[Biscuit]

Akkie,

My W said similar to me, OM probably won’t last (no $h!te Sherlock). But he can be a fun new friend for our kids! Yeah right, so if he’s not going be hanging around then why even introduce him?
Suffice to say he was gone within a fortnight of that statement and his “integration” into our family.

MLC logic eh?

[Songanddance]

Unfortunately the affair is still going on after three years.

If it's any reassurance Akkie - My H's affair lasted 3.5 yrs and then fizzled out gradually.

[toomanytearss]

The new year is here.  I started it with a messed up leg and a pretty heavy case of the flu.  UGH!!!  I'm still not recovered.  I'm still very weak and spent all of the holidays in bed sick.  I did get xmas eve with some of the family before I got sick - or should I say before I knew I was sick.  My son didn't make it for the holiday because my little grandson was sick, so I dropped his gifts and dinner to him and his wife at their house. 

My brother did not come for the holiday.  That was good because I was sick anyway and I'm not happy with him.

I was super proud of his now x girlfriend and how she handled everything.  Girl took her power back!  She waited until her repairs on her home were finished, just played along knowing everything she knows, and when her house was finished she waited for my brother to leave for the morning and packed her stuff and left.  She is staying out of town and when she got to her destination she texted him to never contact her again. 

Can you believe he was shocked?  LOL  He didn't even know she had moved out.  He called me all upset and not understanding.  I just said well that's what you wanted right?  He refused to admit to his affairs.  I let him know that I know, not how, but that I know and even threw out a name of one of his side pieces.  His response was it's not what I think it is.  My response was oh yes it is.  And to please not lie to himself. 

He, of course, is trying to twist it all around.  I'm just not playing into his narrative.  I'm not being mean to him, but I'm not listening to his bs or feeling one bit sorry for him.  And his x has not responded to anything from him.  She's a rock.  She's so hurt but I'll tell you she is standing strong.  I'm so sorry she is going through this pain.  She is such a good person.  No matter what she will always be a part of my family. 

My brother is all over the place.  Started out boo hooing about how he made a horrible mistake.  Which transformed into excuses of they were having problems, but he doesn't want to say anything bad about her, to saying bad things about her, to accusing her of being crazy - and on and on and back and forth.  From being a victim himself, to her plotting against him to how stupid he is.  LOL  The only thing I continue to agree with him on is that he's stupid.  LOL

It's really not funny.  It's a horrible situation for her, his x. 

But here's some input from the mlc xh -
I know you are upset with your brother, but I hope you will keep the lines of communication open with him.  What he has done is very bad, but he needs someone he can trust to talk to.  He's as messed up as me. 

Really?  I'm certainly not tossing him to the curb, but I'm not going to play into and listen to his bs excuses for his bad choices and bad behavior.  I guess they just see themselves as the victim and they need some kind of coddling.  Ridiculous!!! 

[Dragonfly33]

Well done tmt for not consenting to your brother’s bad behavior. These people need to be called out. It reminded me of my xh while having an affair, he started telling families from his side and our mutual friends that I was the problem and that’s why he was leaving me. All the while he was planning a holiday with his ex gf that became his ow. And yet up to this day he still acts like a victim.

[FaithWalker]

I'm so sorry about your health problems tmt.  I hope that you recover soon!

Thank you for sharing about your brother's x.  I hope her life is so joyful moving forward.

[toomanytearss]

I didn't want to take over Songanddance's thread.  There was a question about what it looks like to reconcile/reconnect.  I wanted to address that if I could.  I think each person's situation will be different.  Can you consider letting go of the past and being friends and good parents reconciling even if you each continue separate lives.  I absolutely think that is a form of reconciling.  I mean we were friends as well as spouses.  So becoming friends again and working through the past in my opinion is for sure reconciling.  Just not the romantic kind. 

Also, I think each way of reconciling is different.  Some people go all in,  move in together and work through it the best they can.  Some people take their time, keep some space and work through it that way.  Some trying to reconcile with have a LBS sitting on the fence.  (That's me btw)  So boundaries are very strong and it takes more time and a lot of patience.  (To some that may seem like wasted time, but to me not so much.)

