[atsbabyg02]

Thank you, KayDee! I honestly never thought of the lack of coping skills, but you are so right! I guess because I’m so close to this and been living it for so long, I never thought of that. I actually teach coping skills in my career 😂  H has no real close friends. My brother was his best friend (which is how we met), but other than him H has only made a few friendships but doesn’t reach out to them.

I reached out to a marriage coach and just finished some sessions with her. We pinpointed a lot of typical MLC characters within his personality. He’s narcissistic (duh), very avoidant with issues (this has been all his life), and his go to action is to run away from situations. He has repressed childhood memories, which was his reason for us needing to get divorced.  What the two have in common, I will never know!

I’ve been very emotional this week. Not sure if it’s hormone related or his behavior. He left to visit his brother this past weekend for a couple days. When he left he said, “If you need me, you know how to reach me.”  Then on Monday morning, he announced that he was going to take a shower, “if you need me, you know where to find me.” WTF!?! Of course I need him! I just said ok each time, but I’m not sure if he was saying it to say it or if there is meaning to it. He’s never said it before and hasn’t said it since. I guess it could have been small moments of his original self peeking through.

Hopeandfaith, thank you for sharing. I will have to visit your thread and learn your story.

[KayDee]

I just wanted to check in to sympathize and say I hope you have gained a bit more equilibrium emotions-wise. I don't know as much as many on this site, but I do know our emotions can be a bit unpredictable in this midst of this traumatic experience. Or maybe it's just they seem unpredictable, because feeling sad, angry, vulnerable, that's pretty normal given the situation. We are in the wake of another person's crisis, and we keep receiving aftershocks.  Just when I think I have a handle on things, I get side-swiped again and I fall into a bit of a pit. Sometimes it is because I am triggered, other times, I don't really know why. All I know now is that it is normal. You are normal. I try to be with the feelings as much as I can, because, grim as it is, I know (but have to keep reminding myself) - it will pass.

I have often read hat the MLCr feels unworthy, thus you could say, not needed. They seek an emotional other who is on their emotional wavelength to feel valued. My H pretty much turned into a teenager in the way he spoke and behaved. He found someone who mirrored this. But I know, as I type, you can drive yourself insane analyzing what they say. It could well be how he felt in that given moment, that he wanted to be needed, but as you have been desirous of having more quality time with him (you have brought this up with him a lot this last few months), he should know that. Right! This is the MLC effect I feel. They are in their own super-bubble of needs and nothing really bursts it - until it (hopefully) bursts.

[atsbabyg02]

UGH!!!!  I'll get to this shortly...

So I joined the Detach and Thrive group...which is awesome. I hate that I can't make most of the live coaching because of work hours. Kenda Ruth has provided so much information on detachment.  I need to find time to work on this program because I still have a long way to go. 

People always mention how WS looks dead in the eyes.  Well, I finally saw that today!  I knew he was in MLC, but I keep second guessing myself because he doesn't follow the same script.  I know I'm still at the very beginning of this lovely round 2 of MLC but, good gracious, I'm ready for things to change drastically!!

So a few weeks ago, H gave me the settlement agreement, told me to review it and then we would discuss.  I told him that I did not agree with it because I literally get nothing; everything split to owner-HELL NO!!  So he came up with some kind of financial agreement where he pays for all the kids stuff (insurance, car payments etc.); we will split medical bills 50/50.  So I asked for alimony/maintenance.  He threw a fit (let's all show our shocked faces!).  Then he said that I actually get a certain $ amount.  I ask him to explain.  I don't get any money- I save money and get paid back for the insurance because I carry the kids.  Now my babies are not recognized by the courts because of their ages. But the court formula doesn't give me $h!te and him actually paying for the kids stuff really will "save" me money.  So I'me waiting on my copy of this for my records.  He told me he was going to print this off 2 weeks ago....still waiting!

Yesterday he is packing up more of his stuff.  I ask for the paperwork again. He says he'll get it to me.  Well then this morning, I think I started it but not really meaning to. A neighbor was coming to fix our gutters but he tells me this 15 minutes before she plans to come over. So I told him it would be nice to know what's going on with fixing up the house because he doesn't tell me anything.  Well he starts monstering and gaslighting me.  I put up my boundary and said we could talk later.  Then 20 minutes later I go to him and mention that he packed up all the liquor and that it isn't fair that he gets all of it (thousands of dollars of bourbon). Then he states that I'm causing nothing be problems for him and that I was delaying the divorce. Yet he is the one holding onto the paperwork!!

I had to get out. I left to go to my parents. I asked my d18 if she wanted to go, and she said yes. Why do I get a text from H b!tc#ing that I didn't tell him d18 was not going to be home today?  Yesterday she was ho,e all day and he barely said 5 words to her.  I'm so done with him!! Being a lighthouse  for him is near impossible. This is far from the man I love.

[Treasur]

Have you taken legal advice? And/or retained a lawyer to act for you if your h’s proposed offer is not one that is acceptable to you?

