[MadLuv]

Thank you Treasur, Trust and Marvin- I appreciate the comments, wisdom and the support.

Funny (in a non funny way) in my S34 exchange that once again put us on hold, she said “ I don’t know if your drinking, but your actions are unforgivable and you need to go back to therapy . You are never holding yourself accountable”

I feel all I do is reflect and hold myself accountable, for me a d what others do to me. I also have allowed so much disrespect from her and sometimes I feel the mistakes she thinks I make when it comes to her comes from trying so hard to please her and make her accept me. To lesson her burden s and pain. That also I believe comes from the aftermath of accepting so little from XH in the last years. It can ALL come from being beaten down and not feeling accepted.

I have tried to explain to D34 this many times. I may jusr share my journal on my thoughts to see if she can see it more clearly, but she has often said, I dont care what you thought, it doesn’t matter what your intentions were…these a fundamental things I dont agree with. 

So, I also wanted to share that sometimes the after math of trauma can lead to us not being our best selves in other interactions. That we may acceot less and take more than we deserve on many levels after if we don’t recognize that we have been damaged and its ok to not be ok.  But we don't have to accept something that further damages us, even when it comes to others we love.

A friend told me that has known me for 50 years “ your daughter is abusive to you”  my sister had an interaction with D34 that said almost brought for to self harm.  It’s hard as a mother to  not know how to help someone you love and that seems in most ways to be fine, but at any moment can have violent outbursts. I’m trying to accept that I may have to limit my interactions with D34 to be more surface level, because sharing more can become a deep pain later when she has these mini meltdowns.

These moments are also so hard when you no longer have your spouse around to support you.

[marvin4242]

Reading what you wrote something occurred. Have you gone to therapy at any point in this process and/or is it an option? I don’t mean because what your daughter said. Rather it may be very helpful to you and (counter intuitively perhaps) for your daughter if you worked on strengthening your personal boundaries. It is understandable to sometimes lose one’s boundaries and to not take care one’s own needs when we are putting too much energy into trying to help others. And strangely it doesn’t help, and leads to pain and potential hurt.

[MadLuv]

I did. I went directly into therapy a year after XH left and went until I was laid off from work. My therapist actually told me to step away from my daughter as she was not allowing rationale two way communication. I also asked my son and daughter to go to therapy with me and XH. XH agreed to go but it ended up being the day he got fired(he was marrried I did not know) so not sure how that would have went, but both kids then also agreed to go and then he really started to be more reclusive.

I know the situation is dire, but there really is no  resolution to have except that you live in daughters control and rules or these things happen. She is constantly telling me she has PTSD over her father and so this is why we are here. What is crazy to me is when he left she just said, people change etc. She really didn’t have any empathy for me and no real issue with him and his actions, until he turned on her. Now, he is mentally ill and who does this.

She also has told me that societal norms are that its acceptable for a man to walkaway from his kids, but not a mother, so its hard for her not to be influenced by that. That was disappointing also. She is a very opinionated gal  who is obviously very controlling on her own boundaries , so to hold me up to higher standards than her father was interesting to me.

I have also talked about her history of issues with people . She gats mad and cuts people off. She has had fights with her past in Laws and current inlaws. She recently told me they are mad because her husbands parents went on vacation instead of giving money to her husband towards his college bills that they originally agreed to pay. He has been put of college for over a decade. Dont think they are paying it.

Then she complained that her husbands vehicles radio stopped working and she felt bad they couldn’t fix it, but he got a bonus and she bought a $600 painting of a horse for her fanily room wall. Her husband has acknowledged that he is also avoidant and through my XH he knows he has to be more vocal and is trying to be more open and communicative. However, he has high blood pressure and the drs cant figure out why except stress. So, I dont think he is being as open as he needs to be with her and its taking a toll. His XW was mentally ill and he became very unhealthy until finally leaving.

There is just so much happening with her and her past and current situation. Ahe is very controlling . She and OWife and OW daughter all worked for  same company and boss. So, they knew she had a baby, because she was a manager over them. When she quit after having a baby did it not become common knowledge. Also, she has the baby pubically on her fb page as her cover picture.
She told XH mother and brother to not tell XH she was pregnant or she had a baby. I never have .

