[UrsaMajor]

Strangely it has been the start of this evening argument, because I have been accused to mischief making that made her loose her housing in Switzerland 

And you were able to influence her housing situation in Switzerland how?

Logic is a skill that MLC'ers seem to have a distinct lack of...

[FrenchHusband]

And you were able to influence her housing situation in Switzerland how?

Logic is a skill that MLC'ers seem to have a distinct lack of...

Yes it is right, I don't even know where is her housing, I thought she had rented something in France.

Now I see I am a bit shaken by the new change in the living arrangements. Even if I anticipated it a long time ago, the reality is still striking. And the children also are shaken, especially D17 who is unusually aggressive towards me the last days. Yesterday evening, I saw that I was shaken, and it helped me a bit to get back my balance.

I am right now facing a dilemma : W told me first that she will go in S Thursday (today), and come back on Sunday. Then she sent me a message saying that there is no way she can come back Sunday evening, instead she comes back Monday at 12:30. I checked the company and actually there are still flight seats Sunday 7pm and Monday 7:20 am. So my intuition is telling me there is a big lie. I know that OM's day off is on Monday, addind 2+2 is not difficult, and I guess they plan to spend time together in S. Now, what I do with this information ?

1) : I go to the airport and I take a picture of them (if possible unknown from them)
2) : I ask someone to go the airport and take a picture from them
3 ) : I inform the bishop or his deputy that OM (a priest) and my wife will spend time together in Switzerland
4) : I tell W that I am aware of her plans
5) : I do nothing

Do you see other options ? At this time I am asking for advice. I have asked my lawyer, and as a lawyer he advised me to do nothing (because an action will likely deteriorate the separation), as a friend (and Christian) he told me there are pros and cons.
At this time my opinion is rather the option 5 : do nothing. But it is difficult, I confess, to be able to do something and choose not to do. My mind is racing. Last time I had a similar dilemma, I finally chose to act against the advices from the forum here, and as foretrees had predicted, my action bit me in the ass.

Regarding separation/divorce topic, the lawyer told me that he received a mail telling that, as there in no progress, she will likely file. I asked my lawyer to write to W's lawyer that we are open to discussion, and ask (again) what is W's proposal ? I understand that (as in many stories) W is wanting me to do the job of the legal papers. W is likely not happy with me not doing it (as expected), but I don't care. What could she do ? Divorce ? She is already divorcing . My only fight is for the children and for the finances, so that we are able to stay in the house. And, from this point of view, W's choice of abandoning us is good news for me, again confirmed by my lawyer.

[AlvinTheMaker]

Realistically speaking, any option where you interfere can make your and kids life whole lot more complicated when she goes berserk. And it will definitely not win you love.... So what would be the gain with options 1-4?

As for option #5..... Let God and karma take care of teaching other people, and focus on building best life for you and the kids.

Just my 5 cents worth from cheap seats,

Alvin

[forthetrees]

I would do nothing as this will become a pattern of behavior on her part and it will implode on its own without your intervention. The desire to expose their behavior is present but that doesn´t mean that you have to be the one to do it. Sooner or later they reveal what they are up to and others can then see what you´ve been seeing.

[Treasur]

I’m an option 5 too.
No benefit to you from what I see…you already know there is an OM, you already know she does not really care how her actions affect you or the kids, you know that you can’t control her choices….everything else is just details.
And after all, who do you have to prove anything to with more ‘evidence’? And why would you repeat a version of what you tried and failed at before?

What I think would be a better use of your mental energy is to start thinking about why/how your wife using the family home as a weekly halfway house when/if it suits her is a good plan for you, my friend? Bc I can see what she gets from it but I’m struggling to see what you do. What ARE your boundaries for how you and your kids live? She has someplace else to live…fine, let her live there full time. She can do her, you do you.

If you keeping your house and primary custody of your kids is important to you, perhaps it would be more fruitful to start thinking about how you can achieve that regardless of your wife’s Swiss Adventures.

But I think the fact that you are even thinking about 1-4 suggests that - perhaps understandably - you really have not yet reached a point of acceptance that what is happening is actually happening with all that entails. And that some bit of you still thinks you can use shame, logic or persuasion to change her actions. What if you just opened your hand and let her go? Bc imho once a spouse physically leaves to live elsewhere, or starts talking about divorce, it’s not a temporary blip and you’re not in Kansas anymore. Your marriage is done….you got no choice in that, but you do have choices in what happens next.

[KayDee]

I think No.5 is a winner! And actually, as the brilliant ForTheTrees often told me - doing nothing is often a form of doing something. Resisting the baser urges? Rising above it? But also, perhaps you redeploy the energies you would have expended skulking around the airport, or writing a letter to OM's boss, into something positive. A treat for the kids? Work out exactly how long 1) would take you and purposefully spend that time doing something wonderful. Just a suggestion.

Final point, documenting their affair will put you slap bang into a drama triangle. And drama triangles can crank up the excitement of the affair. Better to let it become vanilla on its own 

[UrsaMajor]

Rack another vote for Option 5 -

In the words of a great philosopher ho was attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in 1981 (it is often incorrectly attributed to Albert Einstein),
"Insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result."

