Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Yet another love, but not in love.

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
My Story Yet another love, but not in love.
OP: January 07, 2024, 06:02:06 PM
Hello all, so 2 months ago, my life turned into living hell.
I am 37 he is 44 and he loves me, but not in love with me, you know the story right?
We are married for 6 years now and 7 together, i am his first wife. Yeah, he got married very late, he is very shy, full of self hatred and not much interested to go somewhere too far from his computer.
I am active, positive person, that just enjoys the sunshine and life...
But it worked, for 7 years i'v been happy with him, we went through a lot together, i moved to another country for him, learned completely foreign language  , we survived the deaths of both his and my parents, changed 3 or 4 different apartments, finally bought a house of our dreams and a 1.5 year later everything fell appart...
I noticed chages in him in the start of this autumn, he became more distant, he never was very communicative, but this was different, then everything started to irritate him, we had a fight or 2, and then i asked what's up?
So when he fell in love with me, i was overweighted, all of our marriage i was overweighted and ofc i need to loose weight. And put stuff in the right place, and close toilet door after i used toilet.
But no, he doesn't think that divorce is a good idea.
Here  i need to mention that i have anxiety disorder, i was in a good shape on the minimal dose of antidepressants... this conversation sent me through the roof, but i put a dose  a little higher, convince myself it's all good, i will try better and started to exercise and diet and be my best...
Until 3 weeks later, when he came drunk at 3am and told me, that it's my insecurity that made me call every hour and worry where he was...
I just got better i thought to myself. And we had The conversation, so
loves me, but not in love, we are different ppl, are we really happy? He is not. He never had a real passion in his life and he wants The real passion.
Since that moment i am on the highest dose of antidepressants + xanax. One day i had very dark time when i proposed to separate for 5 months and he gladly agreed...
For me separate means to move to a different country where my only friend lives, with foreign language and all that... we can't afford to just rent an appartement here and i have no one but my Husband here.
And then i found emotion affair, photos (not naked) of her among his porn collection. Folder was called The Woman...hah. It's his colleague and boss for 5 years now, but now i guess she is The Woman. With whome he discusses our marriage (told me himself) She is married herself with a kid, but who does it stop? So he secretly visited her, invited her to our home when i was away (but i think she refused), shares all our problems with her and gifts her child nice Christmas present... i don't think it's anything physical for now, he is to shy, to tell her.
So he is now always at work, runs as soon as she needs help, his mood obviously depends on how they spent the day.
During holidays he was really nice to me, we had a good time together, like old times, even agreed to postpone the separation ( it supposed to happened this weekend). He started sleeping well, stopped drinking...
But back to work and all this good work is going to hell before my eyes, he is distant and unhappy again, he is bored with me, he started having trouble falling asleep right away.
My anxiety and depression are up and running around and all is flying to hell.
I didn't tell him i know about her. I try to be supportive and we stopped discussing our marriage problems cause it's only hurts. He still answers that he doesn't want a divorce at the same time he stopped wearing his ring.
I don't know how much longer i can take it, i was strong, but with my disease it's not possible to live years in this environment... should i go? Leave him be and save myself? Or should i stay and try to save our marriage and him from going to the bottom, where he is heading right now ? ( he stopped paying bills, taking care of anything etc.)
Please help... somebody please help.

And ofc as he is super shy he refuses to go counseling or therapy.

  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 19, 2024, 09:37:45 PM by Thunder »

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12485
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#1: January 08, 2024, 01:03:18 AM
I am very sorry that you find yourself here, but this is a pretty safe place to be bc we get it.

As has already happened, time and events will tend to unfold in a way that shows you what you are dealing with and what your options might be.

Right now though, I am going to put your marriage to one side and take a bit of a survival triage approach focused more on you. Reading your post, three things jumped out at me.

The first is anxiety. I don’t know the root cause of your anxiety or what treatment you have had or are having. But I think your instinct is right…..managing the effects of your own anxiety needs to be an absolute priority. More of a priority than you have ever made it before probably. Why? Bc you will need as much of your best self as you can to navigate this storm. I don’t say that lightly. I developed PTSD post BD and I understand how disabling it can really be….and how big the small steps feel that you take to recover and rebuild. But, regardless of what happens with your h, that work needs to start now. What are you currently doing other than meds? What have you found in the past works for you? What help do you think you need for anxiety to be in the back seat of your life?

The second is the practical stuff of money and security that you can control. How able are you currently to financially support yourself if you needed to? What do you see as the priority here bc it is reasonable that insecurity about those basic things adds to your anxiety, right? Are you working? And have you taken legal advice on your options if the current situation changes?

And finally the third thing that strikes me is that you sound a bit isolated? If I understand you right, you are living in another country? Do you have family there or elsewhere? Your own friends or support system? I ask bc imho it takes a village to navigate the big storms of life and we humans are wired for connection. Both big friendships and little daily interactions are how we walk in the world as who we are….and if our closest relationship is no longer available, we need that even more. What are you currently doing to find that in other parts of your life?

I am so very sorry for your distress. We can hear it and we are sending you a virtual hug through the ether. I wish we could do it in person.
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1022
  • Gender: Male
Yet another love, but not in love.
#2: January 08, 2024, 02:57:59 AM
Hi iona,

So sorry for you ending on this situation. Do acknowledge this is save space to share deepest fears and wounds, and heal and grow.

Having read your text, I would say your number one priority is going into personal counseling. Both for anxiety and relationship. If the plane crashes down, you need to put oxygen mask for yourself first before you can even try to save others. Marriage counselling hardly ever works unless both partners are genuinely willing and ready, and from cheap seats it looks like you both need a lot of work and time. Have you contacted public healthcare (or similar) for help?

Regardless of what happens for your marriage, life will turn out well. Nobody wishes to go through this kind of "hard school of life", but you will not go to hell and back without learning skills that make the future you the best version of you. But right here and right now you should focus on the basics first: your health, your safety, and your financials. Write down a honest list of

A) what you have and where you stand - health, money, work, safety,  human connections etc

B) what are your fears - how do you cope, do you have enough money to live on your own etc

C) how do you secure your basics - Instead if trying to fix all in day, make a realistic and detailed plan. Most likely it will take several months to reach from A to B. Time will become your best friend when you learn to respond instead of reacting blindly with anxious knee-jerk.

Hope this helps you a bit.

Alvin

  • Logged
At time of BD.... Me: 43, XW: 41
Kids: G19,G18,G14,G12,S5
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years

BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."), Mar 2020
D filed May 2020, D finalized Dec 2020
I have moved on, and am in new relationship.

Lessons from Stoicism and REBT helped me to exit the chaos zone and become a better person. 

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. - Epictetus"

K
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 274
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#3: January 08, 2024, 03:54:37 AM
Dear Iona, so sorry you are here, but also glad you found the forum so early as you will be among people who understand the complexities of your situation and will try to help guide you through the storm.

I think many of us here will identify with the journey you describe as your H first becomes distant, then irritable (angry) and finally seems to become a cold stranger. You are in the early stages (as am I at 18 months in - yes, this who $h!teshow takes TIME) and you will see / experience lots of emotional cycling (you and him) and things you just can't seem to make sense of, or think him capable of. The first year at least is the most turbulent, so as others have said, you need to get your oxygen mask on first and stabilize.

Both you and your H have had a lot of hardship and stress in the last few years - significant bereavement, relocation, moving house many times, job changes. It's likely that your H was triggered into MLC by one of these events and slipped downwards to the point where his 'landscape' became bleak and overwhelming and his coping style, it seems, is to run (aka escape and avoid).  Unfortunately, you are part of that landscape, intertwined with all the difficulty and trauma. And to add to that, you were probably struggling a bit yourself and he likely could not cope with your (very reasonable and ordinary) need for care. IMO, this is not uncommon. The stronger spouse gets sick, or needs emotional support, and it tips the crisis person to BD. It's completely unfair of course. You did not cause any of this, but somehow you become collateral damage. On the plus side, you appear to have much better coping skills (you did not run, you tried to support him, you reached out for help etc etc). If this is an identity / midlife crisis he does not have a clear enough sense of himself to take responsibility, so he blames his environment and goes looking for an external fix (IMO a mama figure to sooth him - my interpretation on his EA). Sadly, he now needs to separate to learn that he is responsible for his own happiness, and actions, and that a life hidden inside a screen (avoidance plus) is not a component of a healthy relationship (you mentioned pornography also - another avoidance IMO).

Lot's to unpack I suppose and I know this is hard, but a part of why he is in crisis is because he needs to emotionally mature. Hopefully, his journey will mean he comes to see what he is in danger of losing.

You ask if you should leave. The general wisdom here is that the person who want out leaves. But only you know the particulars of your situation. In my situation, having the solid ground of my own home, familiar neighbourhood and local friends was extremely important. Even now, after a 1.5 years, the prospect of leaving this harbour that is my home is really hard - but I don't have a live in MLC. So try, if possible, not to react (the urge to leave is also an emotional response to 'escape') but instead respond. Responding often means taking time. Give yourself some grace. Slow down and take pressure off yourself to 'DO' or even to make a decision. For now, if you can do the very active thing of putting in support for yourself (IC, friends, exercise etc) then you will be doing a lot.

You do not deserve this, and it is not your fault, but you are suffering the consequences of a person lashing out through crisis.

(((((hugs))))))
  • Logged
« Last Edit: January 08, 2024, 04:13:47 AM by KayDee »

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#4: January 08, 2024, 04:44:38 AM
I am very sorry that you find yourself here, but this is a pretty safe place to be bc we get it.

As has already happened, time and events will tend to unfold in a way that shows you what you are dealing with and what your options might be.

Right now though, I am going to put your marriage to one side and take a bit of a survival triage approach focused more on you. Reading your post, three things jumped out at me.

The first is anxiety. I don’t know the root cause of your anxiety or what treatment you have had or are having. But I think your instinct is right…..managing the effects of your own anxiety needs to be an absolute priority. More of a priority than you have ever made it before probably. Why? Bc you will need as much of your best self as you can to navigate this storm. I don’t say that lightly. I developed PTSD post BD and I understand how disabling it can really be….and how big the small steps feel that you take to recover and rebuild. But, regardless of what happens with your h, that work needs to start now. What are you currently doing other than meds? What have you found in the past works for you? What help do you think you need for anxiety to be in the back seat of your life?

