Thank you for your comments about my journey, yes it was an unexpected one, I feel like little hobbit Bilbo but I hope I won't find an evil ring.
Now it is time for journaling as there are new things that happened last week end
W wants to take the children12 days ago W called at home. According to my new policy I gave the phone to S6, but at the end of the call he gave me back the device. And W actually wanted to speak with me : she said that she wanted to take S6 for the week-end in a monastery. I asked for details and W told me that D15 can not go and she did not want to tell me with whom they would go.
I then felt very uneasy with the request as this came a few days after the notification that the court hearing will be delayed due to the judge wanting to hear the children (my initiative). And I saw no reason for D15 to not participate to the monastery retreay.
I think W has understood that the daughters don't want to go with her in Switzerland. But I think she has not given up for S6 and she secretly expects to take "at least" him (her words one time that I won't forget).
So my mind imagined a child abduction. In Switzerland. Or worse, in Africa. Looks almost impossible, but not totally : maybe the risk is 5% or 1% ? I don't know, but the consequences would be terrible for me and the children, so I want to avoid this.
I sent a text to W saying that S6 has other activities scheduled this week-end that will not happen again soon, and that she can book the retreay another weekend also together with D15 and D17. I feel that D15 and D17 won't be easy to be travelled by force in a far country so I prefer in the future that W
takes all the children together.
I got a monster in text back (expected) so I answered with "I am sorry you feel that way" and "you are always welcome to participate to activities with the children"
Then came the week-end. I had no information about W coming, so the children and I were surprised to see her arriving on Satturday morning. In the morning W came with us to the activity. S6 was always close to me, giving me his hand , chatting and joyous, and W silent 3-5 meters away from us. No comment
.
In the afternoon W took D15 and S6 for her usual activity with them : a trip to the shopping center.
In the evening W stayed at home so I went alone with S6.
And next morning while I was washing the dishes W came in the kitchen
First she said she wanted to dialogue with me, I answered that I need to be warned before a dialogue (boundary).
W then said she had things to say, so I answered that I could listen.
W said she wants to
take the children for Christmas, either in Switzerland either in France. I asked for details and W told me that she is just informing me, she does not ask my permission. Then I told W that I feel concerned by the way she speaks about the children, as if they were pieces of furniture or animals, and I said they have their free will. I got then awakening Monster and I began to leave the room, that calmed immediately Monster so I came back and W continued to speak a little bit. When she finished I said I had listened to her and the Christmas holidays were not to be taken for granted.
In the next minutes I got a text from W telling that I ask for details and I don't give details about what I do with the children.
And some minutes after W climbed the steps to say "bye" to us three.
In the evening I answered to the text : I told W that I would gladly give her details requests or any demands, if only I received them : I am no seer I can not guess the unexpressed needs and wants. I added that I would gladly see her really involving in the children education, but at this time I see sadly that she can not keep her commitments, and not only to me. E.g. you are still not able to tell clearly when you come and go.
So I insist to ask for details : where, when, how, with who ?
Actually I am rather in favour of Christmas holidays with W for the children. It would be good for her, for the children. And I also need some real holidays without children. But not at any cost ! So I have to set up boundaries, again.
The phone calls from W to children are becoming chaotic : in the past it was regular, every other day then once in 3 days. But in the last weeks it has been every day during 5 days, then no call during 5 days, then again every day during 2 days, then nothing. I observe it as it looks a bit strange. But the good news is that the children are not impacted, neither myself. The children are now used to the chaos coming from W and I give to them enough stability.
A new LBS in the village
During same Satturday with outdoor activities, I met a LBS from same village. I knew from a discussion with a common friend one month ago that her husband is in crisis, and I had decided not to call her even if I knew she needed help (why ? You can guess in a few paragraphs), but when I met her at the first activity (W was 3 meters from me) and when she answered to my greetings with
"are you aware ?..." I changed my mind, so I decided to give to this woman my ear during the evening, too bad for the night animals and the explanations of our guide.
Well I guess you can guess what I will write ? A 20 year marriage, 3 children D9, D8 and D5 (almost D6, schoolmate of S6). End of July the husband disappears, and 10 days after the now LBS learns that her H lives with anOtherWoman. Even worse, the adulterous couple has been seen snogging in the village several times
and they are usually behaving as teenagers in front of common friends. Well we can imagine how were the 2 last months for the LBS : sleepless nights, angry discussions, shock, sense of lostness, shame...
What is less common in a LBS situation is that the woman talks already about a "liberation". Actually, she realizes there have been a lot of abuses even before the crisis : verbal violence, depreciation of her as a person, jealousy. She talked about conjugal rape to. So I think there is likely MLC and there is more than MLC.
Now the woman tries to protect her children as she sees they are regressing really fast. She has been obliged by policemen to open to the failed husband so that he picks up his things (he stole the 2d car key at same time and other important papers that he gave back except the car key), and she has been obliged to "give" the children sometimes to the failed husband and the OW, even if the father is violent and careless. He and OW are showing her teenage snogging things before the children, they go in their bed during the afternoon in presence of the children. D9 is wetting her bed and D5 is talking like a 2-year baby and asking for attention everytime. The MLCH has already made vain the advice "protect the finances" because he has already stolen everything available 60k€ to his W and the children as he had access to all accounts.
D5 spent a lot of time stuck to me during the evening. Actually she was disturbing the event and I took her in my arms so that she would be calm. Her mother was surprised, she said : "usually she doesn't go with men". I understand she has been traumatized by her dad's violence. The last hour I finally said to D5 "you know, I don't really understand when you're talking like a baby, I would prefer you to speak like a little child". Then she talked like the little intelligent girl she is, and I confess I was proud of myself. She said to me just before the end of the event : "my dad has left our home, he lives with OW and sleeps in a bed with OW. Do you want to be my daddy ?"
I have mainly listened to her during the evening, and then by text when we went back home. I have proposed my help because I know life has tought me how to deal with this kind of situation : internally, with the lawyer, with the social worker, with the psychologist, etc... and I slept badly the next night, a sign that there is something wrong within me that I have to work on.
Next morning I knew what to do : I called a friend (mum of another S6 friend) who is already aware of the whole situation. She is currently studying psyschology and we are good friends so I asked for her advice. We discussed first about this woman and her children, then I said that she is a very nice woman, and I am a man who had no sexual relationship for 2 years. I am already helping a French LBS since 1 year, but he is a man living 1000 kilometers away so there is no ambiguity. Helping a female LBS in same village is new to me. She congratulated me to
name what is happening with honesty, she said she felt it at the time that I raised the topic of this woman, and as I requested she gave to me useful advices, how to handle the situation (for the record this friend knows since 1 month the basics of my own situation : W and I are separated, W lives in Switzerland and I take care of the children). I need to keep the right distance. I will propose my help, not save.
Today there is no school (rain red alert). I am at home and D5 is currently with us as her mother told me she was looking for a solution for her 3 girls. I have not yet decided to tell to this woman my own story. Since 2 months I am informing friends and family about what is happening. I am glad I have done it
following the advices here. It is now easier and easier to inform the friends, relatives and acquaintances. If people ask something related to W, I answer they should ask directly to W. And when I got questions about me, I answer honestly, sometimes with caution. I am glad I am now detached enough so that I am able to say nothing negative about W, and only positive or factual things with the children.
a journey towards myself
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