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Our Community / Confused and wondering if I should have any hope...
« Latest by xyzcf on Today at 09:32:00 AM »
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I read a Heart's Blessing article that said if I detach, drop the emotional rope, and go no contact for a while that it triggers a response. I hate that I'm thinking this way, but I'm sadly hopeful that will happen, even though it's been mostly vitriol for the last couple of months.

I think the last couple of days have been bad because it's finally sinking in that I need to detach and move on from hope.

I really like many of Heartsblessings writings. I think that what you are hoping is that droping the rope and going no contact will have some effect on his desire to return to your marriage.

My BD was in 2009, many many years ago. I have followed HS closely for many years and I do not believe that anything we do  or don't do will change the trajectory of their crisis. We sound like a broken record when we say that this is not about you, not about your marriage...that this would have happened regardless of who they had married.

I truly believe this to be true.

Especially initially, we truly hope that they will return to their pre crisis self and return to our marriage. That we can rebuild and find one another again. In my case, it's been really hard to believe that in the 35 years we spent together, that he didn't love me or wasn't  happy in our marriage.

Some people believe that having hope is detrimental to our own healing, others believe that having contact with them is detrimental..each of us finds the path that suits us the best.

For myself, I found it necessary to have hope because I could not and cannot face that 35 years meant nothing. I often felt that what happened to him, psychologically was fascinating, had it not been happening to us and I believe in the pathology of this crisis and the changes that happened to him. Not everyone shares my beliefs.

I still miss the man I love, I still love the man he was, I still hate being "single" and not having an intimate partner in my life.....the man he is now, is not the person I knew....but yet, I have never let go of hope..perhaps it has changed now and the fact that we do spend time together and it's quite pleasant in a different sort of way...I am not his wife but I am still important to him.

I followed my heart, my intuition, my values and have remained open to him while living my own life...and thankfully finding joy again, for many years I could not feel joy. I knew what joy felt like, but I did not experience it.

There are many roads in life, we do not know which road will present itself and how that will play out in our future. Letting go of hanging on to the past is perhaps possible and necessary...we do not know what the future will hold so another thing that helps to stabilize oneself is to try and live fully in the present.

Heartsblessing also said "let them blow in the wind and crack their heads" or something to that affect. We cannot save them from themselves and it is vital that we save ourselves...so what ever that takes to do that, do it. For some that is giving up all hope, for others, the hope continues because it helped me to move forward in my own life and living what is right for me...not because someone tells me I must do this or I must do that..but because I have carefully considered all options and feel this is the right path for me.

Over time, I have not found the word "detach" to be helpful...like you have to purposely work at cutting all feelings/emotions/memories from a relationship that was a major part of your life.

My answer to this is "acceptance"..that has helped me to better move forward than to try and artificially "detach"  ...but again, each of us is different in how we process this,

And, as my therapist has told me, I can always change my mind from one time to the next. Nothing I decide is carved in stone really..I see my life with him still an important part of me and our family...but I don't fall apart anymore because I can see that his crisis impacts him greatly...and I feel much empathy for what he is going through.

2
Our Community / Confused and wondering if I should have any hope...
« Latest by jmnab on Today at 08:41:47 AM »
Very very normal to have good and bad days. Especially since it has only been 6 months since BD.
Thank you, xyzcf.

It took me a very long time to realize that I was traumatized and needed therapy to deal with the "trauma" of my whole world blowing apart. We normalize "divorce" in our society and it almost seems abnormal to be upset about the ending of our marriage. Many freinds do not understand why we suffer so much, why we just do not focus on finding another person and forget the old.
Part of the trauma is still ruminating over everything that was said over the las six months, and overthinking every interaction. In the more recent conversations I could sense sadness, and the fact that H agreed to meet with my therapist to help me gave me hope.

Then there are the questions - I read a Heart's Blessing article that said if I detach, drop the emotional rope, and go no contact for a while that it triggers a response. I hate that I'm thinking this way, but I'm sadly hopeful that will happen, even though it's been mostly vitriol for the last couple of months.

I think the last couple of days have been bad because it's finally sinking in that I need to detach and move on from hope.

When our lives are threatened, the body's mechanism is to go into fight/flight/freeze mode which accounts for the weight loss, difficulty sleeping, difficulty focusing and many other symptoms that LBSers experience. This is a protective mechanism but can be maladaptive when it continues for a long period of time. So there is a physical response to trauma and there are ways to decrease this response.