The second is the practical stuff of money and security that you can control. How able are you currently to financially support yourself if you needed to? What do you see as the priority here bc it is reasonable that insecurity about those basic things adds to your anxiety, right? Are you working? And have you taken legal advice on your options if the current situation changes?

And finally the third thing that strikes me is that you sound a bit isolated? If I understand you right, you are living in another country? Do you have family there or elsewhere? Your own friends or support system? I ask bc imho it takes a village to navigate the big storms of life and we humans are wired for connection. Both big friendships and little daily interactions are how we walk in the world as who we are….and if our closest relationship is no longer available, we need that even more. What are you currently doing to find that in other parts of your life?

I am so very sorry for your distress. We can hear it and we are sending you a virtual hug through the ether. I wish we could do it in person.

Well i see psychiatrist and i have a good support system on the mental health front, i would say it's getting better and meds work. I do some exercises but not talking therapy, which i probably need now.
I need calm environment to be out of my anxiety, which is not possible at home right now, we don't have scandals or heavy talks, but the atmosphere itself is awful sometimes.
On the money front for now there are no issues, i talked to a lawyer and even in the worst case scenario i will be fine, though when i discussed it with my husband he proposed good price for my head...sorry, bad sence of humor.  But i will have to move to another country, this one is too expensive, even if i will find a job.
Now i am concentrated on getring my health in a better shape, all this stress caused a couple of fixable problems, that i am actively working on.
I am very introverted person, been like that almost all my life, so my support system is terribly small but powerful. I didn't feel lonely all those years, but now i do...

  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#5: January 08, 2024, 05:07:46 AM
Dear Iona, so sorry you are here, but also glad you found the forum so early as you will be among people who understand the complexities of your situation and will try to help guide you through the storm.

I think many of us here will identify with the journey you describe as your H first becomes distant, then irritable (angry) and finally seems to become a cold stranger. You are in the early stages (as am I at 18 months in - yes, this who $h!teshow takes TIME) and you will see / experience lots of emotional cycling (you and him) and things you just can't seem to make sense of, or think him capable of. The first year at least is the most turbulent, so as others have said, you need to get your oxygen mask on first and stabilize.

Both you and your H have had a lot of hardship and stress in the last few years - significant bereavement, relocation, moving house many times, job changes. It's likely that your H was triggered into MLC by one of these events and slipped downwards to the point where his 'landscape' became bleak and overwhelming and his coping style, it seems, is to run (aka escape and avoid).  Unfortunately, you are part of that landscape, intertwined with all the difficulty and trauma. And to add to that, you were probably struggling a bit yourself and he likely could not cope with your (very reasonable and ordinary) need for care. IMO, this is not uncommon. The stronger spouse gets sick, or needs emotional support, and it tips the crisis person to BD. It's completely unfair of course. You did not cause any of this, but somehow you become collateral damage. On the plus side, you appear to have much better coping skills (you did not run, you tried to support him, you reached out for help etc etc). If this is an identity / midlife crisis he does not have a clear enough sense of himself to take responsibility, so he blames his environment and goes looking for an external fix (IMO a mama figure to sooth him - my interpretation on his EA). Sadly, he now needs to separate to learn that he is responsible for his own happiness, and actions, and that a life hidden inside a screen (avoidance plus) is not a component of a healthy relationship (you mentioned pornography also - another avoidance IMO).

Lot's to unpack I suppose and I know this is hard, but a part of why he is in crisis is because he needs to emotionally mature. Hopefully, his journey will mean he comes to see what he is in danger of losing.

You ask if you should leave. The general wisdom here is that the person who want out leaves. But only you know the particulars of your situation. In my situation, having the solid ground of my own home, familiar neighbourhood and local friends was extremely important. Even now, after a 1.5 years, the prospect of leaving this harbour that is my home is really hard - but I don't have a live in MLC. So try, if possible, not to react (the urge to leave is also an emotional response to 'escape') but instead respond. Responding often means taking time. Give yourself some grace. Slow down and take pressure off yourself to 'DO' or even to make a decision. For now, if you can do the very active thing of putting in support for yourself (IC, friends, exercise etc) then you will be doing a lot.

You do not deserve this, and it is not your fault, but you are suffering the consequences of a person lashing out through crisis.

(((((hugs))))))

Thank you so much for your support. I agree almost with everything you said. Yes, unfortunately he is a shy, scared teenager inside, who loves to run from any problem and procrastinate till it "passes". This one will not pass ofc, but he still uses old tools to deal with it.
I started to get him into sport, we run together, play badminton, i try to get him out there a little bit, to maybe show the way out for his bad emotions.
The house is his, ofc legally i have the right to stay, but i will not go this path if he will tell me to go, it's not who i am. My cocern is that i don't have my friend here and calm environment, and it might be bad for me, while moving away might give me some normal human interaction, support and calm.
For now he talks to me, shares if he is in a bad place or a good place, if he wants to interact with me or not etc. and i don't cry, yell, demand, i try to maintain a friendly and calm atmosphere at home, where he is allowed to do whatever pleases him and gets him through the day.
I don't know if he will finally snap and say that separation is the only way, but i am not raising this topic myself, i learn on my mistakes.
I see that he tries very hard to please me too, participate in the activities that we are doing together or even those that i like much more, than him, tries not to put on me too much of his bad mood. He really tries, i pray for him, that he finds his way forward and pray that he will not destroy the beautiful love and appreciation we have for each other.
  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#6: January 08, 2024, 05:20:50 AM
Hi iona,

So sorry for you ending on this situation. Do acknowledge this is save space to share deepest fears and wounds, and heal and grow.

Having read your text, I would say your number one priority is going into personal counseling. Both for anxiety and relationship. If the plane crashes down, you need to put oxygen mask for yourself first before you can even try to save others. Marriage counselling hardly ever works unless both partners are genuinely willing and ready, and from cheap seats it looks like you both need a lot of work and time. Have you contacted public healthcare (or similar) for help?

Regardless of what happens for your marriage, life will turn out well. Nobody wishes to go through this kind of "hard school of life", but you will not go to hell and back without learning skills that make the future you the best version of you. But right here and right now you should focus on the basics first: your health, your safety, and your financials. Write down a honest list of

A) what you have and where you stand - health, money, work, safety,  human connections etc

B) what are your fears - how do you cope, do you have enough money to live on your own etc

C) how do you secure your basics - Instead if trying to fix all in day, make a realistic and detailed plan. Most likely it will take several months to reach from A to B. Time will become your best friend when you learn to respond instead of reacting blindly with anxious knee-jerk.

Hope this helps you a bit.

Alvin

Yes, personal counseling seems to be my next step in this jorney, i really need some support on this front.
I have my plan A, which is to try to stay here with him and work together if possible
And my plan B where i go away, both of them are covered financially and i am working on my health issues, so should be able to handle in both cases.
I guess what scares me the most is that for me, it's my 3rd serious relationship, i hoped the last... And i really don't want to go back to dating, falling in love and all of that, i just want calm boring life. I know i will be able to, i am just scared of that perspective and really don't want it.

Thank you for your support!
  • Logged

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1667
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#7: January 08, 2024, 11:44:58 AM
Many things in your story rang true to mine. What I will say is that all that change and moving can be huge in all this when it stops. That can make a MLCer feel bored or needing excitement ( passion )  constant change that stops can make a person who has not dealt with inner issues can definitely make them come to the forefront. It definitely did for my XH.

I agree with others on checking out an IC to clear your head and help with your anxiety. The anxiety can be crippling in the beginning and continue to journal. You will really be glad to be able to go back and see and read how your story unfolded and how far you come, but even more that what you thought and what was may not have been right and that alone answers some of the intuitional conflict you feel.
  • Logged
There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

We long to have again the vanished past, in spite of all its pain

Married July 1991
BD1 2018 Jan moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#8: January 09, 2024, 04:46:02 PM
Well today is one of those good days, when i almost forget what is happening to him and to me.
This morning i saw his ring was back on the finger, even if for one day, it's already something, i know it can all crush and burn tomorrow, but it's the day, when i feel calm and it's good for my health.
We spoke about his mlc, how he handles it and he sounded pretty reasonable, says he understood that it will take time, that he wanted to snap out of it, but it's obviously not possible, so he takes it as it is... and tries to be functional enough to lead a comfortable life ( which he mentioned is  comfortable thanks to me doing almost everything including his chores) he is very naive and thinks that it's the matter of weeks, mayby months...i added years for his consideration.
He apologized for "not being much of anything lately", and thanked me for my patience and friendly, calm attitude and environment at home.
I wonder will it count when he will finally find the passion that will accept him and kick me out of my home...will see :/
No talks about separation, some plans for future ( house improvements etc.), a lot of physical contact after 3 days of being moody and almost unavailable.
Tomorrow he will see her again and i will have another day of wonder - which husband will return home? Happy and energetic like he is on drugs or sad and moody like he didn't get some.
And i will just work on one thing, that it shouldn't matter in which mood he comes back, i should be fine, yet another step on the long path to get My happiness back and my happiness is inside me, not him.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3355
  • Gender: Female
  • Time is a Gift! 🎁
Yet another love, but not in love.
#9: January 11, 2024, 08:51:56 PM
Welcome to the board, iona.

