You know, all this time I was not sure what 'high energy replay' or 'low energy wallower' meant. People used those terms and I was always perplexed. But now that I've seen the two things appear before my eyes, I get it completely.
My H is here, has been since Wed. Last time he was here at Xmas he was wild eyed, couldn't sit still, edgy and cold, couldn't wait to get of here, checking his phone in the bathroom etc.
Since Wed, he sits around, has been hugging and kissing on kids, is super low energy, has let me know he wants to work on our marriage and does not want a divorce or to break up and understands that that means fidelity and commitment. He is without question, clinically depressed. At least he now admits that he is. He has also apologized for his actions at Xmas. I asked him if he'd had an affair/affairs - and he denies it. But later when pressed, he said 'there's nothing you need to know.' I told him if he was involved with anyone, or if there was a woman out there pulling him away from his family with texts etc. he can no longer be in touch with them if he wants me. I have a massive thing about secrets and lies because of my own dad's affair. He agreed. He no longer takes his phone to the bathroom I've noticed or even sits with it the same way as before. We will see. We have kissed and hugged and he's said I love you. Last night we slept in the same bed - first time since September.
Now, all of you battle scarred vets on here are going to tell me - i think - hold on, there's more crazy coming down the pike! this is NOT over! Don't believe what he says! and yes, I get that. Thank you!
Right now it feels like I'm living with a stroke victim. He appears to feel little, moves slowly, and seems uncomfortable in his own skin. He is catatonic but weirdly also restless. He will almost def leave again at some point soon, altho he ok'ed me making plans with kids for a family overnight in 2 weeks. I think he really is taking it day by day. The reality of raising these two kids in a foreign country (that he does not like living in- but to be fair hasn't made much of an attempt at) will likely make him feel like he needs to escape again. And yes, I realize, that once back over there, he will possibly (maybe even likely?) reconnect with an AP for sympathy, comfort, dopamine or whatever. I am taking it day by day. If it comes to that, if he seems dodgy and secretive or vanishes, I will likely pull the plug on this. It's v hard.
During our long 2 hour talk on Friday while kdis were at school, the culmination seems to be that he does not want to lose me or this marriage etc. It was more that he was saying I don't want to lose you than he was choosing me, if that makes sense. I told him we have to move in one direction or another - working on a marriage or working on a separation agreement/divorce. I will not live in limbo anymore where I feel like I'm auditioning to be his wife - a role i won long ago. So, he said, I want to work on it. And so that's what is kind of happening now.
He does not want to take medication but we will continue to talk about that. I know that exercise can be v effective if done nonstop 30-40 mins a day, according to experts. I am not going to push too much but keep encouraging. He was a personal trainer for heaven's sake! and now he just sits around - the doctor who spoke at my group last night - topic was depression which was well timed - (i go to a divorce care group on Fridays and I went last night anyway) said that a sedentary lifestyle feeds depression like petrol feeds a car.
H took my D to volleyball practice just now and she was over the moon that he was going with her and sat with my son for an hour on the sofa this am hugging and kissing him watching the you tube pranks my son likes. They are over the moon he is here, and they are better off for it. He is being polite and low level affectionate to me - he never initiates any hugs or kisses with me and I am trying not to go too hard on that - he seems startled by them - but he responds when I initiate.
I wish I had more solid info, but i do know that i am on a journey and it is far from over. I am trying to keep two parallel paths open in my mind: one is that we reconcile and start to rebuild slowly and move back to London where he has a chance of getting things together (his work contacts are there and he feels much more at home being Turkish, has close friends, and also closer to his family), I also have contacts there for work and lots of friends so it's not bad for me to contemplate either, but also a scenario in which I move alone with the kids to a place in the country like in Tennessee or Arkansas (my BF lives in Bentonville), and write a book about surviving/thriving during your H's MLC.
Living in a liminal space like this is hard, but lots of people do this every day. My friend has had Stage IV colon cancer for 4 years now, she was given 6 months to live initially. She gets up every day to go to work, calls her kids at college, and just started a new trial at UCSF (she has run out of options re traditional chemo - 16 rounds). She lives day by day. She's written a book and hopes to be alive for her book tour in June. Every day she holds on to two realities. That is my calling right now I think. Thanks to all of you, I am not rushing blindly into this with him, assuming we are all set because he's expressed that he wants to keep his family. Thanks to you, and all the collective wisdom, I know that this is a bend in the road, and it's a long road ahead.
I can say honestly that if it were not for my children, I would prob walk away. I don't get enough from him, he is such hard work, and he has broken our marriage and trust. But, there is a part of me that believes in 'sickness and in health' and I can see with my eyes how sick he is. He sobbed the other day in bed after we'd been affectionate. He turned his back and cried. He is a shell of the man he once was - the strongest and without a doubt the bravest man I'd ever met. That is the truth. I want to help him get better, for him and for my kids.
Time will reveal when my limits are reached. And this time, if we break, I don't think it will be fueled by fury, it will be a sad acceptance of the fact that he cannot continue on this journey with me and I can no longer carry him. And I will forgive him for that too.
All thoughts from this beautiful community gratefully appreciated. thank you!