[Standing Strong]

Just curious..... is the LBS immune to having a transition like our spouses?

I know about reading a few cases about the LBS being pushed into crisis, but these seem very rare. More often the LBS goes into non-crisis transition and the MLC'er flips out and breaks (I'm talking about the rare LBS transition cases).

This process is a mind-job to say the least... I was even questioning in those early months "Did I have an MLT? Did I kick all this off??"...... In the end I've come to the conclusion, no I didn't have an MLT. I was a workaholic and that's it...... AND my W had entered her stealth emotional cutoff (and I didn't know) for those 4 years leading up to BD. All that together made life very confusing and difficult to understand the last few years.

So...... Do we (the LBS's) go into transition ourselves, or does the emotional shock of BD "cure" us of our ills by making us face our problems and shortcomings all on it's own? It is called the "awakening" after all.
I guess a follow-on question to that is: Do you fear getting pushed into crisis by the MLC'ers crisis? They say that we attract one another based on our brokenness, that would imply we are both at equal risk for an MLC....... I know when I talked to my SIL, she was deathly afraid that it could happen to her after seeing her mom and now sister fall to it (and her H too).
For me, I'm a little concerned at times. There has been days where there's a mental pressure on my brain and I'm like "Nope, you're not going to get me"..... that and the idea that I'm too strong for that to happen to me...... but weren't all our spouses "strong"? I thought my W was bulletproof. She had a past, sure.... but she wasn't some weakling, she was tough and smart.
I know lots of people (LBS's) have mental breakdowns, but these aren't MLC they are mental/nervous breakdowns.

Are we immune?

-SS

[OffRoad]

Immune from what, I guess I'd ask. I've seen some LBS's that if not in a full blown MLC after BD, came darned close. I see some that STILL look like they are having their own MLC. JMO, though. I don't think anyone is immune, but we may or may not be prone to whatever sends people into mlc/mlt (and I'll have my BLT with mustard on wheat, please. Extra L.). Some people handle stress better than others. Some are more or less emotional than others. Some have anxiety they cannot handle well. Some see the glass as full even when it is empty. Some have anger issues. Whatever our personality makeup, there is also the physiological side of our makeup. Each person's package helps to determine what they will do with the situation they face. It seems to me that there is no immunity to that, but there is the choice to help yourself (whether with friends, therapy, exercise, etc) if you can do so.

I have no concept of what it would be like to abandon my family. I can't imagine walking away without trying. If some kind of whatever was set off in my body that would allow me to do such a thing, how could I stop it if it just happened and I didn't know it happened?

You say you were a workaholic. Were you always a workaholic, or did you become one because your wife was in stealth emotional cutoff and your were coping as best you could because you could feel on some level something was off, but you didn't know what? I know I knew something was off with my H, but he kept denying it. I also know I started behaving differently because I didn't understand what was going on. I felt like something was off, but he kept insisting he was fine (lying/gaslighting). Was I having an MLT because I wasn't behaving like myself? Or was I simply putting forth the best defense I had against a false situation? Is it still an MLT if you were heading for the transition as a matter of course due to the time in your life (children leaving the nest, getting older, wanting to do things that you could not with small children, etc).

No one is bulletproof, imo. Some of us carry frying pans to deflect the bullets, though.

[Whyus]

I dont think anybody is immune, most People who are in crisis seem to have FOO issues but im sure that People without FOO issues can go into crisis too.
I dont think that im having some Kind of MLC or MLT, I have taken up new Hobbys and I travel more, attend more concerts than I used to but that is just what I (and XW) had been planning to do for years when the Kids are grown up. She jumped ship but my plans stayed in takt and im carrying them out without her. Its that simple really.

I think that it is quite normal for People in ML to start "living" again when the Kids reach a certain age. Why shouldnt they? I certainly didnt do much for Whyus as the Kids were growing up, I was for the Kids 100% and so was XW. Sure we had Hobbies, we played in a band together and also were an "unplugged" duo in the Pub Scene. I played Guitar and she sang which she did REALLY WELL!
Sometimes I miss the "on stage" Version of XW if im honest, she really was a star but I dont think that we will be sharing a stage again somehow 

[Treasur]

I have certainly experienced my own 'crisis' in reaction to events - depression, PTSD - that I had never experienced before in my life. But it had none of the markers of MLC imho and I wouldn't describe it as such. Didn't have FOO issues, none of the rage and if anything more empathy than i started with lol. I think most LBS do suffer some level of situational 'crisis' bc tbh your life gets upended without your choice doesn't it?

[AlvinTheMaker]

I don't feel any of us are immune. Maybe some of us are better equipped to deal with life's challenges (dysfunctional FOO anyone, LOL).   I never believed I could have mental crashdown. But after BD I did crash and burn.

Those reading my story know I've been pondering whether or not I've had my MLC or MLT before all this. Because the stories W says I have done in past decade contain pieces the current me simply doesn't understand.  I don't think it would be MLC as I remember loving her (and I actually have got some proof of that), I did not have the need to run away from her.  It is way more likely that I was a) emotionally immature,  b) selfish/stupid,  c) and operating under some medical condition (see my today's journal on serotonine syndrome https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11031.msg738910#msg738910).  There is no simple answer or bloodtest to say what causes us to behave the way we do; we just have to accept past as past; and focus on building better present and future.

But I think I'm definitely going through MLT of some sorts, as a consequence / follow up of her crisis...  For the first time in my life I'm conciously spending a lot of time thinking what I am, what I want to become, what I will be remembered.  That is me looking at the mirror and doing my mirror work... Last night I gave up on the expectation of one more child.  That if anything is concrete reminder that I'm middle-aged. No more kids (at least with W as the physical clock is ticking for her).. At the same vein I no longer feel older than I truly am (I used to be  one of those guys with one foot on the grave).  I don't either feel or desire to be any younger than I am.   I feel perfectly fine being as old as I am. Maybe partially this links up to all this excercice, and becoming fitter and more healthy, living a more healthy life, than ever before.