This is a great place to write about your journey.  If you have not had a chance to do so, check out the link in my signature "Survival Instructions for Newbies."
  • Logged
Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#10: January 13, 2024, 08:08:06 AM
I told him i know about ow, i told him everything, he refused to end those relationship ( cause they will never be real) and he is gonna loose his job. Ultimatums didn't work either. He says that he loves me, wants to work on our relationship, again making some plans for the future. We cried for 2 days straight, he cried that he is sorry and told me a lot about how all that happened to our marriage. He is in a bad mood now again, i am going to psychiatrist on monday to see if hospitalisation needed. Great talk, great marriage....
Ah and he said that if she would say yes, he would be a fool not to try.
I don't know what to say... i am morally done.
  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#11: January 20, 2024, 01:19:37 PM
5 month separation ahead of me. I can't do this anymore to myself and he can be free and happy...
I doubt he will be, but he doesn't.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3355
  • Gender: Female
  • Time is a Gift! 🎁
Yet another love, but not in love.
#12: January 20, 2024, 09:56:18 PM
Sending hugs Iona.  You hang in there.
  • Logged
Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#13: January 21, 2024, 03:57:09 PM
Sending hugs Iona.  You hang in there.

It is surprising, but when i finally agreed to this stupid separation i actually started feeling mich better in terms of anxiety. I demanded financial guarantees on paper and said i am ready to give him time after he signs it. He agreed, so that will be done before i leave...
I decided not to decide what to do next with my life each morning, step by step i will figure it out. And he... well, he made his choice and he is pretty convinced that he is not gonna loose me if he will not want to. Which might be second of his mistakes during this crisis.

Thank you for your support!
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12446
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Yet another love, but not in love.
#14: January 22, 2024, 12:56:20 AM
He's living the life in La La Land where he can see nothing but pink cotton candy clouds, fuzzy puppy dogs with waggly tails and Unicorns running around farting clouds of rainbow glitter.

Until the consequences of his actions are beating him in the face with a tire iron, he won't get the point. Even then, it is highly likely, if he is following the MLC for Dummies script, it will be YOUR fault that he is having to deal with the consequences of his actions.

You are 100% correct that his new found "Happy Life" is NOT going to make him happy int eh end because, well.... No matter how fast or how far he runs, there he is.... with all the same old FOO, the same old problems, the same old same old.....

As for you, taking care of yourself is the #1 priority, in whatever form that takes. You can only control yourself and your own actions.
  • Logged
Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#15: January 22, 2024, 12:43:54 PM
Well, for now i sometimes still wonder if it's MLC, cause he really tries to be nice. He is nice guy in general. But god knows for what he blames me for deep inside.
I see that he suffers, see that he is not happy with himself, with me, with everything. So he really wants to escape this feeling, with separation, OW, whatever it takes. I don't know if he will succeed in this journey,  but i know, that he ruined my life pretty good in the process.
For now i feel like taking what i can salvage out of this mess and give him his time and space, using it to rebuild myself and understand what is next for me in My life. All this questions bring anxiety, so i try to move really slow in my thoughts, taking it step at a time.
I am terrified of the future, ofc. I wasnt alone since i was 17. I didn't work since 23. But i will get there... i am not weak. I know there is a lot of tears and suffering ahead, but there is also something nice there, just need to survive until i will be my smily positive self again.
My health got much better, it's my victory today, to find out that i am doing better and continue on this road. At least on this path i know how to achieve my goals;)
I totally break all the rules and cry in his arms every day. Not talking, just crying. I am not a robot, i am not forbidden to show my emotions to the person i still love and he is kind enough for now to hug me and let me feel the warmth of his body. After a while i calm down and it helps me. Does it make him feel bad? I don't know and i shouldn't care, he didn't care when he hurt me the way he did.
Maybe i will loose him because of it, but if so, then for the better.

  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#16: January 23, 2024, 08:57:38 AM
The day that your psychiatrist tells you " go away from him for a while, he is bad for your health.". Soon sooon.
  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#17: January 25, 2024, 12:06:43 AM
Yet another long talk.
His thoughts to not forget:
Affraid that is ruining everything
Realize that ow is illusion and it's not better there, but can't control his emotions, which is also frustrating to him.
Became the person in professional and private life that he never wanted to be and forgot who he really is.
Wants the separation to be invisible
Started to notice that because head is always in the fog slips at work, friendships, relationship with me and it pisses him off and he wants to hide.
Thought that after all those tough years he will  finally breath out and instead "this" happened to him.
Has the question  "Is that it?" in life.
Realize that if we reconcile it should be partially new relationship.
Is very sorry for what he does to me and our marriage. Full of guilt.
Is afraid that he ruined our marriage to the point of no return, i said he didn't, he said he will try to trust me on that, but not sure he will be able all the time.
At now point i am like a mirror that he sees his bad moods in.
Life is $h!te but he is just a little boy with a stupid dream to live in the fantasy. (His words)
It's not that bad, how he is now, he's been much worse.

Me...
i need to go rest from this.



  • Logged
« Last Edit: January 25, 2024, 12:09:08 AM by iona »

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 8222
  • Gender: Female
Re: Yet another love, but not in love.
#18: January 25, 2024, 03:48:19 PM
Your psychiatrist is a good one. Space from this emotional dumping he's doing on you will help you stabilize.

He's saying what many of us heard at the time our spouses were weighing their options. He's going to try to keep you on those eggshells by saying things like

Quote
Is afraid that he ruined our marriage to the point of no return, i said he didn't, he said he will try to trust me on that, but not sure he will be able all the time.

Now it's up to YOU to reassure him that you'll still take him back no matter what, without any wavering or "he can't trust YOU". It's a no-win. We've all been there.

You have complete confirmation that he's in the throws of MLC and limerence. Unfortunately, your grief over the loss of your marriage as you knew it is not a shared one. Be careful in turning to him for comfort, and notice how he's dumping his feelings on you, while not leaving space to consider your feelings. What would you do with an unruly teen who is doing this to you? Set a boundary, and maintain your own view of reality above all else.

You might also research "Complicated Grief". I found it described my initially few years perfectly.
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12485
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#19: January 25, 2024, 11:12:05 PM
Wise words from Ready.
It’s a simple (if uncomfortable) truth I think that the person who is hurting us can’t heal us and that it isn’t our job to soothe them while they hurt us.
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12446
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Yet another love, but not in love.
#20: January 26, 2024, 12:20:06 AM
Quote
Is afraid that he ruined our marriage to the point of no return, i said he didn't, he said he will try to trust me on that, but not sure he will be able all the time.
Now it's up to YOU to reassure him that you'll still take him back no matter what, without any wavering or "he can't trust YOU". It's a no-win. We've all been there.

Seriously...... He chooses to throw a grenade into your marriage and he can't trust YOU that you've forgiven him?


He's the one that has the work of proving to do.... Proof that HE has done the work he needs to do in order to get his head out of his ...... fog.....   Proving that HE is willing to DO the work to pull the marriage back from the point of no return....

Instead he puts ALL the onus on you... Well, last time I looked YOU were NOT the one that blew up the marriage, right?

More of the same MLC
  • Logged
Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#21: January 26, 2024, 02:08:54 AM
Your psychiatrist is a good one. Space from this emotional dumping he's doing on you will help you stabilize.

Yesterday in the evening i went to the movies alone. For the first time in many years. And i think for the first time since it all happened i actually had a glimps of who i am out of this situation, the promise of the future strength, happiness and ability to live with or without him. I know time without him will start my healing process and i am not preventing it.
Yes i am very sad to leave My home, the country that i lived in for 7 years and got comfortable in. But it's me who needs time even more than him, he is the poison and now i see it very clear.


Quote
He's saying what many of us heard at the time our spouses were weighing their options. He's going to try to keep you on those eggshells by saying things like

Oh yeah, he is deeply afraid of loosing "this game" and ending up alone. So he continues his EA in fantasy hopes that She will see that he is better than her husband and at the same time understanding somewhere deep inside that it will not happened. But the drug of emotions from being in love with her and it's probably only around her, right now, that he feels something positive, is too strong and too pleasant to wake up and see what it is doing to everyone including him.
But he tries his best to give me hope, so that option number 2 is available. It's disgusting standard game, that i know too well. As for now i have no idea what to do with my life and where to do it, i play along.
As it's his first marriage and my 3d (first official) he plays checkers with a chess player and he is too proud of himself to notice it.

Quote
Now it's up to YOU to reassure him that you'll still take him back no matter what, without any wavering or "he can't trust YOU". It's a no-win. We've all been there.

I still wear my ring, i still am around being nice, i still am very reassuring. But i don't plan to be begging him to return home as soon as i am out, he will have his doubts when i am away and will at least show that i am doing better to the point of great. He already sees that i am regaining my independence and strength, which makes him nervous a bit, cause he is loosing control of his plan B, well it's his problem, not mine.

Quote
You might also research "Complicated Grief". I found it described my initially few years perfectly.

Thank you i will. Though the time frame of years doesn't suit me at all. I know MLC takes time and patience, but i have my life to live and one thing i know about myself is that i pretty much can't be alone, it's important to me to have relationship and if he will not be able to give me that, i will find a person who can. I don't see why should i suffer years of loneliness just to get back the person he is or was before. There are many ppl in this world worth of loving and looking for it. It's up to him, to not be too late with his decisions, not me.
Out of love and respect for him i give him time. But he has no hope for years, i am not that kind of LBS, unfortunately for him.














  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#22: January 26, 2024, 02:15:04 AM
Wise words from Ready.
It’s a simple (if uncomfortable) truth I think that the person who is hurting us can’t heal us and that it isn’t our job to soothe them while they hurt us.

That is so true, but i guess for me it's important to be the kind person i am and to give comfort to the person that i love, no metter what. As i mentioned in my previous post my love and kindness has an expiration date, but as long as i am here for now and 5 months of our separation didn't pass i will continue to treat him the way i treat a person that i love. After that, sorry ,not sorry.
I really want to distance myself from him, to heal, to regain myself, to become better, not for him, for me. And i will have a good support system in all of that, which makes me hopeful for my future.
  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#23: January 26, 2024, 02:24:26 AM
Seriously...... He chooses to throw a grenade into your marriage and he can't trust YOU that

He's the one that has the work of proving to do.... Proof that HE has done the work he needs to do in order to get his head out of his ...... fog.....   Proving that HE is willing to DO the work to pull the marriage back from the point of no return....

Instead he puts ALL the onus on you... Well, last time I looked YOU were NOT the one that blew up the marriage, right?

You are so right, but i am such a softy i will probably take him anyway as long as he is willing to be with me...pathetic.. Or will i?:) will see.
But you are right. Let's hope i'll do better than him.


