Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story MLCer has asked for marriage certificate to start divorce I am devastated.

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 16
  • Gender: Female
Hi all - new here - my husband of 10 years partner of 15 BD 15/04/23 - we have 2 children and I was pregnant with child 3 at the time - was 6 months. Left because he needed to find what makes him happy - moves to parents and I’m pretty sure AP was there all along - long story.  Bought new car and run up £17,500 debt on credit.

He announced relationship 2 weeks after baby was born, has been just vile to me a bit narcissistic which I’ve never noticed before - ended things via text and seems so angry . Is like I never existed all feelings completely gone overnight.

Introduced children to partner yesterday - he has been impatient and angry with the kids for months - wouldn’t come to delivery room to meet baby etc. but yesterday was a different person again - I always used to want to take the kids out on a weekend but he never wanted too. And seems to be doing everything I needed him to do with her - including taking her to all these places we been to over the years and doing things together that we did on our honeymoon and telling the kids so they tell me.

I’ve been super understanding not been angry just letting him explore but it is so hard I am so heartbroken he’s talking ti me like a business partner. He does occasionally reach out with an apology and says he feels bad..and I see the old him..

Initially I wanted to stand but he has done so much damage I don’t eee how I can end it he will ever come back again but li don’t no affect how do I navigate it all I’m still so heartbroken 💔
  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 19, 2024, 09:35:58 PM by Thunder »

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4854
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
Hello,

I am so sorry that you are here and the details of what has transpired in your life the past few months. So he speaks to you like a business partner? Then right now, get down to business. Protect your finances for you and your children. MLCers can run up a lot of debt and leave you and your children with little to nothing. If you need to get a separation filed and child support, get it filed. I dislike writing this because your heart is impacted by this, but he is not focused on you or your children's best interests at all.

The affair partner is a symptom, a serious symptom, but a symptom none the less. Just know that if it wasn't her, it would be someone else. She is just another thing to make him, drum roll or eye roll accepted here, happy. He introduced the children to OW because he wants to make sure everyone can see how happy he is and that everyone can be happy too- even you.

Yes, from time to time, he will reach out and apologize, but from his mindset, he feels that this is all for the best as he has found his long lost happiness. Just know that this is a process and it takes a lot of time.

So the best things to do right now is focus on your self care and the children. You need to rest when you can, eat right, and get your bearings back so that you can be stronger and ready to take care of the kids. As far as he is doing the things with her that he used to do with you, that often happens. MLCers are more focused on just doing and not being creative, so it is easy just to redo the things that he did with you, with her. When your children bring up his life with the affair partner, just quietly shut it down, "Well, that sounds nice, but let's talk about what you are going to do here with me."

Keep posting and know that this forum is a documentation of your journey and we are here to support you.

Take care of the baby and have an awesome day,

(((Ready)))
  • Logged
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 16
  • Gender: Female
Thankyou so much for a wonderful reply - it’s so hard to make sense of it, when you see glimmers of the old person but then are quickly reminded they are not there anymore.

I know it’s a process, it is one I wish I was strong enough to hold and remain standing but I just don’t think I can do it to myself anymore. Not trying to keep my own head above water and that of the kids one of who had AuDHD it’s so hard with the adjustments.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4854
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
Hello,

Read the threads of titleholder and MomofSteel. Both dealt with MLCers that left them with young children and to be with alienators and find their happiness.
I am sorry because I know how much work a mother goes through each and every day.

Just remember that the early stages of replay with the newness of OW and buying a lot of new things are hard. It just seems as if they truly are happy and we were the ones that kept them down. However, the bills come due and OW doesn't seem to be the perfect partner either. That's the reality and it bites bad. Now, the MLCer is even more miserable and in a far worse situation than ever before.

Others will come and post advice. Just know that while there are many similarities, each story is unique on its own.

I often notice that prior to bomb drop, there is something significant that happens prior to bob drop. It can be a great success or tragedy. In my situation, my ex's mom passed away about a year before bomb drop. It was really sad because her mother was going to spend the summer with her but died in the spring.
 
It just started the spiral that culminated with her full crisis. Of course, the death wasn't the only event. It was a trigger for many of her family issues that she had for years before I crossed her path.

Another thing that took me years to realize is that the crisis is not a crisis of you, the kids, or your marriage. This is within them and you are just collateral damage.

Continue to post and have an awesome day,

(((Ready)))
  • Logged
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 16
  • Gender: Female
I don’t know really there could be a number of things, I nearly died 5 years ago had a cardiac arrest in my sleep was awful few days were touch and go. It was so tramatic but really made us appreciate llife and love, just before this he had a bit of a wobble, then Covid hit and in the September last year his close friend who is younger than him was diagnosed with cancer - I know in the beginning he said To me you only get one life you are proof of that and I need to be happy.

He cries all the time when he visits the kids and sometimes just looks at the baby and bursts into tears but if I try and comfort him he just pushes me away and. Continues to blame me for everything. I made the decision I didn’t feel comfortable to have him at the birth, 1. he couldn’t have supported me emotionally 2. I didn’t want to get cross with him and say stuff etc when I was in pain 3.i don’t think emotionally he would have handled it - it was awful. The baby ended up going into neonatal and he still even then wouldn’t come to the hospital to meet him - said if he wasn’t good enough for labour he wasn’t good enough for anything else - and blames me now for the relationship he has with the baby said he resents me.  :'(

As you said at the beginning the workload is insane 3 on my own one of which being a small baby and I’ve done all the newborn stage - whilst he is out living his best life. Then I feel sad because I feel like I could have forgave him - but I I’ve had to do so much I don’t know if I ever could.

Thankyou I’ll have a read of those it’s so nice to know  we are not alone in this - it’s really a rollercoaster.

 
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12485
  • Gender: Female
Have you taken legal advice?
Do you have friends/family support close to where you live?
How able - or not - are you to be financially self supporting?
How old are you both?

I am very sorry that you find yourself in this situation with a newborn. Imho there should be a special bench in hell for men who cheat on and abandon pregnant wives. I can’t even imagine how hard this has been for you.

All of which is to say that imho you need to turn your eye full square on financially and emotionally protecting your needs and your children’s needs. And that means turning off your support tap to/for your h who, unlike your small ones, is at least technically an adult. Right now - and this may or may not be who he will continue to be, but it is what he is now - your h’s happy fix is a new car, living with his parents, some debt to buy shiny things and an OW. It isn’t sleepless nights, diaoers, laundry, cooking and protecting his wife and family. And OW is at best a self centred foolish woman bc any woman who has an affair with a man with small children and a pregnant t wife gets just the kind of man she’s paid for. Please don’t feel any need to compete bc any OW who does this is a pretty poor quality human or worry that OW will ‘take’ your children - they may be cute temporary objects for her to try to impress your h but as you know, three small humans are not ideal for romantic evenings lol.

Please do not get sucked into his sadz as the consequences of his choices start to bite. They are not your monkeys and are how adult humans learn….if you still wanted him back, I presume you would prefer an adult as opposed to a man child.

