[FaithWalker]

Sounds like you guys had a good outing.

[Biscuit]

Yes it was FW, really nice to spend some time just with W and felt very easy and natural.

I've had a good week, it's a big week in the calendar this week for my industry in London, and there's been a load of fun stuff to go to and people to meet up with, old and new.
I had a good one to go to last night, and I took the head of production from my company along for the ride. She's an amazing woman, we've been friends for years and worked together for maybe 8 years now. She's totally my right hand woman, very much the ying to my yang work wise. I'm creative, impulsive, disorganised  and forgetful, and she's the opposite (apart from the creative bit)! We make a really good team. She hadn't been out for over a year as she has a 1 year old daughter - so she was delighted to be out and making adult conversation. We met a lot of new, fun people and had a lot of laughs. I overheard her at one point talking to someone and being incredibly complimentary about me and saying how I was a breath of fresh air in an industry traditionally dominated by misogynism. That made my night! It was incredibly telling that the girl she was speaking to said, "has he never tried it on with you? All the guys I've worked with have, at some point, tried to get me to sleep with them" Hmm, I dunno, is that how all women feel about the men they work with? I hope not.

I was chatting to W about a future work event a couple of days ago and she seemed quite interested. Today I got an invite with a plus one. I asked W if she'd like to go and she declined and said she was busy with D12 that day and I should maybe ask S18. This is progress - a few months ago she would've had a little bit of a monster and said that she obviously doesn't want to go with me and why would I ask her as it makes her feel uncomfortable (and then probably been annoyed that I didn't mention it). This time round she answered like I'd expect anyone to if asked to an event they either couldn't or didn't want to attend - "Thanks for the kind offer, but I can't make it that day, but why not take x, y or z instead as they'd love it".... That's more like it W - an adult response to a question that I based on an earlier conversation. So much easier!!

[Biscuit]

So a couple of weeks since I've last posted and not much has really happened in Biscuit World.
Last weekend I was hit with an awful cold / flu virus which had me laid up for the a whole 3 days. I don't sit still easily, so it must've been bad as I didn't get out of bed for 3 days! W took on all the childcare so I could rest even though it was her weekend without kids. (She often refers to this as her weekend off - or my weekend off - which I must say infuriates me - who has kids expecting it to be a part time gig! - MLCer's clearly lol). Anyway, I was most appreciative of this act of kindness on her part. As I walked past her favourite shop in London on the way home from work the other day I popped in and picked her something up to say thanks. Nothing big, just a token really.... well that didn't go down well. Despite loving the gift and saying thank you, apparently it made her feel uncomfortable. That's fine, it's kind of a boundary of hers  I suppose - we can be kind to each other but not show it explicitly with gifts? I dunno - I didn't read too much into it - but I'll save my money next time!
I spoke to my sister tonight, we've not really had a good chat since S18's birthday party a month ago. It was good to have a catch up - I'll probably meet up with her over the weekend too. She used to be pretty close with my W, but they hardly see each other since BD. My sister is a highly trained special needs expert - working in the field of education. She hasn't seen W for months but asked, with genuine concern, if W was either self medicating or on prescription drugs at the party. She said she appeared somewhat manic but also kind of detached from what was going on. I hadn't picked up on this at the time - but my sister is really in tune with this type of thing. My family know some of what happened after BD, in fact most of it, but have continued to show kindness towards my W - which I'm thankful for. They realise how important family is to me, and have tried to be as understanding and forgiving as they can, which can't be easy given the sh$te W put me through a couple of years back.

Work has continued to be going great. The work I'm doing on my current project is quite a challenge, mainly due to the volume and turn around. I'm working with a long time collaborator / client - I've worked on every one of his projects for the last 10 years or so. He paid me a massive compliment today and said despite the challenges of this project he felt it was by far the best work we'd produced together  - which made my day!

Yesterday I took a day off work and me and my BF took her kids and D12 for a day out in town. We did a gallery, a meal and some shopping with the kids. It was really lovely. I love hanging out with BF and her kids - I never get bored of her company. She's good friends with W too - but aside from asking once how W was we didn't speak at all about any of that stuff. It was just the perfect day out, food, art, laughter, a bit more food and some shopping.  Oh and then a bit more food.

I'm going to have a very quiet weekend this weekend, the illness last week and the workload have taken it out of me - so I'm going to stay in and have a bit of a clear out and a tidy up. On Sunday I'm taking S18 to a very special event I got invited to through work - which I know he's going to love. I'm really excited to see his reaction to what we're going to - I hope he realises how lucky he is!!