Quote
More of the same MLC


Haha, you are so right. You made me smile, thank you! It's such a gift this days:)
When he told me that i am exaggerating my grief for his suffering and actually he had worse times and is doing relatively sad but ok, i wanted to hit him with something heavy... but prison is not my way out of this:) first he cries how he is pathetic and wants to be invisible and then he is doing ok? Yeah, MLC blahblahblah.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: January 26, 2024, 02:46:05 AM by UrsaMajor »

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#24: January 26, 2024, 02:42:50 AM
Today in the morning i woke up from the dream in which i was 50 yo. And i started wondering do i actually want to be with this person when i am 50? Do i want to spend another 13 years with someone who is full of grief and hate for this world and for himself?
Not that sure... Maybe i start to have an MLC too?:))
This marriage starts to look really ruined with those thoughts in my head.
I guess it's finally moving somewhere, my head i mean. It's better than staying frozen and terrified and hurt all the time in hopeless hope to be better so that i am not thrown away...

Is it normal that i hope he will do worse without me?
When we met he was in a pretty bad place physically and mentally, i dragged him out of that pit and made his life pretty comfortable and nice, to the point that he realizes it even in his MLC and is very grateful for it.
But instead of hoping that i will come back after separation to the strong and healthy person, i hope that he will just slide back to his "natural" self.
So i can come in the shiny armor and save him from his misery again... Yeah i guess it's not healthy and it's still the hope for reconciliation that speaks in me.
Will see i guess, maybe it's me who will be a total wreck and some knight in shiny armor will have to save me...
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12485
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#25: January 26, 2024, 02:47:19 AM
Well, you will do you the best way you see fit, as we all do. And change if you believe you need to.

Quote
As it's his first marriage and my 3d (first official) he plays checkers with a chess player and he is too proud of himself to notice it…
Bit confused….whats a ‘not official’ marriage, or two, mean?

Quote
…and one thing i know about myself is that i pretty much can't be alone
Imho there’s a difference between can’t and won’t or don’t want to in real life.
I wonder if you might find this a useful time to unpick your thoughts on this with a good IC or see it as a time to experiment with what it looks like?
Bc, as someone older, life so far has taught me that sometimes life circumstances do leave each of us alone and it’s perhaps useful to find our own version of that before we are forced to do so. After all, the only common denominator in your life is you, right, whatever else happens?
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12446
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Yet another love, but not in love.
#26: January 26, 2024, 02:56:23 AM
When we met he was in a pretty bad place physically and mentally, i dragged him out of that pit and made his life pretty comfortable and nice, to the point that he realizes it even in his MLC and is very grateful for it.
But instead of hoping that i will come back after separation to the strong and healthy person, i hope that he will just slide back to his "natural" self.
So i can come in the shiny armor and save him from his misery again... Yeah i guess it's not healthy and it's still the hope for reconciliation that speaks in me.
Will see i guess, maybe it's me who will be a total wreck and some knight in shiny armor will have to save me...

We LBS's do tend to be "fixers" and "rescuers" but, in this case, there is nothing you can "fix" and no one that actually WANTS to be "rescued." Quite the opposite. We are demonized for trying to "rescue" them as they consider it to be controlling....  He has to decide if HE wants to climb up out of his misery and get his poop in one sock or if he prefers to wallow in the dark, dank pit of despair and "woe is me"-dom.....

  • Logged
Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 579
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#27: January 26, 2024, 03:34:31 AM

We LBS's do tend to be "fixers" and "rescuers" but, in this case, there is nothing you can "fix" and no one that actually WANTS to be "rescued." Quite the opposite. We are demonized for trying to "rescue" them as they consider it to be controlling.... 

I still can't believe up to now how these MLCers or let's say where they got this common script of accusing their spouses of being "CONTROLLING." This was exactly what my former h accused me of. I was controlling and he wanted freedom, which catapulted me into doing all sorts of bending forward, backward or sideways to prove to him that I wasn't controlling. 🤣 I didn't realize at that time that he was doing it so I don't snoop about his affair. When I found out about the OW, I was still blamed for being controlling and I was the one feeling guilty. How amazing is that. He was the one who was angry at me because I was snooping and controlling that's why he had to hide the other woman and had to keep their "friendship" a big SECRET. In hindsight, I should have dropped the rope earlier. I could have lessen the damage.
  • Logged
Me 43 at BD
H    45 at BD
Married 11 yrs at BD, no kids,
BD May 2019 (I moved out Nov 2019)
EA or PA with ex gf (not sure), H spent 3 nights with the hoe during our vacation in July 2019, it was a friendly encounter according to H
H wanted D April 2020 seeing suspected OW2 (divorced with two kids) and 2 years older than him, H didn’t file the D
Clinging boomerang
6/21 H moved in with me; kicked him out 01/22
H turned into a vanisher, wants a Divorce, OW 3 (16 years younger and extreme sporty)
14.11.22 Divorce final, I'm done

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#28: January 26, 2024, 04:36:08 AM
Well, you will do you the best way you see fit, as we all do. And change if you believe you need to.

Quote
As it's his first marriage and my 3d (first official) he plays checkers with a chess player and he is too proud of himself to notice it…
Bit confused….whats a ‘not official’ marriage, or two, mean?

Before i'v been in the long-term relationships without getting it to official state. 4 years and 10 years. I left both times.

Quote
Imho there’s a difference between can’t and won’t or don’t want to in real life

I guess it's a bit of all three. I was raised by single mom, so i really really don't want to end up like her i guess, she was fine being single and i crave for that warm hug in the morning and spooning on the couch in the evening while watching something and.. all the other awesome things that being with someone brings. But part of it, after all those years being all the time with someone it is ofc pathological and i have serious problem that i need to work on.
  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#29: January 26, 2024, 04:44:47 AM
Quote
We LBS's do tend to be "fixers" and "rescuers" but, in this case, there is nothing you can "fix" and no one that actually WANTS to be "rescued." Quite the opposite. We are demonized for trying to "rescue" them as they consider it to be controlling.... 

Well i need to be saved and fixed. It's a shame i am not His damsel in distress, i guess i will have to be my shiny knight:)
He tried that shhhh with "controlling", but it's very hard, cause i am actually not, he had all his freedom to do whatever and still has it now, so it didn't fly and i reminded him his wonderful speech about me being insecure when he didn't come home till 3 am and that out of a sudden i became controlling. He agreed he was wrong.
All i ever asked of him is to give a sign that he is alive if he goes back home late, which is reasonable even by his f**d up standards.
It's now that he actually started to write to me more often when he plans to come home etc... i guess guilt pushes to be a good boy pfff...
  • Logged
« Last Edit: January 26, 2024, 04:51:08 AM by iona »

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#30: January 26, 2024, 02:03:47 PM
He is fine but preffers to be in a so so mood, cause eventually he will have to choose between optimistic and pessimistic, but for now he is fatalistic and in a bad mood cause it helps, cause he is tired of those moods switching 3 times a day.
Pfff.. i live like that for months, with my moods switching all around the place and i don't have OM to at least pleasure my view while living through this nightmare.
Doesn't touch me until i touch him. Wonderful.
  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#31: January 27, 2024, 10:17:45 PM
He wakes up and laying in the bed, then gets up in tears, sits on the bed. I ask can i hug him? He says unfortunately i dont think so, explains that was fine yesterday and thought that resolved something and woke up with the most awful thoughts.  As he left i said i am sorry he feels that way, but i didn't follow him downstairs, should i have hugged him anyway or should i just let him be in those moments?
  • Logged

R
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2381
Yet another love, but not in love.
#32: January 27, 2024, 10:31:36 PM
Usually folks mirror the MLCer's behavior. For a simple example of that, if the MLCer displays a behavior (like saying good morning), then the LBS responds in kind (answers good morning).
  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#33: January 28, 2024, 01:09:27 AM
Usually folks mirror the MLCer's behavior. For a simple example of that, if the MLCer displays a behavior (like saying good morning), then the LBS responds in kind (answers good morning).

Well according to this logic i behaved right and just went back to sleep, leaving him to his misery. Now that i woke up he shared some info on how he felt and hugged me for a while after i came to say hello in the morning. We had plans for today, but as with all plans lately he canceled them, because of the bad mood, promising that we will go one time soon...
Said that it's weird to him, how his moods switches without any obvious reason. I only listened and said i am sorry for him and hooe that it will go better for him.
He started to share more in general, but it doesn't change much for him, instead of being with me he is sitting in his room drinking beer in the morning 0o.
I distance myself and is around him only when he wants it. As i calmed down and understood that it's probably the end, it is easier for me to follow the "right" behavior of LBS. I have my healing to do and my life to live, though it's super hard to imagine and pain is killing me, but it will get better.
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 579
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#34: January 29, 2024, 09:51:46 AM
This reminds me of my xh after BD. I was tiptoeing, only came to him when he wanted to talk to me. I adjusted to all his whims and blah blah hoping that he would come to his senses. The only thing I can tell you (you can take it if you feel comfortable, or just ignore it), is really leave him be. I would not even make an effort of starting a conversation. If he speaks to you, you answer him in a neutral way. If I could go back time, I would not come to him only when he wanted to talk. Don't forget, you are a separate person, you can also decide not to talk to him when you don't feel like it.  Stop treating these MLCers like a they hold all the cards.  Whatever you do, it will not change their mind. I learned it the hard way. Really just do you. Don't waste your energy on him.
  • Logged
Me 43 at BD
H    45 at BD
Married 11 yrs at BD, no kids,
BD May 2019 (I moved out Nov 2019)
EA or PA with ex gf (not sure), H spent 3 nights with the hoe during our vacation in July 2019, it was a friendly encounter according to H
H wanted D April 2020 seeing suspected OW2 (divorced with two kids) and 2 years older than him, H didn’t file the D
Clinging boomerang
6/21 H moved in with me; kicked him out 01/22
H turned into a vanisher, wants a Divorce, OW 3 (16 years younger and extreme sporty)
14.11.22 Divorce final, I'm done

