Skip to main content

Author Topic: Mirror-Work Return Stories Part Three

K
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1342
  • Gender: Female
Mirror-Work Return Stories Part Three
#60: May 17, 2020, 04:26:09 AM
I have 2.   
After major issues fighting and monster The couple was d  (bitter d) and sold their home. Years go by ,(many woman) with some contact.  Some time in this period  he had an awakening , as he said to himself  "what am I doing with my life .Im almost 60."  No change in him such as self reflection. ( I know this because I ran in to him and was talking about my h to him ) (long story) Then he returns to her apt because he has no where else to go. He did not pay much to live there. He was partying and coming home drunk.  They were just roomates at this time.  She decided to change and get her life in order. She moved out of apt and got a new one.  About 6months later , he decided to change. Not long after she got an apology email.  A few months later, his brother suddenly died and she was there by his side.  From then they started going to dinners and hang out.  I guess you can say they are reconnecting. They had been friends since high school. This is probably over the course of 6-7 yrs.  No kids.


2nd one.   Same old story as most. He fell in " love" with someone else. D quickly. He moved in with ow. He was more of a clinging boomerang. After many break ups with ow , each time wanting to go back to his family and wife ( well ex) crying saying he messed up and such but would be right back with other woman. She held her ground each time , she knew he wasnt ready. I think its been about a year since ow was out of picture , still asking his wife to come back. Still not wanting him back. He is always going to the house , almost everyday. Fixing things and what not. I dont know where this will lead as she says she has no feelings for him.  married young.  4 kids  he blew off while out having fun.  This has been about 6-7 years.
  • Logged

K
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1342
  • Gender: Female
Return Stories Part Three
#61: August 28, 2020, 03:32:39 AM
This story is opposite;;
  The ow.
My sister  has a bf that was with a guy for 10 years.  As I remember the story this guy came in to my sisters bf life out of the blue.  he got in contact with her after working with her in her 20s. She was in her 40s  now, and said to her that he always thought about her and missed her from all the years ago. I dont know if they dated back then. Any how before I knew anything about mlc < i thought wow. Bf would say  how crazy the "wife" was and so on. Bf told me they started dating and her Guy was getting a d from the crazy wife. (which he did)  He then moved 6 hours away where they would commute and see each other in weekends.  This going on for years. Ten years later, bf lost her job to covid and wants to make permanent plans with him.   This is when he tells her , he doesnt know what he wants.  He ends it.  After I knew about mlc, I pegged him as an mlcer but not dare say a word to anyone.   Case closed.  He is/was.
  • Logged

K
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 142
  • Gender: Female
Return Stories Part Three
#62: March 19, 2021, 07:27:03 AM
what am I doing with my life .Im almost 60."

I think I read on here most MLC last 3-7 years.  My husband is 52. Is he really going to be going through this crap in his late 50s? Seems unthinkable.

Especially, in light of the fact if you look at the two of us, he is the "older" of us. My kids have remarked that he acts like he is 75. I fully agree.

I am definitely more active, work out, run, listen to contemporary music, have interests that are more in line with a more youthful person. Not because I am trying to be younger, it's just who I am. And I spend a lot of time with my kids so that keeps me younger thinking too, I think.
  • Logged
Me - 51, xh - 52
Together 26 years - Married 24 at separation
D - 23, S - 20
No BD - gradually moved out into our vacation house starting 8.20

K
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 142
  • Gender: Female
Return Stories Part Three
#63: March 19, 2021, 07:33:53 AM
This story is opposite;;
  The ow.
My sister  has a bf that was with a guy for 10 years.  As I remember the story this guy came in to my sisters bf life out of the blue.  he got in contact with her after working with her in her 20s. She was in her 40s  now, and said to her that he always thought about her and missed her from all the years ago. I dont know if they dated back then. Any how before I knew anything about mlc < i thought wow. Bf would say  how crazy the "wife" was and so on. Bf told me they started dating and her Guy was getting a d from the crazy wife. (which he did)  He then moved 6 hours away where they would commute and see each other in weekends.  This going on for years. Ten years later, bf lost her job to covid and wants to make permanent plans with him.   This is when he tells her , he doesnt know what he wants.  He ends it.  After I knew about mlc, I pegged him as an mlcer but not dare say a word to anyone.   Case closed.  He is/was.

I hear A LOT of these stories of people rekindling after decades. So weird to me. Definitely a psychological component there. Like, trying to go back in time or something.

I know a woman who was living in a Farmhouse in Iowa. 3 kids in their teens, sewed, baked--completely traditional life.

Well, she started Facebook chatting with her old boyfriend from, like, high school. Left her husband, left the kids behind. Moved here. Married the guy and last I heard was driving a school bus.

