[AlvinTheMaker]

Journaling.....

So, round two is now reality. After a month it feels both familiar and different at the same time. I guess that just highlights how MLC is a mix of many things. While affairs or loss of love may be the A-bombs that turn midlife crisis into a CRISIS, it doesn’t always take something that extreme for relationship to plunge into dark waters.

Beginning of W's therapy has not been easy. In the past few weeks, I’ve heard the word 'escape'  several times along with various brainfogg-baked thoughts to run off, delay or distract. She says she is committed to working on her traumas and us, and there is some progress, but from cheap seats (or maybe I have best seats, LOL) it seems so fragile. But maybe it will change with time. These are still the early days.

And there is fear. Lots of fear for things big and small. She is like a deer in the woods, listening for even smallest of crack.  The other day she smelled smoke from fish i was cooking and jumped to hug me in fear our fire alarm would go off. And there is fear of me abandoning her  - that is her fearful-avoidant demon pushing and pulling. Yes, the honeymoon lovebombing is now over and I'm getting a royal treatment crashcourse of this unhealthy dynamic running rampage.

It seems she is consistently standing at a crossroad, choosing daily whether to face her demons or fall back to mask-and-run pattern she has held onto for decades.  So far facing the demons seems to be winning, but it is such subtle matter that it can swing either way any given day. Though it pains me, I know this is her battle. Not much I can do besides giving time and space.

The biggest difference this round is me. You dont go hell and back without learning transferrable skills.  Now all of it is handy.  Six years back I was not a good LBS and poked-and-trialed a lot. But now I know that the baseline teachings are likely the most valid option, especially when situation is like mine. So I....
Give space, dont push or poke.
Respond, don’t react.
Go slow—then even slower.
Listen actively, respond mindfully.
Build trust and safety.
Detach for personal well-being.

Oh yes, MLC is a gift that keeps giving.

So what's ahead for me... First step is a weekend photography trip. My first solo trip in two years. It's gonna be fun.

Alvin

[Treasur]

I am very sorry that you find yourself on the edge of someone else’s crisis again. Can’t imagine how that would feel in your shoes. Or how one might see and deal with both the similarities and differences in a second round with a different person. But as you say, we learn some useful tools in how much of it we allow to be about us and I hope your photography trip brings you some pleasure and space to breathe.

[marvin4242]

Hi Alvin:

I am also sorry that you find yourself in maybe familiar territory again. But you do sound very centered and as well positioned as one can be. Hopefully this time it is a case where your W, with support and help including yours, will take the hard but good road and deal with her traumas. I truly hope that she does and you both end up on the stronger/better version of your relationship.

You know this, but don't forget to take care of yourself. And if memories of the last time come up it sounds like you are very good at doing your own work.

[AlvinTheMaker]

Journaling…

Just watched a fascinating science documentary called "Love Hurts: The Science of Heartbreak" by CBC.

What really stood out to me is that there may be a promising medical treatment for the intense emotional pain many LBS experience after a traumatic breakup. The proposed remedy is surprisingly simple and affordable: propranolol - yes, the common, inexpensive blood pressure medication—combined with six 30-minute therapy sessions where traumatic memory is re-activated.

This treatment has already shown 75% effectiveness in cases of PTSD, and current research is exploring its impact on heartbreak with promising results too.

Most likely most licenced therapists are not even aware of such remedy.... But maybe this sidenote helps some other poor soul entering the LBS path. It's no cure to MLC, but it could make life of fellow LBS a lot easier.

Alvin

[forthetrees]

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind come to life.

[marvin4242]

Alvin: thanks, really interesting, had not seen it. Found this which further expands on what you were saying:

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4331383/

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind come to life.

Ha! I like to use "better living through chemistry!"

[AlvinTheMaker]

I like to use "better living through chemistry!"

Precisely.... What this approach does is it decouples fear response from memories when using trauma re-activation. Nothing is lost, it just becomes "easier to live" as primitive fear reaction is no more hijacking all systems.

And propranolol is safe, in fact I've been popping it for 2 years for heart issues. Not sure if it's the reason Im handling current crisis so well, or if it's just about me having done the work

But all in all I think it is great there are new pharma solutions that are something else than "zombifying" with mental issue meds.

Here's how they are trying to make this spread:
https://en.reconsolidationtherapy.com/

Alvin

[gman242]

I wonder if us LBS attract a certain type of person too, prone towards MLC?

Likely/Maybe... Maybe it is the "good guy/woman trap". If you can make partner feel safe, it seems to be call sign for unhealed trauma to surge. And that is where you may get either MLC or MLT. Twisted logic, but could well be valid. And could explain why here are mostly good people who provided and cared and loved unselfishly.

I knew she had traumatic past, but in the end most people have had skeletons. You can only rely on their word of them being done and dealt, and watch for  behaviour. But if mask is on and it is well crafted...then it's gonna be hard. And of course rose/pink goggles make it harder, LOL


Oh well, lets see where this goes. Hopefully MLT, but still sucks.

Alvin

I could tend to agree here.

I think we're all in the same boat as we're the nice / good person the other took a chance on because they're sick of the same old jerks, players a*holes nonsense (doesn't matter MF or FM here .. ) and they can't handle kindness, unconditional love.

They honestly miss or are just used to the arguing, the stress, the cortisol addiction as I've heard it called.

Check out the chaos kid theory. Very apt for most of us.

Some will thrive, some will flounder.

But we as "good people" need to learn to look for the same. I think our problem is we tend to fall in love with potential rather than what's in front of us.

[MadLuv]

Or it can be the opposite.  They say that someone with trauma or unresolved issues seeks out the familiar. If they are an avoidant with covert narcissist traits they themselves can be their own wolf in sheep's clothing . I think this is why evaluating and digging into MLC is so hard. All the variables and reasons.  Even if you think you pick the opposite you can still end up with the same. LBS biggest hurdle is to not shut out the chance of love out of fear of what will come or may come. No one knows anyone fully and how life at anytime will play out. Just my thought.

[gman242]

Madluv, the thing I'm looking for now in any relationship is reciprocation.

Do they show an interest me? Ask questions? Compliment me as well? Listen to me when I'm talking? Etc..

It took a lot of inner work for me to realize that's what I've been missing all these years in most of my relationships.

Because honestly if someone isn't truly giving to you, they're just taking and it's simply not a worthy investment.

We need to be open minded and hearted sure, but we also need standards and boundaries.