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#35: January 29, 2024, 11:18:32 AM
Today, i guess, was the first day when i actually talked to him about my boundaries. I told him i Want the separation and need it. That we can talk about any moves forward, only if i will see his steps towards me and obviously EA and me don't exist together. I didn't say leave her or choose me, just stated the fact. He listened and he heard me. Idk why but he actually started to talk to me, share his feelings, make some explaining about moods etc. Out of a sudden was not that critical about me staying in this country ( we have this option but i don't want to be alone). 
Another change i guess, that doesn't mean much. Will see what he will do when i am gone and will he ever take those steps. It's up to him and now he knows it.
  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#36: January 30, 2024, 10:25:30 AM
Stop treating these MLCers like a they hold all the cards.  Whatever you do, it will not change their mind. I learned it the hard way. Really just do you. Don't waste your energy on him.
I know that you are right, but that happens when i leave. For now i prefer peace and calm.
  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#37: January 31, 2024, 02:35:56 AM
This morning i think about how he is but not in the concerned way, but more like how scripted his behavior is and how pitiful. He lies to everyone, he procrastinates in every possible way, he searches for love in a person, who is already makes him unhappy. I don't think that in that state of mind anybody can make any good decisions or even like themselves. And the support system that mlcer has in his life he destroys starting with his closest friend - wife or husband.
But actually there is nothing i can do, for him.
I think i feel sorry for myself, that it happened to me, feel grief for the life we had and i tried so hard to be happy, thought that i will overcome everything and be finally happy. Well i was, for less than a year and now it's another awful time.
I am very scared of what comes next, divorce, establishing new life in a different country, finding my place there, somehow finding a job and finally finding a man to live and love. Not to mention overcoming my physical and mental problems. This fear is almost freezing me, but i know step be step i will come somewhere, where the sun shines bright, i am smiling and happy and loved.
It's a shame that life doesn't just have a pause button to breath out, but i see many stories here, of women and men, who got stronger and more happy after theirs spouses meltdown. Maybe we don't want to be, but we are the strong ones either rebuilding our lifes or standing for our marriages. It gives me a lot of hope for my future and a lot of strength in my everyday struggle to find myself in this mess and take calm less harmful decisions for my future.
Thank you all for your support!
  • Logged

R
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2381
Yet another love, but not in love.
#38: January 31, 2024, 04:48:05 AM
Iona, great post. I found myself nodding as I read along.

And yes, building a new life is step by step. I tried to do something practical toward that new life every day once I had the realizations that you just wrote. I wasn't always successful in taking a step each day, but when I did, I felt better and better.

Once I realized that my life was irrevocably changed at BD and there was no "going back", that reconciliation was a new relationship if it happened, it also calmed me and helped me realize that I had to build the new life one way or another.

Step by step you can do this.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: January 31, 2024, 04:55:50 AM by Reinventing »

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#39: February 02, 2024, 04:38:46 AM
For the past several days H was in a good mood, almost glowing being attentive etc. And it totally freaked me out, i thought he had progress with ow or something else, as all trust is gone.
So i freaked out in front of him with tears and it grew in an argument where i was told that i shoul share my feelings with someone else and not put his mood down with all my sh!t, finally the monster showed it's full size.
So yeah i am guilty in everything, i betrayed my promises as the start of the relationship and he was telling and i don't know how to listen to other ppl etc. All of that went into shouting match, slamming doors ( me)  and throwing my wedding ring at him.
We told each other so much bitter and awful things out of hurt and rage, then cried about common griefs, then talked a bit and went to sleep.
I had huge anxiety in the morning, i am not sure our relationship can even recover from that amount of frustrations about each other.
Ofc i started feeling guilty for everything, yes i did some mistakes, but it's not me who totally screwed it but with not being able to communicate with other ppl.
Anyway i regret even starting it, my bad side took over and i don't feel that feeling constantly guilty is in anyway healthy or normal, but he makes me feel exactly that way.
On this point, knowing him and knowing me, i think we are both "done" with each other for somw timw for sure. Love is still there though on both sides. And i just feel desperate and sad today.
It will pass. Everything will pass. Sun will shine. Just not today.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 02, 2024, 04:42:52 AM by iona »

R
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2381
Yet another love, but not in love.
#40: February 02, 2024, 07:48:22 AM
It will pass. You'll bounce back faster and faster with time.

You won't always feel this way. It does get better.
  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#41: February 03, 2024, 12:21:30 AM
It will pass. You'll bounce back faster and faster with time.

You won't always feel this way. It does get better.

Everyone around me says i will. And me, i know i will.
I know it's a process and not a pleasant one.
Thank you so much for your support!
  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#42: February 03, 2024, 09:55:15 AM
Despite the fight and his awkward way back yesterday to fix things ( he just made everything possible to stay around and play together, though i was pretty much crying and he saw that), H apparently found his way back to the good mood, invited a friend for next weekend ( was not ready mentally to see him in almost all January).
For him it became a surprise that i can actually  move out as soon as the week after next. I thought his good mood is connected to him finally being free of me, but apparently it's something separate.
Me - i want to run away. I have very hard time staying around him, i don't like his way of smoothing things out, i don't like this egoistic self centered person that he is, i don't like being taken for granted , like i should behave well, so that his majesty doesn't get sad.
I am in pain, i cry a couple of times a day, i love him and i hate him at the same time. And i just want him to leave me alone cause all he did is brought pain to my life. I know im gonna miss home and probably him, but i am counting the days...I so want to finally be able to ignore him and talk only when i want to. And being surrounded by ppl who actually care about me and not only about themselves.
I want to feel happy again. And i Don't believe that the persone who says that he will "resolve ea situation in his own way, still seeing her 3 days a week" will resolve $h!te in a month or a year. I Don't believe him at all, he is just the same lost broken guy i married and it was my mistake to think that he changed even a bit.
I want to start to heal but it's not possible around his majesty, he takes all the space.
  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#43: February 04, 2024, 11:51:17 AM
Oh those crazy mood swings... i'v been on the up side all day and totally fell apart after a little nap.
Husband seems to be still in his okey mood.
But today i discovered 2 new feelings. First that physical contact with him sometimes is not pleasant at all now, because he doesn't respond or didn't respond before and i start to distance myself because of all the previous times.
And second that i am very very tired of all that madness. I think tonight is the first time that i felt that i just want to be loved, huged, happy, have productive family plans and not all of this bs and mlc...
I know i am not ready in any way to start new relationship, but family life is a beautiful thing, when it works... i hope he will miss it someday, or i will find it someday somewhere...
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 8222
  • Gender: Female
Re: Yet another love, but not in love.
#44: February 04, 2024, 02:12:10 PM
You're healing. It SUCKS. Be totally validated in that. But you're taking so many steps to move forward, to observe how you feel without trying to push through anything, which will help it all process without resistance. In time, there's going to totally be something wonderful on the other side of this.

There's a girl I follow on Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/thedilemmasofemma/) who is documenting her process after infidelity and divorce, and I just adore her attitude about giving "main character energy." She's so young, but also has reflected at times the fear that she's too old now to have a family or a home again. She's not that much younger than I was at BD, and I remember having those feelings. But I can tell you truthfully that you can keep yourself stuck (which I have at times) and you can forge a path forward on your own terms (which I have also done). This is going to be a chapter, standing or not - but not the whole book. Big hugs, and good on you for letting your feelings do the work they need to.
  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#45: February 05, 2024, 03:46:45 AM
Quote
But I can tell you truthfully that you can keep yourself stuck (which I have at times) and you can forge a path forward on your own terms (which I have also done). This is going to be a chapter, standing or not - but not the whole book. Big hugs, and good on you for letting your feelings do the work they need to.
Thank you so much. I keep telling myself it's gonna get better, it's just a period in my life, i overcame so much, i will overcome this.
Ofc there are many moments of fear and hurt and doubts, so i let myself cry it out, cause locking something so intense inside is just not healthy.
I know i don't see anyway forward with H for now, because he is a pure MLC madness right now, but...
  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#46: February 05, 2024, 03:59:35 AM
Good news - i finished my last buisness here and depart to another country 12 of February.
Husband showed a little bit of anxiety and guilt about that, said he finally realizes it's something that is really happening and trying to find another way in his head but....
On that point i told him , Nooo, it's the right choice, you need your time alone, you told me, so it's all good honey, i might be sad, but we definitely should do it, it will be good for you.
On our way back from meeting he shared some of his plans for separation with me, and yes, Hello MLC! Sooo - eating healthier, exercising, will try to smoke less weed and stop smoking at all, hopes that learned through the years to take better care of himself. Wonderfull, just wonderful. I said i fully support all his plans!
And in my head is just one thought - you are preparing yourself for that new beautiful life with EA or whomever, trying to run as fast from death as possible. Before he was already doing classic mlc, but now he is just on top of his performance:)
I could barely hide my sarcastic laugh..things ppl do for love...and out of fear of death.
After that wonderful speach he bought himself some fast food:))) i refused to buy any, cause i'v been eating healthy several months already and lost 18kg  and i am not doing it for him, i am doing it for me and i know i will continue doing it without him.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12446
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Yet another love, but not in love.
#47: February 05, 2024, 04:51:22 AM
Like Reinventing said, the painful parts will pass.... Maybe like a Kidney stone but they will pass over time.

You saw how much weight his words hold (eat healthier by rewarding himself with fast food?) over time.....

How do you know when n MLC'er is blowing smoke up your butt, aka lying? Their lips are moving... The thing is that they really believe themselves at that particular moment in time... Just that, 2 seconds later, they change their minds....

i refused to buy any, cause i'v been eating healthy several months already and lost 18kg  and i am not doing it for him, i am doing it for me and i know i will continue doing it without him.
Good for you! Take care of your own needs first and let him take care of his how ever he chooses to do so....
  • Logged
Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#48: February 05, 2024, 02:30:25 PM
Like Reinventing said, the painful parts will pass.... Maybe like a Kidney stone but they will pass over time.

You saw how much weight his words hold (eat healthier by rewarding himself with fast food?) over time.....