Here is a chart that helped me a great deal to understand what was happening in my body and with a great therapist, I learned how to change my body's response to this trauma...but it was several years after and you are still very early on. I hated when people told me that but it was true.

https://lissarankin.com/polyvagal-theory-interoception-a-neuroscience-understanding-of-attachment-trauma/polyvagal-chart/

Anything that helps to decrease the physiological response can be helpful. Exercise everyday, particularly walking and things like yoga. Getting out in nature. Volunteering helped me, at first in a food bank, then an animal shelter and for several years with children who are abused. I got a dog who was of great comfort to me.

If you read Biscuit's thread today, it's a positive review of how we slowly do heal.

As for your weight, buy some Ensure, drink smoothies or eat ice cream/milkshakes even if you are not hungry. It is important to take really good care of our heath.

I hope that you can find work. I was not working when this happened and never returned to my career which in retrospect was a huge mistake. I think I would have been better if I had a job to go to. I was sent back to a house in a place where I had not lived very long and did not have any family or many friends here and the loneliness was a killer.

On HS, you know that we understand and can help you though, as so many people helped me many years ago.

Don't negate at all how very difficult this loss is.
Thank you for this.
3
Our Community / Confused and wondering if I should have any hope...
« Latest by KayDee on Today at 07:58:20 AM »

Is it normal to have good days and bad days? Good days are days I have hope for myself and feel confident I'll get through this. Bad days are sleepless and full of crushing loneliness that makes me want to check myself in at a hospital. Today is one of those days. So was yesterday. It is dreary where I live. Lots of gray, lots of rain
Oh yes, very, very normal. Hopefully you will notice the gap between the bad days get larger. I also notice, now, that my bad days are often a sign of shift in me. Another phase of grieving gone through. We can only go through alas, not over or around. This helped me to understand. I needed to feel what I feel, but then, not to wallow endlessly.  A good cry. A scream. A punching of the pillow. We've all done it.

Best way to beat the rain and gray is to put on some waterproofs and go and walk amidst it. Surprising how reconnected with the outdoors this can make you feel. And it's nice when you get in to the warm too.

Finding work is taking me longer than I anticipated - I had a 1.5 year break, which makes it more difficult. I don't have children, and have very few people in my life to talk to right now. And with those I think I'm wearing out my welcome. My life revolved around my H and I didn't even realize it. Even when I was working, my life revolved around us, together.
You know, these observations are all part of your healing. You see things through a different lens and you make changes. Keep going, you will find work, even if it is a slight move downwards or sideways to get your engine revving again. And then you will meet new people, make new friends. Exercise classes are also a way to be with others in shared activity, which makes you feel good AND less alone.
Yesterday I asked my father if I could spend Christmas with him. For some reason he hesitated and I broke down crying. I'm still losing weight way too rapidly. And I'm really scared.
I recognize this. I was so super sensitive early on. Like when people cancelled plans etc. When normally I would have completely rolled with it. It's normal. You're seeing things through the lens of rejection. It will pass.
4
Our Community / Confused and wondering if I should have any hope...
« Latest by xyzcf on Today at 07:25:53 AM »
Very very normal to have good and bad days. Especially since it has only been 6 months since BD.

It took me a very long time to realize that I was traumatized and needed therapy to deal with the "trauma" of my whole world blowing apart. We normalize "divorce" in our society and it almost seems abnormal to be upset about the ending of our marriage. Many freinds do not understand why we suffer so much, why we just do not focus on finding another person and forget the old.

When our lives are threatened, the body's mechanism is to go into fight/flight/freeze mode which accounts for the weight loss, difficulty sleeping, difficulty focusing and many other symptoms that LBSers experience. This is a protective mechanism but can be maladaptive when it continues for a long period of time. So there is a physical response to trauma and there are ways to decrease this response.

Here is a chart that helped me a great deal to understand what was happening in my body and with a great therapist, I learned how to change my body's response to this trauma...but it was several years after and you are still very early on. I hated when people told me that but it was true.

https://lissarankin.com/polyvagal-theory-interoception-a-neuroscience-understanding-of-attachment-trauma/polyvagal-chart/

Anything that helps to decrease the physiological response can be helpful. Exercise everyday, particularly walking and things like yoga. Getting out in nature. Volunteering helped me, at first in a food bank, then an animal shelter and for several years with children who are abused. I got a dog who was of great comfort to me.