Take whatever steps you need to take to protect f yourself and your kids from it all. Set up a visitation schedule for him to see/take the kids to his parents and keep interactions to a bare minimum so you are not sucked into his nonsense. Ypu have enough on your own plate to let him get on with dealing with his own chosen one. So, for instance, his relationship with his children is inevitably and entirely predictably affected when you leave your pregnant wife and children, duh. He can resent it/you all he wants, but he chose it ….,That’s not your mess to tidy up or dance around. And get some legal advice pronto as he is already running up debt, and tbh as your youngest is so little, find out how you can limit his time away from you bc that must feel inhuman.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 12, 2024, 03:55:12 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 16
  • Gender: Female
Thankyou for your reply I am in the uk and have had some advice - the credit cards are all in his name so not matrimonial debt we would have to prove it and I don’t think he would want me to see everything so is less likely to disclose that info

It’s been so hard not to blame myself his reasons for leaving were insane and it’s like he just stopped loving me overnight so I believe she has been there all along plus I do have proof he wasn’t with who he said he was one time.

He maintains that I am stopping him from moving on with his life as he is needing to provide financially whilst I am on maternity.

Doesn’t want me to meet her but is adamant she isn’t going anywhere and will be at our kids weddings bear in mind they are 8,3 and 6 months - how does he know all this - does he really believe this could go the distance she is 10 years younger than him  - and I’m sure will want children. So will he just repeat it all again - seems mental he’s left married life with kids to replace it with someone 10 years younger.

Its like he’s just removed me and pasted her in - I know what we had was special and worth fighting for it’s jus so insane he just ran away and didn’t want to fight and plays the victim saying how he is glad I’m not in his position because missing the kids is so hard - he never thought it would hurt like this.

But he CHOSE this.. he seems to be able to do what he wants but he is annoyed with me if I go out, or says he will help me and watch the kids later as he doesn’t have them overnight at his parents but then monsters if I’m late .

So for example my eldest has adhd and asd - he had an appointment with consultant yesterday - it was his weekend - but he couldn’t have them Sunday as he had ‘plans’ to go and feed the tigers at a zoo locally (something we did on our honeymoon 10 years ago but in Thailand) so he messaged saying he was hoping for an update on the app but  I didn’t bother so can I update him as soon as I can. So it’s like - he didn’t have his kids - he couldn’t come to the app because he has plans with her - but it’s my fault for not letting him know!! I don’t want to disturb his time with her - or look like I’m constantly texting him - he wants it.. have it.. I would happily not have contact with him until the day he has the children.

He will say he can see and hear how hurt I am and wants to help etc but his actions and words aren’t aligning then it’s like he is making out I am stopping him etc

So crazy - I am so so tired I just don’t understand how people can treat others like this
  • Logged

K
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 274
  • Gender: Female

Please do not get sucked into his sadz as the consequences of his choices start to bite. They are not your monkeys and are how adult humans learn….if you still wanted him back, I presume you would prefer an adult as opposed to a man child.

^^^^^ This. I can tell you from personal experience, you get the Super Soaker Sadz and then they do something $h!tety again and not only did comforting them take a toll on your own well-being, you have the added cruel twist of them throwing back your compassion in your face.

Your H did not emotionally mature. He did not develop decent (adult) coping skills, as evidenced by him running back to mom and dad when he became over-burdened, and following a teenager handbook for instant happiness. I know this sounds harsh, but this is who he is. As Treasur says - this is who he is now. He cries because of his guilt and shame. He blames you for not allowing him in the delivery room because he knows (deep or not so deep) that it is he that is not strong enough to support you at one of the most (if not the most) important moments of a person's life. I'm so sorry  - so much of what you wrote and said is what happened to me and I too felt. But I do not have small children and I cannot imagine how you coped with all this whilst pregnant. I am of the mindset now, that once you have seen this behaviour it is near impossible to unsee it. Crisis or not. Our physical self tells us to stay away from things that harm us. Your H has harmed you. He needs to get his $h!te together before anything else. He has to understand that he is not the child - he is the father. I wish I could say something uplifting, but after being at this (a mere) 18 months, and reading our shared stories, I see again and again how people who enter this crisis do so after their 'rock' (person who coped for them) needs a rock themselves. Yes, there are triggers - bereavement and illness, as is the case with your H, but the inability to carry this load and the subsequent fracture - that fault line was there a long time ago. Before you met your H. IMO he won't just wake up, or snap back into place. He has to face and heal himself. And he just added a whole new load of shame on his baggage trolley.

Please look after yourself first, so that you can be a healthy mum for you little ones. You and they come first. Hugs...
  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 12, 2024, 09:24:11 AM by KayDee »

K
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 274
  • Gender: Female
I would happily not have contact with him until the day he has the children.
You can set this as a boundary. IMO, it would really help your healing. Go completely dark on any social media too. Ask friends and family not to relay anything. If you need a period of no contact (excepting exchanges about the children) that's perfectly reasonable. I am biased - I say necessary. Communicate this boundary to him and then expectations on both sides are better managed.
  • Logged

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 16
  • Gender: Female

 Yes, there are triggers - bereavement and illness, as is the case with your H, but the inability to carry this load and the subsequent fracture - that fault line was there a long time ago. Before you met your H. IMO he won't just wake up, or snap back into place. He has to face and heal himself. And he just added a whole new load of shame on his baggage trolley.

Please look after yourself first, so that you can be a healthy mum for you little ones. You and they come first. Hugs...

Thankyou for this - I don’t need to hear loads of good stuff to be fair - I know this is the end I just have to make sense of things in my head - and I hate how worthless it’s made me feel.

I wasn’t good enough for him to fight
I wasn’t enough for him to communicate and want to fight for our marriage
He has already met his next lifelong partner and hasn’t grieved the loss of me
I fought so hard to work on myself after being unwell because I wanted to be better for him and our children - he couldn’t do the same..

But after seeing this comments I know it’s all par for the course - she isn’t better than me - she is just blind to him and his stuff - I certainly would not be entertaining a man who left his pregnant wife. Or if their relationship was the timeline he gave me (pretty sure it wasn’t) his baby was 2 weeks old! Regardless as to what he’s told her.. there are so many red flags - she’s got her own place and now he’s using there as a base for him to have his kids - he needs her.. and obviously sex with someone new is always exciting.

I hate that I am praying for karma - I won’t do it I’ve not been mean I’ve just let him go..: but stupidly for my own validation I want it to fail.. I know I was a good wife and partner, and was his rock - your so right but when I needed him.. pooff!
  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 13, 2024, 02:03:21 AM by UrsaMajor »

j
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 66
  • Gender: Female
.. but stupidly for my own validation I want it to fail.. I know I was a good wife and partner, and was his rock - your so right but when I needed him.. pooff!
I don't even know for sure it's happening with my H (highly likely) and I feel exactly the same way.  :(
  • Logged

K
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 274
  • Gender: Female

I wasn’t good enough for him to fight
He is not strong enough to fight - he can barely keep himself afloat. He cannot likely bear other's pain at the moment.
I wasn’t enough for him to communicate and want to fight for our marriage
It becomes obvious to a lot of us, after a time, that our spouse was a poor communicator of their needs. The avoidant or people-pleaser types, they go along with things. You have no idea anything is discordant. So it's not that you were not good enough, it's that he cannot properly connect and communicate.
He has already met his next lifelong partner and hasn’t grieved the loss of me
Highly unlikely. She gets the broken, selfish man that abandoned his entire family. He gets - well, her - the woman who thinks this is somehow OK.

