[Biscuit]

Previous Thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=12045


New thread time for me. UM or another mod can you either remind me how to link threads, or if you're feeling extra generous possibly do it for me!

My potted LBS story thus far:

Feb 2022 - I get the speech - the usual crapola that we've all heard - and a few extras for good measure.

May 2022 - I move out of the family home (lots of manipulation to get me out - I honestly believe at this time that I'm the worst man to walk the planet and I've been an awful spouse)

Sometime between May and August 2022 (or maybe earlier) there's an OM - I find out in August - it destroys me. But also around this time I find out about MLC - Mrs B ticks all the boxes and ticks some that I haven't even read about

August 2022 - Christmas 2022 - W continues her double life - but a few friends find out about OM and are introduced to him - I know nothing about him but much later W's best mate describes him as a f&^king bellend (I think bellend is my favourite ever put down so I was somewhat amused by this at the time)

Jan 2023 - W announces to me that she wants to tell kids about OM - I think it's an awful idea as he's waaay younger than her and the kids are still reeling from the seperation. Obviously W tells them anyway.

April 2023 - OM is introduced to the kids after W has promised in mediation that she wouldn't do so without my knowledge and a family sit down. Later that month I complete the London Marathon - probably my proudest moment aside from becoming a father.

May or June 2023 - OM disappears never to be mentioned again

July 2023 - W begins trying to reconnect - sporadically - with occasional monster when she doesn't get her way

July 2023 -Now - 14 months of reconnection - we see each other often, sometimes daily - speak every day on the phone - send texts as often as we did when we were together (sometimes this can be 50 - 100 texts or even more per day) . No talk of any commitment - aside from about the kids or finances (W has not burned her way through our savings or even spent much money in the last year).
The kids spend about half the time with each of us and we also spend more and more time together as a family unit. We attend kids functions, family events, some friends events and football matches together as a family. W is still a little secretive / private about her time spent away from the rest of us - but she mostly stays in or meets up with mutual friends. I don't think there is any OM business going on - but I don't snoop so wouldn't know.
All of our financial decisions are made together and by mutual consent- we effectively are a family unit living between 2 homes. We help each other out with all sorts of things as we own 2 businesses together, I run one and W runs the other. W still hasn't told anyone at her company that we are seperated but I'm sure they would be somewhat suspicious as I haven't attended any of her work events for 2 1/2 years - but maybe she just says I'm home with the kids.
The kids are doing pretty well. I think I protected them from the worst of the madness of early replay, although I did make excuses for W that I should probably have let her take a bit of ownership of. They are 12 and 18 now and seem to enjoy family times, and I know they enjoy time with W and with me separately too.
We have 2 family cats who live where I am, W rarely sees them, I know she found it very hard when they came to live with me almost 2 years ago - but at that time she was barely at home and was relying on MIL to look after them. The family time we all spend together is generally out of the house or at the house where W stays - I think she finds it hard to come here and see the cats and then has to say goodbye, so she avoids it. I have offered for them to stay with her a few times but she hasn't been keen on that as they are settled and happy here. 
I'm doing pretty good, all things considered. I feel pretty lucky to have navigated this sh*&e storm as well as I have and still have my sanity, a home and some money in the bank. My work is going brilliantly, in fact it;s never been better. I'd say I'm thriving.
I still miss family life, companionship, and the support that a spousal relationship should bring. I still hope that maybe one day I'll have that again with W - but nowadays I'm not counting on it as my only way forward.
I have zero interest in dating anyone other than W - I still consider myself married (although weirdly unlike most on here me and W never actually tied the knot so I'm not actually married at all). I am lucky enough to have many female friends who are either married or gay, who really enjoy my company - so I have no lack of women to hang out with or socialise with, I'm never short of someone to take to an industry party or event.

Well, here it is - my fourth thread - I wonder where I'll be at the end of this one!!

[UrsaMajor]

Following along.....

[xyzcf]

Hello Biscuit,

There are not too many people who have this type of relationship with their spouse that you do, and it isn't particularly easy but it can be done. Even as we wish for more.

I also have, at times , quite regular communication with my husband and we do family things together...take vacations and enjoy the holidays with our daughter. Lately, he has been confiding more to me and I actually received an apology this week for something that happened recently...the first time he has apologized for anything (nothing related to blowing up our marriage but significant to me in other ways).

