[MadLuv]

Last thread
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11980.0

New thread and hoping for more health and healing. Time, knowledge and support continues to carry me through. I continue to be grateful to not be that swirling heap of that first year. Almost at end of 3 years. 3 months to go.   I hate to wish away time, but every year does get better and I am grateful for sleep and no more crying. Acceptance of all things, even when it’s not explainable. As I told my therapist. This is going to be with me for a long time. That I accept.  That doesn't mean that we stay stuck. It means we are normal humans.

Indefatigability - determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose

perspicacity- a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight

[MadLuv]

My daughter posted a song called Anatomy by Kenzie  today. If you have a MLCer that has abandoned his kids you will find this heartbreaking, yet relatable. These are the moments where I see just how her pain comes out in different ways and I hate that they can’t see the damage they cause.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Es0NOuDK2ns

Here are the lyrics

You called me today, on a random Tuesday
Don't ask me why I still have your number saved
Hello stranger, it's been forever
You're acting normal but nothing's normal about

Trust issues, and soaking tissues
Lyin' to my sister and sayin', "I don't miss you"
With no closure, just getting older
But you still see me as the kid on your shoulders

It's just anatomy, you're only half of me
And still, you don't know me at all
You've been my missing piece, so why aren't you missing me?
Guess I meant less than I thought
It's just anatomy
Hate that you're half of me

I hate when people say that our noses are the same
So I went and got it changed like three-quarters of L.A
And I dated $h!tety people 'cause of how you treated mom
Now I'm with somebody good but I'm still feeling numb 'cause of

Trust issues, I'm soaking tissues
Lyin' to my sister like I never miss you
Say you'll visit, empty promise
God, I wish that for once you'd be honest

It's just anatomy, you're only half of me
But still, you don't know me at all
You've been my missing piece, so why aren't you missing me?
Guess I meant less than I thought
It's just anatomy
Hate that you're half of me

[Evermore]

What a sad song. I loved your first post here MLuv (you are sounding so great!) but your second is so sad. Attaching to your new thread. xx

My D22 is away overseas. She's been gone over 4 weeks (home Sunday). She set up a family/close friends group Messenger group and has been occasionally (when I bug her about it!) posting pics and little updates on her travels (Europe). XH has posted a few things in that group which hinted (to me) that he wasn't in contact with her outside of that group chat (she's still been frequently messaging me - several times a day and calling every couple of days). Some of his requests for info/more pics were very sentimental. I was texting xH yesterday about some health insurance stuff and he confirmed he's had no contact with her since she's been away ("When does she get home? I haven't had any communication from her since away"). I messaged a friend and sent a screen shot saying how sad I was for him that she doesn't automatically reach out to him any more. Friend commented that communication goes both ways and she was sure D22 would reply to him if he messaged her. I told friend "I think he's too scared to message her in case she doesn't respond". How sad is that?! Reason for sending my story: they do great damage to the relationship with their kids even when they're not in communication, don't they. They know this, and they're sad about it. But they don't do much to fix it. I'm very sorry your adult kids are also having to suffer through this. 

[MadLuv]

Evermore, Gosh, I know. Right?  That positive start lasted an hour …lol
 In my XH case his shame is so high that he makes the least amount of attempt to contact his own kids.  I honestly don’t see him being sad about it like your husband. I wish he was. I think he only sulks about how it affects him. I told him while we were in communication that if he went on another vacation with her kids before his own that would cause damage that can’t be reversed. So, he does it anyways and what does she do? Post and post and post. Brag!!!!!  That is who he married and that is now who he is. He is the ultimate avoidant.

On my last thread I put that I am sad for him. I’m disgustingly sad that HE is ruining his life and humiliating himself with an over the top narcissist materialistic woman and kids. I think we all hope they will see the light and come back in the beginning and I think for me part of my overall sadness is that there is NO WAY I could ever get back with him and I know my kids will never view him the same nor will I  and I think that answers exactly why he is with who he is with and why he is now an absent father. He has said, you will never look at me the same again. He was right. I can’t. Even understanding MLC . It is just to much.

His desire and need to be viewed as someone he clearly is not is greater than the pain he is inflicting on those he once loved.  He is the weakest most selfish emotionally immature man right now. I hate that I see him that way now so clearly. I really thought he hung the moon. I thought he was the sweetest man. Morally wonderful, calm, centered. I think that is why it was so hard to accept. I’m sorry he is so lost, but I think he clearly knows he has a problem. He has told me he doesn’t want to deal with it. HE CANT!!!  As my therapist said. He has had my support for many many years. His kids have tried despite him to stay in his life. He and not any of us are rejecting him. It’s a choice to continue to run and not get help. He doesn’t want to see or talk to anyone from his past, but he definitely wants us there. It’s twisted. Of course my daughter was accurate when she said as long as we are not seen or heard from he can just not deal with his issues.