How do you know when n MLC'er is blowing smoke up your butt, aka lying? Their lips are moving... The thing is that they really believe themselves at that particular moment in time... Just that, 2 seconds later, they change their minds....

i refused to buy any, cause i'v been eating healthy several months already and lost 18kg  and i am not doing it for him, i am doing it for me and i know i will continue doing it without him.
Good for you! Take care of your own needs first and let him take care of his how ever he chooses to do so....

Well i really hope some parts of him stay the way they were and he will not make me go through a hellish divorce with hurting him a looot.
But tou are right on the point, he wants calm and friendly atmosphere at home, but escapes every time he can, to his room.
He doesn't want divorce and hopes for our relationship and thats why he kicks me out of our home.
He accepted that EA will never be real, still he spends as much time as possible with her and makes plans to be better, not for him or me, for her i bet.
He is doing only the things he wants to do, or those that i demand strongly, but he says how he cares about me.
He lives in his own reality, that doesn't have to do anything with a real world, where he is ashamed that he is ruining our family and tells ppl "we made a decision to separate". Lol, he just can't tell that he kick his wife out of the house because he is in mlc and fantasies about his EA.
All of it is blahblahblah and his choice to continue it, or stop it.
Started to participate more in house cleaning and stuff to learn, how to do it on his own:) 44 years old... how to use laundry machine. Lol.
At least i am one step further, i know how to use it and how to be happy.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12446
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Yet another love, but not in love.
#49: February 06, 2024, 07:03:26 AM
My MLCxW still (at the age of 54) admits that she can't cook (which she can't) and doesn't know how to clean a toilet (she hires a cleaning person to come in a couple times a month to clean her flat).....

<smh>
  • Logged
Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#50: February 06, 2024, 11:58:24 PM
My MLCxW still (at the age of 54) admits that she can't cook (which she can't) and doesn't know how to clean a toilet (she hires a cleaning person to come in a couple times a month to clean her flat).....

<smh>

Haha, i guess we all have our strong sides, i know how to do a lot of things and i cook good, but i dont know how to make money...:/

We had a couple of peaceful days, as he wanted, like let's not have fights and hard talks before me leaving...
Yesterday we played badminton and i fell, now something is wrong with my ankle and i am limping...troubles don't seem to end:( 
As i started to feel more at peace with the situation those couple of good days totally ruined my peace, hope for the good outcome reignited and all the sorrow about "how can he ruin this, we can be so happy together" hurts my heart again...
I know i shouldn't trust his words and should look only at his actions ( kicking me out, not ending ea, still being distant etc.) but it's very hard, i guesse he didn't betray me enough yet:*(
Anyway soon i will be crying in my friend's arms and finding my peace again... and getting used to the thought that i will be fine, that live will go on with or without him.
One time i proposed to him that i can buy a house there, he obviously didn't want that and didn't like the idea at all, i don't think it's only money wise, cause i will get this money anyway. So he prefers for now to keep me on a short leash and with hope that we can be together.. idk why? Fear that his EA will refuse to be with him and he will end up alone? Probably that. I mean he says he loves me and hopes for us, but i don't believe this reason, i can't let myself believe it.
  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#51: February 07, 2024, 01:17:15 PM
He came back late from work again and i was done.
Cried with the friend, tried to calm down, but i understood that i don't want to hear "we" about work anymore, i can't see him, i can't sleep in one bed with him.
He made his choices and i finally stood for myself. Told him i want to go as fast as possible. Will pack tomorrow during day and will leave. He knows my number if he ever wants his wife back and i know his, when i will be ready to divorce.  I need to get out of this misery, where i cry my eyes out and he invites friends for weekend and thinks everything is fine and can go on his comfortable schedule.
  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#52: February 09, 2024, 12:23:13 PM
Well i survived my first day of separation. I am proud of myself, in the evening i went to the depth of despair so deep, i couldn't see the light, but understood it was actually anxiety attack, which is totally normal in my circumstances and i dealt with it.
When he brought me we hugged and kissed, he said ( and yes im gonna miss you), though i didn't say it first, tears in his eyes, i will write, will talk bla bla... i think it's guilt talking. I asked him if it hurts, he said yes and i said than maybe therr is still a chance for us.
I called him to see if he is fine ( it was a very long journey by car almost without rest) he kinda pushed us to talk a bit about this and that. Sent me a couple of messages when arrived home, nothing personal, just some everyday stuff.
During our 13 hour trip he said many things... about how he wants to change and who he wants to be and that selfishly he keeps all options open for himself... it seems he is on the same stage that we are not good for each other, though he sees changes.
I told him that i am commited to the changed person he wants to be and to the persone, that will like to work on our relationship, not to the weirdo that he is right now. I hope at least it gives some boundaries. Though i have very little hope for reconciliation from his side. I guesse he will slowly drift away, for now he seems to be scared and wanting to keep things going.

I cried all morning, i was in terrible shape, but i got up, i went to the shop, i ate, i did some stuff around the place. And i didn't call my husband asking to please take me back. I didn't cry when i talked to him. I am doing well. I am proud of myself today.
  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#53: February 11, 2024, 07:32:19 AM
It's day 3 of separation, today we will watch "superbowl" together, he will stream for me, cause i don't have my separate account. After that we have no reasons to exchange messages except for valentines day ( i left a little surprise at home, mb stupid but thats what i do each year). He answers my messages, writes himself, but it's some organization questions... i know its too early to read into anything, just blogging.
I am not crying anymore, not very active, but it's because my ankle ruined all my activity plans, feelind more "at home" as finally unpacked and organized my space a bit. Friends are a great help to not keep me in the loop.
Still making decisions every morning and evening, still let them go, it will be a long way to personal happiness, but i guess i am better.
As he is not around i feel like i lost him forever and it sucks:(
  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#54: February 12, 2024, 04:16:19 PM
I don't know how i can love him after everything he did to me and put me through, but i still do... and it makes me cry.
  • Logged

z
  • **
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 41
  • Gender: Male
Yet another love, but not in love.
#55: February 12, 2024, 05:43:41 PM
Quote
I don't know how i can love him after everything he did to me and put me through, but i still do... and it makes me cry.

I struggled to reconcile my love for my ex-wife even after all that she put me through. Some of the questions I used to investigate this was: why would it be wrong to love someone? What is my "error" or "mistake" in that? Why would it be wrong to love them in spite of their behavior?

The only "error" I could come up with was part of that love being at the expense of myself. To protect myself, I detached. I can now see my love for her as one of the many emotions I experience. It is no longer in conflict with the pain and hurt. There is no contradiction.

I'm sorry for the suffering you're experiencing right now. I remember those tears that seemed to never stop; like draining the sea one drop at a time. I was rubbing my face raw from tissues. I wanted to give anything to escape the weight. I can give you nothing but words: it gets better. It is unimaginable but it gets better. It just takes so much longer than seems possible.
  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#56: February 14, 2024, 03:35:20 AM
Quote
I don't know how i can love him after everything he did to me and put me through, but i still do... and it makes me cry.

I struggled to reconcile my love for my ex-wife even after all that she put me through. Some of the questions I used to investigate this was: why would it be wrong to love someone? What is my "error" or "mistake" in that? Why would it be wrong to love them in spite of their behavior?

The only "error" I could come up with was part of that love being at the expense of myself. To protect myself, I detached. I can now see my love for her as one of the many emotions I experience. It is no longer in conflict with the pain and hurt. There is no contradiction.

I'm sorry for the suffering you're experiencing right now. I remember those tears that seemed to never stop; like draining the sea one drop at a time. I was rubbing my face raw from tissues. I wanted to give anything to escape the weight. I can give you nothing but words: it gets better. It is unimaginable but it gets better. It just takes so much longer than seems possible.

Thank you for your support, i need it now, more than ever. I cry less now, that i am not in the same room and even country with him, ofc nothing is worked through for now and everything is fresh and bleeding, so i just let myself be, without letting myself go.
Today is that day, i left a little something for him at home, i always did that and i did it this year, for me it's a tradition and i just keep my ground, we didn't have any contact for the last couple of days, which is normal for him and therapeutic for me, today will write a little something nice and go back, to blackout till next week.
I don't know how he will react to my little gift, but it's his choice, my choice is to be nice person that i am, who likes little surprises for the loved ones.
  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#57: February 14, 2024, 04:53:53 PM
Well, he answered to my message fast enough... no love you or miss you - no surprise there, told me it was sweet of me to leave him something for valentines day and that he watered the flowers.
Yeah, i guess it would be worse if he wouldn't answer at all. I don't know if i should write him myself, or just completely stop all communication until he writes me...
I gotta say he ztill takes care of me financially and after all i left, yes he did everything to make it happen, but it's me who said i want to go. Ofc when i am crying and sad i prefer to think that he kicked me out like an uneanted animal and that he is a total jerk, and he is, don't get me wrong, but he keeps his promises so far.
Today after i cried about his response ( and what did i expect?) i got angry enough to learn my first words in foreign language. And it felt good. So more learning less husband.
I feel a lot of anger and pain, too much to communicate in any healthy manner. Good that texting can hide the anger and tears.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12446
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Yet another love, but not in love.
#58: February 15, 2024, 03:20:01 AM
(Sentence 1) Today after i cried about his response ( and what did i expect?) i got angry enough to learn my first words in foreign language. And it felt good. So more learning less husband.

(Sentence 2) Well, he answered to my message fast enough... no love you or miss you - no surprise there, told me it was sweet of me to leave him something for valentines day and that he watered the flowers.
Yeah, i guess it would be worse if he wouldn't answer at all. I don't know if i should write him myself, or just completely stop all communication until he writes me...

I rearranged your note above because, you have, in a way, answered (in sentence 1) your own questions (in sentence 2)

Your question about what did you expect is a valid one because, if you ended up in a ball of tears because of his lack of response (or at least the lack of any sort of emotional response), it would tend to indicate that you DID have some expectations there. Unmet expectations are the cause of disappointment and sadness...

