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Author Topic: Mirror-Work #LBSgoals

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Nas

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Mirror-Work #LBSgoals
OP: October 11, 2019, 12:20:54 PM
Inspired by Ready2Transform's thread...

Just something to shift the focus here a bit to US.

What are your LBS goals (and/or how have they shifted over time)? 

I'm 4.5 years in.
My goals at the moment are:
1) To continue to fight cancer and do things to help my health (daily exercise, healthy diet, etc)
2) To get to a stable place health-wise and find a job that will allow me to support myself but not adversely affect my health
3) To stop thinking that the fact that I currently can't support myself makes me "less than."

My nephew opened a piece of Dove chocolate the other day - there are positive messages written on the inside of each foil-wrapped chocolate.  He has been practicing his reading and improving daily.
He opened the chocolate and excitedly read to me:
"Auntie Nas, "Don't stop until you're proud."

YUP.

And I look forward to shifting my goals as my situation shifts.
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The desire to be loved is the last illusion. Give it up and you shall be free. ~ Margaret Atwood

K
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Re: #LBSgoals
#1: October 11, 2019, 12:50:06 PM
Oh Nas--I love this! And I love your goals. I'll have to give it some thought but wanted to attach and of course comment that one of my goals is now that you continue to fight cancer and do things to help your health. ;)

Your nephew sounds awesome by the way!
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H 49
S15
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

N

Nas

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Re: #LBSgoals
#2: October 11, 2019, 12:53:54 PM
Aww, thanks KIT! 
Lol, my nephew IS awesome.  He's the coolest almost-eight-year-old I know.  Not that I'm biased at all...
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The desire to be loved is the last illusion. Give it up and you shall be free. ~ Margaret Atwood

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Re: #LBSgoals
#3: October 11, 2019, 01:57:27 PM
Great discussion thread Nas.


1. Speak my mind to everyone. My opinion matters, all to often I would give to get along.

2. Become happy with myself and know that I have self-worth. 

3. Figure out what I REALLY want out of life and go get it.

 These all sound cliche ! But that is what I am working on.
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Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Divorce final Nov-21

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Re: #LBSgoals
#4: October 11, 2019, 03:12:07 PM
I'm only a LBS here. The LBS concept does not exist in my real world. Pretty much no one around me knows a thing of what happened.

Currantly my only goal is to go with the flow.
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Re: #LBSgoals
#5: October 11, 2019, 07:41:09 PM
Great subject Nas!   I hope I qualify to participate even though I am not truly a LBS. I actually "feel" many of the same issues ..I often feel very alone, powerless to change certain things, confused and angry.  My husband is "here" but in so many ways , he really is not. He continues to wrestle with MLC and even he admits that there is truth in that.

1. I need to FULLY focus on ME. Almost selfishly. On my health ( I never feel well) on exercise and eating far better. I need to re-commit to this daily as I am very unsuccessful in starting ( and keeping) new lifestyles.

2. I need to continue to detach...from my husband and in fact other people that are not good for me ( my mother etc) . To understand that I do not need to react to other people. Continue to change only me in ways that will bring peace and acceptance.

3. To focus more on my book as I am very determined to do this . To "take" time to creatively write insead of always putting it at the end of my to do

I am sure I could list 10 more ...but this would be a great starting place.
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
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Re: #LBSgoals
#6: October 11, 2019, 09:21:58 PM
I love this so much! The good vibe meter coming off of this thread is totally in the red. :)

1. I need to break down my big goals into small, achievable tasks. I used to do this a lot, but I've been in a funk. I know a little momentum in the right direction will go a long way.
2. I need a CAR. I won't get one tomorrow, but I can start feeling out exactly what I want so it's more likely soon.
3. Wintertime workout schedule so I am more likely to start 2020 on the right foot. 2020 guys!! How weird does that sound?! 2020 Vision! 8)


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Re: #LBSgoals
#7: October 11, 2019, 10:24:45 PM
Quote
Figure out what I REALLY want out of life and go get it.
This is great, Father5. This is my only goal for the year. For a long time I did what I HAD to do. Now my kids are grown, my xW is gone and there's no reason I can't do what I want. But it's been so long since I've thought about what I wanted that I'm not sure how to anymore. Time to learn again.
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27. Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA  |  BD #2: 2018 - FA

W moved out - June 2019 | OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019 | Divorce final - September 2019 | Moving on

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

New Here? Read this! http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0

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Re: #LBSgoals
#8: October 11, 2019, 11:05:08 PM
In a nutshell, PJ.
FIRETRUCK
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Re: #LBSgoals
#9: October 12, 2019, 12:27:09 AM
For me....