You have been there, done that, gotten the T-Shirt and it didn't even fit. Why do it again?

 These things have a way of coming back to haunt the person doing them so I'd recommend sitting back, grabbing some pop corn and wait for karma to do the work God has given it to do. It will all come out at some point. Given your Bishop's recalcitrance at actually DOING anything anyway aside from waggling his finger at the priest, I'm not sure if it would do any good anyway to expose them further.

As for Option 4, unless God has given you the ability to either read minds or see into the future, you DON'T know what her plans are... You ASS-U-ME what her plans are (and you very well may be 100% correct) but it is still an assumption without proof so confronting her is about as useful as going outside into the path of a tornado, yelling at it, waving your arms at it, and expecting it to change is course.....

[FrenchHusband]

thank very much UM, KD, T, FTT and ATM for your answers. Yes it is very clear for me it is the best option.
I have done it already and, as you expected, it failed. So no benefit to do it again (errare humanum est, sed perseverare diabolicum is another version of the AA quote)

But I think the fact that you are even thinking about 1-4 suggests that - perhaps understandably - you really have not yet reached a point of acceptance that what is happening is actually happening with all that entails. And that some bit of you still thinks you can use shame, logic or persuasion to change her actions. What if you just opened your hand and let her go? Bc imho once a spouse physically leaves to live elsewhere, or starts talking about divorce, it’s not a temporary blip and you’re not in Kansas anymore. Your marriage is done….you got no choice in that, but you do have choices in what happens next.

that "some bit of me" you are speaking about... it is my Ego, isn't it ?  . Even if I am currently switching from the Ego to the Self, yes this part of me still exists, true. I have let go, my Ego is still wanting to control what is not under my control. 

What I think would be a better use of your mental energy is to start thinking about why/how your wife using the family home as a weekly halfway house when/if it suits her is a good plan for you, my friend? Bc I can see what she gets from it but I’m struggling to see what you do. What ARE your boundaries for how you and your kids live? She has someplace else to live…fine, let her live there full time. She can do her, you do you.

If you keeping your house and primary custody of your kids is important to you, perhaps it would be more fruitful to start thinking about how you can achieve that regardless of your wife’s Swiss Adventures.

Boundaries for the living arrangements ? First of all, I am not sure whether you suggest it or not, the family home is our common property 50/50. So I have no legal way to force her to leave definitely in short term. I can imagine other ways to force her to leave, but I don't believe that would benefit me and the children.
Regarding the benefits I get from W still planning to spend of her time in our house, I see there are plenty :
- W is still participating to the household expenses. I have made simulations, and I could hardly do it alone.
- when W is at home, she participates to the household tasks. I could do it alone with big participation of the children but I welcome the help gladly.
- and she takes care of our kids. Again, I could do it alone, it is a relief for me to take some rest sometimes.
- I am glad the children can see her mother at our home, and that they don't have to move home every week or every 3 days.

If I force W to go out of our home, I see there will be negative consequences for her, for the children and for me. The separation negotiations would be more difficult, and that may be negative for my long-term wants.

A bit of journaling now
First days with new living arrangements for W... and for the children and me. It is nice at home, less tensions. The meals without W have been very happy and joyful. D17 is still upset at me since last argument and says she does not want to spend time with us (means W and I), but with D15 and S6 everything is normal (well D15 and D17 are still in mild teenage crisis so their normal is ups and downs)

Thanks KD for the suggestion of doing something wonderful. It is what I am trying to do every day for me and the people who are close to me, at home, in the village, in the park after school, at the parish, at work.

As I have already observed it in the past year, each time W is far away, she reconnects to me. And the first days in S, I see again baby steps. W calls evey evening and speaks briefly to me, she is nice and opens up slowly, day by day, with short conversations. Then she says "may I speak to the children ?" and I give the phone.

Yesterday evening, W said that she won't work today (Sunday) and she will come back earlier than expected, and take the flight at 8pm. My intuition tells me that it is again lies  . And after a quick check with the flight company I see there are 3 other flights before : 2 are not complete and the seat prices are lower. So I assume my intution is right, again : W works today
Well I am glad I spent not so much energy on this topic and I took quickly (in 8 hours) the right decision. I have rarely been very intuitive, it is a new skill I discover in myself. Is it a giflt of MLC ? or rather a gift I made to myself during W's MLC ?
I am asking also why the lies from W are so pathetic ? Not the first time it seems to me that a part of W is requesting me to catch her lies... and I know I have better things to do 

[Baxter1]

Sorry for the late reply, I’m on board for option 5. Sometimes the best thing is to wait and see. I’ve seen pics of W with OM online and it felt like a stab to the heart. I never let her know though, I didn’t see any advantage to it. Just my opinion, I’ve been doing nothing for a while now and it’s served me pretty well, good luck!

[Standing Strong]

Hey FH 

Intuition is a muscle and has to be developed like any muscle...... the gut is rarely (if ever) wrong.

Glad you didn't do anything, that was the right choice.

So she runs away and then reaches out? Not a bad thing. It shows regret and checking to make sure the path back is still there (and hasn't closed).
Time, more time!!! 

Funny how sloppy they get with their lies..... I don't think it's them wanting you to catch them - they are falling apart, can't do anything very well.

-SS