[Silver]

No we are not immune. I recognize going probably trough some kind of MLT myself and believe that every person does one way or another.
MLC is totally different case though, even MLT is core of it too.

 

[Helpingme!]

I agree with Silver.
I think I went off the tracks for about a year after BD. Then I said this is not me. I have kids to raise.

[Disillusioned]

In hindsight, I think I had an MLT or something before STBXW went off the rails.

It was certainly contributing to general unhappiness in our marriage.  I was depressed about something, and spent my time buried in the Playstation, or fighting about politics with people on FB and Twitter.  Those people included her and members of her family.  I was just itching for an argument all the time.  Years of very little intimacy, I believe, brought me to that point, but we both had issues with communication and were conflict avoidant.

Oddly, we say that hitting rock bottom will often times pull people out of MLC.  Well, hearing she wanted a D and finding out about OM tore me right out of depression.  Of course, it put me into an entirely different state, but that general malaise was gone...

[megogirl]

Well MLC has been described as "male menopause."  I'd have to agree with this assessment!

Because speaking as someone going through it, I do see many similarities.  Only major difference is I don't believe menopausal women Monster (that was PMS) - and our eyes don't turn black!

[Standing Strong]

It sounds like (from the responses) that we are able to "see" our own MLT once the MLC'er goes off the rails and are able to deal with it much better than otherwise.

Maybe that's not immunity, but it's a lot better than being clueless. 

I do find myself looking at other people's problems and checking it against what I know about MLC by default now (LOL).

-SS

[Finding Joy]

It was my understanding that much like the teenage years, we all go through a form of MLT at some point.  It only becomes a crises if we do not deal with our baggage, and who knows what else causes it.  I personally think you are right, we as LBS are forced to deal with our baggage and so long as we do, I would think it would keep many from an MLC.  Then again, if we cannot handle it(the MLC), it probably pushes some in to their own MLC.

I remember the day that I consciously decided I had to chose my kids.  That my h was not worth me having a mental breakdown.  I slowly dug my way out of the darkness because I knew my kids needed me.  I’m not sure how dark it would have gotten for me if I did not have young kids to draw me out.

[Standing Strong]

It was my understanding that much like the teenage years, we all go through a form of MLT at some point.  It only becomes a crises if we do not deal with our baggage, and who knows what else causes it.  I personally think you are right, we as LBS are forced to deal with our baggage and so long as we do, I would think it would keep many from an MLC.  Then again, if we cannot handle it(the MLC), it probably pushes some in to their own MLC.

I remember the day that I consciously decided I had to chose my kids.  That my h was not worth me having a mental breakdown.  I slowly dug my way out of the darkness because I knew my kids needed me.  I’m not sure how dark it would have gotten for me if I did not have young kids to draw me out.

That's super awesome!!! A (real) mom does anything for her kids..... don't mess with momma bear.
The H in me made me pick myself up and start dealing me me as I want to fight.... in this fight the only thing which can be done is to be the lighthouse, and if my light goes out it's all over. In that analogy, if we get hit my MLT, I think our light dims while we repair everything.... and as we change our light grows brighter. Do they see it and come home? That's up to them. I bet the bright light attracts other travelers as well....... my neon sign says "No vacancy" in bright letters. 

-SS

[Finding Joy]

SS,  haha!  Good point!!! 

[One day at a time]

I actually think I was having an MLT or something along those lines a few months before BD1, I certainly was going through "something". I turned 40 and it affected me more than I thought it would.. I started wondering if "Is this all there is to life?" I was very unhappy in work, I struggled to get out of bed every morning. I hated corporate life and I wanted a change. I fantasized about a different life, moving to a hot country and having a simpler life.. I never thought about abandoning H but to this day I don't know how he fitted in this dream I was building in my head..  H was traveling quite a bit for work and I found myself very lonely, I became very negative, couldn't see anything good about my life.

6 months later...  BD! I guess that gave me something else to worry about because even though H didn't leave immediately and we were still a "couple", things were very different and I lived in fear he would run away. Nothing better to make you appreciate your life when it's all hanging from a thread, right? And then he eventually ran and my world came crashing down and I think I got into a different type of crisis..

So was I going through MLT before BD or was that the beginning of my own MLC? I don't know.. I think overall I have much better coping skills and emotional intelligence than H ever did so I want to believe I would have never gotten to a full crisis. His MLC has certainly made me look inside and discover a lot of things about myself and my marriage.. The interesting thing is that I'm still in the corporate world and I'm actually enjoying it. The negativity is gone because now I truly appreciate what I have. And even more interesting is the fact that I actually have a good opportunity to move to a hot country with a good job and I'm not even considering it.. Because I understand that what I had in my head before was a fantasy and real life doesn't work like that.. Maybe I would enjoy the weather more but the price would be to leave my friends, my house and the life I have built for 20 years in this country behind.. It's a very high price to pay for a fantasy, isn't it? Unfortunately the MLCers don't think that way. 

[Anjae]

Everyone goes through midlife transition. Not everyone goes through midlife crisis.

We are not immune. Several LBS have had their MLC, I'm one of them. It is not uncommon.

[Kitty]

I had a mild MLT for about 2 years before BD. I had actually been coming out of it a few months before BD hit. It never got to crisis level with me, I'm thankful for that. I don't envy what Grumpy is going through regardless of what's been done.