[MadLuv]

Atsbaby- Im so sorry you are going through this and I am
One of those that like you have been at it for a very long time. I would say my XH started in 2008, but really started to be an at home wallower in 2013. His energy type has changed and he has come and gone and now married to 5th OW. You will most likely see a lot of your story in mine. A difference was my XH was only outwardly monster a few times and gave me a what ever I asked for in the divorce.
I agree with others on these MLCers that dont look st themselves, even when they know it is themselves that they continue with the same problems and just in fact pile a heap more on. Do what you can to financially protect yourself. I found my kindness and offer to handle everything is what got my settlement. I honestly just wanted to protect what we had built and still feel that way. Be calm and kind without being walked over. The more he monsters the more you show strength and calm and rationale. If he wants out bad and is impatient this may help him to be more fair.

[atsbabyg02]

Treasur- no I don’t have a lawyer. In our state, H filed for an uncontested divorce. He paid a flat rate and we agree to the settlement. We’d actually go into bankruptcy if I hired a lawyer. I have done a few consultations that are free so I have some background on what I need to keep me financially secure. Sadly, I was told I wouldn’t get much maintenance. He did at least admit when he was working the number that I really am getting screwed if he went with what the lawyer wrote. He is trying to be fair… why I’m not sure but I do appreciate it.

MadLuv- some of what you said does sound similar to mine. He rarely monsters, so when I saw those eyes I was shocked! He filed for divorce which was 11 days after BD#1 for this round. I do feel he is a clinger. I’m curious at what will happen when we officially split. He’s still in the home and doesn’t seem to have OW at this moment. I know in my gut/heart/intuition that there was one at time of BD. His work situation changed, which is where the OW was.

I’ve gone back and have really tried to piece things together. I think the MLC this round started during the pandemic. He would make comments about being unhappy at work. He is actually on job #5 since 2020. Even made a comment that he probably won’t stay at this one 🤦‍♀️.

We binged watched a show called “Alone” where contestants were isolated on an island to try and win $500,000. He made comments serval times about wanting to do this because it would be peaceful and away from everyone. I didn’t think much about it, but it makes sense now!

I think the biggest trigger was the loss of a friend (his age) and then his stepdad the following day. Stepdad was his biggest supporter and cheerleader.; even followed in the same career path. Plus he traveled a lot for the 3rd job he had. Literally only home a handful of days in a 6 month period..

I think he liked the freedom from responsibilities, never called and talked to the kids. Did talk to me, but began to complain a lot about we have nothing to talk about, all we do is repeat the same stuff over and over. I even requested date nights when he came home, but he was too tired, no money or anything to avoid it.

Now I just think I deserve someone who wants to hear about my day. I want someone who cares about me and wants to help me run the house. Someone who knows I deserve vacations and time to just relax and unplug from life. That is not who this man is and it makes me sad..

I’m putting it out there (manifesting) … H is a better, stronger man. He is healed from his issues and returned to me. We are happily married and growing old together. We are playing with our grandchildren. We have a beautiful home that we’ve always dreamed of. And we are everything that each other needs!

[hopeandfaith]

Love that manifesting Atsbabyg! I kinda think it works. I remember wanting the universe to send me someone like my brother and the next guy I dated had the same name. Same thing happened to my daughter and now she will likely marry a guy with the same name as my son 

[atsbabyg02]

Oh so much has happened since the last time I’ve posted. I feel like I should journal more just to have a running log. So much cycling, from both of us.

H and I talked tonight about splitting assets. I mentioned I would possibly want the house and then he argued with me about it. That he was thinking of keeping the house and that he didn’t have anywhere to live because there are no apartments or homes near his work, which is an hour away from where we live now. I would hate for him to move away, but I have to let him go.

I’m feeling so many emotions right now: sad, scared, relieved, excited but mostly heartbroken.

[UrsaMajor]

H and I talked tonight about splitting assets. I mentioned I would possibly want the house and then he argued with me about it. That he was thinking of keeping the house and that he didn’t have anywhere to live because there are no apartments or homes near his work, which is an hour away from where we live now.

And this is different for you how? Seriously..... 

THe important part here is to know what your rights are and what you are legally entitled to. What he wants is rather irrelevant because, a) he is in Toddler mode (If I want it, it is mine. If I gave it to you 2 days ago and want it back, it is mine, if it's ours, it is mine, if it was yours and I want it, it is mine), b) what he wants now my be different than what he wants tomorrow, c) he's likely thinking with his little head and not with the big one, d) since the LBS is 2nd cousin to Satan himself according to the Mid-Lifer, anything that can be used to poke the LBS will be done, if for no other reason than to spite the LBS and get "revenge" for all the perceived wrongs committed by the LBS.

This is an area where I can not stress enough to get legal advice BEFORE you agree to ANYTHING regarding the split. If I had to do it all over again, I would have told MLCxW that she was free to leave but that the kids and I would be staying in the house instead of moving out and selling the house like we did.

[Biscuit]

I agree with UM. The one thing I regret is listening to her BS and moving out of the family home (before I knew it was MLC).
Stay put in your home.