You can see the movement in her, things are not as they were a year ago. Your kids are benefitting from the family time and I think, the respect that your show their mother even though the way she is living her life is not as it should have been...you have accepted this and this is helpful to your kids as they don't have to feel like they are choosing between parents.

So thank you Biscuit for sharing the way things are going in your family and with your wife.

I have zero interest in dating anyone other than W - I still consider myself married (although weirdly unlike most on here me and W never actually tied the knot so I'm not actually married at all)

Married or not married, the love and ties that you shared with her are, I think no different.  I don't deny, to myself and to a few friends, the feelings I have, the love I have for my husband. Although lonely, another person cannot fill that void for me. I try and fill my life with good things and create a life where I do not need another person in that way.....not ruling it out completely...but certainly ok without another partner in my life.

Keep us updated!

[Biscuit]

Thanks UM for the link, following along and the slap on the wrist for go way over 150 posts - naughty Biscuit.

Thanks too XY. As you know we align on much of our attitudes towards our wayward spouses and your support and encouragement is always very welcome. You've been at this a lot longer than me, and I admire your stand greatly. At my last IC session I asked my therapist if, given all he knew about mine and W's journey, that he thought my continuing support of W made me a fool. He said he thought it was actually quite beautiful and pure....

I'll continue to post as I, W, the kids and the cats continue our journey - hopefully someone will find it of some use!

This weekend I'll be on my own as S is going to see his GF in her new student digs and D and W are off to stay at W's BF house for the weekend. I have plans for a nice long run tomorrow daytime. Saturday night I'm going to a club (on my own!) as there's a very special DJ set happening - I'm sure to bump into friends there. On Sunday there's a big work event so I'll go and have fun with my team and the other teams on my current project.
Next week we are packing up our current office and moving to a new location right in the centre of Soho for a few months. That will be really good I think, it's been a few years since I was based out of Soho (the London one - I haven't worked in the New York one for almost 20 years). It's much changed from the seedy days of old - but still has it's charm and a few places that maintain some of it's less salubrious history. Plus, I'll be right in the centre of London for the lead up to Christmas, which makes for good festive shopping and meeting friends for visits to the cinema and the pub - brilliant!

[Baxter1]

I am happy for you and this great update. Having the family together is a good thing. Also well done protecting them from the replay antics. I have found that with mom out in lala land it gave me and the kids to get closer

[Biscuit]

Thanks Baxter!!

Things do get a little easier with some space. It’s incredibly hard at the beginning of that process to have the sort of lens you have on it a few months or years down the line though.

[FaithWalker]

I was just in London visiting and loved it.  One of the things we did was a pub tour around the Theatre District and St. Giles

[Biscuit]

FW,

That sounds fun. London is a really great place to visit (and live!), so much to do and see.

Hope you enjoyed it?

B

[FaithWalker]

I loved it.  We had a great time, I love the ease of riding the trains and not having to drive everywhere lol, the flower shops on just about every corner, looking up and seeing windows flung open and fresh flowers in the windows, people hanging out at the parks and open spaces.  Even the rain wasn't bad.  Drizzly yes, but not a downpour soak you to your skin like I would get if I go outside in the rain here.   

[Biscuit]

FW

Yes, it's great using public transport in London - many of my friends and colleagues don't have cars - or even bothered learning to drive - it's not really needed in London.

In other news myself and W went for lunch together (as in with no children or friends) today. This was the first time we have done so since Feb 2022 - 4 days before BD. It was really pleasant, we ate some lovely food and chatted about the kids recent achievements and challenges, spoke about some investments which are about to mature and other less interesting stuff. And spoke a little about what each of us has been up to - as well as a little gossip.
Really nice time - hope it happens again sometime.

[FaithWalker]

Sounds like you guys had a good outing.

[Biscuit]

Yes it was FW, really nice to spend some time just with W and felt very easy and natural.

I've had a good week, it's a big week in the calendar this week for my industry in London, and there's been a load of fun stuff to go to and people to meet up with, old and new.
I had a good one to go to last night, and I took the head of production from my company along for the ride. She's an amazing woman, we've been friends for years and worked together for maybe 8 years now. She's totally my right hand woman, very much the ying to my yang work wise. I'm creative, impulsive, disorganised  and forgetful, and she's the opposite (apart from the creative bit)! We make a really good team. She hadn't been out for over a year as she has a 1 year old daughter - so she was delighted to be out and making adult conversation. We met a lot of new, fun people and had a lot of laughs. I overheard her at one point talking to someone and being incredibly complimentary about me and saying how I was a breath of fresh air in an industry traditionally dominated by misogynism. That made my night! It was incredibly telling that the girl she was speaking to said, "has he never tried it on with you? All the guys I've worked with have, at some point, tried to get me to sleep with them" Hmm, I dunno, is that how all women feel about the men they work with? I hope not.

