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Author Topic: My Story Pro Wisdom Needed

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My Story Pro Wisdom Needed
#90: February 02, 2024, 12:37:54 AM
Her and new OM seem to be serious however my d made the comment he won’t stick around moms just bored as she said. Lol.

Yep and the underlying issues that caused her to go off into the tunnel are still there...

I still believe she’s in there under this all and someday she is going to hate herself for everything she has done but there is still nothing I can do to help her.
Correct.... There is nothing you can do. She has to do it and she has to WANT to do it...

I know that ultimately no one can make her as happy as I could especially after all this but I don’t know that I’ll ever get the chance to prove it.

No one can "make" another human being happy.... Ever.... One can contribute to their happiness, one can give them joy, one can give them compliments and appreciation, etc., but one can NOT make them happy.  To think that you can make her happy is to assume that, by your actions, you have control over her mental state.... Nope....

LBS Lesson #1 - We only have control over our own well-being and our own mental state.

We have always overcome anything and I still believe that what we have had for soooo long is real and we can still do anything together. But right now she just can’t.

It was real but she is no longer part of the "we" team. She has chosen to go her own way and has chosen, therefore to NOT be a part of the problem-solving process. Instead she has chosen to run away from the issues that haunt her (and will continue to haunt her in theh future because, hey, no matter how far and how fast you run, in the end, there you are.)

So I’m just trying to GAL hanging with new friends and casually dating here and there

Do you REALLY want to go there at this point? I can guarantee you from personal experience that dating right out of the block (casual or otherwise) is like sticking your hand in a meat grinder on purpose.... One needs time to get their head back on straight and get their own emotional house in order before sticking one's toe back in the dating pool. Otherwise, there is a VERY high likelihood of getting sucked into an R that is toxic in so VERY many ways. Being "wanted/desired" is VERY seductive, like cocaine to an addict.... However, like getting the high, it blinds one to the negative sides until the high wears off....
and trying to not be lonely and not feel like I’m dying or like I should. It’s a process building back everything in myself I lost between getting sober and also losing her.
Yes, it is a process and one that hurts like having your squishy bits pounded flat with a ball-peen hammer but it does have an end and, at the end, you'll emerge with a new-found set of skills and strength that you didn't know you had.
But I have to survive this. What other choice do I have when I have two daughters and a whole life ahead of me
Exactly. Your kids need a rock to hold on to in the storm... That would happen to be you in this case because Mom has gone off into La La Land...
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Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Pro Wisdom Needed
#91: February 11, 2024, 11:38:03 AM
Hey yall

I am in a pickle.

As many of you know 18 months before my BD my Ex moved me and our kids 2000 miles away from where we are from. I believe moving back would be the BEST for my mental health however with 50/50 custody this would become a detriment to my parenting time with my kids. I could fight to have them in online school and do like 3 months on 3 months off with each parent however that’s a long time without one of the parents. And I worry about that.

But I am at a point where i need family and friends and I don’t have any of that here in Minnesota and want so bad to go back to MY life and family and friends in Arizona. I am truly at a loss for what to do.

Do I continue to struggle mentally and emotionally here for the benefit of my kids and also to prove to my Ex that IM NOT GOINF ANYWHERE.
Or do I go and try to find my happiness even though it may hurt them and my chances to reconcile later if I’m 2000 miles away?  Also moving away might be a wake up call or something to her that there are in fact serious consequences to her actions. But that may also lead to further hate and resentment. I am just so lost.

Any wisdom would help.
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ICF
BD 4/20/23
M 35
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D 15
D 10
T 14 M 12

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Re: Pro Wisdom Needed
#92: February 11, 2024, 01:29:56 PM
"Wake up calls" do not work and if that is the factor weighing in the most, my two cents is that it´s a poor reason to move. If on the other hand you will find your center and be more fully healed, thereby being able to be a dad who can give more energy to your kids, then seriously ponder it. The ages of your kids matter as well- it´s hard enough to find your peer group and that would be compounded by being in two places. However, if your kids left buddies behind when they left AZ, they might be gungho to return. If you are pondering this in any way to manipulate her, reconsider.
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me 51
H 51
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BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

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Pro Wisdom Needed
#93: February 11, 2024, 01:35:28 PM
I believe moving back would be the BEST for my mental health however with 50/50 custody this would become a detriment to my parenting time with my kids. I could fight to have them in online school and do like 3 months on 3 months off with each parent however that’s a long time without one of the parents. And I worry about that.

As sad as it is, shared custody is not about your equal time with your kids. It is to guarantee kids have a good and balanced life. There are at least three things I would consider in your shoes, and they may lead you to different output.

1. What you need?
2. What your childrens school/education needs?
3. What social aspects (friends etc) your kids need?

What about the option of you becoming a holiday parent? You might not see your kids as often, but when you add facetime, whatsapp etc in addition of holidays together, it can be satisfactory. It is good to acknowledge not all days/time is equal in value. For example my xW has kids 60% of time, but those are mostly work/school days. My time is mostly long weekends and holidays. So despite the uneven split, we roughly get the 50/50.

Or what about you simply taking a month off to meet your family and friends few times a year.

There are number of options besides these.
 


Also moving away might be a wake up call or something to her that there are in fact serious consequences to her actions. But that may also lead to further hate and resentment.

Trying to forecast the future hardly ever works. Basically how she reacts is no longer your worry.

Alvin
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« Last Edit: February 11, 2024, 01:41:57 PM by AlvinTheMaker »
At time of BD.... Me: 43, XW: 41
Kids: G19,G18,G14,G12,S5
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years

BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."), Mar 2020
D filed May 2020, D finalized Dec 2020
I have moved on, and am in new relationship.

Lessons from Stoicism and REBT helped me to exit the chaos zone and become a better person. 

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. - Epictetus"

J
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Pro Wisdom Needed
#94: February 12, 2024, 05:34:51 AM
Father5 went through a similar conundrum, although he had to move for work, and I’m not sure it was as far. But, you might find some insight from his thread. He doesn’t post often, but if I recall correctly, it helped him quite a bit.

JB
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Everything has a beginning and an end. Life is just a cycle of stops and starts. They're ends we don't desire, but they're inevitable and we have to face them. That's what being human is all about.  -Jet Black, Cowboy Bebop

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Pro Wisdom Needed
#95: February 13, 2024, 04:13:39 PM
Thanks JB
I will look up his thread now
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Thank you,
ICF
BD 4/20/23
M 35
H 34
D 15
D 10
T 14 M 12

 

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