I discovered golf, joined a book club, became more involved in my church, joined a group that plays mahjong..things that would get me out of the house and stop the monkey braining for even a few minutes...focusing on my breath, slowing it down....

If you read Biscuit's thread today, it's a positive review of how we slowly do heal.

As for your weight, buy some Ensure, drink smoothies or eat ice cream/milkshakes even if you are not hungry. It is important to take really good care of our heath.

I hope that you can find work. I was not working when this happened and never returned to my career which in retrospect was a huge mistake. I think I would have been better if I had a job to go to. I was sent back to a house in a place where I had not lived very long and did not have any family or many friends here and the loneliness was a killer.

On HS, you know that we understand and can help you though, as so many people helped me many years ago.

Don't negate at all how very difficult this loss is.
5
Our Community / Not new, but still learning about this!
« Latest by xyzcf on Today at 07:07:34 AM »
Such a nice update Biscuit, thanks for sharing.

There is a set of "milestones" for the LBSer and it may take different lengths of time to get there for each of us. Your expereince will help others see that they will not always be in such intense pain as they once were.

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2 years in - so we are still reconnecting - but it's a very slow process. We don't really have any relationship talks as such but we do speak often and show each other respect and it's obvious we care a great deal about each other. The selfishness is there from time to time, but nothing like before. Things are getting easier and we often spend evenings or days together as a family and those times are good. W is very very slowly showing signs of returning to the person she was. I don't know how she is when I'm not around, but I suspect she struggles with much of what she has done in the last 2 years. Again I don't know, and we've not spoken about that.

Your observations are also helpful and glad to see that she is showing a different persona two years in. Unfortunately, for some MLCers it takes much longer.

The fact is, you have made a decision to allow her to go through her crisis without interfering and a huge amount of acceptance of what she is going through.   You have not shut her out and have grown in your own self greatly, becoming a "better version of yourself"...a phrase Matthew Kelly uses.....

I too enjoy the times we spend together as a family, even though our daughter is an adult and doesn't live nearby. These family times are really important to all of us.

So thanks for your encouraging post that it is possible to build something from the ashes. You are showing that you can focus on taking care of yourself and growing and still show compassion and empathy to your spouse.

This is something each one of us decides for ourselves. it requires a great deal of patience and the ability to learn how not to take their actions "personally"...not always easy but possible.

Continue to update us please. I always find it interesting to watch the process unfold in their crisis.
6
Our Community / Confused and wondering if I should have any hope...
« Latest by jmnab on Today at 07:03:40 AM »
I woke up at 2am this morning. Yesterday was 6 months post bomb drop, 2 months and 10 days post monster, and 1 month since H moved out.

Is it normal to have good days and bad days? Good days are days I have hope for myself and feel confident I'll get through this. Bad days are sleepless and full of crushing loneliness that makes me want to check myself in at a hospital. Today is one of those days. So was yesterday. It is dreary where I live. Lots of gray, lots of rain

Finding work is taking me longer than I anticipated - I had a 1.5 year break, which makes it more difficult. I don't have children, and have very few people in my life to talk to right now. And with those I think I'm wearing out my welcome. My life revolved around my H and I didn't even realize it. Even when I was working, my life revolved around us, together.

Yesterday I asked my father if I could spend Christmas with him. For some reason he hesitated and I broke down crying. I'm still losing weight way too rapidly. And I'm really scared.
7
Our Community / Not new, but still learning about this!
« Latest by Biscuit on Today at 06:12:34 AM »
So, today marks 2 years since BD. A lot has changed in that time and I thought I'd post for my own benefit and maybe some of the newer members might like to read about how the situation is (sample of one - obviously!) 2 years down the line.

The first 6 months or so were horrible - I moved out of the family home (before I knew anything about MLC and was being guilt tripped into believing I was an awful person). Then almost as soon as I was out W started a new relationship (could have been before - not much truth happening then!). That was the hardest bit I think. W was monstering about everything under the sun.

By a year in my main struggles were with W wanting to introduce her new boyfriend (boy being quite apt - she never told me how old he was but maybe 15 or so younger) to our kids and have him over at our house. That too hurt like hell. The thought of another person being in my home with my kids - super icky.

18 months in and the cracks were really starting to appear in the fantasy. I think OM had gone - don't know what happened there - not my business really. Soon after this W really started to soften and be much nicer to me. This made things so much easier - I could be honest in conversation and no longer felt like I was walking on eggshells the whole time. We began to talk regularly as well as texting each other many times a day.