Do I consider my x and I reconciled.  Yes.  But not in the traditional sense.  We have come a long way.  We are good to each other.  Our kids come first.  We help each other out and we are friends.  We get along and spend time together when we can. 

I see that as us being reconciled.  We have put the past behind us for the most part and there is forgiveness and kindness.  I am happy with this type of reconciliation and so is he.  Yes, he would like to progress to more but I'm still fence sitting.  And he understands that. 

Of course, I dreamed of having a romantic reconciliation, as most of us do.  Where x would come out of MLC and rush to my door and want to come home and I would welcome him with open arms.  That is a beautiful dream but it's not my reality.  And I'm ok with that. 

I would rather take many years to evolve into a romantic type thing naturally from shared respect and care and understanding of each other.  If that happens.  I have this second chance at living life on more of my terms.  And I'm not interested in rushing into anything. 

So to sum up - I believe there are several different kinds of reconciliations.  It doesn't just have to be a romantic reconciliation or restoring the marriage type thing.  Sometimes it doesn't even have to be with your SO.  Maybe you are reconciling with yourself.  That can be a pretty great path of reconciling too. 

I understand in the context here of reconciliation threads it is for the purpose of reconciling the relationship.  I was speaking in general, not just in regards to here. 

[MadLuv]

Hope you are feeling better.  Man, bravo to your SIL. Whoaaaaaa!!! That is hard to do. I can remember when my X left and I did the quick divorce. Looking back I still dont know how I did it. The rollercoaster came later

I love that you have a reconciliation as a friendship with “ who knows what can happen” I would love just a friendship for my kids sake and that was always the plan before OWife squashed our chance at that.  I think any type of resemblance of a family is always better.

Thanks for the update!!

[xyzcf]

I agree toomanytears. It might not be possible in the early years to have this type of relationship, but if the LBSer is open to it, some MLCers will desire time with them and the family.

It is hard, when the LBS wants more and some find it easier to cut them out of their lives forever and completely.

Remaining open to all possibilities is a good plan.

My husband has always been what I guess we call a "clinging boomeranger". Talking with my therapist concerning whether or not I should allow him to see us ...and I have written this here before ....she said I can change my mind from one day to the next. I can choose to see him or not...that really is up to me.

And so I have always said "yes" to him.

Sometimes we use the word "doormat"  to indicate that there is something "wrong" with allowing the MLCer to share any of our lives...or "have their cake and eat it too". These phrases are not helpful as they might cause the LBSer to think there is something weak or wrong with her/him to "allow" this.

It takes a great deal of strength, forgiveness, understanding and love to show a MLCer this type of response...for someone that has caused much pain...but it can also alleviate any fear of being in their company and gave me the ability to feel healed because his presence doesn't throw me into a "state" the way it once did.

My studying of many years about MLC has me convinced that he did not choose to go into a crisis....and that the idea that a crisis is the mother of depressions helped me to see him in a different light.

it's been a long time...over 14 years and there are changes in him but we live very different lives. We enjoy one another, he confides many things in me still and I feel acceptance has been the key for me to be much happier than I once was.

But, as we always say, everyone deals with this in their own way and does what is right for them and their situation. There is no one size fits all.

[Reinventing]

It is hard, when the LBS wants more and some find it easier to cut them out of their lives forever and completely.

And sometimes the MLCer has married and even had children with another person. This can change things for some LBS since they want to respect that marriage and have boundaries on engaging with a married man, even if it is an XH.

As an LBS, I'm super sensitive to attempts to encroach on other relationships. If I even get a whiff of someone trying to get too close to me--especially if they complain about their spouse--I shut that down right away. I do that in a lot more direct and pointed way than I would have in the past. In my head I'm saying, buddy, you just tried the wrong thing with the wrong person. You have no idea. Lol

[MadLuv]

My XH is married. That has stopped our friendship. In ways Inunderstand it and in others I think that there should always be respect for the mother or father of your spouses children. My XH OWife is not in any way normal. If she was I think we could all be friends, honestly. If. We divorced and he picked her and chose to continue to pick her in front of me then their would be not reason for jealousy or insecurities. That is a healthy break up of a marriage and healthy statt of a new marriage. IMHO