Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Help Please 5

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3355
  • Gender: Female
  • Time is a Gift! 🎁
My Story Help Please 5
#10: December 26, 2023, 09:41:38 AM
Thinking of you on this day after Christmas.  It's hard being in the trenches. 
  • Logged
Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

H
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 366
  • Gender: Male
Help Please 5
#11: December 26, 2023, 01:15:49 PM
Thank you.
It was very hard.
I still can’t quite get my head around where my wife went.
But she is gone.
  • Logged

E
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 590
  • Gender: Female
Help Please 5
#12: December 26, 2023, 02:40:19 PM
Thank you.
It was very hard.
I still can’t quite get my head around where my wife went.
But she is gone.

It is very hard. I’m not sure that WTF WTF WTAF?! feeling ever goes away completely (it still hasn’t for me). It does seem to recede as the years go by though (thank goodness). I think you will also have had a very-weird-weather-wise Christmas over there on the east coast as we did here in SA. It made it a very odd Christmas all round. But I still managed to enjoy the day. You will get through. It will get easier.
  • Logged
M: 53 (48 @ BD), H: 55 (51 @ BD); Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 24 (19 @ BD), D: 22 (17 @ BD), 'Extra D': 22 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW - he (supposedly) met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her.
Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her (never happens).
May 22: Movement... (likely T&G? Time will tell I guess)
May 23: Yep, definitely a T&G last year. Still have contact but very minimal. He is a long way away from me these days. He doesn't seem particularly happy in his new life... but he's still there soooo....

H
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 366
  • Gender: Male
Help Please 5
#13: December 26, 2023, 03:04:15 PM
Thank you Evermore,

It is the strangest experience of my life. Sure I made mistakes but no one deserves this.
  • Logged

H
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 366
  • Gender: Male
Help Please 5
#14: December 27, 2023, 01:16:25 AM
Today I had the girls. She is meant to give me space to build my skills with them for when she leaves. But she can’t stay away. I get about 2 hours then she comes back. I just do my best.

Sometimes you do wonder if you were that bad and think maybe your partner is right to do this. But then you think of the damage that is being done and that you could have worked through to.

I asked for another chance as I have done my work. But apparently I had been given so many that now I can’t have one. The petulance of it is astounding. The rage that always simmers.

The lack of rationality is astounding. I just accept the decision but she finds it so hard to face the consequences. That is not my doing.

I just continue to exist. And live a little from time to time.

I only make good decisions for the girls and myself,
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12485
  • Gender: Female
Help Please 5
#15: December 27, 2023, 01:42:28 AM
Quote
Today I had the girls. She is meant to give me space to build my skills with them for when she leaves. But she can’t stay away. I get about 2 hours then she comes back. I just do my best.

I think your wife is trying to con you here, my friend, please don’t buy what she is selling. Custody of your own children (unless you have a history of harming them, and I’m assuming this isn’t so) is not based on a test with her as the judge of your ‘skills’. Bc of course it suits her if you believe that. And she will continue to act that way regardless of any legal agreement if you give her an inch on it so time with your children will become some endless job interview.
So don’t.
Not an inch.
You have rights as well as obligations as a parent. Please talk to your lawyer about this. I would encourage you to be more assertive about this now bc it won’t get easier to change it when you are living separately. Being a decent parent is also about doing what you can to fight for being an equal coparent imho.

When will you actually be living in two separate homes? What are your plans for where you will be living?
Why, out of interest, are you not pushing for 50/50 custody?
What is the legal status of the divorce agreements currently?
What ‘skills’ do you think you need, if any? And where might you go to learn them from someone other than your wife lol?

I can see that being under the same roof makes ‘custody’ time messy. She should be elsewhere bc it isn’t her time with them but yours, not bc of your skill as a parent, but I can see that it could be messy in practice. My only suggestion in the short term is that you take the kids out more when it is ‘your’ time with them or go to a family members house if possible. And be clear eyed about how much childcare you are actually doing when your wife is out gallivanting.
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

H
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 366
  • Gender: Male
Help Please 5
#16: December 27, 2023, 01:52:08 AM
Thanks Treasur,

I fell into the trap of working too hard and making a lot of dough so my wife could be there for the kids. They were fed early in the evening and they were often in bed when I got home. They are very close to their mum because of this.

I have been rebuilding with my eldest as she and it roughest. I was not around and she is very angry. Some of that fed by mum.

The reality is that I have a big job and I need to keep it to recover for the financial calamity of the rupture. I also know that 50/50 will be too hard for the girls which is why I have compromised with 60/40.

I am doing a lot better as a parent. I have done a couple of parenting courses and worked really hard with the girls. I understand them better now. They are just a tightly knit group due to my absence.

We have done the financial settlement and once I pay her the money she will buy a house. It will be harder initially for the girls but then it will be easier. They are just incredibly close due to the decisions we made as a couple.

Thanks for your thoughts. They are valuable,
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12485
  • Gender: Female
Help Please 5
#17: December 27, 2023, 02:28:44 AM
Ok, that helps us understand where you are at.

It isn’t a ‘trap’ of course when you are a family team, is it? Just a division of contributions. But perhaps your wife set up the story early on that it somehow made her the ‘real’ parent and over time perhaps you believed it too.

Big life-altering changes force all of us to look again at old assumptions, my friend. The change in the shape of your family gives you the chance to figure out what your new working assumptions will be about being a parent. What matters most is that they are your assumptions, not your stbxw’s assumptions. And kids can be bonded to two parents in different ways sumultaneously even when parents are together….i loved both of mine but I did different things in time with my mum than time with my dad bc they were different kinds of people and that was a good thing.

I wondered if there were work constraints behind the 60/40. How is the pattern of 6 days out of 14 going to work? Will you need back up childcare?
And are you staying in the current house or moving too?
Is your stbxw already looking at houses to buy or, as buying can take a while, is there some merit in her moving to a short-term rental bc I imagine getting divorced while living under the same roof is far from easy?
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

H
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 366
  • Gender: Male
Help Please 5
#18: December 27, 2023, 06:22:30 PM
Hi Treasur,

The 60 40 fits with my work too. I will work 4 days per week and do more 4 days over 5 to pick the girls up from school on two days. I am fortunate that I am well established and well remunerated.

You are right in what you say. We did divide contributions differently and the future will be different.

I think that is what my MLC wife struggles with. She wants to run away. Have the same financial support and not lose time with the kids. Pesky consequences.

I am thinking of maybe getting a au pair but that’s for down the road.
  • Logged

H
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 366
  • Gender: Male
Help Please 5
#19: December 27, 2023, 09:46:07 PM
They are so irrational.

Somehow I am meant to magic up refinancing the house with an offer conveyed a couple of weeks before Christmas over Christmas.

And her lawyer has overcharged her so she won’t speak to them to explain it. I was just courteous and said I am going as fast as I can.

  • Logged

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.