2 years in - so we are still reconnecting - but it's a very slow process. We don't really have any relationship talks as such but we do speak often and show each other respect and it's obvious we care a great deal about each other. The selfishness is there from time to time, but nothing like before. Things are getting easier and we often spend evenings or days together as a family and those times are good. W is very very slowly showing signs of returning to the person she was. I don't know how she is when I'm not around, but I suspect she struggles with much of what she has done in the last 2 years. Again I don't know, and we've not spoken about that.

In terms of my personal development. Well that has been enormous. Back at BD time I was regularly drinking too much, and partying a bit too much too. That's all gone - I couldn't have handled this all still doing that. I've run a marathon - which I never could have imagined doing. I'm much healthier overall.
I'm pretty good - all things considered. I'm not one of those who say I'm glad this happened, because I'm not. I miss having W with me - as an ally and friend and cuddling up to her at night and all those things. However, I've accepted that she no longer wants that. Would I try and reconcile if the chance ever came along? I think I'd give it my best shot - like everything in life! But if that chance never comes along then I'm determined to still make the best of my life.


8
Our Community / 10 years coming up
« Latest by toomanytearss on Today at 05:01:51 AM »
I should clarify. I never meant reconciled in the manner of being back together in a romantic way. We are only reconnecting. I meant reconciled in being at friends. Which I do consider him my friend. Reconciled with the end of the marriage. Reconciled to be good parents and grandparents together. And to be good to each other. We have agreed to continue that even if we never “ reconcile” in a romantic committed way. If that makes sense.
He wants to move forward to the reconciliation as is usually defined here as fully being together as a couple. That is his definition of reconciling. Mine is different and I see reconciling as where we are at. Being friends and being good to each other and working toward a better understanding of each other. Being able to enjoy our family together. I see that as huge compared to what we have been through.
If he and I were to ever find our way to a romantic and committed relationship I would not consider that reconciling. I would consider that a new relationship. I do not wish to have the relationship I had with him when we were married. I do not want to go back to that. So we will never reconcile in that manner.
It’s very confusing how I see things. I understand that. Reconciling can have a different meaning for each person. I have said that the worst part of all this was the manner in which he treated me and the kids. That is what hurt the most. That has been reconciled. And we are at a better place for it. All of that I am super happy about and at ease with.
We have all worked hard to get to this point. Putting many hurts aside and accepting that I’ll never have the full story or understanding of all this. Having to let go of as much of that as I can. The kids having to do the same. And x also having to let go and learn to accept his family who are all very different now. I do consider that reconciling although not in a romantic way.
If this is as far as we get I still consider it a very good thing and I’m content with that.
I still have moments of course where all  the past gets under my skin. I would say that’s normal. But I recognize it deal with it vent about it then put it away.
So if I use reconnected or reconciled incorrectly I do apologize. I just see the meaning of those words differently in my situation.
9
Our Community / Confused and wondering if I should have any hope...
« Latest by jmnab on Today at 04:36:25 AM »
And if there is FOO, there is often a dysfunction around communications anyway. I would imagine that someone who goes into crisis like this does not come from an emotionally intelligent, communicative family dynamic.
Exactly this.

I bring it up because I know H is visiting siblings (I can see accounts), one of which he thinks is abusive, the other more of an enabler. One of the topics that has come up in the last six months or so is that they never learned to share their feelings or think about what they want. But they relationship between the siblings is also toxic - they don't speak. I wonder how he will act when their kids annoy him, which usually happens.

Funny thing though... H accuses the brother of similar things he's accused me of (abuse, control, etc.)... maybe there's something there?
10
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Are the recon rates just so low and that’s why never get updates?  I’m beginning to suspect that’s the case….

Two things here.  Recon rates are low but that doesn't mean that's why there are no updates. 
Some LBSers on here just feel that they don't want to share anymore.  People who have reconciled rarely post for a whole host of reasons.
Time is often the cause rather than the need or lack of need to post.   
I ve been here for nearly 11 years now and find I only want to update every now and then, and sometimes LBSers who joined the same time as me have vanished.  When I joined my then mentor reconciled 18 months later and disappeared completely.
After a period of time - some people just choose not to post anymore.

Your situation is unique to you.  If you look for the law of averages or % of reconciliations to help you keep your faith in restoring your marriage then it will not help.  In the early days of course such stories give hope to the new LBSer; ultimatelty though it's your growth that will determine your outcome not statistics or stories. 

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