B x

[Biscuit]

So I'm still plodding along and things continue on much the same path with W and I.
She's taken a lot more responsibility as regards the kids in the last few weeks as I have been working ridiculously hard finishing a project. During that time though S18 has decided he wants to stay with me for a few weeks or months, no reason given really but it's lovely to have hime here all the time. He was with W for the last couple of months, but I saw him often. He has told both W and me that he hates moving between houses as it's unsettling, but W has never really got that and thinks that we can just shuttlie the kids between us and they should get used to it. Well, neither has really, but S18 is an adult now so can legally go where he wants.
I get invited to spend time with W at the family home more and more in the last few weeks, usually at the last minute, kind of, "oh Biscuit, I've cooked, would you like to join us for dinner.". A few times though W has texted  me to join her and got us both some food. She's slowly showing signs of returning to the person she was, but then can switch back to the selfish MLC W in a matter of seconds.
Her use of the words us and we versus me and I are fascinating. If it's a responsibility that could possibly be shared then it's we all day long - we need to fix this, we need to pay for that, we need to sort out a form for D's school etc. This is sometimes carried onto to describing other things, so on some days she lives in our house, but other days she lives in her house. Just today I was on the phone to her about picking up some medicine for S18 and I mentioned that it was Sunday, so the pharmacy at the end of the road would be shut. W says, "what? the pharmacy at the end of MY road?" - Yes W , that one, because there's not a pharmacy at the end of the road where I'm staying - and that's what we always called it. This attitude always seems to be exasperated when her mum is around for some reason. On D13's birthday a few weeks ago I was clearing some stuff away in the kitchen and MIL jumps in and physically gets in my way to try and stop me from helping out.... like she's defending W's territory and I'm an unwelcome guest. Well I just carried on, it's not her house and if W doesn't want me to help then she can tell me herself.  On the last couple of family events in recent weeks MIL has also got so drunk that she can no longer hold a conversation. I'm considering bringing this up with W this week as I don't particularly want the kids around MIL when she's in that kind of state, and also because I'm worried that it's getting so out of control that MIL might be doing herself some serious harm.

[Baxter1]

B-

I love this update, when she invited you over it’s never a bad thing. As for MIL I too would be upset if she didn’t get out the way while I was doing something…I think Ludacris has as song about this. Good luck on your continued journey!

[Treasur]

I can see how that We/Me shift might be a bit confusing to interact with. Out of interest, what are your We and Me areas?

I ask bc of this
“I'm considering bringing this up with W this week as I don't particularly want the kids around MIL when she's in that kind of state, and also because I'm worried that it's getting so out of control that MIL might be doing herself some serious harm.”

Do you see this as a We problem or a Me problem? Bc imho how you see it leads you down a different kind of path and different boundaries perhaps. With the big caveat of course that neither you or your wife (ex wife?) are responsible for or can control how much your MiL chooses to drink or how she behaves when she drinks a lot. What’s the core of your concern really about? How do you deal with other people you might know who drink too much or behave inappropriately either with you or in front of your kids? Why does it matter to you? Is it something new or part of a longer or wider pattern with MiL? What evidence do you have that your wife, or indeed your kids, or even your MiL, see it as an issue?

Fwiw I’d suggest musing on this a bit before you decide what, if anything, to raise as a discussion. Family interventions and boundaries with this kind of stuff can be and get messy, can’t they? More so perhaps when the boundary lines around the shape of ‘family’ are less sharply delineated than they once were, when roles and connecting lines have changed.

So, as an example, I can see that she is the mother of the mother of your children, and your children’s grandmother, but is she factually and still your MiL? What does how you see her affect your sense of involvement or responsibility or obligation? And does she see the relationship connection in the same way you do? Does she see you as her SiL or something else? It’s why sometimes what we call something affects how we see and behave. Does your wife/ex see it the same way or differently? A lot of lines change when a spouse/partner changes them and most LBS find that the big stone of BD and separation has ripples beyond the marital relationship - and it can take a while for everyone to work out what the new lines are perhaps.

Bc imho the more clear you can be in your own mind about what the issue really is at heart for you, and the existing boundary lines, yours and others, the easier it will probably be to figure out what you want to do about it. And if it’s a We or a Me thing. Jmo.

[Biscuit]

These are really good points @Treasur, I'm going to give them some thought in the coming days!

[Flummoxed]

Ludacris 😂 Indeed, a fitting song. I was going to say yikes about MIL, but you handled it beautifully in the moment. I agree with Baxter1- it’s fantastic to hear you’re receiving invitations to spend time. The flipping between “we” and “me” sounds a bit frustrating to say the least but also quite fitting for where she’s at, I suppose. MLC- always keeping one on one’s toes.

Slowly but surely- thank you so much for sharing this update!

[KayDee]

Re the MiL situation. Something I have taken from engaging in this forum and tried to take to heart daily, is to not take things personally. This is not always easy, but so often, the things I get upset or agitated about are not, on reflection, directly personal. And it seems from what you wrote that there is obviously something going on with MiL, the drinking too much is the biggest signifier and then the fact that she got prickly with you, when you previously had a good relationship (I think?). Maybe you can broach the subject less confrontationally, ask your W if everything is OK with MiL. Open up a conversation about someone you care about.

Just a thought - I am either a great diplomat or a kitty-footer - not sure which at times 

[forthetrees]

kitty-footer needs a translation/explanation for those of us on this side of the pond