[KayDee]

I am also surprised by any therapist who would simply sit and listen to a patient for extended periods of time without intervention or engaging in active work. Its almost unethical.

Yes! I thought that was very - what's the word? - squirmy? That the therapist was almost like a voyeur in the affair at times. I mean, OK, maybe sit through the graphic detail once or twice, but this person had 200 sessions. The therapist seemed over-involved.

What I thought was revealing, is how some therapists may approach this kind of infidelity. And I did also think the therapist's articulation of why the affair happened was instructive. But I agree, there were lots of gaps and omissions. The client states that the affair was very destructive, but that was left dangling. Perhaps the book has more depth.

[WHY]

This is good stuff my fellow LBS. 

Hold the line. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XYYnog5ekI

[beyondblessed]

This is good stuff my fellow LBS. 

Hold the line. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XYYnog5ekI

Boom!  Mic drop!

[WHY]

I think its shocking how close this is to describing MLC.  SHOCKING. 

At HS we're so focused on this theory of MLC, stages this, replay that, depression, what caused it and rationalizing what's going, giving us "hope" for the future.  But when you cut through it, and you understand genuine narcissistic behavior, so much makes sense.  So much.  And the reality and the outcomes are not pretty. 

I think it's also helpful to understand that most dont "do the work" and revert out of this.  Sure there may be a simmering down over the years, an awakening of sorts, but true remorse and making amends rarely happens.  Let alone reconciliation.... 

I cant pretend to fully understand what caused this personality shift.  But what I know without a doubt is that MLCers become full blown narcissists.  As a coping mechanism?  Who knows.  Bottom line is that their behavior is pure narcissism (this is a crisis of self confidence & self esteem after all).  And this behavior will destroy the LBS if they let it.

I wish I had known this from the beginning.  All I was doing was being a supply to fill my MLCers addiction to address the void inside her.  Actions that seemed horrific and so personal/hurtful, we're actually just a source of supply to a mentally broken person who doesnt care about anything else than getting that supply.  An addiction of sorts.  And it will never stop until rock bottom, which may or may not come. 

MLCers will keep chasing this supply, limerance, excessive spending, substance abuse, the list goes on.  It's all the same supply.  And guess what.  So is the LBS....  How many stories have we heard about "the awakening" happening after the LBS moves on or finds someone else?  It's not about the LBS or some love that got away.  It's the lack of supply that finally allows them to hit rock bottom.  Supply is the fuel that allows them to fly around in lala land.  And I'd argue the LBS is a much bigger source of supply than most of us realize.  We're enabling it.     

I hope this helps others.  While the MLCer is in this full blown narcissistic phase, I suggest getting completely out the way, leaving, and starting a new life.  There is just no room for you to remain in their orbit as their supply because it will destroy you.  And enables them.  Maybe some can do it and remain strong.  I think for most, just get out the way and protect yourself, and stop enabling their supply.  Honestly, if you care about reconciliation, getting out of the way will limit the damage done, making reconciliation more likely IMO.  I just see no good outcomes as being a source of the MLCers unlimited supply. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzFp98CNZUI

[forthetrees]

I watched the narcissist one and then this one on avoidants: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHBAtKV971U

That one will put the LBS in a different state of looking at the MLCer.

[WHY]

While some mlcers display avoidant behavior (ie the vanishers), we also have clingers and everything in between.

Hence I believe the avoidance/vanishers again can be explained by this addition to narcissistic supply. 

And that supply is different for each MLCer.  Some LBS may serve as a source of supply.  While others may be a negative drain on supply (not because of the LBS, but because of the way the MLCers feels with the LBS).

We keep seeing this saying “trying to taste green using your elbow” or something haha. 

Will I’m saying there is a way to decipher their behavior.  Look at their addiction to narcissistic supply.  There are answers in there.   

[MadLuv]

It really is! Whether covert or overt. My XH is a severe avoidant, but it is blantanly obvious that he is a covert narcissist also.  I think those traits were there just jot prevalent before pressure and loss fueled a need to escape due to the bad coping skills. We LBS dont know all this and we are in our own tornado of WHAT IS HAPPENING !!!

I also can see that my XH carefully chose who he could manipulate  next and it may be costing him a lot of money, but she is fully convinced he is her knight. Whats great about this forum is that we share our stories and our investigative work on trying to heal ourselves which  hopefully does give newbies on the journey a lot more information quicker to get through it all. One thing we will never change is that you still have to go through it to get to the other side.