I fought so hard to work on myself after being unwell because I wanted to be better for him and our children - he couldn’t do the same..
Exactly - he couldn't. But you did and you will keep bettering yourself. Fact.

I know you have already answered these, but I though I'd nail them in :)

As to the Karma-bus-truck-freight-train, it's OK and normal. You hope he will see what a prize he had in you, what a gift his children are. But like all public transport, you never quite know when they will show up. Don't let this poison you. Keep moving in your direction, one thing is guaranteed, you will move forward and past him at some point. And you will feel very different in yourself.
  • Logged

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 16
  • Gender: Female
Hi all,

So a little confused here - MLC husband 38 - BD April 23 - 3 children, 8, 3 & was 6 months pregnant at the time with baby no 3 - now 6 months. OW pretty sure was why he left but didn’t formally announce until baby was 2 weeks old - met kids and moved in together.

Tonight being Valentine’s Day, MLCer shows up with gifts from the kids three red roses from each of them - but then a bunch of flowers, and my face sweets and chocolates. My eldest had no idea he was doing this as he didn’t mention it to him or ask him what he thinks they should buy me.

He stayed for a bit saw kids then left to be with the OW - he still hasn’t filed for divorce..

Bear in mind this weekend he gave up a day with his kids because he had plans with her to go and feed some tigers at a local zoo, which is something we did on our honeymoon…

He still likes to know my movements and plans, and makes sure most of the time that I am unable to go out due to not having children overnight - and if on the weekends he is meant to have them overnight he says he will stay to have them - but then gets cross with me asking what time I will be home so he can go and shower and have dinner (with her I’m assuming)

Behaviour is so hot and cold it’s confusing me - I’m
Doing ok and am focusing on myself and the boys and I’ve not cried today first time on a first (thing) ie. First valentines on my own etc in the 10 months since he’s been gone - gosh it sounds like a long time but feels like only a few months have passed.

Im keeping my energy back  so far… not letting him
Control my emotions anymore - or make me feel sorry for him
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12485
  • Gender: Female
What do you make of this gesture?
Nothing much.
Roses from the kids, nice, normal parent thing with small kids perhaps.
The rest? Performative ‘see I’m not a bad guy really’ BS. Or an attempt to keep you on the ‘just in case’ shelf.
His REAL Valentine action was to trot off to OW. And cancel the day out with his kids. A few flowers are easy to buy after all….whereas showing up for your kids day out as a priority is a bit more effort. As is repairing your marriage and ending your affair.

He left; you are no longer obliged to care what he thinks or share information with him about the details of your movements. That’s what happens when a husband and father leaves, surely? And it’s not your job to be responsible for managing how HE has a substantial relationship with his own kids or how he spends time with them or what kind of parent he actually is. Sadly, much as you might wish, you can’t control what kind of father he is, can you? If only lol. Most seem to be a kind of Santa Daddy/mummy at best. And there’s not much evidence that these folks are decent parents bc that would require them placing their kids needs before their own rather more.

I'm imagine it takes a little while to shift your mindset from thinking about the other absent parent as having visitation/custody as opposed to being a kind of babysitter or helpful spouse. A babysitter might need to know where you are and what time you are back; a helpful spouse is sharing the load and would reasonably expect to know why/what; a co parent having their custody/visitation simply needs to know when to pick them up/drop them off and what you’d like them to do if there is a life threatening emergency.

What’s your mindset on what he is doing when he spends time with your kids at the moment? What do you treat him as, do you think….babysitter, helpful spouse or separated coparent visitation? Is there a preagreed fixed coparenting tyoe schedule? Have you sought legal advice on custody/visitation? Does he ‘visit’ them at your house or take them off elsewhere for ‘his’ co parenting time? Bc tbh, if a spouse leaves, it seems like a bit of an unreasonable s$it sandwich that you should be obliged to entertain them as a regular visitor in YOUR home. (Can’t imagine how gut wrenching this is with a baby though)
Jmo.

So I’d throw the flowers/chocs in the bin or regift them as something inappropriate given the reality of the situation and go on with your day…..
  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 15, 2024, 02:01:17 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 16
  • Gender: Female
Your right, I needed to hear that - they show you a bit of their old selves and you take it don’t you - at the moment I’ll explain the schedule.

For the last 9 months he hasn’t had the children overnight because he was at his parents and said they didn’t want to have them stay there on his weekends - so he has now quickly moved in with the affair partner as she has her own place (he hasn’t told me had has moved in yet though) but his mum was cagey about my son asking questions about things in his room the other week and said he saw packed boxes.

He maintained that he couldn’t have them away from the house because both Ap and parents live 30 mins away - so I set the boundary that he took them out for dinner - he went mental as said I was stopping him from seeing the baby - even though I have said he can take him along for a few hours and then there was always a reason why he had to have them here in the martial home  - sometimes I go out but most of them time as a mum of three I have stuff I need to do lunches for next day. Washing, tidying etc so I just get on I stopped him bathing them as it was too painful having him do those things in the house and me having all my family together under one roof - again that was unfair of me apparently. He maintains because he is still on the mortgage and we are paying it joint it’s still his house.

Now for example he wanted me to choose to give up teaching my dancing twice a week and I attend a comp once a month because it wasn’t fair on him and our family time - I have a comp this weekend - I swapped this day for him as he had plans with the gf on his day last weekend  - I already had someone to watch the kids which I changed - however comps are late and sometimes run behind so I don’t get back until late - my eldest boy has asd and is struggling with the change we have a day out planned for his birthday Sunday him and I and need to leave early - so I asked him if he would be ok to bath them both and put them to bed here and I’ll organise someone to come and sit with them because the last time I asked him to do this  (back in December) he maintained he had no plans and was no problem but because I was later back than initially thought - (even though I kept him
In the loop) he was so angry with me because he needed to go have dinner and shower - now I think what is happening is it’s clear he has no plans as he offered to have them overnight - but he doesn’t want to stay in the house and just sit downstairs till I get home once kids are in bed - yet on a Wednesday when he has nowhere else to take them he’s happy too, I think that she is feeling uncomfortable about him being in the house once the kids are in bed because she’s unsure whether I am here or not. As last time he was fine then all of a sudden he lost his mind telling me I’m unreasonable - even though I have the kids every night and have done for the last 9 months I don’t get the opportunity to go out with friends and try and rebuild my life because I have to get a sitter - and when he leaves on a weekend or a Wednesday evening he locks me in as he leaves.. now I am in the wrong for asking someone to come and sit with them whilst I am out only for two hours and they are asleep as I should just be home when he brings them back - and as he won’t take the baby I have him with me all day anyway. 