WTH even????
  • Logged
Me - 51, xh - 52
Together 26 years - Married 24 at separation
D - 23, S - 20
No BD - gradually moved out into our vacation house starting 8.20

S
  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 6472
  • Gender: Female
  • Strength and honour are her clothing;
Re: Return Stories Part Three
#64: March 19, 2021, 09:18:15 AM
Not a return story as such but still hopeful.

A really lovely kindhearted and fabulously talented good friend of mine was BDd many years ago (long before I knew about MLC) and her H swiftly filed for divorce moving new OW in.  It was " scandalous" as both my friend and her H were incredibly well known in the area.
My friend did "well " out of the D and moved to a lovely house within close contact of her children and grandchildren.  She lived her life to the full.

Over the years she and her XH remained in close contact and eventually OW was nowhere to be seen. They never reconciled but sadly the XH went into hospital last year for a routine operation and never made it.  My friend was heartbroken and had been a stander for all of this time.

She was with him in his final hours and by many, she was always seen as his wife even though they remained divorced and separate lives.  She told me not long after the funeral that he had become closer to her and that they spent a lot of time together. The funeral eulogy mentioned them meeting, courting and marrying and always being there for each other.

So sad but perhaps a reminder that some MLCers might not make it back but it seems that some will never forget who the wife really is.

  • Logged
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017.
Separated 2022 (my choice because he wanted to live alone) and yet fully reconnected seeing each other often.

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1711
  • Gender: Female
Return Stories Part Three
#65: July 31, 2021, 03:37:55 PM
My parents divorced out of nowhere a year after building a brand new house. My mother left for a man 20 years younger. My mom talked horrible about my Dad even though she was the one that left. I was 15 at the time. A decade later my Mom said she sent a letter to my Dad stating for the kids sake she thinks they should get back together. Even though we were all adults by now! Personally I think she was financially struggling and her BF left for someone closer to his age because he wanted to have children.

My Dad never responded to her letter and My mom’s BF eventually came back and they stayed together until her death. My Dad also remarried 10 years before his death to someone a year younger than I.

  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 31, 2021, 03:39:17 PM by Tornup »
There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Indefatigability - determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose
perspicacity- a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight

Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 314
  • Gender: Female
Return Stories Part Three
#66: February 22, 2022, 01:26:30 PM
I’m not sure if it was MLC but apparently one of my MIL’s neighbors started acting 180 different than he usually did and had an affair with someone he worked with.  He divorced his wife and married the OW.  After 3 months of that marriage he divorced her and reconciled with his wife.  It took a lot of work but the went on to be happily married until her death a couple years ago.  The whole time I guess she would say she didn’t even know who he was and that he would be back. 
  • Logged

F
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 235
  • Gender: Male
  • Be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves
Return Stories Part Three
#67: June 07, 2023, 02:30:52 AM
Don't know if it's a real return story because my SIL never left home, but anyway a hopeful story.

When i realized W was having a MLC, I crisis about this state and realized then that my SIL may have had one because she was unusually aggressive during a   trekking years ago. We are living 4 hour distance and spend holidays together twice a year with all the children. So I called her and asked whether she had "crise de la quarantaine" (forties crisis, another French name for MLC).
She said immediatly "yes I had", "it lasted 4 years, btwn 38 and 42" "I wanted to throw my life away and start again from scratch". I was shocked by last sentence bc SIL had already 5 children and had always been a very practicing Christian, very kind towards others and submitted towards my brother (that last point always made me feel queasy). SIL recognizes she was very aggressive towards everybody during MLC, especially my brother and their children.

How did she go out of MLC ? She recognized almost immediately that she was in "crise de la quarantaine" so she read some books, she said
What did my brother ? Nothing  :o
what would she like her H had done during her MLC ? To help more at home because this crisis is VERY tiring and fullfill her tanks of love using the 5 love languages -> Roger !

I did not ask whether there was an Alienator, and I do not want to investigate my brother about his feedback.

another interesting point : their 6th and last kid was born during the MLC, and my SIL is calling her "her MLC chjld" (I find this name horrible). I always found this girl (now 7 years old) is very kind and was surprised that she was considered as wild and aggressive by her parents, with aggressive and sometimes foul language. SIL was pregnant of twins and informed W that she lost one of the twins and W should have been godmother of the not born child. Me and W considered that was an awful thing to reveal. The girl has very dark hair between brothers and sisters who have blond or chestnut hair. But I have not paternity doubt at all : my brother has dark hair also.

