Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Crisis, transition, something else?

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 8222
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: Crisis, transition, something else?
#10: February 04, 2024, 02:05:28 PM
As far as your house, if you're in the states and you're both on the deed, since he's agreeable you might have him sign a quit claim deed that will remove him. Research that or consult an attorney about it. That's what I did. You can possibly assume your loan or refinance in time, but that will give you rights should you want him removed from the home at any point (not saying you will - but like with everything in this, striking while the mood is right can be to your benefit for future incidents).

It's incredibly cruel that he's treating you like a buddy, as though it is appropriate. When mine did that in the early days (OW broke up with him briefly after their affair was outed, and he tried to meet other women - bringing me their business cards so I could "work with them" while he dated them, like it was a team sport!  ??? ::) ). You absolutely can shut down hearing anything about it. You can be straightforward in how you direct it, without making it personally about your feelings or his. Something like, "It's inappropriate for you to discuss this with me." It's not, "You hurt me when you say that," - because part of "monster", even what RCR called "puppy monster" that wasn't a mean oaf but was still cruel, will enjoy getting a rise out of your emotions. Even when he talks about his emotions in a way that makes you somehow responsible for giving him a pep talk (mine would have these long 'coffee talks' with me that cut into my work day and basically turned me into his life coach), you can say, "You're better off finding someone else to help you with this" and just leaving him to it - even if that means walking out of the room, or counter-intuitively going somewhere else when you feel like being clingy. You'll break yourself of your own bad habits around it. Trust me - they leave anyway. You're not building a bond that's going to make him behave better, unfortunately. But it's good that you do know that there's a third party in the wings. Be prepared. But also, build your independence. Hugs.
  • Logged

K
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 13
  • Gender: Female
Crisis, transition, something else?
#11: February 05, 2024, 07:29:22 AM
I live in Europe, and I'm not sure what is and isn't possible here, but we have a meeting set up tomorrow with a financial advisor to discuss options. My H was rather surprised that I set this up so quickly, he seemed almost offended somehow and said he expected us to first discuss options together. Maybe he feels left out in some way, or perhaps he feels hurt that I would think he doesn't know these things? I have no clue, but I told him I didn't really see a point in us discussing between us until I actually have an overview of what the options are. I really hope I will be able to put the house on my name, but I'm worried the bank won't accept it.

Regarding the buddy thing, I really don't understand how this works in his mind. He thinks he can just ditch me like this and then expect to be buddies after? I'm trying to detach and be away from him as much as possible, but that's hard with him still living here. Also the mixed messages are just so maddening sometimes.. he has feelings for this OW and they are mutual, but he doesn't want a relationship yet and he is in no hurry to push our divorce through because he first needs to work on himself. He doesn't want to tell the kids yet that we're separating, but he's quite sure that this is what he wants. He has no clue how he will feel next month though. Oh, and of course he would like to join me and the kids on holiday this summer....

I told him this morning that he can sleep on the couch from now on, because I don't think it's appropriate for him to sleep in the same bed as me when he's already halfway into a relationship with someone else. His response was that he understands, but "he sees that differently, although it is probably where things are headed". What the hell am I to make of that?

I think I will keep my distance again for the coming time, spend time with the kids and doing fun stuff, but keep contact with my H to a minimum. I think I need some time to get to a calmer state again
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12446
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Crisis, transition, something else?
#12: February 05, 2024, 07:54:23 AM
I found I think a picture of your H

  • Logged
Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

K
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 274
  • Gender: Female
Crisis, transition, something else?
#13: February 05, 2024, 07:55:40 AM
Best not to try to make sense of it. It will keep changing anyway. My H said to me 'this relationship is everything I want' - the next day he left. This is one of a very large collection of contradictory and/or head-scratching things he has said. Better to watch his actions really. I don't like to infantalize the person in crisis, but the behaviours often mirror those of adolescents or teenagers. I believe there is a psychological explanation to this, broadly that part of a person gets 'stuck' at the time of a significant trauma. We also return to what we know when things overwhelm us - this could be early coping strategies - running away or seeking new pastures wins the prize here - or the known of our families (even if we don't particularly like them). So often there is a regression seen in the behaviour.

What's staggering (but unsurprising in the context of MLC) is that your H somehow expects you to join him in his holding pattern, where he preps himself up for divorce and a new relationship, while you emotionally struggle to keep afloat. The entitlement is off the charts. I know it is really hard in the very early days, but you need to focus on your own well-being -  triage yourself with an emotionally safe home space, support from friends/family/IC, and activities that lift your mood (exercise, hobbies, dining out etc). If he is leaving, he needs to respect your space to heal. He won't get this, you will like have to put in your own boundaries.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 05, 2024, 07:57:16 AM by KayDee »

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12485
  • Gender: Female
Crisis, transition, something else?
#14: February 05, 2024, 08:11:30 AM
Quote
His response was that he understands, but "he sees that differently, although it is probably where things are headed". What the hell am I to make of that?