I was chatting to W about a future work event a couple of days ago and she seemed quite interested. Today I got an invite with a plus one. I asked W if she'd like to go and she declined and said she was busy with D12 that day and I should maybe ask S18. This is progress - a few months ago she would've had a little bit of a monster and said that she obviously doesn't want to go with me and why would I ask her as it makes her feel uncomfortable (and then probably been annoyed that I didn't mention it). This time round she answered like I'd expect anyone to if asked to an event they either couldn't or didn't want to attend - "Thanks for the kind offer, but I can't make it that day, but why not take x, y or z instead as they'd love it".... That's more like it W - an adult response to a question that I based on an earlier conversation. So much easier!!

[Biscuit]

So a couple of weeks since I've last posted and not much has really happened in Biscuit World.
Last weekend I was hit with an awful cold / flu virus which had me laid up for the a whole 3 days. I don't sit still easily, so it must've been bad as I didn't get out of bed for 3 days! W took on all the childcare so I could rest even though it was her weekend without kids. (She often refers to this as her weekend off - or my weekend off - which I must say infuriates me - who has kids expecting it to be a part time gig! - MLCer's clearly lol). Anyway, I was most appreciative of this act of kindness on her part. As I walked past her favourite shop in London on the way home from work the other day I popped in and picked her something up to say thanks. Nothing big, just a token really.... well that didn't go down well. Despite loving the gift and saying thank you, apparently it made her feel uncomfortable. That's fine, it's kind of a boundary of hers  I suppose - we can be kind to each other but not show it explicitly with gifts? I dunno - I didn't read too much into it - but I'll save my money next time!
I spoke to my sister tonight, we've not really had a good chat since S18's birthday party a month ago. It was good to have a catch up - I'll probably meet up with her over the weekend too. She used to be pretty close with my W, but they hardly see each other since BD. My sister is a highly trained special needs expert - working in the field of education. She hasn't seen W for months but asked, with genuine concern, if W was either self medicating or on prescription drugs at the party. She said she appeared somewhat manic but also kind of detached from what was going on. I hadn't picked up on this at the time - but my sister is really in tune with this type of thing. My family know some of what happened after BD, in fact most of it, but have continued to show kindness towards my W - which I'm thankful for. They realise how important family is to me, and have tried to be as understanding and forgiving as they can, which can't be easy given the sh$te W put me through a couple of years back.

Work has continued to be going great. The work I'm doing on my current project is quite a challenge, mainly due to the volume and turn around. I'm working with a long time collaborator / client - I've worked on every one of his projects for the last 10 years or so. He paid me a massive compliment today and said despite the challenges of this project he felt it was by far the best work we'd produced together  - which made my day!

Yesterday I took a day off work and me and my BF took her kids and D12 for a day out in town. We did a gallery, a meal and some shopping with the kids. It was really lovely. I love hanging out with BF and her kids - I never get bored of her company. She's good friends with W too - but aside from asking once how W was we didn't speak at all about any of that stuff. It was just the perfect day out, food, art, laughter, a bit more food and some shopping.  Oh and then a bit more food.

I'm going to have a very quiet weekend this weekend, the illness last week and the workload have taken it out of me - so I'm going to stay in and have a bit of a clear out and a tidy up. On Sunday I'm taking S18 to a very special event I got invited to through work - which I know he's going to love. I'm really excited to see his reaction to what we're going to - I hope he realises how lucky he is!!

B x

[Biscuit]

