Skip to main content

Author Topic: Mirror-Work Return Stories Part Three

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2896
  • Gender: Female
Mirror-Work Re: Return Stories Part Three
#100: February 16, 2024, 05:14:42 AM
Sure feelings can change down the road.  But it's like those feelings down the road also get rewritten, just like her feelings now have been rewritten.
And that's what I'll never understand.  How can someone just rewrite feelings like that?  And these are not small feelings.  It's feelings of "let me inflict maximum torture and pain" to "I always loved you more than anything".
We rewrite everything, all the time. Perhaps not as dramatically as they do in midlife, however.
Rewriting is a way of making sense of our lives, of protecting our ego, and separating ourselves from what we felt repressed us. It is not necessarily a reflection of any external truth.

My H projected all his pain on me. Projection is a psychological defense mechanism; something in their lives has gone wrong and feels unbearable and the pain is externalised, often onto the closest person. In my H's case, that was me, but also his mother and, to a certain extent, his children (who he felt alienated from as they went through their teen years).

That is why it is vital to let go; we need to protect ourselves (firstly), become complete in ourselves (vitally) and let our spouse work out what their own problems are. If they realise that we are not their problem, they may come back. Please don't wait for this, because that will mean we have not grown. Accepting their return has to be on new terms, both must have grown.

In my case, the tables turned; I had so long admired my H, put him on a pedestal, that I empowered him. Now I realise that he needs me perhaps more than I need him, but our relationship is much more balanced, and we're probably happier now than ever.

  • Logged
Work in progress (none of us are perfect)

S
  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 6472
  • Gender: Female
  • Strength and honour are her clothing;
Re: Return Stories Part Three
#101: February 21, 2024, 01:57:13 AM
Quote
That is why it is vital to let go; we need to protect ourselves (firstly), become complete in ourselves (vitally) and let our spouse work out what their own problems are. If they realise that we are not their problem, they may come back. Please don't wait for this, because that will mean we have not grown. Accepting their return has to be on new terms, both must have grown.

THIS AND THIS!

Quote
In my case, the tables turned; I had so long admired my H, put him on a pedestal, that I empowered him. Now I realise that he needs me perhaps more than I need him, but our relationship is much more balanced, and we're probably happier now than ever.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 21, 2024, 01:58:48 AM by Songanddance »
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017.
Separated 2022 (my choice because he wanted to live alone) and yet fully reconnected seeing each other often.

m
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 266
  • Gender: Male
Return Stories Part Three
#102: March 24, 2024, 08:21:02 AM
S and D I couldn't agree more.

Been a lot of talk on here recently about statistics of those who return and who don't return and whether its correct to believe in reconciliation or not and all the while none of it matters. There is no right answer and everyone has different circumstances although the overriding premise is the same.

The future is always uncertain no matter what.... why worry oneself over it? Cannot control it. Whatever one worries about may never come true.....

JUst try to be the best person you can be and whatever happens, happens.

Please do not misunderstand. Divorce sucks. I miss my wife everyday. I think about her everyday. But cannot control anything else and I try to make things positive.
  • Logged

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.