I call it ‘word salad’ bc it’s almost like hearing someone throw a random set of words into a bowl. Fish. Awful. Happy. Aardvark. Fusion and fission. (My xh actually used that one when I was trying to arrange a date for him to pick up his possessions  :)) Folks use word salad to deflect and avoid more direct communication usually. Or to manipulate. And passive 3rd party….something happened vs I did something…to avoid consequences and accountability. And how entitled he is that he evidently still thinks you are interested in hearing his opinions about what works or does not for you. I remember my xh, just before the divorce was finalised and after literally years of stonewalling, WTF and ghosting me for long patches of time, was shocked, shocked I tell you, when I turned down his offer to talk every other day at 1830 albeit with a list of undiscussables lol. I said that I could see no point to that and that divorcd kind of meant no future conversations from my pov, so no thanks. His response? ‘I refuse to accept your paradigm’…… my (unspoken) response? You pompous weirdo, I don’t remember asking your permission….and it’s not a paradigm, it’s a choice.  ::) ;D

I suspect your h is doing a bit of all of this, perhaps trying to keep his home options open while he nibbles on external cake  ::) so well done you for saying he can sleep on the couch. Award yourself 500 decent human points if you have not hidden spikes or faeces in the couch cushions  :)
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

t
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 182
  • Gender: Female
Crisis, transition, something else?
#15: February 05, 2024, 08:47:35 AM
Fwiw, I think you're handling it well.  You set your boundaries and put him on the couch. Also quickly set up a formal meeting to discuss finances. Good!  As everyone says it is time to look after yourself.  At this point, your H can't be trusted.  You will heal better when he is out of your house.  As we suspected, it is the feelings for the co-worker which massively contributed (imo) to him leaving.  He is setting the stage for a relationship with her so you won't be surprised-- I personally don't believe he will wait to work through things first as he claims...but I guess we will see.  In front of him-- I would give her very little oxygen.  You are the prize, the wife and mother of his children--act accordingly.

Here is just one gal's opinion.  I would be pleasant in my short interactions, but in no way ask him to reconsider etc...(you already told him you love him, so he knows). Show strength even if you don't feel it.  I believe that they think that you are going to fight for them and when you don't it sort of shocks them -- they do gain some respect for you.  My H even asked me just recently (reconciled for a year and a half) why I didn't fight for him.  Do you believe that?  I just said that I knew that your mind was made up and nothing I would say would change it.  So at least throw your H off his game and take back some power.  I think you're doing extremely well.  But remember to 100% look after yourself in all ways (health, financial etc....) So you will be fine either way.   Hugs!

B

  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 05, 2024, 10:14:12 AM by thissucks7788 »

K
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 13
  • Gender: Female
Crisis, transition, something else?
#16: February 05, 2024, 11:20:43 AM
I found I think a picture of your H

Haha, that does seem like him 😁 Thanks for making me smile, I can use that right now
  • Logged

K
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 13
  • Gender: Female
Crisis, transition, something else?
#17: February 05, 2024, 11:31:32 AM
The entitlement is off the charts.

Talking about entitlement, he just asked if we could take turns sleeping on the couch, and was quite shocked when I took a moment and then said I would think about it, but that this situation is caused by him and I find it a bit strange that I would need to sleep on the couch for that. He actually looked hurt.

Update: after a long walk he came back to say he would like to claim the small room and put a bed there for himself (fine with me) and that he was surprised with my reaction, but mostly with the twinkle he saw in my eyes. As if I had found a new part of myself, and he enjoyed seeing me flourish like that.
I'll just take that compliment without trying to figure out what that means (I should definitely do that more often) and be happy that he didn't come back with anger or resentment. He hasn't shown any of that since the first few weeks luckily, though in some ways it would be so much easier to move on if he did..
  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 05, 2024, 11:59:59 AM by KeepCalmAndCarryOn »

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12446
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Crisis, transition, something else?
#18: February 06, 2024, 06:58:34 AM
The entitlement is off the charts.

Talking about entitlement, he just asked if we could take turns sleeping on the couch, and was quite shocked when I took a moment and then said I would think about it, but that this situation is caused by him and I find it a bit strange that I would need to sleep on the couch for that. He actually looked hurt.

Too bad, so sad..... His choices, his consequences.....

Update: after a long walk he came back to say he would like to claim the small room and put a bed there for himself (fine with me) and that he was surprised with my reaction, but mostly with the twinkle he saw in my eyes. As if I had found a new part of myself, and he enjoyed seeing me flourish like that.
I'll just take that compliment without trying to figure out what that means (I should definitely do that more often) and be happy that he didn't come back with anger or resentment. He hasn't shown any of that since the first few weeks luckily, though in some ways it would be so much easier to move on if he did..
Ah yes... the old "See? You're already doing better off without me" sadz..... Page 18 of the "MLC for Dummies" playbook....

In other words, from him
  • Logged
Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

K
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 13
  • Gender: Female
Crisis, transition, something else?
#19: February 08, 2024, 05:18:10 AM
So, he has found an apartment. He can move there 1st of March.
I'm mostly happy, the situation has been growing more awkward after the recent developments. He is still very friendly and nice, but that is exactly what makes it awkward. There is still no realization or empathy for how this situation is for me, no realization that living together with me while checking availability of his colleague is not ok. Also, he says will use the time in his apartment to work on his issues, and I hope he actually does that. He actually started talking about finding a therapist again, so who knows. It will also give me more time and space to actually start focussing on myself when he's not around all the time.
What I'm really dreading though, is telling the kids. I'm really worried about how they will take it, this will be as unexpected for them as it was for me. Especially our eldest is quite sensitive. He doesn't take big changes well and he's not a talker (like his dad....)
I keep going round and round in my head about what we should tell them. My H wants to tell them that he is struggling and needs time and space to work through it. On the one hand I am fine with this, because to me this is very much the truth. But I don't want to give them the kids this shock first, en then give them another shock later on when they hear he wants a divorce. At the same time, I don't want to tell them now that he wants a divorce only to tell them in a few months that he had a change of heart. I know the chance of that is not that high, but he is sometimes saying things like "I have no idea how I will feel next month". I know I shouldn't cling to hope, and I think I'm quite realistic that this chance is very small. But, I do want to minimize confusion for the kids...
  • Logged

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.