So I'm still plodding along and things continue on much the same path with W and I.
She's taken a lot more responsibility as regards the kids in the last few weeks as I have been working ridiculously hard finishing a project. During that time though S18 has decided he wants to stay with me for a few weeks or months, no reason given really but it's lovely to have hime here all the time. He was with W for the last couple of months, but I saw him often. He has told both W and me that he hates moving between houses as it's unsettling, but W has never really got that and thinks that we can just shuttlie the kids between us and they should get used to it. Well, neither has really, but S18 is an adult now so can legally go where he wants.
I get invited to spend time with W at the family home more and more in the last few weeks, usually at the last minute, kind of, "oh Biscuit, I've cooked, would you like to join us for dinner.". A few times though W has texted  me to join her and got us both some food. She's slowly showing signs of returning to the person she was, but then can switch back to the selfish MLC W in a matter of seconds.
Her use of the words us and we versus me and I are fascinating. If it's a responsibility that could possibly be shared then it's we all day long - we need to fix this, we need to pay for that, we need to sort out a form for D's school etc. This is sometimes carried onto to describing other things, so on some days she lives in our house, but other days she lives in her house. Just today I was on the phone to her about picking up some medicine for S18 and I mentioned that it was Sunday, so the pharmacy at the end of the road would be shut. W says, "what? the pharmacy at the end of MY road?" - Yes W , that one, because there's not a pharmacy at the end of the road where I'm staying - and that's what we always called it. This attitude always seems to be exasperated when her mum is around for some reason. On D13's birthday a few weeks ago I was clearing some stuff away in the kitchen and MIL jumps in and physically gets in my way to try and stop me from helping out.... like she's defending W's territory and I'm an unwelcome guest. Well I just carried on, it's not her house and if W doesn't want me to help then she can tell me herself.  On the last couple of family events in recent weeks MIL has also got so drunk that she can no longer hold a conversation. I'm considering bringing this up with W this week as I don't particularly want the kids around MIL when she's in that kind of state, and also because I'm worried that it's getting so out of control that MIL might be doing herself some serious harm.

[Baxter1]

B-

I love this update, when she invited you over it’s never a bad thing. As for MIL I too would be upset if she didn’t get out the way while I was doing something…I think Ludacris has as song about this. Good luck on your continued journey!

[Treasur]

I can see how that We/Me shift might be a bit confusing to interact with. Out of interest, what are your We and Me areas?

I ask bc of this
“I'm considering bringing this up with W this week as I don't particularly want the kids around MIL when she's in that kind of state, and also because I'm worried that it's getting so out of control that MIL might be doing herself some serious harm.”

Do you see this as a We problem or a Me problem? Bc imho how you see it leads you down a different kind of path and different boundaries perhaps. With the big caveat of course that neither you or your wife (ex wife?) are responsible for or can control how much your MiL chooses to drink or how she behaves when she drinks a lot. What’s the core of your concern really about? How do you deal with other people you might know who drink too much or behave inappropriately either with you or in front of your kids? Why does it matter to you? Is it something new or part of a longer or wider pattern with MiL? What evidence do you have that your wife, or indeed your kids, or even your MiL, see it as an issue?

Fwiw I’d suggest musing on this a bit before you decide what, if anything, to raise as a discussion. Family interventions and boundaries with this kind of stuff can be and get messy, can’t they? More so perhaps when the boundary lines around the shape of ‘family’ are less sharply delineated than they once were, when roles and connecting lines have changed.

So, as an example, I can see that she is the mother of the mother of your children, and your children’s grandmother, but is she factually and still your MiL? What does how you see her affect your sense of involvement or responsibility or obligation? And does she see the relationship connection in the same way you do? Does she see you as her SiL or something else? It’s why sometimes what we call something affects how we see and behave. Does your wife/ex see it the same way or differently? A lot of lines change when a spouse/partner changes them and most LBS find that the big stone of BD and separation has ripples beyond the marital relationship - and it can take a while for everyone to work out what the new lines are perhaps.

Bc imho the more clear you can be in your own mind about what the issue really is at heart for you, and the existing boundary lines, yours and others, the easier it will probably be to figure out what you want to do about it. And if it’s a We or a Me thing. Jmo.

[Biscuit]

These are really good points @Treasur, I'm going to give them some thought in the coming days!

[Flummoxed]

Ludacris 😂 Indeed, a fitting song. I was going to say yikes about MIL, but you handled it beautifully in the moment. I agree with Baxter1- it’s fantastic to hear you’re receiving invitations to spend time. The flipping between “we” and “me” sounds a bit frustrating to say the least but also quite fitting for where she’s at, I suppose. MLC- always keeping one on one’s toes.

Slowly but surely- thank you so much for sharing this update!

[KayDee]

Re the MiL situation. Something I have taken from engaging in this forum and tried to take to heart daily, is to not take things personally. This is not always easy, but so often, the things I get upset or agitated about are not, on reflection, directly personal. And it seems from what you wrote that there is obviously something going on with MiL, the drinking too much is the biggest signifier and then the fact that she got prickly with you, when you previously had a good relationship (I think?). Maybe you can broach the subject less confrontationally, ask your W if everything is OK with MiL. Open up a conversation about someone you care about.