I am a little grateful to have an OW that is posting her insanity for everyone to see. It kind of validates the mess and superficial life they lead and also shows my kids that this is not who their father was. This is not about them, but like the pain we go through so do their children. As my daughter has said….He is the only father I will ever have, but she is firm that she will never talk or see him again. I do hope he finds a way to turn their relationship around some day.  It does give me anxiety.  I have a lot of anxiety for my son who doesn’t want to talk about it. I think he is in deep pain, but all I can do is tell him that I am there for him and I have reminded him that I don’t want him to internalize his pain and end up where his dad is.

Now… for the positives!!!

I am glad that we are finding ways to have fun and connect with my family and XH family. I am so grateful for his brother. Stepping up and almost being a father presence to them. That alone lets them know that it’s not them. We are going to a NFL game together next month and they are coming back to visit soon. Things could be worse. There is a beautiful life ahead and I am finally looking forward to it. The longer XH is gone the more normal get togethers, holidays become. I still wish none of this happened, but it did.

I can’t change it or wish it away or expect a miracle.  Those days are long gone.  I have accepted that like my D14 passing. There just is nothing we can do about what we can’t control. We lost a daughter and a sister and XH even in that doesn’t appreciate what he had and doesn’t care he is inflicting more pain. I tried to control this situation. I thought I had a wheel to turn to change the direction, but I didn’t. Took me a while to get here.

[toomanytearss]

Following along

[MadLuv]

Little update on XH. He definitely took a new position in another state and got an apartment and moved alone. No communication still with his children. The condo we owned together that he lived with OW and her daughter is not up for sale. They are not living together for now. Maybe just on Saturdays if he commutes or she does?  Just more odd behavior and decisions.  We will see if the condo goes up later.  They may have offered to cover temporary housing and my bet would be he jumped on that for a little space alone. It wont last. OW will not let her meal ticket slip away.

[MadLuv]

Sometime you wonder why me??? And then you slap yourself and say why not. Is someone else deserving of pain and challenges? My sweet dog collapsed Tuesday night. Could not stand on her back legs. Took her to emergency vet and she was diagnosed with sudden ivdd ( disc issues) stage 4. Paralyzed from the waste down. Prognosis is not good, but brought her home on many meds and am trying my best to save her.

I just had a job interview.  A recruiter called and it is with my XH same company of all things. Different state so no issues there and he would never know, but still. Went to the interview and they loved me and said they definitely wanted me. I should be hearing by next week. Problem is that it is an hr drive both ways and way below what I was paid and I now have a extremely disabled dog that needs to be crated and attended to around the clock. She is not even able to pee on her own.

I messaged XH with a screen print of my FB post on the situation. No response. I sent the bill to him with request for 1/2 payment ( which is in our divorce terms) we will see if he pays it. If she recovers it will be a long process and her prognosis is not good. I’m not going to lie. Every time I seem to try and move forward and make huge decisions , well it seems to come with something to know me down.
So, I am trying to not get in the whoa is me mode and just decide on everything using my gut and what it tells me to do.

My son had pool beer olympics here this weekend and I always love watching it, but I think I will miss most this year. I did help set up the outdoor decor before everything happened with my pup, so that was good.

Anyways, not a good update, but in a way it is. I truly have so much going on. I no longer care whether XH cares about anything. I dont have time for him and his issues. I do with that I could catch a break for a hit so I can move on in my life. I pray my pup can make a miraculous recovery. Time again will tell.

[xyzcf]

Our dogs are our family members...perhaps they actually act better than our families!

Oh dear, I am smiling as I had a frig magnet that said " my husband on a good day is what my dog is like everyday!" Perhaps Mr. xyzcf didn't find that amusing......

MadLuv, you have had more than your share of things to cope with, to grieve, to heal from and there is absolutely no need for any "acceptance" of these things. True, we know that they are out of our control, however, 1) having a partner to go through these things certainly helps and 2) there is just so much we can stand.....and then it's time for us to take a time out.

I have always loved the phrase "if you share your joys they are doubled and when you share your sorrows, they are halved"....as you know, most of us here struggle sometimes a lot, sometimes not so much.....I do not feel the "wholeness" I once felt...there is an area of "me" that has shut down, turned off, malfunctioned but the good thing is we survive..sometimes we thrive...we are able to stand still in the storm because this too shall pass.


Big HUGGGGS!!! Please let us know how your pup is. There are many animal lovers here.

[JohnnyBravo]

OH, MadLuv, I'm so sorry about your pup! Dogs are such great friends.

Fingers crossed for the job, though. Would the company have anything closer you could transfer to once you settle in? I also suspect it's easier to find another job when you already have one, so maybe this will at least get the momentum going.

Hugs,

JB

[MadLuv]

Thank you XYZCF- they are family. She is my bested bud. It’s heartbreaking
JB- I cant take the job with her like this. She has to have her bladder expressed every 4-6 hours. Cant walk. It has changed everything. The location is the closest to my home also, but still and hour away. Just bad timing. I feel like something bigger than me is working against me or working for me in a very bad way that is going to be better somehow and I can’t see it