What brought her to tell me to get therapy and ask if I was drinking  was I said in the interaction with OWife “ who loses a child and  doesnt see his kids or grandkids” so, OW reached out to daughter and told her they didn't know she has a baby. They knew. She wasn’t really hiding it., but my plural
On grandkids was not a disclosure and thats a reach to say I told them when she told me not to. They haven't seen them or had communication in 3 years. My son could have had a kid.  But… truly the plural was not even about her having 2 kids. It was just a natural typing after saying kids to also plural grandkids.

So, that is what she is mad at. I acknowledged her being mad, but you know she cant control everything. I have never had communication with OW until recently and it obviously was not good for me. I understandably was shaken and I should have stepped away and not responded. I wish I had. I did not lose control or have any major communication , but I regret any communication. I dont thinks after almost 5 years of no communication with OW and 2 years with XH that one moment of  a reaction to being unexpectedly confronted  says I must be drinking or need therapy. It was an over reaction by her and cruel. She knows I rarely drink. Only events. 

Sorry, I know that was a long response but her insinuation that Im unhinged or something was more to hurt me than her concern or actual feelings that I need help. She just likes to go for the jugular when she is mad.

[MadLuv]

I also want to take the opportunity while on this to say
I am always and will always disclose my true and full story. Many dont because it’s easy to be judged. It is always easy to blame the mother or parent for a childs imbalance or issues. Heck, we do it here. We say it’s childhood issues that cause these MLC, so thats why when I  talk about my D34 I know some will look at it and think it’s me. No one is a perfect parent, but her issues are not from
My parenting, but more her anxious and controlling personality reacting to a terrible divorce and loss of a father.

I have not been perfect in all this. I have had times of  unbalance. I am not now, but I have been in dark places and I knew to seclude during those times. With that said,  my XH extreme hiding of his life for 10 years while living a double life, hiding  a marriage flor almost a year and his exit from kids life has been a lot to take on top of the BD.

We do the best we can and I have never not been there for my kids. My D34 were very close before she had her affair and her father leaving. I truly think and I may be wrong, that she is so mad at her dad now and his decisions and mot being who she thought he was, but also maybe she is reflecting on her own affair now and has some need to spin the narrative to resolve in her own mind her lack of judgement.  But Im not a therapist. Im just a flawed human like everyone else. But I constantly want to be better. To take accountability when I am not.

I have so many reach out to  thank me for being so forth coming and honest because they cant. So, if I do look like the bad parent from
The outside I will take it and use it to see in any way I need to do more.

[beyondblessed]

ML, I'm no therapist either, but I kind of feel like there's a huge elephant in the room here, and it's your D34's own affair and indiscretions.  I mean absolutely no disrespect and am only going by what you said, but she has a lot of unprocessed baggage of her own to deal with, and what she said to you sounds a lot like the projective garbage a person in crisis would say to deflect personal responsibility.

[MadLuv]

BB- I totally agree. All our issues started then. Everyones indiscretions ( to say it lightly) seem to be what I am paying for.  I find it so odd that everyone being unkind to me in this terrible situation are those that stepped away from their moral compass. Yet, I can’t make any mistakes, none. Even when reacting to a surprised interaction  by the affair partner that helped break up ky marriage and family. In all honesty it’s truly surprising that anyone handling this situation is able to stay sane. It really does take constant work, self motivation, improvement, reflection, pep talks to ones self…….yet we still are only human. One thing my daughter will not have to worry about again is any errors with my XH.  I have seen enough and lived through enough. It took this final bang, but it was a big shot!!

[titleholder]

Pfff ML, a lot of things are happening in your life but I think you pointed out the most important thing in which I totally agree:

Im just a flawed human like everyone else. But I constantly want to be better. To take accountability when I am not.