Just a thought - I am either a great diplomat or a kitty-footer - not sure which at times 

[forthetrees]

kitty-footer needs a translation/explanation for those of us on this side of the pond

[KayDee]

It's needs translating this side of the pond  was supposed to be puss-cee-footer (written phonetically to get around the Purity Bot) - it just means sort of soft padding around difficult or fragile things. You know, like a cat on a shelf full of ornamental china 

[UrsaMajor]

Yeah.... like this?   

[KayDee]

That's the kitty!

[Biscuit]

Merry Christmas to all on HS!!

I've had a wonderful Christmas with W, kids and MIL - plus my parents and my sister's family for part of the festive period.

The only downside is that yesterday on Christmas eve and today on Christmas Day, I've had to leave the family home to come back to the other house we own and sleep here without kids or anyone else.

W, kids and I have eaten festive food, been to a panto, and watched Christmas movies on TV together - it all feels so effortless for me - but there are times that I can see W is struggling with having the family together and has to make an excuse to go and do something.

All in all though, a very successful few days spent together - and we'll maybe have a few more in the coming week or so. W and the kids bought me lots of nice, and unexpected presents.

Tonight, on Christmas Day, we spent a couple of hours at a neighbours house, which was great fun. I'm not sure what W has told the neighbours about our situation but I'm always welcomed like I've never left - which contrasts to the reception I'm given at our mutual friends houses that I visit from time to time.

Best wishes for the Christmas period and for 2025 all of you.

B xx

[Baxter1]

Best wishes Biscuit!

We had a lovely Christmas as well. We had the in laws over and it was like old times. If you didn’t know what was going on you would think we were a great couple. It’s so bizarre but this whole thing is bizarre!

I’m glad you had great times together with your family.

[Flummoxed]

Such a beautiful update, Biscuit! So glad to hear you had a lovely Christmas holiday. I hope you have a wonderful start to the new year as well!

[Biscuit]

Thanks Baxter and Flummoxed,

So NY was great - me and D13 went on a little mini break to Spain to see relatives, S18 was seeing his GF so didn't want to come along. It was lovely, D and I had a great time and it helped that the 2 of us just spent loads of time together there - we had a lot of laughs, and went shopping and eating lovely food - fantastic.

I've not got much work on in January, so I'm spending some time getting some jobs done that I've been putting off for months. Some I can do myself or with my friend - but a couple need a handyman or builder. Knowing I'd need to get a contractor in I asked W what needs doing around at the house that she's at (which I also still own half of) and suggested we just get one guy in who can do all the work at both properties. Obviously that's easy for her as she doesn't need to find any one herself.
Here's the funny part though. I made the list of jobs as a GoogleDoc and shared it with W - along with a note telling her to add anything I'd missed and to let me know if that all seemed ok. I didn't hear back for a couple of days, so the next time I saw her, I mentioned it and asked if she got the googledoc ok and was it ok to proceed with the stuff that needed fixing at W's house. Her reply made me do an eyeroll (which she didn't see) and had me laughing out loud when I left the house. She said, "What I'm looking for Biscuit is for you to take control of the situation - you just get it all done - that's fine." Which is the bit that I found ironic - only a year ago I was told I was a control freak, who tries to control everything in her life - and that's why she couldn't be with me....now she WANTS me to take control of something. Ha ha ha, really made me chuckle. I got a couple of prices and dates in pace for work and sent them through to her at the end of last week, to which she just said, "Brilliant, thank you".... you really couldn't make this stuff up could you?

[MadLuv]

Chalk that up to having to find something to be annoyed about for justification, right? Really, alot of those are things they truly admire. You really can’t make it up

[Biscuit]

I think you're right Madluv, I saw W tonight and she was really impressed with how many projects I was handling across the 2 homes. Obviously there were a couple of criticisms (very mild ones!), but I think she just trusts me to get them done, and probably always has, but just needed to blame me for something, anything, at BD.
Anyway, for now W and I are working as a team, just as we did when we were living together. Her strengths are organising money, remembering what's coming up in the future (and reminding me) remembering to pay for stuff and generally organising and administering our lives, but she hates calling or emailing anyone she doesn't already know, like builders, suppliers etc so I'm doing that stuff - which is what I'm good at. It does seem like we're in a really good place at the moment, but I'm not complacent enough to think it will carry on like this, or to think that this is leading to anything more than where we are right now. And to be honest, where we are right now is so much better than a year ago or so.