He's told me I’m being unreasonable by wanting to keep my eldest at home tomo evening - because I need him to be regulated well and have slept ready for our day in London Sunday - this will be the first time they have stayed at her house and they only met her once last weekend he is coping well and has just started his medication for adhd I don’t want him to have any last minute upheaval - take him to London then he’s back at school Monday  - because apparently I don’t bend (even though I changed his day to accommodate his plans the week before) and I am the one who is dealing with the meltdowns my eldest is having because he doesn’t like Her. (Ap)

I feel like everything I do is wrong, I’m putting my kids first and don’t think I am being unreasonable for one evening a month needing to have him take the kids he’s refused to all
This time now all of a sudden he can (because it works for him) but I’m being unfair 😭

I now feel like I shouldn’t be going to do something I love tomo and should be home for when he decides he wants to drop the kids home as he never tells me when he’s bringing them back. I feel like a prisoner.   
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12485
  • Gender: Female
Well, it makes sense that you feel that way imho.
Tbh this has a whiff of coercive control about it which, as you might know, is illegal in the UK. And, jmo, but I think you should see it as attempted control and as inappropriate.

Have you taken legal advice on your rights and obligations?
Bc your h is living someplace else….he may be paying half of the mortgage (and only half, remember) but that does not mean he can use your home - or you - as he pleases. And if he chooses not to use his visitation time bc of not wanting to take them outside the home, that is not your problem to fix. Hey ho, adult consequences of his choices, not your problem.

I think the current brain hiccup for you, based on what you wrote, is that you are a) hearing what he wants or his opinions as something other than the blah blah of a greedy manchild tantrum and b) trying to organise things in a co parenting way that leaves you subject to his wants and c) accidentally asking him instead of informing him and then shrugging your shoulders whether he does or doesn’t.

I would suggest you stop thinking co parenting and start thinking parallel parenting. As in two separate train tracks. And start having a home boundary that keeps him going not much further than the front door mat. And to do that, you need to know what your legal rights and obligations are so you can disengage from his bullying without fear. He may own half of the house in which his children live but that’s it; he does not own your life or time or attention. You will stop being a prisoner when you feel able to stop caring what he wants from you and stop fearing his reaction when you say No. and more legal information can help with that. You may even want to take some advice from a local DV type group bc those folks know control when they see it, and have plenty of experience in how you can legally and practically unhook yourself from it.

A visitation schedule when he either takes the kids or does not see them, and you do not move your arrangements to fit his schedule unless it is life or death emergencies. And where your arrangements and activities are simply no longer his business so you refuse to discuss them. Or indeed listen to his complaints.

Much less conversation probably….anything beyond ‘the kids will be ready at 6 and I’ll expect them back by 6 on Sunday’. Maybe even formalise things using an app so you keep a record that is recognised legally.

Childcare when you have to be/want to be someplace else that is in your control like a babysitter. Rely on him for nothing, nothing at all. Separate finances and things like child support. And some clarity about how you can live freely with your kids in your home and work and do your comps, or find someplace else to live.

I don’t know if you will have to file for divorce in order to free yourself from this control…I suspect in the UK you might….but no one should feel like a prisoner of a spouse who has left you and your kids and many of us have had to do things to protect ourselves and lead a more sane and independent life. That’s your right as a human being, that’s what your children need so you can prioritise them and that’s ok to want and take steps to get. It’s not fair, but it IS possible. And sucks to what your delinquent a&&hat h and kids father thinks about it - these are entirely predictable effects that come along when you choose to leave your wife and small children.

But I think the door out of the prison needs you to talk to a lawyer so you can make a plan…..
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

  • *
  • MLCer Type: Vanisher
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3680
  • Gender: Female
Time to pick  your battles. I would let your son with the ADHD go with him. If he does have a melt down it may very well happen in her house and then you won´t have to worry about future visits. Let your H be the one to realize that visits there are not going to work. Then you can push for money for a sitter so that you get a break if he refuses to do overnights. As for him returning without a heads up on the time, you can insist on a time window and then you have to actually not be home before then but for sure be present when the time window ends. He´s not going to leave a baby home alone. You are basically training him to be respectful of your time through the use of consequences. I do realize that if the son with ADHD does have the melt down on your watch it will suck up a lot of your and his emotional energy. You could get a court appointed guardian whose role is to ensure the well-being of the kids and who does not take one side or the other of the adults. Odds are the affair will fizzle when the reality of 3 children come into play.
  • Logged
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 16
  • Gender: Female
Time to pick  your battles. I would let your son with the ADHD go with him. If he does have a melt down it may very well happen in her house and then you won´t have to worry about future visits. Let your H be the one to realize that visits there are not going to work.

The problem I have is I’m the one who gets the fall out and the meltdowns because he says he holds them together when he’s around his dad and that he is scared of him as he doesn’t deal with them the same - and he tries to intervene and it just ends up escalating.

Well, it makes sense that you feel that way imho.
Tbh this has a whiff of coercive control about it which, as you might know, is illegal in the UK. And, jmo, but I think you should see it as attempted control and as inappropriate.

Have you taken legal advice on your rights and obligations?
Bc your h is living someplace else….he may be paying half of the mortgage (and only half, remember) but that does not mean he can use your home - or you - as he pleases.


I have felt at times he has been very very controlling I think the whole not wanting to have the baby is to stop me from doing anything as he knows I can’t actively date or see someone with a baby in tow, but then when I have things on and the baby is with me I’m wrong for keeping him out late with me - (even though they are portable still at this age) and he is in his bed every night at home. I may talk to a DV group - I didn’t think of that as I didn’t want to think that they think I’m being dramatic, but I guess it can’t hurt to ask.

I have spoken to a solicitor about the house but maybe I need to check again. If I file in the uk I would have to pay for the divorce and I don’t feel I should as he wanted it - he pay for it.. however if he moves officially with her - then her earnings can be taken into account also. So I’m gonna hang fire for now.. but correct I think once it continues I will need to file just to release myself - but he will still have the control of the kids over me. Thanks so much for all your advice and help. I feel like I have been going insane


Fixed the quoting - UM
  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 19, 2024, 12:44:01 AM by UrsaMajor »

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 16
  • Gender: Female
I am now 10 months post bomb drop - I was 6 months pregnant at the time baby is now 6 months old with two other children 3 and 8 - there is OW pretty sure she was there all the time, he’s planning on moving in with her (already is living at her place tbh but saying he isn’t)

He has messaged this morning to say not a nice thing but can I have the marriage certificate to start ball rolling with divorce. We got married abroad so uk magistrate won’t have it. I feel sick - like my feet been taken out from underneath me - he has hurt me so much beyond measure and to leave me when I needed him the most is the lowest of the low - so why does this hurt so much - I feel like I’ve failed and just don’t understand how we got here our life was good, I didn’t know he was unhappy, what has she got that I haven’t..? How can he be so detached from this and not be sad or grieving me and what we had I know I was a good wife and partner.. I’m just devastated struggling to pick myself up today - everyone just saying see it as a positive I’m getting rid of the bastard.. but I just can’t 💔
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4854
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
Hello,

So sorry that you are here. However, you are at a great place for support. I urge you to read the articles on MLC. This forum documents your recovery and movement forward. The number one thing you need to do is to protect the finances of your family. A man that leaves a baby while have no problem trying to leave all of you up the creek with no paddle.

Finally, this has been a terrible toll on you and the kids. Take the time to eat and rest. Try, if possible, to find a moment of peace. Self care is important and it will help you start your road to recovery.