#1 ) growing up from within
I am beginning to understand how unfinished of a person I was and still am.    I've already done a lot of changes to become better man, but I know this will become a lifelong process.  Right now my big work in progress is to learn to letting go of anxiety and worry (=fears of unknown future, need to control my life), and just learning to live and enjoy the present moment regardless of what life throws at me.... It is kind of funny how I can already "taste it" in my mouth.   I know it will do nothing but good for me.... Another subgoal is learning to show love for myself.  Like so many here, I have placed the needs of others ahead of mine (jeesh, I'm beginning to sound like my W, LOL). 

#2 ) losing weight / getting back to shape
it will serve my physical wellbeing regardless of what happens in life


 
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At time of BD.... Me: 43, XW: 41
Kids: G19,G18,G14,G12,S5
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years

BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."), Mar 2020
D filed May 2020, D finalized Dec 2020
I have moved on, and am in new relationship.

Lessons from Stoicism and REBT helped me to exit the chaos zone and become a better person. 

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. - Epictetus"

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Re: #LBSgoals
#10: October 13, 2019, 11:47:50 AM
1. Accept.
2. Have compassion and do everything from love.
3. Lose weight.
4. Remodel my home.
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M 54
H 49
M 12 years; together 17 years
D19, S29
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

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Re: #LBSgoals
#11: October 13, 2019, 09:18:19 PM
I like this.

1. Continue getting my health on track. I'm down to just my yearly physical now.

2. Work on my weight. I joined weight watchers 2 weeks ago, next step is getting into the gym

3. Continue work on me. I'm working on being a better partner in a relationship. I want to be the best I can
    be in my next relationship, whatever that will be.

4. I started a new small business a few months ago. I will be building that up so I can be self sufficient and
    not need to depend on anyone.

5. I'm going to join my local VFW. I have always wanted to do volunteer work for our Vets. This will also
    allow me to meet friends that are just mine.

6. Set up my apartment that will be all mine. I have never lived alone. I'm excited and scared of this
    endeavor.
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When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

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Re: #LBSgoals
#12: October 14, 2019, 12:50:24 PM
My current goals:

1)  Get debt free less mortgage.  On track for December.

2)  Attend flight school and obtain my private pilots's license.  On track for early/mid 2020.

3)  Attend a few college courses to get some certifications under my belt in preparation for the next goal-On track for mid/late 2020:

4)  Change careers/relocate.  On track to start the process in 2021.

5)  Purchase my childhood dream cabin in the mountains (NOT a MLCer cabin in the woods).  Timeline TBD.  Changing jobs/careers won't be instantaneous.  I have a specific place of employment to shoot for.

And in between each one of these goals, take the time to enjoy myself, go to new places, try new things, and take the time to stop and smell the roses along the journey.

-T
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« Last Edit: October 14, 2019, 12:59:57 PM by terrified_in_TN »

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Re: #LBSgoals
#13: October 15, 2019, 10:51:02 AM
I'll try but right now mine are really simple. At least simple to write. Harder to accomplish.

1. Learn how to enjoy today.

2. Learn to appreciate the past without dwelling on it.

3. Try to find a vision for the future.
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Re: #LBSgoals
#14: October 15, 2019, 12:53:50 PM
My Goals:

1.  Continue to work on my health and fix the fixable.

2.  Get back to exercising regularly after my surgery.

3.  Pay down joint debt so that I won't need spousal support....just in case.....planning for the worse case scenario!

4.  Stabilize my primary business after changes occurred that are out of my control.

5.  Grow my secondary business and hire another person.

6.  Loose another 25 pounds in 2020.

7.  Spend as much time as I can in the pool next summer!

8.  Continue working on my personal emotional growth.

9.  Get better at pickleball!

10.  Love and support my friends and family unconditionally yet within boundaries that benefit me!

I think this is plenty to keep me busy but these are the things that are most important to me in no particular order!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW
9.4.18  Moved back-At Parents 
11.1.18  OW back.  H living w/her in D's basement 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced  that he moved to sisters
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hrs away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Early Spring 2021 - helping with chores again then stopped and is getting more distant gradually
9/21 distancing growing worse...hardly see or hear from H
4/22 getting in touch more but sporadically

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Re: #LBSgoals
#15: October 21, 2019, 06:00:43 PM
Great thread, Nas!

There were many goals from other LBSs I felt myself nod to. Right now I'm going to say I want to:
1   live within my means, whatever that requires
2   improve my rental so it earns better for me from next year
3   smell the roses
4   detach from my H

My goals may change. These are my goals today.   
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: #LBSgoals
#16: October 28, 2019, 11:40:47 AM
Yes I am nodding to so many other LBS' goals.

Brain--YES, all of that for sure.

And also:

1. Live in the moment
2. Find a charity (probably homeless/women's shelter) and start volunteering time with S on weekends
3. Practice patience
4. Drink less
5. Figure out who I really want to be
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Me 50
H 49
S15
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

 

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