https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20220311-the-complicated-truth-of-post-traumatic-growthPost traumatic growth is “the idea that many people not only recover from life-shattering events, but also experience a positive transformation in their values, actions and relationships. “
Trauma shatters your worldview and disrupts your core beliefs. And post-traumatic growth, at least theoretically, is the result of you trying to put your worldview back together in a way that incorporates that traumatic event. You come out the other side looking different in some way.”
But “in some cases, this narrative around the potential to grow could be oppressive. It creates the expectation that not only do I have to recover from what happened to me, but apparently, I'm supposed to become better than ever before.” And this pressure, he thinks, could lead to worse mental health outcomes for some individuals.” I feel like I was more myself outwardly several years ago when I was told I didn’t have long to live. Maybe that gave me the courage to really be me. Then as the fear of having to reconstruct an entire life from scratch completely alone took over, the scared me became the me that took over. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m actually fearless in a lot of ways that I don’t think many people recognize as fearless.)
I am different under my current circumstances, but the core parts of me are still there. How we show up in the world does change with circumstances. When you know that the You that people see isn’t the You that really is, you feel very unseen. But I’ve had a pretty interesting life, I have some pretty interesting thoughts and even have some wisdom gleaned from my interesting life to share, I’m interested in what people think and feel - if anyone ever decides to get to know me, they’ll see that.
Someone was recently telling me about an 80-year-old woman they admire, a widow who has faced a lot of adversity and doesn’t have a lot, but who embraces the simple moments of her life. They said, “She has no wisdom to share but her way of life is wisdom.“ I was really very taken with that statement and it stayed with me long after they said it. I have nothing to offer to anyone, I’m no one’s inspiration, I just hope that at least one person will see past the surface and see what I am rather than what I’m not or what I don’t have, maybe even see the fearlessness in me that most people don’t recognize.
Bottom line: IMO I think when we feel alone and so low after BD there’s a lot of pressure to be the Phoenix rising from the ashes, to prove to others that we are in fact worthy, that our lives are impressive, that someone, or many someones, will love us and want us and choose us, etc. (and under that pressure, we sometimes might even make choices or take actions to prove ourselves to the world - or let’s be honest, to our MLCers - rather than doing them because it’s what we truly want or need.) And it might be freeing to realize that you don’t have to emerge from this, or any other traumatic life experience(s), as a completely triumphant, ass kicking superhero. You just have to emerge and go on. Growth means different things to different people. Knowing what it means for you and living in a way that’s true to that is growth in itself.
🎶
https://youtu.be/0xrZ61cuKLkFurther we go
And older we grow
The more we know
The less we show 🎶
“The desire to be loved is the last illusion. Give it up and you will be free.” ~Margaret Atwood
You can either be consumed or forged. It’s up to you; the fire doesn’t care either way.