I am so sorry for your circumstances and I will post more later,

(((Ready)))
  • Logged
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

K
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 274
  • Gender: Female
I'm so sorry. It is devastating and you are carrying so much at the moment. Please go and see a solicitor asap - a consultation will cost about £100. Divorce in the UK can be done entirely without addressing financial matters and this will not suit your situation. As you have 3 small children you must have financial protection and support. Likely by you requesting a financial order as part of the divorce process. Believe me, I know how hard it is to get your head around this when in such emotional turmoil, but solicitors are delightfully dispassionate and will give you the information you need. Take a friend or family member to take notes for you if you can. Agree to nothing until you have had legal advice. (((hugs)))

PS... perhaps a moderator can combine your threads, you have 3 on the go and it will be easier for people to support you if the information is all in one thread.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 19, 2024, 04:41:17 AM by KayDee »

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12485
  • Gender: Female
I agree with KayDee about seeing a solicitor pronto. Imho once divorce has been mentioned, the landscape is changed and you need to protect yourself and your children’s’ future as a priority.

I would advise you not to reply to your h’a email until you have spoken to a lawyer. And while you feel like you have been punched in the stomach tbh. If you feel you must reply, say something neutral like ‘give me a couple of days to find it and let me know where to securely send it’…..

Of course it hurts. Your h, perhaps the person you trusted most on the planet, has betrayed you, lied to you and is now seemingly keen to throw you, your marriage and your family life with your children away as if all of you were nothing. Tbh I was thinking this morning that these moments are a bit like being told you have cancer….you know that whatever you wish for and however things unfold, your life has just altered irrecoverably and there is very little you can do to change that. And that is a very big f’ing deal indeed. So please be kind to yourself and give yourself a space to process the deep awful shock of it. Your h has kept you hanging for months….he can wait a few days for a response.

And please resist the (understandable) desire to share your feelings about it with him….he doesn’t want to hear them and/or doesn’t care, or he would have already done a whole bunch of things differently. At best, at the very best, he is a selfish weak cowardly man. I can think of a whole list of even less flattering words at worst.

If you were to follow the logic of all those questions spinning round in your mind, you would have to believe that there is something so wrong or so worthless about you AND your children’s lives that warranted or explained this. Is that really true? Does your little baby deserve this? Did your other kids do something so awful that they deserve this? Is ow so marvellous that it’s a sufficient excuse for upending your family’s life, your own little one’s lives? I think you know in your gut that none of that true. The failure is your h’s…. This is about who HE is, not about who all of YOU are. And I have to tell you, it’s not a very pretty picture of a man from over here. It will take you a bit of time probably to see him and his behaviour without the habit of a loving gaze….does for most of us here, but then we are playing catch up on truth and facts usually, aren’t we?

So, you will need to keep working on adjusting your eye to who he is NOW as opposed to who you think he was. Imagine a friend had experienced what you have….would it even occur to you that she or her children were to blame for it? I suspect not. You would think doubtless that he was a substandard PoS as a man, h and father. Be kind to yourself….it hurts so much bc what he is doing is a profoundly hurtful thing. The hurt of it might feel like it will kill you - most of us here even years later, even when we have experienced other big awful things, will probably still say it was the worst experience of our lives. But we survived it, and you will too - it just isn’t a quick or easy path through.

But while you are adjusting and grieving and feeling a million feelings in a few minutes….see a lawyer bc your h has fired his opening cannon fire on the boat that has you and your children in it. And you need a more objective experienced head to lead you all to safety and tell you what to do next until you feel like you are up off your knees again. Do that now, right now, pick up the phone and make an appointment right now.

  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 19, 2024, 05:16:58 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12446
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Hello Hollie,

I am sorry that he has decided to get things started. I have merged your two threads into a single thread - that makes it easier to keep track of your story and you'll get more interaction if people have a chance to follow your story.

Treasur and KayDee are 100% correct. You need to see a solicitor/lawyer ASAP and get things in place to make sure that you and your kids are financially protected before he gets his quickie D and runs off into the tunnel
  • Logged
Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12485
  • Gender: Female
And prepare yourself to consider that your solicitor may tell you that, bc of how UK divorce law now works and the separation between financial stuff and divorce stuff, it might be in your very best interests to file first. Bc that may allow you to control some things about the process as opposed to being on the receiving end of how someone else controls it.

That’s a hard thing when you never imagined wanting a divorce, I know. But sometimes, it makes sense practically so ask your solicitor about the pros and cons of that. I did not follow my solicitors advice on this a few months in bc I just felt I couldn’t….but it would have been much much better for me financially if I had. Maybe even emotionally bc things got a lot worse before they got better for me.  And truthfully, years down the line, if you and your kids are ok, it won’t make as much difference as you probably currently feel it will.
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12305
  • Gender: Female
I have merged your two topics into one thread. Makes it easier for people to follow your story. Once you reach 150 threads, this one will be closed and you cna start a new one.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this and have such very small children to take care of. The advice that you are receiving is really good. As much as you do not want this, protecting yourself and your children financially is a top priority.
  • Logged
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 16
  • Gender: Female
Sorry guys I’m not all that sure one how to post and carry on my posts, I’ve been finding it hard to navigate. I know a few things about it I have spoken to a lawyer and she mentioned that I could file first I would get a bit of control but also it doesn’t matter to much I just need to make sure that we have a financial order in place etc. so she has all my stuff on file - so I guess I just now will instruct her to start the process. I’ll go back through the emails tonight.

I took the marriage certificate and put it safe and I knew he would go through my stuff and look for it (he stole some money from me) denies it of course -  so put all my stuff away safe so that when he needed to file I would get the heads up first. So I’ll get her onboard asap will call her tomo.

Thankyou for your advice - it’s bloody horrible to be in this situation as I know you all know - I just cannot work out how people can treat people this way - least of all the person you trusted with yours and your kids lives.

I know why he wants to start it moving now as he wants to get it going before they get a place together so I can’t have access so her earnings also on the financial order even though he is living with her already. He's not on a tenancy or utility bills etc
  • Logged

m
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 256
  • Gender: Male
Hollie....

I am so sorry to hear all of this. Children nor spouses should be subjected to what you are going through.

Treasur and the rest give some of the most sincere, amazing advice. I am truly blessed that I found this site.

As difficult and confusing as all of this is, please do not think any less of yourself because of what has transpired...in fact try to think very highly of yourself for being a mom in this despicable situation. All of this happening during pregnancy, child birth and after is truly vile, but one thing is certain- you are amazing!!!

Please try to be as well as you can and take extra good care of yourself. I found guided meditations on youtube quite helpful to slow the mind down.

You are in our thoughts and therefore you will never be alone in any of this!!
  • Logged

N

Nas

  • *
  • MLCer Type: Vanisher
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3207
I’m so sorry, the timing of this adds an extra layer of cruelty.

I know it’s hard right now to think about five minutes ahead, let alone further into the future. I don’t want to overwhelm you with advice from my own experience, so I just want to mention one thing that you likely haven’t thought about that may or may not apply. I also was married outside of my country of residence. My former husband actually took our marriage license, never filed for divorce and claimed to have lost the only copy of the certificate, or it was destroyed in flooding rains, or he ripped it up and threw it away… Depending on the day he told the story and how much he had to drink and whatever other factors were at play. My point is, he took the only copy because it gave him control.

