[Treasur]

No need to reply for me/us. These are questions for your own reflection. Share if it helps but it’s ok if you’d rather not too.

[KayDee]

KD, in the past the conception was that men cheated more than women. Well, recent statistics show that this changed and is a close 50/50.

Perhaps, but this situation is so much more than cheating, don't you think? Cheating is not a complete smashing to smithereens of the relationship. It is a really, really hard part of what happens, but the complete change of character, the cruel behaviours, the discarding and abandonment. And then the mad cycling that makes you feel like you are insane (and so it goes on), these are the reasons we go looking for answers and find each other here. I would work out what the deal was with the cheating in about an afternoon. This though, I am still asking WTF!?! So is everyone else I know.

[xyzcf]

In many cases as well, the MLCer turns their back on their children...so I agree, the cheating is a "symptom"...one of the many things they use to try and fill the emptiness, to feel something, anything...it did hurt me to my very core...but there is so much more in the changes in him beyond his cheating..and as KayDee stated, it is hard for us to get a handle on the ups ad downs and things that make no sense at all.

[mcm64d]

In many cases as well, the MLCer turns their back on their children...so I agree, the cheating is a "symptom"...one of the many things they use to try and fill the emptiness, to feel something, anything...it did hurt me to my very core...but there is so much more in the changes in him beyond his cheating..and as KayDee stated, it is hard for us to get a handle on the ups ad downs and things that make no sense at all.

And not that I am an expert by any means, but the idea is to get past and live life. The problem with that is to do so not only takes time but also closure. The problem with that is to get closure you have to understand the change in life but there is no way to do that with irrational people.....so the circle seems to go. I struggle daily!!

[xyzcf]

but the idea is to get past and live life. The problem with that is to do so not only takes time but also closure.

When someone dies, there is closure. Maybe some people here find "closure" and the things we talk about might help.

Yet still, there are memories, dreams ( I just had one the other night) and the lasting changes in us that this trauma has caused.

I accept, there will never be closure....of course, he is still in my life so it might be, that if you never see them again..I don't know. That is not my experience.

"Get past and live life" ...yes.  It happens in stages, it can take more time than anyone would have thought it could. And I don't think you can push yourself to get it done, to detach, to let go, to live your life. Leaning in to our own pain, learning and going inside ourself and acceptance of what has happened....building brick by brick a "new" you and acceptance of a new life that was never your choice or in your control.

Not everyone has the same experience. I did not recognize myself for a very long time. I would question why this felt so wrong, so hard..he is after all "only a man" and not a very good man at that.....

And so yes, live your life AND live it as though they are never coming back...letting go of the "waiting for them to come to their senses" requires so much energy and perhaps stops us from seeing all the other things that are possible in life.

I really don't think it can be rushed......all the "advice" and techniques do not answer the basic question..what this did to our hearts.

Trust yourself...trust that you know what you need to do that is best for yourself and your family and for her (if that matters to you..it does for me)....listening to your inner voice and what feels right is genrally what is right for you and your healing.

[Treasur]

I could have almost written word for word what Xyzcf wrote even though our circumstances were/are different.
I’m not sure I have ever found what I would call closure as such. But I did find acceptance and a kind of peace despite that, so I know it is possible. But it took a lot longer than I thought it would and it rather crept up on me as opposed to arriving with a big Ta-Dah.

[Biscuit]

And again, a new male LBS with a live-in wife. Is it me or the statistics are changing ? In the oldest archives, most of the LBS (from far) were wives, and now there are more and more husbands. Are there explanations of this trend ?

Possibly that men, seeing other men here, feel more comfortable. That makes most sense to me. That and the, positive, shift of men increasingly being more at ease sharing feelings these days.

Nail on the head KD, I think its a shift in men being aware of their feelings and of that being considered more acceptable and (GASP) maybe preferable to the previous status quo.

Reading back in the archives (as many of us do when we land here I'm sure) the early days of this board were predominately straight females with male MLCers. That bias seems to have shifted over the years to include more male and same sex couple LBS's. I think that shows that MLC is not something which is gender or sexual preference specific, rather that other groups of LBS have felt more comfortable seeking out information and posting. Progress!

[keepfighting]

I'm still doing a lot of reading on this forum, I will need time to process all this information so I may be speaking out of line here.

I found reference to HeartsBlessing thread in Bax's story.
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1448.0

She has an interesting take on the MLC. One of the things I still need to get my head around is: everyone is talking about the LBS's recovery needs to start with (post the BD period and once you more or less stabilise your situation) the mirror-work and analysing and finding yourself and make changes so you become a better person. On the other hand you keep hearing that the MLC crisis has nothing to do with you or with your marriage.

That begs the question: if I'm not causing the crisis, why do I need to self-analyse? Is this needed to force you to rebuild yourself after the destruction?

HB's thread describes this nightmare as for the MLCer this is a crisis and for the LBS it is a journey. Provided the LBS realises in time what he/she is faced with (3-6 months from BD) and obviously if the decision taken is to stand and try to save the marriage, the two situations are intertwined and the LBS will have a very important role in guiding or helping the MLCer recover, through his own actions, that need to be consistent over time. Well I understand it's much more complex than this.

What's are your views on why is working on Self so important?

[keepfighting]

In many cases as well, the MLCer turns their back on their children...so I agree, the cheating is a "symptom"...one of the many things they use to try and fill the emptiness, to feel something, anything...it did hurt me to my very core...but there is so much more in the changes in him beyond his cheating..and as KayDee stated, it is hard for us to get a handle on the ups ad downs and things that make no sense at all.

This is so true. In my case so much is going on her life outside our family that I don't even know if I can or want to keep up with. She's like living almost a completely parallel life to ours, even when she is physically at home, she spends a lot of time on her phone chatting to her partners she found on dating sites. It really feels like she was abducted by alliens as someone here said.

[keepfighting]

Here is one answer to why self changes are needed.
Source: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1448.msg83040#msg83040

I accepted that anything that my H did - had very little to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with him.  I decided that I could not take my H's crisis personally.  I also decided - that if there were ever a hope of reconciliation - I needed to make some MAJOR changes within myself.

These changes included forgiveness, unconditional love, letting go of anger, and becoming a little selfish....i.e. GALing.  (I have to admit the GALing was the EASIEST part).