In the evenings when both kids are with W I've been relaxing by getting into painting, which I think I might have journalled about before. W and the kids bought me an easel for Christmas and I'm really enjoying winding down every night by painting, something I haven't done for probably 30 years at least. Anyway, it's a great release, the paintings aren't particularly good, but the whole experience is really beneficial to me, I can spend hours sketching and painting and it takes my mind far away from all the other stressors in my life.

The kids are doing well, W has been really keen to get them both into some sort of therapy recently, maybe she realises that they haven't gone through the last 3 years totally unscathed, who knows? They are both responding well to chatting to an outside professional, hopefully we can limit the damage by getting them to open up to someone and telling them how they feel.

All things are pretty positive right now, let's hope they continue in the same way!

[Baxter1]

B-

I love these updates! I love how you and W have a good relationship, everyone gets along and you co-parent so well. I’m hoping to get to this point some day in the future.

[Biscuit]

Happy Easter HS folks!!

Not a grest deal to report really.... I continue on my journey much the same as since I last posted. Work is absolutely ON FIRE! I'm very very busy working on a dream project and it's going pretty well - it keeps me busy, in touch with my team the whole day and brings me a lot of joy. It's so much fun that if I haven't got parental responsibilities in the evenings, I just carry on working. My job is pretty much what I'd do for a hobby if it wasn't my job, so I'm happy to just work into the night sometimes - I absolutely love it. This new project has brought about a renewed enthusiasm in my work that I've not had since BD, and I'm sure everyone around me can feel it... I'm just constantly buzzing about it!

I had suggested  the other night over text to W that we spend Easter Sunday together and go for a roast with the kids. She replied the next day - "thanks for the invite but you go with the kids". OK, I thought, that's fine by me, at least she was polite and gracious in replying (that's a change from a year ago when such invites were either greeted with - yes please, no thanks, or thats not approriate to ask me!    Literally 5 minutes later she sent another text saying on second thoughts she would like to get together on Easter Sunday.... then another one saying maybe... Ha ha - the indecision!   Anyway, I'm pretty sure she is coming to it now.
Tonight I dropped D13 at a mates house and then just came home and did some washing and then was relaxing with the cats on the sofa. The phone rings and it's W... "Hi Biscuit, I know you're on your own tonight as D is out, would you like to come over for dinner with me, S18 and MIL, I thought you might want to hang out for a few hours with us?"   Whaaatttt? This never happens, I sometimes hang around when we drop the kids off with each other - but this was different. She actually thought about me sitting in on my own for the evening and invited me over, nice one!   So I went for dinner and took little Easter gifts for S18 and W with me (chocolate with little hand painted cards for them both). Well, she's actually got me something for Easter too - again, a really nice surprise. Lovely dinner with them all too - definite progress there with the thoughtfulness.

Just recently she's opened up a little about feeling "foggy" and how she feels like perimenopause has affected her thinking - again progress.

Very very slow progress, but progress all the same - and I'm doing great regardless!

B

[Helpnewc]

This is wonderful to read Biscuit.

Everyone’s journey is different. My wife will no longer come to the door of the house or come outside her house when I drop the kids off.

I continue to hope for improvement in our interactions but I realised there is nothing I can do.

Our litigation about the kids is also obviously unhelpful.

It is a joy to read of your family being together.

[xyzcf]

Happy Easter Biscuit!

So happy to hear how excited you are with your work! We truly do have a life outside of our marriages and MLC and you are a shining example of accepting your wife for who she is at the moment and enjoying life as it is at the moment...this moment is all we really have and it's important to find the "joy" in our days as well as acknowledge the difficulties.

Lovely dinner with them all too

I am so happy that you share your story here. As all of our stories are different, there really can be room for them in our lives..if we are open to them. That doesn't work for everyone, I know...but it's nice to read how things are going for those, who like me, continue to have a relationship with their spouse.

Some will call it gaslighting or cake eating or that somehow we cannot build a life if they are still involved with us. But others here have shown that there are ways to "connect"...... and still explore and develop in our own lives.

We go away as a family, spend holidays together, have times when the two of us have dinner, or sit and watch the Master's or I have taken care of him when he's had surgery...I have no expectations for our future but there are lots of text messages and contact because I have allowed that to be so. My decision, my choices and what seems to have worked best for us as a family.