Please retain that attorney you’ve been talking to, take that copy of your marriage license and give it to them for safekeeping and get the finances squared away to make sure you and your children are safe and have a foundation under your feet. You can choose to file later or give it to him to file, but giving it to him now with no financial protections could put you in a very bad position.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 19, 2024, 11:49:27 AM by Nas »
“The desire to be loved is the last illusion. Give it up and you will be free.” ~Margaret Atwood

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 16
  • Gender: Female
I’m confused as to if I give it to him now how does it leave me financially unprotected? Because I can contest stuff can’t I? I have three copies and I won’t be giving him the original none of them are in the house luckily. Spoke to the solicitors receptionist today she’s gonna call me tomo. As to what I need to do now - he will have to apply I guess then I can to recognise it? But I’ll speak to them before I do anything anyway. 

I know I am only just feeling better post partum - he has drip fed me info over the last 10 months I knew from the beginning there was OW but he waited until baby was two weeks old to tell me he was starting to think about dating; then two weeks after that it was early days, 4 weeks after that he wanted to introduce her to the kids.. they had been together just 6 weeks (apparently) at this point - now they are moving in together going on holidays etc been together only 4 months..?
  • Logged

N

Nas

  • *
  • MLCer Type: Vanisher
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3207
I’m confused as to if I give it to him now how does it leave me financially unprotected? Because I can contest stuff can’t I? I have three copies and I won’t be giving him the original none of them are in the house luckily. Spoke to the solicitors receptionist today she’s gonna call me tomo. As to what I need to do now - he will have to apply I guess then I can to recognise it? But I’ll speak to them before I do anything anyway. 

I know I am only just feeling better post partum - he has drip fed me info over the last 10 months I knew from the beginning there was OW but he waited until baby was two weeks old to tell me he was starting to think about dating; then two weeks after that it was early days, 4 weeks after that he wanted to introduce her to the kids.. they had been together just 6 weeks (apparently) at this point - now they are moving in together going on holidays etc been together only 4 months..?

I don’t know the laws where you are but where I live a certified copy of the marriage license is the only thing that will be accepted, a photocopy will not  It had never even occurred to me to make a copy of it at any point during our marriage, but I only had one certified copy. My former husband disappeared with no financial agreement in place and he took that original marriage license with him. I expected him to file immediately. He decided vanishing was a better, or at least far cheaper, choice for him.
As of now, you have to protect your interest and the interest of your children as if literally anything could happen. If you have one certified copy of your marriage license, and if copies are not accepted in divorce filings where you live, it is in your best interest to be the one in possession of it, and to keep it safe, I would put it in the possession of your lawyer. He has blown up your world and has proven that he has no one‘s interest at heart but his own. Obviously your lawyer is the best source for advice on this, but from experience, you would be doing yourself a big favor by holding onto that document until your financial security is legally settled.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 19, 2024, 01:23:49 PM by Nas »
“The desire to be loved is the last illusion. Give it up and you will be free.” ~Margaret Atwood

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 16
  • Gender: Female

As of now, you have to protect your interest and the interest of your children as if literally anything could happen. If you have one certified copy of your marriage license, and if copies are not accepted in divorce filings where you live, it is in your best interest to be the one in possession of it, and to keep it safe, I would put it in the possession of your lawyer. He has blown up your world and has proven that he has no one‘s interest at heart but his own. Obviously your lawyer is the best source for advice on this, but from experience, you would be doing yourself a big favor by holding onto that document until your financial security is legally settled.


I have got two certified copies but I’ll give him one of those and then keep the original. Thankyou for that little nugget of info - I know this is for the best I guess you just hope they come to their senses and become the person you were with for so long.

But bottom line is he ended our marriage via text, and requested divorce via text, never communicated anything was wrong, left me whilst pregnant, then blames me for not feeling secure enough to have him at the birth for the bond he has with the baby, didn’t take care of me at all post partum, has left me all on my own to deal with a newborn and two other small children one of which has additional needs. And is struggling so much with everything but H wants to continue to do what he wants to do (introducing her to them) even if the eldest boy is in tumoil.. I have to remember that the OW/AP is a magician and won’t magically save him - I tried for 15 years because I felt bad for his childhood wounds - not any more look where it got me. His loyalty to me was up the shoot so I’m sure it won’t be long until she is feeling the same…
  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 20, 2024, 03:04:51 AM by UrsaMajor »

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12485
  • Gender: Female
Be guided by your lawyer but I’d be loath to let him have the original too. Legally speaking, it’s the only proof that you were married.

On the drip drip timescale thing? Well, these folks lie. A lot. My money would be that ow was in the mix much earlier than he has said. And if not? Then both he and she are as stupid as each other and behaving like not very bright teenagers. But my best bet is he is lying, sorry. Bc that’s the textbook play and once you get your eye in, there’s a lot of predictability to the BS and WTF stuff tbh.
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

K
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 274
  • Gender: Female
Regarding the timescale. It could be either really. Yes, they lie (their shame) (or because they can - and who knows why?) and yes, they do jump into things like a pimply teenager. My H is on the Pimple Express from what I can tell - moved in, went on holiday (twice), intro to family, all in 5 months. All on FB, which he never used before - it's like if FB was available in the 80s :)  BUT, I know the OW had the plough out, planting seeds, for much longer. Such people see opportunity. I don't wish to be unkind to anyone, but there is a certain type who consciously or unconsciously targets vulnerability. I am not letting your H (or mine) off the hook, they have made their choices, and I don't think I could top what Treasur has said about the behaviour of your H, but the other person, they seek a dark opportunity, that I know I would go nowhere near. Ultimately though, it doesn't matter that much to you. The effect is still the same. I think I know why it seems relevant. I was there too. The madder the behaviour the more certified MLC. But in the end, it's exhausting and truly detrimental to a person's health.

I hope the meeting with the solicitor goes well today. You will be thrown a lot of info.  A friend on mine used to work for Relate in the UK. She is someone with the strongest values, and she rates them a lot. They can help individuals, especially when sudden single parents.

  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 20, 2024, 12:37:00 AM by KayDee »

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12485
  • Gender: Female
Quote
Ultimately though, it doesn't matter that much to you. The effect is still the same. I think I know why it seems relevant. I was there too. The madder the behaviour the more certified MLC. But in the end, it's exhausting and truly detrimental to a person's health.

KayDee makes a wise point here that imho applies to more than just those ‘why ow’ questions and is useful as a guard rail to consider for all folks new to this.
It’s a perfectly normal response to shock and confusion to dive into bits of the picture to try to make sense of it. It’s what our brains are wired to do….look for confirmation or try to squeeze stuff into a pattern that makes a bit of sense. And to get a bit lost in the detail….like standing very close up to one of those impressionist paintings. I did too. And yes, it was quite damaging to my mental wellbeing.

With hindsight, I think though the more useful vista is from a bit further back…..the pixels become a picture then, dots become a water lily.