So, look in the mirror and ask "What do I hope to gain by writing him? What response do I want to see (what do I expect)? How likely is it that he will respond in the way I expected?" If you can TRUTHFULLY say that you do NOT expect ANY sort of emotional reply from him (in other words, you have no expectations that he will act as the person formerly known as H and not as the Bat-Snot Crazy Mid-Lifer Body Snatcher that looks like the person formerly known as H) and you are OK with that, then you have your answer to your question in Sentence 2.  If, on the other hand, you are still expecting him to suddenly have a rectal-Cranial deinvertilization (in other words, you are still expecting him to pull his head out of his,,,,,  fog.... ) then you also have your answer because, well, how often does the LBS need to stab themselves in the nose with a barbecue fork before they understand that the self-inflicted pain is just not working for them anymore....
  • Logged
Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#59: February 17, 2024, 03:02:25 PM
Yeah, he was crying and saying how he wanted to be invisible and he has his friends over each weekend...
Full of BS.
I want to go home:(
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12446
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Yet another love, but not in love.
#60: February 19, 2024, 01:02:54 AM
Yeah, he was crying and saying how he wanted to be invisible and he has his friends over each weekend...
Full of BS.
I want to go home:(

Another instance of MLC
  • Logged
Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#61: February 19, 2024, 03:16:24 PM
Well i am not a present either, got my head a little bit cleared out, will stay here for a month and then return to the country i lived in and will try to establish my individual life there, cause whats the point sitring on my ass waiting for his decisions. It's gonna be hard, but i need to prove myself i can be independent person and i can be so much more than i was with him.
Informed him, that i return, for technical reasons. He didn't mind, i guesse, idk by his tone. Whatever, he can live his live, i have mine to live.
  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#62: February 20, 2024, 04:47:24 PM
Yeah, he was crying and saying how he wanted to be invisible and he has his friends over each weekend...
Full of BS.
I want to go home:(

Another instance of MLC


I will just quote you every time, because you are right! New portion ( less than 2 weeks that i am out of home)
Remembered some things he forgot about himself
Discovered some new ones
Not the same as he was before
Still have things to figure out.
I just asked how was he... and out of the blue he decided to share this.
Less than 2 weeks ffs, ofc u are not the same you were before me, u found out that towel and bathroom mat are two different things, not to mention all the rest Huge difference i brought in your life... Complementing somebody daily can bring their self-esteem to the new heights..
Lol, anyway i am in deep deep pit, that is MLC in marriage.
But i have a plan now, it's good. As someone said earlier i will rebound from those "insights" faster and faster. You were right. My head is occupied with different kind of problem now, which is me:)
I understood i am not ready to change the country again. Learn another language, new rules and all of that. So i need to find a way to stay where i lived for the last 6-7 years. And finally find some friends, job and all of it.
I will be very busy. With myself. Just trying to tell my head - enough of him, we have a big job to do on me!
  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#63: February 24, 2024, 03:49:50 AM
Every morning i waje up with anxiety, it's not fun at all and i realize this is my reality for many months now and ahead.
For now i am surrounded by friends and their support, so i let myself go, let myself fall appart, but it can't be forever and i need to find a way to put myself together when i am back, cause i have things to do. Life doesn't stop for me to fall appart or have my time or whatever.
I am in contact with my husband only by my own initiative, he answers, polite as he is, we will talk next week, cause i asked for it, just talk on the phone, but i don't want to talk any serious stuff, just a simple talk about nothing, cause i miss his voice.
I don't feel either like going dark, cause why should i? He didn't ask for it and i don't feel that way, we are still husband and wife in fact, even if i and him have our own crisises. We are not strangers to each other and i don't want to act like we are.
I will prepare for my jorney in upcoming week, i really want to go back to the more familiar environment, cause this shift of Everything is not the stress i need right now.
I still cry, not every day usually, but it's the way to relief some pain and stress. I manage to keep myself busy to not think about him every minute or hour, thats a positive thing.
As i read a lot about MLC and other ppl stories i realize and somehow got used to the thought that it's not gonna be fast, or that he will want to reconcile or work on our relationship, i don't know the outcome, no one does, but for now i don't believe this marriage is gonna survive. It's hard to even write, still the statistics is pretty obvious...
I don't feel like being bitter, or vindictive, it's not me
I don't feel like divorcing or standing for years, it's not me either
I would like to keep good relationship with him, after all he is the only friend i have there and we do have some common interests
I don't like that for now he sets all the rules, we separate because he wants to, i leave because he wants me to, he thinks he is in charge of letting me go or letting me stay or what i do with my life, which is not true at all. I am my own person but he doesn't have this impression, cause he is very used to me following his lead.
I don't regret separation though, no metter how hard it is, it gives me a necessary perspective of myself and my own life. After all i adapt better and faster in extreme circumstances and it's the push i needed for many years.
I don't want to loose kind and nice person i am, to the pain and difficulties, i want to see me smiling, i want to see me proud of me, i want to see me strong as i am and let myself be weak as i am.
I hope to feel blessed again, like i'v been feeling for so many years of my life. I hope good things are there for me and i am walking towards them.

  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#64: February 25, 2024, 04:10:26 PM
Cried again, send him my photo he didn't answer. Yeah i know it's not the right thing to do.
Yeah i know i am hurting myself.
It seems i am to blame for everything for doing, for not doing, for trying, for crying, for inflicting all this pain to myself...
How to not feel guilty qhen everything you feel and want to do is completely wrong according to someone?
Yeah i know - let go. Let go of my life, that i loved so much, of my home, of my family...
No wonder i cry. Isn't it too much to ask of a person who didn't do anything to have such a disaster happening in no time? Just sit tight, it's gonna pass, get a life, smile make friends... Are u kidding me? I barely get myself out of the bed in the morning, i live god knows where and i lost the only person i could seek protection and support from in my entire life.
It's like here is a challenge for you, on top of awfulness that happened To you.
Just a moment of self pitty. Just another evening crying. Just another evening telling myself i am gonna make it. Just another part of hope lost.
He is not partying and having fun over there, he doesn't do anything in fact except going to work and sitting at home. Yeah had friends over for the first two weekends, but not anymore.
I don't know why he has to suffer, why i have to suffer. It doesn't make any sence. So yeah. I am crying through this.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12305
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#65: February 25, 2024, 05:18:31 PM
You are in an impossible situation that you never imagined could have happened...there is no need to blame yourself for anything you do or don't do. You are not going to make the situation with your husband worse. The "advice" that is given here works for some people, but it is not one size fits all.

There is no "playbook" for dealing with our emotions/depression/sadness/ hopelessness/despair. Sometimes, we yearn so much for any connection to them that we reach out, and their rejection smacks us in the face...and we wonder...why did I do that? Then we tell ourselves " I shouldn't have done that, what made me do that...all the self talk that causes more anxiety and stress.

Imagine you are in a fierce storm in a boat and you are holding on with all your strength to the mast, the waves are crashing against you, pushing you from side to side and you start to think "I am not going to make it" so you try and hold on tighter and tighter until your strength gives out and you let go because there just isn't any more in you to hold on with.

And you don't drown or get washed overboard. The storm subsides, the waves ease and the sky lightens and life resumes towards your destination. Perhaps you are off course and end up in another destination, who knows which place will be "better" for you.

I cried every single day for hours. I did not think that anyone could have so many tears. Crying is the body's response to grief and many chemicals are released so it's not a bad thing.

Quote
It doesn't make any sence. So yeah. I am crying through this.

It doesn't make any sense and we were caught totally off guard. We just want to wake up from the nightmare and we cannot because the nightmare is real.

What to do in these very early acute stage. Therapy, medication, friends to talk to who listen ( my friends lived on the other side of the world, one friend told me I had called her and cried for 3 1/2 hours on the phone. She didn't hang up on me. It was in the middle of the night where I was living).

I have always been a very resilient take charge woman, his crisis crushed me.

But the human spirit is remarkably resilient and the pieces of who I am gradually started to come together again. Not because I followed any instructions or guides from others (although I read over 100 books on how to save your marriage) but because I started to understand that this was his crisis and learning more about the psychology of his crisis as well as the support of some amazing people let me gradually come up for air.

The people here, we know...we have gone through this pain and yes, we came out the other side...and you will too. You will too. One day, the amount of tears will decrease, one day, you will not even cry and you'll think...wow, imagine that.

Today is not that day, probably not tomorrow either.

Quote
Just sit tight, it's gonna pass, get a life, smile make friends... Are u kidding me?

I know, it sounds and feels like platitudes. These are the things that slowly helped me recover, to heal...because my heart, as broken as it was, continues to want joy for me. It takes so much time to get to a place of ease....but gradually you will get to that place. Almost every story here, every LBSer does heal...but not as quickly as we would like.

((((HUGS)))))
  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 25, 2024, 05:21:05 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

R
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2381
Yet another love, but not in love.
#66: February 25, 2024, 07:24:11 PM
Quote
The people here, we know...we have gone through this pain and yes, we came out the other side...and you will too. You will too. One day, the amount of tears will decrease, one day, you will not even cry and you'll think...wow, imagine that.

Yes, you will too. I also cried for hours each day.

You will make it through this, as painful as it is, to the other side.
  • Logged

T
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 6097
Yet another love, but not in love.
#67: February 26, 2024, 02:53:33 AM
I cried day in, day out, for literally years.  And I did get through it.  I was probably the biggest mess on this forum, and even I came through. 

I completely understand that it sounds like platitudes, but you will make it.
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12485
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#68: February 26, 2024, 03:42:13 AM
I hope it is some small comfort and encouragement that plenty of us have been just where you are and felt a bit crazy or less than when we couldn’t seem to easily get out of that place.

I am conscious that you said in your first post that you have an anxiety disorder.

Imho getting practical and therapeutic support with that right now is the pressing priority.
Above almost anything else.

To create some sense of stable ground under your feet and feel more confident that you can regulate your own emotional swirl.
To be able to respond not react.
To be able to hear the difference between the chatter of your amygdala and the thoughts of your frontal cortex.
Life gets easier to navigate, even in tough times, when one can do that more easily.

And of course, as I know you know, that is not something your h can fix for you, even in easier times than this.

