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So an just an update. I continue to struggle with frustration at the slow progress and trying to figure out what the heck is going on.
Thanksgiving came and went smoothly. He stayed for several days in a row.
He stays, he seems content, we don't fight, he talks about things like replacing the fence at the house and other projects that have to be done. We watch TV shows together. If you walked through our house, you would never know that he has "moved out." He leaves clothes on his side of the bed. His closet is full. His dresser has stuff on it. His office has all his stuff, his bike is in the garage. He actually doesn't use another address. So basically, he has the RV that he goes and stays at a few nights a week. Insurance enrollment just happened and he asked me for input on any changes and didn't make any moves to separate me.
He had my daughter wrap gifts, and she said Mom--all the gifts are for you. He brought me some supplements to help with shoulder pain. When I'm not home, he asks where I am. However, he doesn't like to tell me anything that is going on with him. Often, I think its just because he wants to be in control and not because it is something that is nefarious. Usually when he away, he still stays in contact--sends me texts and responds to things that I send or ask. Many times I have decided I won't reach out to him first (trying to go a little dim) and he always will bridge the gap.
Changes that occur to women in their late 40's have been hitting me hard this last six months. I struggle with not sleeping well, and therefore fatigue. I am having trouble with working out because of injuries--this is after doing fairly similar workouts for the entire year previous to that without any issues other than normal soreness. It's hard to be in this situation when I want to feel and look my best and I'm struggling to workout and feel like my body is falling apart. I am taking many different vitamins and supplements, try to eat good whole food, drink water, limit alcohol, exercise, and get sleep...so I feel like I am doing my part.
While I am intent on my stand, I do still struggle with making decisions based on what I think he is going to do or say. For example, I was asked to attend a conference for work in April. This whole thing blew up when I came back from a work conference two years ago, so I think I have some association between the two. I am trying to move past that, but I haven't yet told him of my plans to attend. It has always been the case that he could leave without worrying about anything, but I have to make sure that everything is taken care of if I have to go somewhere. Part of me wonders if he will also associate the trip with what happened before--I suspect that when I was gone before was when he crossed the line with OW.
From all my reading and processing, I know that while I may have been able to make different choices in the past, I also know that his choices were his alone. They were choices--although he has tried to blame them on me. However, I still feel somewhat stuck in limbo. I wonder if he does feel like I am an obligation, but nothing more.
I do believe see evidence of stages--his behavior has changed through this. I've read that he will come through this or he won't. I've been in the dark for almost this entire thing (although I am extremely observant of behavior and habits). DOES WHAT I DO MATTER?
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) so I can sympathize... 