I recently watched a Netflix documentary called ‘Bad Vegan’. Without getting into the detail of the story, what struck me is that there was a point early on when the players did not ask themselves some pretty basic big picture questions. Instead they were almost distracted by the detail of a moment……putting a lot of energy into wiring x amount of money or not, say, rather than the bigger question of not being able to meet the payroll. And imho that’s how gaslighting works….theres a lot of don’t look at this, look at that going on. Again, with hindsight, I think we LBS can almost self-gaslight for a little while. An ‘oooh, he/she replied to my text quickly’ as opposed to ‘he/she has left the family home and cleaned out the savings account’. A couple of the  players said in the documentary that there was a point when they could not admit certain truths to themselves at the time bc it would have required them to accept that they had already lost a huge amount….and that was too painful or scary….so they stayed looped into a kind of sunk cost fallacy where if they ‘kept going’ they might get some of it back or it would all work out ok in the end. I recognise that thinking in myself in the first year or so, maybe a bit more, post BD. And I say that as someone professionally trained in analysis and deductive logic - not my finest hours lol.

Imho you are wise, and sane, Hollie, to keep your lens focused on all the big picture list of your h’s actions or inactions that you wrote. Bc those are factual observable things and can be a great bit of ground to stand on mentally when/if you feel nuts. Those kind of facts help us feel we can safely trust our own judgement and sense of reality. And part of that imho is the ability to filter what really matters, what is germane to our own actions and decisions and what is not. Again jmo, but a lot of MLC type drama is not as germane to us as it feels at the time.

So, in my case, what did matter was that I was receiving anonymous death threats….who was sending them or why or what they were trying to achieve by doing so or what anyone else thought about that really mattered much less than the reality that I was getting them. And that they had a big effect on my mental health and life. Which meant that my priority was to feel safer, and therefore to take actions, whatever they needed to be and whatever anyone else thought about those actions. Again, in my case, realising that my stbxh had stolen money from our joint resources mattered more in my decision making than if he had spent it on a new car or on an exotic vacation or given it to ow to spend at Cartier. My actions needed to be based on the fact that he had stolen from me, not why he had done it or how he justified it. Ditto ow….i knew there was an ow involved and I knew my then h had lied about a lot of things….right up to the divorce being final, bizarrely iirc even afterwards, he continued to deny her existence and then her significance to his lawyer, my lawyer and me. (I found out later even more bizarrely that in parallel he/she were planning their wedding…to someone who did not exist/was just a friend/nothing to see here lol). But actually that did not matter….what really mattered was that my h had left me, stolen from me, refused to talk to me pretty much and was consistently refusing to engage with any of the practical effects of that choice. The fact that I didn’t understand why, my speculation about whether ow was a delightful person ha ha or more likely not, or if he had been seeing her while my father was dying, even the fact that he was under psychiatric care, did not change the observable bigger picture. He left, he wasn’t talking to me, he lied so much it was impossible to place any weight on his words. That was the water lily. I took a long long time to swallow that, well sunk costs, probably did it in small chunks looking back, but finding the capacity to see the germane trees from the distracting wood was really important. S&itty but important.
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 16
  • Gender: Female
Guys. Thankyou both of these were just what I needed this am. My intuition is strong and has been feeling a certain way for a while which I have ignored - I understand this am after the devastation of yesterday why he is now onto the next thing - as that is how it has felt all the way along one bomb thrown after another.

If I leave I’ll feel better
When I buy a new car I’ll feel better
When I can spend my money on me and what I want I’ll feel better
When I meet someone else and date I’ll feel better
When I move in with said person I’ll feel better
When I can start having my kids overnight at hers I’ll feel better
When I can have family days out with her I’ll feel better
When I am divorced I’ll feel better and less guilt
When I am divorced I won’t feel bad for moving on quickly and she (ow) will feel more secure and stop questioning me and where I am/ what I am doing
When I am divorced I can finally move on with my life…


But I will always be there in the back of his mind - chipping away the fact he abandoned all of us when we needed him
The most especially little one. I had every right to deny him the opportunity of seeing his child born when he did what he did abandoned me emotionally, I however did say he could meet him as soon as he was born - he CHOSE to not do that because if he wasn’t good enough for the birth he wasn’t good enough for much else - that is HIM trying to manipulate me and make me feel bad for his $h!te decisions. I didn’t impact the bond he had HE DID. And if he’s telling her BS the truth will out one day. She is silly to think that if he owed his partner of 15 years and 3 children no loyalty when leaving.. he will not do the same for her.

Treasur you are so right.

He left me pregnant and vulnerable
I have a heart condition aswell as suffer terribly with morning sickness all through pregnancy
I had to navigate pregnancy, maternity and single motherhood and post partum all on my own
He stole money from me which I raised for charity.. it had to of gone somewhere..
He ended our marriage by text
He STILL hasn’t say me down and have a face to face convo
His Crocodile tears mean nothing - he has no idea of my reality!
The man I married would never of done this
His family have enabled all his behaviour and not made him accountable just swept everything under the carpet - so are no longer important in my life!

I know my truth, I  know who I am,  and I think I was a bloody angel, who is emotionally stable and literate and can communicate how I feel and show people all of me… he however pretends to be who you need him to be, then gets mad and say you changed when your merely reflecting his behaviour and the way he has been treating you back at him. As they say holding up the mirror it’s easier to run.

Thankyiu so much for your support I am the only person in my circle that has experienced this so to have you guys here for me makes all the difference.
  • Logged

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 16
  • Gender: Female
I’m not sure if I’m doing all this right - link to previous thread above I can never seem to find my original posts to carry on posting with.

So as the above says MLCer asked for marriage certificate so divorce can start - but when I gave it to him he seemed surprised. He threatened divorce after I implemented a boundary where when I was out he didn’t need to be there for the kids when I got back if I was unsure of the time someone else would take over - he didn’t like this much.

He is very keen to know my plans with the kids on my weekends and asks what we are often doing when seeing him.

Wednesdays during his contact he still comes into the house especially as we have the baby - he seems so comfortable - sits in the same place he used to - last night ordered me food and we all ate together… managed my son who has difficulties together - and said well done for the teamwork - I decorated the kids room over the weekend on my own. And he said how well I’ve done - he often cries when Holding the baby..?

This weekend he had the kids (apart from baby) at his new place with the gf overnight for the first time in 10 months (although he maintains that they not living together yet) he should of been over the moon but still seemed unhappy..? He said Monday it was so quiet.. he hated it…? Yet he is still chasing that life..? I am so confused - I know they are too I just find it hard to not try and make sense of things.

Last night he laughed at my jokes - I’m just trying to be as normal as possible not scorned I haven’t been mean to him at any point just let him do his thing..

So after this I then get smacked with the reality that he is going home to his gf and sharing a bed with her.. and times like this make me feel like we could rekindle but then at the same time so much damage has been done. In my gut I don’t feel like it’s over.. it’s been 10 months am I still in denial?

I find the lack of real reasons as to why we are here hard to contend with as our marriage was far from awful - it was a marriage which like everyone else’s needs work from
Time to time..