Do you have an IC?
Or do you know where you can find the right kind of short term support?
Please try to do that.
I can hear the swirl and I’m concerned for you.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 26, 2024, 03:52:25 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#69: February 26, 2024, 06:36:08 AM
It doesn't make any sense and we were caught totally off guard. We just want to wake up from the nightmare and we cannot because the nightmare is real.

What to do in these very early acute stage. Therapy, medication, friends to talk to who listen ( my friends lived on the other side of the world, one friend told me I had called her and cried for 3 1/2 hours on the phone. She didn't hang up on me. It was in the middle of the night where I was living).

I have always been a very resilient take charge woman, his crisis crushed me.

Thanks you for saying it, i`v been strong all my life and this constant misery makes me feel like i am failing myself, like i am not able to find the good way to make it better. Yes i feel crushed sometimes, like a warrior who finally fell after one too many bullet in the back.
I am blessed with you people, with this community, because the amount of support i get is amazing.
I guess that it is pretty obvious that i am still strong, still a surviver and in a way there are two parallèle process going on in me. One is last evening tears and despear, that is with me every day. Another is my inner strong self moving forward with my life step by step. Making the descisions that are right for me in current situation and doing things to achieve my goals that has nothing to do with my husband. 

Quote
The people here, we know...we have gone through this pain and yes, we came out the other side...and you will too. You will too. One day, the amount of tears will decrease, one day, you will not even cry and you'll think...wow, imagine that.

Today is not that day, probably not tomorrow either.

I have days when i dont cry, i know there will be more days when i will. I recognize the need of tears and grief and anger and rebellion against them. So i just go through. Still, you all, this forum, is a priceless gift from God to me, cause sharing with each other here i think helps even more than therapy and closest friends, Cause we get it. Cause you get it. So your kindness and support is my way forward to tomorrow where i will not want to cry, and i can only hope that for those who read it helps them too, to realise, that we are normal to feel pain and grief and that we get better, all together in our own phase.

Quote
Just sit tight, it's gonna pass, get a life, smile make friends... Are u kidding me?

I know, it sounds and feels like platitudes. These are the things that slowly helped me recover, to heal...because my heart, as broken as it was, continues to want joy for me. It takes so much time to get to a place of ease....but gradually you will get to that place. Almost every story here, every LBSer does heal...but not as quickly as we would like.

((((HUGS)))))
[/quote]

Yeah thats a big thing that also makes me cry, my heart wanting joy andf happiness for me, i feel i am betraying it instead, when i dont make any effort or not enough affort to be happy, to feel joy. Still i try every day, slowly it gets better, with each cmile, with each look in the sky without the heavy thoughts...

Yes, you will too. I also cried for hours each day.

You will make it through this, as painful as it is, to the other side.

Thank you for sharing this with me, It helps, it helps so much i cant express with words.

I cried day in, day out, for literally years.  And I did get through it.  I was probably the biggest mess on this forum, and even I came through. 

I completely understand that it sounds like platitudes, but you will make it.

That sounds like you`v been through hell and that you made it to another side and is able to support somebody going through hell right now. It sounds Awesome. It sounds not even like a hope, but like a promise, a promise i believe in.


I hope it is some small comfort and encouragement that plenty of us have been just where you are and felt a bit crazy or less than when we couldn’t seem to easily get out of that place.

I am conscious that you said in your first post that you have an anxiety disorder.


And of course, as I know you know, that is not something your h can fix for you, even in easier times than this.

Do you have an IC?
Or do you know where you can find the right kind of short term support?
Please try to do that.
I can hear the swirl and I’m concerned for you.


It helps me alot to have you guys talking to me, still in the matter of my actuall mental health things are going descent, I work with my psychiatre every week now, she keeps in check my intake of drugs that can cause dependance, i didn`t crush in the full blown depression, i am far away from going to hospital, situation with anxiety disorder is my priority above all and as an experienced user of this wonderfull brain bug, i think i am getting to a better place with that. actually i am pretty surprised myself, that it goes smoother than i though)) I am gonna be fine that way, that at least i am sure of. 
It`s pretty amazing that we can go through this together i and my disorder and not crush and burn, last time it was different and i grew so much more in this direction i am proud of myself)
Still thank you for your concern and support. I see you understand.
 
  • Logged

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#70: February 26, 2024, 06:49:07 AM
And some things i take with a sence of humor, really:)
He is a 5yo, always been, always will be.
Friday i tell him that i would like to talk, monday or Tuesday cause i miss his voice.
I wasn't intending to have serious conversation, just a bla bla abouth this and that. He agrees immediately, no problem:)
Last seen in whatsapp yesterday, messages now are not being delivered (blocked? I don't think so, just switched of his phone probably).
Lol, it's really a good tactics when ppl know where you live:)))
Probably not having the great day today,but still escape and avoid in my husbands way is so childlike  and funny:)))
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12485
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#71: February 26, 2024, 09:02:42 AM
Good to know you have support, thanks for letting us know.
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#72: February 27, 2024, 03:24:30 PM
So he answers today, that he is not in a good or positive mood, so maybe we can speak tomorrow or later... i say i understand and we can talk when he feels like it.
We have a joint bank account. In the evening i see that he had a dinner in the region where Only his EA lives... till 9.40 pm. By the amount of money he paid for both... #%#$#$
They didn't go out during non working days before, ever. She has kid and husband at home ffs.
But apparently now they do. Wonderful.
My first thought was hope - he told her everything and quit his job.
My second thought was awful fear - They are together
Now that i lay in the bed, after calming myself down i don't know what it was, he will not tell me anyway and what can i do? I can't stop it. Can't stop him.
Can only breathe out the anxiety and sleep well tonight.
I am not ready for divorce:( and if they are together he will demand it very soon.
  • Logged

K
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 274
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#73: February 28, 2024, 01:20:37 PM
I'm trying to think of the best words to say to you because you are only a few months in and I remember this time well. I felt like I'd been tasered. It's so hard to even know what to think because we keep getting battered over and over. So instead of having space to really think, we just react. I think we all did it. Either react with catastrophising aka an emotional meltdown or react by trying to reach the MLCr for some sort of answer or comfort. I learned, neither really made any sense or gave me any comfort. What helped me, was to create a safe haven for myself, with only people I truly trusted allowed in. That meant my H was out of the loop. I told him this. I told him I wanted space to heal. In the main, he respected this. I suggest that directly, or indirectly, your H is trying to poke you (or get some sort of rise/attention) with that restaurant bill. Clearly he knows you will see it. Consider coming off that account if you can. Set up your own account. Cut out that conduit of pain (and control). You see, our imaginations make a much prettier picture than really exists. Really there are two betraying people, having dinner, which likely tasted sour, as they look across the table at the betraying mirror of themselves. It's not a pretty picture at all. His behaviour, and hers (if you care to even consider it) says everything about them. Nothing about you. Believe me, I know it's hard, but if you cut out all the pain shopping and refocus your gaze on those in your life that deserve your love and care, you will slowly start to heal. For now, he is not worthy of you. Fact. Sending hugs and solidarity... KD
  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 28, 2024, 01:25:02 PM by KayDee »

A
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 46
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#74: March 02, 2024, 02:52:19 AM
I'm trying to think of the best words to say to you because you are only a few months in and I remember this time well. I felt like I'd been tasered. It's so hard to even know what to think because we keep getting battered over and over. So instead of having space to really think, we just react. I think we all did it. Either react with catastrophising aka an emotional meltdown or react by trying to reach the MLCr for some sort of answer or comfort. I learned, neither really made any sense or gave me any comfort. What helped me, was to create a safe haven for myself, with only people I truly trusted allowed in. That meant my H was out of the loop. I told him this. I told him I wanted space to heal. In the main, he respected this. I suggest that directly, or indirectly, your H is trying to poke you (or get some sort of rise/attention) with that restaurant bill. Clearly he knows you will see it. Consider coming off that account if you can. Set up your own account. Cut out that conduit of pain (and control). You see, our imaginations make a much prettier picture than really exists. Really there are two betraying people, having dinner, which likely tasted sour, as they look across the table at the betraying mirror of themselves. It's not a pretty picture at all. His behaviour, and hers (if you care to even consider it) says everything about them. Nothing about you. Believe me, I know it's hard, but if you cut out all the pain shopping and refocus your gaze on those in your life that deserve your love and care, you will slowly start to heal. For now, he is not worthy of you. Fact. Sending hugs and solidarity... KD

I think in a way i am past the stage of being frozen and shocked, yeah it happened, my husband is in MLC and i can't change it. I don't trust his words or his actions, more so his promises.
I think he is so concentrated on himself he doesn't even realize that i see what he is doing and when. And it has definitely nothing to do with him trying to poke me. He just tries to figure out himself, get that poor lady to be with him and keep his head above the water, feeling that each day he drowns a bit more.
He does take care of home and himself, but i know for a fact that there are a lot of big things, important things that he procrastinates on, making that huge snowball of trouble that can potentially be my trouble, so i prefer to keep it in check for now. It's nothing new, he was always this way, i was the one dealing with the fruits of his procrastination.
I work on having no expectations of him and letting go, focusing on my own life goals.
I guess from hoping for the better i came to the point of expecting the worst possible/having no expectations at all (depending on the life aspect) from him.
For example he wanted to talk this sunday and give me the ride from the airport on monday, i don't expect anything of this happening cause the mood can switch and he can go into his hiding. Or tell me something that i don't want to hear, or be nice. No one knows, he doesn't too:)
So i count on myself and what i can do now, to put my life back on track.
  • Logged

K
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 274
  • Gender: Female
Yet another love, but not in love.
#75: March 02, 2024, 03:16:31 AM
You sound like you are in a better place Anoi - good to read. What you wrote about you H trying to keep his head above water - yes! I think the same for my H. Exactly. Thanks for reframing it. In my case though, I still think it is both things - on one hand focusing entirely on what he needs to be 'happy' in the moment (therefore, no strategic or longterm thinking beyond that moment) and a kind of destructive/self destructive approach to his actions that burn bridges through continuing to inflict pain.

Anyway, glad you now count on yourself - that way you know you will get to the airport  8)
  • Logged

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.