I told SIL that from my POV she is now a better person as she is more able to talk when sthg is wrong in relationships.
  • Logged
M 44, W43. Married 18 years, together 21
3 children D17, D15, S6
OM discovered Dec 22, BD Jan 23 (few days after)
W still living at home
Aimer, c'est donner sans attendre de retour et tout acte est prière, s'il est don de soi (Antoine de Saint Exupéry)
Love means to give without expecting return, and every act is a prayer if it is a self-gift. (thanks OffRoad !)

F
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 235
  • Gender: Male
  • Be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves
Return Stories Part Three
#68: June 29, 2023, 07:03:42 AM
Don't know if it's a real return story because my SIL never left home, but anyway a hopeful story.

When i realized W was having a MLC, I crisis about this state and realized then that my SIL may have had one because she was unusually aggressive during a   trekking years ago. We are living 4 hour distance and spend holidays together twice a year with all the children. So I called her and asked whether she had "crise de la quarantaine" (forties crisis, another French name for MLC).
She said immediatly "yes I had", "it lasted 4 years, btwn 38 and 42" "I wanted to throw my life away and start again from scratch". I was shocked by last sentence bc SIL had already 5 children and had always been a very practicing Christian, very kind towards others and submitted towards my brother (that last point always made me feel queasy). SIL recognizes she was very aggressive towards everybody during MLC, especially my brother and their children.

How did she go out of MLC ? She recognized almost immediately that she was in "crise de la quarantaine" so she read some books, she said
What did my brother ? Nothing  :o
what would she like her H had done during her MLC ? To help more at home because this crisis is VERY tiring and fullfill her tanks of love using the 5 love languages -> Roger !

I did not ask whether there was an Alienator, and I do not want to investigate my brother about his feedback.

another interesting point : their 6th and last kid was born during the MLC, and my SIL is calling her "her MLC chjld" (I find this name horrible). I always found this girl (now 7 years old) is very kind and was surprised that she was considered as wild and aggressive by her parents, with aggressive and sometimes foul language. SIL was pregnant of twins and informed W that she lost one of the twins and W should have been godmother of the not born child. Me and W considered that was an awful thing to reveal. The girl has very dark hair between brothers and sisters who have blond or chestnut hair. But I have not paternity doubt at all : my brother has dark hair also.

I told SIL that from my POV she is now a better person as she is more able to talk when sthg is wrong in relationships.

an update with SIL's story : she sent recently a mail to me
"thanks for you calls from last month. They moved me, I decided to go in IC in order to go throught my dad's grieving process. I have met a very listening woman who told me "you are through a crisis that is not one of the least"

That rang a bell for me so I called her and it seems to me her dad's death last autumn is making her coming back in the crisis. I fear that she is not fully healed and she is entering a second round of MLC even if she denegates it. I am happy for her that she is in IC. She told me that she considered in the past IC is throwing money out of the window, and I told her that in the contrary it is an investment for her and also her children. What she is dealing with her IC is clearly FOO from what I understand.
  • Logged
M 44, W43. Married 18 years, together 21
3 children D17, D15, S6
OM discovered Dec 22, BD Jan 23 (few days after)
W still living at home
Aimer, c'est donner sans attendre de retour et tout acte est prière, s'il est don de soi (Antoine de Saint Exupéry)
Love means to give without expecting return, and every act is a prayer if it is a self-gift. (thanks OffRoad !)

S
  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 6472
  • Gender: Female
  • Strength and honour are her clothing;
Re: Return Stories Part Three
#69: June 30, 2023, 01:21:32 AM
Quote
she is entering a second round of MLC


Not necessarily.  The "first round" can last years and may never have been fully resolved hence what is happening now.  She may have peeked out of the tunnel and also suppressed her feelings. 

The fact that she acknowledged that she "recognised almost immediately" and tried to get help is encouraging but ironically it can also feed the desire that she had to look after herself first (that's what a lot of books advise and you can't blame them because they are often written with a different person in mind not necessarily an MLCer).

Hearts Blessing's stages of MLC ring true here as well. Often the MLCer once out of replay and possibly escape and avoid can go into a deep quiet depression and then move towards a form of healing but in this stage there is the return of replay which can sometimes be very brief and sometimes be a long period of time but, in this form of replay there isn't the desperation that many MLCer display in the first replay. 

I suspect that you are correct - your SIL has FOO issues ( I think we all do) and now she is in IC which can only be a good thing. In MLC terms is at last beginning to face herself and begin to resolve her inner turmoil which in having a child during her crisis perhaps she couldn't truly do.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.0
  • Logged
« Last Edit: June 30, 2023, 01:24:24 AM by Songanddance »
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017.
Separated 2022 (my choice because he wanted to live alone) and yet fully reconnected seeing each other often.

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.