.  My eldest around bomb drop although not knowing what was going on, she was very emotional and told us she was hearing voices in her head! She also is already showing signs of ADHD which has not worried me as I am just taking the time to work with her on what her likely challenges would be.  e.g we have a white board where she tickets of things she has to remember in the morning wich really engaes her and works (it worried my wife more yet as of yet she refuses to help or encourage our D6).  This is a common theme with my W, she will complain about something but never suggest let alone action anything to initiate change.  The school have advised we help D6 with a cople of things at home (she is doing well but just needs a little more support in  some areas) however my wife is more interested in tweetering/FBing/Instawhatevering.  Again, I have a choice to do what is best for D6 so I do not begrudge picking up the mantle for this. 

I laughed out loud at Disney Mum because that is so true at the moment.  And the real ringer is:

"everything is about them and their feelings"

My wife is blindly lead by feelings and makes every decision based on them which is crazy.  My D6 made a decision at the weekend to do something silly that she knew was a bad idea however she was "feeling" left out as her friends were doing it so my D6 copied them and injured herself.  Even at 6 she quickly learnt a lesson that acting on feelings alone can get you into trouble (she is ok now though, just a nice big graze all down her arm, she won't do it again lol).

I am lucky my parents live close by and they have been super helpful.  I feel guilty as I have leaned on them more recently.

I have most of our finances in order.  Since I have always dealt with the the finances yet hold that value that in a relationship there should be transparency (with the exception of our own disposable income, I also feel it is important to have your own funds to do nice things for yourself.  It just so happens my wife like to spend hers - nothing wrong with that as it is her money - and I liked to save most of mine), most of our joint money is in joint accounts, in pots for different expenses.  Although my wife hates it, the organisation and structure has afforded us a comfortable life with no major financial concerns.  Although in an effort to validate and listen to my wife, earlier in the year I simplified the finances a bit and moved a large chunk of savings from my account to the joint accounts.  She agreed to do the same from her account (these monies were joint monies anyway just held in our personal account for interest purposes).  In fact I was sending money to her personal savings account as per my previous post.  Well since we agreed this in January she has still not moved this money over.  I neurally reminded her earlier in the week as however she has still not done so.  I am stating to suspect it no longer exists.  But if that is the case then I will deal with it then.

I like to think she would be amicable about the girls if the worst happens however I am learning this world is upside down and my wife is not currently who she was.  I will look into legal advice, I think that is a prudent suggestion.

My anger has melted into tears this morning through all your kind words.  It certainly is a roller-coaster of emotion as no matter how strong I feel at one moment, a wave of sadness hits me in another.  Then the tide turns and I can hit by a wave of strength and resolve.  That is truely exhausting.

The limbo is also hard but I do not think either of us are ready to deal with any questions about the future.  In all honesty I am glad she is still here in the house (not in the house) as it does give me a glimmer of hope.  I think because close by although hard to manage with children unknowing is better than her vanishing

Thanks again for all your comments, I am off for a fantastic day with the girls :-D

[freefall2flight]

P.S a quick scan and my spelling and grammar was appalling.  However in an effort to calm my perfectionism I chose not to worry about it  Have a good day all

[Treasur]

I wouldn’t worry about reading up on PTSD tbh.....just keep focusing on consistently using all the tools and hacks you know already that manage your anxiety well. As my gran used to say, and you say here, no need to borrow trouble until trouble troubles us, right? (And imho that statement alone is the difference between being in the grip of one’s anxiety as opposed to having moments when it pops up....so, go you, another positive sign of how you are coping!....anxious brains tend to live in unknown futures, don’t they?)

What you shared about the groceries and the transfer of money is pretty standard experience here.
Again, putting the reasons to one side, there is a cavernous gap usually between what these folks say and what they do. Which is why you’ll see the phrase here about ‘believe nothing of what they say and only half of what they do’. Why does that matter? Bc what tends to rip us up emotionally and practically is that we expect something different....for them to keep their word, or behave like the ‘old them’ or how we think they should as a normal adult, or have the same priorities as we do. The anger is normal....it just shows you expected something different. Most LBS go through a process of adapting their expectations slowly. Tbh it can be a bit of a pendulum when we swing from expecting the best to expecting nothing but the worst....most of us find a way, with time, to expect what seems sensible to expect, adjusting our own behaviour accordingly and not making anything very important contingent on them doing anything much, allowing ourselves to be pleasantly surprised (without reading too much into it) when they do actually do what they said they would do. So it’s infuriating or bewildering lol....but normal as part of this experience if that helps. Next time, i’d guess you won”t rely on your wife for groceries for you and your kids..... ....we live and learn, right?

I hope you have a delightful family day with your girls....such a nice age for simple delights...and again, well done you for turning lemons into lemonade. It’s a reminder too that even if the shape of ‘family’ is now changed bc of your wife’s current actions, you and your girls are still family