Life is passing by so very quickly, the world has changed drastically in just a matter of a few weeks...nothing is for
sure" anymore.

Enjoy your Easter with your family and embrace all the blessings that you do have in your life.

[Biscuit]

Thanks for reading along Help and XY,

I think you hit the nail on the head XY, I'm continuing to explore and have my own life whilst still leaving the door open to interaction with my W. It doesn't feel like cake eating at all, I'd shut it off if I thought she was taking the p1$$. We're giving each other space and continuing our own lives whilst also enjoying time together as a family. We don't ask each other anything really, aside from regarding the kids or finances, but slowly, slowly each of us feel more comfortable with sharing what is going on in our personal lives outside of family stuff. I don't think there is another OM in the picture, but I'd probably reconsider our interactions, and standing if there was. But for now it's all progress. W and I spent almost 2 decades as a loving and very close couple, she's been a great mother to our kids too, aside from a year or so after BD, so I think I'm indebted to her to hang on a while and support her through a difficult time in her life.
Sample of one obviously!

B x

[xyzcf]

W and I spent almost 2 decades as a loving and very close couple,

I almost wrote something similar earlier in response to your post...we spent 35 years together and the memories of what was are still there, and they make me smile.

There also doesn't seem to be someone else in his life, at least not a serious relationship...I too don't ask much about his life.

Yet, I am comfortable when we are together...it's  surreal how comfortable it is.

It has been a very long time..over 15 years...we have both changed. There is still love ...just a different type of love...there is no doubt that he trusts me, probably more than anyone else.......

I am at peace and feel calm....I also though am lonely and miss having a partner to share my life with...but at my age, more and more of my women friends are becoming widowed and so I am not the only person in the world who is alone...

Sample of one as you said!

[Biscuit]

Thanks XY,

Yes, I think my W trusts me more than anyone else in her life  too (not reciprocal yet though, given the nonsense that went on around BD!). She did come to the Easter pub roast - we spent more than 3 hours having a lovely meal, laughing, joking, talking about films and playing cards - and had a lovely meal and a bottle of wine together.
That will probably be that for a while now - she generally takes a big step back after weekends when we spend loads of time together. That's what happened at Christmas - but let's see if there's a different response this time?
Anyway, happy easter - I'm off to eat some chocolate.

[Baxter1]

B-

Posts like this are what keep me going! I know no one has a crystal ball but I think giving space and making your own life is the way to go.  I’m so happy that your project is going well. I also love my job(electrician here) doing something you enjoy and getting paid for it? Win Win

Also I love that you are supporting her during this time. I agree with you, after all these years of a loving relationship I think it’s worth holding on for a bit.

Enjoy your chocolate and your day . 🍫

[Biscuit]

Hi all on HS,

Not much to report in the last month or so really. We continue on our lives pretty much as we have in the last couple of years. We get a little closer and then there's a bit of a recoil from W.  Then a couple of days later it's business as normal!
Today was D13's sports day at school - I arrived a little later than most parents due to a work commitment, but it was a fun afternoon. Sat with W and some of our mutual friends for the last few events, but I missed D in any of hers (a couple of 2nd places for her so she was pleased!).
I got there in time for the parents race though which I lost - ha ha - but W videoed it and sent it to me later and said nice one for even trying. I think D was hoping I'd win it as I run a bit - but 100m is very different to 13 or 26 miles pace wise! I'd happily have gone toe to toe with the other dads over distance and seen them drop off at mile 3 whilst I happily got to 15 or so!
Speaking of running I did a half marathon a couple of weeks ago - I said I'd do it for a mates charity -  but in the run up to it I got bombarded with a ton of work. I literally didn't have a day off work in May, apart from the Sunday of the run. Anyway, I completed it and raised about £1000 for a great kids charity in East London. My entire training schedule consisted of one 3 mile run and one 7 mile run in the week leading up, so my time was awful (sorry Watcher!!) but I raised the money, had a great day out and had a great bonus of getting a load of new running gear thanks to nike who back the charity I was running for, which was very much appreciated. Sometimes doing a good deed does lead to an unexpected and instant positive!
I continue my LBS journey full of gratitude for the positives in life, I have the very odd off day, but I let myself be upset, I don't hide it from anyone. The stock answer when anyone from the UK says to their friend - "Alright?" is "I'm alright yeah, you alright?" . But if I'm not alright I'l just say, "I'm having a bad one tbh but it's ok to somedays feel like that isn't it?"  I don't hide or avoid my emotions at all. Which I think is good for me.