This is what makes the differences and what a lot of people are incapable of. They pretend to be perfect and avoid every ounce of accountability by walking away or simply not talking about the issues that are there. You're doing that, and that's what's most important! You're there for your childeren, you don't shy away from the hard subjects and that's sometimes hard for people who like to avoid, but atleast you're honest!

[MadLuv]

Thank you so much title.  I do have a bit of a $htiz $how going. This to shall pass. The damage will remain, but I just have to step away. I am reminded of Nah and her situation where her daughter took her XH side and they truly have not much more than an occasional text message relationship. It happens. She remains close to her son as do I.  Or that was the last I remember.  NAH has a great book on amazon if anyone hasn’t read it. “He never said a word”  everyone on here should read .

I just want to thank everyone here. I am 4 1/2 years out from
BD and although it seems that life is in chaos it is more due to what he is doing to his adult kids than me. I really have removed myself and it’s unfortunate that his extreme avoidance and who he has picked as his soul mate is disguised as his savior when she is in fact his destroyer.

I wanted to bring my thoughts on the OW /OM and the affects as I touched briefly on Amazing loves page.  For those that don’t recognize their spouse or Xspouse the OW/OM while in the affair and after change them. As any relationship does.

Since I was in this situation and canceled a divorce to try again I would like to add that when someones attention has turned to another it changes them. Human interaction changes people, so even if the affair stops that person has changed due to that relationship and it makes it even harder to not suspect that something is still off, so of course it has to be that when in fact your spouse has just changed some. In my case my XH did not stop. So my intuitions were correct, but he also changed as a human and not for the better.

This kind of betrayal changes everything, not just the relationship, but who they become. And your gut feeling is normally spot on. If you stay and you keep trying to no avail  it’s so painful.  When your searching for hope to rebuild and you only get met with more damage.

Losing a person you thought would be your forever is hard. Not recognizing who they become is harder and  realizing they are hurting you which seems purposefully makes you question your entire life with them. It makes you question yourself.

Also, I can remember and still do if being honest, wonder how they live with all they have done and do. Of course their is avoidance, rewriting history, enablers, changing the narrative, but I really don’t think they do as time goes by. We take the hit early and they as life settles take it later.

I will say that in my XH field he was with a very large corporation and climbed the ladder and was very high up when getting fired a year after our divorce after 35 years. That showed that new relationship was not saving him at all. He is with a new very large company and is just a normal manager. A night manager at that. At 59 working unbelievably long hours. 3 years and he moved for them. He should at the very least be running a building as the main manager. He is not. Sometimes we can see the dysfunction in these little things. OW and what her interaction with me also shows me who she is now. She is showing herself. Not just marking her territory, but completely taking control . Something avoidants hate.

Just some thought I have noticed and learned in the years I wanted to share for those looking for insights and answers. I always appreciated when I would read those insights on people farther along and could recognize it and it calmed my nerves in a “ that makes sense” kind of way.  Any answer, thougjts to settle the anxious mind in the early days is what we need.

[nah]

Omg. I just wrote a long winded response and it disappeared 

Shorter version.
Son and daughter rarely interact now.
She messaged him a year ago when his cat died.

After BD, son was drug addicted, sickly skinny, I was afraid for his life.
He is now a muscle bound beast!  He’s married to a girl I adore. They both have good jobs and even talking babies!!!!

MadLuv, I’m so sorry your story seems similar to mine. I understand the worry and pain. It took me such a very long time to get to the other side.
I’ll try to pop in later - I need to get ready for work.

[MadLuv]

Oh nooooo Nah- if you use your phone like me that happens. It’s so frustrating!!

My daughter is still not talking to me. She blocked me on social media and she is bonding with her brother. They don't see each other much, but when she is mad at me she seems to reach out to him more. So, positive for them  😊

I’m just riding out the storm. I don’t know that I will even want a conversation over this with her if she calms down. I just feel maybe a change in our relationship for a few years might be good as she heals more from Her fathers absence. Heck, maybe he will reappear. I just feel I have put my life on hold long enough. I have put everyone else before me. I have  made excuses for  XH  and I just am ready to not have my life affected by him anymore.

So, we shall see what continues to unfold.