I’ve looked into dating and I just can’t I still feel like I’m
Being disloyal.. how mad is that!
  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 29, 2024, 05:17:30 AM by UrsaMajor »

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12485
  • Gender: Female
No, imho fwiw, you are adjusting to a new painful situation that doesn’t make sense to you, you didn’t plan for and didn’t want. That takes a little time, sometimes a bit longer than we think it might. And of course you don’t feel like dating…..and if you did, we’d probably be encouraging you to take your time particularly as you have such young children and are still married. Basically, to do the opposite of what MLC folks seem to do  :)

What do you think his words are communicating?
What do you think his actions are communicating?
  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 29, 2024, 03:13:09 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12446
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
I've merged this thread with your previous one. If you were able to link the old thread in, you were on your old thread. Just hit "Reply" after the last post to start a new one on the same thread
  • Logged
Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 16
  • Gender: Female
I've merged this thread with your previous one. If you were able to link the old thread in, you were on your old thread. Just hit "Reply" after the last post to start a new one on the same thread

Thankyou so wasn’t sure whether to do that
  • Logged

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 16
  • Gender: Female
What do you think his words are communicating?
What do you think his actions are communicating?

I really don’t know - I feel like his words are communicating everything he feels he should be doing - he has left me and the kids, for over 10 months - if I put a boundary in he tries to hurt me by doing/saying something he knows will hurt.. threatening divorce but still not doing anything about it..


But his actions are like he still loves us all and for whatever reason he is leading a double life - I think the OW threatened to tell me about the affair (he never confirmed it said they got together after) and he now feels stuck - without her he hasn’t got anywhere to live (his parents) who apparently won’t have the kids stay there.. he’s racked up so much debt which I helped him clear once (he doesn’t know I know this) I don’t know it’s just ODD..
  • Logged

N

Nas

  • *
  • MLCer Type: Vanisher
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3207

But his actions are like he still loves us all and for whatever reason he is leading a double life -

From the very little that you’ve written, I’m finding it hard to see his behavior as loving, or anything more than part arrogance, part guilt, and part doing what is best for him. Having the kids over to meet his girlfriend without even having a conversation with you about it? Asking you about your whereabouts while at the same time living a life completely separate from you?

As for the other things like saying well done and crying while holding the baby, oftentimes in the very early days we want so badly to see signs that we assign meaning to things they do. We project what we want to be true onto their actions instead of seeing their actions for what they are, and this can often lead us to not protecting ourselves or giving them too much of a pass. At best, he is doing a tick under the bare minimum for his kids and nothing at all for you. But a lot of things to suit himself. It does not really look from the outside like a double life that he’s leading, it looks he’s just doing exactly what he wants and handling as a little responsibility as he can.

In regards to the Debt he’s racked up, it’s really important that you get all the facts you can about your responsibility in that. The fact that you helped him clean up a bunch of debt once before and now he’s done it again is not a great sign. It’s a pattern of irresponsibility. And it is absolutely not yours to clean up but you do need to find out how much of it you would be responsible for and get all your ducks in a row to make sure that nothing more can fall at your feet. Take it from someone who learned the very hard way that whatever your imagined worst case scenario is in regards to financial infidelity, there is even worse than that. I can’t remember if you’ve already sought legal advice but it’s really in your best interest to do so immediately if not sooner. You don’t have to take any action, but please at least get all the information that you can.
  • Logged
“The desire to be loved is the last illusion. Give it up and you will be free.” ~Margaret Atwood

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12446
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
In regards to the Debt he’s racked up, it’s really important that you get all the facts you can about your responsibility in that. The fact that you helped him clean up a bunch of debt once before and now he’s done it again is not a great sign. It’s a pattern of irresponsibility. And it is absolutely not yours to clean up but you do need to find out how much of it you would be responsible for and get all your ducks in a row to make sure that nothing more can fall at your feet. Take it from someone who learned the very hard way that whatever your imagined worst case scenario is in regards to financial infidelity, there is even worse than that. I can’t remember if you’ve already sought legal advice but it’s really in your best interest to do so immediately if not sooner. You don’t have to take any action, but please at least get all the information that you can.

I can not emphasize this enough.

MLCxW1 went batsnot crazy with racking up bills after we were separated. I took on my part after the D process started and cleared it. She continued to rack up more and more debt to the point where she, after the D was final, had to declare bankruptcy, had to sell the house she took on (I sold my interest to her for $1 and walked away from all the equity), etc., etc.   She was spending money like water flows over Niagara Falls. If I hadn't gotten my poo in one sock and gotten the financial stuff separated before, I'd have been in a world of hurt, potentially lost my job due to Security Clearance having a major issue with being too deep in debt, etc.

Make sure that your hiney is covered financially from his shenanigans.

As for the rest, what Nas wrote is spot on.... I see a lot of

in his actins and words and not a lot of
  • Logged
Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4854
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
Hello,

Quote
Imho you are wise, and sane, Hollie, to keep your lens focused on all the big picture list of your h’s actions or inactions that you wrote. Bc those are factual observable things and can be a great bit of ground to stand on mentally when/if you feel nuts. Those kind of facts help us feel we can safely trust our own judgement and sense of reality.

I agree with this and I will add that with an infant and other children, he is leaving you in a state of exhaustion. Then he is pulling his stunts and that is just as emotionally taxing as well, leaving you physically and mentally exhausted. He has moved in with someone else and he then expects you to report to him and be engaged. His conduct at best is abhorrent and comes across as abusive towards you.

Quote
Wednesdays during his contact he still comes into the house especially as we have the baby - he seems so comfortable - sits in the same place he used to - last night ordered me food and we all ate together… managed my son who has difficulties together - and said well done for the teamwork - I decorated the kids room over the weekend on my own. And he said how well I’ve done - he often cries when Holding the baby..?

My advice is that when he is in the house with the kids, you leave. Don't eat his food and don't listen to his stupid comments. Teamwork...hmmm while you are with another woman. he isn't a team player...he is just a player. Going dark and cutting him out of your world will eliminate at least one source of annoyance that is draining far too much of your emotional and physical resources. You have to change your baby's diapers- not his. Going dark is not to punish him or change him. It is for your own mentally well being.

Quote
As for the other things like saying well done and crying while holding the baby, oftentimes in the very early days we want so badly to see signs that we assign meaning to things they do. We project what we want to be true onto their actions instead of seeing their actions for what they are, and this can often lead us to not protecting ourselves or giving them too much of a pass.

Guilty as charged for this as well. Even if she briefly said hello, or smiled at me, I took this for a positive. It's all fluff and no stuff. At least in my situation, my kids were older and more self-sufficient. You have to focus on what you can control and that is you and your family. That is your fight and priority. Get legal and file yourself if it protects you.

As I mentioned before, you are setting boundaries to protect you, not punish or hurt him. He may get upset, but that is just a reflection of who he is as a person. And it is not a positive reflection.

I know this is hard and just like the others that have gone through the turmoil, my heart aches for you and your family. That is why you need to worry less about him and focus more on your own self care. You are the only adult in your children's lives and you need to be strong for them.

Be good to yourself and have a great weekend,

(((Ready)))
  • Logged
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

S
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 1
  • Gender: Male
He's mentally and almost physically torturing you. D is way better than this situation he puts you in. You have been too kind to him, my wife would have exploded on me 100x times. Eventually, you will learn to detach and just to focus on yourself and kids and move on to build yourself up, (physically, financially, emotionally) then you ll be at a situation that whatever happens you will still be happy with. That's how you should love and respect yourself my friend. Get whatever help you need from family and friends to get start shall be your priority, not for him but for yourself, and he will also notice that he's losing you.
  • Logged

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.