Anyway, things aren't bad in Biscuit land, work is unbelievably good, the kids are ok and things are just chugging along between me and W, we talk everyday still, text loads and have a laugh when we're together. I'd have bitten your hand off for that just after BD.

Oh, I almost forgot! The football team we all support, Tottenham Hotspur, won the Europa league!! First European trophy in 40 years! I watched the game on massive TV's at our home ground with W and the kids (and about 50,000 other Spurs fans). It was amazing, we had the best night - me and the kids joined in a pitch invasion at the end whilst W videoed our shennaigans. We continued the celebrations into the weekend with me and S18 going to a parade of the cup and then all 4 of us going to the last home game of the season and celebrating again. Just brilliant - and I was really happy for the kids to experience the win with both their parents - as I had done 40 years ago with my mum and dad - a memory that is such a happy one for me.

B x

[MadLuv]

Such a lovely update,Biscuit . I’m hoping for that next year. I love your honesty on the basic how are you’s. I was just talking to a friend the other day about after my daughter died and having that simple question asked at even the grocery check out and once tired of saying I was fine I said, You don’t want to know . Luckily I got a nice clerk that said, I understand. I hope it gets better. That I was able to say Thank you  😊

[Biscuit]

Happy 4th of July to those across the pond - hope you're having a good one!

Not much to report but just back from a really lovely night out with W and D13 and S18 and his girlfriend (who is great and a very positive person for S18 to be with).
It was kind of an awards ceremony for the performing arts school our kids attend at weekends. The organisation is fantastic, they teach the kids to act, sing and dance - but it's so much more than that. It's difficult to grow up anywhere these days, but these guys are just everything I love about London, inclusive, loving, non judgemental - the kids can just be themselves - the confidence they gain from performing in front of their peers is just incredible. Anyway, it was a great evening. We all enjoyed it a great deal. The kids were off dancing at the end and W and I had a chance to share a glass of wine, have a laugh and marvel at what talented kids we have. We even had a little sit down dance together at the end. Lots of smiles and good family time together.
These type of interactions are pretty much effortless for me now, although I could feel W getting tired by the end of the evening.

Tomorrow we've got D13's school fete to go to - probably together as a family again - which should be fun.
Anyway - almost exactly 2 years to the week into reconnection now and still on an upwards trajectory. Still hopeful, but not to the detriment of me enjoying my life.

B

[Biscuit]

The school fete today was really good too.
We hung out as a family again with our friends that are parents at d13’s school for a few hours then I brought MIL home and went out for a friends birthday.
Again, effortless really.
I’m not sure if should bring up with W where this is going or just leave that conversation for another time as I don’t want to jinx what has been great progress recently

[Helpnewc]

Biscuit,

I am nowhere near where you are so I can’t help. My wife is still stuck in limerance and thinking I am the devil.

My gut would be to keep building and let her raise it with you.

Help

[UrsaMajor]

I’m not sure if should bring up with W where this is going or just leave that conversation for another time as I don’t want to jinx what has been great progress recently

You sure you wanna do that?

[Biscuit]

proper lolling at that UM

[KayDee]

It's hard to answer this without knowing more details B. Is there a 'mood music' that she wants more? From what you have written in the past, it seems like you have a friendly and warm relationship. I have that with my friends - male and female - and am not looking for mmore. I know it is different, as you have had a past relationship and have kids, but it may be that you are her safe zone because of this. In fact, I think you are her safe zone. But she is not yours at this time, and that involves some sacrifice from you. How long will you be able to do that? In your shoes, I would want to know the same. 

That's the difficulty of looking at things through an MLC lens I suppose - one way or another, we blame the depression. We hope they will come out of 'it'. Subconsciously, we may be waiting for something. I am not saying your W didn't have a major episode, but you can only really deal with what's in front of you now.  I know this is not a particularly helpful answer. I guess only you can decide if you wish to keep the ship steady and wait for something more definite from your W.

Hypothetically, how do you think she would react if you decided to date?

[Biscuit]

Thanks KD,

Yes, I think you have hit the nail on the head. I'm definitely her safety - she knows she can rely on me 100 percent in all aspects and I do not have that with her at all.
The mood is changing, very slowly, she is opening up more (but not talking about anything that happened when MLC whirlwind was in full flow).

I think, but obviously this is a guess, that she would be gutted if I decided to date. But you never know, she may feel relieved - or any other feeling. But my gut says she would be upset.

B